ST:TNG Season Two, Episode Thirteen "Time Squared"

ST:TNG Season Two, Episode Thirteen "Time Squared"
Production Order: 39
Air Order: 39
Stardate: 42679.2
Original Air Date: April 3, 1989

Our cold open for this week starts in Riker's cabin, where he's preparing a dinner party. (At least, I think it's dinner. This ship runs on three eights, so who knows?) He cracks some eggs in a bowl and whisks them. His guests arrive: Data, Geordi, Worf and Pulaski.
Pulaski has brought a kind of ale to go with the eggs, so I guess maybe it is dinner? You don't drink actual alcohol with breakfast unless you work overnights or are having brunch. Actually, I looked up whether or not beer goes good with eggs, and the article I read recommended a light wheat beer, or coffee stouts, and I don't freaking know, I end up looking up a lot of weird shit in the course of writing this crap, so maybe I should just go with it.
They're having eggs and ale.
Data tells Riker that cooking the eggs himself is inefficient, and Riker agrees that the replicator would have done a fine job, but doesn't allow for nuances of fine cooking. Pulaski puts in that "breaking bread together" as a form of comradery and socialization is something they've gotten away from in the 24th century.
Riker starts to cook the eggs, and even though Pulaski mentioned that they were having omelettes, he scrambles them on a little electric skillet thing. They get to talking, and Riker says that he owes his cooking skills to his father, as his mother died when he was little, and his father hated to cook. Character development: score!
Geordi looks unconvinced that the meal he's about to eat will be any good.
"Where'd you get these eggs?" he asks warily.
"At the last starbase we stopped at," Riker replies. "They're 'Owon eggs."
And apparently, they suck. Everyone takes a No Thank You bite, makes a face, and puts down their fork. Except Worf, who inhales them, and then looks up in surprise.
"They're delicious," he says.
Is the joke that Worf just randomly likes what the others don't; that the Klingon palette is different than the human palette (or the android palette); or that Klingons enjoy gross food?
I dunno.
Riker smiles, clearly not put off by the fact that so many thought the eggs were nasty.
But it doesn't matter, because Picard calls Riker, Data and Worf to the bridge.

Seems Picard has found a shuttlecraft out here in BFE, Space, and there's one humanoid on board. The shuttle has no power, so they'll have to go out and get it to ask whoever that is in there just what the hell they're doing.

Dramatic music! Opening credits break!

Picard's Log 42679.2: "Some rehash, for peeps who got here late and need to know what's going on."

They put the shuttle on-screen when they roll up on it, and it's just out there tumbling in space. They tractor it in. Riker, Worf and Pulaski go to shuttle bay 2.
Riker and Worf make it first. They discuss how a shuttle could be so far out, away from any Federation starbases or ships. Then they read the craft's markings: NCC 1701-D USS Enterprise, Shuttlecraft 05.
The fuck?

Pulaski and her team open the shuttle, and she calls to Riker.
The fuck?

"Captain?" asks Riker.
His comm badge channel opens.
"Sup?" asks Picard, on the bridge.
"Um, get down here," advises Riker. "Also, bring Data, because... I don't know why. Just bring Data."
So Picard comes down with Data and also Troi.
"The fuck?"

Picard looks at Pulaski, who is taking scans.
"What's wrong with him? Why is he unconscious? What's the deal?"
"Dunno," she replies. "Like, his heatbeat is good, but everything else is weird and... off. He's out of phase or something."
"Is he non-human? Artificial?"
"Nope. But I won't know much until we get him to sick bay," she answers, and she and her team hoist the other Picard onto a medical gurney and take him away.

Picard pulls Troi aside.
"Okay, who the hell is that?" he demands.
"You," she says simply.
The look on his face says "cut the shit."
"No, for serious, that's you. My readings are all as messed up as Pulaski's, but it's super you."
Picard instructs Data to get the logs off the shuttle, but Data has no access, because the shuttle has no power. He has to plug it into the E and charge it or something.
Riker smacks his comm badge. "Geordi, get the fuck down here."
"Okey-doke!" replies Geordi.
Then Riker points to what looks like a smear of dirt on the side of the shuttle. "That warp core explosion damage?"
No, it's a smear of dirt.

"Yeah," says Picard. "But like, from far away? Just out of range to take actual damage?"
"LOGS!" Picard barks at Data.
Everybody else leaves as Geordi comes in to join Data.
As Riker passes Geordi, he simply says "lieutenant," but you know he wants to says, "Dude, some shit going down in here!"
Riker and Worf return to the bridge, and Riker tells Worf to put the scanners at max range. He plops down in the captain's chair.

"Man, what the shit?"

Geordi and Data hook the shuttle up to the E, but the shuttle tries to tase Data when he attempts to turn it on.
"It's hooked up right," says Geordi, at a loss.
"Naw, the polarity is all wrong," replies Data.
"What's going on?" wonders Geordi.
"Dunno," Data answers.

Down in sick bay, Pulaski still doesn't have any clue what's going on. She tells Picard and Troi that everything is out of wack.
"Can you wake him up?" asks Picard.
She shoots Other Picard with a stimulant, but it basically kills him. She gives him a sedative instead, and his vitals all go back to the "alive" setting.
"That's fucked up," she remarks.

Data and Geordi have hooked up the shuttle in a way that should blow all of the circuits, but instead, everything turns back on.
"Whoooaaa," says Geordi. "Check out the stardate. It's like, six hours ahead of us." He calls Picard in sick bay. "Dude, the shuttle is six hours ahead of our time. That means Other Picard is too."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "The shuttle and the Other Picard are from six hours in the future. This is hella messed up."

Picard asks Pulaski to wake up Other Picard again. Other Picard wakes up, looks around in terror, but makes no noise or any sign that recognizes anything. Pulaski tries to knock him out again, but Picard asks that she let him stay conscious.
"This is so fucked up," says Pulaski. She looks at Picard. "You okay?"
"Yeah, fine," he replies, unnerved. "Staff meeting in five minutes."
Pulaski says she'll keep her comm open and listen in from sick bay.

At the staff meeting, Geordi announces that he and Data have managed to get some of the logs off the shuttle, and wouldn't you know it, it's not enough to really solve the whole thing... just enough to keep them guessing. Geordi warns them that the first log they have is visual, that it's somewhere in the middle of that six hours, and the video is wonky because they had to get it using a phase inverter.
The video shows footage taken from the back-up cam in the shuttle, of the bay's doors opening, and showing some kind of gaping thing in space. Then we switch back to the drivers seat POV, and see Riker standing in the shuttle bay as it leaves the Enterprise. Then we switch back again, and the video shows the E in the gaping thing, followed by some lightening or something, and the E exploding.

Now Geordi plays the audio of the last log.
"Picard's Log, supplemental: Just watched the E blow up. Everyone who was on board is dead, except for me."

The time stamps are from a little more than three hours in the future, which means the shuttle then moved in the direction of the current E for a little more than 2.5 hours.
"So in about three hours, the E blows up, and we die, and for some weird-ass reason, the captain abandons ship, but not the rest of us," summarizes Geordi.
"Yeah, that's weird," agrees Worf. "Why the hell did he leave?"
"Yeah," says Picard, who looks to be clinging to this one bit of info like it's the one thing that makes sense. "So what's the deal?"
"We're supposed to be in the Endicor system in three days," says Riker. "And there's nothing threatening between here and there."
"There are no other ships, friend or foe, in this area," says Worf.
"I got nothing," shrugs Data. "Not enough info to even guess."

Now comes the part in time-travel shows that I hate: trying to figure out WHEN you are, and what to do about it.
"If there's something between now and then, maybe we should just stop here," suggests Geordi.
"Can't," replies Riker. "We already took the Other Picard and shuttle on board, so we're committed to this sequence of events."
Picard agrees, and Worf brings up Moebius strips. God, what a headache. Please don't be a fucking Moebius strip.
"So we're gonna meet this thing, get blown up, and then the Other Picard in the Other shuttle will get picked up by us six hours later, and we start all over again. Sounds like someones idea of hell to me," puts in Geordi.
Yeah. It's mine. Why the fuck am I watching this episode?
"Okay," says Picard finally. "We can't avoid the future, so we'll just walk right into it. At some point, we'll make a decision that will seem like the right one, but isn't. So we need to watch out for that, and not make the same mistake... once." He flashes a tiny smile.
Riker also flashes a tiny ICWYDT smile.
"Okay, let's figure out what's waiting to kill everyone, cool?"
They all get up to leave.

Riker and Worf return to the bridge. Riker takes the captains chair and looks like he'd rather not.

Picard and Troi return to sick bay.
Pulaski says that she never really noticed how much the body relies on its own internal clock until now, then reveals that the closer they get to aligning to Moment Zero, the better aligned Other Picard's body becomes.
"Sooo... when that happens, there will be two of us?" asks Picard.
"Yep," says Pulaski.
Suddenly, Other Picard starts thrashing violently. Troi does as well.
"He's desperate to leave the ship!" says Troi.

Extremely dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Two hours from meeting up with... us."    

Everyone is on the bridge when Pulaski calls Picard to say that Other Picard is slightly more lucid. He leaves to go to sick bay, and the camera focuses in on Troi, who looks unnerved. After a bit she gets up and follows.
Picard arrives in sick bay. Other Picard looks the same.
"He's better balanced, but I doubt he knows who we are or where he is," says Pulaski.
Picard is angry that Other Picard has no answers for him. He starts yelling at his doppleganger to tell him what mistake he made.
Troi enters. "Quit yelling at him! He won't have your answers. It's like he's looking at us from the other side of a huge chasm."
"This is bullshit!" says Picard. He points at Troi. "Stay with him. You can communicate with him before the rest of us."
He leaves, and Pulaski and Troi argue about how Picard is handling the stress. Troi thinks he's handling it very well, Pulaski not so much. Troi says that Other Picard represents doubt, and hesitating because of that doubt, which she thinks is a healthy thing to worry about, as the captain of a large starship. Pulaski says she's going to watch him, because if it all becomes too much, she has the authority to relieve him. (Technically, Troi has this authority as well.)      
"Bitch, you better not," says Troi.
"I don't wanna, but I may have to," answers Pulaski.
Troi stalks out of sick bay, despite Picard ordering her to stay behind.

There's a brief scene where Picard just goes into the shuttle bay to scowl at the other shuttlecraft for several seconds.                            

Later, Picard and Riker are in the ready room, trying to figure out what the deal is, and how the shuttle ended up back in time six hours. They discuss that slingshot theory that I hate so much, but recall that the shuttle doesn't have warp capabilities, so going beyond warp 10 is not an option here. They bring up The Traveler, and Manheim's experiments with time, but reject both as possibilities. Picard is frustrated. Riker gives him a compliment sandwich.
"Your deal is that you can look at a situation, size it up, then make a preemptive strike," says Riker. "But you can't do that this time, because we're dealing with time instead of a person or thing."
Picard Angry-Sarcastic Moment: "You're saying I should just sit down, shut up, and let it happen."
Riker (smiling): "I wouldn't exactly put it that way."
But they won't have to wait after all, because the ship rocks then, and Worf pages them to the bridge.
"An energy vortex opened beneath us without warning," says Worf.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "I guess I should say something here, but really the only thing to say is that some thing grabbed us."

"The thing is holding us with like, a tractor beam on steroids," says Data at the science station.
Geordi calls to say that engines are holding them in place and trying to keep them from being dragged down, and they're at 30 % already.
"Get up here," Picard answers.
Troi approaches them. "So there's a consciousness here, not like intelligence, but instinct, maybe? It's trying to figure out if we're a life form."
"Let's investigate," announces Picard.
Riker agrees.
"Wait, what if that was where we fucked up all of the shit?" backtracks Picard.
He and Riker go back and forth as to which decision is the better one.
Geordi arrives, and Picard tells them that they need to get the hell out of Dodge, like yesterday.

Geordi puts the pedal to the metal, but they go nowhere. They all listen to the engines fighting the whatever-it-is, but nothing doing. Geordi reports engines being at 90%, and Riker reminds Picard that the ship can't take that kind of pressure. They shut the engines down, and get slowly pulled in backward. Geordi turns the engines back on, but has them running at warp seven to keep them from getting sucked in completely.
"Let's launch a probe," says Picard.
They do, and some lightening bolt inside the thing shoots it down.
And oops, now the thing sends a lightening bolt to zap both Picards at once.
"Ow," says Picard, getting up.
Riker orders Worf to arm the torpedoes, but the thing zaps Picard again.
"It was focused on the whole ship before, but now it just wants you, soooo..." Troi tells Picard.

"What if I get in a shuttle?" Picard asks. "Will it go after me and leave the ship alone?"
"I think so," says Troi.
Picard heads for the lift.
"You're leaving?" demands Riker.
"Might be a Moebius strip," says Picard. He leaves the bridge.
Troi follows.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard goes to sick bay.
"I need to leave the ship," says Other Picard.
"Okay," says Picard. He instructs Pulaski to lift the restraints she's placed on Other Picard, then gives the order for all personnel to leave shuttle bay 2.
Picard follows Other Picard down the corridor, asking him questions. Other Picard basically tells him over and over again that the vortex thing wants him, and that there isn't another way to do this - he has to leave the ship.

"But you had another choice," Picard insists. "What was it?"
"It would never work."
They reach the empty shuttle bay, and Other Picard opens the doors so he can leave.
"What was the choice?" Picard demands. "We can't go forward. It would destroy the ship."
"No," agrees Other Picard. "We can't go forward."
He goes to get into the shuttle, and Picard calls his name so he'll turn around.
"Before we can go forward, the cycle must end." And Picard shoots Other Picard square in the chest.

Then he calls Pulaski to to the shuttle bay and leaves.
Pulaski and O'Brien show up. they see dead Other Picard and Pulaski does a quick scan. She then turns and just... leaves, leaving O'Brien there by himself.

Picard returns to the bridge, where he says that trying to escape is just draining energy, so they need to turn and fly straight down into the center of the vortex.
They all kind of turn and look at him, because why the hell would that be the answer?
So they fly down the center, and for some reason they get spit out the other side.
I... hello? Science?

O'Brien calls the bridge to report that the body of Other Picard and the other shuttle have vanished right in front of him.
"Cool," says Picard.
He leaves Riker in charge and takes off.

A few minutes later, Riker goes into the observation lounge after him.
"What the hell was all that?" Picard asks after a moment of silence.
Riker suggests a solipsistic illusion.
"Maybe he went back in time so we could choose another path," says Picard. "They say if you travel far enough, you'll meet yourself. And now I've done it, and I really don't want to do it again."
Riker smiles, and says he'll be on the bridge, leaving Picard to stare out the window.

Okay, so here's the thing about me: I like time travel stories, but only the ones that are straight-forward. Back to the Future is pretty straight-forward, as is the third installment of that trilogy. BTTF 2 involves back and forth, so not my favorite. Doctor Who is a winner because they go someplace and stay there, have an adventure, then go home. Basically, I don't want to have to take notes on when you are in the timeline, and how many other yous are running around because you yourself can't keep your shit together.
City on the Edge of Forever: A +
Times Squared: C at best.
Along with my personal complaint about time-stricken dopplegangers and crossing timelines like Crossing the Streams, there are some more problems with this episode.
Firstly, nothing happens. Like, they take on an extra shuttle and Picard, but then they spend all episode trying to figure out what's going on and what to do about it. There are no actions taken until the last five minutes. While I have no problem with a talkier episode, they just keep having the same convos over and over here for 45 minutes. "What's going on?" "I don't know."
Secondly, why the fuck would flying through the vortex be the answer? It feels like they pulled that solution out of their butts and it just conveniently worked... because that's exactly what happened. This episode, like "Conspiracy" and "The Neutral Zone" was supposed to lead into another episode, in this case episode 16, which features Q (sorry, spoilers). Maurice Hurley indicated that he meant for Q to have caused them to get stuck in the vortex, but Gene Rod didn't like that, so they turned the ship, and flew straight through the vortex to the other side. Hurley himself admitted that that ending made no sense without Q, but it wrapped up nicely, so it stayed.
Just... this episode is pretty forgettable. It's not fun or funny, and the science doesn't work, and they just keep talking about the same stuff over and over again.
No thanks.


Red deaths: 1 (Featuring Picard as Schrodinger's cat!)
To date: 2

Gold deaths: 0

Blue deaths: 0

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
To date: 1

Sassy Geordi moments: 0
To date: 4

Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 1

Sassy Worf Moment: 0
To date: 3

Sassy Riker Moments: 0
To date: 4

Sassy Picard Moments: 0
To date: 11

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 3
Sassy Data Moments: 0
To date: 4
Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 0
To date: 17

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 1
To date: 14

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date: 1
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 12

Episodes Left Until We Get Rid of Pulaski:

Fun Facts:

- The original title for this episode was "Time to The Second" (or written mathematically with Time and that little 2 that I can't figure out how to type on here). The original title and the one used here both refer to the fact that there are two Picards.

- "Why go back six hours?" Riker asks at one point. "Why not a day or even a year?" Because writer Maurice Hurley was interested in exploring six hours versus the longer period of time that time travel typically encompasses.

- A cut scene at the end featured Riker serving "Alaskan stew" to his dinner party friends, and guess who hated it?

- This is the first time we see the Enterprise-D destroyed. Oops, spoilers.

- The okudagram used in the shuttle was a re-use from the Yamato logs, but the pertinent information was carefully edited into the Blu-ray release version.

- The shuttlecraft is named El-Baz after geoscientist Farouk El-Baz. Rick Sternbach picked the name, not knowing that Rick Berman had worked previously with El-Baz, and the name was approved immediately. Supposedly, El-Baz's kids happened to be watching this episode when it came up and excitedly yelled to their father that the shuttle on Star Trek had the same name as them.

- The El-Baz was the first Type 15 shuttlecraft seen on TNG.

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Twenty-Four "We'll Always Have Paris"

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Twenty-Four "We'll Always Have Paris"
Production Order: 24
Air Order: 24
Stardate: 41697.9
Original Air Date: May 2, 1988

Okay, so that was bullshit.
Pretty much the single second I completed my October project, I catch the plague. Out for the count. As I'm starting to get over said plague (I still, weeks later, have the lingering, hacking cough leftover), I get what I think is food poisoning. Only it wasn't food poisoning, because that also included lingering affects.
This is why I did not post on the 7th or 14th, as I had intended.
"But Lady Archon, could you not have written while sick?"
BAHAHAHAHA!
Friends, this is what my brain looks like with a fever:
I'm lying on the couch, half-dead, and Roomie is talking to me, but I have no voice, so I'm texting her my responses. Uhura runs across the keyboard of my laptop, pausing my Deadpool DVD.
"You can't yell at the cat," my brain reminds me. "You have no voice."
I reach for my phone.
"No, no," chimes in the brain. "You can't text the cat, either. You don't have her phone number."
I don't have her phone number. I don't. Have. Her phone number.
Wow thanks, brain. That's almost as helpful as the time you tried to tell me that my tea tasted like toys and candy.

*******

Picard's Log 41697.9: "Heading for some shore leave. Been trying to get myself some down-time ahead of it."

We're treated to a scene of a couple of fencers engaged in a fight, and we have no idea who they are, because we can't see behind their masks. One person takes a hit and both masks come off. One is Picard, and the other is some unknown that Picard refers to as "lieutenant." The lieutenant has scored the point against Picard, and I can't help thinking, "That dude is brave - who the hell would agree to competing against the head honcho, especially given that this guy is a little better than Picard?" So the lieutenant tries to apologize, but Picard waves him off, because the lieutenant's shit is legit.
I kind of like that. It's a tiny bit of character development. Picard gives credit where credit is due.
Anyway, they go at it again, and Picard manages a hit. They end the fight. The lieutenant attempts to very carefully kiss Picard's ass.
"Interesting move, sir. What technique was that?"
"The technique of a desperate man."
Then, their actions are slowed down, and the convo repeats itself verbatim.
Picard looks at the lieutenant. "Was that kind of fucked up?"
"It was," replies the lieutenant.

Picard goes to the bridge in his fencing clothes. Riker tells him they experienced the same thing, like a two-second repeat in time. Worf says other decks have reported the same thing, and Data states that it also affected the computer system, which means that it actually happened, and was not a weird thing that just affected the crew.

Worf picks up an automated distress call from Dr Paul Manheim. Picard sits up and takes notice at this name, then orders Geordi to take them to coordinates mentioned.

"Do you think this is connected to that time lapse for a few minutes ago?" Riker asks him.

That's kind of a reach, Star Trek. Riker is clearly not familiar with that name or the time anomaly that just happened, but somehow he thinks that Picard thinks that they're linked? I mean, they are, but there's no way for him to have to any evidence to put those things together, just by the look on Picard's face. And frankly, Picard could have been frowning at just the distress call.

Picard answers, "I do. Fifteen years ago, Dr Manheim left Earth with some other scientists. They were going to do experiments on non-linear time. Looks like they were successful."

NOW, Star Trek. NOW would be a good place to insert Riker's question. AFTER he's gotten some exposition.

Anyway, dramatic music! Opening credits!

Ugh, I forgot. Cold-hearted bitches intentionally left Denise Crosby's name in the opening credits for the remainder of season one. "Don't forget! We killed somebody in the worst episode ever!"

When we return, Geordi announces that it's a four-and-a-half hour trip to get to the place where the distress signal originated, and Picard calls on Data's massive positronic brain to give exposition to the bridge crew on Manheim.

Seems that Manheim was considered brilliant in the scientific community, and had several cool theories on time, but none were widely accepted.

Picard then adds that Manheim was teaching at the university in Paris while he was there, but he never met the man. Picard is fidgety, and excuses himself to go change out of his fencing clothes.

Troi catches him on his way into the lift. She says he seems emotionally all over the place, and was triggered by Manheim's name. She offers to talk to him professionally in the time before they reach the coordinates where the distress signal was coming from.

He blows her off. He's captain. Captains don't need safe spaces and shit.

Instead, he decides to go to the holodeck, and he tells the computer that he wants to go to a certain cafe in Paris, as it would have appeared twenty-two years earlier. He checks out the view from the cafe's balcony, a sweet matte painting with some shuttles flying by. (I can't be certain if those shuttles were models filmed during the original run, or if they were digitally added later, as I believe the TNG episodes on Netflix are all digital remasters.)

Picard ends up telling the maitre d' that he was supposed to have met a girl at this cafe twenty-plus years ago, and he never showed up. He kind of always imagined that she had, but he never bothered to check. The maitre d' says he will bring Picard something to drink while he watches the scenery and thinks.

That diamond shelf in the background came out of Kirk's apartment in
Wrath of Khan. It also appears in Troi's quarters in Encounter at Farpoint.

The focus shifts, and we listen briefly to an argument at the next table: the girl in pink is in the same boat as Picard's girl twenty years ago, and her friend insists that some guy isn't going to show. Pinky is certain that this guy will show, and her friend gets frustrated and leaves. Pinky catches Picard watching her.

"Why the hell are you staring at me?"

"You remind me of someone, sorry."

Pinky says out loud what her friend had been saying all along: that her dude was probably not coming. She then laments that she might have done something to "drive him away."

Picard, being "that guy" in another time, suggests that maybe her guy was afraid of commitment, or that he didn't know what he wanted because he was young.

Pinky looks at him like she can't quite believe this shit. Who's this old dude, telling her that her guy is afraid of commitment because he's young?

Picard gets mad at himself for engaging in "self-indulgence," and leaves.

You know, I gotta wonder at the holodeck, placing Pinky and her friend there with the same problem as Picard has right at that moment. Does this technology have the ability to figure out a person's problems, and then manifest a way for that person to work through those problems? I mean, Yar demonstrated earlier that a self-defense program could anticipate attacks and alter the program slightly to match its human counterpart - could an program be written where the NPCs anticipate what that other person needed, and then provide it? Here, probably not. It's most likely a coincidence. But a program like that could be really beneficial to someone like Troi.

Picard returns to the bridge. Riker reports that they've talked to a ship nearby and a farming colony, and both have said that they've also experienced that brief repeat of time. Riker says the ship captain referred to that moment as a "hiccup." Data butts in to say that this analogy isn't quite correct, and Picard asks what might be better, with interest. But when Data tries to pick a bodily function that would fit the bill, Picard cuts him off with that polite way of telling Data to STFU, as they all use: "That's enough, Data." 

I would like to point out, Picard, that you asked for more information this time.

So they arrive at the coordinates given in the recording, but instead of finding Manheim, there's just another recording, sending them to the far reaches of the galaxy. I guess Manheim is into astral-geocaching or something? So they trek all the way out to the new coordinates (because what choice do they have?), and they end up at some hunk of rock orbiting a binary star system.

They open hailing frequencies, and Picard starts in with his standard, "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise..." but then he switches mid-sentence and goes with "This is the Captain of the Enterprise..."

Geordi and Data exchange looks.

A woman responds, saying it is just the two of them, and that "he's having convulsions." Just to add to the suspense, there's a force field around the hunk of rock that she has to drop in order for the E to beam them out.

Spoilers: she drops the force field.

They beam her and Manheim to sick bay.

Picard goes to sick bay, but at the last moment, asks for Riker and Data to go with him.

So Dr and Mrs Manheim appear on the sick bay floor, and she tells Crusher that he's been convulsing for hours. (Holy shit, hours?) They get him up on the bed, and Picard awkwardly enters sick bay. So now it's clear that he only asked Data and Riker to come with him as his bros, because he appears to want to sink into the floor.

Mrs Manheim smiles at him like her husband isn't possibly dying on the bed behind her, and she says, "I thought that might be you. Always knew you'd come to my rescue."

Really? You don't see him for twenty years, but you expect him to come riding to your rescue?

Riker and Data exchange looks.

Do you know Jenice Manheim? Maybe. That's Michelle Phillips, 25% of the singing group "The Mamas and The Papas." She looks too young for Picard, but I guess she was in her mid-forties here, and Patrick Stewart is only four years her senior, so the timing works.

Anyway, after a brief commercial break, Picard introduces her to Data and Riker, and they go into Crusher's office to talk about all the shit that's going down on this tiny rock.

She tells him that there were a bunch of other scientists working in a second lab on the other side of the planetoid, but there was some accident there a few weeks ago, and everyone died. Now it was just them. Data asks about her husband's work. She says she doesn't totally get it, but explains in layman's terms that Dr Manheim believes that portals can be opened into other dimensions by screwing with time in a certain way. They reveal that brief repeat in time to her, and tell her that it was felt light-years away.

She says she didn't think any of the experiments were dangerous, but says that maybe Manheim did - he put in the force field and a crazy security system, and made her hang out in "a protected room."

Picard says he wants to send some people down to the lab to check it out, but she says that the security system will keep them from going in.

Crusher comes in to say that Manheim is stable, but that she wants to run tests on Jenice. After Mrs Manheim leaves, Crusher tells Picard that Manheim is dying, but she doesn't know why. She gives him a few days until he'll kick the bucket, and says that Picard can't talk to him yet.

Picard, Riker and Data leave sick bay, talking about this new problem. They get into the lift, and then this shit happens:

Both Datas state that they feel no difference or ill-effects. The camera leaves the lift to stand next to the group in the corridor, and the lift door closes. Data uses the term "The Manheim Effect" and says that it is getting stronger.

"Which one was us?" demands Riker.

"Both," replies Data. "That was us on a different timeline, a little bit into the future."

The lift door opens again, and they all peer cautiously inside before getting in to go to the bridge.

Later, Picard is in his ready room, when he is joined by Riker and Data again. They've been studying the planetoid, and report that they discovered the other, destroyed lab on the other side, but there's nothing to be learned there. They also say that there's an energy source coming from the surviving lab, that they think that Manheim has figured out how to harvest the energy from the pulsar star, but that there's no way to confirm any of this without talking to Manheim or going to the lab to check his notes. They discuss the possibility that the security system was tied into the force field, and that Mrs Manheim turned it off when she turned off the force field. Picard tells them to put together a team.

They choose Worf along with themselves, and attempt to beam down. However, the beam goes awry, and they are not able to rematerialize in the lab. The beam just kind of fizzles out.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

A few agonizing seconds go by, with the away team fizzling out between locations before finally solidifying back on the E transporter pad. The chief tells them that they're lucky to be alive.

Down in sick bay, Manheim awakes abruptly and demands to know where he is. Jenice tells him he's on the E, and that he sent a distress signal for someone to come help them. He doesn't remember sending any distress signal, but the dude seems manic at this point. He clutches at Jenice and tells her that he's gone to the other side, that part of him is still there now, and that everything that has happened or will happen was totally worth it.

Picard enters with Data and Troi, and introduces himself. Clealy, the Manheims have discussed Picard, because Manheim knows who he is already. Picard says things are bad. Manheim says they will get worse. He is asked how to stop things, and Picard tells him to talk to Data, an android.

"I know all your stuff," says Data.

"How?" asks Manheim. "I don't even know all of my stuff, and it's my stuff.  Also, the stuff I'm doing now totally makes all of my early stuff obsolete."

"It's cool, I'm an android."

Data fangirls about Manheim's work for a moment, in that way that one kind of expert fangirls to another, talking in jargon, and Manheim guesses that maybe Data does know what he's talking about. He's horrified to find that the time blip has moved beyond the planetoid, and tells them that he and his team opened a crack in the fabric of time, allowing him to slip through.

"It seems that I fucked up all of the shit. We gotta stop it. I'll give you the codes to beam down and get past the security system so you can shut it down."

Picard calls a meeting of the senior officers, and Data, having checked out Manheim's stuff, tells them that he thinks it'll be possible to shut that shit down, but it has to be timed perfectly with another time distortion, or there isn't any point in doing it. He thinks they can predict the timing. Picard assigns Worf to making sure the security measures are completely turned off.

Door opens. Not another senior officer, but Jenice Manheim.

"I was told I could find you here."

Um, yeah. But you're interrupting a meeting.

Excuse much. Rude or anything?

Picard declares that the meeting is over, and that she isn't intruding, and I guess old friends of the captain can just go wherever they want on this ship for whatever reason. Maybe next she'll wander down into Engineering and play with the dilithium crystals.

Okay, I'll stop bitching. This scene is actually really well done.

Everybody leaves so Picard can have a private chat with Jenice. She gets right to the point:

Jenice: Why didn't you come to meet me that last day in Paris?

Picard: ... I was afraid.

Jenice: (scoffs) I didn't want this.

Picard: What?

Jenice: The truth.

Picard: Oh, you want me to lie.

Jenice: Of course. A nice soft, painless lie.

Picard: Oh, I got the days confused. I thought it was Tuesday when it was Wednesday. I went to the Cafe Moulin instead of the Cafe des Artistes.

Jenice: Ah, that's better. It was raining, and you couldn't find a cab.

Picard: Mm-hmm.

Up until now, their conversation has been light and breezy, and there's less Captain Picard and more Jean-Luc. Because here's the thing: Patrick Stewart plays Picard in a certain way, a way that tells you that Picard is always cognizant of who he is in comparison to who he is speaking with. We only ever see Captain Picard, or just Picard. Even when he lets his guard down when he's speaking frankly with Riker, the crew member he seems closest with, there is still a tiny sense of formality. He's aware the whole time that he is Riker's superior.

But here, he's Jean-Luc, that twenty-something kid that skipped town two decades ago. Jenice Manheim represents something we rarely get to see in relation to Picard: he's vulnerable. He feels guilty for walking away and never contacting her again.

The first half of the conversation is airy. They are joking, and Picard lets his guard more than usual. I think it's a combination of good acting and good writing, but it's believable.

They continue on, and the conversation gets a little heavier:

She did wait all day for him at the cafe, and then she checked with Starfleet Headquarters, but he'd already shipped out. And he admits, again, that he was afraid of meeting her, and changing his mind about leaving with Starfleet, and staying behind, and becoming complacent.

She guesses that his biggest fear was that staying with her would have made him ordinary, and he actually laughs in this really genuine way.

"You're wonderful. And am I that transparent?"

Down in sick bay, Crusher is scanning Manheim when Troi comes in.

Troi asks how Manheim is doing, and Crusher starts to respond that he's about the same, but then she guesses that Troi has not shown up to ask about the scientist.

Troi follows Crusher into the office. Crusher desperately tries to do some busy-work to avoid having That Conversation with Troi, while Troi insists.

"I can't compete with a ghost from his past," Crusher says firmly before exiting back into sick bay.

(Hint: this scene mostly exists to remind you of the will they- won't they subplot present with all Picard-Crusher episodes.)

Later, Manheim calls Picard down to sick bay to talk to him alone. He starts giving Picard some cover story about how he couldn't remember all of the codes to shut off the security system completely.

"Also, I want to talk to you about my wife."

"Dude, seriously?" balks Picard. "Be professional."

"I want you to take care of her, in case something happens to me," says Manheim.

"Oh. Okay, that's cool," replies Picard.

Wait, are you kidding me? An old girlfriend you haven't seen in twenty years rolls into town or whatever, and her husband asks you to take care of her after hanging out for like, ten minutes? Would you honestly agree to that? Like, even if the husband wasn't dying? I don't know about you, but there's no way in hell I'd "take care of" my ex from twenty years ago.

Oh, wait. There's more.

Now Picard is suddenly the Manheims' couples therapist, because Manheim starts telling Picard that Jenice has been unhappy for the last few years while he's steadily becoming a workaholic, living in the middle of nowhere.

Again, I'm thinking about the spouse of my ex, telling me about their marital problems. 

No. Fuck off.

Manheim starts crying about how he doesn't deserve Jenice, and Picard is like, "No, I'm out," and he takes off.

Picard and Data are walking through the corridor, discussing the away mission. Picard tells Data that he wants him to go alone, that he doesn't think they should risk anyone else.

"Oh, that's cool," says Data. "I get it. I'm a machine, so I'm dispensable."

Picard realizes that what he's said was phrased in such a way as to come off whatever the android version of racist is. He back-peddles.

"Okay, no. Let's try this again. I don't think you're dispensable. Just the opposite. But in this case, I want it to be just you, because you ride out the time distortions better than your human crewmates."

Data agrees with this assessment, so now he's the only guy going on the away mission.

Data beams over, where he discovers that there are parts of the security system that Manheim forgot to mention. He pulls out some Bond moves getting away from lasers. (Sadly, I did not see any ill-tempered sea bass.) He leaves his comm badge open so the bridge crew can hear him get carved up by the lasers. Data manages to phaser the security system and get into the lab.

And now, my favorite sound effect description of season one TNG:

WTF does a chiming roar sound like? you may ask. Like a roar of loud-ass chimes. I know that sounds like a dumb tautology, but that description is actually pretty apt for that sound.

Backstage, writing the closed-captioning:

Writer 1: "How should I describe this sound?"

Writer 2: "Hmmm... a chiming roar?"

W1: "What the fuck is a chiming roar?"

W2: "...that."

Man, I love closed captioning.

So Data is now in the lab with these huge sheets of glass (which are engaged in a chiming roar), and they're sort of rotating. Not spinning, but like, moving around one another (which is causing the chiming roar). That's the thing that's fucking up all of the shit. Data checks the computer and says that it predicts there will be another time distortion in 90 seconds. He has to dump anti-matter into the roaring, chiming glass panels or something.

"Will that plug the hole?" asks Picard, because we've determined that the shape of the thing is now a hole instead of a crack. Or maybe we're just fishing for analogies. Whatever.

"I guess?" replies Data.

Man, if Data doesn't know, you could be screwed.

So he's talking to the others on the comm badge (because how else are we gonna get that exposition?), and he tells them that when the time distortion comes up again that it'll open that crack to the other dimension, and then he has to pour the anti-matter in to seal it back up.

He goes to another station and takes out a canister using a pair of tongs because Manheim just randomly keeps anti-matter in his lab.

Data requests a 27-second countdown from Geordi, which he is granted. The countdown has a weird echo as time distorts around Data, and oops. Now there's three of him.

"Fuck," says the Data on the dais. "Which one of us is supposed to drop this shit in the hole?"

The three Datas all think for a moment while Geordi's voice continues its echo-y countdown.

Then Star Trek makes a pair of snafus in one sentence.

"Me!" yells the Data in the middle. "It's me!"

Firstly, this group of Datas seems awfully emotive. We know that Data is not supposed to be emotive, because he hasn't reached this stage of development yet. I mean yeah, Data could conceivably destroy life as we know it by doing this incorrectly, and I get that that's stressful and everything, but androids do not emote, even when doing stressful things. Their roller coaster of life contains no hills or valleys, just straight road.

Secondly, Data uses a contraction here: "It's me!" Since determining that Data is not advanced enough to use contractions (one of the differences between himself and Lore), Star Trek has been pretty consistent about always giving Data lines that contain no contractions. If you see them here, it's because I'm paraphrasing and dicking around. Contractions actually spoken by Data stick out like sore thumbs.

Come on, Star Trek. Pay attention.

So Data #2 determines that he is in the correct time stream, and he steps forward and dumps his anti-matter into the crack-hole. (That's...that's just wrong. It even feels wrong typing it.) There's a bright flash of light, and then all of the chiming-roaring glass slabs disappear with the extra Datas, and he's just left standing on the dais.

"Are you there?" asks Picard. "Is it closed?"

"Um, it's patched," says Data. "But closed? Eh, that's not something I can promise."

"Close enough," shrugs Picard. "Beam back, please."

Down in sick bay, Manheim has made a full recovery. He tries to describe to his wife what The Other Side is like, but he doesn't have the words. She is hesitant to go back to the lab, but he talks her into it. Picard tells Manheim that the Federation will probably want to help them.

Read: "You kind of fucked up all of the shit here, Manheim. The Federation will probably send you some scientists to work by your side to ensure that you don't almost destroy the universe again."

Anyway, the Manheims are all lovey-dovey again, and Picard sees that he probably won't be getting any on the side, especially as they're going back to that hunk of rock in the middle of nowhere.

A little later, Troi shows Jenice to the holodeck, and she enters into a program that is already running. Surprise, it's the cafe! They have champagne, and he says he wanted to say goodbye for realsies this time.

She responds by saying that she expects him to "always come charging to my rescue." Sooo, not your husband, then? He's not allowed to "rescue" you? It needs to be the guy who ditched you 20 years ago? Girlfriend: it is the 24th century. Rescue your own damn self.

They say their official goodbyes, and she leaves the holodeck.

Picard returns to the bridge sometime after they've dropped the Manheims back on their rock. He remembers that they're supposed to be going on shore leave. (Why the hell does all of this stuff crop up shortly before they're due for shore leave? Like, every time?) He has Geordi set in the coordinates for the planet they'll be visiting, and then settles in for the ride.

Riker starts chatting about some bar on this planet where they make some kind of cocktail. (Narrows it down, dude. Thanks.)

But Troi knows where he's talking about, and offers up a nearby landmark as a way to find it again.

"It's called the Blue Parrot Cafe," says Picard. "And you're buying," he adds to Troi.

Red deaths: 0

Gold deaths: 0

Blue deaths: 0

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 0

Sassy Wes Moments: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 0

Sassy Riker Moments: 0

Sassy Yar Moments: 0

Sassy Picard Moments: 0

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 1

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 2

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 1


Fun Facts:
- The maitre d' is the only TNG actor to have a French accent whose first language is actually French. (Everybody else was faking.)

- Some of the writers wanted Picard to hook up with Jenice over a commercial break, but they were shot down by other production workers and Patrick Stewart. Good thing, too. Picard hook up with a married woman? Tacky.
- The name of this episode comes from the movie "Casablanca." The mention of "The Blue Parrot Cafe" was another callback to that.
- An early shot from this episode actually features the arm of Tasha Yar in the background.

- Listed on the cafe menu: Tribbles in a blanket and Antimatter Flambe.
- Filming had to be shut down on this episode so that the ending could be written, as this episode had been affected by a writer's strike in 1988.

Lord, can we talk about Jenice Manheim's outfit here?

Holy shit, dude.
Costume designer 1: "You know how, in the future, everybody thinks that we'll all be wearing unisex silver unitards and boots?"
Costume Designer 2: "Yeah?"
CD1: "What if we do that, but instead of the stretchy spandex, we make everything billowy? Also, kind of holographic. And the shirt should be a front panel, a swingy panel with a dropped neckline in back, and some billowy sleeves. But no sides. Michelle Phillips is in her forties, so I want to see some side-boob, but it needs to be tasteful side-boob. Like, church side-boob."
CD2: "There's no such thing as church side-boob."
CD1: "Then figure it out, and invent it. This is Star Trek: somebody needs to be showing side-boob, but it can't be any of our main ensemble, because we have to show that we respect women by not showing any of their side-boob. Only guest side-boob will do. Oh, also, her boots should be suede and not quite match her outfit, and even though we're putting her completely in cool colors and pastels, she should be wearing really bright red lipstick."
CD2: "Tasteful side-boob and clown lipstick. Got it."


So let's cut to the chase here: like a lot of season one, this episode is forgettable. Not great, not mind-bogglingly awful, just forgettable. It has good points and bad, and they're all linked..
Good points:
- The science fiction part is actually pretty interesting. A dude moves to the middle of nowhere to experiment with time, but something goes awry, and he accidentally opens a rift in it, causing himself to partially slip through and be in both places at once. That's pretty good. Worth exploring.
- The scene in the observation lounge between Jenice and Picard actually rang pretty true for me. I believed that he was on friendly terms with this woman, and I liked to see that looser version of Picard, the one where he feels comfortable enough to joke with someone else.
Bad points:
- The science was the B-plot instead of the A-plot. The sci-fi was interesting, but went nowhere because we were too busy focusing on whether or not Picard could survive an encounter with an ex.
- With the exception of the observation lounge scene, I wasn't sure I ever fully bought the idea that Picard and Jenice were a couple. I bought her with Manheim, though. Their brief scenes worked well.

Bottom line: not enough sci-fi, which was buried under a Picard romance. I do not like Picard romances. It is not helped by the fact that I ship Picard and Crusher, as the writers want us to do, and it is also not helped by the fact that Picard is a difficult character to write romances for. The person at the top is typically set up as being alone, because it's a bit of a truism that it's lonely at the top. Why did we need a Picard romance at all? It swallowed the sci-fi whole, which was the more interesting plot of the two.

*******

Teeny Zealand