Production Number: 101
Air Order: 1
Original Air Date: October 12, 2012
We start out like every sitcom ever, with an establishing shot of the house. I don't hate the lead-in music.
On off-screen voice introduces us to the characters as they enter the scene:
Some douche-bro is trying to schmooze a ditzy cheerleader on the couch, and the tired old archetypes have already made me hate this series a few seconds in. He's Tyler, and thinks highly of his looks and charm, says the voice.
Will he grow up to accost a girl at a frat party, but will get off with a slap on the wrist because he's a white boy with a pretty smile? Highly likely.
At about the 30 second mark, some little she-beast coming storming downstairs, screaming about rules, and we're made to know by her portrayal that she's a shrew. She's mad because she made a sign-up sheet to use the living room today from 3-6 pm, and Tyler and his "study buddy" are about to infringe on her assigned time to discover the joys of the teenage STI.
The Voice says this is Avery, Tyler's stepsister, and if you hadn't already guessed, she likes rules. She tells Tyler that if he doesn't vacate the living room, she will tell everyone that he wears a wig, and she yanks on his hair.
"I'm not wearing a wig!" he yelps.
"I know, but that hurt, right?" She seems overly pleased with herself.
Asshole.
Through exposition, we learn that Avery's mother has been married to Tyler's father for about a year, and the kids hate one another. More jokes about the fact that Tyler intends to coast on his looks. More jokes that Avery thinks Tyler and his cheerleader friend are both dumbasses.
She finally relents and tries to compromise by saying she wants the living room on Tuesday, which is actually fair. But he interjects that he needs that space on Tuesday, because he somehow convinced the cheerleading squad to come over to film his new production of "Homeschool the Musical."
OMG, I love that movie, with its relatable toe-tapping ditties like "Can't Wait Until I'm 18 To Sneak Out And Get Vaccinated," or "I Think Jesus Is Just Okay But Don't Tell My Parents," and who can forget the show-stopping "Why Do All Homeschooling Stereotypes Either Involve Socially-Awkward Kids Or Ones That Read At A College Level in Kindergarten?"
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| She hears the ocean! |
He asks why she wants the room on Tuesday, and she reveals that her school's Tolerance Club is coming over to figure out how best to support the really pale kid at school who smells like pizza dough.
...seriously?
The cheerleader makes more dumb jokes. Is it because she's blonde? Can I shoot myself?
They argue about Avery posting a bathroom schedule.
The parents come in from the back patio, and the action switches to them. Mom Ellen says she knows that the dad (Bennett) wants to give it some time, but the kids have not stopped arguing since they got together, and she wants to intervene.
She's about to do it when Bennett puts a finger to her lips, and she gets in a joke that I actually like:
Bennett, don't... don't fucking do that. It's patronizing.
They go back out to the patio, and he mansplains child psychology to her, holding up a book to show her that he literally "wrote the book on child psychology."
Oh, fuck me.
No no no.
Ellen, why did you marry this asshole?
A third kid comes running out, and she's got long curly red hair, because of course she does. We're about to get another archetype: the craaaa-aazzzy redheaded kid. They always talk in exclamations and catch phrases, and people think they're funny and adorable, written that way in an effort to make the other kids look sane.
The Voice tells us that this is Chloe, Bennett's younger kid, and acknowledges that the children of child psychologists always come out a little underdone.
"She's okay," says The Voice.
"Daddy! A monster is chasing me!"
"I said okay, not great," the Voice points out.
What is this kid, six? "A monster is chasing me!" is a perfectly logical thing for a six-year-old to declare. Get off your high fucking horse, Voice.
Bennett gets down to Chloe's level, presumably to speak rationally to her, and instead roars in her face. She runs off screaming, and he makes up some bullshit about her not being afraid of monsters anymore.
Bennett then tells Ellen that he thinks that leaving Avery and Tyler alone to work out their own problem-solving is the key, and cringingly, I agree. But he does it in such a sanctimonious way that I want to disagree vehemently.
Bennett tells Ellen that he has a plan to "bring the kids together," but we're supposed to get the feeling that this plan is garbage, based on the fact that Chloe runs by screaming again.
So what is Bennett's big plan?
He got a dog. Without telling Ellen.
Nope, nope, nope. You never introduce a new animal into a home without talking to the other occupants, especially your partner.
Avery is stoked, as she's always wanted a dog, but was never allowed to have one.
Now is when we find out that The Voice is Stan the dog, a rescue from the local shelter.
Ellen reveals that she's more of a cat person, and Stan introduces her by saying he'll eat her slippers. Switching back from narration, Ellen asks Bennett why the fuck he didn't talk to her first, and he tells her that she wouldn't be so surprised if she'd read chapter nine in his book.
STFU, Bennett.
Fortunately, taking him down a peg is exactly what Ellen seems to be doing most of the time.
Stan introduces Bennett now as "a little full of himself."
A little? That's generous.
Anyway, the other half of Bennett's plan is that the kids all have to take care of the dog, or he's going back to the shelter, and now my rescuer Spidey Senses are tingling.
YOU DO NOT. ADOPT AN ANIMAL. FOR A CHILD. WITH THE STIPULATION. THAT IF THEY DON'T CARE FOR IT. YOU WILL TAKE IT BACK TO THE SHELTER.
You adopt an animal as a family, knowing that you, as the adult will probably take over more of the care and feeding of the animal as the novelty wears off.
Fuck you, Bennett.
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| Stop winking like you're clever. You're just an asshole. |
Tyler throws a ball for Stan and yells "fetch!" Chloe runs after it on all fours. The laugh track thinks that's hilarious.
We flash forward to some time in the future (who the fuck knows when), and Stan is sitting at a computer in the living room, typing while narrating, "and that's how the kids found out I can talk."
Oops! He says out loud that he isn't at that part in his blog yet, while hitting the backspace button. That's pretty clumsy writing, considering that the show we're watching is called "Dog With a Blog." No one is leaping to their feet and exclaiming "Holy shit! I thought I was watching Hannah Montana! Now I'm very surprised to learn that this dog not only talks, but writes a blog, too! Wow!"
And just to remind us that Stan is a dog... who writes a blog... he plays with a squeaky chew toy.
The sound guy hits the laugh track for the 33rd time since this episode began. (Not shitting you. We're five minutes in.)
Laugh track! Opening Credits Break!
Ugh, the opening sequence is a bunch of family photos being bombed by Stan, who is added in with awful CGI and Photoshop.
Sliding down the banister....
Stealing barbecue...
Hitting some kind of button on the television screen...
We when we return to the show, Stan is sitting at the island in the kitchen, on a chair. Ellen comes in and yells at him for eating her sandwich, which is a pretty fucking stupid moment for her.
You live with a dog now. He will eat your shit. Figure it out.
CGI has Stan roll his eyes.
Avery comes in and catches her, and Ellen then accuses Stan of taking five bucks from her purse. Whut?
"I have thumbs!" she threatens him, just before exiting the kitchen.
What is this, King Lear?
Avery decides that Stan is her new therapist, and laments that Tyler is still having the cheerleaders over today, and she can't cancel on the Tolerance Club, because, "don't let the name fool you - they are vicious!"
PREACH, sister.
Meanwhile, she's getting out dog food in preparation to feed Stan, and his inner monologue says that he wants to just ask her for the food, but he can't, because PROBLEMS.
There's a flashback to a previous owner being hauled away by what are clearly supposed to be mental health workers, while he screams that he's not crazy, and his dog can talk and "tell them that joke you told me!" But of course the joke here is that Stan couldn't talk just now because he had a mouth full of peanut butter.
The inner monologue has Stan promising to tell the family that he can talk, just as soon as he figures out when he can trust them.
Tyler comes in, saying he's willing to compromise on who gets the living room tonight, and the compromise is that she can sit in her room with the door closed, listening to him have a fun time downstairs.
Get fucked, Tyler.
They argue some more while Avery holds the dog food bowl, and Stan reminds himself to stay quiet. But it doesn't work.
"GIMME THE FUCKING FOOD ALREADY!"
The kids are shocked. There's a terrible sight gag here where we focus in on the clock above the door, and show that a whole hour has passed where the kids just stare at the dog.
"WTH?" demands Tyler.
"It's a freak thing," says Stan. "I don't know how I talk. I just do. I always have."
He excuses himself to go bark at the delivery guy who is bringing Bennett a package, then comes back. And we get another flashback, this time where a mad scientist exposits that he will take Stan apart to find out what makes him talk, and he will somehow become rich or some shit. Stan, strapped to the table, remembers that he is a dog, and chews his way through the straps. Last minute, he tells the scientist that he's taking his poodle, because they have a thing going.
Avery and Tyler tell Stan that they would never do anything to harm him, but they can't tell their parents. Chloe comes in (remember her?), and exclaims that Stan can talk!
The others try to convince her that she's dreaming and sleepwalking, and she replies "... okay."
Stan, voice of the audience, asks, "Are you shitting me? You're buying that?"
Nope.
She runs into the living room to tell her parents that "Stan can talk!"
Ellen praises her for having a good imagination. Bennett chides her for lying.
"Now go upstairs. There's a pony waiting for you up there."
She runs upstairs, excited, and Bennett tells Ellen that if she learns to associate lying with disappointment, she won't do it anymore.
Ellen, why did you marry this guy?
Once again, she brings the burn:
Upstairs, Avery and Tyler discuss with Stan how Chloe almost blew their cover. Avery hugs Stan too hard, and he leaves to pee.
What follows is a shitty manipulation scene. Avery has told Stan that she couldn't bear to live without him, and Tyler decides that this is the best way to get the living room for his cheerleader musical crapola - he'll tell his dad that Stan can talk and Chloe isn't crazy. She calls his bluff, and says she doesn't actually give a shit about Stan, and if they get rid of him, she'll just get a new dog. Eventually, they end up confessing that they're both lying and really like Stan, but because this is "wacky sitcom hijinks," guess who hears only the shitty part? Stan, of course.
He trots downstairs and encounters Chloe at the door, yelling at her that he's out of here, because no one in this family cares about one another and they're all just assholes.
Okay yeah, I agree.
As he exits, she yells out "In cartoons, talking animals are happy!"
Y'all.
Stop telling talking animals to smile, Chloe.
Warning: bullshit tropey film noir scene coming.
Stan, now a lost dog, walks the means streets of Pasadena (lol), complaining in voice-over about how awful humanity is, and that family in particular, while lonely sax music plays in the background.
Chloe tells Avery and Tyler that Stan ran away, then runs out of the room to demonstrate Stan leaving.
*sigh* I'm not going to blame the child actor. She didn't write this shit.
Avery is immediately upset, and she and Tyler get into another shouting match. She accuses him of never acting like a brother to her.
This is the part of the show where I pull Avery into a big hug and stroke her hair patronizingly, and tell her that that's not how blended families work. Instead, you tell your own parent what shitty thing your new stepsibling said or did, in an effort to get them into trouble. The endgame is to break up the marriage. Getting your "real parents" back together is optional, depending on whether your other parent is okay, an asshole, in jail, or dead.
Anyway, Avery flings herself dramatically on the bed to cry tears that the actor isn't able to conjure, and Tyler comforts her, suggesting maybe Bennett might leave the bathroom where he is smelling his own farts, to drive them around looking for the dog.
She points out that Bennett said they can't keep Stan if they can't take care of him.
Tyler says they should find a dog who looks like Stan, and teach him how to talk.
"We have to find him ourselves," Avery corrects.
"Okay, if you wanna do it the hard way," he replies.
The actor didn't write this shit. The actor didn't write this shit.
They come to the conclusion that they need to check the animal shelter.
They go down to the shelter (I guess calling never crossed their minds?).
Stan's narration introduces the shelter worker.
This joke is... okay.
Glen tells them he can't release Stan (who is apparently there already) until an adult pays for the $500 in damages he did.
Then we get a flashback of Stan strolling up on a pen of poodles up for adoption.
I shit you not, he somehow has a welding set, and cuts the lock off this way.
The poodles run out.
He protests that he is adopting them.
The poodles belonged to the shelter.
A shelter would never house a bunch of strange dogs together in a pen outside. Overnight. Also, no shelter has a "you break it, you bought it" policy. Bad show, bad. *smacks show with rolled-up newspaper*
Avery asks if she can leave some things for Stan - a chew toy, and a bottle of bacon-flavored spray, things I wouldn't mention unless they were coming back to feature in the plot. Glen tells her no, gives them a business card with the shelter's number, and tells them to have their parents call and arrange payment. Then he leaves the counter, because the plot says he needs to. So the kids can sneak into the shelter, which you saw coming a mile away.
Avery balks at sneaking into the back, because the script says she's uptight about rules, but she gives in and follows.
They go in, and behold! Stan is in a stand-alone pen right up front, no need to waste precious sitcom seconds where they frantically search for the dog.
The dog who is wearing a collar with an ID tag.
And a phone number.
Did the shelter call Bennett and Ellen to let them know they had picked up their dog? Nope.
Stan is salty. Avery apologizes and tries to convince him that they didn't mean what they said. He tells her to fuck off. She offers him a treat, and he immediately changes his tune.
They're all excited to go home, then Avery remembers that it's Tuesday, and holy shit, wasn't her Tolerance Club coming over? And oh, noes! What about the cheerleaders?!
(Okay, one point given for that plot twist, as it were. One expects this crummy sitcom to use the Tolerance Club vs Cheerleaders conflict to just be used as a reason for arguing, one that will never be seen on screen. Here, it is a bigger part of the story. Good job, Show.)
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| I can't shake the feeling that this living room set is a reuse from the one from "Two And A Half Men." |
Oh, wait. It's all for a sight gag and lousy physical comedy. Point revoked.
Bennett whispers to Ellen that teens often have trouble in social situations (not in this case), and they should break the ice by dancing to rave music that he finds on his phone.
No.
NO.
Tyler texts a cheerleader to call off their thing while she watches his parents dance like Elaine Benes. Then he gives his phone and the business card to Stan and tells him to call Glen, the shelter worker.
That's not awful, show. Partial credit.
Stan calls Glen, and then stupidly, pretends to be Glen's boss.
Glen, who has presumably talked to his own boss once or twice, tells Stan to bite his ass.
Tyler reaches around Glen and hits some button marked "cage release," because a button that opens all of the cages at the animal shelter is definitely something that exists. Animal shelters are rolling in dough and can absolutely afford an electronic system of that nature. One that allows all of the cages to open simultaneously, freeing all of the animals at once.
Tyler pats Glen on the back and says they'll be taking their dog now. Glen whips around to face them. Avery sprays him down with that bacon-flavored spray crap, and when they run, they're followed by a stampede of dogs, who all target Glen.
The kids declare themselves home-free and try to leave with Stan, but Bennett and Ellen walk in to bust them.
Um, where is Chloe?
At home, it is revealed that the cheerleader read out Tyler's text about getting his dog from the shelter, and the parents are disappointed. Ellen suggests that they sell Stan as punishment, and oh look! She has 1000 fliers, ready to go!
Tyler interjects that Avery loves Stan, and they can't do that.
Avery smiles and thanks him for sticking up for her.
"It's about time I started acting like a brother," he says.
VOM.
They hug. The parents get in on that hot family hug action.
"We should find Chloe!" says Bennett.
But Chloe has magically appeared from nowhere to announce that she is already in the middle of the hug.
Hooray! Everyone is laughing and happy and all problems have been solved in 30 minutes or less, like it's a fucking pizza delivery. Then Stan jumps into Bennett's arms, and there is more laughing.
I throw up on my roommate's laptop.
More voice-over from Stan, who is drawing his blog post to a finish with a photo of his new family and writing about togetherness or some shit.
I wonder how long he has been writing his blog. Did he have access to Glen's computer?
He switches over from blogging to dog porn.
Ellen walks through to the kitchen. Then she realizes that she walked past Stan blogging, and leaves the kitchen to check. Stan is now lying on the rug, supposedly asleep.
She notices the doggy porn, assumes her husband is shopping for another dog, and goes upstairs to yell at him.
During the closing credits, we see the family gathered around, trying to get Stan to bark "I love you" on camera. He gives them a crappy version, and Ellen exclaims that Chloe was right, and Stan can talk!
"Hey, where is Chloe?"
Both parents confess that they didn't get that stupid pony, and Avery and Tyler look at Stan.
They give him the old "Oh (goofy character)! You're so quirky!" smiles.
FML.
Sooo, this is crap. Like, can we stop pretending that this is a review of a show, and just admit that it's a review of an electronic nanny? I mean, I get it: parents want something safe to plop their kids in front of for a little while, one that they won't have to pre-screen, and Disney Channel basically makes a bunch of G-rated shows that pretty much all fit into that category. But they're all the same. Formulaic. I actually started a chart at one point trying to prove that all Disney Channel Original Programming shows are actually the same show.
This one checks a lot of the boxes that I had on that list:
Zany red-headed kid who talks in exclamation points: check
Siblings that fight about stupid shit but always end up hugging it out: check
Unusual pet: yep
Sci-fi/fantasy element: yup
Supportive parents and adults: of course
So let's talk about the characters.
Avery is made to be awful sometimes - bossy, uptight, and a real stickler for rules. But she has to be likable to the audience, so they soften her edges. Want to get a laugh? Play up her bossy characteristics. Want your audience to feel for her? Give her a soft side, where she always wanted a dog, and just lurves him sooooo much.
Tyler is a dude-bro. We've all seen how those guys turn out. Popped collars, smirks on mug shots. "It was just a joke!" Supposedly, further along in the show, he discovers that he has a hidden talent for math, so maybe that redeems him a little. It certainly didn't help him out by having him make a "Barbie sez math is hard!" joke in this episode.
Chloe: the youngest kid, with the long red curls and the sassy attitude. Chloe... was set dressing here. She would appear onscreen, exuberantly shout two lines at the other actors, then disappear dramatically. Maybe she appears more in later episodes. Maybe her actor is allowed to grow and expand her craft. Maybe Chloe becomes more irritating the more prevalent she becomes. I have no idea. I only remember vaguely seeing other episodes and noticing this red comet zooming in and out of scenes, spouting off her lines, and being zaaaaany. I'm left with the feeling that she has no relationship to anyone in the house, except her father, who will be the source of her later-life drinking problem.
Bennett (the dad) is insufferable. He's patronizing to his wife, and I honestly am at a loss as to why she married him in the first place. The show didn't say how they found themselves as single parents, but if it was through divorce on his side, I can see why. And Ellen should have seen it as well.
Ellen (the mom): I remember her most in those handfuls of scenes I caught of this show over the years. And what did I remember? That Chloe's zaniness must have been contagious, because Ellen started coming off as what happens when you marry a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. "Unstable in a fun mom way, lawls!" At least she tells off Bennett a bunch of times in this episode.
Stan the dog: meh, boring. Was not impressed with his character, and not terribly sympathetic when he talked of just wanting to belong to a family. He only reads as interesting because he's a dog. Oddly, he feels to me like a canine version of Norm McDonald. The CGI on his mouth and facial expressions was pretty good and felt more seamless than the talking animal CGI I've seen in the past. But they had the dog actor pant when they wanted to do the CGI scenes - you can tell by the way his head moves, and it becomes distracting. Am also not fond of Stan's painted-on spots. He looks like the yellow dude from "Put Me In The Zoo."
Shit that doesn't ring true:
The older kids arguing worked, but Avery thinking that Tyler should treat her like his sister? Nope. And they all collectively call Ellen and Bennett "Mom and Dad." Having spent all of my teenage years and beyond as someone's stepdaughter/stepsister, this does not happen. Your biological parents get the names Mom and Dad, and you generally call your step-parent by their first name. Is it like that all of the time? No. But it happens enough that it stuck out like a sore thumb to me.
What the hell kind of schedules do these people have? The kids seem to go to school, but when? Avery presumably barges in on Tyler and the cheerleader at 3 pm, when she "reserved" the living room, so how long had they been home from school? Seems too early.
The parents seem to be home a lot as well. If Bennett is no a practicing psychologist and just an author currently, then I suppose he could make his own schedule or work from home. But what does Ellen do?
The establishing shot of the shelter show it as being nighttime, but again, the time frame the kids were arguing over was 3-6 pm, with their guests probably showing up at 3. Was it already dark at 3 pm? Why was it not dark at 3 pm in the first scene, when Tyler and the cheerleader were "studying"? What time is it in this universe?
The low-down: crap, crap, crap. Avoid like the plague. Don't even sit your kids in front of this. You don't want them developing nostalgic feelings for televised garbage.
Fun facts:
- Stan was originally played by a dog named Kuma, but was replaced by another dog named Mick after five episodes, after a dispute with Kuma's owner.
- Both dogs were painted to look a specific way.
- Bennett teaching Stan to bark "I love you" is in reference to an old viral YouTube video.
- The title is a play on the phrase "Man of the House."
- This episode was available for a free download on iTunes for a month.
- There were ten episodes of a "spin-off" that was not a spin-off, which were aired in 2014. Basically, they made an additional two-minute "variety show" called "Dogs Rule! Cats... Not So Much" which ran immediately after "Dog With A Blog" aired. It had an "America's Funniest Home Videos" format, where Stan would show two clips of dog videos, voice the dogs in the videos a la Bob Saget, try to crack jokes for an audience of obviously stuffed dogs, and then show a clip of a cat doing something less than graceful. Stan talks to his stuffed monkey Robert, and also a long-haired cat named Meghan, who is somehow the show's stage manager. I watched an episode. I will not get those two minutes of my life back.
- This episode was filmed during the first week of November 2011.
- This episode was simultaneously available for download on iTunes on the same date as the television premier.
- This episode aired after a Disney Channel Original Movie called "Girl vs. Monster."
- This episode premiered with 4.5 million viewers. It was one of the strongest premiers for a Disney Channel series in recent history.
- The first promo for this series aired about a month before the premier.
- These Fun Facts suck.
Number of times that we have to hear about Bennett being a writer: 4
To date: 4
Number of times that Avery bitches about rules: 3
To date: 3
Number of times that I wanted to hear Avery bitch about rules: 0
To date: Also zero
Number of times that Avery wears a tie to indicate that she's preppy and likes rules: 3
To date: 3. Four costume changes, and three involved ties.
Numbers of times that Tyler flips his hair: 3
To date: 3
Number of times that Ellen indicates that she doesn't like dogs: 6
To date: 6
Number of times that Bennett makes shitty child psychology remarks: 4
To date: 4
Number of times I wanted to punch him: Every time he opens his mouth
To date: same
Number of times that I had to listen to a fucking laugh track: 126
To date: 126
Amount of time that I wanted to turn this shit off: 21:16
To date: 21:16
Number of times that Chloe did something craaa-aazzy: 6
To date:
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| Rats make fucking great pets. |
