ST:TNG Season One, Episode Sixteen "11001001"

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Sixteen "11001001"
Production Order: 16
Air Order: 15
Stardate: 41365.9
Original Air Date: February 1, 1988

Picard's Log 41365.9: "My ship is the flyest ship in space, and all y'all's got to respect. Going to get some overhauls and shit done, so everyone in dry dock can check out my sweet ride."

They make a big deal out of guiding the ship into the docking area on the starbase, and some shots are reused from the first episode, when the E was also in dock. (Good job, Budget.) Picard thanks his bridge crew for doing a bang-up job, and his grateful tone and words almost make it sound like they're all going their separate ways, rather than getting some shore leave. It's a bit weird, but whatever.
Picard and Riker go down to the airlock to greet Commander Quinteros, the dude who will be seeing to the overhaul. Quinteros has a legion of gold jumpsuits with him, as well as two smaller dudes who look very much like the Talosians from TOS' "The Cage/ The Menagerie."

Quinteros remarks that the E is a week late for their overhaul, and Riker says they were delayed. He gives the name of a place, and I guess we could extrapolate from that that the name of the outpost that they were supposed to be defending from the Romulans was called that. It isn't really explained, and they probably don't want us to be paying too much attention to timelines, which mostly says that the showrunners hadn't been paying a whole lot of attention with TOS, when they developed the nerdiest, nitpickiest, most pedantic fandom on Earth. Of course the fandom is paying attention. Get your shit together, Star Trek.
Quinteros asks if there are any problems to report with the ship, and Picard starts jacking off to how awesome his ship is. His enthusiasm for this subject almost matches that of Scotty. Quinteros then also jacks off in congratulating himself for being in charge of the E's construction in the first place, and he takes credit for Picard's obvious delight in the ship.Then, without washing their hands, they clap one another on the back in solidarity and brotherhood. This conversation is kind of creepy and self-congratulatory for no reason.
Riker, squicked out, changes the subject to the pink guys.
Quinteros says the pink guys are not guys, or gals, they're the Bynars, and they're "a unified pair." Their names are One-Zero and Zero-One.
They are also super-stoked to be working on this, "the largest mobile computer" in existence.
Picard tells them that they only have 48 hours to get their shit done, because they have to be somewhere after that. The Bynars aren't happy to hear this, but agree to get the work done in that amount of time.

Picard and Riker tell them that they're staying on the ship in case they need anything, but Quinteros, who thinks highly of himself, insists that they won't need anything until final inspection.
They leave so Riker can give the world's most awkward exposition: "The Bynars seem perfect for this job, even though I've never met this race."
No... Star Trek, don't do that... don't take two kinds of exposition and try to make them one. And if you are going to attempt that, at least reverse the order. "I've never encountered this race before, but I think they may be perfect for this job," makes more sense.
Picard throws out more natural exposition here about how the Bynars have, over the centuries, developed a language that's really similar to Binary, and that they commune with the computer on their homeworld.
Because the script calls for everyone to talk about how orgasmically awesome this ship is, Riker remarks that it will be interesting to see how the Bynars improve upon the already fantastic performance of the ship's computer.
They get in the lift.
You know how, when you watch something once or twice, with a sizeable space in between, you might not notice something that keeps happening? But then you watch it like, five times over the course of a week because maybe you write a ridiculous blog, and things begin to seem not only glaringly obvious, but also really, really annoying?
Yeah. Everybody has a hard-on for this ship. Also, the last one. Is every ship in the universe named Enterprise the Bestest Ship EVAR, or has Gene Rod been slipping us all Enterprise-flavored meth?

"Isn't this the best ship ever, Riker?"
"It is indeed, sir. Everyone should have one."

They talk about their down-time plans in the lift. Picard is going to chill with a book. Riker is going to wander the ship, because even though he knows he's off the clock, he can't figure out what to do with himself when he's just Will, and not Commander Riker.
So there's a weird continuity thing here. Presumably, Picard and Riker left Engineering and the two Bynars and got in the lift to go directly to the bridge. But when they get off the lift at the bridge, the Bynars are already there and working in a panel with two other Bynars. Did they take Jeffries tubes? Like, quickly? How did they get to the bridge before Picard and Riker? They've been there long enough to have disassembled some stuff and also to have earned the careful gaze of Wes.
Picard tells Riker again how he's done "good work" before disappearing into his ready room. Crap, are they all getting laid off at the end of this episode?
Riker sidles up to Wes. There are now four Bynars working, and I guess he thinks that's strange?
"We needed two more buddies to help us met your deadline," they explain when Riker grills them.
This makes sense, Riker. Let it be.
But now the Bynars are getting jumpy, and he calls them on it. Wes wisely suggests that maybe that's just the way another species acts, but Riker tells him to keep an eye on the Bynars anyway. He leaves, and the two new Bynars give Wes some side-eye before the opening credits roll.

Riker encounters Yar, Worf and two others, who are going to the starbase to play Parrises Squares. Yar asks him to join them, but he declines. Worf gets a whopping two lines in this scene when he gets into a tiff with Riker about how the game is not about winning:
"If winning is not important, then Commander, why keep score?"
Point: Worf.
Yar's Sassy Moment: "I think he's pulling your leg. Believe it or not, Worf is developing a sense of humor."
Next, Riker visits Data's quarters, where Geordi is encouraging his friend to paint. They are running an experiment to see if Data can experience pure creativity, and Riker tells them to take notes.
Riker Sassy Moment: "A blind man teaching an android how to paint? That's got to be worth a couple of pages in somebody's book."

Because this episode is called "Riker is Bored" he wanders into sick bay to see what everyone is doing there. Crusher is packing a bunch of her stuff because a professor she admires, Dr Epstein, is on this starbase, and she wants to compare notes with him. She's fangirling because this dude gave a lecture when she was in medical school. He asks who this guy is, and it's like he joined an online Star Wars forum and asked who Han Solo is. She stalks across her office, giving him the stink eye, and tells him that "he's the leading mind in cybernetics." Duh, Riker.
She leaves quickly.

"What do you mean, who is Chewbacca? How could you not know Chewbacca?!"

Riker encounters a pair of Bynars outside of the holdoecks. They tell him that they've repaired the damage done (the Jaradan scan that fucked up all of the shit in "The Big Goodbye") and that they've added "enhancements." The Bynars offer him a free sample.

Realizing that he has nothing else to do, he agrees and selects the Bourbon Street Bar in New Orleans, circa 1958, around 2 am. He requests a band so he can play along, and one appears, along with a trombone for him to play.

He's impressed, and asks for a very tiny audience. This chick appears:

"Nice!" says Riker. "But blondes and jazz don't mix."

WHAT? All this time, I've been mixing blondes and jazz, and no one told me?!

So the computer pulls up this girl instead:

Riker again approves, but wants someone more "sultry." Damn, this guy is picky. It reminds me of dating sites and porn. People like what they like, and they'll wade in through all of the "almosts" until the find just the right one. You know that somewhere out there is a hentai enthusiast who has strong opinions on tentacle girth and number of suckers.

However, gonna forgive Riker here because holy shit.

The holodeck does not fuck around, y'all.
Plus, girlfriend gets herself a Sassy Moment right off the bat:
Riker: "What's your name? Tell me you love jazz."
Her: "My name is Minuet, and I love all jazz, except Dixieland."
Riker: "Why not Dixieland?"
Minuet: "You can't dance to it."
I kind of like Will's next cheesy line as well: "What's a knock-out like you doing in a computer-generated gin joint like this?"
He's pretty smooth about it, but I can imagine gawky teenage boys attempting to repeat that line to actual girls and failing hard.
Minuet addresses him by name, though she hasn't been told his name by him. This whole time, the two Bynars at the door have been watching and making small adjustments to the holodeck controls. Now they leave.
No dramatic music, just the jazz in the background. Commercial break.

Up on the bridge, Wes asks the Bynars about the high-pitched sound they are making while working. They reply that it's their primary language, and that they store information they get and save it until they need it later, which is how they can process info so fast. They reveal that they evolved these skills over a long period of time, and when he marvels at how many advantages they must have being so intimately connected to a computer, they reply that it also comes with disadvantages as well.
Picard enters the bridge and inquires about Riker. Wes offers to call him from the holodeck, but Picard says he'll just go get Riker himself.
Does that seem like a major violation of privacy to anyone else? Like, Riker could be getting down with Minuet behind the bar. Just call him over his comm badge. That's why it exists.

Riker plays the trombone with the band while Minuet watches. The bass player tells Riker that Minuet digs him. 

"Maybe she likes the way I play," says Riker coyly.

"About that," says the piano player. "Don't quit your day job."

WHAT? Two NPC Sassy Moments? Clearly, this is a quality program.

Riker tells Minuet that he has to go see to his duties now, and she asks him for one dance before he goes. He agrees, and they discuss how important his work is to him while they slow dance.

There's an interesting sort of meta moment here where he talks about how "real" she is, how he likes her scent and how she anticipates his dancing so she knows what move to make next. He ends by telling her how real she is again, and she responds with "...thank you." She genuinely means it, too. She's a holodeck image and is aware of it. Has that ever happened before? Will it ever happen again? I think the answer to both is "no."

Of course it goes where you think it does, with Riker dancing around the idea of sleeping with her. He's like Quark's dream customer right now. Or Dr Krieger's new bestie.

Minuet confirms that if he wants to bang her, he may do so. This is treading awfully close to weird, friends. How sentient is Minuet? Is it close to android sentience? If she later tells him no, couldn't he just reprogram her to say yes? I guess it's moot because she has already agreed, but she was probably programmed to say so in the first place.
Anyway -
They're making out when they get cock-blocked by Picard, who wanders in.
He realizes right away that he walked in on something, as Minuet wipes lipstick from Riker's mouth.
Riker says it's fine, and they all chat pleasantly. Minuet picks up on Picard's first name, and speaks to him in perfect French. He marvels at the program's ability to adapt and create ambiance. They have another meta moment where they all discuss how awesome this particular program is. At these times, Minuet seems to be accepting compliments both on behalf of herself, and the holodeck.

In Data's cabin, he puts one final stroke on his painting, then steps away, his back to the glass (dude is painting on glass). Geordi asks what he's doing.
"I am awaiting inspiration," says Data grandly.
I laugh out loud. Bitch, that is not how it works. You're gonna be standing there forever. The Muse does not just show up when you text her. She likes to wait until you're doing other shit. Like sleeping. Or when you're trapped in a Port-A-Potty at a music festival on a hot day. Waiting in line at the club store to buy your 100-pack of toilet paper. Or anywhere that's nowhere near a pen and paper. Basically, at the most inconvenient time and place EVAR.
I guess Data could conceivably wait a lifetime, but everyone in question is saved when Wes pages him.
"There's a problem in Engineering."
"Could you be more specific?"
"I'm afraid not." And then oddly, he is, describing what the problem appears to be. Why did he say "I'm afraid not"? Like, we know it's more complicated than that, but skip the "I'm afraid not" next time.
Anyway, Geordi and Data decide to check it out in Engineering. Geordi tells Wes not to bug Picard or Riker until they figure out what's going on.

They head down to Engineering, and find that the anti-matter containment unit is malfunctioning. Data attempts to call Picard, but no one answers. Basically, the containment unit is going to blow in like, four minutes, and then everyone is going to die. Data tells Wes to call the starbase and tell them that they are abandoning ship because of the containment issue, and that they are telling the ship to fly away from the starbase and any inhabited planets nearby.
"Shouldn't the captain give that order?" asks Wes, who does not seem to be speaking at the same hurried rate as Data. he is not panicked, but Data... is something approximating panic?
"No time," says Data, and he gives the all-call to abandon ship.
Clever Budget re-uses footage of the crew walking quickly and efficiently through the corridors to the nearest exit, footage is grabbed from the first episode.

Skant sighting!

Ship's Log, supplemental: "This is Data. Evacuated the ship, and told it to go way the hell out in space so it can blow up without hurting anyone."

Data plugs in the last of the instructions, then asks the computer where the captain is.
"All decks empty," the computer replies, which is not what Data asked.
Data thinks that's weird, because I guess in the twenty-four century, they still have a version of "captain goes down with the ship" mentality: captain is the last one off. He and Geordi take off with forty seconds to go.
But when they beam onto the starbase, the others tell them that Picard and Riker are not there.
"WTF?" asks Data. "The computer said they weren't onboard!"
They quickly make plans to beam back and look for their senior officers, but someone pages into that section to announce that the containment unit is fine again.
Yar says that's immaterial, as Picard and Riker not answering anyone's calls probably means that they're in trouble.
Also, the ship is still currently leaving the starbase, and no one is running it. It's just moving to the coordinates Data plugged in a  moment ago. The ship backs out of the starbase, then warps the fuck out of there.

There's a weird sort of filler here, and I guess it's being used to also build suspense or something, but we get several shots of the camera traveling down the empty corridors, lights flashing and klaxons blaring, showing us that the ship is still on red alert, racing empty through space.

Back on the holodeck, Riker is telling Minuet about some situation he handled with a couple of kids. She complements him on his skills again, and Picard starts talking to Riker about her as though she wasn't sitting there. Riker is content to enjoy her company, but Picard wants to marvel at how advanced a program she is. Neither Minuet nor Riker seems put off by this, but because she's so "life-like" I'm finding his moments like this to be kind of rude. Has he ever talked about Data like that in front of Data? I know Riker has. He jokingly told some Ferengi that Data was second-hand goods to keep them from trying to buy the second officer. But that seems... different.
Riker talks about her like this as well. She just smiles through the whole conversation, taking in the praise, but not talking in response. Riker admits that he could develop feelings for her, and Picard makes some off-hand remark about how love always starts out with "the illusion [being] more real than the woman." She teases him about having a French attitude about love.

He decides that he's a third wheel, and gets up to leave.
"Don't go," says Minuet. "Stay with us."
Riker Sassy Moment: "Yes, Captain. Staaaay."
Minuet panics, telling him he needs more wine, and asking him to dance with her before he goes.
They both become suspicious when she insists that he can't go yet. They get up and go to the exit, and Minuet kind of freezes in place.
They see that the ship is at red alert and ask the computer what the hell is going on. Majel Barrett replies that the containment for the anti-matter was busted, but is now fixed.
"Um, I'm the captain - how come nobody said anything to me?"
"Dunno," replies the computer.
"Where is everybody?"
"Evacuated."
"Where the hell are we?"
"Headed toward planet Bynaus."
"The Bynars stole my ship?"
"Looks that way," shrugs the computer.
They go back to Minuet, who unfreezes and admits that, when the Bynars saw how taken Riker was with her, they decided to program her specifically to hold his attention. Picard being there was a happy happenstance. She doesn't really know anything else.

Back at the base, the E crew is conferring with Quinteros to come up with a gameplan. Data asks what the nearest starship is, but Quinteros says it's too far away. Then, looking around, our android friend asks where the Bynars are.
"Guess they're still on board," shrugs Quinteros.
Data suggests that they've probably taken the ship to their home planet.

Meanwhile, Picard and Riker stride purposefully down the corridor and into a room marked "Weapons Room."
Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Rehash for everybody who missed the last five minutes of this episode."

Picard and Riker exit the weapons room, now loaded up with... phasers or something. They each only have like one weapon, and you'd think for all that commercial break and dramatic music, they'd have gone into the [booming voice] WEAPONS ROOM for phaser cannons or some shit, but no. Just slightly bigger phasers. Riker starts to head toward the bridge, because they can't establish comm links with the bridge, but Picard wants to go to Engineering to check the anti-matter containment situation... and also turn on auto-destruct.
"The hell?" demands Riker. "Auto-destruct?"
"Well, yeah," replies Picard. "Somebody hijacked our ship for who-knows-what purpose. We should blow it up."
And because Picard is the senior officer, Riker doesn't feel he can tell this guy that that is a gross over-reaction to the situation. He decides to just go along with that shit.
Fucking speak up, Riker. Dude is about to kill you both because he doesn't have any information.

They go into Engineering, and I guess they can just tell that the containment thingy is okay, because that part goes ignored. Instead, they go straight to the pool table console and talk about how they both have to be in agreement about this auto-destruct thing, because neither one can set it alone. Riker points out they'll only have five minutes before the ship blows. Picard says that's enough time to get to the bridge to see what's going on. 

Come the fuck ON. You cannot set that shit from the bridge? Pretty sure you can. Pretty sure Kirk did, unless they've changed it up.

But no: let's call this what it is. This is a Disable the Ship plot device. They have to set the thing, race upstairs, figure out what's going down, then tell the computer not to blow the ship into space dust.

So they set auto-destruct. Riker has to agree, and pauses like a hesitant bride at the altar before saying "I do."

On their way out of Engineering, Riker calls Picard's attention to a screen displaying some odd stuff.

"Looks like someone is trying to store a large amount of information in our computer," says Picard.

Gee, how'd he know that?

Lucky guess!

They discover fairly quickly that the turbo lifts are going to deny them access, and come up with a plan to beam directly onto the bridge, but in opposite locations, so that if the threat on the bridge tries to kill them during re-materialization, there's a chance that the other one will survive.

We switch back to the starbase, where the E crew is still trying to figure out if they can get a ship out to the the E. Worf gets a few more lines, which is fortunate, because sometimes he gets relegated to Set Dressing status, and what's the point in even having Michael Dorn there, in make-up and costume, if you aren't going to use him? He doesn't get to say anything of consequence, which is lousy, but at least he's participating, so that's something. Anyway, Data has a panic moment when he asks if this is his fault, because he might have been able to stop this if he had been at his post instead of painting.
"No. You can't be on the bridge all the time," Geordi comforts him.
"But I can," Data points out. "I don't need to eat or sleep. I can technically be at my station 24/7. I don't need hobbies or outside pursuits."
Yar bluntly tells him that this might have happened even if he was on the bridge the whole time.

Riker and Picard beam to different spots on the bridge and discover... a pile of Bynars, asleep or something. Nope, not asleep, just weak as hell. They croak out "...help... us," before passing out again.
Dramatic music! Commercial break!

So with less than two minutes to go, Picard and Riker cancel the auto-destruct, which was the quickest, lamest Ship Disabling ever. Whoo-hoo, three whole minutes of bonus scariness.

They're in orbit around Bynaus now, and Picard thinks the Bynars on the ship might be dead, so they try hailing Bynaus. Noop. The main computer that runs the planet is down, as is all equipment that ran off it. Riker and Picard guess that all of the people on the surface are probably dying like the ones here.

Out of ideas, they check to see what the Bynars stored in the computer on the E. They get more screens like the one they saw in Engineering, but I guess the universal translator or whatever they use doesn't cover what the Bynars speak or write, so they're flummoxed. They decide that the Bynars had done a core dump from their home planet into the E's computer banks, but they can't access the file.

"Wish they left a note," says Riker.

"Maybe they did," says Picard, and they high-tail it back to the holodeck, possibly using the lifts that were locked just moments before (?).

Minuet, the human Post-It Note, appears to have been paused again when they re-enter the holodeck. 

"Tell us what you know," demands Riker.

She unpauses and drops a load of exposition at their feet: a star in the Bynar system went supernova, and the electrical impulse from it was going to wipe their computer system. So they planned to steal the Enterprise, which had the only mobile computer big enough, then fly it to Bynaus and upload the whole damn thing onto the E. But there were two problems with this plan: one, they miscalculated, and the star went supernova sooner than they expected; and two, the E was a week late in getting to the starbase.

She doesn't know how to get them into the file, or how to access it, or what the password might be, but she says their best plan of action is to get in there, and download the computer files back onto Bynaus. She begs Will to help them, not let them die.

They go back up to the bridge (and yes, they get out of the turbolift, so I guess they figured out how to unlock those), and they call starbase 74. Quinteros is surprised to hear from them. Picard requests to talk to Data.

"Here's the sitch," says Picard, and he dumps some more exposition on Data.

"They're gonna keep that password simple," says Data. "And they do everything in binary, so it's probably gonna be eight or sixteen characters long, all ones and zeroes."

Riker goes to the computer and tells it the parameters to cycle through. I guess the E computer has a program for breaking passwords.

It makes short work of the thing, then comes up with the correct password: 11001001... the names of the four Bynars currently dying on the bridge. But it still won't let them in.

"Idea!" says Picard. "The Bynars work in pairs." And he sits at the console next to Riker's and plugs in the password. This lets them in.

I guess Picard actually can read the Bynars' language, because he's watching the screen and commenting on how the system is incredible, and how the computer on the surface is rebooting, ect.

The Bynars wake up, and smiling, check out the computers.

"Thank you! Everything is going to be fine now. We appreciate your help here."

"Also, we'll go back with you to Starbase 74 to face whatever punishment you want to give us."

"How come you didn't just ask for our help?" asks Picard.

They talk amongst themselves for a moment before turning and giving an answer:

"You might have said no."

Riker is amused. "But we might have said yes."

"The risk was too great," they reason.

And you know what? I really love that answer. Their planet is in danger, so they have to choose: ask permission or beg forgiveness? If they ask permission and the answer is no, then they're screwed. If they steal the E, save the world, then beg forgiveness, they will still have saved the world. And there isn't anything complicated about that. As advanced as the Bynar are, their choices were almost child-like in their simplicity. The plight of the Bynars was easily fixed, but they required a large computer to fix it. And the Federation "might have said no."
Sometimes, the simple plots work the best.
Riker asked why they kept him on the holodeck, and they reply that they needed someone to restore the computer. Given that they need two, it was hella lucky that Picard went looking for Riker on the holodeck.
"Either way," says Picard. "No harm, no foul."
He sits at the conn and pilots the ship back to Starbase 74.

When they arrive, Picard puts everyone to work checking the computer systems. He hands the Bynars over to Yar, to hand them back to Quinteros for a hearing. The Bynars happily go with Yar, knowing that such a thing would happen, and gladly accepting it.
Riker requests to be excused from the bridge, which is granted. he runs back down to the holodeck, but -

Nope, not her.
Wanna see the comparison?

A short-haired brunette in a red dress and diamond jewelry, but decidedly not Minuet.

A rather dejected Riker makes his way back onto the bridge and tells Picard that Minuet is gone, that he tried a bunch of variations on the program, but that none of the women that appeared were her.
"Probably for the best," says Picard, implying that sleeping with a hologram is not a great course of action.
"Yeah, I guess,"agrees Riker, who clearly would have liked to give it a shot, anyway. "But she'll be difficult to forget."

This is one of my favorite episodes of season one (one of Jonathan Frakes', too). The plot was good, the science fiction aspects were good, the alien of the week was good, the Girl-O-Vision girl was great.
The Bynars were a fantastic little "frenemy" species, kidnapping the E for what would turn out to be a self-less mission. I think their species is interesting, and I'm kind of sad that we won't see them again. I like that they seem to have made their computer-based society work for them, as opposed to all of the other computer-run planets we've seen, where the computer breaks down and everything descends into chaos. Also, I like that they do everything as a pair, use their own language when talking to one another, and finishing each other's sentences. Wish they had been featured again.
The thing that seals the deal for me (and probably most people) is Minuet. The actor who plays her really went the extra mile to get not only Riker and Picard to fall for her, but the audience as well. She really sells it, and you're disappointed when Riker goes back to the holodeck and she's disappeared. There's a fantastic sci-fi element in that, where the Bynars program this girl into the holodeck to respond to Riker in such a way that even the audience ships it. You know they were probably standing there, watching the two of them on the holodeck, and telling the computer, "more flirting," but you really don't care. She's a tool that went beyond her use.
She also furthers the question of complications in relationships with non-humans. Sure, Riker can sleep with her, but he also admits that he could "develop feelings for her." We've already done a bit of exploring with androids, and how real or not real they might be as far as relationships go, but this is the first time that we've really asked, "Is it okay to fall for a hologram?"
That's good sci-fi, yo.


Fun Facts:

- Like the Talosians, the Bynars are played by female actors whose voices have been lowered to sound more androgynous.
- Gene Dynarski, who plays Quinteros, also played Ben Childress, one of the miners who takes Eve (one of "Mudd's Women" on TOS) as a wife.

-He was also Krodak in "The Mark of Gideon."

- Iva Lane, who plays Zero Zero, also appeared as a crew member in the first Trek movie.

- This is the first time that it is mentioned that Riker plays the trombone. In reality, Jonathan Frakes plays the trombone, and provided all of the audio whenever Riker played on-screen.

- When Data asks Quinteros about the nearest starship, Quinteros replies that it is the Triest. Data dismisses it as being "too small, too slow." It is later made canon that Data knew this information because he served aboard the Triest.

- An earlier version of the script called for a scene with Crusher and Dr Epstein, on the starbase, where it would be revealed that Dr Epstein was in his mid-twenties. Given that he spoke at Crusher's med school, I guess Dr Epstein is the Doogie Howser of space.

-Starbase 74 footage was used and modified from the spacedock used in the third Star Trek movie.

-This is the first of three times that Picard will take a position at the conn.

-This episode won an Emmy for sound editing.

- An earlier version of the script featured subtitles for the Bynars' language.

- In Binary, the code 11001001 means quite a few things, like the binary version of Pi. Here, it's meant as a stand-in for the designations of the Bynars on the bridge: 11, 00, 10, 01. It covers all of the possible combinations where ones and zeroes can be.

- A nybble is a four-character number in binary. For instance, each of the unified pairs of Bynars is a nybble: One One and Zero Zero are a pair and also a nybble. One Zero and Zero One are a pair and a nybble. Nybbles and bytes, get it? Programmers making Dad Jokes. I'm totally not groaning over that.

Red deaths: 0

Gold deaths: 0
Blue deaths: 0
Obnoxious Wes moments: 0
Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
Sassy Geordi moments: 0
Sassy Wes Moments: 0
Sassy Worf Moment: 1
Sassy Riker Moments: 2
Sassy Yar Moments: 1
Sassy NPC Moments: 2
Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 2
Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 0 (No Troi this week)

This is the crap I put up with.

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Five "Haven"

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Five "Haven"
Production Order: 5
Air Order: 11
Stardate: 41294.5
Original Air Date: November 30, 1987

Okay, so just to reiterate - last week I reviewed "The Last Outpost," which was production number seven, by mistake. I was going in air order then rather than production order, as I'd originally thought. I didn't realize this until I was done with the post, and it was too late to write another, so I just tossed it up online. This week is episode five, next week I'll do six, and the following week I'll cover episode eight. Should be smooth sailing from there, as I checked the charts a thousand times or so and corrected my earlier numbering mistakes.
(Also, if you're following along on Netflix, the numbering is a bit different. Not only do they go by air order, but they consider the pilot to be one episode rather than two, and so only list 25 episodes for this season. While the original airing showed the full pilot at once, it was split into two episodes for syndication. The numbering system used in Memory Alpha lists it as episodes one and two, making the second episode "three.")
In the meantime, I'm rewarding myself a Facepalm for not paying closer attention:

http://bloonsconception.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Meta07/Facepalm

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Picard's Log 41294.5: "Going to Haven, this one planet, for some shore leave. Fortunately, there aren't any giant fucking rabbits here."

Picard and Data have a brief discussion on the bridge about how this place has a reputation for magically healing ailments and broken hearts. Data thinks it's bullshit

Next, we get some Girl-O-Vision, where two lovely ladies in sparkly togas cheerfully play harps, and we're supposed to believe that these girls live on Haven and are probably entertaining some lucky guest.

But then the camera pans back, and we find out that it's just Riker jacking off to some holographic videos in his quarters ("Hot Haveners V: Naughty Nymphos in Space.")

But then Yar calls to cock-block him from... himself, I guess, and he's forced to shut it off and meet her in the transporter room. She's all upset because something is being beamed up to them from Haven, and she has no idea what, but her security senses are tingling. Frankly, I'm calling bullshit on that. The transporter chief on Haven can't give her a description?
They beam it up, and... it's a box with a face on it. Really? They really could not have said, "Hey Enterprise, we're beaming up a box with a face on it"?
The face is like, asleep or something. Then Troi randomly walks in and asks what's going on, and the face comes alive, saying that it has a message for her. "Lwaxana Troi and the Miller family are beaming up! It's party time!" Then the face goes back to sleep, and the front bottom panel of the box opens, spilling jewels and shit everywhere.

This was Armin Shimerman's first job for Star Trek, as this episode was filmed
before "The Last Outpost."

Troi is completely freaked out. She says the jewels and things are wedding gifts, and when Riker asks who's getting married, she replies sadly, "I am."
Those "wedding gifts" had better not be her dowry. I will cut a bitch.
Quiet, less-dramatic music. Commercial break.

When we return, she and Riker are in the ready room with Picard. She gives him some exposition by way of backstory: her father, a human, was best friends with Steven Miller, also a human. It's Betazoid tradition to have arranged marriages, so when their kids were little, Deanna was promised to Steven's son, Wyatt. Riker is hella pissed, pointing out that neither of these men were Betazoid, and that she shouldn't have to go through with it. Troi admits that she was hoping that if she traveled far enough away with Starfleet, and put years and distance between herself and the Millers, that everyone would forget. But she appears to be going through with the thing, telling Picard that she and Wyatt won't be staying with the E. Picard decides to just congratulate her. Then he leaves on some pretense that we don't get to hear about, because it's more important that Troi and Riker be alone to talk than it is for Picard to have someplace legitimate to go.

She calls him Bill again, even though the subtitles say Will. He's weirded out by this whole thing, and she points out that they broke up because he wants to be a starship captain, more than he wants her. He really wants his captaincy and to eat it, too. She says she knows he cares "within those limits." I get the feeling, based on the dialog, that there's supposed to be a drawn-out pause here, where he doesn't look at her, because she then asks, "Did you hear what I said?" But it's tagged onto the end of her speech about him caring within the limits, so he doesn't have time to react. It's strange. They end with her requesting that he dance at her wedding, and he agrees. He exits as Data enters. Data says the Miller wedding party wants to know if they can come on board. She nods and leaves. Data is left behind, and I'm left wondering why the hell everyone is hanging out in Picard's office when he isn't there.

Troi goes to the transporter room to meet the Millers. It's been so long that Steven and Victoria Miller barely recognize her. They hug her, nonetheless. Wyatt steps forward shyly and introduces himself. They shake hands. Victoria Miller wipes her eyes daintily and tells Picard that she knew romance was still alive somewhere. They shook hands, lady. No one re-enacted scenes from Pride and Prejudice.

Wyatt gives Troi a chameleon rose, which is like a floral mood ring, and which is kind of a hilarious gift to give a telepathic empath.
There's some awkwardness when Troi asks where her mother is, and while Wyatt tries to smooth it over, Victoria spells it out: she and Lwaxana hate one another. The three move out into the corridor so they can be shown to their quarters. Troi tells Picard that Wyatt was surprised when he saw Deanna... she was not what he expected. She then warns Picard that her mother is "eccentric."
Then the transporter is turned and BAM!
FUCK YEAH, MAJEL BARRETT!
FUCK YEAH, LWAXANA TROI!

Lwaxana is pleased that the captain himself came to greet her, and even though she has a valet with her, she tells Picard that she's going to allow him to carry her luggage. He agrees, but it seems she packed her gold kruggerands and the thing is hernia-inducing, so Deanna is forced to bark at her mother in the corridor that it's inappropriate to ask a starship captain to carry your damn luggage. So the big dude gets the luggage, and Lwaxana starts prattling to Picard that her last valet wanted to bang her, so she had to let him go. 

"His thoughts became truly pornographic," she actually says as they get in the lift.

Then she goes on about how Steven Miller is the same, and Picard has to pause her so he can tell the lift where they need to go. She proceeds to tell the lift at large that the Millers are awful, and how she's outgrown them, because Betazoids grow more than "your typical plodding human." Picard is starting to turn his head so he can roll his eyes.

When Deanna's verbal protests go ignored, she tells her mother telepathically to STFU. Of course, this pleases Lwaxana, who had stated out complaining that Deanna wants to communicate verbally instead of telepathically.

They reach Lwaxana's quarters and Picard cannot back out of the room fast enough. "Well, you guys have thingstotalkaboutsoI'llgo, laters."

"Oh, okay. You may go," she dismisses him.

Deanna is appalled. Picard is relieved.

The counselor then explains to her mother that she wishes to communicate verbally because humans often think one thing and say another. Eventually, the conversation comes back around to the whole arranged marriage thing, and Lwaxana apologizes to her daughter. Steven Miller found her on Betazoid and reminded her that they had made this agreement a million years ago, and I guess it was made all official then, like Spock and T'Pring. 

Ugh, like mother, like daughter: why are they both wearing those jeweled things
in their hair? Is this supposed to be some kind of Betazoid thing?

Deanna admits that she really doesn't want to do this whole arranged marriage thing, but she'll go through with it anyway, because members of the generation before her made an agreement when she was too young to protest that she and this one dude should be shackled to one another for life.

Back on the bridge, a message has come in for the E, and a pretty woman appears on-screen. She has a light accent that I can't place, but it's pleasant. So this is Valeda, the Electorine of Haven. And apparently, she has a problem. There's a ship headed for Haven, and it won't communicate with them. Haven doesn't have any defensive capabilities (say what?), so it's up to the E to blow them out of the sky. Before you scream, "Do your own dirty work, lady!" you should know that the Federation's treaty with Haven is that Starfleet will indeed, do their dirty work.

Wyatt is being all emo in his quarters when Deanna pays him a visit to apologize for her mother's behavior.

"It's cool. She's kind of persistently honest," he says, which Deanna says is a great description of Lwaxana, and frankly, it is.

They're awkward. Like, coffee date at Starbucks awkward. He says he's a medical doctor and asks if she can read his thoughts. She admits that only happens on occasion, and it's really only happened with Riker. She doesn't say Riker, but you know that's who she's talking about. He asks if he has competition. She replies that he doesn't.

Deanna asks about a little display of drawings on the table, a display that he came onboard clutching. She correctly guesses that he thought that she was this woman, and was surprised to see that she wasn't. He admits that the woman in the drawings is a face he's seen in his dreams since he was very little, and that he assumed that it was Deanna, because Deanna is Betazoid, and he thought she might be projecting herself into his dreams. 

I don't know who those other two are, but the girl in the middle is clearly supposed
to be Ann-Margaret.

She apologizes for not being that girl, and he folds up the display and tells her not to, that the drawings and assumptions he  made were based on "childhood fantasies" and that she's beautiful and shouldn't compare herself to this stuff. He's clutching the display like a frightened child with a teddy bear. My god, this dude's body language screams "insecure." He's one pair of glasses away from being George McFly from "Back to the Future."

Picard's Personal Log: "This arranged marriage thing is kind of bullshit. Who even does that anymore? Wish I could help her get out of it."

Picard is on the bridge. They've gone to check out the approaching hostile ship in Haven space, and he's kind of gobsmacked when he realizes that it's a Terellian ship. Everyone else is surprised as well. Riker gives the helpful exposition that the Terellians are supposedly extinct, but this is not like when you're watching Doctor Who and someone is surprised when the doctor says he's Gallifreyan. They're apprehensive about this ship - it is actually a threat to them without having fired a weapon at all. Picard calls for Crusher.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

When we return, the senior officers are gathered in the briefing room. Data gives exposition on this ship that could supposedly destroy them all: Tarella was similar to Earth. Two groups of people hated one another, and one group unleashed a biological weapon on the other, with the result that everyone became infected. Anyone who escaped Tarella got sick and infected the other worlds where they landed. Eventually, other worlds began hunting them down and shooting them out of the sky. So now we have a ship that was probably damaged in some fight, limping through space at sub-warp. and heading for the planet with the mythological following that one can be cured of all ailments there.

"We have a problem," says Picard. "We have to protect Haven, but our by-laws say we have to protect the Terellians, too. Think about that shit while you're at Deanna's engagement party tonight, cool?"

Riker stomps out of the room.

We skip ahead to the engagement party. Victoria Miller asks Picard to perform the ceremony. He agrees, provided that everyone is in agreement with it.

"No way," says Lwaxana. "You're not Betazoid, and don't know how to do Betazoid ceremonies."

"What? This will be an Earth ceremony," insists Victoria.

"Here I thought you had no sense of humor," purrs Lwaxana, before launching into an angry rant about how backward Earth traditions are. "Terrible, Captain, to see a woman go downhill like this."

Shit, dude. When did this become Real Housewives of the Milky Way?

Lwaxana insists that her valet, Mr Homn, will do the ceremony, and when Steven objects to Mr Homn not speaking ever, Lwaxana yells back that he's adept in sign language.

Nope. Wrong answer. Cuz somehow, Lwaxana Troi is titled, and while we don't know what those titles mean, she can bet she's gonna throw that shit back at you.

She's Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx,

Picard kind of smooths things over here, before Victoria gets her eyes clawed out. Later, he gives a toast at dinner. For some dumbshit reason that baffles me, Lwaxana and Victoria are sat next to one another. I get that it's easier for filming and story purposes, but you'd think that someone would pull aside the party planner and tell them that the seating chart sucks, especially given that the mothers of the couple had a shouting match a few minutes earlier.

This scene is a bit complicated, with several things going on at once. Everyone seems vaguely on edge to begin with, having just watched Lwaxana and Victoria get into it, and who are seated together now. Deanna and Wyatt also seem awkward seated next to one another. Then you have Mr Homn, who is tossing back glasses of alcohol at a stupid rate in the background, while hitting a gong every time Lwaxana takes a bite of food. Data is circling the room, fascinated by the unfolding soap opera in front of him. Riker clearly wants to leave. Wyatt brings up the fact that there's a plague ship approaching them, and everyone looks uncomfortable. Picard confirms it hesitantly.

Wyatt is excited. He's very familiar with the Terellians, and thinks they could beam over medical supplies with anyone having to come into contact with the ship. Crusher says she's glad there's another doctor on board for her to confer with about this problem.

Victoria is over the gong and gets on Lwaxana's case. Apparently, the gong thing is how Betazoids give thanks for their food.

Check out how they're sitting. Victoria is trying to take up as little space as possible at the table so she doesn't end up touching Lwaxana by accident. Lwaxana, by contrast, is taking up as much room as possible. So it seems that the leafy branch would up Lwaxana's arm is some kind of sentient plant, which she's forgotten about until it gets restless. Then she channels Endora from "Bewitched," and asks if Victoria likes pets.

Victoria says in this smarmy voice that she loves them, but screams a moment later when Lwaxana's pet branch crawls onto her arm. Riker is done. He stomps out.

Data asks Lwaxana about the Betazed wedding ceremony. She gleefully tells him that everyone goes naked, and we see fancy, dressed-up Yar in her super 80's hair. Pat Benatar security, yo.

Of course Victoria is appalled. But Lwaxana takes this opportunity to take several more digs at her, including, "Don't worry, dear. Your body's not that bad" and "Your husband quite likes the idea of seeing me naked."

Deanna loses her shit at this point and storms out, putting the smack-down on that gong in the process and yelling at everyone about their "petty bickering."

Data has a request:

Deanna finds Riker on the holodeck, running a desert program and sulking like a five-year-old.

You know, just when I thought I couldn't hate her jumpsuit and be-jeweled beehive anymore, they dress it up by making a pink splotchy version and adding a long ponytail to the beehive. Atrocious.

And you know, between Wyatt clutching his drawings, Lwaxana Troi taking up half the table, and Riker sitting like a little kid, this episode has become body-language heavy. It's not terrible, just obvious.

She tries to go all psychologist on him, talking about how "young human males have trouble separating platonic love and physical love," and he's all, "Have you discussed this with Wyatt? Think you should."

Then who should show up but Third Wheel Wyatt.

Wyatt is taken in by the awesomeness of the holodeck, and almost misses that Riker is nasty to him.

"Beeteedubs, this is the guy I used to bang," Deanna tells Wyatt. "He doesn't like that we're getting married."

Wyatt is actually a nice guy about it. She had told him earlier that she and Riker were no longer an item because Riker wanted to be a captain more than a mate.

"I bet having a relationship is hard when you're a captain," says Wyatt reasonably.

Riker decides that too many people have crashed his party, and he leaves.

Wyatt tells Deanna that her outburst has caused their mothers to compromise. Picard will do the ceremony, Mr Homn will be the best man, and some people will be naked.

"I caught my father practicing "naked" in the mirror," jokes Wyatt, demonstrating. It's actually pretty funny, and Deanna laughs.

He asks if she really wants to go through with it, and she replies yes, and they kiss. The music swells way too much for as tentative as a kiss as that was. Sure, he seems pretty nice, and she laughed at his joke, but they just met like, twelve hours ago, and for the sole purpose of getting married because their parents set it up decades earlier. I don't ship it, Star Trek. Sorry.

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Dude, that ship is still coming, and still not answering us."

The Electorine calls to plead with Picard to destroy the ship.

"Can't do it," he replies.

She signs off. Yar says she can disable the ship with a phaser burst, but he asks, "What then?" They're within transporter range, and could just beam down. He has a point.

Instead, they opt to use a tractor beam to tow the ship out of transporter range, which they do.

Data suggests that they might not be answering, because they might all be dead, and the ship might have flown there on automation.

But then the viewscreen crackles. Surprise! It's Wyatt's Dream Girl.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Is that you, Daryl Hannah?

Picard's Log 41249.6: "WTF?"

The dude in the chair on Terellian ship comes to the front of the viewscreen and moves the girl aside. No indication is given as to why she was standing there in the first place, so my best guess is that it was strictly for dramatic reveal. This guy, who says his name is Wrenn, is clearly in charge.

"Hey, there," says Wrenn. "Is there a dude named Wyatt onboard?"

Right on cue, Wyatt gets off the lift, clutching his teddy bear drawings.

Wrenn and the blonde chick, Ariana, are amazed to see him. "You've come, just as you promised," she tells Wyatt.

He's amazed that she looks so much like the drawings, as he's never seen her before.

Wrenn admits to Picard that they still carry the disease that killed their people, and that there are only eight of them now. They want some uninhabited island or someplace where they won't come into contact with the people of Haven.

"Um, it's not my planet," says Picard. "I can pass on the request, though."

"We intend to die here," says Wrenn. "Even if we die while stuck in your tractor beam."

Well, that's shitty.

Wyatt goes to Lwaxana for advice, which is kind of funny, because she seems like the last person someone would go to advice for, but she's actually pretty helpful here. She quickly accesses his thoughts to get the whole thing from his perspective, then sits him down and tells him that the answer is too simple for most humans to grasp. She doesn't mean this unkindly, as she explains that humans don't really want to believe the answer, or they'll go to great lengths to explain it away, or whatever, but Occam's Razor comes into play here: the simplest answer is the most correct.

"All life is bound together. You believe that, and so does Ariana, which is why you guys are so connected."

Dr Crusher goes into sick bay and finds Wyatt dressed in his travelling clothes, getting the medical supplies ready. he's acting like he did when he would clutch his drawings, only he doesn't have the drawings there anymore.

She asks if he's feeling okay.

"Wedding nerves," he replies. Liar.

She disappears into the office to send a message to Picard that the supplies are ready to beam over, and he steals a hypo-spray.

Then he goes to the ceremony site and stares at his parents for a moment before saying, "Please take care of each other."

He turns to Deanna. "You're really pretty." And he gives her a tiny kiss before leaving. She clearly knows what's up.

Wyatt takes the supplies to the transporter room. The chief there tells him that Crusher had him set the coordinates already (so convenient!) and that they're just waiting on Picard's orders to send them through. Wyatt hypos the chief, and I guess he knows something about transporter functions, because he sets it to send him over, then hops on the pad.

Geordi sees too late that someone is transporting over to the plague ship and isn't able to override it.

I thought that we wouldn't get another location for this episode, that they would just show Wyatt on the viewscreen with Wrenn and Ariana, but I was wrong.

Wyatt materializes on the transporter pad of the Tarellian ship, then he walks through what is clearly Ariana's gallery, all drawings of him at different ages.

Except that one on the left. That's a portal into an A-Ha video.

He's greeted by the Tarellians, who tell him that they knew he would beam over, just as soon as they saw that he was real. This meeting is kind of as awkward as when he met Deanna again. Everyone is nice and polite, but facing a future with big changes.

Back on the bridge, Victoria and Steven have stormed the castle and Victoria demands to know how Picard could have let her baby transport over with "those lepers." That's pretty fucking bitchy, Victoria.

The viewscreen comes on, and Wyatt is there with the Tarellians. Wrenn says that Picard can turn off the tractor beam, because they aren't going to Haven anymore. Turns out the thing they wanted beamed over to their ship.

"Sooo, hey," Wyatt addresses his parents. "Can't come back now. Gonna cure these people. Or you know, try. Also, sorry we're not getting married, Deanna. Thought I was coming here for you, but it turns out I was coming here for Ariana."

"It's all good," says Deanna. "I'm happy for you guys."

The tractor beam is released, the Tarellian ship limps away.

Later, the Millers beam back to Haven. "Keep the chest," says Steven. "You'll have use for it someday."

What? What chest? Wait, does he mean that box full of jewels with the creepy Armin Shimerman face on it? Can you imagine keeping that thing, and it coming back to life when ever you entered the same room.

"Hey, Deanna. Whazzuuuuup? Here's some jewelry." And it just dumps a bunch of rubies or whatever onto your bedroom rug.

Also, "you'll have use for it someday"? What the fuck kind of comment is that? "Here's all these wedding gifts. You should keep those for when you find another man that isn't our son." Frankly, not mentioning the chest at all would have been a better thing to say. How about "Goodbye, sorry it didn't work out"? I guess they're kind of in a bad place because their son chose "lepers" over them, but that's no reason to be rude. Deanna didn't do anything.

Anyway, once the Millers are gone, Lwaxana sweeps in with Homn in tow.

"Maybe, instead of wasting this trip, I should marry the captain," she says cheerfully. Deanna and Picard both look mildly alarmed.

"No, too old," she says dismissively. She turns her cougar eye on Riker, who seems amused by the thought.

She climbs up on the transporter pad and Mr Homn pauses next to Picard.

"Thank you for the drinks."

Picard and Riker exchange looks. Riker again looks like he's holding in a laugh.

Lwaxana's last action before de-materializing is to accuse Picard of aiming pornographic thoughts at her.

"Joking," says Deanna. "She was joking."

And the Doctor loses five quid to Rose.

Sometime later, Picard tells Riker to get them the hell out of there, and he tells Deanna that he's glad that she's staying with the ship. I guess they got their shore leave, or maybe not...? I dunno. They leave. The end.

This episode wasn't too bad. The previous ones filmed before it were all direct rip-offs of TOS episodes, and this one didn't strike me as being that similar to other original series stories, so it has that going for it. So I guess I'll pick it apart: arranged marriages suck when the couple gets no say in the outcome. They aren't totally worthless when you're trying to join two countries in treaties, but they still kind of suck for the immediate parties involved. As far as I can tell, most of those had the outcome of "and they tolerated each other ever after." Victoria and Albert of England seemed to be the exception there. I know that modern-day India still does arranged marriage, but the people involved get a say. It seems to run more like a dating service, where you check out potential mates, date them and figure out if you want to get married. But in this case, Deanna's father Ian strikes me as a better guy than setting his daughter up like this. It's probably because I'm extrapolating from stuff we learn later about him, but it seems pretty douchey to me to say, "Hey, bestie. I have a girl and you have a boy, and they're kind of the same age, so let's make it a thing, when they grow up, that they should get married." Like... no. Parents do not and should not get a say in who their kids marry. Period. The end.
Also, why was Deanna okay with this? She reassured both her mother and Wyatt that she was fine going forward, but that was after meeting Wyatt. Was it just because Wyatt wasn't an asshole? Because she also told Picard prior to meeting Wyatt that she was going to do it, then confirmed it to Riker. We know that Wyatt most likely agreed because he thought Deanna was Ariana. Then he waffled once he realized she wasn't. But was Deanna getting anything out of this? "Genetic bonding" and "vows" were both mentioned, but no more information given, so it sounds Steven and Ian were like, "let's do this thing" and their wives went along with it. I guess she was doing it out of tradition, but the various sites I checked said that there was nothing to keep her from breaking tradition if she really wanted to do so.

So let's talk Lwaxana. Now, Number One was awesome, but we got practically none of her. And Chapel was pretty good, but TOS liked to mess with her hair, and only give her one line per episode, which is BS. Nope, Lwaxana Troi is my most-favorite Majel Barrett character. She's brash and tacky and yes, "persistently honest." But she also brings in comedy relief, and keeps an episode from getting too heavy. In later episodes her storylines will still feature comedy, but will be peppered with poignant truths and heartbreak. She's a character who turns out to be far more interesting and deep than one would anticipate.
I finally went and checked out those titles she always introduces herself with, and of course, they're just as unimpressive as you'd think. But nobody in-universe is going to bother looking those up, so she can spout on about them all she likes and no one will ever call her on it. Firstly, she's a "daughter of the Fifth House." The Fifth House is Betazed's government. Girlfriend is basically stating that she's a citizen of Betazed. "Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx": Deanna later describes said chalice as being a "dusty clay pot that grows mold." And "Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed"? We don't really find out what these artifacts are or do, but they're treated like trinkets or knick-knacks at home. It's all crap. But it's bedazzled crap, like so many of the outfits Lwaxana sports.
The Millers are all kind of boring and unremarkable, but they would have to be in order to play off of Lwaxana well. Victoria is just likeable enough that even when she gets a bit bitchy, you're not going to write her off completely. But you will gleefully watch her go ten rounds with Lwaxana.

Our side story turns out to be our twist here, in that the resolution of our main story comes with the resolution of the B, rather than the other way around. Oftentimes, a B story will resolve independently of the A, so that the A story will require a completely different resolution. Basically, the plague ship is the B story to the arranged marriage A story, and since we're fairly certain that a main cast member would not leave the series so quickly, there needed to be a reason for Deanna not to marry Wyatt. In this case, Wyatt beams over to a plague ship and can never come back. Resolution of B leads to resolution of A. The storyline of the B plot was pretty good, though: I liked that we have eight remaining survivors of biological warfare, men without a country. That's pretty damn interesting. Toss in Wyatt's weird connection with Ariana. That's a good, solid B-plot right there. There was not a lot of full-cast interaction, as most of the story revolved around Deanna, and sometimes their lines seemed shoe-horned in, but I guess that part was okay. I think the thing that might have made this episode better is if we had gotten it later in the season, when more time could have been given to exploring Deanna and Riker's previous relationship. It would have made scenes with Riker that much richer, because viewers would have had time to decide if they shipped that or not.

Fun Facts:
- This is only one of two times that Armin Shimerman appears on Star Trek without his Ferengi make-up. The other time occurs on DS9, when he is seen as a sort of human version of Quark.
- This is the second and last episode where Troi calls Riker "Bill." Thank god.
- The woman who plays Valeda, the Electorine of Haven, will later play a Vulcan in the 2009 Star Trek reboot movie.
- This is the only episode to feature the Enterprise dining room. Most future formal occasions are held in Ten Forward.
- This episode is only one of two in which Worf does not appear, the other being "Code of Honor." Supposedly, an earlier draft of the script had lines for both Worf and Wesley (also absent for this episode), but they were either cut or given to other characters. A final script has some lines about why Worf and Wesley are not present, but those appear to have been cut as well.
- The captain's chair on the Tarellian ship ends up in Worf's quarters (though presumably they washed it in bleach to get all the plague germs off first).
- Robert Ellenstein, who played Steven Miller, also played the Federation president in The One With The Whales. He was good friends with Leonard Nimoy, and had also worked with Star Trek alums De Kelley, Diana Muldaur, and Stephen Collins (Will Decker in movie #1).
-This is the only episode where Mr Homn speaks, making him Star Trek's Silent Bob.
- If Mr Homn seems really familiar to you, it's mostly likely because you've seen him play Lurch in the Addams Family movies. Carel Struycken was also featured in Men in Black, an episode of Voyager, and several second-season episodes of Twin Peaks. Coincidentally, the last time Star Trek needed someone to play the strong silent type, they hired Ted Cassidy to play Ruk, a big baddie on "What Are Little Girls Made Of?". Ted Cassidy played (drumroll, please) Lurch on The Addams Family tv show. For further connections, both this episode and "Little Girls" heavily feature Majel Barrett.

Let's play...

What The Hell is Lwaxana Troi Wearing?

Lwaxana Troi dresses like my aunt, an outrageous older lady with colorful, sometimes tacky taste. Occasionally, the things they put Lwaxana in are delightful, and enhance her character. But sometimes this stuff is just awful.

When we first meet her, Lwaxana Troi is wearing a belted red-orange dress and matching flats with a multi-colored jacket over the top that comes off as a dark red. The jacket is a bit shapeless, and not my favorite.

Later, she ditches the jacket, and we see that while the dress has a nice shape, that belt is not so much a belt as it is sequined braiding that is laid over pretty much every seam on the dress. The keyhole openings on the sleeves are a nice detail, but that braiding either has to go, or just be relegated to a belt. Unfortunately, they stuck the same jeweled thing in her hair as in Deanna's. Ugh.

At the engagement party, Lwaxana has selected a patterned, shimmery gown of reds and purples, and a necklace of reddish jewels. The dress seems rather modest, until she turns around...

Hello, Nurse! (lol) That shit's open all the way down to her lower back, with a swingy sort of Grecian drape. The red flowers in her hair are nice.

Stay tuned next time for.... What the Hell is Lwaxana Troi Wearing?

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A few weeks ago, I brought home this tea with Bob Marley on the label. Roomie was all excited because that's her scene, but I told her nope, I was drinking it for the blog. I've reached the point where I'm going to start repeating reviews by accident if I don't write them down, and I knew I hadn't had any Bob Marley tea yet.

This bottled tea is Marley's Mellow Mood, and it's hard to miss. The label, which covers the whole bottle, is red, yellow and green and features a laughing pic of Marley. The one I drank was Green Tea with Honey, and it's supposed to be a "relaxation drink." They put all these little warnings on the label like it's medication or something. "Don't drink this unless you want to feel really relaxed. Don't mix this with alcohol." No, there's no weed in it. I don't think they could get away with that. But it does include valerian root, chamomile, lemon balm extract, passionflower extract and hops extract.

"How does it taste?" Pretty good. It's sweetened with both cane sugar and honey.

"Are you relaxed?" I guess? But it's Sunday, and I've been chilling in sweats on the couch with my cat all day, so I was already there. Didn't need tea to fix that. I guess I'm kind of drowsy? But it's late enough that I could just be naturally drowsy.

"And how do you feel, post-tea?" Honestly? Pretty crappy. Like, I feel gross after drinking that. I'm not saying you will too, but it's possible that something in this tea (or a combination of somethings) isn't agreeing with me.

I won't be buying this one again, and I'm kind of not looking forward to trying the other Marley tea that I bought at the same time.

http://drinkmarley.com/mmm-products/

Curie