Season 2, Episode 55 "Assignment: Earth"

"Assignment: Earth"
Production Number: 55
Air Order: 55
Stardate: Unknown
Original Air Date: March 29, 1968



You guys, guess what? Guesswhat, guesswhat, guesswhat? This is my favorite episode of season 2, and possibly of all time. Can you guess why? One of these reasons is... it features very little Kirk. Now, I'm sure that you've deduced that I'm not a fan of Kirk. I don't hate the guy, but I certainly find him to be an annoying douchebag. (An article I read about douchebags specifically named Kirk as being one, Picard as most definitely not, and Riker as trying, but not succeeding. I agree with all of these assessments.) The fact of the matter is, I cannot write this blog when I am having a bad day. I have literally had moments when I've said out loud, "I just can't deal with Kirk's bullshit today."

Anyway, this episode: it was actually created as a new show pitch by Gene Rod. But the network didn't pick it up, and woe be unto all of us, because I would have been glad to watch and review this show. It looked pretty good and the premise was interesting. Maybe they figured Gene Rod had enough to be going on with concerning his first show. (I'd like to apologize for any British-isms that slip in this week. I've been mainlining Sherlock and alternate speech patterns affect how I write. Be glad it was Sherlock and not The Color Purple - I thought in ebonics for weeks after finishing that book.)

*******

We start out this week with what is labeled as a Star Trek no-no in the writers' bible: we are orbiting Earth. (They apparently wanted to avoid Starfleet Academy, which would have been a costly set to build, and they wanted to keep things fresh and exciting by visiting other worlds instead. For bullshit concerning the partial breaking of this rule, please see The Omega Glory, Miri, A Piece of the Action,

 Bread and Circuses, Patterns of Force, ect.) It seems they are testing some new form of time travel, and it has put the Enterprise back in 20th-century Earth. Their assignment is to research how Earth survived some crises back in 1968, because apparently, historical documents didn't exist back then or something.

The ship rocks, the camera shakes, and Spock calls from the transporter room to say that they've accidentally disrupted someone's tractor beam. Why the hell he and Scotty are down there in the first place rather than on the bridge, I have no idea. But when he reveals to Kirk at later that someone is beaming aboard the E, it becomes much more apparent convenient. 

Spock tells Scotty that the transporter beam is coming from over a thousand light years away, and Scotty calls BS: that isn't possible. Kirk rushes down to see what's happening, and a well-dressed dude beams aboard with a hauspanther. Dramatic music and commercial break!

"Who the hell are you?" the dude demands. "How come you intercepted my beaming?"

Kirk quietly calls for security, then tells the dude "This is the starship USS Enterprise."

The cat meows, and the guy says, "I know, Isis," to her, but then he spots Spock, and there's more dramatic music! "You have a Vulcan. You're from the future. Beam me down to Earth now!"

"Nothing doing," says Kirk. "Tell us who the fuck you are."

"Okay. I'm Gary Seven. I'm from this period in Earth's history, but I've been living with aliens far out in space. They're concerned about the state of things right now, and they want Earth to survive, so they and I are helping," Seven admits.

"Maybe you're an alien, invading Earth from the future," suggests Kirk. He orders his Reds to lock Seven up.

A fight breaks out, but Kirk stuns Seven, and the dude is taken to sick bay to determine what species he is.

In the briefing room, Spock holds the cat Isis, and tells Kirk that cats are awesome. Hell yeah, they are! Then Kirk does something a bit different: he holds an all-ship briefing over the PA, broadcasting the conversation, and asking for different crew members at their stations to break in with information.

They hear from Chekov about how there doesn't appear to be a planet in the spot where Seven's beam originated, and from Scotty, who says that the beam was super-powerful. Spock tells Kirk that a bunch of shit is going down on Earth today: someone will be assassinated, an Asian superpower will be making it's move, and the US may be launching nuclear missiles at someone else. Apparently, this will lead to H-bombs in orbit around Earth. Sound like someone in this episode is about to save us from ourselves, because I sure as shit don't recall reading about this in any history book. Or maybe there was a cover-up.

Down in sick bay, Seven has awoken to find himself in a security holding. After sizing up the force field, he whips out a sonic screwdriver to both take out the field, and put the security Red to sleep.

Bones enters the briefing room to tell Kirk and Spock that Seven is human, but that he's in perfect condition. Kirk wonders if Seven is a human body hosting an alien, but they all glance up when the door opens and Isis slips out into the corridor. Then they go to red alert and the PA broadcasts that Seven has escaped.

Isis makes her way down to the transporter room, where Seven has used his sonic to put the Reds down for naps. He grabs her up, they hop on the transporter pad and beam away.

We get an exterior shot of a city now, and I think it might be stock footage they got somewhere, because no way could this show afford to hire a helicopter, nor could it afford to build a bunch of detailed models for one establishing shot.

Then we go straight into an office shot, panning across until we get to a wall panel that slides open to reveal a huge wall safe. The safe opens on it's own, there's a transporter beam sound, and Seven and Isis emerge from blue clouds. I don't know if this is all animation effects, or animation projected onto smoke-machine smoke, or what, but it's cool. That panning shot and the self-opening safe were cool, too.

A huge computer is revealed to be hidden behind a false bookcase, and Seven attempts to interact with it, asking the computer where two agents are. The computer gives him some shit because she/it doesn't recognize his name. Irritated, he describes the agents he is looking for and their mission: one male, one female; descendants of humans that were taken from Earth 6000 years earlier, been trained for this mission by those mysterious aliens that Seven works for, and they want to know why and how Earth technology has been progressing faster than terrans have been evolving. They also want to keep Earth from destroying itself.  The agents have been missing for three days and the computer doesn't know where they are.  He instructs her/it to run a search for them. 

In the meantime, how about a quick history lesson? How many humans did these aliens take 6000 years ago? Please tell me that it wasn't just two, and that the aliens have been breeding this whole time from inbred stock. Unless they're clones? Or very smart prehistoric humans who have had their lives expanded immensely? These are questions that probably would have been answered eventually if this show had been picked up, but as it wasn't, we don't get the luxury of knowing. Which sucks.

Upstairs, Scotty assures Kirk and Spock that he can figure out Seven beamed down, and can get them to within a certain distance of the beam-down point. Spock reminds Kirk that they can easily fuck up all of the shit if they don't follow the Prime Directive. Kirk says he knows, but he thinks Seven might be lying and considers it to be worth the risk.

Back in the office, the computer tells Seven that the US was supposed to launch nuclear missiles today, and it was the job of the agents to sabotage the missile. But the missile remains intact at this point, and it's about 90 minutes to launch time.

"Oh, fml," sighs Seven.

We cut to a shot outside, where Kirk and Spock are walking down the street in 20th-century clothing. I have two complaints about this shot:

1. Why, WHY must they always use a fucking beanie on Spock? As we saw in "A Piece of the Action", a stylish fedora covers those ears very nicely too, thank you.

2. Look what's behind our boys - that's right, it's that ugly-ass fur muff dress. Now, I've noticed this dress on various other aliens in group situations, and a command gold star to you, Budget, for reusing old costumes. But using it here insinuates that humans have terrible taste as well. Vomit.

Kirk and Spock have Scotty quietly, through the comm, direct them to Seven's beam-down point. In the office, Seven receives fake printed credentials from the computer so that he can complete the mission if the agents aren't found. Meanwhile, a young lady is attempting to get to work, and is probably late, based on her demeanor. Holy shit, you guys! It's Terri Garr! I love Terri Garr! Her acting isn't always top-notch, and she's been in some real crap, but she has the best WTF reactions to things. If you want a character to loudly declare that a situation is bullshit, you hire Terri Garr.

Only here she's a little slow on the uptake, as she's just arrived at the office, and has not called bullshit on that hideous outfit. It's as though she's dressed like that on purpose... We've got a small circus tent in orange and lavender, belted with a black velvet ribbon, and paired with white tights. Ugh. Just in case you can't see as well, she's wearing matching bowling shoes in orange and lavender, and her purse is this cube with color-coordinated circles on each side. I know this was the late sixties, but she actually spent money on shoes that will go with no other outfits that she owns? Or - God forbid - she actually owns other outfits that go with those shoes?

She takes off her jacket. Good Lord, it was a jacket! And she's got a blouse on underneath that's the exact same pattern! And holy shit! Those white tights have a pink stripe down the side. In talking to herself, we find out that her name is Roberta. Roberta, you deserve a raise and a day of shopping. No one should be forced to dress like a clown. I almost kind of miss the simplicity of that fucking fur muff dress in the wake of this mess.

Anyway, Seven comes out of the back office and assumes that she's 201, the female agent. He tells her that he's the supervisor and demands that she sit at the typewriter and write up a report about where she's been the last three days. Weirded out, she pulls up to the typewriter, and he pushes a button on the side. It begins typing everything she says. Roberta loses it and declares that she's leaving.

Seven sonics the door closed and requests that a cube on the desk tie into the computer. The cube tells Seven that Roberta is the secretary, hired by the agents. Seven asks Roberta what work the agents told her they were doing, and a confused Roberta tells them that they were doing research for a new encyclopedia. That's actually a pretty good cover. Who the hell would ask about something that tedious?

He tells her that they're actually doing undercover work for the CIA and he whips out his new CIA badge as proof. She agrees to stay. Isis comes out of the office and meows at him, to which he responds that he'll be right in. Seven is uncomfortable.

"It's... a trained cat, like a guard dog?"

Whatever, she buys it. He locks himself in the office with the cat. The computer has figured out where the agents are, and tells Seven that they were killed in a car crash two days earlier, near the base where they were going to sabotage the rocket. Seven briefly bitches about the outcome of this situation, and I don't blame him. All that planning and kidnapping prehistoric humans and training people, only to have the agents die in a car crash two days before the Big Event? That certainly does suck.

Kirk and Spock find the office and ring the doorbell. Seriously, there's a doorbell? For an office? Why? (It is later revealed that the "office" is an apartment. Why the hell would they rent an apartment instead of an actual office space? Is the rent cheaper? Did they figure they wouldn't have to declare their business dealings with the city if they worked out of an apartment? While I'm busy thinking of business zoning vs residential, it occurs to me that they it's probably an apartment because Spock and Kirk ringing the doorbell gives Seven ample time to hop in the safe before they come in. That's it. They made the story slightly more complicated for the sake of a sound effect. Lame.)

They let themselves in, but Roberta tells them that they have to leave. Hearing Kirk and Spock in the front office, Seven grabs Isis and heads for the safe-transporter thing. Roberta attempts to call the police, but Kirk and Spock grab her. In the struggle, she rips that awful fur beanie off of Spock's head and demands, "What are you?"

Seven beams to McKinley Rocket base with one hour left to disarm the rocket. Everyone on base seems fine with this new dude who is walking around with a cat.

In the meantime, the cops have shown up. Roberta lets them in as Kirk and Spock run into the inner office. Kirk requests a wide-range beam-up, but they get a transporter fuck-up instead, and Scotty beams up Kirk, Spock, and both cops.

There's a WTH? moment before Scotty beams the cops back. Roberta is extra surprised to see them materialize in the office.

Meanwhile, Seven has finally been stopped by a security guard. He tells the guard that he is with the NSA, and the guard picks up the phone to double-check. Isis attacks the guard, and Seven uses his sonic screwdriver to make the guard... I dunno, ridiculously happy? Anyway, he tells security that everything is cool, then sets the guard down to take a nap on the sidewalk. With 45 minutes left until launch, he and Isis climb into the trunk of the launch director's car.

On the E, Scotty shows Kirk and Spock shots of the launch site by bouncing beams off the Earth's satellites. They ask him to beam them down to the site so that they can find Seven.

The launch director pulls up the the rocket and he and two other official-looking guys disappear off-camera for a few seconds so that Seven can climb out of the car. Then they leave. How convenient that whole scene was. Nobody notices that a guy and a cat get into the elevator that goes to the top of the rocket.

The sleeping guard wakes up just as Kirk and Spock materializes nearby. He pulls a gun and -- oh, for fuck's sake. Are you kidding me, costume department? First a fuzzy beanie, and now this? Nothing says "Goin' fishin' right after my espionage" quite like a suit and a bucket hat.

So an intruder has been detected by launch control, but for whatever dumb reason, they have decided to go along with it anyway. Okaaaaay....

At the office, Roberta has discovered by accident the lever that opens the sliding door to the safe-transporter.

And Scotty, up top, is dicking around with the satellite feeds, looking for better and better pictures.

Seven has made it to the place on the rocket where he needs to be. This is actually a really cool shot. I think that tower in the background is actually the tower where he and the rocket are supposed to be, but points for trying. Either way, it's a good enough match of stock photo, steaming rocket and construction arm to make me believe that this guy is about to sabotage a missile.

The guard brings Spock and Kirk into the launch room rather than some kind of holding cell, and their comms are confiscated. I guess maybe they think that Kirk and Spock are the intruders, because the system is telling the launch director that everything is fine. Really? The system honestly isn't registering that there's a panel open near the top of the rocket? Seriously? I thought rockets were designed to self-report that kind of shit so years of work doesn't accidentally blow up on the launch pad.

Scotty, still messing with the sat-pics, sees Seven and Isis screwing around in one of the panels on the side of the rocket. He decides that he can save the day by beaming Seven back onto the Enterprise. But, wait! Roberta has figured out how to open the safe-transporter, and by messing with the controls while Scotty is beaming Seven away from the rocket, she manages to get Seven to beam back into the office.

Kirk's Log, supplemental: "Spock and I are in the mission control room, which is frankly the worst place to take suspected intruders, because we could probably do a lot of damage here if we wanted. We don't know where Seven is, and we don't know how to stop the launch, even though we're not really certain why we should. We can't tell these guys what we know, because they would never believe us, and because of the PD. But here's something that will blow your mind: how am I recording this? On what? Am I talking to myself? Is this whole thing just a figment of my imagination? Haha, suck on that, whydoncha?"

So the rocket launches, even though it's been altered, and no one has been alerted. Seven, back in the office, runs to the computer, and asks if he can still control it, even though his alterations had not be completed. The computer replies that he can still run the rocket manually. Roberta picks up the phone, but Seven severs the cord. He manages to get the rocket off-course, and arm the war-head.

Back at McKinley, the mission-control people are finally made aware that things are not going according to plan. Uhura contacts Scotty to tell him that she's picking up alarmed transmissions from some of the world's super-powers. Scotty decides to risk calling Kirk.

In the office, Roberta smacks Seven in the back of the head with some kind of metal brick or something. He falls to the floor, and she takes his sonic screwdriver. The thing is, Seven had not finished his sabotage, and now the rocket is falling back to Earth. It will probably explode on impact.

"Do as I say, or I'm gonna force you take a nap!"

Getting this news, the mission-control guys are too busy to notice Kirk and Spock dematerializing behind them. On the E, they ask Scotty to beam them into the office.

Seven tells Roberta his backstory, in the hopes that she will believe him and allow him to finish his job. The rocket has less than a minute to impact, and Kirk and Spock bust in. This sucks, because Roberta has decided to believe Seven. They're aiming phasers at Seven, but Roberta is aiming the screwdriver at Kirk. Seven takes the screwdriver and gives it to Kirk as a show of faith. Spock, who has tried to get the rocket under control, admits that he does not have the information needed to blow it up mid-flight. Kirk agrees to let Seven take over, with 30 seconds left to impact. Scotty calls to report that all of the other major players on Earth have notice the missile and are on retaliation alert. Seven successfully makes the rocket explode 104 miles above the Earth.

In the outer office, Seven is sitting next to the typewriter, dictating his report. Kirk and Spock are there, back in their Starfleet jammies, because apparently it was necessary to go back to the ship and change into a uniform that could get them into trouble if someone from the twentieth century saw them. No biggie. Seven has also changed clothes, so it is either a different day, or Roberta has worn the same outfit twice. Or, possibly, out of all of the people standing in front of that computer with the exploding missile, Roberta was the only one who didn't shit her pants.

Kirk and Seven good-naturedly argue about who was interfering with whom, and Roberta glances over at the couch.

"Hey!" Roberta stomps over to Seven. "Who the fuck is that?"

"That's my cat," replies Seven.

"What are your records going to say?" Seven asks Kirk.

"None of your beeswax," laughs Kirk.

"I think they'll say that you guys have some interesting experiences ahead," notes Spock, and they beam up to lighthearted music.

Sadly, Roberta and Seven do not have interesting experiences ahead, because someone decided to pass on this cool new show. Those someones are dicks. You should be angry with them. They deprived you of fun.

*ring*

America: Hello?

Cuba: America, what the fuck?

America: What?

Cuba: What the hell was that? Something just exploded in our airspace!

America: Um, it did?

Cuba: Yes! What the hell was it?

America:

America:

Cuba: Hello?

America: Fireworks.

Cuba: Wha- are you kidding me? Fireworks?

America: Yeah. You know me, I like things that explode. Fireworks, all the time. They're fun.

Cuba: Yeah, I don't think that's what that was.

America: You know what, I got my good friend Canada here. He can vouch for me.

Canada: ...um, hullo?

Cuba: Yeah, your friend America there says he set off fireworks in my airspace just now. Is that what it was, or is he lying to save his ass?

Canada:

Canada:

Canada: Soorry, I don't know what you guys are on aboot. Oh, look, hockey's on. Gotta go.

*click*

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 20
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 27
Total crew deaths thus far: 44

No deaths, but Seven's sonic screwdriver clearly has a nap setting. How terribly polite of him. I would love to be shot with a nap ray, thank you.

*******

Some stores have better tea selection than others. Yesterday I was in one of those stores that offers a wide range of brands and flavors, and it was maybe too many. Should I choose the ones with fruit, or the ones with spices? What sounded the most awesome? At the moment, it was Tazo Vanilla Caramel. It's cold outside, and something warm and spicy seemed like just the ticket. But clearly it was too many choices. I totally missed the fact that this tea is chai-based. Chai is not my favorite thing ever. I read the back of the package and it listed licorice root. It no longer sounded good. I was kind of sad, but I made a cup anyway. And I was pleasantly surprised. It's warm, and you know how chai is usually made with milk? Not necessary. The caramel is creamy enough on it's own. And the spice palette is nicely balanced, reminiscent of holiday treats. Do I taste the licorice? Yeah, it gives the tea a bit of a bite in the after-taste, but it isn't obnoxious. I bet this tea is good with sugar cookies.

http://www.tazo.com/Product/Detail/33

"Tag! You're it!"

Happy Voting Day!

It's election day in the US, and while I won't tattle on you if you opt out, I'm a firm believer in the idea that your right to bitch and moan is purchased with a ballot.

Also, Spock votes.

Also, I'd like to nominate Sulu as captain, because reasons.

Season 2, Episode 54 "The Omega Glory"

"The Omega Glory"
Production Number: 54
Air Order: 52
Stardate: Unknown
Original Air Date: March 1, 1968

It's November, y'all. November means several things: retail workers have made it halfway through the Holiday season; everything comes in "pumpkin spice" flavor/scent; it's No Shave November or Movember, both of which include facial hair. I can be a beard, but I cannot grow one. Therefore, my month-long participation turns to NaNoWriMo, which is National Novel Writing Month.
For those of you who are not involved in fandoms, or who just plain old haven't heard of this, NaNoWriMo is a movement which encourages people to write novels in the space of a month. You can sign up for workshops and be partnered with mentors and stuff, but a lot of people just participate casually, writing diligently to improve their skills. In this spirit, I'm writing this weeks' episode as an entry in Kirk's log rather than a straight review.
My apologies.

*******

"Captain's Log, stardate something-or-other, I don't really know. I haven't looked at a calendar today. Um, so this is the log entry for our trip to, and subsequent trouble on, Omega IV. This log will clearly show that I did nothing wrong, and in fact, went by the book at all times.

Okay, I did a few things on my own that weren't strictly on the up and up, but most things were by the book.

Okay, I did one thing by the book. But it was a good one!
Anyway.
Things started out okay. We were cruising along through space when we found ourselves approaching Omega IV. I don't recall what mission we were on then, but a lot of the time we don't really have a mission, and we're just kind of hanging out in space, so I guess it doesn't matter. So we come up on Omega IV, and even though nothing is strictly wrong, it feels weird, like when you're watching a film and everything is fine, but sinister music is playing for no reason that you can see? It was like that. Sulu reported that there was a Federation ship in orbit, the Exeter. Uhura tried to hail the ship, but they weren't answering. I knew that the Exeter had been patrolling in that sector six months earlier, but there was no reason to believe there was anything wrong. Sulu reported no damage to the ship. But when they failed to answer our hail, I knew I should go over there.

No damage to the ship, no reason for anyone to suspect trouble.
Clearly, both of these are good reasons to investigate.

Lots of people have gotten on my case about always going on away missions, and doing so at the drop of a hat, but I have a very good reason for doing so: I like away missions, and I'm the captain, so I'm allowed to go if I want to. Whiners always complain about how I leave my ship open to trouble by leaving and taking most of the senior staff, but they can suck it. I feel like going, so I'm gonna. I mean, really, what else could I have done in this situation? Continue to try to raise the Exeter? Scan the ship for life-forms? Send in someone who was not in charge of the ship and 429 other people? Where's the sense in that? It wastes time, and I hate wasting time when I could be jumping in and asking questions later.
I took Science Officer Spock, Bones Doctor McCoy, and this Red, Lt Galloway with me. We beamed into the engineering section of the Exeter.

There were no people in engineering, just uniforms scattered on the floor and draped over equipment. There were little piles of crystals with the uniforms, but nobody really thought much of it. Seems obvious now, but I guess we weren't focused on that. Dr McCoy scanned the uniforms while I got on the PA system and announced our arrival on the ship, asking if anyone was on board. No one answered back. Mr Spock called me back to say that he had not found anyone either, just empty uniforms, and Lt Galloway reported in by saying that all shuttlecraft were still on the ship. We went up to the bridge and found more uniforms and piles of crystals. McCoy scanned these too and discovered that the crystals were what was left of the human body when the water is removed.

Soylent Crystal Meth is people!

Oh - that might have been in bad taste. Sorry. Um, I offer my condolences to the families of the 400 men and women who served aboard the Exeter and who lost their lives in the line of duty. When they became crystal meth.

Okay, sorry again.

I had Spock play back the last log entry made on the ship. It was made by their ships' surgeon. He didn't look like he was in good shape. His last entry was clearly meant for people like us, who had come to investigate. He addressed us, telling us that we were dead men, and not to go back to our own ship, and to get "down there" where Captain Tracey was. Then he keeled over and the log ended. It was really a terrible entry. He didn't tell us how anyone died, or why we were dead men, or why we shouldn't go back to the Enterprise, and then he just died at the end of the log. Don't they teach good log entry protocol at the Academy anymore?

The surgeon suggested that we go "down there" to find Captain Tracey, so we beamed down. I suppose I could have called the Enterprise and asked for any background information the Federation has recorded on Omega IV, but that would have taken a few minutes that I didn't want to waste. I guess it sounds irresponsible to just beam down willy-nilly without finding out more about the situation, but I do it all the time, and how often does that get me into trouble? Fifty percent of the time? Sixty? It always turns out okay in the end.

When we beamed down we found ourselves in a village of sorts, and just about to witness a beheading. The villagers were all Asians, and the guy they were about to behead was a sort of white caveman. They had a white girl, too, in a skimpy outfit. Her boobs bounced nicely as she struggled.

Fortunately, the beheading was stopped when Ron Tracey showed up on the scene and noticed us. He greeted me, and we shook hands and then he ordered one of the Asians to lock up the "white savages." One of the Asians, Wu, pointed out to Tracey that we were carrying "fire boxes."

Tracey told us that the savages lived away from the Asians, but attacked frequently. Mr Spock asked Tracey how the Asians knew about phasers, and Tracey gave my boyfriend first officer the stink eye before continuing to talk about his experiences on Omega IV. It seems that Tracey and an away team had beamed down to the surface when their med-scanners revealed that the planet's people were in perfect health. The villagers (Kohms) were surprised to see them, as the crew's white skin made them look like the savages (Yangs). I guess Tracey has an all-white crew? I dunno. It was hard to tell race and skin color based on just those little piles of crystals. Anyway, he said he stayed behind when the away team beamed back up, but then he said that he got calls from the Exeter saying that the away team had contracted a disease on the surface that they then carried back to the ship. Everyone became infected and died. Tracey was also infected, as we were now as well. There's some sort of immunity that inhabitants get from living there that keeps them from dying. He said we couldn't leave, or the disease would kill us. I stifled a yawn. If I had a tribble for every time I was told that I was going to have to remain planet-side forever, I could start a fur-coat factory.

McCoy had a bunch of medical equipment beamed down so that he could take samples and see if he could work out a cure between himself and the Enterprise computer. He said that the infection that we all had resembled some infections that were developed by man in the 1990's during their biological warfare. Meanwhile, I started to wonder if Ron Tracey had violated the Prime Directive, which is the most important thing in Starfleet and which I would never ever personally break.

Spock suddenly burst into the room carrying a wounded Lt Galloway. They had been just outside the village when they had been ambushed by some Yangs, and Galloway had taken a lance to the chest. Galloway stated that he did not think it was possible to reason with the Yangs, as they seemed too savage. Spock reported that the Yangs did appear to be preparing for a huge attack, but that Tracey was lying about not interfering with this culture, as Spock had talked to several villagers who said that Tracey had driven off an attack the week before with his phaser. Spock also found the spent reserve packs from Tracey's phaser with the remains of some Yangs.

My senior officers and I discussed the ramifications of this, mostly that I would have to turn in Captain Tracey for violation of the Prime Directive. While it was no good arresting him on the planet's surface, I would probably have to confiscate his weapon and make Starfleet aware, which was what I was about to do when Tracey came in with his phaser out. Lt Galloway started to reach for his own phaser, but Tracey saw him, and vaporized him. I want it on record that I was not directly responsible for the death of this Red. Some of them, I was kinda-sorta responsible for, but this one was all Tracey.

Tracey had several Kohms with him, who then rushed in to take the rest of the phasers and my comm device. He then called the Enterprise and lied to Sulu about the situation. He said that sending a medical party down would be foolish. I tried to yell "Sulu!" at the comm, but Tracey closed it and knocked me out. How he did that, I'll never know. People aren't usually quick or skilled enough to get the drop on me. According to Mr Spock and Dr McCoy, the Kohms were then ordered to kill me if either of them tried to talk to Sulu. Tracey then called Sulu back and said that I was unconscious and delirious with sickness, but that everything was fine and he would be in touch. He's a devious bastard. My very excellent bridge crew has the entire conversation on info tapes as evidence.

Later, while I was lying on the floor by myself, I tried to trip the Kohm guard that Tracey had left behind. Unfortunately, Tracey caught me doing it, and sent the guard out so that we could talk. I want it on the books here that the first thing I said to him after finding out about his treason was to cite section 7, paragraph 4 at him, about how he needed to surrender himself to me. He acknowledged what I was doing, and we moved on. I asked him why he had done the things that he had done.

He then explained that he had discovered that no disease existed on this planet. He called Wu back in to tell me his age, which was revealed to be 462. Wu's father was over 1000 years old. I asked if McCoy could corroborate this, and Tracey said he wanted doctors researching the phenomena, so that a serum could be made and sold. He was after a sort of Fountain of Youth thing. He said that if we stayed alive to create the serum, we could be rich, and the Federation would send starships to pick us up. He also said that if we died before being able to bring a serum to market that it would be "a crime against humanity." This, my fellow officers, is what Captain Ronald Tracey feels is more important than the Prime Directive.

Now, my hands had been tied up this whole time, but of course I was able to work my way out of them. I'm afraid an altercation occurred, and oddly enough, I found myself beaten. I was taken to a small jail in the village. Dr McCoy and Mr Spock were already there, in one cell, while the other cell was taken up by the two white savages. Dr McCoy was released so that he could work on Tracey's serum. Tracey told Wu that they were going to start preparing for war with the Yangs, only this time, they would have a lot of "fire boxes." Tracey thought it would be funny to put me in the cell with the savages, and unfortunately, another fight broke out.

I was trying very hard not to hurt the savages, as an extension of the Prime Directive, but they were fairly intent on hurting me, so I feel like I can't be blamed for defending myself. At one point, I figured out that I could use the chick with the nice jugs as a shield, but that didn't last long. Spock was offering encouragement from the other cell, but I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not. The girl backed up to the door of the cell, just within range of Spock's arm, and he did that crazy Vulcan neck pinch thing that he does. She passed out, and the savage man cradled her on the floor. We were at an impasse, and the savages huddled in the corner under the window while I stood at the door and talked to Spock to keep me awake. I felt like I might be ambushed by the savages if I fell asleep. Spock thought that the bars in the windows were loose because the mortar had begun rotting away. He twisted one of the bars to get it free while he told me that he thought some biological warfare had taken place a long time ago, something to bring on that disease, and which had destroyed the white society and crumbled the yellow society. In responding back, I mentioned the word "freedom."

This piqued the interest of the savage man, who croaked that "freedom" was one of their "worship words." I replied that it was one of ours as well, and then I tried to loosen one of the bars as Spock had. I could totally have done it on my own, but I wanted a foster a good relationship with the savage man, so I allowed him to help me. When I asked him why he had not spoken before, he replied that he felt that we were on the side of the Kohms.

We got the bar out, and I turned to call to Spock that we would help him out as well, but when I did so, that savage bastard hit me in the back of the head with the bar, knocking me out. When I came to, Spock told me that I had been unconscious for 7 hours. The window was free of all of the bars and the savages were gone. I spotted some keys in the jail, climbed out through the window, went back in, and unlocked Spock's cell. (Though I am at a loss as to why Spock didn't free himself with those loose bars, and then come get me during the seven hours that I was unconscious.) We made our way back to the building where Dr McCoy was working and Spock performed the Vulcan neck pinch on the guard.

Dr McCoy told us what Spock had guessed as well, that there had been a war and a disease that had been unleashed, and over time, nature had built up immunities in the water, food and soil. If the away team from the Exeter had stayed a few more hours, they would have gotten the immunity as well. This meant that we were free to leave. I told Dr McCoy that Tracey's plans involved using these diseases and immunities to lengthen life, which he could make into a serum and sell, but the good doctor said that such a serum wouldn't work that way, as the long life of the inhabitants of this planet resulted in exposure to the illness and the immunities over time. Spock managed to repair the communication device enough that we could signal the Enterprise, but Tracey burst in again and vaporized it. Spock was standing too close at the time, and it knocked him out.

Spock needed medical attention, but Tracey yelled that we couldn't leave the surface or everyone on the Enterprise would die. I lost my temper and yelled back that we were all immunized and could leave whenever we wanted. He thought this meant that Dr McCoy had created a serum, but McCoy explained to him that the only reason these people were living longer was because they were supposed to on this planet, and there was nothing to make a magical serum from. Angry, Tracey yelled that he had killed thousands of savages for nothing and then ordered me outside by threatening to vaporize my first officer and ships' surgeon, which frankly, is a court-martial offense, if you ask me. He forced me to call my ship and request 10 phasers with 3 back-up packs for each.

Sulu and Uhura were smart enough to tell me that that wasn't possible without verification, that it was against regulation. Sulu said that he had volunteers ready to come to the surface if needed. I replied that everything was fine, and I closed the comm. Sulu and Uhura should get raises for thwarting a genocide using Starfleet regulations. This conversation was also recorded for posterity.

Tracey congratulated me on having a fine bridge crew. I thanked him humbly, then knocked the phaser out of his hand. I'm afraid another altercation started when Tracey threw the first punch. He grabbed the phaser again, and tried to vaporize me, but I ducked out of the way. When the phaser lost it's charge, he came at me with an ax! 

Unfortunately, we were caught by a group of savages. That's rather humiliating to think about, that we, civilized members of Starfleet and the Federation, were caught engaging in petty combat in front of them. We were taken hostage, which is a weird feeling, because I have never been taken hostage before. They took us to a building nearby, in a room full of savages, and brought in Dr McCoy and Mr Spock.

I started thinking out loud: what if my ancestors had been forced out of the cities to live in the woods like these savages, would they become like Indians? Yes. And then I started thinking about Yangs, and how much it sounded like "Yanks", and were these people Yankees? Yes! Spock said that the Kohms were like Communists, and that these people fought the war that the American terrans avoided, and in this case, the Asians won and took over the land. Which means that the Yangs had been fighting to get their land back this whole time. Right on cue, one of the savages brought in a tattered American flag!

The savage that I was locked up with appeared to be the leader of the group, and he stood now and introduced himself as Cloud William, the chief of the Yangs. He turned to the flag, put his hand over his heart, and began reciting a garbled version of the Pledge of Allegiance. I stood up and began reciting it the proper way. This threw all of the Yangs for a loop, as I apparently knew quite a few of their "holy words." They asked how I knew, and I told them that I was descended from a tribe like theirs, and that my people were up in the sky.

Then Tracey decided to throw a monkey wrench in things by telling the Yangs that I had been cast out of the heavens, and that Spock, who answered to me, was my servant, the devil. It was not helped that the Yangs had a copy of the bible, which had a drawing of the devil, and which looked like Spock. To further his argument, Tracey told the Yangs that Spock has no heart. McCoy shouted that Vulcan physiology is different, but Cloud William listened at Spock's chest anyway, declaring that he heard nothing.

They tried to test me, by having me finish reciting a document that Cloud William began reading, but it was in gibberish like before, and it sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it. Tracey encouraged the Yang to kill Spock if I couldn't do it. Concerned for my first officer's boyfriend's life, I suggested a fight between good and evil, because good always triumphs, and okay, I did start this altercation. They tied our hands together and stuck a knife at the other end of the room, a fight to the death.

While I was busy engaging in hand to hand combat with Tracey, Spock used some sort of Vulcan mental voodoo to suggest to the tasty Yang woman that she pick up and open the comm device on the table, which she did. I finally succeeded in getting a hold of the knife, and I held it to Tracey's throat, but I could not kill a Starfleet officer, so I used it instead to cut myself free of him. Mr Sulu and two security Reds appeared in the room, to the astonishment of the Yangs, and explained that they had come to the coordinates of the open comm.

Cloud William was willing to be believe that I was a god, but I told him that I was just a man, and that I had figured out what those holy words meant. He had actually been reading from the Constitution, and I told him that those words were not just meant for chiefs, but for all of the people, including the Kohms. He said that he did not quite understand how but that they were still holy words, and if the holy words said that all people needed to be free, then that's what they would do.

Tracey was arrested, and we all beamed back up to the Enterprise to leave Omega IV.

Remember: Captain Ronald Tracey is guilty of violating the Prime Directive, the murder of one of my crew members as well as thousands of Yangs, and the attempted murder of myself and other crew members. I don't know how this could have happened. I've never seen another Starfleet officer break the Prime Directive for his own benefit before.

Also, Captain James T Kirk is innocent of violating the Prime Directive, of starting all fights but one, and of leering at that Yang woman with the great tits. He is only guilty of restoring freedom to Omega IV and of being good-looking.

Kirk out.

*******

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 1
Red deaths this season: 20
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew this season: 27
Total crew deaths thus far: 44

Plus a whole ship full of Crystal Meth People, but I don't know how many of each, so we'll let it fly here.

Editor's Review: This episode was racist, hackneyed bullshit.

*******

Drinking the third flavor in the Celestial Seasonings fruit sampler, and this week it's Wildberry. I was a bit concerned, if you recall that I don't like berry-mixing, and this one has the questionable illustrated pairing on the package of blackberry and strawberry, which doesn't sound good. But it has a great Kool-Aid scent to it (good Kool-Aid, not crappy Kool-Aid), and again, I was pleasantly surprised at the fruity flavor. The berry combination does not suck. This flavor also has that slightly-nostalgic taste of clear-cellophane Fruit Roll-Up. I'm shocked. I hate mixed berry flavor, yet this was awesome. 10/10. Would drink again.

http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/herbal-teas/wild-berry-zinger

Kitten fight! Pon Farr music!

Season 2, Episode 53 "The Ultimate Computer"

"The Ultimate Computer"
Production Number: 53
Air Order: 53
Stardate: 4729.4
Original Air Date: March 8, 1968

The title of this episode makes me groan, you guys. Typically, Star Trek will choose esoteric or philosophical titles for their episodes, but here we have what sounds like an advertisement gimmick for some product from the fifties. Or it should be the title of the aforementioned late-sixties sci-fi novel with the title in a slime green futuristic font.
Humor me, here: say "The Ultimate Computer" out loud, but don't use the voice of Rod Roddy, the announcer from "The Price Is Right." You can't do it, can you? Because when you say it in that voice, it conjures images of girls in swanky dresses, making a sweeping gestures with their palms up and opening panels on the front of said ultimate computer to show the contestant what could be theirs, if the price is right. But it won't be theirs, because the ultimate computer probably comes packaged with a dining room set, and who wants that when you know there's a trip to Germany and a ski boat or some shit in the next showcase, so they'll pass to the other contestant and no one will win because no one knows how much an ultimate computer and a dining room set costs.

I really wish I didn't suck at Photoshop, you guys. I would love to illustrate this thought with a Barker Beauty gesturing in front of like, Landru.

*******

We start out this week with Kirk in a snit. The E glides up on a space station, and he talks to Commodore Enright.
"Commodore, WTF?" he demands. "You guys paged me here and you won't tell me why."
"Shut your pie-hole," Enright answers. "A dude is beaming onto your ship."
"Bullshit," says Kirk, and he stomps off to the transporter room with Spock in tow.
When they get there, a gold shirt is beamed aboard, and Kirk knows him. He's Commodore Bob Wesley. Kirk tells the red who beamed Wesley aboard to GTFO, then demands to know why he was called to the space station, and why his crew has to leave the ship.
"It's war games time, bitches!" says Wesley. "We're gonna alter your woman with this new computer, the M-5, then we're gonna run it through some tests and do war games. A bunch of ships headed up by me, versus the E and you and the M-5. Your people need to leave because we won't need them. The M-5 runs the ship without people."
"Sweet!" says Spock. "The M-5 is the computer invented by Dr Richard Daystrom, on whom I have a raging nerd-crush."

"So Daystrom will come on board with the M-5, and you get to keep 20 crew members, and your job is easy, because you just have to sit in the captain's chair and look pretty," adds Wesley.

Kirk looks pretty pissed off about this, considering the fact that this is mostly what he does all day anyway. Maybe he's mad because Starfleet found out.

Kirk's Log 2749.4: "Exposition. Shit you forgot over the last commercial break."

Kirk gets into the lift with Spock and Bones. Bones complains that you can't let one computer run a whole starship. The Spock and Bones Odd Couple dialogue here is awesome, so I'm just gonna copy it down verbatim:

Spock: "The most unfortunate lack in current computer programming is that there is nothing available to immediately replace the starship's surgeon."

Bones: "Very funny. If it could, they wouldn't have to replace me; I'd resign because everything else would be nothing but circuits and memory banks. You know the type, Spock."

The trio enters engineering and meets Dr Daystrom, who is played by a giant black man. This is awesome. Dr Daystrom's character is written loosely enough that they could have picked damn near anyone - any white guy you wanted - and they picked a black dude instead to play the smart-as-hell scientist. Probably to piss of the censors in the deep South market. Anyway, this dude is not just black - he's huge. Standing next to Kirk puts one in mind of Cary Elwes standing next to Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride. Let's say you had written a screenplay about John Henry, the railroad guy. This is the dude you would get to play him. Big with a deep voice.

Daystrom is important. He designed all of the computers that are being used on the Enterprise, and the Daystrom Institute, mentioned in future Star trek spin-offs, was named for this guy.

Spock once again fangirls over Daystrom and the M-5, while Bones complains and Kirk sulks. Daystrom admits to the trio that the computer is called the M-5 because M's one through four fell flat on their collective faces. He then suggests that Kirk doesn't like the idea of a computer-run ship because Kirk is fond of the power and prestige that comes with being the captain. Dude, I agree. Kirk likes to whip out his rank as much as he likes whipping other things out.
He and Bones leave, and Bones has another great line here:
"Did you see the love-light in Spock's eyes? The right computer finally came along."
Kirk is troubled. He instinctively feels that the situation is off, but can't give a solid reason as to why. He wonders aloud about Daystrom's suggestion that he loves the power and prestige of being captain.
"Am I that petty?" he asks Bones.
Bones kind of brushes the question off, so I'll give you a definitive answer, Kirk: YES. Yes, you are.

On the bridge, the M-5 has completed the task of taking the E to a set of coordinates, and Kirk switches it off from his chair.

"That was dumb," he says. "We're here, but Sulu and Chekov could have done that just as easily."

"But they didn't have to," says Daystrom."The computer did the work of both."

"Blow me," Kirk replies.

Spock steps down to the dais to talk to Kirk. "You're being a dick."

Kirk shrugs it off.

Chekov turns to tell Kirk that they're approaching the planet that they were headed for. He seems thrilled. You know how, in "Galaxy Quest", Sigorney Weaver's character's job description was pretty much "repeat everything said by the computer"? This is Chekov's job now. I'd be pissed, too.

"Hey, time to turn on the M-5," says Daystrom. "This task will be approaching the planet, setting up a standard orbit, and making landing party recommendations."

"Screw you," says Kirk. "I make the landing party recommendations." But he turns on the M-5 anyway.

Kirk asks Spock to give him info on the planet while the M-5 makes it's recommendations. 

"So I say we should have a landing party of five that avoids the life-forms," says Kirk. "Me, Bones, Spock, an astrophysicist, and a geologist."

They put in the info tape that M-5 spit out. It recommends the same as Kirk, but picks a different geologist, and eliminates Kirk and Bones. Kirk is confused as to why it picked an ensign geologist rather than the head, and when they ask why the M-5 selected personnel the way it did, the M-5 replies that the ensign has had previous experience with similar planets. It then tells them that Kirk and Bones were "unnecessary." How about that. Maybe M-5 writes a Star Trek review blog as well. Or maybe the M-5 possesses some fucking common sense. When the M-5 says that Kirk and Bones were not necessary additions to the landing party, Daystrom gives Kirk this awesome sad trombone look.

Scotty turns and announces that the M-5 is turning off systems all over the ship. We get a camera sweep up to Scotty, with dramatic music and a commercial break, but it's all for nothing, because when we return, Daystrom explains that the M-5 realized that there was no one on decks 4-6, so it shut off power to those decks to conserve energy.

Uhura reports that there are two ships in the vicinity, and Kirk returns to his chair to check it out. Bones is on the bridge because the M-5 cut power to sick bay from lack of patients. Chekov grudgingly reports that the M-5 has determined that these are Federation ships Lexington and Excalibur.

"Too soon for war games," say Spock. "Maybe an unscheduled drill for the M-5?"

It's an unnecessary line, as the commodore calls to say as much.

Out of habit, Kirk starts to order prep stuff for his skeleton bridge crew, but there's no need, as the M-5 has already done it. Now both Chekov and Sulu are playing Repeat the Computer. The M-5 fires phasers at the other ships while Sulu and Chekov narrate. Chekov keeps making these hand gestures like he's over this shit, and I don't blame him: I was once replaced as an art teacher by a fucking Cricut machine.

The other ships move off, and Kirk asks Spock for a damage report so he can enter it into a log. We get a tender Spirk moment here, complete with soft music. Spock tells his captain that he is fine using computers as tools, but wouldn't want to serve under one. (No, really, can you imagine bottoming to a computer? Probably hurts like hell.)

Commodore Wesley calls to say that enough simulated damage was done to the Excalibur and Lexington to award the battle to the M-5. He congratulates the M-5 unit and "captain dunsel."

Everyone on the bridge looks uncomfortable at this comment, and Kirk, who had been smiling after his Spirk moment, now does a Charlie Brown walk back to his quarters.

"Who the hell is Captain Dunsel?" asks Bones.

Spock explains that "dunsel" is a slang term used by midshipmen at the Academy, and it refers to a part that serves no useful purpose. Kirk is not my favorite guy, but that was a super-bitchy thing for Wesley to say.

Like a good friend, Bones goes to Kirk's quarters with cocktails. Kirk admits to feeling useless, but Bones and his drink manage to make him feel better. He waxes rhapsodic a bit about actually piloting a ship through water and navigating by stars, but he's interrupted by Uhura calling him back to the bridge.

It turns out to be an unmanned, old-school ore freighter. The crew shrugs it off, but the M-5 raises shields and charges at it, firing a pair of photon torpedoes and blowing it out of the sky. The frantic crew, who tried to turn of the M-5 and override it's actions, stares at the screen.

"WTF?" Kirk and Bones yell at Daystrom.

"Um, looks like a malfunction or something," says Daystrom. "Good thing the freighter was unmanned."

"Like I give a shit," says Kirk. "And your dumb computer wouldn't have, either. We're shutting that shit down."

He, Daystrom and Spock go down to engineering to shut off the M-5, but Kirk is electrocuted by a force field.

Kirk's Log 4731.3: "The M-5 has taken control of my woman, and Dr Daystrom says he didn't put that force field on it, which means it now won't let anyone shut it down."

"The fuck?" Kirk yells at Daystrom.

"It's a glitch," says Daystrom. "You have to expect some of those during a test."

"Glitch, my ass," says Kirk. "We're shutting this shit down at the source."

Scotty's unnamed Red assistant pulls out a tool and attempts to disconnect the M-5 from its power source and it fries him. Like, the dude becomes startstuff again.

"You killed whats-his-name! You bastard!" Kirk rages.

"That's unfortunate," says Daystrom. "He got in the way."

"That thing tapped into the warp engines," says Scotty. "It has unlimited power!"

While Daystrom babysits his computer in engineering, our boys have a meeting. The M-5 has taken over all systems on the ship, including communications, so Uhura cannot warn the other ships, who are getting ready for the war games. Spock suggests that the computer can be shut off through engineering on deck three, and Scotty agrees that he and Spock can get 'er done within an hour. Spock then notes that the M-5 is not acting logically, as a computer should.

"Don't say it's fascinating!" grouches Bones.

"Okay. It's... interesting," Spock offers.

And Bones rolls his eyes so hard that I'm surprised he didn't injure himself.

We cut to Scotty and Spock in a Jeffries tube, making some modifications to shut down the M-5. I love these shots so much. I know that they had to go to the trouble to build tiny tube sets and put the camera at the top in order to get these shots, but I feel like the trouble was totally worth it. Also, check out the way that Scotty's arms form a hexagon that perfectly frame Spock, whose head intersects with piping that points to him. The ratio of organic and inorganic elements here is nice, too. Mmmmm, composition.

Down in engineering, Bones asks Daystrom if he's figured out how to shut off the M-5. Daystrom starts talking about child development, and about how the M-5 is learning. 

Yeah... I used to teach preschool. Children do not learn by murdering helpless Reds, mmkay?

He then goes on to talk about how men die in space, and he's trying to prevent that by creating starships that run themselves so that the computers and technology can do the dangerous jobs and less lives will be lost.

"You don't understand," he finishes. "We want to save life, not to destroy it."

Who's this "we", Daystrom?

By request, Bones brings an autobiography info tape about Daystrom to Kirk. They briefly discuss the pressures of genius, and how Daystrom hit it big early in his career and is still trying to be brilliant. Bones notes that Daystrom talks about the M-5 as though it were a child. Kirk responds by noting that Daystrom won't let Spock near the computer. Scotty calls to report that they are done with the modifications.

Everyone meets up at the Jeffries tube, and Kirk tells Daystrom that they're shutting the whole thing down. Daystrom yells, "No, you can't!" and tries to lunge into the tube to stop Spock and Scotty, but Kirk, who is a good head shorter than him, easily subdues Daystrom, because... oh, screw it. You know why.

They think they have control of the ship, but nope. That would be too easy. There are still 15 minutes left in the show. Spock suggests that when the M-5 discovered that they were tampering with the system, it rerouted everything and made that particular Jeffries tube a decoy, making it look active.

"Okay, 'fess up," Kirk tells Daystrom. "Your computer is screwy, and you know why."

"Sooo, people kept saying that computers don't act like men because they don't think like men, right?" asks Daystrom. "So I programmed it with human engrams, so now it thinks like a human. Good, huh?"

(I didn't know what the hell "engrams" were, so I've taken the liberty of Googling that shit for you: it's brain stuff, like the thing that records or stores memories or consciousness.)

Uhura pages Kirk and Spock to the bridge. The four Federation ships are assembling for the war games, not knowing that the M-5 isn't actually "playing."

This shot makes me want to pinch Star Trek's cheek and say "Awww, look at you, with your low-budget special effects! You're so cuuuute!" I'm pretty sure they filmed the same model once, then cut-and-pasted it four times onto the same background. It's cheesy, but it gets the job done. I'm still kind of snickering, though. So goofy, Star Trek.

Up on the bridge, Uhura is desperately trying to hail the Lexington, to no avail, as the M-5 has everything on lock, including distress signals. At one point, the Lexington calls the E to announce that they are here for the M-5 drills, and the M-5 responds back.

"It's cool," says Daystrom in that deep, soothing voice of his. "The M-5 knows this is a drill. That thing with the ore freighter was a fluke."

"You're full of shit," says Kirk, as the M-5 raises it's shields and prepares to fire heavy artillery at ships that do not have shields up.

The M-5 sends a full round of phasers at both the Lexington and Excalibur, leaving them limping in space.

"The fuck?" demands Wesley.

It's a tense moment, so Chekov bites his knuckles while reading from the screen.

Kirk grabs a flustered-looking Daystrom. "There's got to be a way to get to the M-5!"

"I can't!" says Daystrom. "It's totally protected itself!"

"This shit is scary," confirms Spock. "It thinks like a human, but acts with the swiftness of a computer. Everyone is screwed."

Wesley contacts the E, yelling at Kirk to call off the fight, as there are 65 dead reported between the Lexington and Excalibur ships. But Uhura can't override M-5, so Kirk can't respond.

The Excalibur tries to turn and run, but the M-5 chases it down and incapacitates it before going after the third ship, the Potempkin. Uhura intercepts a message from the Lexington to Starfleet and broadcasts it.

"Kirk is nucking futs. The captain and first officer on the Excalibur are dead. I think the only way to stop him is to kill him. Request permission to blow his ass out of the sky."

"You have to stop this shit!" Kirk yells at Daystrom. "You gave it your engrams, right? And you can interact with the program, yes?"

"Yes. I'll try," says Daystrom. He goes to the M-5 to talk to it. "Hey, M-5," he coos. "How's it going? So, you wanna not blow those ships up?"

"Those are enemy ships," says M-5. "Gotta protect myself."

"They're not," says Daystrom. "We're kind of murdering innocent people here."

"They attacked us. We have to survive," M-5 responds.

"Daystrom is losing his shit," Kirk whispers to Spock.

"He's going in circles," Spock whispers back. "He made the M-5 a mirror-image of himself, so he's basically talking to himself."

Bones says he's having a nervous breakdown, and Kirk takes the opportunity to tell Daystrom that they need to destroy the M-5. This pushes Daystrom just enough over the edge that he comes at Kirk, giving Spock a reason to pinch him. They send the half-conscious Daystrom to sick bay with Bones and two Reds.

The Excalibur appears to be dead, and Uhura is getting in the return message from Starfleet to go ahead and blow Kirk away.

"Fuck," says Kirk. "They'll attack us, but the M-5 will destroy those ships."

Kirk asks the M-5 about the "why" behind it's self-preservation. The M-5 tells him that it must survive so that it can eventually replace man in space, to keep men alive. You know where this is going, just as I did: whenever Kirk stumbles upon an out-of-control sentient computer, he must give it an identity crisis and encourage it to commit suicide.

An interesting aside here, from the smarty-pantses at IMDB: Kirk asks the M-5 what the penalty is for murder, and the M-5 responds that it is death. But in the Federation, the only crime that gets the death penalty is visiting Talos IV.

Once the M-5 is taken out, the shields drop. But apparently, communications are still out, so Kirk can't call Wesley and cancel his own death. Instead, he climbs on the comm, and addresses the other 18 members of the crew, and tells them that they are about to die at the hands of their fellow officers. It's cheerful.

Scotty calls from engineering saying that he and Spock have got the shields up, but everything else will take hours to bring online. Instead, Kirk gambles everything and tells Scotty to cut all power.

Wesley sees that the E looks dead, and wonders out loud if it's a trap before calling off the other ships. Of course it worked. It was Kirk's plan, and Kirk is the biggest Mary Sue of them all.

Down in sick bay, Bones tells Kirk and Spock that Daystrom will have to be committed for a while. Spock asks why Kirk chose to go with the opossum route, as the M-5 might have set that trap for Wesley. Kirk replies that he was gambling on Wesley's compassion to realize that the E being dead in the water was a surrender rather than a trap.

The trio gets into the lift, and Spock and Bones begin another brief argument about humans vs computers, which Spock ends with, "I'd really like to see a computer imprinted with your illogical engrams."

And Kirk laughs and everything is awesome because he got another computer to commit suicide.

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 1
Red deaths this season: 19
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 26
Total crew deaths thus far: 43

Plus, a bunch of people on the Excalibur and Lexington ships, but I can't really count those.

*******

This week's tea is the second to come out of that Celestial Seasonings herbal fruit pack: the Raspberry Zinger. Apparently, the "zinger" part refers to the fact that they mixed hibiscus in with the fruit parts, as I've seen another "zinger" tea and the common thing seems to be that flower. The tea isn't terribly floral, though, mostly just fruity, and it's a good raspberry, like actually eating fresh berries rather than some weird fakey fruity taste. I'd actually like to try this tea as a raspberry Arnold Palmer. You can also buy a version of this tea as specifically an iced tea, but it's one of those "zero calorie, sweetened by creepy fake sweetener" things that I don't trust, so you know I won't be trying that anytime soon. Either way, this version is good.

http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/herbal-teas/raspberry-zinger