Season Two Overview

So I finally got one of those "make money while blogging" offers in my email, and I laughed out loud. It started out with "we noticed your blog." No, you didn't. You noticed that I write a blog, and that I get more than five readers a month. Then they went on to ask if I would review a product on this blog. Now, if ThinkGeek asked me to review say, a phaser keychain with light-up action and sound effects, I would consider it. If a tea company offered me a sampler pack, I'd think about that as well. But it wasn't either of those things. It was for weight-loss supplements, something that has nothing to do with the subject of this blog. Really, how was I supposed to even work that in? "Taking these weight-loss supplements will help you to look like one of Kirk's Old Friends"? Bitch, please.
In case you were wondering, no, I'm not being compensated for any part of this blog. I buy all of the tea myself. And frankly, if I was being compensated in some way, I'd let you know. I'm really big on transparency. Also, I will never take on a review where someone compensated me to specifically praise that product or service, regardless of how I actually felt about it. When you tell people that you're reviewing something, you have a responsibility to give them your honest opinion. You may not agree with my opinion on things, but I assure you that I will never When Harry Met Sally you.

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Now, let's get down to business!

Admit it: that's exactly how you finished that sentence.

Roomie admitted when I started season 2 that it was her favorite season. Then she back-peddled and restated that season 2 contains some of her favorite episodes. I've found that to be pretty accurate: this season had some really fantastic episodes. it also some that were just okay, and some that were downright shit. As such, I've categorized them into awards: Command Gold Star awards for the really great episodes, Red Shirts for the terrible ones, and then there are a handful of awards for miscellaneous stuff.

Amok Time: Here, we get to travel to Vulcan to see Spock's wedding. Some shit goes awry, and we end up watching an extended fight scene between Kirk and Spock instead. It also just occurred to me that that that fight scene was a metaphor for Spock's inner battles between his human and Vulcan halves. Holy shit, that's a great episode! What really gets me in Amok Time is that we get to see some character development from Spock, and some background information as well. The weapons used on Vulcan are bad-ass, and their clothing does not suck. What's more, we learn about how Vulcans view themselves and others in the galaxy. It's layered and rich. I like that. From this episode also came the Vulcan hand salute (invented by Leonard Nimoy) and the iconic Pon Farr music, which gets played for especially animalistic fight scenes in Star Trek.

A Piece of the Action: This one wins out of sheer entertainment. I admit, when I heard this episode described as "the one with the gangster planet", I groaned. It sounded stupid. While I still maintain that this premise would have worked better as an alternate universe rather than a copy-cat alien planet, I was willing to overlook it because this episode was fun. It gets more points for pointing out that Kirk is a super-shitty driver, and... well... Leonard Nimoy in a pinstripe suit and fedora. Sploosh.

Assignment: Earth: We ended the season fairly strong with this episode, which was the pitch for another show about an unseen benign alien race trying to help Earth reach it's full potential through planted humans trained in espionage. I loved this episode. It was both funny and serious, as it used current events to point out to the human audience how ridiculous their squabbles could be. It didn't have a lot to do with Star Trek, but that was okay, as it was interesting enough on it's own.

Journey to Babel: Another great Spock-centric episode, Babel allowed us to explore the struggles within Spock's family and again lets us see the universe through the eyes of a Vulcan. We also get to see Vulcan through the eyes of a human, as we are introduced to Amanda, Spock's human mother. I love the backstory of Spock and Sarek's relationship, that of Spock and Amanda, and especially that of Sarek and his wife, which I ship hard. Bonus points to this episode for trying to create less-humanoid aliens, and for creating the Vulcan kiss, which is charming as hell.

Metamorphosis: Kirk, Spock, Bones, and a female guest get marooned on a planet where they find a famous warp engineer who should have died a long time ago. This guy has become permanently 35 or so, and is kept company by an entity who turns out to be female, and in love with him. The entity then takes the body of the dying female guest, and he in turn learns to love her. This episode rather subtly dealt with LGBTQ issues, though I'm sure they weren't thinking along those lines when they wrote it. No, what this episode turned out to be was sci-fi at it's best, where real-world issues are explored through futuristic means, and one can easily apply them back to real life. There are also some really lovely moments between Scotty, Sulu and Uhura in this episode, always a bonus in my book.

Return to Tomorrow: In another episode that I foolishly judged by it's cover, Kirk, Spock and Diana Muldaur volunteer their bodies so that non-corporeal entities can build android bodies for themselves. In truth, I thought I would be far more annoyed by Diana Muldaur because she pisses me off so much in NextGen. Turns out, she was fantastic here. Leonard Nimoy, playing Spock as the morally iffy Henoch, knows just how much to dial up the creepy so that you kind of want to trust and distrust him at the same time. You're kind of okay with him, but he also makes you squirm. Then there's the love story between Sargon (housed in Kirk) and Thalassa (housed in Muldaur's Dr Mulhall): I totally bought it. It was played beautifully, and shockingly, I had to give props to two actors whose characters I really don't like otherwise. 

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And now, for the Red Shirt Awards. These episodes just need to die. And I've selected how.

The Apple: A computer-run planet where the computer has died or gone haywire or some shit. The inhabitants have never heard of sex or kissing, so of course the Enterprise crew introduces them to that. All hell breaks loose, but then Kirk assures them it's fine because sex is fun. Four Red deaths, breaking of the Prime Directive, Kirk kills "God", and I was bored the whole time. Let's go with Death by Native Peoples for this episode.

Catspaw: This is one of those episodes where people read my review and and said "Awww, you didn't like that one? I love that episode!" Catspaw is, quite simply, the Star Trek Halloween episode. The OT3 gets stuck on a planet with a spooky castle, a witch that turns into a cat, and some kind of hapless warlock. Cheesy effects (though some I did appreciate) throughout. One or two good jokes and sight gags. Points for trying to create non-humanoid aliens, though it was only kind of effective. One talking dog and one stoner shy of a Scooby Doo episode. Go jump in a boiling cauldron of acid, Catspaw.

The Gamesters of Triskelion: Kirk, Chekov and Uhura are kidnapped by non-corporeal entities, and trained by aliens to fight to the death, so that the entities will have something to wager on to fill their time. Chekov and Uhura finally get more lines, and it has to be in this crappy episode. The costumes are terrible, and Kirk does his "seduce-a-woman-for-my-own-gains" thing. Only this time it's obvious that Kirk has fucked this girl up in unimaginable ways, and she'll be stuck in therapy for it for years. The worst part is, she kind of thanks him for it at the end of the episode. Gamesters of Triskelion, I sentence you to an arena match with Vulcans whose blood boils from Pon Farr. You get no weapons and must wear a loincloth and Barbarella boots.

The Omega Glory: This episode, written by Gene Rod, was one of three considered as the secondary pilot for Star Trek (the others were Mudd's Women and of course, Where No Man Has Gone Before). I'm glad they selected No Man for the pilot. Mudd's Women was pretty okay. This one should have been scrapped. It starts out promising, with yet another Starfleet commanding officer going rogue on some Prime Directive planet, this time because the guy thinks that the people are immortal, and he can bottle and sell it. Then it goes on this fucked-up tangent about how the two indigenous peoples on this planet are actually Yanks and Communists, and when the Commies won the war, the Yanks went primitive. This was another story that would have made more sense as an AU, but they made it a different planet instead. It's heavy-handed, racist, badly written, and the first and second halves have nothing to do with each other.  Watching this episode made me want to bash my own brains in with a brick. I had to force myself to watch all the way to the end. A phaser shot to the chest for you, Omega Glory. Set to kill.

Wolf in the Fold: There's been some kind of accident, and now Scotty hates women (NO), so Kirk and Bones take him to a pleasure planet. Some women are stabbed to death and everyone blames Scotty, but it turns out that Jack the Ripper is some sort of long-lived alien (NO) who has continued murdering woman throughout the centuries (NO) and across the galaxy (NO), and he's the one who committed the murders that Scotty was accused of (NO). What's more, the guy hired to play Intergalactic Jack the Ripper is also obviously the guy who has voiced Piglet in all of the Winnie the Pooh cartoons (NO). Death by Stabbing, Wolf in the Fold.

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Award for Interesting Premise

Who Mourns for Adonais?: This episode, though just "okay" in my opinion, had a really interesting idea behind it. The idea put forth was, what if the ancient gods and goddesses of Rome and Greece were not mythological, but actually real aliens with unusual powers from another planet, and when they made landfall on Earth, the primitive shepherds and merchants declared them to be supernatural? Now, I feel like this premise sounds ridiculous when typed out, but I believe that good writing can save a crappy premise, and bad writing can kill a good one. This episode had okay writing, but the idea was actually pretty great. It was certainly better executed than Wolf in the Fold, which wanted us the believe that Jack the Ripper was an alien. One of these ideas makes sense. The other one is stupid. Also, Adonais gets points for having good costumes.

Awesome Guest Stars of Season Two

T'Pring of Amok Time: Spock's arranged-marriage fiance, she feels trapped by the fact that he is famous, will be gone from Vulcan for long stretches of time, and frankly, she's just not that into him. She's fallen for a guy named Stonn instead, so instead of getting married, she hatches a plan where she'll get to be with Stonn no matter what the outcome. The thing is, she'll completely screw over Spock by making him kill his best friend. When her explanation finally comes out, Spock admits that her plan was logical. Then he gives T'Pring and Stonn the Vulcan version of the finger. T'Pring's way of thinking has actually spawned a phrase in our house: when something is morally terrible, but logical at the same time, it is labelled as being "T'Pring evil."

Also, T'Pring is a fox.

Eleen of Friday's Child: Brilliantly played by Julie Newmar of Catwoman fame, Eleen (Eh-leh-en) is the gift-wife of the tribal leader (Te-air) on a planet run by men. She's also stuck carrying the baby of a husband she doesn't really like. When her husband is killed in a coup, Eleen follows the OT3 up into the hills to escape her own death at the hands of the new Teer. She barks at Kirk and Spock, and gets into a slap-fight with Bones. She finally decides that she likes Bones, and allows him to assist in her giving birth. Waiting until he's asleep, she bashes him on the head with a rock and takes off, encountering the rest of the tribesmen, and a Klingon who has been mucking about on this planet, hoping to secure mining rights. In charge of her own destiny, Eleen declares that she will commit suicide in her own tent rather than be killed by the new Teer. She then pretty much spits in the face of the Klingon. Eleen is not your typical Star Trek damsel, and she takes no shit whatsoever. When the dust clears, her kid is named Teer, and Eleen is named regent. She then gives the Federation mining rights. Eleen: a feminist in a patriarchy. Fuck yeah.

Isis from Assignment: Earth: Gary Seven's shape-shifting cat companion, Isis assisted in his attempt to sabotage a missile for the benefit of mankind. In her cat form, she appeared on-screen in almost every scene. But she only got two shots in her human form, for a total of less than ten seconds. Mysterious and beautiful, who is Isis? Alas, we will never know. Her show was not picked up. *sigh*

Dr Richard Daystrom from The Ultimate Computer: Just in case you're thinking that this list is only comprised of bombshells, I've slipped the lone guy into the middle. Featured on an okay episode with a crappy title, Dr Daystrom is the genius behind the computer systems that run the Enterprise, and now, he has a new computer that thinks like a man. It sounds pretty simple, but the part of Daystrom is actually fairly complicated, as he's fighting against his own early fame and trying prove that he's still a heavy-hitter. Daystrom is a fairly important guy in Star Trek canon, being the namesake of the Daystrom Institute, later mentioned in Trek spin-offs. It was probably an extra slap in the face to the censors to make this important, well-respected man a big black dude. Good on ya, Star Trek.

Marlena Moreau from Mirror, Mirror: Being from the Mirror Universe, Marlena has some questionable morals, but she still managed to bring it in the end. The Captain's Woman, she is working her way through the ranks until she finds a comfortable spot. This is actually pretty admirable in a universe where one usually progresses through murder. It seems that at some point, she figured out that she could get what she wanted through seduction. However, she's clearly not adverse to that sort of thing, as she begins "eliminating" crew members that get in the way of non-Mirror Kirk and his quest to get back to his own universe. She asks him to take her with him, but he insists that she can do more good with Mirror Spock and Kirk than with him.

Amanda from Journey to Babel: As the wife of Sarek and the mother of Spock, it would have been a crime to make this woman boring. Awesomely, she is not. She constantly walks that fine line between being human and understanding Vulcans, but questions it all the same. Amanda manages to be both smart enough for her husband, but endearing enough to everyone else. I love this woman. She slaps Spock for being bull-headed and rages at Sarek for the same. And at the end of the day, you know she's crazy about both.

And now, some of my favorite screenshots from Season Two...

This was a beautiful shot from Metamorphosis, where the Companion, in her new human form, holds a scarf in front of Zefram Cochrane, in order to see him as she did when she was composed of a fine mist. It's a really lovely bridge between her previous form and her new form, and a nice way to talk about it without actually talking about it. It's subtle.

Sometimes you pause the episode at just the right moment, and even though you didn't intend to use that point as a screencapture, it's awesome enough to include. Here is Kirk choking in Gamesters of Triskelion. *snort*

This shot of Diana Muldaur's Dr Mulhall reacting to Kirk hitting on her was made it so easy for me to like her in TOS:

And now, my favorite screencapture of all time. I actually considered having this printed on a mouse pad. It's Spock getting a chest full of poisoned flower darts in The Apple.

So that's it for season two. I'm told that season three is not only super-shitty, but a Red blood-bath. Let's end with our death count, shall we?

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 20
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 27
Total crew deaths thus far: 44

Season 2, Episode 55 "Assignment: Earth"

"Assignment: Earth"
Production Number: 55
Air Order: 55
Stardate: Unknown
Original Air Date: March 29, 1968



You guys, guess what? Guesswhat, guesswhat, guesswhat? This is my favorite episode of season 2, and possibly of all time. Can you guess why? One of these reasons is... it features very little Kirk. Now, I'm sure that you've deduced that I'm not a fan of Kirk. I don't hate the guy, but I certainly find him to be an annoying douchebag. (An article I read about douchebags specifically named Kirk as being one, Picard as most definitely not, and Riker as trying, but not succeeding. I agree with all of these assessments.) The fact of the matter is, I cannot write this blog when I am having a bad day. I have literally had moments when I've said out loud, "I just can't deal with Kirk's bullshit today."

Anyway, this episode: it was actually created as a new show pitch by Gene Rod. But the network didn't pick it up, and woe be unto all of us, because I would have been glad to watch and review this show. It looked pretty good and the premise was interesting. Maybe they figured Gene Rod had enough to be going on with concerning his first show. (I'd like to apologize for any British-isms that slip in this week. I've been mainlining Sherlock and alternate speech patterns affect how I write. Be glad it was Sherlock and not The Color Purple - I thought in ebonics for weeks after finishing that book.)

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We start out this week with what is labeled as a Star Trek no-no in the writers' bible: we are orbiting Earth. (They apparently wanted to avoid Starfleet Academy, which would have been a costly set to build, and they wanted to keep things fresh and exciting by visiting other worlds instead. For bullshit concerning the partial breaking of this rule, please see The Omega Glory, Miri, A Piece of the Action,

 Bread and Circuses, Patterns of Force, ect.) It seems they are testing some new form of time travel, and it has put the Enterprise back in 20th-century Earth. Their assignment is to research how Earth survived some crises back in 1968, because apparently, historical documents didn't exist back then or something.

The ship rocks, the camera shakes, and Spock calls from the transporter room to say that they've accidentally disrupted someone's tractor beam. Why the hell he and Scotty are down there in the first place rather than on the bridge, I have no idea. But when he reveals to Kirk at later that someone is beaming aboard the E, it becomes much more apparent convenient. 

Spock tells Scotty that the transporter beam is coming from over a thousand light years away, and Scotty calls BS: that isn't possible. Kirk rushes down to see what's happening, and a well-dressed dude beams aboard with a hauspanther. Dramatic music and commercial break!

"Who the hell are you?" the dude demands. "How come you intercepted my beaming?"

Kirk quietly calls for security, then tells the dude "This is the starship USS Enterprise."

The cat meows, and the guy says, "I know, Isis," to her, but then he spots Spock, and there's more dramatic music! "You have a Vulcan. You're from the future. Beam me down to Earth now!"

"Nothing doing," says Kirk. "Tell us who the fuck you are."

"Okay. I'm Gary Seven. I'm from this period in Earth's history, but I've been living with aliens far out in space. They're concerned about the state of things right now, and they want Earth to survive, so they and I are helping," Seven admits.

"Maybe you're an alien, invading Earth from the future," suggests Kirk. He orders his Reds to lock Seven up.

A fight breaks out, but Kirk stuns Seven, and the dude is taken to sick bay to determine what species he is.

In the briefing room, Spock holds the cat Isis, and tells Kirk that cats are awesome. Hell yeah, they are! Then Kirk does something a bit different: he holds an all-ship briefing over the PA, broadcasting the conversation, and asking for different crew members at their stations to break in with information.

They hear from Chekov about how there doesn't appear to be a planet in the spot where Seven's beam originated, and from Scotty, who says that the beam was super-powerful. Spock tells Kirk that a bunch of shit is going down on Earth today: someone will be assassinated, an Asian superpower will be making it's move, and the US may be launching nuclear missiles at someone else. Apparently, this will lead to H-bombs in orbit around Earth. Sound like someone in this episode is about to save us from ourselves, because I sure as shit don't recall reading about this in any history book. Or maybe there was a cover-up.

Down in sick bay, Seven has awoken to find himself in a security holding. After sizing up the force field, he whips out a sonic screwdriver to both take out the field, and put the security Red to sleep.

Bones enters the briefing room to tell Kirk and Spock that Seven is human, but that he's in perfect condition. Kirk wonders if Seven is a human body hosting an alien, but they all glance up when the door opens and Isis slips out into the corridor. Then they go to red alert and the PA broadcasts that Seven has escaped.

Isis makes her way down to the transporter room, where Seven has used his sonic to put the Reds down for naps. He grabs her up, they hop on the transporter pad and beam away.

We get an exterior shot of a city now, and I think it might be stock footage they got somewhere, because no way could this show afford to hire a helicopter, nor could it afford to build a bunch of detailed models for one establishing shot.

Then we go straight into an office shot, panning across until we get to a wall panel that slides open to reveal a huge wall safe. The safe opens on it's own, there's a transporter beam sound, and Seven and Isis emerge from blue clouds. I don't know if this is all animation effects, or animation projected onto smoke-machine smoke, or what, but it's cool. That panning shot and the self-opening safe were cool, too.

A huge computer is revealed to be hidden behind a false bookcase, and Seven attempts to interact with it, asking the computer where two agents are. The computer gives him some shit because she/it doesn't recognize his name. Irritated, he describes the agents he is looking for and their mission: one male, one female; descendants of humans that were taken from Earth 6000 years earlier, been trained for this mission by those mysterious aliens that Seven works for, and they want to know why and how Earth technology has been progressing faster than terrans have been evolving. They also want to keep Earth from destroying itself.  The agents have been missing for three days and the computer doesn't know where they are.  He instructs her/it to run a search for them. 

In the meantime, how about a quick history lesson? How many humans did these aliens take 6000 years ago? Please tell me that it wasn't just two, and that the aliens have been breeding this whole time from inbred stock. Unless they're clones? Or very smart prehistoric humans who have had their lives expanded immensely? These are questions that probably would have been answered eventually if this show had been picked up, but as it wasn't, we don't get the luxury of knowing. Which sucks.

Upstairs, Scotty assures Kirk and Spock that he can figure out Seven beamed down, and can get them to within a certain distance of the beam-down point. Spock reminds Kirk that they can easily fuck up all of the shit if they don't follow the Prime Directive. Kirk says he knows, but he thinks Seven might be lying and considers it to be worth the risk.

Back in the office, the computer tells Seven that the US was supposed to launch nuclear missiles today, and it was the job of the agents to sabotage the missile. But the missile remains intact at this point, and it's about 90 minutes to launch time.

"Oh, fml," sighs Seven.

We cut to a shot outside, where Kirk and Spock are walking down the street in 20th-century clothing. I have two complaints about this shot:

1. Why, WHY must they always use a fucking beanie on Spock? As we saw in "A Piece of the Action", a stylish fedora covers those ears very nicely too, thank you.

2. Look what's behind our boys - that's right, it's that ugly-ass fur muff dress. Now, I've noticed this dress on various other aliens in group situations, and a command gold star to you, Budget, for reusing old costumes. But using it here insinuates that humans have terrible taste as well. Vomit.

Kirk and Spock have Scotty quietly, through the comm, direct them to Seven's beam-down point. In the office, Seven receives fake printed credentials from the computer so that he can complete the mission if the agents aren't found. Meanwhile, a young lady is attempting to get to work, and is probably late, based on her demeanor. Holy shit, you guys! It's Terri Garr! I love Terri Garr! Her acting isn't always top-notch, and she's been in some real crap, but she has the best WTF reactions to things. If you want a character to loudly declare that a situation is bullshit, you hire Terri Garr.

Only here she's a little slow on the uptake, as she's just arrived at the office, and has not called bullshit on that hideous outfit. It's as though she's dressed like that on purpose... We've got a small circus tent in orange and lavender, belted with a black velvet ribbon, and paired with white tights. Ugh. Just in case you can't see as well, she's wearing matching bowling shoes in orange and lavender, and her purse is this cube with color-coordinated circles on each side. I know this was the late sixties, but she actually spent money on shoes that will go with no other outfits that she owns? Or - God forbid - she actually owns other outfits that go with those shoes?

She takes off her jacket. Good Lord, it was a jacket! And she's got a blouse on underneath that's the exact same pattern! And holy shit! Those white tights have a pink stripe down the side. In talking to herself, we find out that her name is Roberta. Roberta, you deserve a raise and a day of shopping. No one should be forced to dress like a clown. I almost kind of miss the simplicity of that fucking fur muff dress in the wake of this mess.

Anyway, Seven comes out of the back office and assumes that she's 201, the female agent. He tells her that he's the supervisor and demands that she sit at the typewriter and write up a report about where she's been the last three days. Weirded out, she pulls up to the typewriter, and he pushes a button on the side. It begins typing everything she says. Roberta loses it and declares that she's leaving.

Seven sonics the door closed and requests that a cube on the desk tie into the computer. The cube tells Seven that Roberta is the secretary, hired by the agents. Seven asks Roberta what work the agents told her they were doing, and a confused Roberta tells them that they were doing research for a new encyclopedia. That's actually a pretty good cover. Who the hell would ask about something that tedious?

He tells her that they're actually doing undercover work for the CIA and he whips out his new CIA badge as proof. She agrees to stay. Isis comes out of the office and meows at him, to which he responds that he'll be right in. Seven is uncomfortable.

"It's... a trained cat, like a guard dog?"

Whatever, she buys it. He locks himself in the office with the cat. The computer has figured out where the agents are, and tells Seven that they were killed in a car crash two days earlier, near the base where they were going to sabotage the rocket. Seven briefly bitches about the outcome of this situation, and I don't blame him. All that planning and kidnapping prehistoric humans and training people, only to have the agents die in a car crash two days before the Big Event? That certainly does suck.

Kirk and Spock find the office and ring the doorbell. Seriously, there's a doorbell? For an office? Why? (It is later revealed that the "office" is an apartment. Why the hell would they rent an apartment instead of an actual office space? Is the rent cheaper? Did they figure they wouldn't have to declare their business dealings with the city if they worked out of an apartment? While I'm busy thinking of business zoning vs residential, it occurs to me that they it's probably an apartment because Spock and Kirk ringing the doorbell gives Seven ample time to hop in the safe before they come in. That's it. They made the story slightly more complicated for the sake of a sound effect. Lame.)

They let themselves in, but Roberta tells them that they have to leave. Hearing Kirk and Spock in the front office, Seven grabs Isis and heads for the safe-transporter thing. Roberta attempts to call the police, but Kirk and Spock grab her. In the struggle, she rips that awful fur beanie off of Spock's head and demands, "What are you?"

Seven beams to McKinley Rocket base with one hour left to disarm the rocket. Everyone on base seems fine with this new dude who is walking around with a cat.

In the meantime, the cops have shown up. Roberta lets them in as Kirk and Spock run into the inner office. Kirk requests a wide-range beam-up, but they get a transporter fuck-up instead, and Scotty beams up Kirk, Spock, and both cops.

There's a WTH? moment before Scotty beams the cops back. Roberta is extra surprised to see them materialize in the office.

Meanwhile, Seven has finally been stopped by a security guard. He tells the guard that he is with the NSA, and the guard picks up the phone to double-check. Isis attacks the guard, and Seven uses his sonic screwdriver to make the guard... I dunno, ridiculously happy? Anyway, he tells security that everything is cool, then sets the guard down to take a nap on the sidewalk. With 45 minutes left until launch, he and Isis climb into the trunk of the launch director's car.

On the E, Scotty shows Kirk and Spock shots of the launch site by bouncing beams off the Earth's satellites. They ask him to beam them down to the site so that they can find Seven.

The launch director pulls up the the rocket and he and two other official-looking guys disappear off-camera for a few seconds so that Seven can climb out of the car. Then they leave. How convenient that whole scene was. Nobody notices that a guy and a cat get into the elevator that goes to the top of the rocket.

The sleeping guard wakes up just as Kirk and Spock materializes nearby. He pulls a gun and -- oh, for fuck's sake. Are you kidding me, costume department? First a fuzzy beanie, and now this? Nothing says "Goin' fishin' right after my espionage" quite like a suit and a bucket hat.

So an intruder has been detected by launch control, but for whatever dumb reason, they have decided to go along with it anyway. Okaaaaay....

At the office, Roberta has discovered by accident the lever that opens the sliding door to the safe-transporter.

And Scotty, up top, is dicking around with the satellite feeds, looking for better and better pictures.

Seven has made it to the place on the rocket where he needs to be. This is actually a really cool shot. I think that tower in the background is actually the tower where he and the rocket are supposed to be, but points for trying. Either way, it's a good enough match of stock photo, steaming rocket and construction arm to make me believe that this guy is about to sabotage a missile.

The guard brings Spock and Kirk into the launch room rather than some kind of holding cell, and their comms are confiscated. I guess maybe they think that Kirk and Spock are the intruders, because the system is telling the launch director that everything is fine. Really? The system honestly isn't registering that there's a panel open near the top of the rocket? Seriously? I thought rockets were designed to self-report that kind of shit so years of work doesn't accidentally blow up on the launch pad.

Scotty, still messing with the sat-pics, sees Seven and Isis screwing around in one of the panels on the side of the rocket. He decides that he can save the day by beaming Seven back onto the Enterprise. But, wait! Roberta has figured out how to open the safe-transporter, and by messing with the controls while Scotty is beaming Seven away from the rocket, she manages to get Seven to beam back into the office.

Kirk's Log, supplemental: "Spock and I are in the mission control room, which is frankly the worst place to take suspected intruders, because we could probably do a lot of damage here if we wanted. We don't know where Seven is, and we don't know how to stop the launch, even though we're not really certain why we should. We can't tell these guys what we know, because they would never believe us, and because of the PD. But here's something that will blow your mind: how am I recording this? On what? Am I talking to myself? Is this whole thing just a figment of my imagination? Haha, suck on that, whydoncha?"

So the rocket launches, even though it's been altered, and no one has been alerted. Seven, back in the office, runs to the computer, and asks if he can still control it, even though his alterations had not be completed. The computer replies that he can still run the rocket manually. Roberta picks up the phone, but Seven severs the cord. He manages to get the rocket off-course, and arm the war-head.

Back at McKinley, the mission-control people are finally made aware that things are not going according to plan. Uhura contacts Scotty to tell him that she's picking up alarmed transmissions from some of the world's super-powers. Scotty decides to risk calling Kirk.

In the office, Roberta smacks Seven in the back of the head with some kind of metal brick or something. He falls to the floor, and she takes his sonic screwdriver. The thing is, Seven had not finished his sabotage, and now the rocket is falling back to Earth. It will probably explode on impact.

"Do as I say, or I'm gonna force you take a nap!"

Getting this news, the mission-control guys are too busy to notice Kirk and Spock dematerializing behind them. On the E, they ask Scotty to beam them into the office.

Seven tells Roberta his backstory, in the hopes that she will believe him and allow him to finish his job. The rocket has less than a minute to impact, and Kirk and Spock bust in. This sucks, because Roberta has decided to believe Seven. They're aiming phasers at Seven, but Roberta is aiming the screwdriver at Kirk. Seven takes the screwdriver and gives it to Kirk as a show of faith. Spock, who has tried to get the rocket under control, admits that he does not have the information needed to blow it up mid-flight. Kirk agrees to let Seven take over, with 30 seconds left to impact. Scotty calls to report that all of the other major players on Earth have notice the missile and are on retaliation alert. Seven successfully makes the rocket explode 104 miles above the Earth.

In the outer office, Seven is sitting next to the typewriter, dictating his report. Kirk and Spock are there, back in their Starfleet jammies, because apparently it was necessary to go back to the ship and change into a uniform that could get them into trouble if someone from the twentieth century saw them. No biggie. Seven has also changed clothes, so it is either a different day, or Roberta has worn the same outfit twice. Or, possibly, out of all of the people standing in front of that computer with the exploding missile, Roberta was the only one who didn't shit her pants.

Kirk and Seven good-naturedly argue about who was interfering with whom, and Roberta glances over at the couch.

"Hey!" Roberta stomps over to Seven. "Who the fuck is that?"

"That's my cat," replies Seven.

"What are your records going to say?" Seven asks Kirk.

"None of your beeswax," laughs Kirk.

"I think they'll say that you guys have some interesting experiences ahead," notes Spock, and they beam up to lighthearted music.

Sadly, Roberta and Seven do not have interesting experiences ahead, because someone decided to pass on this cool new show. Those someones are dicks. You should be angry with them. They deprived you of fun.

*ring*

America: Hello?

Cuba: America, what the fuck?

America: What?

Cuba: What the hell was that? Something just exploded in our airspace!

America: Um, it did?

Cuba: Yes! What the hell was it?

America:

America:

Cuba: Hello?

America: Fireworks.

Cuba: Wha- are you kidding me? Fireworks?

America: Yeah. You know me, I like things that explode. Fireworks, all the time. They're fun.

Cuba: Yeah, I don't think that's what that was.

America: You know what, I got my good friend Canada here. He can vouch for me.

Canada: ...um, hullo?

Cuba: Yeah, your friend America there says he set off fireworks in my airspace just now. Is that what it was, or is he lying to save his ass?

Canada:

Canada:

Canada: Soorry, I don't know what you guys are on aboot. Oh, look, hockey's on. Gotta go.

*click*

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 20
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 27
Total crew deaths thus far: 44

No deaths, but Seven's sonic screwdriver clearly has a nap setting. How terribly polite of him. I would love to be shot with a nap ray, thank you.

*******

Some stores have better tea selection than others. Yesterday I was in one of those stores that offers a wide range of brands and flavors, and it was maybe too many. Should I choose the ones with fruit, or the ones with spices? What sounded the most awesome? At the moment, it was Tazo Vanilla Caramel. It's cold outside, and something warm and spicy seemed like just the ticket. But clearly it was too many choices. I totally missed the fact that this tea is chai-based. Chai is not my favorite thing ever. I read the back of the package and it listed licorice root. It no longer sounded good. I was kind of sad, but I made a cup anyway. And I was pleasantly surprised. It's warm, and you know how chai is usually made with milk? Not necessary. The caramel is creamy enough on it's own. And the spice palette is nicely balanced, reminiscent of holiday treats. Do I taste the licorice? Yeah, it gives the tea a bit of a bite in the after-taste, but it isn't obnoxious. I bet this tea is good with sugar cookies.

http://www.tazo.com/Product/Detail/33

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