Warp Speed to Nonsense

Warp Speed to Nonsense

Monday, March 31, 2014

Season 1, Episode 1, "Day of the Dumpster"

"Day of the Dumpster"
Episode: 1
Air Date: August 28, 1993

As part of the opening credits, this show gives us a synopsis of the episode. "Here's a brand-new thing to watch, kids, and beeteedubs, Spoilers, Sweetie."

We open with two astronauts in astronaut suits, taking a stroll through the desert on a planet surface. Suddenly, one pulls out a gun and shoots the other, who turns out to be a robot full of tiny people. No, wait. That's from a good show. On this crappy show, they find a round metal container.
"I think it's an alien dumpster," says one, because that makes a lot of fucking sense.
So they open it, and a bunch of costumed characters appear on the horizon. These new guys yell the equivalent of "Hooray, we're free!", much to the astonishment of the astronauts.
Here's what we know about this planet; it has gravity, but no breathable air. And it contains an alien dumpster that houses Six Flags photo op rejects.

The costumed guys help this super-horny chick out of the "dumpster", and she immediately bitches at them, which means, by default, that they're her henchmen.

The horny chick destroys the dumpster with her lightning rod pimp cane thing, and the astronauts fall all over themselves trying to get away.
"Don't go," she laughs. "You'll miss my coming out party!"
What, she's Queen of the Lesbians? I guess that makes sense. Given that this was filmed in 1993, there's certainly plenty of plaid in this show to keep her happy.

We cut to the Angel Grove Youth Center Gym and Juice Bar, which is apparently the local hangout, where squeaky-clean teens can Just Say No and practice abstinence. This is the weirdest place ever. It's like a café with a balance beam.

This is Kimberly, who is very White Girl. Sometimes, she
switches it up and goes very Valley Girl. Everyone on this
show is a freaking cardboard cut-out.

A girl in pink pants does some gymnastics moves, while nearby two guys do some kind of martial arts or kickboxing or something. The two kickboxer guys, Jason and Zack, are friends; as are the balance beam girl, Kimberly, and an Asian girl, Trini.

Jason is the leader, and the dude in red. Zack is our token black guy
and the only dude with any sense. Too bad he's also the resident hip-hop

Trini is our token Asian friend. Mostly, they needed another
girl and another color, otherwise the team would be all-white
with a side of Zack.
The resident dork enters for his first-ever karate lesson. You can tell he's a dork because he's obviously awkward and wears his glasses as though they're a badge that says "Mock me." Zack and Jason greet him as Billy. These are our protagonists, you guys: athletic, motivated teenagers. Somehow I get the impression that their homework was completed before they hit the gym to hang out and drink juice.

Poor Billy. Later, he wears overalls with pencils in the front pocket
and a denim shirt tied around his waist. He is the poster boy for
dorkiness, and they didn't even attempt to be subtle about it.

Two guys enter. One is wearing a leisure suit jacket and too much hairgel. This guy is Skull. The other dude has a receding hairline, a ponytail, and oh my holy hell: he's wearing a denim vest over his leather jacket. This guy is Bulk. They're clearly flunkies of some kind, losers meant to illustrate how awesome our heroes are by staying in school and not dressing like punks. Before they came in, the background music in the café-gym was a non-offensive hip-hop. Their entrance heralded a circus theme with heavy tuba sounds added. This shit is terrible. I'm only three minutes in, and I don't want people knowing that I watched this.

Skull and Bulk harass Trini and Kimberly in the most PG way ever. The girls pull out their super-awesome karate moves and flip them onto the mat under the beam.
 Somewhere else, the horny chick looks through a telescope, and we get the cartoony effect of seeing her giant eye and falsies in the end of it. She cackles and orders her Furry henchmen to make a "putty patrol".

Meanwhile, back at the gym, Jason is sensei or some shit, running the karate class. 90's Dork Billy is not feeling it, and says that maybe karate is not for him. Jason replies that it just takes practice or dedication or whatever, and this show briefly becomes an after-school special while Jason convinces Billy to remain in the class. They barf "the more you know" rainbows, and Billy recites some karate mantra shit that he memorized like a good little second-grader, and holy shit, this is painful. Skull and Bulk come in, dressed in bullshit versions of karate uniforms, and oh my fuck: Bulk is still wearing that denim vest. Skull, by contrast, has ditched her leisure suit jacket and is now wearing the hat and coat of a Gold Rush-era Chinese immigrant. *sigh* Thirteen minutes left of this crap. Anyway, they say they want to learn how to beat people up and Jason shuts them down.

You can tell that Bulk is the the bully because of his denim vest
and fingerless leather motorcycle gloves. You can tell that Jason
is the good-guy badass because his sweatband, wristbands and
tank top all match. And you can tell that Skull is a racist fuck
because he thinks this is what you wear to a karate class.

Later, the gang is in the café assuring Billy that he did really well for his first lesson. The overtly 90's wardrobing is giving me PTSD from junior high. Billy, honey, in order to make those overalls work, they have to be baggy. Wearing them fitted like that makes you look like a doofus. Please take careful note that everyone here is either wearing wide stripes, or plaid of some kind, or OMG, check out that chick on the right in the pink work-out clothes! Are those suspenders?

A dude comes by with healthy drinks on a tray, but then an earthquake occurs, and he stumbles backward, dumping the drinks on Bulk. Then everyone screams and runs outside, because that is the dipshit reaction that people have when they encounter an earthquake outside of California.

Here's a tip form someone who grew up in Earthquake Country: unless someone specifically tells you that the building is unsafe, DO NOT RUN OUTSIDE. Trees or utility poles or something could fall on you. This is Darwinism at it's finest. Buildings only collapse when shit isn't up to code, or if they're sitting on top of the epicenter. You see that as often as you do because it makes for a more interesting broadcast.
Do this instead: Get under a fucking table, and wait for the shaking to stop. Then turn on the radio or TV to get some information. BEWARE: whoever is reporting the news will offer some good info, but they will also say that "we've been expecting the Big One for years. This wasn't it, but it'll come." They all say this, and it's the biggest bullshit ever. The Big One isn't expected in your lifetime or mine, so CALM. THE FUCK. DOWN.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Fucking idiots outside in an earthquake. There's an establishing shot of a fortress or lair on a mountain, and I don't know how that can be there without everyone noticing, but whatever.

Inside, a floating head is talking to a robot, who is freaking the fuck out and screaming that it's the Big One. I'd like to stick a magnet on him and erase his hard drive.

The floating head says that it is not an earthquake, that Rita (the horny chick) has escaped and is attacking the planet. The head tells the robot (Alpha 5) that it needs "five overbearing and overemotional humans."
"Not teenagers!" shouts Alpha.
Wait... was that an attempt at a joke? And a mildly funny one at that?

Our heroes are magically transported from the juice bar to the mountain lair. Alpha runs into the room and Billy geeks out about how cool Alpha is. Then the head appears, telling them that he is Zordon, an inter-dimensional being caught in a time warp. He says that Rita Repulsa is a witch from another galaxy, hell-bent on destroying the Earth. Zordon wants to give the teens special dinosaur powers to defeat her henchmen. Belt buckles appear on the fronts of the kids' pants. Then they all turn to a viewing globe for a 30-second commercial that explains how the toys currently being marketed to you will work in conjunction with one another. This is so that when you convince your parents to buy said toys, you can try hooking them together in the proper fashion before a cheap plastic part snaps off. As the globe demonstrates how each of their individual vehicles work together, I'm struck by the similarity between this show and the 80's cartoon Voltron. But a quick trip into Researchland revealed that Voltron and MMPR were both Japanese franchises imported to the States and watered down for American audiences. Yes, and your beloved Transformers, too. Now I'm left with the feeling that the Japanese mostly like to see things grow to giant proportions, and battle it out amongst cardboard replicas of cities.

So Zack isn't buying what Zordon is selling, and he convinces the others to leave. Jason seems hesitant, but follows.
Upstairs, or wherever the hell Rita is, Rita is making henchmen out of clay, like golems. She sees that Zordon has tried to recruit five whiny teens to help him, so she has decided to send her putty patrol to kill them or whatever the lame writers of this show plan to do with these kids.
Outside, Jason tries to talk the others into taking up Zordon's offer. Only Zack has any sense, responding, "We were talking to a giant floating head, you dipshit!"
They're ambushed by the putty guys. Zack tries to hip-hop dance-off them to death. Billy asks them to wait until he takes his glasses off.

So of course they get their asses handed to them, ending up in a pile. And I snicker, because this show sucks, and I'm mean.

They decide to use the morphers, and appear in fancy Spanx and helmets. Suddenly, they are no longer completely useless. And they now have weapons.

Ignoring the fact that they never got rid of the putty patrol, Zordon transports them back into the city, as Rita has sent down a new henchman called Goldar. There's an extended fight scene between Goldar, the Rangers, and more putty guys. And by extended, I don't mean that it was actually a very long scene, but that it seemed to drag on forever because it's overlaid by the theme song, which consists of synthesizer music and repeated singing of the phrase "Go, go power Rangers!" It gets old quick.

Rita decides that the Spanx Crew is kicking too much ass, so she enlarges Goldar by throwing her pimp cane down to Earth. Seriously, where the hell is this chick? She can see everything that's happening on Earth as though this was in a cop drama, and she could locate a perp using a zoomed-in fuzzy photo and an IP address. She's also close enough to throw stuff at the Earth, and have it actually land there, all while ignoring the weightless properties of space.

What follows next is a sequence of still shots of each Ranger in "attack poses", overlaid with them spouting hackneyed shit like "the good guys are here!" Because Kimberly is a girl, and her Spanx comes with a built-in skirt, her attack pose includes hearts.

Then we get a shot of each vehicle shrouded in smoke, and they shout out the animal, letting you know which Ranger is which color, and which dinosaur matches them. This way, it's easier to remember which toys you already have, and which ones you still need to pester your grandparents to get you.

They all hop in their vehicles. Kimberley's pterodactyl flies to the fight from behind a smoking volcano - where the fuck does this show take place? They join their vehicles together to form Megazord Tank Mode, because they say so. The Megazord Tank takes a few hits, then it morphs into a Transformer the Megazord. Then we get some more crappy fight scenes featuring two guys in costumes, and miniature trees and hills. The fucking theme song plays ad nauseum.

The Megazord gains a sword - seriously, it literally falls out of the sky - and Goldar just fucking gives up, disappearing.
Rita is incensed, raging in bad lip-sync, "I can't believe they beat us!"
I don't believe it, either. They didn't fucking do anything.

Down in Zordon's secret mountain lair that's totally conspicuous, the teens are getting the run-down of what it means to have powers and shit: only use your powers for good, don't pick fights, and don't tell anyone that you're a Spanx Ranger.
Zack, who again is the lone voice of reason, thinks they got lucky. Zordon, who doesn't know shit about them, says they're a super-awesome fighting team, and Zack suddenly chooses to believe the floating head from another dimension. Kimberly, ever the "girl", declares that she doesn't want to do it because her hair gets tangled in the helmet. Everyone protests until she pulls out that classic 90's "NOT!" and I try to slap her but I'm impeded by the screen.
They all shout "Yay!" and this shit is finally fucking over.

Death Toll:
I wish it was all of them.

Un-closed Loopholes/Things Not Explained:
Why was Rita locked in the dumpster? Did Zordon do it? Which planet is she on? Why the hell does she hate Earth? Does she have some reasoning for wanting to destroy it, or is she just a cunt? Why were THOSE five teens asked to become Rangers? It seems like Zordon and Alpha 5 picked them at random. And where the hell does this take place? Hawaii? There was a frickin' volcano in one scene. Also, how does a robot "grow"? And why, even though they were supposedly driving different vehicles, did they magically end up in the same control room when the vehicles linked? There was no time for them to get there. Who the hell watched this show and enjoyed it?

I fucking hate this show, you guys. I hate it more than bacon, which is a lot, because I really HATE bacon. I know that a lot of people just a bit younger than I look upon this show fondly, with nostalgia-colored glasses because they watched this as a kid. They can watch it now and laugh at the horrible effects and bad lip-sync of Rita Repulsa and still think of it in a good way. But I cannot. I was 13 when this show came out. It was shitty then. It is shitty now. I realize that, as said 13-year-old girl, I was not the target audience. It was the younger crowd, and usually the boys, who went for this faire. But here's my problem: good programming is good programming, even years later. It should stand the test of time. I would gladly watch episodes of Sesame Street or Mister Roger's Neighborhood today, and totally enjoy it. And I would absolutely watch the shows that I watched after school when I was younger. (Seriously: Disney Afternoon or GTFO.) Those shows still hold up, though the years have gone by, and I've gotten older. Though I never really watched much, I feel like Batman the Animated Series still holds up, as does Animaniacs. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers didn't even hold up when it was brand new, and horribly, it keeps being re-vamped year after year, another show with different actors, another crappy film and a slew of toys to go with it. Every episode is kind of the same, and they didn't even use their tiny budget wisely. Visually, it's crap. Story-wise, crap also. It honestly took me three days to slog through a twenty-minute episode, and I came out the other end feeling like I had wasted all of that time.
Fuck you, Power Rangers. Fuck you like a bacon-wrapped piece of bacon in bacon sauce. Then held in front of a rabid dog.


This week I decided to try the kind of water known as "tap". It was alright, I guess. Like a less-salty version of sweat, and a non-sweet sugar-water. It's clear in color, at least from the faucet that I was using, and I've heard that it varies greatly in that respect, depending on which area you live in. As for taste, it had the full flavor of nothing with undertones of bland. It's a little watered down, honestly. But the mouthfeel was light and refreshing. I don't really recommend it hot, but it's okay tepid and really good iced. If you go to the right restaurant or bar, they might even drop a wedge of lime in it for you, which is my favorite by far. I would recommend water for working out, cooling off, or just, you know, living in general.
Next week I think I'll try "bottled".

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Happy Birthday Leonard Nimoy!

Georgie's FB page let me know that today is Leonard's birthday (only I missed the word birthday at first, and thought he had died. One does not need a heart attack like that first thing in the morning). Anyway, here's the Audi commercial that he shot with Zachary Quinto. I'm sure you've seen it, but you should watch it again because it's awesome.


Monday, March 24, 2014

Season 2, Episode 34 "Amok Time"

"Amok Time"
Production Number: 34
Air Order: 30
Stardate: 3372.7
Original Air Date: September 15, 1967

I feel like the title for this episode should come with an exclamation point: "Hey kids, it's Amok Time! Hooray, time to go amok!" Of course, my mind swiftly follows that thought with one of Sarah Jessica Parker jumping up and down singing "amok, amok, amok, amok..."

It was in searching for this image that I realized that not one person
on the internet knows how to spell the word "amok". My inner
grammar nerd wants to smack a bitch.


We start out casually this week, with Bones catching Kirk as he climbs out of a Jeffries tube.
"Spock is PMSing," says Bones. "He won't eat, and he won't come in for a physical."
Kirk brushes it off with, "Vulcans are weird."
Christine comes by with a tray of plomeek soup for Spock, and when the boys give her shit about it, she trips over her own tongue, mumbling about finding something that Spock might eat. I guess this is supposed to be a continuation of her "confession" from The Naked Now. I still don't ship that.

Unfortunately, when she tries to give it to him, she runs from his quarters as the soup hits the wall.
"Bitch, did I say I was hungry?" he roars. Seeing Kirk, he snaps, "Your ass is dropping me on Vulcan on the way to wherever the hell we're going."

Kirk and Spock are arguing in Spock's quarters after the credit break. Spock is being super-bitchy, and Kirk is throwing fuel on the fire by yelling back.
"Why do you need a vacation now?" he demands. "You've never taken one before."
Sounds like a good enough reason right there. Just give the man his damn leave.
"Just because," says Spock tersely. He's grasping a shiv behind his back.
"Yeah, okay," says Kirk finally. And when he leans over to call the helm to get them to head for Vulcan, Kirk notices the knife.
Spock thanks Kirk as the captain leaves, then turns to his creepy display of serial killer weapons and weird statues.

Kirk's Log 3372.7: "Spock needs Midol, or whatever it is that Vulcans take. Vidol? Anyway, we're taking him home."
No go, actually. A message comes in on the bridge that the inauguration ceremony that they were headed for on Altair VI has been pushed up by a week.
"We won't have time to go to Vulcan first," says Chekov.
"Ah, well," says Kirk. "We can go to Vulcan later. Sucks to be you, Spock."
"That does suck," Spock replies.

Kirk is lying in bed later when he calls the helm to ask Chekov how late they will be in getting to Altair VI if they divert to Vulcan to drop off Spock.
"Dude, we're already going to Vulcan," Chekov replies. "Spock made it so."
Kirk redirects them back to Altair VI, and fetches Spock from the bridge, dragging him into the lift. "WTF? Why did you change my order?"
Spock is confused. "I don't remember giving that order, but if you say so..."

Kirk orders him to report to sick bay. When he gets off the lift, Spock meanders through the halls until he reaches sick bay, where McCoy is ready to examine him. Spock tries to play semantics ("I reported to sick bay, now I'm going back to my room"), but Bones shuts him down with logic, so Spock gets on the exam table.
There's a fun scene in here where Sulu and Chekov bitch about the back and forth of their journey. Chekov thinks he might get space sick. It makes me wonder what kind of barf bags they have on the Enterprise. Are they Red? Shiny? Furry? Draped in fabric? Torn in a sexy way, revealing barf bag nipples?

Bones rushes into Kirk's room and announces that if Spock doesn't get back to Vulcan within a week, he'll die.
Dramatic music! Then The Shat employs one of his world-famous pauses. "Why................... must he die?"
I mean, dude is known for these pauses. There's even a game one can play called "Shatnering", where someone calls out "Shatner!", and you have to immediately overact whatever it is you're doing. But this pause is astronomical. You know what happened during that pause? Spock died. Also, Rome was built. And Europe had time to re-populate after the Black Plague.
So Kirk asks Bones why Spock will die and (years later) Bones replies that he doesn't know, that Spock has a weird imbalance, and is aware of what is causing it, but that he won't tell anyone. Kirk rushes to Spock's quarters.
Spock tells Kirk that it's none of his business, and Kirk swears to keep his mouth shut. Spock tries to dance around a conversation about birds and bees and eagles and salmon, and I have to appreciate the skill of these two actors, because this scene is more awkward than a British sitcom. Spock finally reveals that he has to take a wife and mate with her or he'll die. Kirk pinky-swears to keep the secret and leaves.

For a guy who has as much sex as has been implied, Kirk is sure
squidgy talking about it.

On the bridge, Chekov looks at Sulu and says "This job, dude. Dude, this job." Uhura attempts to call Spock with ship's business, and he crushes the communicator screen. In sick bay, Kirk tries to convince Starfleet command to let them go to Vulcan before going to Altair VI. The admiral he speaks with tells him that it's an important diplomatic mission, and that they're not going to Vulcan. Kirk turns off the monitor.
"Fuck that noise," he tells Bones. "Two other ships are going to Altair. We won't be missed. Pack your sunscreen, dude. We're going to Vulcan."
Overhearing, Christine runs to Spock's quarters to tell him the good news. He's in a weird mood, just getting out of bed, and he says that he was just dreaming that she had something to tell him, but that he couldn't hear her. Then he says that it would be illogical for them to protest against their natures. She cries. he asks her to make him more plomeek soup. Overjoyed, she agrees, and runs off as semi-creepy bass music plays.
No, seriously: who ships this?

Kirk, Bones and Spock get into the lift, and Spock asks his boyfriends if they will both be best man. They agree and hop off the lift at the bridge. The E is orbiting Vulcan, and they've been acknowledged by the planet. The screen comes on, revealing a female that Spock calls T'Pring. They exchange ritualistic greetings of "Parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched." The first half of that sentiment is alright, but the second part is kind of creepy. They agree to meet at a pre-determined place, and T'Pring signs off.

"Who was that?" asks Uhura.
"Um, my wife," says Spock, and Kirk and Bones give him their best WTF faces. Christine does too, because remember, the writer of this episode ships that. We don't see Uhura's reaction, because who cares if Spock-Uhura is slightly more canon?

"Dude, you got married, and you didn't even let me throw you
a stag party with Vulcan strippers? Come on, pointy ears and
shapely rears!"

The OT3 beams down to the surface, and I guess the Vulcan Mardi Gras just occurred, because there's glitter all over the ground. They go inside a sort of smallish outdoor arena, and Kirk explains to Bones that in the distant past, Vulcans would fight for and win mates. Their word for "marriage" also means "challenge". (I feel like it means the same thing in English, too.) The Vulcans kind of lose their minds a bit, take a mate, and then everything goes back to normal. Bones surmises that the Pon Farr madness may be the price they pay for being emotionless most of the time.
Okay, I have to ask: if Spock knew this was coming, why did he not prepare better? Could he not have alerted Kirk that he needed leave ahead of time? Does he not own a calendar?

Anyway, Spock rings a gong to start the ceremony. He tells Kirk and Bones that his parents arranged his marriage when he and T'Pring were 7 years old. They did a little mind-meld thing.
The wedding party comes in with T'Pring and a tiny old woman on a litter.
"Holy shit," says Kirk. "That's T'Pau, the only person who has ever refused to sit on the Federation council. If you look up Vulcan in the dictionary tapes, there's a picture of her. Spock must be hella important if she's here." 
Not gonna lie, you guys. T'Pau totally looks like Rita Repulsa from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Also, T'Pring is a fox. Kirk would totally bang her if she wasn't engaged to his friend. Cuz that's the kind of stand-up guy Kirk is: "I like you so much, I won't sleep with your fiance."

Admit it. You would hit on her, too.

Spock greets T'Pau with the Vulcan hand gesture, which I think may be the first time that we see that. Leonard Nimoy made it up - it's part of a traditional Jewish hand gesture. T'Pau makes it back at him, which is to say that the actress held up her taped fingers because she couldn't make that gesture on her own. Heh.
"The hell, Spock?" she asks. "You brought humans with you?"
"I'm allowed," he says sulkily, and introduces his friends.
Kirk is awed by T'Pau. She tells the humans that they are witnessing something special. T'Pau uses the pronouns "thee" and "thou". Incorrectly. Multiple times.
Spock attempts to ring the gong again to start the ceremony, but T'Pring stops him, choosing the Challenge. Spock retreats to the corner like a naughty kid, attempting to control his blood fever.

While T'Pau explains everything to Kirk and Bones, T'Pring keeps glancing at another Vulcan dude. She readily accepts that she will become property of the victor. But when she goes to select a champion, she chooses Kirk instead.
The other Vulcan is pissed, but T'pring has made her choice. T'Pau says that kirk is allowed to leave because he doesn't practice their belief system, and this is another one of those moments when it becomes obvious that the people who make this show are Jewish. Go, Judaism!
Kirk decides to stay.

Had to grab this screenshot. Spock is supposed to be off to the side,
deep in his blood fever, but instead the camera caught him hanging out
next to the wall, herpaderp, waiting for his next cue.

Spock objects because Kirk doesn't know their ways. He's kind of growling his lines now. T'Pau insults him by questioning his Vulcanhood. She says that Kirk and Spock will fight, but she once again offers Kirk the option of backing out. Bones tries to talk Kirk out of it, saying that the heat and thin air will do him in.
"No way," says Kirk. "I'll let him knock me out, he can get the girl, and all will be well. Besides, I don't want to look like a little bitch in front of T'Pau." Careful, dude. If you admire her too much, she'll guest-star again on another episode as a villain.
Kirk accepts, and the guards bring out the weapons, a pair of Vulcan lirpa. Oh, my holy fuck. Have you seen this weapon? It's like a farming tool mated with a writing implement and had a beautiful, deadly baby. Fuck decorative swords. I want a pair of crossed lirpa hanging over my fireplace.

"Beeteedubs," says T'Pau, "this fight is to the death."
So much for your grand plan, Kirk. Maybe you should have asked that question first.
The fight starts, and right away Kirk takes a swipe to the chest from the sharp end of that lirpa. Welcome back, Ripped-Shirt Kirk! It's been a while.

Kirk and Spock move around the arena, making slicing movements with one side of the lirpa, and blunt-force strikes with the other. Jeebus. Both ends of this thing are the business end. The pair seems evenly matched, and when both lirpas are out of commission, T'Pau calls a time out. Bones calls bullshit on the fight, saying Kirk can't breathe in the thin air.

"Too bad," says T'Pau.
"Can I give him a hypo so he can breathe easier?" he asks.
"Cool," she grants.
So Bones hypos Kirk, and the new weapon is brought out, the ahn-woon. It's like a rope with two heavy balls on the ends.

Kirk has just enough time to make a "how the fuck do I use this?" face before Spock lassos his ass, and it's on again. There's more hand to hand combat, and Spock succeeds in choking Kirk with the ahn-woon. Bones rushes forward and pronounces Kirk dead.

"You're dead, Jim."

Bones calls Uhura for a beam-up, then turns to Spock. "You're in charge now, asshole. Orders?"
"We need to go to the nearest starbase so I can turn myself in for killing my CO," says Spock, who seems less murdery now.
Kirk and Bones beam up.
"T'Pring," says Spock, "what the fuck?"
"There's this other dude, Stonn," sys T'pring. She means the dude with the ears, which is saying something on Vulcan. "I wanted him, and I didn't want you, because you had become kind of a legend. If you fought Kirk and he won, he wouldn't want me. If you fought, and you won, then you would divorce me for choosing Challenge. If you won and didn't divorce me, then you would be gone all the time on your ship, and I could fool around behind your back. In all of those scenarios, I still get Stonn."

Oh T'Pring, you clever girl. That's kind of evil, but still logical. I'm sorting you into Slytherin. Good job.
"That makes sense," nods Spock. Then he gives T'Pring and Stonn the polite Vulcan version of "Well, you're stuck with each other now, so fuck you both", and he goes to T'Pau, who gives him a Live Long and Prosper.
"Yeah, fuck you guys," he replies. "You made me kill my friend. You can all bite me."
He beams up.

"No, T'Pau. I really do NOT want a high five right now."

On board the E, Spock makes his way back down to sick bay, where he tells Bones that he will be putting Scotty in charge. 
Kirk walks up behind him. "You giving my ship away, bro?"
Spock is ecstatic. "Jim!"

"Bones shot me with something to simulate death," laughs Kirk. "Something to help him breathe, my ass."
"What about T'Pring?" asks Bones.
"Meh, she was a bitch," shrugs Spock. "I ship myself with you guys."
Uhura interrupts over the comm to say that Starfleet has granted the E permission to go to Vulcan for as long as they need, as per T'Pau's request. T'Pau has a lot of clout with Starfleet.
"Better late than never?" asks Kirk. He calls Chekov to set a course for Altair VI, but the navigator is busy barfing.
"Are we not going to give Spock some shit for fangirling when he found out that you were alive?" Bones asks Kirk.
Spock brushes it off with, "I was just glad Starfleet didn't lose a good officer."
Wait, who... oh, he means Kirk.


So we didn't really get a Hmmm Moment this week, unless it was "always carry neural paralyzer hypos" or "sometimes arranged marriages suck". BUT we did get some cool character development with Spock, and our knowledge of Vulcan culture was enriched by quite a bit, so no complaints here.
Let's look at our costuming choices for the Vulcan guards:

I thought they were kind of flashy at first, but they're not too bad. A simple, structural tunic in silver, with a colored sash, black leggings, and ... sort-of sandals? Notice the helmets. The Romulans were wearing helmets as well. It's because the make-up involved with getting those damn ears on was such a pain in the ass. Putting on a helmet eliminates the need to craft more ears.

Then we have this dude, the executioner, who came to a wedding dressed as the Vulcan Bane. I really have no idea what that mask is about. Maybe he thinks it'll keep him from getting SARS or something.

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 1
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 1
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 0
Total crew deaths this season: 2
Total crew deaths thus far: 18


Can one say that a tea smells like a Chinese restaurant? I mean, you know that smell, right? Very lightly floral, a tiny bit sweet, but very fragrant? I want to say that it tastes like a Chinese food restaurant as well, but that makes less sense. It definitely made me hungry for Chinese food, anyway. This week, Roomie blended two green teas, both from Teavana: the Jasmine Oolong and Jeju Island Green. I really feel like, out of all teas, greens smell the best. This one did, anyway. And I'll be drinking this blend again. Maybe right now, while Roomie is asleep. DRINK ALL THE TEAS!