Season Two Overview

So I finally got one of those "make money while blogging" offers in my email, and I laughed out loud. It started out with "we noticed your blog." No, you didn't. You noticed that I write a blog, and that I get more than five readers a month. Then they went on to ask if I would review a product on this blog. Now, if ThinkGeek asked me to review say, a phaser keychain with light-up action and sound effects, I would consider it. If a tea company offered me a sampler pack, I'd think about that as well. But it wasn't either of those things. It was for weight-loss supplements, something that has nothing to do with the subject of this blog. Really, how was I supposed to even work that in? "Taking these weight-loss supplements will help you to look like one of Kirk's Old Friends"? Bitch, please.
In case you were wondering, no, I'm not being compensated for any part of this blog. I buy all of the tea myself. And frankly, if I was being compensated in some way, I'd let you know. I'm really big on transparency. Also, I will never take on a review where someone compensated me to specifically praise that product or service, regardless of how I actually felt about it. When you tell people that you're reviewing something, you have a responsibility to give them your honest opinion. You may not agree with my opinion on things, but I assure you that I will never When Harry Met Sally you.

*******

Now, let's get down to business!

Admit it: that's exactly how you finished that sentence.

Roomie admitted when I started season 2 that it was her favorite season. Then she back-peddled and restated that season 2 contains some of her favorite episodes. I've found that to be pretty accurate: this season had some really fantastic episodes. it also some that were just okay, and some that were downright shit. As such, I've categorized them into awards: Command Gold Star awards for the really great episodes, Red Shirts for the terrible ones, and then there are a handful of awards for miscellaneous stuff.

Amok Time: Here, we get to travel to Vulcan to see Spock's wedding. Some shit goes awry, and we end up watching an extended fight scene between Kirk and Spock instead. It also just occurred to me that that that fight scene was a metaphor for Spock's inner battles between his human and Vulcan halves. Holy shit, that's a great episode! What really gets me in Amok Time is that we get to see some character development from Spock, and some background information as well. The weapons used on Vulcan are bad-ass, and their clothing does not suck. What's more, we learn about how Vulcans view themselves and others in the galaxy. It's layered and rich. I like that. From this episode also came the Vulcan hand salute (invented by Leonard Nimoy) and the iconic Pon Farr music, which gets played for especially animalistic fight scenes in Star Trek.

A Piece of the Action: This one wins out of sheer entertainment. I admit, when I heard this episode described as "the one with the gangster planet", I groaned. It sounded stupid. While I still maintain that this premise would have worked better as an alternate universe rather than a copy-cat alien planet, I was willing to overlook it because this episode was fun. It gets more points for pointing out that Kirk is a super-shitty driver, and... well... Leonard Nimoy in a pinstripe suit and fedora. Sploosh.

Assignment: Earth: We ended the season fairly strong with this episode, which was the pitch for another show about an unseen benign alien race trying to help Earth reach it's full potential through planted humans trained in espionage. I loved this episode. It was both funny and serious, as it used current events to point out to the human audience how ridiculous their squabbles could be. It didn't have a lot to do with Star Trek, but that was okay, as it was interesting enough on it's own.

Journey to Babel: Another great Spock-centric episode, Babel allowed us to explore the struggles within Spock's family and again lets us see the universe through the eyes of a Vulcan. We also get to see Vulcan through the eyes of a human, as we are introduced to Amanda, Spock's human mother. I love the backstory of Spock and Sarek's relationship, that of Spock and Amanda, and especially that of Sarek and his wife, which I ship hard. Bonus points to this episode for trying to create less-humanoid aliens, and for creating the Vulcan kiss, which is charming as hell.

Metamorphosis: Kirk, Spock, Bones, and a female guest get marooned on a planet where they find a famous warp engineer who should have died a long time ago. This guy has become permanently 35 or so, and is kept company by an entity who turns out to be female, and in love with him. The entity then takes the body of the dying female guest, and he in turn learns to love her. This episode rather subtly dealt with LGBTQ issues, though I'm sure they weren't thinking along those lines when they wrote it. No, what this episode turned out to be was sci-fi at it's best, where real-world issues are explored through futuristic means, and one can easily apply them back to real life. There are also some really lovely moments between Scotty, Sulu and Uhura in this episode, always a bonus in my book.

Return to Tomorrow: In another episode that I foolishly judged by it's cover, Kirk, Spock and Diana Muldaur volunteer their bodies so that non-corporeal entities can build android bodies for themselves. In truth, I thought I would be far more annoyed by Diana Muldaur because she pisses me off so much in NextGen. Turns out, she was fantastic here. Leonard Nimoy, playing Spock as the morally iffy Henoch, knows just how much to dial up the creepy so that you kind of want to trust and distrust him at the same time. You're kind of okay with him, but he also makes you squirm. Then there's the love story between Sargon (housed in Kirk) and Thalassa (housed in Muldaur's Dr Mulhall): I totally bought it. It was played beautifully, and shockingly, I had to give props to two actors whose characters I really don't like otherwise. 

*******

And now, for the Red Shirt Awards. These episodes just need to die. And I've selected how.

The Apple: A computer-run planet where the computer has died or gone haywire or some shit. The inhabitants have never heard of sex or kissing, so of course the Enterprise crew introduces them to that. All hell breaks loose, but then Kirk assures them it's fine because sex is fun. Four Red deaths, breaking of the Prime Directive, Kirk kills "God", and I was bored the whole time. Let's go with Death by Native Peoples for this episode.

Catspaw: This is one of those episodes where people read my review and and said "Awww, you didn't like that one? I love that episode!" Catspaw is, quite simply, the Star Trek Halloween episode. The OT3 gets stuck on a planet with a spooky castle, a witch that turns into a cat, and some kind of hapless warlock. Cheesy effects (though some I did appreciate) throughout. One or two good jokes and sight gags. Points for trying to create non-humanoid aliens, though it was only kind of effective. One talking dog and one stoner shy of a Scooby Doo episode. Go jump in a boiling cauldron of acid, Catspaw.

The Gamesters of Triskelion: Kirk, Chekov and Uhura are kidnapped by non-corporeal entities, and trained by aliens to fight to the death, so that the entities will have something to wager on to fill their time. Chekov and Uhura finally get more lines, and it has to be in this crappy episode. The costumes are terrible, and Kirk does his "seduce-a-woman-for-my-own-gains" thing. Only this time it's obvious that Kirk has fucked this girl up in unimaginable ways, and she'll be stuck in therapy for it for years. The worst part is, she kind of thanks him for it at the end of the episode. Gamesters of Triskelion, I sentence you to an arena match with Vulcans whose blood boils from Pon Farr. You get no weapons and must wear a loincloth and Barbarella boots.

The Omega Glory: This episode, written by Gene Rod, was one of three considered as the secondary pilot for Star Trek (the others were Mudd's Women and of course, Where No Man Has Gone Before). I'm glad they selected No Man for the pilot. Mudd's Women was pretty okay. This one should have been scrapped. It starts out promising, with yet another Starfleet commanding officer going rogue on some Prime Directive planet, this time because the guy thinks that the people are immortal, and he can bottle and sell it. Then it goes on this fucked-up tangent about how the two indigenous peoples on this planet are actually Yanks and Communists, and when the Commies won the war, the Yanks went primitive. This was another story that would have made more sense as an AU, but they made it a different planet instead. It's heavy-handed, racist, badly written, and the first and second halves have nothing to do with each other.  Watching this episode made me want to bash my own brains in with a brick. I had to force myself to watch all the way to the end. A phaser shot to the chest for you, Omega Glory. Set to kill.

Wolf in the Fold: There's been some kind of accident, and now Scotty hates women (NO), so Kirk and Bones take him to a pleasure planet. Some women are stabbed to death and everyone blames Scotty, but it turns out that Jack the Ripper is some sort of long-lived alien (NO) who has continued murdering woman throughout the centuries (NO) and across the galaxy (NO), and he's the one who committed the murders that Scotty was accused of (NO). What's more, the guy hired to play Intergalactic Jack the Ripper is also obviously the guy who has voiced Piglet in all of the Winnie the Pooh cartoons (NO). Death by Stabbing, Wolf in the Fold.

*******

Award for Interesting Premise

Who Mourns for Adonais?: This episode, though just "okay" in my opinion, had a really interesting idea behind it. The idea put forth was, what if the ancient gods and goddesses of Rome and Greece were not mythological, but actually real aliens with unusual powers from another planet, and when they made landfall on Earth, the primitive shepherds and merchants declared them to be supernatural? Now, I feel like this premise sounds ridiculous when typed out, but I believe that good writing can save a crappy premise, and bad writing can kill a good one. This episode had okay writing, but the idea was actually pretty great. It was certainly better executed than Wolf in the Fold, which wanted us the believe that Jack the Ripper was an alien. One of these ideas makes sense. The other one is stupid. Also, Adonais gets points for having good costumes.

Awesome Guest Stars of Season Two

T'Pring of Amok Time: Spock's arranged-marriage fiance, she feels trapped by the fact that he is famous, will be gone from Vulcan for long stretches of time, and frankly, she's just not that into him. She's fallen for a guy named Stonn instead, so instead of getting married, she hatches a plan where she'll get to be with Stonn no matter what the outcome. The thing is, she'll completely screw over Spock by making him kill his best friend. When her explanation finally comes out, Spock admits that her plan was logical. Then he gives T'Pring and Stonn the Vulcan version of the finger. T'Pring's way of thinking has actually spawned a phrase in our house: when something is morally terrible, but logical at the same time, it is labelled as being "T'Pring evil."

Also, T'Pring is a fox.

Eleen of Friday's Child: Brilliantly played by Julie Newmar of Catwoman fame, Eleen (Eh-leh-en) is the gift-wife of the tribal leader (Te-air) on a planet run by men. She's also stuck carrying the baby of a husband she doesn't really like. When her husband is killed in a coup, Eleen follows the OT3 up into the hills to escape her own death at the hands of the new Teer. She barks at Kirk and Spock, and gets into a slap-fight with Bones. She finally decides that she likes Bones, and allows him to assist in her giving birth. Waiting until he's asleep, she bashes him on the head with a rock and takes off, encountering the rest of the tribesmen, and a Klingon who has been mucking about on this planet, hoping to secure mining rights. In charge of her own destiny, Eleen declares that she will commit suicide in her own tent rather than be killed by the new Teer. She then pretty much spits in the face of the Klingon. Eleen is not your typical Star Trek damsel, and she takes no shit whatsoever. When the dust clears, her kid is named Teer, and Eleen is named regent. She then gives the Federation mining rights. Eleen: a feminist in a patriarchy. Fuck yeah.

Isis from Assignment: Earth: Gary Seven's shape-shifting cat companion, Isis assisted in his attempt to sabotage a missile for the benefit of mankind. In her cat form, she appeared on-screen in almost every scene. But she only got two shots in her human form, for a total of less than ten seconds. Mysterious and beautiful, who is Isis? Alas, we will never know. Her show was not picked up. *sigh*

Dr Richard Daystrom from The Ultimate Computer: Just in case you're thinking that this list is only comprised of bombshells, I've slipped the lone guy into the middle. Featured on an okay episode with a crappy title, Dr Daystrom is the genius behind the computer systems that run the Enterprise, and now, he has a new computer that thinks like a man. It sounds pretty simple, but the part of Daystrom is actually fairly complicated, as he's fighting against his own early fame and trying prove that he's still a heavy-hitter. Daystrom is a fairly important guy in Star Trek canon, being the namesake of the Daystrom Institute, later mentioned in Trek spin-offs. It was probably an extra slap in the face to the censors to make this important, well-respected man a big black dude. Good on ya, Star Trek.

Marlena Moreau from Mirror, Mirror: Being from the Mirror Universe, Marlena has some questionable morals, but she still managed to bring it in the end. The Captain's Woman, she is working her way through the ranks until she finds a comfortable spot. This is actually pretty admirable in a universe where one usually progresses through murder. It seems that at some point, she figured out that she could get what she wanted through seduction. However, she's clearly not adverse to that sort of thing, as she begins "eliminating" crew members that get in the way of non-Mirror Kirk and his quest to get back to his own universe. She asks him to take her with him, but he insists that she can do more good with Mirror Spock and Kirk than with him.

Amanda from Journey to Babel: As the wife of Sarek and the mother of Spock, it would have been a crime to make this woman boring. Awesomely, she is not. She constantly walks that fine line between being human and understanding Vulcans, but questions it all the same. Amanda manages to be both smart enough for her husband, but endearing enough to everyone else. I love this woman. She slaps Spock for being bull-headed and rages at Sarek for the same. And at the end of the day, you know she's crazy about both.

And now, some of my favorite screenshots from Season Two...

This was a beautiful shot from Metamorphosis, where the Companion, in her new human form, holds a scarf in front of Zefram Cochrane, in order to see him as she did when she was composed of a fine mist. It's a really lovely bridge between her previous form and her new form, and a nice way to talk about it without actually talking about it. It's subtle.

Sometimes you pause the episode at just the right moment, and even though you didn't intend to use that point as a screencapture, it's awesome enough to include. Here is Kirk choking in Gamesters of Triskelion. *snort*

This shot of Diana Muldaur's Dr Mulhall reacting to Kirk hitting on her was made it so easy for me to like her in TOS:

And now, my favorite screencapture of all time. I actually considered having this printed on a mouse pad. It's Spock getting a chest full of poisoned flower darts in The Apple.

So that's it for season two. I'm told that season three is not only super-shitty, but a Red blood-bath. Let's end with our death count, shall we?

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 20
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 27
Total crew deaths thus far: 44

Season 2, Episode 34 "Amok Time"

"Amok Time"
Production Number: 34
Air Order: 30
Stardate: 3372.7
Original Air Date: September 15, 1967

I feel like the title for this episode should come with an exclamation point: "Hey kids, it's Amok Time! Hooray, time to go amok!" Of course, my mind swiftly follows that thought with one of Sarah Jessica Parker jumping up and down singing "amok, amok, amok, amok..."

It was in searching for this image that I realized that not one person
on the internet knows how to spell the word "amok". My inner
grammar nerd wants to smack a bitch.

*******

We start out casually this week, with Bones catching Kirk as he climbs out of a Jeffries tube.

"Spock is PMSing," says Bones. "He won't eat, and he won't come in for a physical."

Kirk brushes it off with, "Vulcans are weird."

Christine comes by with a tray of plomeek soup for Spock, and when the boys give her shit about it, she trips over her own tongue, mumbling about finding something that Spock might eat. I guess this is supposed to be a continuation of her "confession" from The Naked Now. I still don't ship that.

Unfortunately, when she tries to give it to him, she runs from his quarters as the soup hits the wall.

"Bitch, did I say I was hungry?" he roars. Seeing Kirk, he snaps, "Your ass is dropping me on Vulcan on the way to wherever the hell we're going."

Kirk and Spock are arguing in Spock's quarters after the credit break. Spock is being super-bitchy, and Kirk is throwing fuel on the fire by yelling back.

"Why do you need a vacation now?" he demands. "You've never taken one before."

Sounds like a good enough reason right there. Just give the man his damn leave.

"Just because," says Spock tersely. He's grasping a shiv behind his back.

"Yeah, okay," says Kirk finally. And when he leans over to call the helm to get them to head for Vulcan, Kirk notices the knife.

Spock thanks Kirk as the captain leaves, then turns to his creepy display of serial killer weapons and weird statues.

Kirk's Log 3372.7: "Spock needs Midol, or whatever it is that Vulcans take. Vidol? Anyway, we're taking him home."

No go, actually. A message comes in on the bridge that the inauguration ceremony that they were headed for on Altair VI has been pushed up by a week.

"We won't have time to go to Vulcan first," says Chekov.

"Ah, well," says Kirk. "We can go to Vulcan later. Sucks to be you, Spock."

"That does suck," Spock replies.

Kirk is lying in bed later when he calls the helm to ask Chekov how late they will be in getting to Altair VI if they divert to Vulcan to drop off Spock.
"Dude, we're already going to Vulcan," Chekov replies. "Spock made it so."
Kirk redirects them back to Altair VI, and fetches Spock from the bridge, dragging him into the lift. "WTF? Why did you change my order?"
Spock is confused. "I don't remember giving that order, but if you say so..."

Kirk orders him to report to sick bay. When he gets off the lift, Spock meanders through the halls until he reaches sick bay, where McCoy is ready to examine him. Spock tries to play semantics ("I reported to sick bay, now I'm going back to my room"), but Bones shuts him down with logic, so Spock gets on the exam table.

There's a fun scene in here where Sulu and Chekov bitch about the back and forth of their journey. Chekov thinks he might get space sick. It makes me wonder what kind of barf bags they have on the Enterprise. Are they Red? Shiny? Furry? Draped in fabric? Torn in a sexy way, revealing barf bag nipples?

Bones rushes into Kirk's room and announces that if Spock doesn't get back to Vulcan within a week, he'll die.

Dramatic music! Then The Shat employs one of his world-famous pauses. "Why................... must he die?"

I mean, dude is known for these pauses. There's even a game one can play called "Shatnering", where someone calls out "Shatner!", and you have to immediately overact whatever it is you're doing. But this pause is astronomical. You know what happened during that pause? Spock died. Also, Rome was built. And Europe had time to re-populate after the Black Plague.

So Kirk asks Bones why Spock will die and (years later) Bones replies that he doesn't know, that Spock has a weird imbalance, and is aware of what is causing it, but that he won't tell anyone. Kirk rushes to Spock's quarters.

Spock tells Kirk that it's none of his business, and Kirk swears to keep his mouth shut. Spock tries to dance around a conversation about birds and bees and eagles and salmon, and I have to appreciate the skill of these two actors, because this scene is more awkward than a British sitcom. Spock finally reveals that he has to take a wife and mate with her or he'll die. Kirk pinky-swears to keep the secret and leaves.

For a guy who has as much sex as has been implied, Kirk is sure
squidgy talking about it.

On the bridge, Chekov looks at Sulu and says "This job, dude. Dude, this job." Uhura attempts to call Spock with ship's business, and he crushes the communicator screen. In sick bay, Kirk tries to convince Starfleet command to let them go to Vulcan before going to Altair VI. The admiral he speaks with tells him that it's an important diplomatic mission, and that they're not going to Vulcan. Kirk turns off the monitor.

"Fuck that noise," he tells Bones. "Two other ships are going to Altair. We won't be missed. Pack your sunscreen, dude. We're going to Vulcan."

Overhearing, Christine runs to Spock's quarters to tell him the good news. He's in a weird mood, just getting out of bed, and he says that he was just dreaming that she had something to tell him, but that he couldn't hear her. Then he says that it would be illogical for them to protest against their natures. She cries. he asks her to make him more plomeek soup. Overjoyed, she agrees, and runs off as semi-creepy bass music plays.

No, seriously: who ships this?

Kirk, Bones and Spock get into the lift, and Spock asks his boyfriends if they will both be best man. They agree and hop off the lift at the bridge. The E is orbiting Vulcan, and they've been acknowledged by the planet. The screen comes on, revealing a female that Spock calls T'Pring. They exchange ritualistic greetings of "Parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched." The first half of that sentiment is alright, but the second part is kind of creepy. They agree to meet at a pre-determined place, and T'Pring signs off.

"Who was that?" asks Uhura.

"Um, my wife," says Spock, and Kirk and Bones give him their best WTF faces. Christine does too, because remember, the writer of this episode ships that. We don't see Uhura's reaction, because who cares if Spock-Uhura is slightly more canon?

"Dude, you got married, and you didn't even let me throw you
a stag party with Vulcan strippers? Come on, pointy ears and
shapely rears!"

The OT3 beams down to the surface, and I guess the Vulcan Mardi Gras just occurred, because there's glitter all over the ground. They go inside a sort of smallish outdoor arena, and Kirk explains to Bones that in the distant past, Vulcans would fight for and win mates. Their word for "marriage" also means "challenge". (I feel like it means the same thing in English, too.) The Vulcans kind of lose their minds a bit, take a mate, and then everything goes back to normal. Bones surmises that the Pon Farr madness may be the price they pay for being emotionless most of the time.

Okay, I have to ask: if Spock knew this was coming, why did he not prepare better? Could he not have alerted Kirk that he needed leave ahead of time? Does he not own a calendar?

Anyway, Spock rings a gong to start the ceremony. He tells Kirk and Bones that his parents arranged his marriage when he and T'Pring were 7 years old. They did a little mind-meld thing.

The wedding party comes in with T'Pring and a tiny old woman on a litter.

"Holy shit," says Kirk. "That's T'Pau, the only person who has ever refused to sit on the Federation council. If you look up Vulcan in the dictionary tapes, there's a picture of her. Spock must be hella important if she's here." 

Not gonna lie, you guys. T'Pau totally looks like Rita Repulsa from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Also, T'Pring is a fox. Kirk would totally bang her if she wasn't engaged to his friend. Cuz that's the kind of stand-up guy Kirk is: "I like you so much, I won't sleep with your fiance."

Admit it. You would hit on her, too.

Spock greets T'Pau with the Vulcan hand gesture, which I think may be the first time that we see that. Leonard Nimoy made it up - it's part of a traditional Jewish hand gesture. T'Pau makes it back at him, which is to say that the actress held up her taped fingers because she couldn't make that gesture on her own. Heh.

"The hell, Spock?" she asks. "You brought humans with you?"

"I'm allowed," he says sulkily, and introduces his friends.

Kirk is awed by T'Pau. She tells the humans that they are witnessing something special. T'Pau uses the pronouns "thee" and "thou". Incorrectly. Multiple times.

Spock attempts to ring the gong again to start the ceremony, but T'Pring stops him, choosing the Challenge. Spock retreats to the corner like a naughty kid, attempting to control his blood fever.

While T'Pau explains everything to Kirk and Bones, T'Pring keeps glancing at another Vulcan dude. She readily accepts that she will become property of the victor. But when she goes to select a champion, she chooses Kirk instead.

The other Vulcan is pissed, but T'pring has made her choice. T'Pau says that kirk is allowed to leave because he doesn't practice their belief system, and this is another one of those moments when it becomes obvious that the people who make this show are Jewish. Go, Judaism!

Kirk decides to stay.

Had to grab this screenshot. Spock is supposed to be off to the side,
deep in his blood fever, but instead the camera caught him hanging out
next to the wall, herpaderp, waiting for his next cue.

Spock objects because Kirk doesn't know their ways. He's kind of growling his lines now. T'Pau insults him by questioning his Vulcanhood. She says that Kirk and Spock will fight, but she once again offers Kirk the option of backing out. Bones tries to talk Kirk out of it, saying that the heat and thin air will do him in.

"No way," says Kirk. "I'll let him knock me out, he can get the girl, and all will be well. Besides, I don't want to look like a little bitch in front of T'Pau." Careful, dude. If you admire her too much, she'll guest-star again on another episode as a villain.

Kirk accepts, and the guards bring out the weapons, a pair of Vulcan lirpa. Oh, my holy fuck. Have you seen this weapon? It's like a farming tool mated with a writing implement and had a beautiful, deadly baby. Fuck decorative swords. I want a pair of crossed lirpa hanging over my fireplace.

"Beeteedubs," says T'Pau, "this fight is to the death."

So much for your grand plan, Kirk. Maybe you should have asked that question first.

The fight starts, and right away Kirk takes a swipe to the chest from the sharp end of that lirpa. Welcome back, Ripped-Shirt Kirk! It's been a while.

Kirk and Spock move around the arena, making slicing movements with one side of the lirpa, and blunt-force strikes with the other. Jeebus. Both ends of this thing are the business end. The pair seems evenly matched, and when both lirpas are out of commission, T'Pau calls a time out. Bones calls bullshit on the fight, saying Kirk can't breathe in the thin air.

"Too bad," says T'Pau.

"Can I give him a hypo so he can breathe easier?" he asks.

"Cool," she grants.

So Bones hypos Kirk, and the new weapon is brought out, the ahn-woon. It's like a rope with two heavy balls on the ends.

Kirk has just enough time to make a "how the fuck do I use this?" face before Spock lassos his ass, and it's on again. There's more hand to hand combat, and Spock succeeds in choking Kirk with the ahn-woon. Bones rushes forward and pronounces Kirk dead.

"You're dead, Jim."

Bones calls Uhura for a beam-up, then turns to Spock. "You're in charge now, asshole. Orders?"

"We need to go to the nearest starbase so I can turn myself in for killing my CO," says Spock, who seems less murdery now.

Kirk and Bones beam up.

"T'Pring," says Spock, "what the fuck?"

"There's this other dude, Stonn," sys T'pring. She means the dude with the ears, which is saying something on Vulcan. "I wanted him, and I didn't want you, because you had become kind of a legend. If you fought Kirk and he won, he wouldn't want me. If you fought, and you won, then you would divorce me for choosing Challenge. If you won and didn't divorce me, then you would be gone all the time on your ship, and I could fool around behind your back. In all of those scenarios, I still get Stonn."

Oh T'Pring, you clever girl. That's kind of evil, but still logical. I'm sorting you into Slytherin. Good job.

"That makes sense," nods Spock. Then he gives T'Pring and Stonn the polite Vulcan version of "Well, you're stuck with each other now, so fuck you both", and he goes to T'Pau, who gives him a Live Long and Prosper.

"Yeah, fuck you guys," he replies. "You made me kill my friend. You can all bite me."

He beams up.

"No, T'Pau. I really do NOT want a high five right now."

On board the E, Spock makes his way back down to sick bay, where he tells Bones that he will be putting Scotty in charge. 

Kirk walks up behind him. "You giving my ship away, bro?"

Spock is ecstatic. "Jim!"

"Bones shot me with something to simulate death," laughs Kirk. "Something to help him breathe, my ass."

"What about T'Pring?" asks Bones.

"Meh, she was a bitch," shrugs Spock. "I ship myself with you guys."

Uhura interrupts over the comm to say that Starfleet has granted the E permission to go to Vulcan for as long as they need, as per T'Pau's request. T'Pau has a lot of clout with Starfleet.

"Better late than never?" asks Kirk. He calls Chekov to set a course for Altair VI, but the navigator is busy barfing.

"Are we not going to give Spock some shit for fangirling when he found out that you were alive?" Bones asks Kirk.

Spock brushes it off with, "I was just glad Starfleet didn't lose a good officer."

Wait, who... oh, he means Kirk.

*******

So we didn't really get a Hmmm Moment this week, unless it was "always carry neural paralyzer hypos" or "sometimes arranged marriages suck". BUT we did get some cool character development with Spock, and our knowledge of Vulcan culture was enriched by quite a bit, so no complaints here.

Let's look at our costuming choices for the Vulcan guards:

I thought they were kind of flashy at first, but they're not too bad. A simple, structural tunic in silver, with a colored sash, black leggings, and ... sort-of sandals? Notice the helmets. The Romulans were wearing helmets as well. It's because the make-up involved with getting those damn ears on was such a pain in the ass. Putting on a helmet eliminates the need to craft more ears.

Then we have this dude, the executioner, who came to a wedding dressed as the Vulcan Bane. I really have no idea what that mask is about. Maybe he thinks it'll keep him from getting SARS or something.

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 1
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 1
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 0
Total crew deaths this season: 2
Total crew deaths thus far: 18

*******

Can one say that a tea smells like a Chinese restaurant? I mean, you know that smell, right? Very lightly floral, a tiny bit sweet, but very fragrant? I want to say that it tastes like a Chinese food restaurant as well, but that makes less sense. It definitely made me hungry for Chinese food, anyway. This week, Roomie blended two green teas, both from Teavana: the Jasmine Oolong and Jeju Island Green. I really feel like, out of all teas, greens smell the best. This one did, anyway. And I'll be drinking this blend again. Maybe right now, while Roomie is asleep. DRINK ALL THE TEAS!

http://www.teavana.com/the-teas/oolong-teas/p/jasmine-oolong-tea

http://www.teavana.com/the-teas/green-teas/p/jeju-island-green-tea