Warp Speed to Nonsense

Warp Speed to Nonsense

Monday, May 20, 2019

ST:TNG Season Four, Episode Twenty "Qpid"

ST:TNG Season Four, Episode "Qpid"
Production Order: 20
Air Order: 20
Stardate: 44741.9
Original Air Date: April 22, 1991

So I'm doing one of those food delivery app things, and my GPS (I call her Majel, because why not?) has been fucking with me lately.
Majel: "You're here."
Me: "No, I'm really not. None of these addresses match the one I gave you."
Majel: "Oh. That address is on the other side of that tall fence ahead, at the end of the cul-de-sac."
Me: "I can't hop the fence, Majel. How the hell do I get to that neighborhood on the other side of the fence?"
Majel: "Get on the freeway, then make a U-turn in traffic."
Me: "Are you kidding me right now?"
Majel: "Let's take a scenic drive through this labyrinthine apartment complex."
Me: "Fuck you! Tell me where to take this guy's Panda Express!"
Majel: "You were supposed to turn back there. I'm going to send you a mile in the wrong direction before having you make four rights."
Me: *throws phone out the window and rage-eats some stranger's cream cheese rangoons*

What is the point of this story? I would rather spend an afternoon sight-seeing with a shorted-out GPS unit than watch and review this, the shittiest of TNG episodes.


Picard's Log: 44741.9: "We're hosting this archaeology symposium thing on the E and they asked me to give the keynote, and I'm so fucking excited I could just wet myself like a puppy at the front door."

Picard is in his ready room, pounding the tea and rewriting his speech fifty times. Troi comes in to chide him about going to bed. They briefly talk about being in orbit over Tagus III, and how awesome the archaeological sites are, and how sad it is that the Taguans no longer want strangers rooting around in their cultural sites.

He makes his way back to his quarters, turning down the lights to go to sleep, but there's something on his coffee table.
Ugh, it's a fucking hor'gon. Remember that shit? Riker make him buy one on Risa as a shitty joke. You carry it around and it's like wearing a sandwich board that says "Fuckbuddy Wanted, Inquire Within."
But it wasn't Riker this time.

Oh cool, it's Vash! One wonders how the fuck she managed to get into the captain's quarters without being detained by a security Gold, but she's also a thief, so she probably has good lock-picking skills. Or like, whatever the 24-century sliding door version of a lock would be.
When questioned, she has a pretty funny answer: "I came in through the window."
They make out.

Some kind of music. Opening credits break.

The next morning -

- Picard has breakfast with Vash, and they discuss whether or not she's a member of the archaeology council, and what she's doing on Tagus III.
"Oh, I'm here to see you."
"Yeah, cuz that's not complete bullshit."
There's still a banana in his pocket, though.

The door chimes and Picard makes an "Oh, shit!" face.

He forgot that he was having breakfast with Crusher this morning. Picard bumblingly introduces them.
"This is a thief I sometimes do, and the doctor I'd like to be doing."
Crusher and Vash are all buddy-buddy in that way that girls get in rom-coms when they know they're meeting a love interest of a guy they both know. And Picard is nervous, because the rom-coms say he should be. Vash says Picard told her about Crusher. Crusher is surprised because Picard did not tell her about Vash. Vash is surprised too. Remember this. It's a terrible running joke in this episode. 
Vash asks Crusher for a tour of the ship, and Crusher agrees. They leave together, which makes Picard nervous again, because what if they talk about the size of his peen while they're gone?
God, I hate this shit. Who writes this crap?

The two go to Ten Forward. They mostly talk about how Picard is "a very private man." That will also be a recurring joke. Vash looks out the front window while Crusher gets her a drink. Riker approaches Vash and uses a line on her.
"You must be Riker. Jean-Luc does an accurate impression of you."
Crusher brings Vash's drink, tells Riker that the pair met on Risa, and Riker admits surprise that Picard never mentioned Vash.
Crusher is called to sick bay. Riker will finish the tour.

They go to the bridge, where Riker introduces her to the senior bridge crew, but Worf objects, because as Head of Security, he was not informed that council members weer getting bridge privileges.
"She's a guest of the captain," explains Riker.
Worf accepts this begrudgingly, but I share his frustration. It sucks when you're just trying to do your damn job, and someone sidesteps you. And doesn't say anything. And then corrects you in front of others like it's your fucking fault for not having been informed.

Vash sits in Picard's chair. He comes out of the ready room. They have a halting convo about how they're both going to the reception later, and will see each other there. I get bored and drive a short dagger through my right ear. 

In Ten Forward, Vash has met Troi and is now interrogating her about why Picard never talked about her.
Running Joke #1: the captain never told his subordinates that he got freaky with a stranger on Risa.
Followed swiftly by Running Joke #2: the captain is a very private man.
Vash is starting to come off less than the fun thief that Picard met in an earlier episode, and more like Overly Attached Girlfriend.

Vash walks past Worf, La Forge and Data. Worf unnecessarily compliments Vash's legs.
Why is...
You know what?
Fuck it, I don't even care.
It's probably filler. "Funny" filler that only rates a "heh" at best.
Vash interrupts a conversation between Picard and a Vulcan. 
Oh, God.
It's a DTR talk, Picard! Run!
He explains that telling his crew about their sexy romp on Risa would be inappropriate, which is true. Can you imagine him gathering the senior staff in the Obs Lounge to tell them about a woman he met on a pleasure planet, and what a glorious ass she has?
And if you're thinking that that would make for some hilarious tv, imagine your own boss telling you that. Like, you don't even have to. Just watch that episode of The Office, "Back From Vacation."
Anyway, Vash throws a fit, sarcastically saying that she's sorry she embarrasses him.
I roll my eyes.

Picard, who is not sure how he could have pissed off Vash by being himself, walks through the bridge on his way to his ready room.
Riker asks how the reception went.
Sassy Picard Moment: "Splendid." 
But once in his ready room -

Yay, it's Q! Here to save us from the dumpster fire that this episode has become!
He asks for a big hug.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Q admits to Picard that he owes him a favor: Q would not have made it out of their last encounter alive. Picard basically saved his ass, kept him from killing himself.
Sassy Picard Moment: "We all make mistakes."
"Okay, just tell me what you fucking want from Target, and then I'll leave."
"How about you just leave? That'll work for me."
"Naw, I have to do something. How about I help you rewrite your boring-ass speech?"
Picard looks annoyed that Q read the thing, but I don't know why he's surprised. Q has less fucks to give about privacy than Mark Zuckerberg.
When this offer falls flat, he offers to take Picard to the ruins of Tagus III, because how can he write about something he's never seen? Picard pauses. This is something he actually wants.
But then he thinks better: "No, that would break Taguan law."
Q chides him for taking the moral high-ground, offers to take him back in time to chill with the Taguans two billion years ago, then disappears when Picard turns him down again.
Picard calls Riker in to let him know that Q is back and "wants to do something nice for me."
Riker says he'll alert the crew.

You can pull a Jeff Goldbloom, but the Sexiest Guy in Khaki Award still goes to
Steve Irwin.

Picard goes to Vash's quarters, but makes sure no one sees him go in first.
He tries to explain to her (again) that it's inappropriate for him to talk about his personal life with the crew. (And it would be out of character, frankly.)
Then he stops talking, because he's just noticed that she has a map of the Taguan ruins out.
"You came here to see me, huh?"
"You're the most important part, but yeah." She sighs and frets over being such a well-known liar that no one believes her when she tells the truth.
Yeah, that's all on you, honey.
He walks into the next room and pulls out excavation equipment. "Dude. Come on. The Taguans would do some terrible shit to you if they caught you."
"So what? I dig up artifacts and sell them for a hefty price. That's what I do!"
"You can't do that shit on my ship," he says firmly.
"You can't change me," she protests.
"I noticed."
He leaves.

Vash huffily sits in a chair, and then this creepy shit happens.

Q goes to hassle Picard as he's trying to fall asleep.
"Get the fuck out of my bed, please," says Picard wearily.
"Man, I saw your little spat with Vash," says Q. "I think she'll be the ruin of you yet. I'm kind of sad about it, actually. I looked for a vulnerability in you for years, turns out all I had to do was appear as female. Either way, I'll get rid of her for you."
"Leave Vash alone," answers Picard.
"What if she's the ruin of you?"
"Then so be it."
Q takes off. Picard maybe gets some sleep, though who knows? An omnipotent being just pulled some kind of Houdini-esque B&E in his quarters, so maybe Picard was up all night waiting for Q to come back to hassle him again.

We go to the conference the next morning, and it's a parade of past costume pieces on new NPC characters, and I love it when they do that crap. The costume department has an entire (quasi-fictional) galaxy of clothing to choose from, so why not recycle? It's fun to figure out where I've seen those pieces before.

Picard comes in and starts his speech, which isn't terrible. He starts talking about the mysteries of Tagus III, and then says he wants to tell them about "my detective story." This isn't going to become some Dixon Hill thing, is it?

A hat magically appears on Crusher.
Troi: "WTF?"
A hat appears on Troi. A staff appears in Riker's hand.
This shit happens to Data:

The conference starts to notice that everyone in the back row is suddenly dressed weird, though I'm not sure why they care. Can they hear the whoosh and ding noises that come up when something new appears?
Picard is suddenly wearing an entirely new wardrobe, and then he appears someplace else.

The others join him.

"Aw, fuck me," sighs Picard. "This is some straight Q shit."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

When we come back, the others are trying to figure out where they are. Troi guesses Tagus III. But Picard knows that they're supposed to be in Sherwood Forest, and he's supposed to be Robin Hood.
Sassy Worf Moment: "Sir, I protest. I am NOT a Merry Man!"
Worf is already 1000% done. So when some asshole rides up on a horse and starts doing some male posturing, Worf loses it, and runs at the guy when his sword drawn. They duel for a few seconds, but then archers show up and start shooting at the senior officers, so Picard calls for Boldly Retreating, and they run off.
The asshole does not send his men after them.

Later, the crew is chilling in the forest, chatting amiably in their cosplays, while Crusher bandages Worf's bleeding arm.
Q shows up on a white horse and declares himself to be Sheriff of Nottingham. "Oh. Beeteedubs, I've made Vash Maid Marian, and that guy that Worf dueled earlier? He's Sir Guy of Gisbourne, and he's going to behead Vash-Marian tomorrow at noon. Also, I don't control this real-life holodeck thing I've put you in. Turned off the safeties and everything. So, it'll play out however it plays out. I could send you guys back to your ship, but then Vash would die. Toodles."
He disappears again.
"Seriously - fuck me," mutters Picard.

So we go to Nottingham Castle, where Vash is wearing some pink period costume and they gave her long-ass braids, and a handmaid who is sweet, but annoying her. She can't figure out why the hell she's there, and the maid seems to think she's slightly out of her mind. Vash requests alcohol. The maid offers leeches.
That dude Sir Guy comes in and aggressively tells Vash that she needs to marry him or he'll execute her. Realizing that she may be dead soon, Vash switches gears from irate and confused to sweet and beguiling. Bargaining for her safety is at least on brand for Vash, so there's that. Had Crusher or Troi been made Marian, they would have stubbornly refused, and then just waited it out until the time of execution. (Or maybe I'm not giving them enough credit. They probably would have spent the time trying to escape. Neither of them are damsel types.) But Vash is a bit more Ferengi in facing the prospects of forced marriage.

La Forge, who has been cast as Alan-a-Dale and has nothing better to do, is teaching himself to play the lute he appeared with. Worf, who is pissed at being here in the first place, stomps over and breaks it.
It's Worf, you guys. Worf is the reason why we can't have nice things.
Sassy Worf Moment: "Sorry."
Troi practices archery. Her grip is weird. She shoots Data by mistake. He compliments her aim unironically.
I just noticed that Data's bald pate is made up of plates, and I love that they included those when considering what a bald android's head might look like.

Picard and Riker argue over whether or not Picard is going to save Vash on his own. Picard orders the others to stay behind, then stomps off into the forest.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Back at the castle, the executioner has been busy sharpening his ax. Q comes in, tests the edge, and tells him to make it a little sharper.
Oh STFU, Q. You don't actually know anything about beheading people.
He sees Vash-Marian come down the stairs on the arm of Sir Guy and is aghast when they inform him that they're getting married. Vash has put a monkey wrench in his plans.
"What about Robin Hood?" he demands.
Vash verbally trips for a second, then realizes that as Marian, she's supposed to be into Robin.
"Oh, um. That's been over for a long time. Plus, it wasn't real. He bewitched me."
Guy is all taken with her, and calls her "my child."
I vomit on the keyboard.
Don't do that.
If you're gonna marry a much younger person, don't infantilize them. That's fucking gross.
Everybody exits so that some dude way in the background can step forward and we can see it's Picard-Hood in disguise.

Vash-Marian is locked in her room again. Someone starts to come through the window and she calls out that if they come in, she'll scream.
"Dude, it's me!" stage-whispers Picard.
While he's climbing through, she bitches about how first she was being executed, now she has to marry some disgusting asshole, and everyone keeps calling her Marian.
"I know," he says, standing up.
"You do? How?"
Sassy Picard Moment:

He tries to convince her to leave with him, but she doesn't agree with his plan of sneaking in the castle and then sneaking back out with her. She wanted him to come rushing into the castle with his crew in tow.
This seems a little out of character for Vash, honestly. The last time we saw her, she was all about sneaking into places, then sneaking back out while avoiding detection.
She tells him to go, and that she'll escape on her own at a later time.
Which again, seems weird.
He picks her up in a fireman's carry. Unfortunately, while they were bickering over the right plan to aid in her escape, Sir Guy has rushed in with reinforcements. Picard puts Vash down, and she grabs his sword and points it at him.
"Should have left when you had the chance," she hisses at Picard. "Look!" she calls to Sir Guy. "I got you a wedding present, darling."
Security Metal Britches haul off Picard.

A few minutes later, Q is sitting on a stair landing with no railing when the guards take Picard down the stairs with Sir Guy. Amazingly, Picard does not pause to push Q off the landing. He just mad-dogs the back of the omnipotent being's head and follows the guards.
Q congratulates Sir Guy on his catch.
Guy gives the credit to Marian, which seems out of character for both himself, and a dude during this time period, but it had to happen somehow, so that Q would be impressed by Vash.

Q goes to Vash's room to congratulate her on being ruthless, and she figures out that he's Q. Unfortunately, he's not impressed enough to stop this dumb Sherwood Forest crap, and instead has her arrested so he can put both her and Picard on the chopping block. It's that whole "there's not enough drama for my liking so I'm going to stir the shit pot" schtick. He's found a letter she's written to Riker to come save Picard, and now he can have her declared a traitor.
I like Q as a character, but I bet in person his mere presence is enough to sap you of all your spoons.
Security Metal Britches haul her off.

Later, Sir Guy and Q sit down to a banquet in front of the chopping block, and Picard and Vash are brought out. They're still arguing over whether or not Picard's original plan of "sneak in-sneak out" would have worked.
"OMG, don't you guys ever stop arguing?" demands Q.
"Pretty much no," says Picard. "Can you stop this stupid shit? You were trying to teach me a lesson or something, and we've reached the end of the story or whatever, but Vash had nothing to do with this. At least let her go."

What ho! Who is in those Handmaid's Tale robes behind Q? It's our boys! Shocker!

Data fishes a thing out of his arm and tosses it into a brazier just as the executioner is about to take off Picard's head. The brazier explodes, everyone screams, Picard punches the executioner, and Q yells for Marian to be hauled back to her room and locked up. Sword fights break out. Crusher and Troi show up, but they have no swords, so they're relegated to "girl fighting": smashing pots over bad guys' heads. (Boring.)

Vash pushes a guard off the landing, (nice!) so the other one bodily picks her up while she kicks in her long pink dress. (Cliche.)

Picard sword-fights Sir Guy. Sir Guy declares himself to be the best swordsman in Nottingham.
Sassy Picard Moment: "Very impressive!"
They fight some more.
Picard: "There's something you should know."
Sir Guy: "And what is that?"
That this dialogue is lifted from The Princess Bride, and I half-expect Picard to declare that he is not left-handed?
But no, he tells Guy that he is not from Nottingham. Then he runs him through, and Guy falls from the landing.

Picard bursts into Vash's room, and they kiss, because that's what you expect. Then Picard yells that the game is over, and Q should come out and end this crap.
Q appears and claps sarcastically, and asks Picard if he's learned that being in love with a woman has made him a worse person, and weak. Vash dramatically declares that it makes him a better person, and more noble and selfless.
Q doesn't buy it, and I don't either. Apparently, he considers this whole thing a repayment of his debt to Picard. Then he waves his hand and Picard and the crew members return to the conference room.

But I guess the conference is over, because the room no longer contains the audience?
How long were they actually gone?
Who was in charge of the E during that time?
"Everybody here and okay?" Picard asks.
They all nod.
"Where is Vash?"
Nowhere to be seen.

A sad Picard goes back to his ready room. Vash appears on the couch courtesy of the flash-and-ding of Q's powers. She's dressed the way Q was previously when he suggested a trip to Tagus III: khakis and a pith helmet. (Only her helmet has a long white chiffon ribbon on it, because Vash is a girl.)
Picard is relieved to see her and tells her as much.
"Q's little game at least taught me that you still care," she says.
"I may not show my feelings to my crew, but that doesn't mean they aren't there," he replies.
Which is exactly the same fucking thing he tried telling her before they were kidnapped.
Q appears on the other side of Picard, dressed like Vash (minus the chiffon ribbon).
"We were talking," says Vash. "Q is my new partner. We're gonna see some cool shit that I wouldn't be able to see otherwise."
"No way!" protests Picard. "Dude is unreliable and untrustworthy."
"Uh, yeah," agrees Vash. "Just like me."

Picard admits that Vash and Q are indeed two peas from the same pod, and makes Q promises that if Q watches out for Vash and makes sure no harm comes to her, then he will consider the debt repaid. Q agrees. Then he leaves.
Picard and Vash share one last kiss, then Vash disappears.

The end.

Reasons I should like this episode:
- Vash
- Q
- Robin Hood

Reasons why this episode do not work for me:
- Vash
- Q
- Robin Hood

So it's not that I didn't like Q in this episode (John de Lancie turns in a pretty solid Q performance), it's that I didn't like enough to make me like this episode. And I want to like this episode. I just can't.
Surely, others dislike this episode as well, I thought. I looked up other reviews. Nope, everyone else thinks it's pretty great. Once again, I dislike an episode that others love. What's my deal?
I like period episodes. I like light-hearted episodes. This episode is both. I kind of like Robin Hood and Q.
It's the romance factor that sticks in my craw. I'm fine with Picard's half. I am NOT fine with Vash's. Nothing irks me more than a romance plot where the characters fall in love and magically grow new personalities where they act completely out of character. In the original Vash episode, we see that Vash is basically a professional liar and a thief, but she's fun and exciting, and Picard falls in with her because he's interested in the archaeological intrigue. They end up enjoying one another's company.  We see the lighter, more casual side of Picard and accept it, because we've seen it before. We know it exists. And we've established Vash as the sort of woman who probably has casual encounters with men (maybe women as well, who knows?) without too much concern as to whether or not she'll see them again.

So we know who these people are. We know what to expect of them. When Vash shows up on the E, Picard is glad to see her, and presumably they sleep together casually again. Neither appears to be looking for something permanent. Picard is a bit cautious about exposing too much of his personal life to the crew, but this is to be expected. It's not only in his nature, it's just good practice to keep things separate from one's subordinates. Otherwise, you become like Zapp Brannigan from Futurama, and nobody wants that.

Vash is initially her usual self... but all that changes when she finds out that Picard has not told any of the crew about her. The crew... are not Picard's buddies. They're his crew. And Vash was/is a casual fling. She suddenly becomes a new person, wanting to know why Picard doesn't keep a framed photo of her on his night stand, so he can kiss it before he goes to bed each night. Maybe I'm wrong here, but this doesn't seem like a part of Vash's personality that was always there, but we just didn't see. Seems like a different personality altogether. And Picard being super nervous about Vash and Crusher spending time together seems a bit out of character as well. It felt as though it were being played up for laughs, which is unnecessary. Plenty of things can be done for laughs that do not include altering the way a character would normally react.
Why does this bother me so much? Because I am that character. That stoic character that never gets involved romantically with others. And when they do, they do not react with a completely new personality that gushes over hand-holding and kissing in the rain. But others want us to do so, for their own amusement.
"Wouldn't it be funny if Spock fell in love and got all mushy with a girl? So awkward and hilarious! Good entertainment!"
No. Fucking lazy writing is what that is. Write for the character you've already established, and don't alter them for your own amusement or that of the audience. You lose credibility for shit like that. This is why I hate Spock romances. It's as though the writers are his shitty friends, setting him up with someone on a dare.
For the most part, Picard remains the same person he's always been in this episode. He attempts to explain to Vash multiple times that telling his crew about their casual thing on Risa would be inappropriate. But she won't hear of it because she wants them all to know how much he's in love with her. This episode rings more true to me when they begin bickering again, despite the fact that Vash is wrong, wrong, wrong about Picard's plan. Bickering is what they did in the last episode, and it's something their relationship is built on. You know they care for one another, but it comes out in the bickering, and it fits both personalities.
Please don't make Picard jump on Oprah's couch or have Vash become the clingy girlfriend just because you think the audience will find it funny. It's really not.

Fun Facts:

- The smashing of the lute was an homage to National Lampoon's Animal House.

- Once the love triangle of Picard-Vash-Q was suggested, it then became a question of which classic love story to drop them into. Camelot was suggested and rejected, but Robin Hood was proposed to capitalize on the Robin Hood craze at the time. (Where they got the idea of a love triangle, I will never know. Q is not interested in Vash. Or are they suggesting that Q is interested in Picard...? Now THAT I believe.)
- Somehow, Ira Steven Behr both suggested the Camelot thing, and then rejected it, saying it would be boring.
- Behr was a big fan of Robin Hood and Errol Flynn. (Probably why Picard sports Flynn's signature Robin Hood facial hair in this episode.)
- The Sherwood Forest scenes were filmed in Descanso Gardens, northeast of Los Angeles.
- Jonathan Frakes was injured when his quarterstaff broke during a fight scene, cutting his eye. Merri Howard rushed him to the hospital, but because there was no time to change beforehand, he strolled in dressed as John Little.
- Jennifer Hetrick (Vash) trips over her dress in the scene where we first see Vash as Marian. It was an accident, but made the final cut because producers felt that Vash would not be comfortable in period clothing.
- Jennifer Hetrick and Patrick Stewart were engaged during the filming of this episode.

- Irony abounds: Marina Sirtis and Gates McFadden were the only cast members who had previous experience with sword fighting, yet they were they only crew members who did not fight with swords during the episode. Director Cliff Bole said that he got letters from women asking why McFadden and Sirtis were the only ones not fighting with swords, and he stated that in the 12th century, women would not have fought with swords, and he can't change history. I call shenanigans. Neither of them were playing women characters. They were dressed as Merry Men. I think he could get away with saying Vash couldn't use a sword, as Maid Marian would not be allowed one, but neither Sirtis or McFadden was dressed in typically female clothing. Why make the distinction? They already have the skills. Just let them use swords.
- In the script, Picard is significantly less nervous introducing Crusher and Vash to one another.
- Clive Revill (Sir Guy of Gisbourne) is on the very short list of actors who have been in both Star Trek and Star Wars. He was the voice of Emperor Palpatine in Empire Strikes Back (1980), but unless you own a VHS copy, you won't find him there. His lines were redubbed by Ian McDiarmid for the 2004 DVD release.

- Patrick Stewart later played King Richard in Robin Hood: Men in Tights, as a satirical play on Sean Connery's King Richard from the Robin Hood that was in theaters during the filming of this episode.

- Background character actor John Copage would appear as a archaeology council member in this episode twenty-five years after playing a background Gold on TOS' Windsock Episode  "The Doomsday Machine." Copage would go on to play a recurring background Blue 20 more times on TNG, then get lost in the Delta Quadrant as another recurring Blue on Voyager. (At least, I think they're supposed to be different Blues. Maybe they're not.)

- The theme of this episode seems to be "fun:" Cliff Bole remarked that the whole process was fun. Patrick Stewart said that the crew had a lot of fun working on this episode. And Marina Sirtis described the process as "having a blast."

Red deaths: 0
To date: 0
Gold deaths: 0
To date: 0
Blue deaths: 0
To date: 1
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0
To date: 11,000
Obnoxious Wes moments: 0
To date: 1
Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Geordi moments: 0
To date: 3
Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Worf Moments: 2
To date: 4
Sassy Riker Moments: 0
To date: 7
Sassy Picard Moments: 5
To date: 12
Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 1
Sassy Data Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy Troi Moments: 0
To date: 6
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 1
To date: 4
Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 1
To date: 23
Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 0
To date: 17
Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date: 1
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 1
Picard Maneuvers: 0
To date: 18
Tea, Earl Grey: 2
To date: 8

Gordon takes a post-lunch nap