Season 2, Episode 53 "The Ultimate Computer"

"The Ultimate Computer"
Production Number: 53
Air Order: 53
Stardate: 4729.4
Original Air Date: March 8, 1968

The title of this episode makes me groan, you guys. Typically, Star Trek will choose esoteric or philosophical titles for their episodes, but here we have what sounds like an advertisement gimmick for some product from the fifties. Or it should be the title of the aforementioned late-sixties sci-fi novel with the title in a slime green futuristic font.
Humor me, here: say "The Ultimate Computer" out loud, but don't use the voice of Rod Roddy, the announcer from "The Price Is Right." You can't do it, can you? Because when you say it in that voice, it conjures images of girls in swanky dresses, making a sweeping gestures with their palms up and opening panels on the front of said ultimate computer to show the contestant what could be theirs, if the price is right. But it won't be theirs, because the ultimate computer probably comes packaged with a dining room set, and who wants that when you know there's a trip to Germany and a ski boat or some shit in the next showcase, so they'll pass to the other contestant and no one will win because no one knows how much an ultimate computer and a dining room set costs.

I really wish I didn't suck at Photoshop, you guys. I would love to illustrate this thought with a Barker Beauty gesturing in front of like, Landru.

*******

We start out this week with Kirk in a snit. The E glides up on a space station, and he talks to Commodore Enright.
"Commodore, WTF?" he demands. "You guys paged me here and you won't tell me why."
"Shut your pie-hole," Enright answers. "A dude is beaming onto your ship."
"Bullshit," says Kirk, and he stomps off to the transporter room with Spock in tow.
When they get there, a gold shirt is beamed aboard, and Kirk knows him. He's Commodore Bob Wesley. Kirk tells the red who beamed Wesley aboard to GTFO, then demands to know why he was called to the space station, and why his crew has to leave the ship.
"It's war games time, bitches!" says Wesley. "We're gonna alter your woman with this new computer, the M-5, then we're gonna run it through some tests and do war games. A bunch of ships headed up by me, versus the E and you and the M-5. Your people need to leave because we won't need them. The M-5 runs the ship without people."
"Sweet!" says Spock. "The M-5 is the computer invented by Dr Richard Daystrom, on whom I have a raging nerd-crush."

"So Daystrom will come on board with the M-5, and you get to keep 20 crew members, and your job is easy, because you just have to sit in the captain's chair and look pretty," adds Wesley.

Kirk looks pretty pissed off about this, considering the fact that this is mostly what he does all day anyway. Maybe he's mad because Starfleet found out.

Kirk's Log 2749.4: "Exposition. Shit you forgot over the last commercial break."

Kirk gets into the lift with Spock and Bones. Bones complains that you can't let one computer run a whole starship. The Spock and Bones Odd Couple dialogue here is awesome, so I'm just gonna copy it down verbatim:

Spock: "The most unfortunate lack in current computer programming is that there is nothing available to immediately replace the starship's surgeon."

Bones: "Very funny. If it could, they wouldn't have to replace me; I'd resign because everything else would be nothing but circuits and memory banks. You know the type, Spock."

The trio enters engineering and meets Dr Daystrom, who is played by a giant black man. This is awesome. Dr Daystrom's character is written loosely enough that they could have picked damn near anyone - any white guy you wanted - and they picked a black dude instead to play the smart-as-hell scientist. Probably to piss of the censors in the deep South market. Anyway, this dude is not just black - he's huge. Standing next to Kirk puts one in mind of Cary Elwes standing next to Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride. Let's say you had written a screenplay about John Henry, the railroad guy. This is the dude you would get to play him. Big with a deep voice.

Daystrom is important. He designed all of the computers that are being used on the Enterprise, and the Daystrom Institute, mentioned in future Star trek spin-offs, was named for this guy.

Spock once again fangirls over Daystrom and the M-5, while Bones complains and Kirk sulks. Daystrom admits to the trio that the computer is called the M-5 because M's one through four fell flat on their collective faces. He then suggests that Kirk doesn't like the idea of a computer-run ship because Kirk is fond of the power and prestige that comes with being the captain. Dude, I agree. Kirk likes to whip out his rank as much as he likes whipping other things out.
He and Bones leave, and Bones has another great line here:
"Did you see the love-light in Spock's eyes? The right computer finally came along."
Kirk is troubled. He instinctively feels that the situation is off, but can't give a solid reason as to why. He wonders aloud about Daystrom's suggestion that he loves the power and prestige of being captain.
"Am I that petty?" he asks Bones.
Bones kind of brushes the question off, so I'll give you a definitive answer, Kirk: YES. Yes, you are.

On the bridge, the M-5 has completed the task of taking the E to a set of coordinates, and Kirk switches it off from his chair.

"That was dumb," he says. "We're here, but Sulu and Chekov could have done that just as easily."

"But they didn't have to," says Daystrom."The computer did the work of both."

"Blow me," Kirk replies.

Spock steps down to the dais to talk to Kirk. "You're being a dick."

Kirk shrugs it off.

Chekov turns to tell Kirk that they're approaching the planet that they were headed for. He seems thrilled. You know how, in "Galaxy Quest", Sigorney Weaver's character's job description was pretty much "repeat everything said by the computer"? This is Chekov's job now. I'd be pissed, too.

"Hey, time to turn on the M-5," says Daystrom. "This task will be approaching the planet, setting up a standard orbit, and making landing party recommendations."

"Screw you," says Kirk. "I make the landing party recommendations." But he turns on the M-5 anyway.

Kirk asks Spock to give him info on the planet while the M-5 makes it's recommendations. 

"So I say we should have a landing party of five that avoids the life-forms," says Kirk. "Me, Bones, Spock, an astrophysicist, and a geologist."

They put in the info tape that M-5 spit out. It recommends the same as Kirk, but picks a different geologist, and eliminates Kirk and Bones. Kirk is confused as to why it picked an ensign geologist rather than the head, and when they ask why the M-5 selected personnel the way it did, the M-5 replies that the ensign has had previous experience with similar planets. It then tells them that Kirk and Bones were "unnecessary." How about that. Maybe M-5 writes a Star Trek review blog as well. Or maybe the M-5 possesses some fucking common sense. When the M-5 says that Kirk and Bones were not necessary additions to the landing party, Daystrom gives Kirk this awesome sad trombone look.

Scotty turns and announces that the M-5 is turning off systems all over the ship. We get a camera sweep up to Scotty, with dramatic music and a commercial break, but it's all for nothing, because when we return, Daystrom explains that the M-5 realized that there was no one on decks 4-6, so it shut off power to those decks to conserve energy.

Uhura reports that there are two ships in the vicinity, and Kirk returns to his chair to check it out. Bones is on the bridge because the M-5 cut power to sick bay from lack of patients. Chekov grudgingly reports that the M-5 has determined that these are Federation ships Lexington and Excalibur.

"Too soon for war games," say Spock. "Maybe an unscheduled drill for the M-5?"

It's an unnecessary line, as the commodore calls to say as much.

Out of habit, Kirk starts to order prep stuff for his skeleton bridge crew, but there's no need, as the M-5 has already done it. Now both Chekov and Sulu are playing Repeat the Computer. The M-5 fires phasers at the other ships while Sulu and Chekov narrate. Chekov keeps making these hand gestures like he's over this shit, and I don't blame him: I was once replaced as an art teacher by a fucking Cricut machine.

The other ships move off, and Kirk asks Spock for a damage report so he can enter it into a log. We get a tender Spirk moment here, complete with soft music. Spock tells his captain that he is fine using computers as tools, but wouldn't want to serve under one. (No, really, can you imagine bottoming to a computer? Probably hurts like hell.)

Commodore Wesley calls to say that enough simulated damage was done to the Excalibur and Lexington to award the battle to the M-5. He congratulates the M-5 unit and "captain dunsel."

Everyone on the bridge looks uncomfortable at this comment, and Kirk, who had been smiling after his Spirk moment, now does a Charlie Brown walk back to his quarters.

"Who the hell is Captain Dunsel?" asks Bones.

Spock explains that "dunsel" is a slang term used by midshipmen at the Academy, and it refers to a part that serves no useful purpose. Kirk is not my favorite guy, but that was a super-bitchy thing for Wesley to say.

Like a good friend, Bones goes to Kirk's quarters with cocktails. Kirk admits to feeling useless, but Bones and his drink manage to make him feel better. He waxes rhapsodic a bit about actually piloting a ship through water and navigating by stars, but he's interrupted by Uhura calling him back to the bridge.

It turns out to be an unmanned, old-school ore freighter. The crew shrugs it off, but the M-5 raises shields and charges at it, firing a pair of photon torpedoes and blowing it out of the sky. The frantic crew, who tried to turn of the M-5 and override it's actions, stares at the screen.

"WTF?" Kirk and Bones yell at Daystrom.

"Um, looks like a malfunction or something," says Daystrom. "Good thing the freighter was unmanned."

"Like I give a shit," says Kirk. "And your dumb computer wouldn't have, either. We're shutting that shit down."

He, Daystrom and Spock go down to engineering to shut off the M-5, but Kirk is electrocuted by a force field.

Kirk's Log 4731.3: "The M-5 has taken control of my woman, and Dr Daystrom says he didn't put that force field on it, which means it now won't let anyone shut it down."

"The fuck?" Kirk yells at Daystrom.

"It's a glitch," says Daystrom. "You have to expect some of those during a test."

"Glitch, my ass," says Kirk. "We're shutting this shit down at the source."

Scotty's unnamed Red assistant pulls out a tool and attempts to disconnect the M-5 from its power source and it fries him. Like, the dude becomes startstuff again.

"You killed whats-his-name! You bastard!" Kirk rages.

"That's unfortunate," says Daystrom. "He got in the way."

"That thing tapped into the warp engines," says Scotty. "It has unlimited power!"

While Daystrom babysits his computer in engineering, our boys have a meeting. The M-5 has taken over all systems on the ship, including communications, so Uhura cannot warn the other ships, who are getting ready for the war games. Spock suggests that the computer can be shut off through engineering on deck three, and Scotty agrees that he and Spock can get 'er done within an hour. Spock then notes that the M-5 is not acting logically, as a computer should.

"Don't say it's fascinating!" grouches Bones.

"Okay. It's... interesting," Spock offers.

And Bones rolls his eyes so hard that I'm surprised he didn't injure himself.

We cut to Scotty and Spock in a Jeffries tube, making some modifications to shut down the M-5. I love these shots so much. I know that they had to go to the trouble to build tiny tube sets and put the camera at the top in order to get these shots, but I feel like the trouble was totally worth it. Also, check out the way that Scotty's arms form a hexagon that perfectly frame Spock, whose head intersects with piping that points to him. The ratio of organic and inorganic elements here is nice, too. Mmmmm, composition.

Down in engineering, Bones asks Daystrom if he's figured out how to shut off the M-5. Daystrom starts talking about child development, and about how the M-5 is learning. 

Yeah... I used to teach preschool. Children do not learn by murdering helpless Reds, mmkay?

He then goes on to talk about how men die in space, and he's trying to prevent that by creating starships that run themselves so that the computers and technology can do the dangerous jobs and less lives will be lost.

"You don't understand," he finishes. "We want to save life, not to destroy it."

Who's this "we", Daystrom?

By request, Bones brings an autobiography info tape about Daystrom to Kirk. They briefly discuss the pressures of genius, and how Daystrom hit it big early in his career and is still trying to be brilliant. Bones notes that Daystrom talks about the M-5 as though it were a child. Kirk responds by noting that Daystrom won't let Spock near the computer. Scotty calls to report that they are done with the modifications.

Everyone meets up at the Jeffries tube, and Kirk tells Daystrom that they're shutting the whole thing down. Daystrom yells, "No, you can't!" and tries to lunge into the tube to stop Spock and Scotty, but Kirk, who is a good head shorter than him, easily subdues Daystrom, because... oh, screw it. You know why.

They think they have control of the ship, but nope. That would be too easy. There are still 15 minutes left in the show. Spock suggests that when the M-5 discovered that they were tampering with the system, it rerouted everything and made that particular Jeffries tube a decoy, making it look active.

"Okay, 'fess up," Kirk tells Daystrom. "Your computer is screwy, and you know why."

"Sooo, people kept saying that computers don't act like men because they don't think like men, right?" asks Daystrom. "So I programmed it with human engrams, so now it thinks like a human. Good, huh?"

(I didn't know what the hell "engrams" were, so I've taken the liberty of Googling that shit for you: it's brain stuff, like the thing that records or stores memories or consciousness.)

Uhura pages Kirk and Spock to the bridge. The four Federation ships are assembling for the war games, not knowing that the M-5 isn't actually "playing."

This shot makes me want to pinch Star Trek's cheek and say "Awww, look at you, with your low-budget special effects! You're so cuuuute!" I'm pretty sure they filmed the same model once, then cut-and-pasted it four times onto the same background. It's cheesy, but it gets the job done. I'm still kind of snickering, though. So goofy, Star Trek.

Up on the bridge, Uhura is desperately trying to hail the Lexington, to no avail, as the M-5 has everything on lock, including distress signals. At one point, the Lexington calls the E to announce that they are here for the M-5 drills, and the M-5 responds back.

"It's cool," says Daystrom in that deep, soothing voice of his. "The M-5 knows this is a drill. That thing with the ore freighter was a fluke."

"You're full of shit," says Kirk, as the M-5 raises it's shields and prepares to fire heavy artillery at ships that do not have shields up.

The M-5 sends a full round of phasers at both the Lexington and Excalibur, leaving them limping in space.

"The fuck?" demands Wesley.

It's a tense moment, so Chekov bites his knuckles while reading from the screen.

Kirk grabs a flustered-looking Daystrom. "There's got to be a way to get to the M-5!"

"I can't!" says Daystrom. "It's totally protected itself!"

"This shit is scary," confirms Spock. "It thinks like a human, but acts with the swiftness of a computer. Everyone is screwed."

Wesley contacts the E, yelling at Kirk to call off the fight, as there are 65 dead reported between the Lexington and Excalibur ships. But Uhura can't override M-5, so Kirk can't respond.

The Excalibur tries to turn and run, but the M-5 chases it down and incapacitates it before going after the third ship, the Potempkin. Uhura intercepts a message from the Lexington to Starfleet and broadcasts it.

"Kirk is nucking futs. The captain and first officer on the Excalibur are dead. I think the only way to stop him is to kill him. Request permission to blow his ass out of the sky."

"You have to stop this shit!" Kirk yells at Daystrom. "You gave it your engrams, right? And you can interact with the program, yes?"

"Yes. I'll try," says Daystrom. He goes to the M-5 to talk to it. "Hey, M-5," he coos. "How's it going? So, you wanna not blow those ships up?"

"Those are enemy ships," says M-5. "Gotta protect myself."

"They're not," says Daystrom. "We're kind of murdering innocent people here."

"They attacked us. We have to survive," M-5 responds.

"Daystrom is losing his shit," Kirk whispers to Spock.

"He's going in circles," Spock whispers back. "He made the M-5 a mirror-image of himself, so he's basically talking to himself."

Bones says he's having a nervous breakdown, and Kirk takes the opportunity to tell Daystrom that they need to destroy the M-5. This pushes Daystrom just enough over the edge that he comes at Kirk, giving Spock a reason to pinch him. They send the half-conscious Daystrom to sick bay with Bones and two Reds.

The Excalibur appears to be dead, and Uhura is getting in the return message from Starfleet to go ahead and blow Kirk away.

"Fuck," says Kirk. "They'll attack us, but the M-5 will destroy those ships."

Kirk asks the M-5 about the "why" behind it's self-preservation. The M-5 tells him that it must survive so that it can eventually replace man in space, to keep men alive. You know where this is going, just as I did: whenever Kirk stumbles upon an out-of-control sentient computer, he must give it an identity crisis and encourage it to commit suicide.

An interesting aside here, from the smarty-pantses at IMDB: Kirk asks the M-5 what the penalty is for murder, and the M-5 responds that it is death. But in the Federation, the only crime that gets the death penalty is visiting Talos IV.

Once the M-5 is taken out, the shields drop. But apparently, communications are still out, so Kirk can't call Wesley and cancel his own death. Instead, he climbs on the comm, and addresses the other 18 members of the crew, and tells them that they are about to die at the hands of their fellow officers. It's cheerful.

Scotty calls from engineering saying that he and Spock have got the shields up, but everything else will take hours to bring online. Instead, Kirk gambles everything and tells Scotty to cut all power.

Wesley sees that the E looks dead, and wonders out loud if it's a trap before calling off the other ships. Of course it worked. It was Kirk's plan, and Kirk is the biggest Mary Sue of them all.

Down in sick bay, Bones tells Kirk and Spock that Daystrom will have to be committed for a while. Spock asks why Kirk chose to go with the opossum route, as the M-5 might have set that trap for Wesley. Kirk replies that he was gambling on Wesley's compassion to realize that the E being dead in the water was a surrender rather than a trap.

The trio gets into the lift, and Spock and Bones begin another brief argument about humans vs computers, which Spock ends with, "I'd really like to see a computer imprinted with your illogical engrams."

And Kirk laughs and everything is awesome because he got another computer to commit suicide.

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 1
Red deaths this season: 19
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 26
Total crew deaths thus far: 43

Plus, a bunch of people on the Excalibur and Lexington ships, but I can't really count those.

*******

This week's tea is the second to come out of that Celestial Seasonings herbal fruit pack: the Raspberry Zinger. Apparently, the "zinger" part refers to the fact that they mixed hibiscus in with the fruit parts, as I've seen another "zinger" tea and the common thing seems to be that flower. The tea isn't terribly floral, though, mostly just fruity, and it's a good raspberry, like actually eating fresh berries rather than some weird fakey fruity taste. I'd actually like to try this tea as a raspberry Arnold Palmer. You can also buy a version of this tea as specifically an iced tea, but it's one of those "zero calorie, sweetened by creepy fake sweetener" things that I don't trust, so you know I won't be trying that anytime soon. Either way, this version is good.

http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/herbal-teas/raspberry-zinger

Season 1, Episode 11 "Dagger of the Mind"

"Dagger of the Mind"
Production Number: 11
Air Order: 9
Stardate: 2715.1
Original Air Date: November 3, 1966

"You know, it's amazing how many super-villains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job at screening those people out."

- Sheldon Lee Cooper, who also has a PhD, incidentally

We open in the transporter room, where the crew is beaming stuff down to a penal colony. The red shirt doing the job is having trouble, and Kirk reminds him that he needs clearance from the colony before anything gets beamed anywhere, as they have a force field around it for safety. So the guy gets his clearance, and they get a box in return for their drop-off. Kirk leaves and the red shirt turns his back while evil music plays. An older guy with Andy Warhol hair climbs out of the box and of course knocks out the red shirt before escaping into the corridor. And I'm left to wonder whatever happened to those other two guys who were working in the transporter room before the red-shirt was left alone with the box...

Captain's Log: 2715.1 The Enterprise has exchanged cargo with the Tantalus Penal Colony, but no one went ashore.
Kirk is on the bridge talking with Bones about how penal colonies have changed for the better since they started following the theories of Dr Adams. I smell another man-crush, you guys. I know that an episode fell between "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" and this one, but don't you think that Kirk would have figured out that when he admires someone, that person is going to end up being the villain of the story?
Kirk and Bones are interrupted by a hail from Tantalus, who lets the Enterprise know that they are short one dangerous inmate. Uhura puts the ship on alert as the inmate takes down a dude in red scrubs and steals his uniform. It's short-lived however, as another crewman calls to him, "Hey you from engineering," and instead of calmly pretending to play the part, the inmate turns and runs.

I don't quite get these scrubs uniforms. Are these supposed to separate the worker drones from the officers?

The crewman reports a stranger in engineering uniform on deck 14. Uhura broadcasts this info and the red shirts go running to secure each deck. Kirk calls Tantalus back to report that the Enterprise has their man, and Dr Adams answers the space phone. Kirk appears to be fangirling inside while he talks to Adams.

Spock remarks to Bones that it's interesting that humans would glorify group violence for 40 centuries but imprison those who privatize it. Bones gets all defensive, and Spock points out that lack of emotion on the part of the Vulcan race has lead to a lack of motivation for violence. You know, I like the fact that the writers can use Spock to point out the weird flaws and hypocrisies of humans. I have to wonder here how much they're advocating for a zen lifestyle. The idea has merit. I mean, how many Tibetan monks have you heard of pulling down armed bank robberies while yelling "Get down, muthafuckas!" like Samuel L Jackson?

The philosophical debate is cut short when the inmate bursts onto the bridge and demands the captain. He is looking for asylum from Tantalus. Kirk tells him that he's not getting shit at gun-point, then he kicks the weapon out of the guy's hand and Spock takes him out Vulcan-style. The unconscious inmate is taken to sick bay and the Enterprise flips a bitch back to the penal colony.

In sick bay, Bones is perplexed. He can't figure out what's wrong with the inmate who, while babbling nonsense, also seems to say things that sound true. He says he is Dr Simon Van Gelder, director of Tantalus. This information seems to be painful to recall, as he thrashes around. Spock later confirms that Dr Van Gelder was assigned to Tantalus six months earlier.

Kirk calls Adams, who says they were working on people who were having trouble being rehabilitated, and that Dr Van Gelder insisted on experimenting on himself before trying it on another person. What, was there a shortage of white mice on this planet? Bones quietly calls BS on this story and they turn off the comm to argue. Kirk fangirls over Adams again, and Bones declares that something smells off in Copenhagen, while Spock suggests that they asks Adams if he wants Van Gelder back. Well duh, Spock. What else is he gonna say? "No, I don't want that dangerous patient back. You can keep him. Put him to work on your ship. He can shovel coal into the warp engines."







Actually, when Kirk opens the channel again, Adams asks if they might drop Van Gelder at a better facility. I'm sorry, what? Bones says that it's suspect, and he's calling bullshit in his medical logs, which means that Kirk has to do an investigation. When Kirk requests it of Tantalus, Adams sounds almost excited, but then asks that Kirk beam down with a minimal complement. The captain agrees because he's got a massive man-crush on Adams. Okay, seriously? This is the same episode as last week, you guys. I bet Van Gelder is a short-circuited android. Kirk asks Bones to hook him up with a blue shirt who has rehabilitative medicine experience.

"Doesn't Dr Adams have the dreamiest voice?"

Captain's Log 2715.2: Kirk is super-hot to meet Adams.

Kirk talks to Bones in sick bay, who says that Van Gelder is still nuts and requests that the patient stay onboard until the investigation is over.

Kirk and Spock go to the transporter room to meet Bones' blue shirt, who is a fox named Dr Helen Noel. Kirk looks mildly pissed, and she reminds him that they met at the Science Lab Christmas party. I pause the DVD to laugh long and hard at that shit. OMG, Kirk. Didn't anybody ever tell you not to recharge your phaser in the ship's outlets? Kirk seems hella pissed at Bones, who hooked him up with an old hook-up. "Tell Bones she better be fucking awesome," Kirk growls to Spock. The Vulcan gives them a raised eyebrow and they beam down.

Hey look, you guys! It's the lithium mining station from the first episode! Ah, good times there.

Kirk and Helen get into an elevator on the surface, and it's pretty freaking fast, so Kirk grabs Helen like a scared little girl. They get off and Dr Adams greets them jovially. Kirk offers to surrender his phaser, but Adams tells him to keep it. Then he offers them a drink, stating that anytime they have visitors is a cause for celebration. "A toast! Let's drink to my addled assistant, who escaped from my mental health facility and ran amok through your ship with a stolen weapon and uniform! Cheers!"

A woman comes in and is introduced as Lethe, a former patient-turn-therapist. "I love my work," she flat-lines. Kirk and Helen look weirded out and Kirk asks Lethe what crime she committed. Lethe replies that it doesn't matter, as that person no longer exists. Adams says part of the treatment is to bury the past. Helen confirms that "a shifting of memory patterns is basic to psychotherapy." (Okay: that sounds weird to me. Anybody up on psychotherapy know if this is true?)

Lethe is super-creepy, you guys.

They take a tour of the facility and all of the patients seem a bit blissed-out. Kirk asks to see one room in particular, and Adams laughs that what's in there was a failure of his. We cut back to the Enterprise sick bay, where Van Gelder is describing a "neural neutralizer". It's a room with a dentist's chair and a device on the ceiling with flashing lights.

Last week we learned what little girls were made of. This week we will learn what the hypno-toad is made of.

Then we cut back to the colony, where Adams has taken Kirk and Helen into the control room. The beam from the device on the ceiling neutralizes brain waves. The dude running the machine is kind of an automaton. Adams admits that even though he considers it to be a failure that he still uses it in the hope that it might work on the more hopeless cases, and that Van Gelder made the mistake of trying it on himself alone on the highest setting. Even though this sounds like utter crap, as it clearly requires someone else to run it, Kirk and Helen both seem to buy it. When they all walk away, we see the machine in use. The automaton turns it on so that the lights flash and his voice projects over the speakers, telling the patient that when and if he thinks of certain memories, it will cause pain. (A funny oops moment: the guy in the chair was seen strolling through the corridor 30 seconds earlier.)

This guy was convicted of the crime of dressing like a teenage girl.

Kirk checks in with Bones, who is concerned about the machine. Helen disagrees, saying it's fine. She seems to be fangirling more than Kirk at this point. Kirk says they'll spend the night and, overhearing this, Van Gelder flips his shit, suggesting that Kirk and Helen will be strapped into the machine, completely revealing a plot that the audience has already guessed.

First Officer's Log, Acting Captain:  Spock is going to mind-meld with Van Gelder.

He's weirded out about doing a Vulcan cultural thing on a human, but McCoy insists that he try so they can get to the bottom of this. Van Gelder insists too and Spock puts his hands on the dude's face like he's going to suck the salt from his system.

Kirk calls on Helen in her quarters that night. She thinks it's a booty call, but he's sufficiently skeeved out by the patients at this point to ask her to come run the machine for him. 

Back at the mind-meld, Van Gelder reveals that Adams uses the machine to erase memories and add his own in their place. Van Gelder says he struggled at first against it, but then when his mind was blank he welcomed the thoughts that Adams offered.

Down on the surface, Kirk gets into the dentist chair and Helen says she will try it for a second or two, then turn it off. He agrees, and after they have done it, he can't recall it having happened.

This neural neutralizer brought to you by The Silence. "The Silence: They're everywhere you don't want to be."

They try a second time, and this time she suggests that Kirk is hungry, which he admits to afterward. They try another. This time, she says that they danced and talked at the Christmas party, but Helen implants a different memory, one where Kirk carries her back to her quarters. We see this new suggested memory as a scene with fuzzy edges. Fake-Memory Helen wonders aloud what kind of reputation she might get if she continues to play with Kirk. This is a valid concern, as Kirk has a reputation for being a he-whore. They make out anyway, and the new memory fades. Kirk is shown in the chair with a shit-eating grin on his face.

But now the evil music plays as the automaton grabs Helen from behind and Adams steps up to the controls. He cranks up the machine to 50 (not to 50!) and tells Kirk that he (Kirk) is madly in love with Helen, that she's left, and that he needs to ditch his communicator. Disobeying or thinking otherwise will lead to pain. Oh, yay. Operant conditioning in action. Kirk drops the phaser but tries to fight back by calling the Enterprise. It doesn't work because the force field is up. He ends up laughing maniacally.

Back in his quarters, Helen wakes up Kirk and tries to convince him that he's not actually in love with her. Kirk sees her in Girl-O-Vision and the Pretty Girl music pays. He seems to sort of buy her explanation fairly quickly and sees an air conditioning duct on the wall that is coincidentally large enough for Helen to crawl through. He tells her to crawl through it until she finds the main power supply for the facility, and then shut it off, even though she has zero experience with those kinds of systems. Whatever, dude. You just want to see up her obscenely short uniform as she crawls away. A pair of automatons comes to collect Kirk for another session.

 Incidentally, how did Helen get into Kirk's quarters? Were they assigned the same quarters? Or does she have her own? If the former, why is she allowed to roam the facilities? She got caught messing with Dr Adams' secret experiment-thingy, so you think she'd be under lock and key. If she snuck out of her own quarters, how did she get into Kirk's quarters? Surely there would have been guards at both doors.

Back the neural neutralizer, Adams is giving Kirk the old "I am your master" crappola when Lethe comes in and says that Helen is missing. The bad doctor cranks up the power and demands that Kirk reveal where she is and what she's doing. He struggles to force out that he doesn't know and then passes out on the floor.

Helen, meanwhile, has found where the power shut-off is without a map of the facility or any signs directing her there. She shuts off the power, but a uniformed goon arrives, knocks her out and restores the power again.

It seems Kirk was just playing opossum and he knocks out both the doctor and the automaton.

Helen wakes up and kicks the goon into the power grid, frying him. With the force field down and Kirk failing to check in, Spock beams into the power room. He smells old-fashioned down-home fried goon, but does not see Helen, as she has scooted back into the A/C ducts again. He restores the power just as Adams wakes up on the floor. The neural neutralizer is still set for brain-washing and he gets a faceful.

Kirk and Helen both end up back in his quarters at the same time and he starts making out with her. Spock bursts in like a third wheel with a phaser, and Helen tells Kirk that he doesn't love her, that Adams implanted that. Kirk's all, "Oh, damn! I left the neural neutralizer on!" like it's a freaking stove or something. They all bolt to Adams' rescue, but it's too late. He's dead, Jim. The machine didn't really kill him, but it emptied his thoughts and he was alone without anybody to supplant more.

Back on the E, a report from Van Gelder says that the machine has been dismantled. Wow, he recovered fast. Bones remarks that it's weird that a man can die of loneliness, but Kirk disagrees, and they get the hell out of dodge.

RIP Roll-Call

Just this dude, who died of "loneliness", which sounds weird, but how many non-weird deaths have we had on this show so far? Nobody seems to die of old age or heart disease. No, it's shit like "disintegration" and "god-like powers gone wrong".

Adams was kind of a lame super-villain. I suppose we can think of him like Dr Korby from last week, where he's making mindless people from criminals, but for what? At least Korby had a reason: he was an android and wanted everyone to be as well. He had a list of things that he thought might be beneficial to the human race if android technology were introduced, but Adams doesn't seem to really give a shit one way or the other. Is he power-hungry? Dunno. Does he want to build an army of former criminals-turned-brainless goons? Dunno. We never even find out why he erased Van Gelder's mind. I would assume it was because Van Gelder objected to his experiment or his methods and was going to turn him in to the authorities, but we don't get an explanation. Maybe he was just a guinea pig. I guess we'll never know.

*******

Vulcan Kitty update: surgeries went well, and while they look a bit funny, they're back to bouncing off the walls. I doubt anyone I know could bounce back from surgery as quickly as they did. This means one of two things: cats are badasses, or humans are wussy. Think I'll go with both.

Uhura and Spock look funny because they had to have their faces shaved in order for the optometrist to gain better access to their mouths and eyelids, but Kirk looks the same because he only had to have some eyelashes frozen off.

*******

This week's tea is an Asian Jasmine White Tea from The Republic of Tea. It's light. There's not much more to say about it. Tastes like tea. Anyway, if you're not looking for something heavy, but you want something lightly fragrant, this is a good one to reach for. http://www.republicoftea.com/asian-jasmine-100%25-white-tea------------/p/V00738/

I also drank a Sweet Tea from McDonald's. Shut up, I'm allowed to drink cheap tea if I want to. You could have tiramisu every day, but you know you buy Twinkies sometimes. So there. :p

Season 1, Episode 10 "What Are Little Girls Made Of?"

"What Are Little Girls Made Of?"
Production Number: 10
Air Order: 7
Stardate: 2712.4
Original Air Date: October 20, 1966

Kittens go in for surgery Wednesday. Just so that I can say I did my part for fundraising, gonna leave this here: http://www.petcaring.com/animal-rescue/rescued-vulcan-kitties-need-surgery-/35765

We're trying to raise a little extra so that we can pay it forward to other kitties with eye problems :)

******

We start this episode with the Enterprise in orbit over some blue planet (no, not our blue planet) and Nurse Christine Chapel is on the bridge. They've changed her hair so that the front is now a light blonde instead of the silver from before. It's much more flattering. Kirk says something about her giving up a career in bio-research, and she replies that she knows "he's alive down there." Kirk says that "his" last message was 5 years ago. Turns out they're looking for Dr Roger Korby. Two expeditions have failed to find him, but because this is the USS Mary Sue Enterprise, they'll totally find him. Unless, of course, dude radios in right after Uhura announces that she's been getting no response from the planet.

Captain's Log: 2712.2 They're orbiting planet Exo III. The Enterprise has been contacted by Dr Korby, who has been living in underground ruins with other survivors.

Korby requests that Kirk beam down alone, as he has made important discoveries of a sensitive nature. Kirk says that he's beaming down with Christine, and Korby sounds excited. Seems they've been engaged this whole time. Kirk is only acquiescing to Korby's weird request because Dr Korby's work is required reading at the academy. He seems to have a man-crush on Korby. Just before Christine leaves the bridge with Kirk, she catches an "I'm so happy for you" hug from Uhura.

Here we have two women who are friends and talk to one another, who have names,
but this hug is about a man. Bechdel fail. *sad trombone*

The pair beam down, but Korby is not there. As a precaution, Kirk calls up and requests a pair of red shirts. They leave one at the beam-down and take the other, Mathews. The trio makes their way through the caverns where they're greeted by Dr Korby's assistant, Dr Brown. Unfortunately, the red shirt falls to his death while no one is looking. They rush back to the ledge and Kirk stupidly asks if there's a path down there. No, dude. The bottom of this bottomless pit is lined with memory-foam mattresses and the sort of soft, freshly-laundered towels that the Snuggle bear likes to jump in. Maybe if Mathews subscribes to the Alice theory, he'll fall straight through the center of the earth and come out the other side, where people walk upside-down.

Christine calls him Brownie. Why do all guys named Brown end up with that nickname?
Do they secretly hate that nickname?

There's a furtive shot of some mysterious big guy, and - holy shit, you guys! It's Lurch! He disappears down some tunnel. Clearly in this Whodunnit, he dunnit.

Brown remarks "Aw, well. Sucks to be that red shirt. Who the hell are you, now?" Then he says "Oh, yeah. You're Christine. Let's go see Korby." Kirk is suspicious of Brown and radios the other red shirt to check in every hour. As soon as the red shirt signs off Lurch grabs him from behind. 

While Brown takes them to Korby, he talks about how the former inhabitants of Exo III were forced underground as their sun dimmed and the planet iced over. They became super-mechanized.

The trio enters a cavern full of furniture and they stop to wait. But when the door slides open, it's not Korby. It's a young dark-haired girl. She's wearing the same overalls a Brown, but without a shirt. The straps on the overalls serve as a shirt. It's a bit like a more-covered version of female game characters' costumes, and most definitely like something you'd see cosplayed at a comicon. I read a smallish interview, years ago, with one of the costumers of this show, who said that conveying sexiness was not about how much skin was showing, but where. It was about exposing skin that would usually be covered.

This new girl introduces herself as Andrea. Dr Korby comes in, and seeing Christine, immediately begins to make out with her. He introduces himself to Kirk, who asks him to list the items and personnel he needs to beam aboard the Enterprise. 

Korby is played by Michael Strong, who is one of those guys who's in everything. I swear I know him from somewhere, but typically, when I look him up, it turns out that the only thing I've seen him in is the thing I've just finished watching.

Kirk tries to contact his other red shirt, who is not responding. He goes to call the ship, but Brown pulls a weapon on him and forbids Kirk more contact. Korby agrees. He insists that his work is crazy-important, and then orders Andrea to grab Kirk. But the captain ends up grabbing her instead, and not in the way that seems part and parcel to his character. Turns out she had a little hand weapon, which he steals. He pushes her away, and when Brown won't back down, Kirk fires on him. Lurch rushes in and disarms Kirk. Christine screams. There's a hole in Brown's torso filled with smoking wires and burned machinery. Oops. Robot city.

Kirk supposedly checks in with the ship, telling them that everything is fine, but when we cut back to the caverns, we see that Lurch has thrown his voice to sound like Kirk. Korby warns Kirk that if he struggles, Ruk may hurt him. (I guess Lurch's name is really Ruk.)

Ruk is played by the awesome Ted Cassidy. While I'm sure he didn't get many "leading man" roles, dude had the market cornered when it came to giant, scary guys with deep voices. IMDB also says that he did the voice of Balok's puppet on The Corbomite Manuever.

None of this, of course, explains why Ruk is dressed like a Golden Girl on steroids. He's already huge, and they padded out the top of his costume. He's wearing what I can only describe as a lavender floor-length robe over a pink patterned dress. They went to the trouble of getting a big intimidating guy, then put him in bad drag.

Korby has Ruk imitate Andrea's voice, somehow thinking that this will convince Kirk that he is trustworthy. Korby is unaware of the definition of non sequitir. Ruk imitates Korby next, and finally, Christine. Korby gets pissed off at this last one, and chastises Ruk. He tells Ruk that he is not to imitate or harm Christine and a quick-thinking Kirk adds that Ruk should follow her orders. Korby pauses, then agrees.

Kirk demands to know what happened to his red shirts, and Korby admits that Ruk was programmed to protect his experiments, and killed the both. The captain then asks if Ruk is an android like Brown, which seems to offend Ruk, who declares himself superior to Brown and states that he was left behind to tend to the machinery built by the "Old Ones". Korby used Old One knowledge to reprogram Ruk, and build Brown. Kirk declares him nuts and tries to escape, but Ruk picks him up like a fucking rag doll and throws him across the room. Korby keeps Ruk from killing Kirk.

Andrea is confused as to why Christine is unhappy, seeing as how she's gotten her man back. Andrea uses the name "Roger", which appears to piss off Christine, and Korby requests that she address him formally as "Dr Korby".

Korby gets down to explanations. Andrea is an android. Andrea the Android? How terribly Stan Lee. He tells them that Andrea is a marvel, that she has a life-like pulse and physical sensation. Christine replies sarcastically that he built one assistant and one "mechanical geisha".

You live with a half-naked girl, and you can't figure out why your fiancee is pissed off.
For a smart guy, you're a dumbass, Korby.

Yes, let's talk about mechanical geishas. There's a conversation in season 2 of The Big Bang Theory that sums it up nicely:

Sheldon: Okay, then, riddle me this: Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year-old killer robot?

Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I dunno.

Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.

Now, I know this is kind of a one-shot throw-away gag, but Sheldon has a point. Why would anyone bother to make a hot android if the point wasn't to seduce someone (ie, the Fembots from Austin Powers or the "machine man" Maria from Fritz Lang's Metropolis), or to get some robot-lovin'?

Built for sexy times (and killing)

Built for killing

Built for seduction

Built for innocently helping Dr Korby with his work

I mean, it would be one thing if Korby had made two assistants, one male and one female, and made Andrea average-looking. Is it bad that she's attractive? No. But it seems like a waste of time to make her extra-attractive if you're only going to be treating her like an assistant. 

Now we come to the question, "Why do androids exist?" If it's a machine, and an intelligent one, why make it look like a person and not, say, a Cyberman? Comfort. People are more comfortable in dealing with AI when it looks like themselves (ie, Data from Next Gen). Okay, I get it: Korby wanted assistants that would be palatable to others. Would Christine have the same reservations about Andrea if she were fully-clothed and wearing a lab coat? Possibly, but it seems like her complaints would be fewer if ANDREA WAS WEARING A FUCKING SHIRT. I mean, damn - Korby fully-clothed Brown. He couldn't be bothered to find a shirt for Andrea? Like this, she offers "easy access", and being an android, she's probably programmed to just let you have it. Christine is suggesting that Korby is kinky like Skynet. I agree. She straight-up asks if he fucked Andrea. Korby replies that she's incapable. Bullshit. I'll bet she's fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques. (Yeah, I know. He meant that she's incapable of love, but you know he's playing semantics to sidestep Christine.) 

Korby tries to make his point by ordering Andrea to kiss Kirk, then slap him. "She only follows orders. She's totally logical." No one is convinced, so he takes them to the lab.

...Very innocently

"This is how you make an android," Korby announces. The lab has some machinery, but instead of an operating table, there's like a playground merry-go-round. A creepy dummy is strapped down on one side. It's lumpy and green and has no features and lacks the bottom half of it's limbs.

Asked and answered: this is what little girls are made of.

A naked Kirk is strapped down on the other side. (We got no shirtless Kirk last week, so they made up for it by featuring a naked Kirk instead.)

Hey kids! You too can have your very own android! Simply strap your friend to a piece of
playground equipment, add a foam dummy, and spin!

While the machine spins, making another Kirk, Christine complains that old Roger wouldn't have done this, that he considered life to be sacred. Korby completes the process by syncing New Kirk to the mental synapses of Kirk Classic. "I could replace the captain and no one would know," says Korby cheerfully. Kirk makes a rude, derogatory statement about Spock (really? Spock?), and to prove they are the same, the android repeats it.

They switch scenes. Chapel is sitting down to a meal served by Andrea, who declares that she is now programmed to please Christine as well. "Great. Could you put on some clothes, please? kthxbye." Kirk comes in and they sit down to talk. Christine is convinced that Roger is really Roger, that he's just acting oddly. Kirk broaches the subject of her possibly having to choose between Korby and taking orders from her captain, and she admits that she'd rather go hang out with Mathews than chose between them. Kirk pushes away his plate and declares that androids don't eat. 

Oh noes, you guys! Christine got duped!

The real Kirk comes in with Ruk and Korby, and he sits down next to himself. They've put New Kirk in the Starfleet uniform and Kirk Classic in their ugly coveralls. The two Kirks have a pissing contest about gastronomic delights, and Kirk Classic grills New Kirk on details of his own life. New Kirk answers correctly and Korby dismisses him.

Then Korby starts monloging, which is how you know he's the villain in this piece. He tells Kirk that he has the ability to transfer consciousness and soul into an android so that essentially a person could live forever. He needs "raw material", and wants Kirk to drop him on a planet with a smallish population so he can secretly churn out androids. That's why he was being subversive - he felt simply showing up on the Enterprise with his android-making kit would get him tossed into Bellevue.He wanted to give Kirk a demo and an explanation. He wants to do this crap in secret because he feels that if he introduces his plans too soon, there will be backlash from "uneducated minds". Now, I have to agree with him in part here. If you're going to introduce something new to a population, it's best to do so slowly and offer up information along the way. There will be some backlash, but you won't have wide-spread panic. This is the correct method for introducing new things. BUT it is not how one takes over a planet with androids. Especially when dealing with a race that prizes uniqueness.

See, kids? You can paint pretty much anything with the logic brush, but the crazy shows through in the end. This is why you find yourself nodding along half-way through Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal", but growing more disturbed the longer you think about it.

While Korby is talking, Kirk has unwound a piece of braided twine from the base of the chair he's sitting in, and he pretty much says "Yeah, fuck you, doctor," before lunging at Korby and trying to garrote him. They struggle and Kirk runs out into the cave system. Korby sends Ruk after him.

Christine is torn. Roger is injured, but Ruk is going to kill Kirk. She runs through the caverns screaming at him not to harm Kirk, and reminding him that he agreed to obey her. Lady, Ruk has zero fucks to give for you or the captain.

In the caverns, Kirk has hidden behind a wall and is pondering a stalactite. After some thought he snaps it off with a loud crack. You can't disguise this thing, you guys. It's a big pink schlong. And it appears, however subtly, to be anatomically correct. I have to wonder... did William Shatner piss off the writing staff? The prop guys?

Anyway, Ruk hears the noise and calls to him in Christine's voice. Kirk gives his position away and Ruk sneaks up on him. They struggle, and Kirk stumbles down a precipice, hanging on with one hand. Ruk considers him for a bit, then pulls him up.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk struts down the hall and into his quarters, surprising Spock, who was not expecting him back so soon, and who follows him. Kirk gets some stuff from a safe. The first officer asks him a simple running-of-the-ship question, and Kirk barks out the derogatory statement from before: "Mind your own business, Mr Spock! I'm sick of your half-breed interference!" Shit, dude. I know that bros rag on each other, but damn. Spock takes it in stride, but is suspicious enough to order a security landing party to beam down after Kirk.

On the planet, Kirk gives Korby the stuff from the safe and says that he's located a planet with a small colony that will fit the doctor's needs. I'm creeped out by the fact that Korby refers to people as "raw materials". Also, his plan has holes. In a small colony, does he think that no one will notice that gradually, everyone will have a doppleganger? Or is he planning to dispose of those "raw materials" once he's made each duplicate?

So of course the one on the ship was New Kirk, who is still wearing the command gold uniform. I want to say that his calling Spock a half-breed wasn't so bad because he's an impostor, buuuut... Kirk Classic said it first.

Stuck in his cavern quarters, Kirk Classic decides to seduce Andrea. She pushes him away, telling him that she wasn't programmed for him. He kind of forces a kiss on her, and she escapes just as Ruk comes in to intimidate Kirk.

Ruk admits that saving Kirk was illogical, and he's clearly pissed off that he had to follow Christine's orders. Kirk decides to fuck with Ruk's head. He asks about the Old Ones and Ruk recalls that the emotional creatures that built androids like himself became fearful of them and began turning them off. He admits that he destroyed what was left of the Old Ones, but that Kirk brought this new chaos, not Korby. Then Ruk has a revelation: survival cancels programming, and Korby invited Kirk into their world. Korby must be destroyed rather than protected.

Speak of the devil, Korby and Christine enter. Ruk prepares to kill Korby, but the bad doctor pulls out a hand weapon and disintegrates Ruk. Remember in The Man Trap when Dr Crater was talking about the salt monster and an ancient Earth animal? Yeah, Ruk was another space buffalo.

There's s truggle between Kirk and Korby, and some skin is scrapped off the back of Korby's hand. Christine screams. Ba-ba- BUUUUUMMMMM! Korby's an android. Show of hands: who's surprised?

Korby tries to convince them that he's the same dude but Christine isn't buying what he's selling. His impassioned plea is interrupted by an alarm and he pages Andrea to get a weapon and deal with it. She meets New Kirk in the corridor and offers to make out with him. When he refuses on the grounds that it's illogical, she vaporizes his ass. Interesting. We completely skip the "I want to live" speech given by the double this week because... he was offed by another double first.

(Aside: if they need an original person to make an android, and Brown was made from the first Brown, and Korby from the first Korby, where did they get Andrea's "raw materials"? Was she part of Korby's original team? She doesn't seem to have the same... depth as Korby. Korby mentioned that his own "raw materials" were dying when he was "saved". Was the original Andrea already too far gone for soul and consciousness transfer? Was she already dead?)

Andrea bursts in and reports that she killed New Kirk, thinking he was Kirk Classic, and Kirk Classic gets self-righteous on Korby, saying that his image of perfect beings is flawed because his machine men are running around killing others. To prove that he's not a machine, Korby challenges Kirk and Christine to test him, but all he can come up with are computations and transmissions. #androidfail

Feeling broken, Korby gives Kirk his weapon, but Andrea refuses to do the same. In her weird, convoluted way, she tries to tell Korby that she loves him, but he tells her that she is not a human and cannot love. That was kind of a dick move. I feel bad for Andrea. Presumably the first female she's ever met is bitchy to her (though for a good reason); Kirk tries to force himself on her and confuses the hell out of her in the process; and when she admits that she loves a guy, he tells her that she's incapable of such a thing. They kiss, and he pulls the trigger on her weapon, vaporizing them both.

Technically, as an android, you're not capable of love either, you asshole.

Christine sobs. This has been a shitty day for her. She gave up a promising career to join a starship in the hopes of going to the planet where her fiance was last seen. She miraculously finds him only to discover that he is some kind of freakish self-aware robot who makes out with a mechanical geisha before committing suicide in front of her. If that doesn't give you intergalactic PTSD, nothing will.

Back on the bridge, Christine tells Kirk that she's staying with the ship rather than pursuing that aforementioned career. Good. I like Nurse Chapel. She has gumption. Actually, most of the women on this show have some kind of backbone. (Yes, even Rand. Sometimes.)

Spock confronts Kirk about his use of the phrase "half-breed". He calls it an "unsophisticated expression", which is Spock-speak for "You're a douche-weasel, Jim. Don't talk shit about me again or I'll put your head through the communications console."

 They prepare to leave, and I am once again wondering what Kirk's reports back to Starfleet look like. I bet half the time they assume that he made that shit up.

******

This week's tea is Wild Sweet Orange by Tazo Teas. I think it's available in grocery stores. I had mine at an eclectic restaurant known for their cocktails and unusual cuisine. It's not super-heavy, but plenty flavorful. However, if you're looking for a hint of orange flavor, this is not your tea. But I would like to say that it's not Tang, either. I tasted a bit of lemongrass mixed in, and just the right amount of licorice (the right amount being "barely present"). It's available online as well if you can't find the one you want in-store. http://www.starbucksstore.com/tazo-wild-sweet-orange-filterbag-tea/000151598,default,pd.html?&srule=Featured&start=0&sz=16&prefn1=teaForm&prefv1=filter-bag&cm_mmc=Tazocom-_-WhereToBuy-_-BuyOnline-_-Evergreen&cgid=tea