ST:TNG Season One, Episode Twenty-One "The Arsenal of Freedom"

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Twenty-One "The Arsenal of Freedom"
Production Order: 21
Air Order: 21
Stardate: 41798.2
Original Air Date: April 11, 1988

So I was taking a survey today, and they wanted to know what kinds of beverages I drink every day. I check off the ones I drink most frequently, and scrolled down the list to see if I missed anything. I almost missed that the survey writer had included raktajino (Klingon coffee).

This survey was either written by Quark... or some huge Trek nerd who figured nobody would notice.

*******

Picard's Log 41798.2: "Checking on this one ship, the USS Drake. The Drake disappeared while checking out the planet Minos. I guess the scanners indicated that there was no intelligent life on Minos, which is weird, because we know from previous records and stuff that there used to be."

The bridge crew gives some exposition through conversation here: Worf says the Drake disappeared after checking in near Minos. Data gives the background that the Minosians were basically fancy arms dealers, providing weapons to both sides of the Ersaltrope Wars. Riker says that Paul Rice, captain of the Drake, was at the Academy with him, and describes a guy who is smart and quick on his feet. He talks about Rice pulling a bit of a Kirk during an exam, though Rice did it honestly: he rejected the three options given to him on a test, selected a fourth, passed with flying colors, and the test was rewritten to include that fourth answer as well.
Worf then points out that Riker had turned down the opportunity to captain the Drake, and Riker pretty much shrugs, because he thought doing a tour on the E would be more beneficial.

Data confirms that there is only vegetation and insects on Minos, and they all speculate what might have happened to the people. Each of their suggestions end with some kind of mass extinction rather than an exodus, and I can't tell if that's supposed to say something about the characters themselves, or if it's just the script for this episode leading us in one direction or another. I mean, I know it's the script, but no one even suggests that the Minosians left. Among answers of war and disease, Geordi sneaks in a Sassy Moment:

"Um, we're being hailed?" says Data. 'The planet scanned our language banks, and now someone is hailing us."

"By whom?" demands Picard. "There's no one there! Put it on the viewscreen."

And hey! It's that guy! That one guy, from everything! (No seriously, Vincent Schiavelli was in everything. You've probably seen him in multiple places.)

Picard tries to find out who this guy is, but the dude just talks over him, stating that the Minos is "the arsenal of freedom" and that their motto is "peace, though superior firepower." After struggling to get some answers and only getting descriptions of weaponry, Picard figures out that he's trying to talk to a holographic ad, automatically triggered when they approached the planet. He cuts it off.

"I think we should check this out," says Picard. "If this ad thingy still works, it's possible that other stuff still works, and that weapons may have killed the population by accident. Let's do an away team without scanning the surface to see what stuff we can find out besides a lack of higher-order life-forms."

Riker tells Data he wants to take him and Yar along to the surface.

Dude, Yar gets lines here! Not only lines, but a chance to show off her security chief chops!

"I think we should do a really small complement right at first," she says. "Give us a chance to figure out what's going on, then we can call for more people as needed. If it's something really awful, we'll have put fewer crew members at risk."

Smart!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Recap, because some of you got home from soccer practice a little late."

We go to the surface and yaaaaayyyy, they're on location on the lot again. I know it's cheaper and easier to shoot in these man-made landscapes, but holy crap, are they fake-looking. Also, our intrepid trio has beamed down into some shallow water, and I wonder how often that happens. Are the transporters savvy enough to try to make sure that doesn't happen? Like, does it know to avoid the really deep water? Or differing kinds of quicksand or other unstable terrains? I know I've definitely seen it before, where they re-materialized in very shallow water (or, in the case of TAS, where Bem fucked with the controls, and half of the landing party transported to a cliff and the others reappeared in thin air, falling quite a ways to the water. Fucking Bem).

Right away, Data says they're being tracked. Riker opens his comm channel and Picard requests leaving it open. A few moments later, they stumble upon some melted metal thing in the jungle, and Yar says whatever caused the damage is way beyond their own tech. Data uncovers this huge cannon thing, which they guess must be what caused that damage. They guess that the thing might be a display model for potential weapons clients.

Riker is wandering around by himself on the surface when he is approached by Paul Rice. You know how aliens act when they take over a human body and must now pretend to be human, especially with a human that knows the human that they killed to get the meat suit they're currently wearing? Yeah, that would describe Paul Rice's behavior here.

Riker is happy to see Rice, and asks where his ship and crew have gone.

Ensign T'Su, the chick at Ops, calls Riker to let him know that she's getting low-level energy signals near him, but that the only life-signs are from the away team. A-ha.

"You look weird," Riker tells Rice.

"I was injured," Rice replies.

Data and Yar show up. Data scans Rice from afar and tells Riker the same thing that Ensign T'Su just told him.

"Who sent you here to look for me?" Rice asks.

"Yo mama," replies Riker.

"What ship are you with?" demands Rice. "It's the Enterprise, right?"

"Naw, it's the Lollipop," says Riker.

Yar looks mildly surprised.

"I don't know that ship," says Rice.

"It was just commissioned. It's a good ship," Riker adds.

You know... that wasn't really a Sassy Moment, but Riker but just fucked with a decoy by quoting Shirley Temple. I'm calling Sassy Moment on that shit.

Riker and Rice try to suss out what the other is thinking, with Rice trying to glean information on the E, and Riker trying to figure out what happened to the Drake. Rice ends up telling Riker that the top speed of the Drake is warp three. Sooooo, the slowest ship in the fleet? What, did you crawl to Minos? Shit.

"What is the armament on the Lollipop?" Rice asks.

"Ten," growls Riker. He's realizing that his friend is probably dead, and he's pretty pissed about that.

"Ten what?" asks Rice persistently.

"Six," answers Riker. Then: "We're such good friends - what's my first name?"

Rice is silent.

"What's my name, bitch?"

Oh, I know this one!

Instead of trying to guess, Rice disappears and the reappears as some kind of weird floaty robot thing. The floaty robot shoots some kind of laser that puts Riker in a stasis field.

"Dude, what's going on?" demands Picard.

"This thing put Riker in a force field," reports Data.

"Is he alive?" asks Picard.

Data scans Riker. "Dunno."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Recap."

Data and Yar theorize that the force field thing is for storage, and sooner or later, something will come to collect Riker. Picard asks the transporter room if they can get a lock on the away team, but whoever is running the transporters replies that he can get locks on Data and Yar, but not Riker. Picard decides to go down with Crusher to check it out.

Troi protests, because Picard's plan is completely illogical. He ignores her, and puts Geordi in charge. Troi tries one more time to protest, but he just walks out.

Picard and Crusher beam down, and relay that they need to get the force field off in order to beam Riker back up. In the few moments since they last spoke, Data and Yar have somehow learned that the floaty robot was probably designed for the Ersaltrope wars. It selects a target, projects an image of a person that the target trusts, and then uses that trust to gain information about the enemy. If the robot is found out, it encases the target in a stasis field to collect later for further interrogation. I have no idea how they found all of that out, or if it's just pure speculation. Anyway, Data says he can get rid of it if he shoots the field with his phaser, but he has to find the right frequency first, and it may take a while.

Upstairs, Worf has found energy readings in the vicinity of the away team. Geordi relays that back to Picard as the creepy floaty robot reappears.

It starts shooting. Yar runs one way. Picard and Crusher run in another. Data, who has no fucks to give, continues to work on his phaser-force field problem like it ain't no thang.

Picard and Crusher dash through the undergrowth. Crusher, who is a little ahead, misses the fact that there is a giant hole in the ground, and starts to fall in. Picard reaches out to grab her, but they overbalance and both go in. They wake up at the bottom of a cavern of some sort, and it's clear that Dr Crusher is badly wounded.

Back at the Riker statue, Yar has returned and is now doing battle with the floaty robot while Data still messes with the frequency on his phaser. The security chief has noticed that the robot is different now, that it's anticipating where Yar will move and fire next, and is moving to avoid it. She comes up with a plan to destroy it, and when she fires to the left of the robot, Data fires directly at it using his kill setting. She then moves her fire over on the same setting, and the robot explodes.

"Yay, we did it! Oops, where's everybody else?"

They try calling the captain on their comm badges, but only get that "I'm broken" beep that the comms use. So far, we've Disabled the First Officer and Disabled the Comm Badges. Yar decides to look for them while Data continues to work on the Riker problem.

Down in The Hole, Picard has discovered that Crusher's arm is broken, among other things. He rips the arm off her lab coat and uses a stick to make a splint. She tells him that she needs to stay conscious. They both discover that the comm badges are not working.

Data has figured out the frequency that he needs, and is able to shut down the force field. A quick scan determines that Riker is fine. 

"Good, now Geordi can beam us up," declares Yar, who seems to have forgotten that nobody's comm badge works.

You got rid of one Disabling, but you still have the other, and because there's still another 28 minutes left of this episode, you'll either spend the rest of your time getting your comm badges to work, or you'll receive another, different Disabling.

Upstairs, T'Su says she's getting all life signs, which means that they freed Riker. But before they can beam up the away team, Worf announces that the shields just went up, and they are fired upon by some invisible force.

What, how did the shields go up without anybody raising them? Does the E have preemptive shields now? They didn't even know there was anything out there until it fired on them.

"We can't beam up the away team with the shields up!" says Geordi.

Ah, there's that other Disabling. That didn't take long. All you have to do is make that window too small, too short, and you can trap your protagonists on the surface until the clock runs out.

Worf attempts to lock onto the object and fire phasers at it, but it just fires and disappears, making it impossible to catch and take out. Ensign T'Su yells that their shields won't withstand too many more hits. The thing disappears again.

Chief Engineer Logan calls the bridge and demands to know if they're breaking orbit. "I need to know. Now!"

Dramatic music for some reason after Logan's demand! Commercial break so you can ruminate over this guy angrily calling the bridge when everyone is busy dealing with a threat!

Ship's Log, supplemental: "Geordi here. I can't beam up the away team because some unknown thing is attacking the ship. Also, the engineering chief is coming up to yell at me."

Logan is a piece of work. He looks like the kind of guy who would push you down at the Academy and take all of your lunch credits. I bet he spends a lot of time in Troi's office for anger management issues.

"Why the hell are we still in orbit? We're getting our asses handed to us."

"If we can disable whatever the hell that is, we can drop the shields and beam the away team back," explains Geordi reasonably.

"Gimme command of the ship," demands Logan. "I outrank you."

"Fuck you," replies Geordi. "I was left in charge by the captain."

"He didn't anticipate an attack, which is why he left you in charge," says Logan smugly.

"If he'd known we were going to be attacked, he wouldn't have left!"

So here's the thing: Logan does indeed outrank Geordi. He's got two pips, Geordi has... let's call it one and a half, because I don't know the correct terminology for that black pip. Geordi is not actually disputing rank. He knows Logan outranks him. But Picard put him in charge. Now, Picard knows that putting someone else in charge is always going to be risky. He figured nothing would happen while he was away, least of all that the E would be getting attacked while he was trapped in some hole with Dr Crusher. But he trusted Geordi enough to let him sit in the Big Chair, and it's the second time that Geordi has been in command (the first being "Angel One"). No, you know what makes Geordi right here? The fact that they're in the middle of a crisis, and Logan feels the need to run upstairs and start shit now. Like Remmick. Or Q. Or every time there's a fucking admiral or commandant on the bridge.

 What the hell is wrong with all of these aggressive dillholes bursting onto the bridge to yell at whoever is in charge, right when some enemy is about to punch a hole through the shields?

They take another hit, and T'Su says the shields are weakening. Logan wants them to break orbit and leave. And then what, motherfucker? The away team is still trapped. You want to just cut and run? You think that thing won't be here when you get back?

Geordi asks Worf to analyze the firing patterns of the unknown thing and see if they can anticipate it.

Worf comes up with a plan of attack based on this suggestion.

Logan tries to start shit again. Recognizing perhaps that this is the worst possible time, he tries to be kind of manipulative about it, and gently tells Geordi that he knows that Geordi only wants what's best for the ship. Geordi shuts him down.

"You're ignoring my greater rank and experience!" shouts Logan, getting angry because his ploy didn't work.

Bitch, you have two pips. Your "greater rank and experience" ain't all that much.

Geordi assuages Logan's ego by stating that he's actually counting on that greater experience to help out in engineering, because he needs Logan to go back downstairs and put up the power to the shields. It's a nice way of dismissing the guy, but Geordi has to turn around a moment later and reinforce it.

"Now, Mr Logan."

Logan finally fucking leaves, and Troi makes a note of how agitated Geordi is now.

Downstairs, Riker and Data have joined Yar in the quest to find Picard and Crusher. But their little floaty friend returns in the process. Yar and Data attempt the same trick as before, but it doesn't work this time. The damn thing has evolved a shield. It takes all three of them firing on it for an extended amount of time on the highest setting to finally blow it up. Data remarks that it seems to be getting more clever with each pass, and that each pass comes approximately every twelve minutes.

Back in The Hole, Crusher keeps drifting off to sleep. Picard wakes her up, and she reveals that she's lost a lot of blood, probably through another wound that he didn't know about on her leg. he admits that he can't find her med kit to get the clotting agent. She tells him to break off a specific root nearby, to taste it but not swallow, and to rub some on the back of his hand to check for color change. When she figures out that that's what she needs, she has him rub it in her leg wound.

He needs her to walk him through the process, and she tells him that she's going into shock. After doing all he can for her, he decides to look around and see if he can find a way out.

Upstairs, Geordi is planning to put things into action. Ensign T'Su says she can't seem to find the pattern on her equipment. Geordi reaches down and taps a few buttons on the console, locating the information she needs.

"Sorry, I should have seen that," she says quietly.

"You're doing fine," he assures her.

The thing comes back. Geordi has everyone take their places, but when they fire with both torpedoes and phasers, it just flies off into space.

"We missed!" roars Worf, smacking the console.

T'Su reports that her back-up systems are failing, and you can hear that she's starting to panic a bit. Logan, whose radar is set to Worst Fucking Time Possible, calls the bridge to yell at Geordi again.

Geordi, sounding a bit unsettled, yells at Logan to report to the bridge.

There's a pause, and you know Logan is down in engineering, silently punching the air and mouthing the words "vindication!" at his shipmates, before answering "on my way" in a smug-ass voice.

The others look at Geordi uncertainly, and we get this cool overhead shot.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

 When Logan comes up, Geordi has Solis, the guy at the conn, set some new coordinates and input the speed at warp five.

"You're leaving them on the planet," says Logan in an accusatory tone.

Fucking excuse me? You got something to say, hypocrite? Because you were just up here talking about how the E needed to leave orbit right the fuck now.

Geordi has Solis take them out for 28 seconds, then come to a full stop. He tells Logan that he has a responsibility to the more than 1000 people on this ship, and that he might have gotten those people killed if he stuck around to fight that invisible thing.

"What about the responsibility to the away team?" sneers Logan.

Can I scratch his eyes out? I'd like to reach through the screen and scratch his eyes now.

"Yeah, them too," replies Geordi calmly. "Mr Logan, you are going to take command..."

"...of the saucer section."

BAHAHAHAHAHA! FUCKING SUCK IT, LOGAN! I mean.. shit, dude. The smug on that guy's face, then suddenly he's rocking the Petulant Child look.

"But I don't WANNA take command of the saucer section! Waaaahhhh!"

When he gathers his thoughts, Logan tells Geordi that trying to fight something he can't see is risky.

"That's why we're separating, dumbass."

Then he orders the back-up crew to the main bridge, and tells Worf, Solis and T'Su to meet him on the Battle Bridge. He escapes into the ready room for a moment. Troi follows him. He guesses that she knows how stressed and nervous he is at this moment.

"No, that's fine," she answers. "You're actually handling the stress really well. The thing is, T'Su and Solis are not."

He jumps to their defense. "Hey, they're good officers!"

"I didn't say they weren't," she replies. "But they don't have a lot of battle experience. They need you to tell them when they're doing a good job."

"Okay, I will," he promises.

Geordi goes to the Battle Bridge, where Worf, Solis and T'Su are waiting. They separate without issue, then turn the stardrive section back toward Minos.

Picard is wandering around the overgrown vines and destroyed metal bits in the cavern, looking for a way out. Crusher keeps trying to drift off to sleep, so he starts asking her questions to keep her awake.

She tells him that she knew that the roots in the cavern had medicinal value because of her grandmother. Crusher says that her grandmother helped to colonize Arvada III, and based on Picard's reaction, it was a pretty crappy situation. She goes on to say that when the medical supplies ran out, her grandmother taught herself about roots and herbs to make do, and taught them to a young Beverly as well. Picard is surprised. He didn't know Crusher was part of that colony.

"There must be a lot of things I don't know about you," he remarks.

"Quite a few," she says quietly.

We're sharing a nice moment here. We're getting some of Beverly Crusher's backstory, Picard is feeling empathy toward her, and then... we're interrupted by plot.

Picard finds something interesting in the broken-down rubble on the other side of the cavern. It's a lighted button, and when he pushes it, a whole wall of viewscreens lights up in front of him. He says it looks like the wall is tracking the away team. Something clicks on. It's That Guy again.

"Isn't it awesome?" The script and Memory Alpha refer to this guy as The Peddler, and I like that, so I'm gonna call him that also. "That's the best part of the whole system."

"Who's that dude?" asks Crusher, who wasn't there when the Peddler's ad came on before.

"An ad," says Picard.

"What system are you talking about?" Picard asks the Peddler.

"The Echo Papa 607," says the Peddler proudly. "It can track enemies and gather intelligence and even shoot down starships."

"Hold up," says Picard. "Are you shooting at my ship?"

"It's state of the art. I can answer all questions you might have about it, like delivery or billing."

"Dude, it's not going to answer regular questions," Crusher calls to Picard. "It's just gonna try to sell you that thing."

Picard keeps trying. "Where are the builders? The people of Minos?"

"Once activated, it's invincible," the Peddler replies in an answer that's not an answer, but actually is.

"It killed it's own people," Picard guesses.

The machine makes a weird noise, and Picard asks The Peddler what's happening.

"It analyzed some stuff and is making a new weapon for it's last attack," the Peddler answers. "It's gonna kill the people on the surface."

"No, stop!"

"How come?" asks the Peddler sadly. "Don't you want to see the demo until the end?"

"Fuck no!" yells Picard.

On the surface, Data has used his tricorder to scan for life-forms, and the away team has discovered the hole that leads to the cavern. Yar tells them they only have two minutes until the Echo Papa floaty robot comes back. They call down to Picard and Crusher.

"We're here!" Picard yells back. "Dr Crusher is badly injured, and our comm badges don't work."

They all exchange information, and it turns out that everybody is already on the same page. There's no way for the away team to get down there, though. The drop is about 35 feet.

"I think I can do it," says Data. "I'll jump."

They try to talk him out of it, but he insists.

He jumps, landing on his feet. Yar and Riker decide to take cover before the EP robot returns.

Lightly dramatic music, because this isn't a high-drama moment! Commercial break!

Ship's Log, stardrive supplemental: "Geordi here. Going back for the away team. Gonna do a thing. Hopefully it works."

Geordi tells T'Su that her one job is to find the away team and beam them up when the shields drop. T'Su nods. He then tells them that this next part could suck, but that he believes in them, and that they've earned the right to sit in those chairs.

Down in the basement, Data takes a look at the EP 607 machine.

"Can I see a schematic?" he asks.

"Totes," says the Peddler.

A schematic appears.

"Can we reset it to target something else?" Picard asks.

"Yep," replies the Peddler.

"Cool," says Picard. "Let's set it destroy itself, it's power source, anything like that."

"No way," says Data. "The whole cavern would blow up, and us with it."

"Well, shit," says Picard.

"This is the fun part!" says the Peddler excitedly. "It's going to launch again!"

On the surface, Yar and Riker quickly discuss options and realize that they don't have any. The EP robot appears and starts shooting. They dive for cover.

No more time. 

Down below, Picard asks Data for any available options.

"Just shut it the fuck off!" Crusher yells from across the cavern.

Lawl. Did you try turning it off, and then never back on again?

"Oh." Picard is stunned that he didn't think of that. "Can we do that?" he asks the Peddler.

"Yeah, but that's lame," the Peddler replies. "And this is the good part, too."

"Off, off, off! Turn it off! We've seen enough!"

The Peddler looks sad momentarily, then brightens. "Oh! Does that mean you're going to buy one?"

"Yes!" shouts Picard. "I'll buy this, any Amway shit you're selling, and whatever you've got that makes julienne fries! Turn off the ducking femo!"

"Cool," says the Peddler.

He disappears. The EP robot does too.

And now they have their comm badges back.

Picard calls Geordi to tell him the good news, but apparently part of the EP 607 system never got the memo, because it's still shooting at the stardrive section.

Geordi gives Solis some new coordinates, and Solis points out that those coordinates will put them in the atmosphere. Worf guesses that Geordi's plan is to get the invisible robot to follow them, then fire on it when in heats up and becomes visible. 

They go in. T'Su reports on the turbulence in the atmosphere, meaning the robot is there, Worf locks his phasers at that spot. The robot appears. They fire. The robot blows up.

Geordi orders shields down. T'Su locks in on the away team, and they move out of the atmosphere.

Once in orbit, the away team is beamed aboard. Picard and Riker enter the Battle Bridge.

"I'm relinquishing command," says Geordi.

"Fuck that shit," barks back Picard. "I left you a whole damn ship, and you only return half? Not a chance. Get us back to the saucer section and reconnect it before you leave the Big Chair."

"Okey-dokey," replies Geordi.

Solis plots a return course to the saucer section. T'Su says that sick bay reports that Crusher will be fine.

Geordi drops back into the Big Chair.

"Engage."

I kind of go back and forth as to whether or not I like this episode. Sometimes, after reviewing an episode, I find more things in it that I liked than I did initially. My problem with this episode at the outset was that the sci-fi elements were not quite "sci-fi enough." Basically (and this not great criteria), I was feeling that if one could make a small change to a story to make it not sci-fi, then it wasn't sci-fi enough. Maybe you can already see the flaws in this logic. But my complaint was that, by changing Minos from a remote planet to just a remote location, you could actually set the story in the present. This story would not be out of place on the show Archer, which is about espionage. The issue with my reasoning here is that good sci-fi is not necessarily about robots, technology, or the future, but about how the human spirit continues on in those conditions. It doesn't matter whether or not one could adapt this episode to Archer. It matters whether or not interpersonal relationships could still survive in a futuristic, automated arsenal.

My next train of thought on this episode concerns differences between TOS and TNG. Sometimes the differences are glaring, and I feel the need to comment on them. TOS (much like Archer) played up their genre, sometimes to an absurd level. Going out into unexplored space was dangerous, yes, but I counted a solid 50 crew deaths over the course of three seasons.  Had this episode been TOS, the initial away team would have been larger and included several security golds/reds, who would have died at the hands of the Echo Papa 607. Here, no one dies.

There's also the question of "how do we stop the crazy computer from further fucking up all of the shit?" Kirk's answer: give the computer an existential crisis, by telling it that it isn't fulfilling it's primary function. Picard's answer (or rather, Crusher's): turn it off. Unplug that bitch and don't turn it back on again.

So let's talk about that cavern scene.

Last week, reader Naked Bunny With a Whip linked me to the character bible for this show, which turned out to be eye-opening. Amongst other things, I learned that the "will they, won't they?" relationship between Crusher and Picard was written about from the very beginning, and did not just occur at some point in the show's history. There's was always supposed to be an underlying possibility of them getting together. Reading the bible, writer Robert Lewin decided that the cavern scene was the perfect time and place to strike up that romance, or at least give it a good push in that direction. In the original script, Crusher nurses Picard after he is the one who is injured. But post-rewrite, the roles are reversed, and Crusher, after being cared for by Picard, teeters on the edge of telling him about her feelings for him. But I guess Gene decided that it was too early to push that story line, and Maurice Hurley, who did the rewrite, watered it down a bit, and has the mood shift when Picard discovers the blinking light on the front of the EP 607 machine. Nobody was really pleased with the way the rewrite eliminated the possibility of budding romance between Crusher and Picard... not the fans, not the actors, and not some of the writers. Robert Lewin did not write for TNG again.

I'm gonna plug this one in as "not too shabby." I'm still a sucker for the "lost civilization leaves function technology behind" story, and this one works that way. This episode also features more lines and screen time for Tasha Yar, who has still been getting the shaft on both of those counts. I'm not going to count the fact that this could be an episode of Archer against it, as lots of stories can be adapted to one another with a small amount of effort. I've never cared for the fake landscape that's so often employed by television shows and Star Trek in particular, but sometimes it's necessary because certain elements are needed, or because it's cheaper to build a set than to scout out a location, and pay to film there. So, a few little nitpicky things on my part, but mostly those are things that don't matter.  

tl;dr: it's pretty good.

Fun Facts:

- The cannon that the away team finds in the jungles on Minos is a rented prop. It'll show up again in an episode of Enterprise.

- Julia Nickson, who plays Ensign T'Su, will appear again in an episode of DS9. More fun facts: she was considered for the part of Tasha Yar, and was beat out by Denise Crosby. She was also briefly married to David Soul, who played Makora on TOS' "The Apple."

- The cavern used as the command center of Minos was infected with fleas.

- Logan marks the third engineering chief we've met this season.

- The scene that features the saucer separation was pieced together from footage of "Encounter at Farpoint."

- This is (surprisingly) the last time that Geordi is left in charge of the ship.

- This marks the first time that we see Worf working at tactical.

- The model for the Echo Papa 607 drone was made by visual effects supervisor Dan Curry, who used a shampoo bottle and a L'Eggs container to make the round parts. (For those of you not in the know, L'Eggs is a brand of pantyhose that used to come in plastic egg-shaped containers.) Here's Dan's kid holding the original model:

Red deaths: 0

Gold deaths:

Blue deaths: 0

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 1

Sassy Wes Moments: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 0

Sassy Riker Moments: 1

Sassy Yar Moments: 0

Sassy Picard Moments: 0

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 0

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 1

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0

Cozy Curie

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Eighteen "When the Bough Breaks"

8ST:TNG Season One, Episode Eighteen "When the Bough Breaks"
Production Order: 18
Air Order: 17
Stardate: 41509.1
Original Air Date: February 15, 1988

Nope, not flipping you off. Needed finger there to keep book from
falling over.

It is Jo's birthday, and y'all are lucky you're getting a post this week. Just sayin.'

*******

This week we start off with a small personal moment rather than with Official Ship's Business. I really like these little scenes because they tend to be kind of light-hearted, and highlight the fact that the E is carrying more than 1000 people, a large portion of them civilians. It also helps build a bit of character development, as these people have to interact with one another each day. In this case, Riker collides in the corridor with a kid named Harry. (Not sure why Harry was running through the corridor like he was auditioning for Cabin in the Woods, but...) Riker helps the kid to his feet and calls him by name in a friendly manner, so we know that they're familiar with one another, and that Riker seems to like Harry well enough.

Harry's father, Dr Bernard, catches up with them, and apologizes to Riker. His tone is friendly, but has a tinge of "dammit, my kid ran right into a senior officer" annoyance. He takes Harry by the arm and leads him away. They argue as they exit about Harry hating calculus, and how he's "not going back." Ah, gotcha. The kid went AWOL from math class.

Also: damn. That kid is like ten, and already doing college-level math. I guess by the 24th century we had progressed enough as a species that grade-schoolers were taking calc.

Riker enters the bridge a moment later. Picard is practically hopping up and down in fangirly excitement, and he tells Riker that the followed some chemtrails or some shit, and it lead the to the Epsilon Minos system, and he thought Riker would be excited to know that. 

Riker is pretty stoked. We need to some exposition here, so Yar volunteers to play the youngest person at the Seder dinner, and asks what the hell everyone is so chuffed about.

They reveal that there's supposed to be a mythological planet in the Epsilon Minos system called Aldea, but no one has ever seen it. It's supposedly this great civilization, but the Aldeans have found a way to cloak the entire planet to keep it safe from hostile outsiders, but since no one has seen it in living memory, no one knows if it actually exists or not.

Yar laughs. She thinks it's crap. Data says his scanner don't show anything, but Troi says that something is there. Then a planet de-cloaks in front of them. It's probably Aldea!

Fun-time, wonderous, fantasy music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log 41509.1: "Woot! Found Aldea!"

Just to confirm, a chick named Rashella hops on the line to welcome them to Aldea. She says that their shields have been up for "millenia" and when he asks why they chosen to reveal themselves now, she says that they really want to meet in person to talk about not only that but stuff of "mutual interest."

"Awesome," says Picard.

He's probably already forming an away crew in his head that consists mostly of the bridge crew and senior officers, because this franchise's only learned lesson so far has been "just don't send the captain out."

Turns out he didn't have to form that team after all, as Rashella and someone else beam themselves onto the bridge. A bit rude, but they brought flowers, so it's okay, right?

Alarms go off, and the security team is on edge, and Crusher points out that, because they didn't transport "the normal way," the Aldeans didn't go through contamination.

The guy with Rashella, who calls himself Radue, apologizes for throwing them off-guard, but Starfleet transporters don't work with their shields, and this was the only way of getting in or out. Apparently, letting people know that you plan to just appear in one of their higher-security areas is also something that is not allowed by their shields, based on the fact that they were like, "Hi, it's nice to meet you," followed by "Surprise, motherfuckers, we're on your ship!"

They then reveal that they've been monitoring the E's communications and more, because they call Riker by name without anyone having said it. The bridge crew has an awkward moment. 

"Anyway, we have to go. The light here is super-bright. We'll expect you soon, okay?" 

They touch their little personal transporter devices and vanish.

Riker is put off by their visitors, but Picard is still all, "Dude! Aldeans!"

Troi says they want something very badly from the Enterprise, but they're afraid the crew won't give it to them, because it's something that humans value higly.

Radue calls and says they are ready for Riker and two others. Riker, Troi and Crusher disappear.

"Interesting choices," remarks Picard.

Damn, Star Trek. You sexy.

A bit later, Wes is on the bridge asking Data about the cloaking device on Aldea. I like that they made Wes the asker here. He's younger, so there are things that he doesn't know, so he's going to ask. But he's also a pretty sharp cookie, so he'll be able to understand more technical terms than most younger people. I also like that they had Data give the answer. Data is older (if you can call it that) and has more information than Wes, but unlike other older people, he isn't going to sigh in annoyance at the question, or be all uppity with the answer. He simply recognizes that Wes is seeking an answer to a question, and he has the information.

What's more, this is a really nice way to do exposition. Wesley probably wants to know out of scientific curiosity. That's his jam. The writers wanted to insert some science, so they said, "Let's have Wes ask Data." 

Now everyone, including Wes and the audience, knows that cloaking devices work by bending light around an object, in the same way that the Romulans have cloaking devices on their ships.

Now the scene moves forward, with some kind of beam scanning the bridge. And oops, that beam lingers on Wesley.

They realize that all of the decks are being scanned at the same time, and when the beam lets up, Picard goes to Wes to see if he's okay. Wes says he's fine. Worf reports that only the children were scanned.

Suspicious music!

Downstairs, our away team is having a meal with Rashella, Radue, and his wife (I think?), Duana. Radu talks about how the Aldean traditions and ways have brought them peace and prosperity, but now there are not a lot of people left to enjoy it.

We get down to brass tacks: Rashella was the last kid born on Aldea, and the doctors and scientists are at a loss as to why everyone is now sterile. Radue says the Aldeans want the Federation help them to pass along Aldean traditions and culture.

"How?" asks Riker.

"We want a trade," says Radue. "We'll give you some awesome information about the universe and technology and stuff - something you'd have to spend centuries to get - for your kids."

Yep, this wagon train to the stars just encountered the bazaar, and the natives here do not want to trade spices or silk. They want your crotchfruit.

Troi attempts to diplomatically explain that humans are really attached to their kids, and probably won't agree.

Crusher, however, is blunt. Pretty sure her phaser is not set to stun.

"Yeeeaaahh," says Riker. "Not giving you our kids. Is there anything else you want?"

"Huh, disappointing," replies Radue.

Rashella pushes a button on her transporter device, and the away team is beamed back to the bridge. But then Wes disappears.

And we see shots of other parts of the ship, where more kids are disappearing.

Worf reports to the bridge crew that a bunch of kids were just beamed off the ship.

"They want our kids," Riker tells Picard. "That's why they brought us here and revealed themselves."

Shields up! Dramatic music! Commercial break!

When we return, we find out that Picard has been trying to contact Aldea. Their hailing frequencies are open, but they aren't responding.

Radue finally calls them back, and says that no harm have come to the children, and that he'd like to discuss how the Aldeans might compensate the E crew's parents.

Every now and again, I'll pause Netflix and accidentally get a really fantastic screencapture without trying. This is one. I love the composition, the lighting, the color palette, everything. But most of all, I love the individual reactions: Picard is still trying to wrap his head around a mythological planet appearing before the ship, extending words of welcome, then promptly kidnapping a dozen of their children; Riker and Crusher look like they're planning to cut Radue just as soon as they see him again; and Yar very angrily cannot even with this shit.

Picard loses his shit here. He yells at Radue that there's no way the Aldeans can call themselves civilized when they've just committed an act of "utter barbarity."

Radue says he'll call back when Picard is no longer on his period.

Radue is a douche-waffle.

When Radue ends the call, Picard turns and gives his crew a "this is fucked up" look.

The kids are all gathered in that same place where Riker, Crusher and Troi told Radue that their children were not for sale. Wes, the oldest, reminds the kids that everyone knows where they are, and that no one is going to harm them.

Radue, Rashella and Duana enter. Radue sees Wes talking to the kids.

"Oh, good," he says. "The Custodian said you would be the leader."

"Who is that?" asks Wes, suspicious.

"The Custodian is not a person," Radue replies cryptically.

"You're our guests," gushes Rashella, as though she's the entertainment director on a cruise ship. "You can have anything you want!"

It appears that Wesley is also planning to cut Radue. Remember, friends: the crew that slays together, stays together.

"You guys were chosen because you're special snowflakes," Radue says.

You know what that means? Somewhere on the Enterprise, there's gonna be at least one kid crying in Troi's office because "I wasn't special enough to be kidnapped by aliens!"

Alexandra, the little redhead with the tribble plushie, walks forward and shakes Rashella's hand.

Upstairs, Picard and Troi meet with Crusher and the other parents. Crusher reminds the parents that they all knew what the risks were when they signed on with the Enterprise, but that Picard is going to do his damnedest to get the kids back. 

Downstairs, Alexandra plays with Rashella.

Wes is ushered into another room with Harry and Katie. Radue says that the other kids have already been "assigned" to their new families. 

"We already have families," Wes points out.

Radue makes this face, because he's full of himself, but can't seem to pass it.

A couple collects Harry, and tell him that they are artists, like he is.

"I'm not an artist," he protests.

"You are," they insist. "Or, you have the potential to be. You'll be awesome!"

Are these people prescient? How do they know that?

He goes with them, because he's a kid, and he's not given any choice. He looks pretty miserable with these new parents.

Then Katie is handed over to a guy of retirement age. Radue says he's the foremost musician on Aldea.

"I am honored," says the musician respectfully. 

Katie does this fantastic thing here where she almost does an eyeroll, but stops herself, and just does a really long blink or a short-ish closing of her eyes in irritation. Either way, she answers "thank you" stiffly, as though remembering her manners.

Before anyone comments, no: the older, single musician guy does not strike me as a creeper, just a nice older guy geared up to teach a kid music. This episode isn't about child molestation, it's about people kidnapping kids because they can't have their own. It's not an After-School Special, and you'd know if it was, because when Star Trek does those, they're either lovely and subtle, or heavy-handed and awful.

However, it does make me wonder about Aldea's screening process. They figured out which kids they wanted, and only took those specifically, a very small percentage of the kids on that ship. Then they were quick to pair them off with couples who had been matched to them pretty carefully. Either they had been hatching this plan longer than they were letting on, or they were getting help from that mysterious Custodian. Possibly both. At any rate, with a really small program of less than a dozen kids, it's easier to weed out the creepers to begin with. But then you have to wonder what their breeding program looks like.... ugh.

Wes wants to know what his part is in all of this. Radue starts giving him some bullshit spiel about how, as leader, it's now up to Wes to see that the other kids transition smoothly into Stockholm Syndrome, and how they're all members of Aldean society now, and that isn't going to change, so it's his responsibility to see that the other kids fall in line.

Now I am also gearing up to cut Radue. This stupid motherfucker is trying to make Wes an accomplice in his crimes here. There are certain things that young teens should be responsible for, but it's things like homework, and cleaning their rooms, and picking up pet waste. "Ensuring that small children go along with their kidnappers" is not one.

Alexandra runs giggling into the room, being chased by Rashella. Radue admonishes her for keeping Alexandra away, because her new jailers are waiting for her. Rashella snatches the little redhead up and says they can't have her, because she is keeping the kid.

Dramatic music! 

Real quick: so during the parent meeting, Troi told the parents that the Aldeans can't have children of their own, and Harry's father remarked that that probably meant that it would be that much harder to get the Aldeans to return their kids. The dramatic music is most likely supposed to be about that, about the Aldeans not wanting to give the kids back because they have none of their own and will become attached to the human children. 

But right before the dramatic music was an argument between Rashella and Radue about Rashella not being willing to give Alexandra to another couple, so it actually comes off like this:

Dramatic music! Rashella wants to keep Alexandra! Radue now has to tell the other couple! One antagonist has now slightly inconvenienced another! Oh, no!

On the bridge, Riker tells Picard that they've figured out that the Aldean shield has little holes in it. Not so big that they could beam an away team through it, but you know, they exist, so that's something. Data says he is working on figuring out the codes the Aldeans use to transport through their shields. Picard wants to keep them talking, because he knows when they realize that the E is not going to take compensation, they will slam the shield and cloaking device down, and the kids will never be seen again.

Correct use of dramatic music this time! Commercial break!

Duana takes Wesley to see The Custodian, which turns out to be a computer system that runs the planet. She tells him that it was built by The Progenitors, millenia ago, and that it "takes care of us."

"How does it work?" he asks.

She shrugs. "Who cares?"

"If you don't know how it works, then how do you repair it?"

"Why would it need to be repaired?"

"Because sometimes shit breaks down, you dumb bitch!"

Oh, great. We're gonna get a Red Hour or some crap, aren't we? Hail Landru!

Duana gives Wes level three clearance, which means that he can ask The Custodian questions. Wes asks to see Harry, and The Custodian shows him CCTV of Harry in his new home, using this thing that's like a chisel and a phaser had a baby. He uses it on some wood, and tells his new mother that it's kind of fun.

Wes is concerned that they're "making" Harry into a sculptor, but Duana says that he was already a sculptor, He just hadn't been properly encouraged.

AGAIN: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

We spy on Rashella and Alexandra as well, but never find out what the hell it is they're doing. Magic or some shit, I guess. Katie does music, Harry is an artist, Wes is a leader, why did they take Alexandra? Because she's cute?

Wes asks what's behind Door #1, and guesses it might be the power source for The Custodian, but Duana says she doesn't know. What's weird is her tone. Her "I don't know"sounds like the tone used when you ask someone with dementia what their name is, and they don't recall: sad, confused, kind of regretful. 

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Still in orbit around Aldea. Still trying to get our kids back. But talk is not working, and we need to get through the shield."

Radue calls. "Are you ready to beam down for negotiations?"

"Yeah, me and Dr Crusher."

"Why her?"

"She's a staff officer," shrugs Picard. "Starfleet regulation 6.57 says we have to have at least two staff officers at negotiations."

There's a funny-ass moment here between Picard and Data once Radue hangs up.

"Captain, I am not aware of regulation 6.57," says Data.

"No, Data, neither am I," replies Picard.

"I see, sir." Then: "Oh! I see, sir!"

This plan appears to be Yar-approved.

They beam down, and Picard opens with, "We'd like to see the children."

"No. Go fuck yourselves," says Radue. "We're here to give you money or information, then you're gonna fly away from here and forget that those children existed. Go make more or something."

No, seriously. That asshat tells them that they can always just have more kids.

"Your kids will have great lives here, and have more kids, and jump-start a new generation, infused with our culture," Rashella says, trying to make things sound better than they are.

"Who says those kids can have kids?" demands Crusher.

"Of course they can!" argues Rashella, because she really doesn't want to entertain the thought that their grand plan might backfire. "Our problem is genetic, not contagious!"

Oh. My fucking fuck. Are Aldean scientists and doctors really that stupid that they believe that there are only two ways that a person might become sterile?

Do they not watch House?

Do they not get cable out here on Aldea?

Have they never taken basic biology classes?

How about "I'll take Environmental for 400, Alex"?

Picard finally convinces Radue to let Crusher see Wes.

When they embrace, Crusher slips Wes the little scanner part of her tricorder, and he secretly scans Duana while telling his mother that the Aldeans are treating the kids well, and that everyone is safe. 

Crusher returns to the meeting room and reports that Wes is fine. 

Radue bids Picard farewell, and Rashella beams them back to the bridge.

Once there, Radue calls again. "Because it wasn't creepy enough that we kidnapped your kids and offered you compensation while suggesting that you can make more, now I'm going to threaten you by demonstrating the vast power of Aldea. But - don't forget that I'm a nice guy with a big need, and you're doing us a favor, and we're trustworthy."

Then he flips a switch or something, because some ball of power swings around the planet, hitting the Enterprise and sending it flying through space.

"Oh, shit," says Geordi. "We're like, three days away from Aldea at warp nine."

Gee, remind you of everyone's favorite omnipotent asshole?

Radue calls back and brushes some salt off of his salty-ass arms into the Enterprise's wounds. "Oh, beeteedubs, if you don't fucking comply, then next time I'm pushing your little flying tin can so far into space that by the time you get back, your kids will have grandkids."

Dramatic music! Commercial break! Lady Archon imagines all of the bridge crew flipping off the screen when Radue signs off!

Picard's Log 41512.4: "So we're about a day away now, and we still have no freaking clue how to get our kids back from these psychos."

We check in with Katie and Melian, the musician-dad. He shows her how to hold an instrument, and tells her to feel the music rather than play it. After a quick slip-up, she manages to play a few notes. The instrument kind of lights up like a Simon game. Melian compliments her, even though the tune was kind of introspective.

"Play something happy," he suggests afterward.

"But that's not the way I feel," she says. She gets up and puts the instrument away.

There's a short scene where we check in with Harry as well. He tells his new artist-dad that he's really digging this sculpture thing, and asks if he still needs to take calculus.

"You don't have to do anything you do't want to do," says artist-dad, which is what you say to a kid that you've been parenting for less than a week.

Then: "What's calculus?"

Um, what? I thought you guys were supposed to be hella smart, but you don't know what calculus is? Have you guys just been kicking back for millenia, not needing to be smart, because The Freaking Custodian does everything for you? Are you the cultured, skinny equivalents of the fat people in the floaty chairs on Wall-E?

Ohhh, I think we just solved the mystery as to why their scientists and doctors are so fucking stupid...

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Okay, been three days, and we're back now."

That was an almost non-existent Disable the Ship. I think it mostly existed to give the kids time to adapt to the situation and learn how to be artists. It also gave Crusher time to look at the scans Wes took for her. She reports to Picard that Duana is dying from chromosomal damage, and she guesses that everyone else is, too. This explains their lack of appetite and sensitivity to light.

"Is it genetic?" he asks. "Environmental?"

Huh. Lookit that. The non-doctor, non-scientist suggests that elusive third option. 

"Won't know until I look some more at causes," she replies, and heads back to her lab.

Artist-mom is rubbing at the back of her hand.

"Are the lesions gone?" asks artist-dad.

"Yes," she replies. "The medicine has worked again."

Yep. Skinny people. Floaty chairs.

Harry has finished his sculpture, and it's this hella-nice dolphin.

"What is it?" asks artist-dad.

"A dolphin. Like a fish, but not a fish," explains Harry.

"Oh, we used to have fish in our oceans!" says artist-mom excitedly. "I've never seen one!"

SKINNY PEOPLE!

FLOATY CHAIRS!

ENVIRONMENTAL FOR 400!

Harry starts to talk about his dad, the oceanographer, and being stationed on this one planet with all these dolphins in the water, but the kid makes himself sad, because he remembers that he's Patty freaking Hearst, and maybe calculus is an okay trade-off for being with his actual parent.

Wes is in that main set piece that meeting hall and dining room and all-around whatever room, picking at his food. Duana tries to convince him that they'll be all be happy, forever after.

"We were happy before we came," he replies. "And I gotta tell you, we aren't going to cooperate."

Later, he gets out of bed in the middle of the night. For some dumbass reason, he's fully clothed and wearing his shoes.

Wes goes to see The Custodian. He asks where the kids are in the building, and Google Maps shows him the way. He goes to Katie's room and shakes her awake, telling her he needs her help.

Crusher's Log 41512.9: "I think maybe Aldea has the same problem that Earth had in the late-twentieth century, this thing with holes in the ozone layer."

Crusher flips through screens of information, looking for matches to prove her hypothesis.

Wes has gathered the kids in that main room. This time, it has one large table instead of many smaller ones. He's decided to try civil disobedience, and tells the kids they all have to do it, or it won't work.

"But I kind of like these people," says Harry, uncertain.

"Me too," says Wes. "But I don't want to live here forever. I wanna go home."

Harry reluctantly agrees.

Rashella comes in to find them gathered, and panics. She tries to take Alexandra, but Wes picks her up instead.

Upstairs, Crusher has figured out that the Aldeans have radiation poisoning. This is what's sterilizing them. It's curable if they can fix the problem.

Data's shield computations have failed. It would take weeks to figure out what numbers he'd need. Riker and Geordi have figured out what's going on in the fluctuations in the Aldean shields, and that if they calculate it just right, they can beam down through the hole. But it's too risky to beam the kids up through it. Picard tells them to keep working on it while he stalls for time.

Back at the sit-in, artist-mom has brought a tray of food. She sets it down, but everyone refuses to talk to her. She leaves. Alexandra reaches for fruit, but Wes pulls her hand back.

"We're not eating out of protest. This is how we tell them that we want to go home. Do you understand?" he asks.

"Yeah," she replies.

No, she doesn't. That kid is like, three. She doesn't understand hunger strikes or civil disobedience or sit-ins. 

Just have her say no. Have him kind of explain it again, then apologize. That's way more realistic than a preschooler understanding why she can't eat the fruit on the tray in front of her.

So here we get a few tiny scenes that show the carry-out of the new plan: Picard and Crusher allow Radue to beam them down from the bridge, while Worf carefully monitors the shield fluctuations. On his command, Data and Riker beam down to the room where The Custodian is kept.

Data tells Riker that he can't get into The Custodian because it's all done by voice recognition and command, but he can hack into it and make it so that no one else can get into the computer.

Radue tells Picard that they need him and Crusher to talk to the kids.

"They're on strike or some shit? I dunno. This is new to me. Tell them to be good little kidnap victims."

Oh, I see.  This dude wants you to believe that he has these great powers, but they've turned out to be less infinite, and more... impotent. 

Your people can't have kids, so you steal them. Then when you steal some, you realize that you can't control them, and put some kid in charge. "Make them heel." When the kid instead starts a tiny revolution, you beg the people you ripped off to make it all better.

Then he drops this bomb:

"You have to help me! I'm... not very good with children."

Wow, no shit? I'm shocked!

The hilarious part - and which Radue is completely unaware of - is that Picard is shit with kids, too.

Radue beams Picard into the room with the kids, because apparently, no one can walk anywhere on this planet.

Wes immediately tells Picard that he's figured out their computer system, and Picard tells him that's awesome. A rare compliment - take it and run, Wesley.

There's a brief awkward moment here where Picard looks at the kids, and you know he's thinking of filling the void with, "Soooo, you guys are kids... how's that going for you?"

Harry breaks in by telling Picard that he feels crappy for arguing with his dad right before he got kidnapped, and would Picard please relay the message to his father that he's sorry?

Picard rallies, and tells Harry that he will be able to tell his father this himself, as they are getting the hell out of Dodge. He seems pretty confident until Alexandra walks up and holds her arms out to him. Picard stares at her.

"Hello."

"Hello." Girlfriend is not giving up. He concedes and picks her up. It's hilariously awkward.

Picard beams back into the main room with the kids.

"WTF?" demands Radue.

"Yeah, we're taking our kids back," Picard tells him.

Crusher starts telling him that the shield and cloaking devices that Aldea has been using for millenia have given them radiation poisoning, and sterility is one of the symptoms. 

Radue insists that it's lies. But he says it in this tired, casual way that says that maybe others in his community may have suggested this as well, like it's an Aldean conspiracy theory.

"If that was true, our scientists would have figured it out," he replies.

"Your scientists are fucking morons!" she bursts out. "You've been letting The Custodian run things for so long, that you've stopped questioning things altogether!"

YES! SOMEBODY FINALLY SAID IT!

He still doesn't buy it, but then Rashelle steps forward.

"Wait, what if they're right, and instead of providing us with another generation, we're condemning these kids to our same fate?"

"They're lying because they want their kids back," Radue argues.

Right? Those pesky parents, ruining kidnapping plots with their logic!

Radue is done talking about this, and tries to use his personal beaming device to send the kids back to that other room, but it just kind of beeps ineffectively and does nothing. The look on Wes' face in the background when this occurs is fucking fantastic:

"Haha, we fucked up all your shit!"

Picard hits his comm badge to call Riker, which of course everyone can hear:

"I guess you took it down."

"Yep. Found the power source, neutralized it. We're good."

"Rad." Picard calls the E for a beam-up for the kids.

Harry stops the proceedings to thank the artist-dad for everything, and to tell him to keep the cool dolphin sculpture, because he can make another.

The kids are beamed off of Aldea.

"You have destroyed us," mumbles Radue, because he's a giant drama queen.

"Don't be a douchebag," replies Picard. "We're helping your sorry A, after you kidnapped our kids."

We skip to the next scene, where we get to meet The Custodian. He's a pretty impressive dude.

"What is that?" asks Radue.

"The thing that's powering your planet," says Picard. "Also the reason why you have those dumb floaty chairs and radiation poisoning."

Radue has a very swift change of heart here, which seems odd considering that like two seconds ago, he was insisting that all of this was lies designed to keep them from kidnapping alien kids.

"We have to re-learn all of this," he tells Rashella, "so we won't fall into the same trap."

"We'll help you," offers Picard.

"Cool, thanks."

Back on the E, Harry tells his father that he wants to be an artist, and that he doesn't want to take calculus.

"You can be whatever you'd like," says Dad reasonably, "but you gotta take calculus."

Harry agrees.

On the bridge, Data tells Picard that they have successfully "re-seeded" the ozone layer, but using the shield or cloaking device ever again will fuck up all of the shit. Crusher enters and reports that she has finished treating the Aldeans, and when they're cured they can have kids again.

"We already know they'll make good parents," says Troi.

Sorry, what? Kidnappers make good parents now? Are you sure of that, Counselor?

The lift opens, and Wesley exits with Alexandra.

"WTF?" demands Picard. "No kids on my bridge!"

"She wanted to thank you for rescuing her," says Wes.

Alexandra gives Picard some flowers and an uncomfortable hug.

Wes takes Alexandra away, and Picard stands to give the order to leave, but the bridge crew laughs, because when he turns around, we see that the tribble plushie is stuck to his back.

So my (un)professional opinion on this episode is "eh." The sci-fi was only so-so, like a quieter, slower progression of "The Return of the Archons," where instead of making the inhabitants insane, The Custodian chugs right along, eventually causing Aldea to pollute itself and kill off the natives. That was about the only sci-fi involved, as I feel like their ozone layer issue could have taken place at any time and in any place. It's interesting to note that the Vienna Convention for the Protection of the Ozone Layer would be put into full force just seven or so months after this episode aired, so current events were clearly on the writing staff's mind. It's not the first time that Star Trek had written episodes involving news items - TOS made episodes about the Vietnam war all the time.

The thing is, this is not really an episode about the ozone layer. It was just a means as to why the Aldeans couldn't have their own children. No, this was an episode about desperate people doing desperate things: a race of people feel the only way to preserve their race is to steal the children of another. It's not terribly poignant, despite the fact that it could have been. And here's the thing that gets me - it appears that the Aldeans won't be dealing with any kind of consequence here. They kidnapped seven people and held them hostage, yet they appear to be getting away with it. 

Compare that with the Bynars, who stole a ship to save their home planet, and at least had to face a hearing with the Federation.

This was also a Wes-heavy episode, and not a great one, if you ask me. "Where No One Has Gone Before" was better. In this episode, Wes is asked to lead a tiny revolution against a guy who has no clue what the hell he's doing. Radue was a bit wishy-washy, leaving Wes with practically nothing to battle against. I know they wanted us and the kids to like the Aldeans, to think that they might be just misguided, but it means that Wes didn't have much to butt heads with. We end up not being as invested in the children being returned to their parents.

Red deaths: 0

Gold deaths: 0

Blue deaths: 0

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: Like 3. Anytime he had to deal with Radue's shit, basically.

Sassy Geordi moments: 0

Sassy Wes Moments: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 0

Sassy Riker Moments: 0

Sassy Yar Moments: 0

Sassy Picard Moments: 0

Sassy NPC Moments: 0

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 0

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings:1

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0

Fun Facts:

- Wil Wheaton's younger siblings, Jeremy and Amy, played Mason and Tara, though they received no on-screen credit for the parts.

   

- McKenzie Westmore, daughter of TNG make-up artist Michael Westmore, played Rose. McKenzie would later play Ensign Jenkins on Voyager.

- This is the first episode of TNG not to feature an opening shot of the outside of the Enterprise.

- It's pretty obvious that the name of the planet had been changed to Aldea after filming had begun, because when Riker tells Yar about Aldea in the opening scene, the way his mouth moves forms a completely different word. It looks like bad dubbing on a Power Rangers-level.

- "Aldea" is the Spanish word for village.

- The tune that Katie plays on the Aldean instrument is actually The Traveler's Theme from "Where No One Has Gone Before."

- The Custodian set was made with bits of other models, surrounding a clear acrylic tube with a florescent light in it.

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