ST:TNG Season Four, Episode Eighteen "Identity Crisis"

ST:TNG Season Four, Episode Eighteen "Identity Crisis"
Production Order: 18
Air Order: 18
Stardate: 44664.5
Original Air Date: March 25, 1991

We start out a little differently this week, watching an away team recording a log from five years earlier. The ship the team is with is the USS Victory, and the guy doing the recording says he is Ensign Brevelle, and that Lt Susanna Leijten (lighten) is in command. They're on Tarchannen III, trying to figure out what happened to all the scientists on this outpost.
Hey, it's old-school La Forge!

Producers were smart enough to put the away team in season one uniforms and give them all Type 2 phasers. La Forge is also wearing an older version of his VISOR. Props to those props people!

Getting back to the action, La Forge tells Leijten that he can't find any signs of a struggle, or weapons fire or anything, just that the whole outpost seems to have disappeared. Another team member calls them over and shows them a shredded Blue uniform.
In the present day, Leijten pauses the recording. She is in the Enterprise Obs Lounge, telling Picard, Riker, and La Forge what their current mission is: peeps from this hella old away mission are going missing. Brevelle (the dude behind the camera) wasn't feeling well for several days, then he took a shuttle and went AWOL. Mendez was last seen on her ship (the Aries) an hour before she went missing, but she was acting normally. Hickman just passed a physical.
"This is crap," says La Forge. "Hickman has two kids and is totally stable. He wouldn't desert like that."
"Yeah, but a supply ship saw him going back to Tarchannen III," argues Leijten. You know they're friends because she calls him Geordi and he calls her Susanna or Suse.

Picard brings up the fact that nobody ever figured out what happened to the Blues at the outpost: 49 people just disappeared into the wind.
"Yep," says Leijten. "And now the away team that went looking for answers are all doing the same. It's just me and Geordi left."

Everybody looks all serious! Dramatic music! Opening credits break!

Picard's Log 44664.5: "Going after the shuttle that Hickman stole. Hoping we catch him before he hits Tarchannen III."

Leijten and La Forge go to Ten Forward to catch up on old times and share a drink. They laugh about stupid crap and have a good time in general, like you do when you haven't seen a good friend in years. She tells him about some dude she almost married, then she asks about his love life.
"I enjoy the bachelor life too much," he responds.
Liar.
"You liar," she laughs, and refers to him as her "little brother."
Apparently, he used to ask her for advice on romance.
No, can we not do this? I do not like discussing Geordi's love life. Like, does anyone?
Instead, the mood changes, and they talk about how freaked out they are that their former crewmates are disappearing like those outpost Blues from five years earlier. They decide that they're going to solve this shit together, and Susannna calls them "the Leijten and La Forge Show."

They get paged to the bridge - the E has found Hickman's shuttle.
Up on the bridge, the shuttle has been found heading for Tarchannen III, but Hickman is not responding to hails.
"So hey," says Data. "The shuttle isn't pointed at the right angle to enter the planet's atmosphere, so if he doesn't change that in like, a minute or so, the shuttle is going to blow up."
Hickman is not in transporter range, and too far for a tractor beam to yank him back, so Picard tries calling him again.
Leijten and La Forge stand horrified as they watch the shuttle blow up in the atmosphere.

"Hey, I see no life signs on the surface, but most def another Federation shuttle," announces Worf.
"Fuck a duck," says Picard. "Do the thing, Riker."
Riker picks La Forge, Worf and Data to go with him, and Leijten requests to be added to that roster, so down they go.

Riker tells Leijten and La Forge to check out the shuttle nearby while the others check the perimeter. Leijten immediately identifies the shuttle as the one Mendez took from the Aries, then follows some non-human footprints away from the area. Paranoid Worf tells Riker he thinks they are being watched, but Data says there are no life signs here except for themselves. La Forge brings them Mendez's shredded uniform.
"Where is Leijten?" asks Riker.
They all shrug, so he pages her. No answer.
(He also calls her Susanna once, but that strikes me as weird, because it is not established that they have ever met before this, nor are they friends. Doesn't chain of command dictate that he calls her Lt Leijten?)

They begin searching. La Forge notices the weird footprints, and supposedly Leijten's own near them, so he follows that path as well, yelling her name. When he clears some brush, she quietly calls him over to her, then tells him that Mendez and Brevelle are still alive, near them.
He takes a scan. "Dude, there's nobody here."
"They are, though..." She starts to walk away.
"Hey, where are you going?" He reaches out and touches her shoulder, but she jumps and yells at him to go away.
Realizing something is wrong, he grabs her and holds her while she struggles, calling for a beam-up to sick bay. "Medical emergency!"

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

When Leijten comes to on a biobed later, she and La Forge joke that she feels like shit.
"So you had some kind of weird anxiety reaction," Crusher tells her. "And your blood chemistry is all fucked up."
"That sucks," says Leijten, "but we have to finish this investigation."
"Hell no," Crusher responds. "You're not leaving the ship until we figure out if this is related to the missing officers."
La Forge agrees. Leijten argues with them both about wanting to go back to the surface. Picard, who has The Last Say, comes into sick bay and tells her that she's sure as shit not leaving the ship.
"We already finished our surface stuff, anyway. We're ready to hang out in orbit and look at the info we got."
La Forge convinces her to come with him to just look at Data's report. She agrees.

After they leave, Picard asks Crusher about La Forge's scans.
"Totally healthy," she confirms.
"Yeah, but that's what Hickman and Mendez's physicals said, too."
A super-meaningful look!

Leijten and La Forge are moving through the corridors, while Leijten tells La Forge that she thinks what needs to happen is dozens of away teams on the surface, covering large areas quickly to find the others. He stops her, and they both notice that her fidgeting is more than just being amped up from the situation. Girlfriend is shaking. She starts to panic.
"What happened to the others is happening to me, too!"
He gives her a big ol' friend hug and tells her that he won't let that happen.
I mean, that's nice and all, but Leijten has been established as An Old Friend We've Never Seen Before, and never heard of, which means that according to Star Trek rules, she will probably get the Red Shirt Treatment.
Sorry, dude.

At the science station on the bridge, Data tells La Forge and Leijten that he found alien skin cells on the shredded uniforms, but they don't match anything in the databanks. It would take them forever to figure out what those came from.
"Fortunately, we also have these footprints that also don't match anything," he says.
Okay great, Data.
"We didn't see those footprints five years ago," says Leijten.
"There are a lot of sandstorms on that planet," Data points out. "Anyway, Crusher and I are going to check out these footprints and DNA samples some more."

In the lift, Leijten and La Forge talk about why the away team ended up going back to Tarchannen III. La Forge suggests compulsion or post-hypnotic suggestion.
"We should go back through the records and see if there was anything we all did," says Leijten. "Maybe we all touched the same thing, like a plant or the sand."
"It could be something we ingested, or the air itself," says a disappointed La Forge.
Which means the new away team is at risk as well.
Screwed.

Data and Crusher are in her office going over information, and Data says it's important that they get this figured out quickly, because they are running out of time.
Crusher thinks this is sweet and asks if Data is worried about Geordi.
"I'm an android. It's not possible for me to be worried."
But he does concede in the most Data way possible:

La Forge and Leijten go back to Engineering to go over the recording and see if there was something that the team all did to end up this way. Leijten starts getting fidgety again.
"We're wasting our time. We need to go back to the planet."
"Not an option," La Forge reminds her.
"I gotta get off the ship!"
She starts to run away, but then turns and seizes slightly.
He and another Gold rush to her, but when he picks her up, he sees some worrying shit on the back of her neck.

She looks up at him, terrified, and puts a hand on his shoulder.
Rut-roh, Raggy.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

In sick bay, Crusher tells Picard that Leijten has developed an extreme sensitivity to light, and they're trying to keep her comfortable while they figure out what her deal is.
She's now covered in the blue vein-y things and -
- oh, hell no!

La Forge attempts to console and rally his now-creepy friend. She's struggling, because this shit is inside of her and she has no way of fighting it.

La Forge goes to Crusher's office, where she's telling Picard that the cells from the uniform matched Leijten's changing cells. She thinks that the people from the Tarchannen III outpost didn't go missing, that they morphed into whatever Leijten is morphing into, and the other away team members probably morphed into those things as well. She doesn't think that Leijten can give it to others on the E, but La Forge is at risk of changing too.
"I had two scans today, you said I was fine," he argues.
"Yeah, Leijten was fine, too," she points out. "But Brevelle was sick for a few days before he left, and Mendez was normal an hour before she took off. Looks like it affects people differently. You have maybe days, or maybe hours."
"Ugh, this is such bullshit," says La Forge. "I need to get back to work, then."
"No, you need to stay here in sick bay so I can monitor you, and we can make sure you don't go back to the planet's surface."
They argue, and La Forge asks Picard what he would do - hang out in sick bay, or try to figure it out?
"You can put me under house arrest," says La Forge. "Twenty-fourth century ankle bracelet, have Majel track me on the ship to make sure I don't leave."
Crusher agrees with the stipulation that he comes back for a scan in a few hours, and returns if he has any symptoms.

La Forge is in Engineering again, arguing with Majel over the video, when Data asks how he is doing. La Forge answers by yelling at Data, because he's tired and frustrated and finding nothing while trying everything.
"Dude, get some sleep," says Data. "Or eat a fucking Snickers or something."
"No. I mean, you're probably right, but I just have to keep plugging away, because we're running out of time."
"Do you want help?" asks Data.
"No, because I don't even know what I'm looking for." La Forge sighs. "If I figure it out, and need help, I'll give you a jingle."
Geordi, that's... that's so fucking stupid. You admit you're tired and not thinking well, and A GUY WHO DOESN'T NEED TO SLEEP JUST OFFERED TO HELP YOU AND YOU TURNED HIM DOWN.

Nurse Ogawa calls Crusher in to see Leijten, and shines a flashlight on her face. Leijten's skin mimics the light. Also, her body temp is way down, and despite treatment, her transformation is speeding up. Crusher does a scan. Leijten is here and alive, but her life signs are barely registering on the equipment. She orders a genetic scan to look for tiny anomalies.

La Forge is watching that same video, over and over again, driving himself nuts. He watches without sound. He runs it slower. He freeze-frames. He enhances. He zooms. He... finds a weird shadow.
"Hey, Majel. Whose shadow is that?"
"Dunno."
"Can you isolate those shadows?"
"Okay."

"Huh. What's making that shadow?"
"Dunno."
"Can you scan everything in this video and make a holo-program of it?"
"Yeah, but only of the stuff that you actually filmed."
"Great. Send it over."
OKAY.
Now, La Forge using the holodeck to recreate scenes that he can walk around in to solve a weird crisis is actually an awesome idea. He can see the bigger picture and figure out what's added or missing or strange. But post-Galaxy's Child, La Forge using the holodeck for these kinds of projects causes me weird show anxiety. Like, is someone going to falsely accuse him of fucking the mystery shadow six months from now?
La Forge goes to the holodeck and reaches up to set up the program via touch panel and sees that his hand has already started shaking.
Looks like someone is going to be reborn as a scary light monster.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

La Forge goes into the holodeck and starts telling Majel what he wants, but the holodeck-video-whatever is running too fast at regular speed, so he slows it down. Then, instead of setting it back to where it needs to start, and having Majel disappear and reappear the people, he has her reverse it.
Those poor actors, having to walk backward as normally as possible, and learn those lines in reverse.
He has Majel remove Command Red Geordi.
Then Leijten.
Then Mendez.
Now it's just him, and holo-Brevelle, and -
FUCK THAT SHIT.

"Majel, who is that?"
"Dunno."
"Can you make the shape and place it where it would have to be in the space to make that shadow?"
"Not really."
La Forge is starting to sweat. Not feeling well and arguing with an obstinate computer will really speed up a person's transformation into a light-mimicking monster.
"Okay, what if this thing was like, my height?"
"Cool."

NO. NOT COOL. FUCK THIS WHOLE FUCKING SHOW.
And before La Forge is able to do more than make a WTF? face, he starts to collapse. He reaches back to feel the back of his neck, and there's blue slime on his hands. Hands that are now kind of flippers.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

In sick bay, Crusher has finally found her tiny intruder in Leijten's chest cavity, which is pumping out instructions to make more of itself, like a shitty virus or cancer or something.
"We need to have unaltered DNA to fix her," Crusher says.
"That sucks," replies Ogawa. "There's isn't a lot left."
They rush to turn on some things and get some regular Leijten DNA.

A little while later, Crusher calls the bridge to tell them that she and Ogawa were successful with the surgery, that they managed to remove what was causing her DNA to alter, and it'll take a few hours for them to see what kind of results they'll get. Then she tries to call La Forge.
No answer.
"Majel," she asks, "where is La Forge?"
"Not on board."
"Um, bridge? See if La Forge has left the ship."
Worf and Riker confirm that no one has transported off, and no shuttles are missing.
"Fuck," says Crusher. "He went chameleon."
Majel tells them that the last place she saw La Forge was in holodeck three.

Riker and Worf station a pair of security Golds outside the holodeck and go inside to find... the outpost on Tarchannen III. There's Brevelle with his lighted camera, and... that thing. Riker prepares to go inside by putting on his best WTF face.

They venture in, and while Riker is trying to figure out what this program is doing, Worf finds and brings him the shredded uniform of Geordi La Forge.

A transporter chief is minding his own business in transporter room six when the doors open. A thing in the doorway looks like... people-shaped water?
It knocks him the hell down, sets the controls, then hops on the pad. The chief screams for security through his comm badge.
On the bridge, Data tells Picard that the security lock-out on that transporter has been broken. He is unable to re-establish.
La Forge transports down, and we briefly see him before he's gone.

*shudder*

Concerned music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log 44668.1: "Crusher says we have about an hour before La Forge is permanently transformed into some kind of comic book swamp monster thing. We can't find him via sensor array because he's like, invisible or something. Sucks to be him. Sucks to be us."

On the bridge, Data says that if La Forge beamed down by the outpost and is still in the area, they might be able to find him with UV light. Riker asks him to alter an emergency search light to UV.
Soon, Data is busy altering the emergency light, while Worf and Riker argue over search strategies.
They take off.

In sick bay, Leijter wakes up mostly herself and talks frantically with Crusher: there was no parasite. The Tarchannens reproduce by implanting DNA strands into other species and transforming them. She asks where La Forge is, and Crusher admits that he has gone down to the planet, but says an away team is looking for him. Leijter panics.
"I'm the only one who can find him!"

Riker adds Leijter to the away team, and they beam down. Leijter tells the team that the creatures will run from regular light, but UV is beyond their spectrum, so they won't see it. Data shines his light where she directs, and three creatures appear. She insists one is La Forge. They all run away, but Leijter calls out to her friend.

He pauses.
That shit's terrifying.

Leijter tells a freaked out La Forge that they managed to help her back from the brink, and they can help him, too. Mendez and Brevelle are too far gone, but she knows some of his humanity still exists. She holds out her hand, and there's a long pause, but he finally reaches out and takes it before they embrace.
Ugh, does he have goat-eye contacts?

Later in sick bay, La Forge is mostly cured. Picard asks Leijter if Mendez and Brevelle are save-able at all, and she confirms that they are completely gone.
La Forge agrees: in another few minutes, he would not have recognized his friend's voice or gone with them.
Crusher asks if La Forge was communicating with the species, but he tells her no, that they're pretty much all lizard hind-brain.
"Okay," decides Picard. "We'll put some beacons in orbit and on the surface, warning people not to go there. That way, no one will else will have to go through this."
Picard and Crusher leave and La Forge thanks Leijter for saving him.
"I didn't know who you were," he says, "but I trusted you. Thanks for not giving up on me."
Guess Leijter bucked the trend of previously-unknown-old-friend-dies-to-give-the-audience-the-feels. Good for her.

*******

To the Families of Mendez and Brevelle:

Hey, how's it going? Starfleet here.

Are you sitting? You should sit.

So, like five years ago, your family member went on this away mission to find some people on a planet, and they didn't find out what happened, but you know how your peeps recently went missing? So, yeah. Turns out the planet slowly turned them into these invisible Swamp Thing monsters. It's like, the way that planet's animals reproduce or something. Not saying an alien animal had sex with your family member or something. But, you know, kind of.

Anyway. Space is weird, and they can never come back, and you can't go visit, because then you'll become an invisible Swamp Thing too. There also isn't enough left of their humanity to recognize them, or for them to recognize you. I guess you're stuck in that limbo of them being dead but also not? I dunno. Have a funeral or something if you want.

Don't sue us, tho.

Love,

Starfleet

To the Family of Lt Hickman,

Ya boi blowed up in a shuttle. Maybe suicide. We dunno. Sorry and stuff.

Starfleet

Kayso.
I don't like this episode.
Is it bad? No.
Does the writing or story suck?
Nope.
Do those fucking contacts make me want to hide behind my hands and whimper like a little kid who has snuck downstairs to watch Tales of the Crypt against their parents' wishes? YES.
This episode creeps me the hell out. Horribly, this episode started out far creepier, so a big thank you to the writers for turning that shit down a bit.
Psychologically, destroying a human face and especially the eyes is something that other humans find disturbing. Congrats, Star Trek! This crap is disturbing!
Interestingly, when I rewatch an episode that my brain has deemed "creepy," it always seems to recall that creepy part happening way more than it actually does. In my memory, "Night Terrors" features that hideous eyes in the dark voice constantly. I remember this episode containing way more glow-in-the-dark goat eyes than it actually does.
Some good stuff:
- LeVar Burton's performance as the terrified Tarchannen thing was well-done. I've seen feral cats do the same things.
- One idea they ditched early on was hooking up La Forge and Leijten romantically. Thank fuck they got rid of that. The writers ended up deciding that they didn't want to drag the audience through the muck of another Ill-Fated La Forge Romance so soon after "Galaxy's Child." Nobody needs that.

Questions I'm left with:

- Sooo, all of the people who went down to the planet from the E got checked out, right? Riker and Worf and Crusher? Yeah? Presumably they all have this problem now too, right?
- How have the Tarchannens been reproducing prior to this? Do they take over the other fauna on the planet? If they had never changed over a human before this, what do the original animals look like? Do they have the creepy blue veins and glowing eyes?
- Isn't La Forge's VISOR capable of picking up the kind of light that would make those things visible?



- Fun Facts:

- Ensign Graham is played by Mona Grudt, Miss Universe 1990. (Lol.)

- Amick Byram, who played Lt Hickman on the away team video, will appear in TNG season seven.

- The Aries was the ship that Riker had been offered in "The Icarus Factor."
- The original script involved two non-regular crew members going through the transformation.
- The original story was also a lot creepier, with more creatures on the surface, and La Forge did not make the change. Brannon Braga, who did the rewrite, felt that La Forge needed to be included to make it work.
- In a single frame of this episode where Leijten and La Forge are working in Engineering, the TNG logo appears on a computer screen behind Leijten. I was never able to find it, so it may have been a pre-remastered version.

- It took four make-up artists working for six hours to turn LeVar Burton into the swamp monster thing with the glowy veins. It holds the record for longest make-up application on TNG.
- The neural stimulator that was used on Riker in "Shades of Gray" is hauled out again for Leijter's surgery.
- Three other species for two more Star Trek shows will reproduce the same way the Tarchannens do, by infecting other species with their DNA.
- This episode was nominated for an Emmy for Make-Up.
- Along with Miss Universe, this episode also featured Los Angeles radio DJs Mark and Brian, as the other Tarchannen aliens. After filming their scenes, the DJs interviewed multiple cast members for their show.

Red deaths: 0
To date: 0
Gold deaths: 0
To date: 0

Blue deaths: 1 (Hickman)
To date: 1
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0
To date: 11,000

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0
To date: 1

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 0
To date: 2

Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 1

Sassy Worf Moment: 0
To date: 2

Sassy Riker Moments: 0
To date: 7

Sassy Picard Moments: 0
To date: 7

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 1
Sassy Data Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy Troi Moments: 0
To date: 4
Sassy Guinan Moments: 0
To Date: 3
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 0
To date: 3

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 1
To date: 23

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 0
To date: 15

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date: 0
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 1
Picard Maneuvers: 0
To date: 17
Tea, Earl Grey: 0
To date: 6

Morna and Uhura are planning a hit on me.

Season 2, Episode 54 "The Omega Glory"

"The Omega Glory"
Production Number: 54
Air Order: 52
Stardate: Unknown
Original Air Date: March 1, 1968

It's November, y'all. November means several things: retail workers have made it halfway through the Holiday season; everything comes in "pumpkin spice" flavor/scent; it's No Shave November or Movember, both of which include facial hair. I can be a beard, but I cannot grow one. Therefore, my month-long participation turns to NaNoWriMo, which is National Novel Writing Month.
For those of you who are not involved in fandoms, or who just plain old haven't heard of this, NaNoWriMo is a movement which encourages people to write novels in the space of a month. You can sign up for workshops and be partnered with mentors and stuff, but a lot of people just participate casually, writing diligently to improve their skills. In this spirit, I'm writing this weeks' episode as an entry in Kirk's log rather than a straight review.
My apologies.

*******

"Captain's Log, stardate something-or-other, I don't really know. I haven't looked at a calendar today. Um, so this is the log entry for our trip to, and subsequent trouble on, Omega IV. This log will clearly show that I did nothing wrong, and in fact, went by the book at all times.

Okay, I did a few things on my own that weren't strictly on the up and up, but most things were by the book.

Okay, I did one thing by the book. But it was a good one!
Anyway.
Things started out okay. We were cruising along through space when we found ourselves approaching Omega IV. I don't recall what mission we were on then, but a lot of the time we don't really have a mission, and we're just kind of hanging out in space, so I guess it doesn't matter. So we come up on Omega IV, and even though nothing is strictly wrong, it feels weird, like when you're watching a film and everything is fine, but sinister music is playing for no reason that you can see? It was like that. Sulu reported that there was a Federation ship in orbit, the Exeter. Uhura tried to hail the ship, but they weren't answering. I knew that the Exeter had been patrolling in that sector six months earlier, but there was no reason to believe there was anything wrong. Sulu reported no damage to the ship. But when they failed to answer our hail, I knew I should go over there.

No damage to the ship, no reason for anyone to suspect trouble.
Clearly, both of these are good reasons to investigate.

Lots of people have gotten on my case about always going on away missions, and doing so at the drop of a hat, but I have a very good reason for doing so: I like away missions, and I'm the captain, so I'm allowed to go if I want to. Whiners always complain about how I leave my ship open to trouble by leaving and taking most of the senior staff, but they can suck it. I feel like going, so I'm gonna. I mean, really, what else could I have done in this situation? Continue to try to raise the Exeter? Scan the ship for life-forms? Send in someone who was not in charge of the ship and 429 other people? Where's the sense in that? It wastes time, and I hate wasting time when I could be jumping in and asking questions later.
I took Science Officer Spock, Bones Doctor McCoy, and this Red, Lt Galloway with me. We beamed into the engineering section of the Exeter.

There were no people in engineering, just uniforms scattered on the floor and draped over equipment. There were little piles of crystals with the uniforms, but nobody really thought much of it. Seems obvious now, but I guess we weren't focused on that. Dr McCoy scanned the uniforms while I got on the PA system and announced our arrival on the ship, asking if anyone was on board. No one answered back. Mr Spock called me back to say that he had not found anyone either, just empty uniforms, and Lt Galloway reported in by saying that all shuttlecraft were still on the ship. We went up to the bridge and found more uniforms and piles of crystals. McCoy scanned these too and discovered that the crystals were what was left of the human body when the water is removed.

Soylent Crystal Meth is people!

Oh - that might have been in bad taste. Sorry. Um, I offer my condolences to the families of the 400 men and women who served aboard the Exeter and who lost their lives in the line of duty. When they became crystal meth.

Okay, sorry again.

I had Spock play back the last log entry made on the ship. It was made by their ships' surgeon. He didn't look like he was in good shape. His last entry was clearly meant for people like us, who had come to investigate. He addressed us, telling us that we were dead men, and not to go back to our own ship, and to get "down there" where Captain Tracey was. Then he keeled over and the log ended. It was really a terrible entry. He didn't tell us how anyone died, or why we were dead men, or why we shouldn't go back to the Enterprise, and then he just died at the end of the log. Don't they teach good log entry protocol at the Academy anymore?

The surgeon suggested that we go "down there" to find Captain Tracey, so we beamed down. I suppose I could have called the Enterprise and asked for any background information the Federation has recorded on Omega IV, but that would have taken a few minutes that I didn't want to waste. I guess it sounds irresponsible to just beam down willy-nilly without finding out more about the situation, but I do it all the time, and how often does that get me into trouble? Fifty percent of the time? Sixty? It always turns out okay in the end.

When we beamed down we found ourselves in a village of sorts, and just about to witness a beheading. The villagers were all Asians, and the guy they were about to behead was a sort of white caveman. They had a white girl, too, in a skimpy outfit. Her boobs bounced nicely as she struggled.

Fortunately, the beheading was stopped when Ron Tracey showed up on the scene and noticed us. He greeted me, and we shook hands and then he ordered one of the Asians to lock up the "white savages." One of the Asians, Wu, pointed out to Tracey that we were carrying "fire boxes."

Tracey told us that the savages lived away from the Asians, but attacked frequently. Mr Spock asked Tracey how the Asians knew about phasers, and Tracey gave my boyfriend first officer the stink eye before continuing to talk about his experiences on Omega IV. It seems that Tracey and an away team had beamed down to the surface when their med-scanners revealed that the planet's people were in perfect health. The villagers (Kohms) were surprised to see them, as the crew's white skin made them look like the savages (Yangs). I guess Tracey has an all-white crew? I dunno. It was hard to tell race and skin color based on just those little piles of crystals. Anyway, he said he stayed behind when the away team beamed back up, but then he said that he got calls from the Exeter saying that the away team had contracted a disease on the surface that they then carried back to the ship. Everyone became infected and died. Tracey was also infected, as we were now as well. There's some sort of immunity that inhabitants get from living there that keeps them from dying. He said we couldn't leave, or the disease would kill us. I stifled a yawn. If I had a tribble for every time I was told that I was going to have to remain planet-side forever, I could start a fur-coat factory.

McCoy had a bunch of medical equipment beamed down so that he could take samples and see if he could work out a cure between himself and the Enterprise computer. He said that the infection that we all had resembled some infections that were developed by man in the 1990's during their biological warfare. Meanwhile, I started to wonder if Ron Tracey had violated the Prime Directive, which is the most important thing in Starfleet and which I would never ever personally break.

Spock suddenly burst into the room carrying a wounded Lt Galloway. They had been just outside the village when they had been ambushed by some Yangs, and Galloway had taken a lance to the chest. Galloway stated that he did not think it was possible to reason with the Yangs, as they seemed too savage. Spock reported that the Yangs did appear to be preparing for a huge attack, but that Tracey was lying about not interfering with this culture, as Spock had talked to several villagers who said that Tracey had driven off an attack the week before with his phaser. Spock also found the spent reserve packs from Tracey's phaser with the remains of some Yangs.

My senior officers and I discussed the ramifications of this, mostly that I would have to turn in Captain Tracey for violation of the Prime Directive. While it was no good arresting him on the planet's surface, I would probably have to confiscate his weapon and make Starfleet aware, which was what I was about to do when Tracey came in with his phaser out. Lt Galloway started to reach for his own phaser, but Tracey saw him, and vaporized him. I want it on record that I was not directly responsible for the death of this Red. Some of them, I was kinda-sorta responsible for, but this one was all Tracey.

Tracey had several Kohms with him, who then rushed in to take the rest of the phasers and my comm device. He then called the Enterprise and lied to Sulu about the situation. He said that sending a medical party down would be foolish. I tried to yell "Sulu!" at the comm, but Tracey closed it and knocked me out. How he did that, I'll never know. People aren't usually quick or skilled enough to get the drop on me. According to Mr Spock and Dr McCoy, the Kohms were then ordered to kill me if either of them tried to talk to Sulu. Tracey then called Sulu back and said that I was unconscious and delirious with sickness, but that everything was fine and he would be in touch. He's a devious bastard. My very excellent bridge crew has the entire conversation on info tapes as evidence.

Later, while I was lying on the floor by myself, I tried to trip the Kohm guard that Tracey had left behind. Unfortunately, Tracey caught me doing it, and sent the guard out so that we could talk. I want it on the books here that the first thing I said to him after finding out about his treason was to cite section 7, paragraph 4 at him, about how he needed to surrender himself to me. He acknowledged what I was doing, and we moved on. I asked him why he had done the things that he had done.

He then explained that he had discovered that no disease existed on this planet. He called Wu back in to tell me his age, which was revealed to be 462. Wu's father was over 1000 years old. I asked if McCoy could corroborate this, and Tracey said he wanted doctors researching the phenomena, so that a serum could be made and sold. He was after a sort of Fountain of Youth thing. He said that if we stayed alive to create the serum, we could be rich, and the Federation would send starships to pick us up. He also said that if we died before being able to bring a serum to market that it would be "a crime against humanity." This, my fellow officers, is what Captain Ronald Tracey feels is more important than the Prime Directive.

Now, my hands had been tied up this whole time, but of course I was able to work my way out of them. I'm afraid an altercation occurred, and oddly enough, I found myself beaten. I was taken to a small jail in the village. Dr McCoy and Mr Spock were already there, in one cell, while the other cell was taken up by the two white savages. Dr McCoy was released so that he could work on Tracey's serum. Tracey told Wu that they were going to start preparing for war with the Yangs, only this time, they would have a lot of "fire boxes." Tracey thought it would be funny to put me in the cell with the savages, and unfortunately, another fight broke out.

I was trying very hard not to hurt the savages, as an extension of the Prime Directive, but they were fairly intent on hurting me, so I feel like I can't be blamed for defending myself. At one point, I figured out that I could use the chick with the nice jugs as a shield, but that didn't last long. Spock was offering encouragement from the other cell, but I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not. The girl backed up to the door of the cell, just within range of Spock's arm, and he did that crazy Vulcan neck pinch thing that he does. She passed out, and the savage man cradled her on the floor. We were at an impasse, and the savages huddled in the corner under the window while I stood at the door and talked to Spock to keep me awake. I felt like I might be ambushed by the savages if I fell asleep. Spock thought that the bars in the windows were loose because the mortar had begun rotting away. He twisted one of the bars to get it free while he told me that he thought some biological warfare had taken place a long time ago, something to bring on that disease, and which had destroyed the white society and crumbled the yellow society. In responding back, I mentioned the word "freedom."

This piqued the interest of the savage man, who croaked that "freedom" was one of their "worship words." I replied that it was one of ours as well, and then I tried to loosen one of the bars as Spock had. I could totally have done it on my own, but I wanted a foster a good relationship with the savage man, so I allowed him to help me. When I asked him why he had not spoken before, he replied that he felt that we were on the side of the Kohms.

We got the bar out, and I turned to call to Spock that we would help him out as well, but when I did so, that savage bastard hit me in the back of the head with the bar, knocking me out. When I came to, Spock told me that I had been unconscious for 7 hours. The window was free of all of the bars and the savages were gone. I spotted some keys in the jail, climbed out through the window, went back in, and unlocked Spock's cell. (Though I am at a loss as to why Spock didn't free himself with those loose bars, and then come get me during the seven hours that I was unconscious.) We made our way back to the building where Dr McCoy was working and Spock performed the Vulcan neck pinch on the guard.

Dr McCoy told us what Spock had guessed as well, that there had been a war and a disease that had been unleashed, and over time, nature had built up immunities in the water, food and soil. If the away team from the Exeter had stayed a few more hours, they would have gotten the immunity as well. This meant that we were free to leave. I told Dr McCoy that Tracey's plans involved using these diseases and immunities to lengthen life, which he could make into a serum and sell, but the good doctor said that such a serum wouldn't work that way, as the long life of the inhabitants of this planet resulted in exposure to the illness and the immunities over time. Spock managed to repair the communication device enough that we could signal the Enterprise, but Tracey burst in again and vaporized it. Spock was standing too close at the time, and it knocked him out.

Spock needed medical attention, but Tracey yelled that we couldn't leave the surface or everyone on the Enterprise would die. I lost my temper and yelled back that we were all immunized and could leave whenever we wanted. He thought this meant that Dr McCoy had created a serum, but McCoy explained to him that the only reason these people were living longer was because they were supposed to on this planet, and there was nothing to make a magical serum from. Angry, Tracey yelled that he had killed thousands of savages for nothing and then ordered me outside by threatening to vaporize my first officer and ships' surgeon, which frankly, is a court-martial offense, if you ask me. He forced me to call my ship and request 10 phasers with 3 back-up packs for each.

Sulu and Uhura were smart enough to tell me that that wasn't possible without verification, that it was against regulation. Sulu said that he had volunteers ready to come to the surface if needed. I replied that everything was fine, and I closed the comm. Sulu and Uhura should get raises for thwarting a genocide using Starfleet regulations. This conversation was also recorded for posterity.

Tracey congratulated me on having a fine bridge crew. I thanked him humbly, then knocked the phaser out of his hand. I'm afraid another altercation started when Tracey threw the first punch. He grabbed the phaser again, and tried to vaporize me, but I ducked out of the way. When the phaser lost it's charge, he came at me with an ax! 

Unfortunately, we were caught by a group of savages. That's rather humiliating to think about, that we, civilized members of Starfleet and the Federation, were caught engaging in petty combat in front of them. We were taken hostage, which is a weird feeling, because I have never been taken hostage before. They took us to a building nearby, in a room full of savages, and brought in Dr McCoy and Mr Spock.

I started thinking out loud: what if my ancestors had been forced out of the cities to live in the woods like these savages, would they become like Indians? Yes. And then I started thinking about Yangs, and how much it sounded like "Yanks", and were these people Yankees? Yes! Spock said that the Kohms were like Communists, and that these people fought the war that the American terrans avoided, and in this case, the Asians won and took over the land. Which means that the Yangs had been fighting to get their land back this whole time. Right on cue, one of the savages brought in a tattered American flag!

The savage that I was locked up with appeared to be the leader of the group, and he stood now and introduced himself as Cloud William, the chief of the Yangs. He turned to the flag, put his hand over his heart, and began reciting a garbled version of the Pledge of Allegiance. I stood up and began reciting it the proper way. This threw all of the Yangs for a loop, as I apparently knew quite a few of their "holy words." They asked how I knew, and I told them that I was descended from a tribe like theirs, and that my people were up in the sky.

Then Tracey decided to throw a monkey wrench in things by telling the Yangs that I had been cast out of the heavens, and that Spock, who answered to me, was my servant, the devil. It was not helped that the Yangs had a copy of the bible, which had a drawing of the devil, and which looked like Spock. To further his argument, Tracey told the Yangs that Spock has no heart. McCoy shouted that Vulcan physiology is different, but Cloud William listened at Spock's chest anyway, declaring that he heard nothing.

They tried to test me, by having me finish reciting a document that Cloud William began reading, but it was in gibberish like before, and it sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it. Tracey encouraged the Yang to kill Spock if I couldn't do it. Concerned for my first officer's boyfriend's life, I suggested a fight between good and evil, because good always triumphs, and okay, I did start this altercation. They tied our hands together and stuck a knife at the other end of the room, a fight to the death.

While I was busy engaging in hand to hand combat with Tracey, Spock used some sort of Vulcan mental voodoo to suggest to the tasty Yang woman that she pick up and open the comm device on the table, which she did. I finally succeeded in getting a hold of the knife, and I held it to Tracey's throat, but I could not kill a Starfleet officer, so I used it instead to cut myself free of him. Mr Sulu and two security Reds appeared in the room, to the astonishment of the Yangs, and explained that they had come to the coordinates of the open comm.

Cloud William was willing to be believe that I was a god, but I told him that I was just a man, and that I had figured out what those holy words meant. He had actually been reading from the Constitution, and I told him that those words were not just meant for chiefs, but for all of the people, including the Kohms. He said that he did not quite understand how but that they were still holy words, and if the holy words said that all people needed to be free, then that's what they would do.

Tracey was arrested, and we all beamed back up to the Enterprise to leave Omega IV.

Remember: Captain Ronald Tracey is guilty of violating the Prime Directive, the murder of one of my crew members as well as thousands of Yangs, and the attempted murder of myself and other crew members. I don't know how this could have happened. I've never seen another Starfleet officer break the Prime Directive for his own benefit before.

Also, Captain James T Kirk is innocent of violating the Prime Directive, of starting all fights but one, and of leering at that Yang woman with the great tits. He is only guilty of restoring freedom to Omega IV and of being good-looking.

Kirk out.

*******

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 1
Red deaths this season: 20
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew this season: 27
Total crew deaths thus far: 44

Plus a whole ship full of Crystal Meth People, but I don't know how many of each, so we'll let it fly here.

Editor's Review: This episode was racist, hackneyed bullshit.

*******

Drinking the third flavor in the Celestial Seasonings fruit sampler, and this week it's Wildberry. I was a bit concerned, if you recall that I don't like berry-mixing, and this one has the questionable illustrated pairing on the package of blackberry and strawberry, which doesn't sound good. But it has a great Kool-Aid scent to it (good Kool-Aid, not crappy Kool-Aid), and again, I was pleasantly surprised at the fruity flavor. The berry combination does not suck. This flavor also has that slightly-nostalgic taste of clear-cellophane Fruit Roll-Up. I'm shocked. I hate mixed berry flavor, yet this was awesome. 10/10. Would drink again.

http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/herbal-teas/wild-berry-zinger

Kitten fight! Pon Farr music!