ST:TNG Season One, Episode Eight "Lonely Among Us"

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Eight "Lonely Among Us"
Production Order: 8
Air Order: 7
Stardate: 41249.3
Original Air Date: November 2, 1987

While filing through Google Images' collection of facepalms last week, I stumbled upon this cookie:

Where did it come from? Where could I get one? Was that even a thing, or was it Photoshop trickery? Nope, it's a thing. A girl owns an online shop where she turns simple line drawings into cookie cutters using a 3-D printer, and most of them are geek-themed. Check it out:

http://warpzoneprints.com/products/picard-face-palm-cookie-cutter

*******

Picard's Log 41249.3: "Gonna go to this peace conference thing on this neutral planet called Parliament, but on the way, we're stopping to pick up delegates from two species - the Anticans, and the Selay. They come from the same system, but they hate each other. It's like Space Westside Story! Anyway, they both want to get into the Federation, so we're taking them to Parliament for a chat and probably some space hors d'oeuvres. We're super not letting them in until this shit is resolved."

So, remember a while ago when we talked about skants, and how they were meant to play off of the mini-dress tunics of TOS female crewmembers? And how they seem to be offered up as short-sleeve unisex alternatives to the longer-sleeved everyday uniforms on TNG, but were also used as formal wear for officers during important occasions? Here we are, friends. Picard, Riker, and Yar are meeting delegates for a peace conference, so they're dressed to the nines. It's a little goofy, the long-tunic-and-leggings combo on Picard and Riker... but Yar's tunic hangs oddly. It's like they decided to make it hang more like a sundress below her hips, as though making it tighter would harken back to those old miniskirts too much. It just occurred to me that on Picard and Riker, the tunic and leggings look like unbelted garb from LARP and Ren Fest activities.

Anyway, moving on: the Selay beam onboard, and check it out! Non-humanoid! Sort of. I mean, they are in that they have the same body shape and number of limbs, but the Selay are reptilian, which makes me clap like a little kid. Yay, non-humanoids! I always get excited for these. They require more labor-intensive make-up and prosthetics.

Also, I like their costumes. Simple and elegant, and there's a color change to indicate which one is more important. In this case, it's gold over red, which is a bit TOS. High-five, costumer.

The Selay actually look like a nice cross between Classic Who and New Who Silurians:

Dude, they also have three fingers, like The Traveler. I imagine the design and make-up people being called in to a really early morning meeting, and the writers going, "We need you guys to put in some overtime on this one, and bring your A game." Seriously, A game brought here. What's more, the jaw prosthesis was clearly attached to the lower jaws of the actors playing these parts, as their mouths move when they speak. Not a lot, mind you, but enough that the whole thing doesn't feel like a rubber mask slapped over an actor's head, like the Tellarites from Journey to Babel.

Anyway, enough tangents and rabbit holes.

The Selay hop off the transporter pads and complain that they can smell the Anticans, who were picked up first, Then they bitch when Riker says their quarters are close-ish to the Anticans. He agrees to provide them with other lodgings farther away.

"We must be upwind of the Anticans," insists Ssestar, the dude in gold.

"Of course," says Riker. 

He gives them that customer service smile that he gave fucking Kosinski last week. I never noticed that smile until I did seven unlucky years as a retail slave, and now I have no idea how I could have missed it. It makes sense, though: when you deal with space-douches (and you're gonna do that when you're given the commission of Number One), you're gonna have to deal with their bullshit demands, and do so with a Starfleet "can-do" attitude. I think I've seen Picard's customer service smile, too. It's tight-lipped and not as convincing as Riker's.

They get underway, and Picard and Riker return to the bridge, now sans dress uniform. They are discussing the hostilities between the two races, and are having trouble understanding them, as humans no longer fight over such things as "god concepts, and even economic systems." This smacks of smugness, not gonna lie. We get it. Humans of the future are awesome and never argue amongst themselves because they're better than that. And also us, because we still fight over god concepts and economic systems. Screw you, Star Trek. Also, not buying that you guys don't understand hostilities. You encounter this crap every time you meet a new hostile alien race. One of the original concepts of Star Trek was that humans didn't have conflict with each other anymore. That's crap. Not only is that not possible, but a show about people with no conflict is boring as hell.

Data interrupts to say that there's some weird cloud thing out in front of them.

Yar checks the computers. "Yeah, it's a weird cloud-thing."

Picard decides to match the warp speed of the cloud to check it out before going on to Parliament.

We get a previously unknown location in the next scene. Geordi and Worf are in some tiny space with a bunch of computer banks and read-outs.

It seems that Geordi is supposed to be there, but Worf is there to brush up on stuff because Picard wants everyone to be cross-trained on things. He doesn't seemed thrilled.

The E gets close to the cloud thing to take sensor readings, and that"s when Worf gets zapped by some kind of energy. The face Michael Dorn makes in Worf make-up is mildly terrifying.

Worf collapses and Geordi calls sick bay.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Dr Crusher and another blue come to collect Worf. When he comes to, he attacks everyone, so Crusher hypos him, then they make him stand up and walk calmly and drunkenly to sick bay. Why did they not bring a stretcher?

Then there's a short scene where Geordi tells Picard what happened, and said that for a moment, Worf was glowing.

Riker goes down to the guest quarters to meet up with Yar, and we finally get to see the Anticans, who it would appear, live on Planet Redwall.

Yar tells Riker that's been some kind of confusion with the Anticans' food supply. The E crew beamed up their live animals and were going to preserve it, but the Anticans want it brought to them alive.

"Oh, sorry," says Riker, and you can see his customer service skills working again as he tells the Antican delegate, Badar N'D'D, that Yar was confused, as humans no longer enslave animals for eating. N'D'D protests, as he has seen humans eating meat before, but Riker says it just looks like meat, and is actually replicated matter. N'D'D is disgusted.

This is actually a sweet bit of exposition here. While it seems like filler for Riker and Yar to be seeing to the dietary needs of the Anticans, it actually plays heavily into the plot, and we get a bonus bit of info here: the replicator doesn't produce meat. It makes something like meat. On Star Trek, the food is akin to the slop eaten onboard the Nebuchadnezzar from The Matrix trilogy. It's nutritious, and contains "everything the body needs," but in this franchise, they have the luxury of eating food that looks and tastes like the real thing. 

Also, a bit of trivia and helpfulness here: Badar N'D'D is never called by name in this episode, but it was written out in the script, so no one actually knows how to pronounce that name. Lucky for me that he actually has a name, though, as I would have run into the same issue I was having with The Traveler. The same is true for Ssestar. Never mentioned by name, but it's helpful that he has something I can call him.

Does N'D'D look familiar to you?

How about now?

Yep, same dude. That's Marc Alaimo, the guy who plays Gul Dukat, my favorite unapologetic asshole on DS9. He played a bunch of guest roles on TNG before morphing into DS9 regular Dukat.

This is what he looks like in real life. Can we get a round of applause for the make-up department? I mean, shit, dude.

We switch over to sick bay, and Crusher is wearing some kind of helmet with Google Glass on the front. I don't know what the hell that thing is, but it's ugly. Anyway, she touches Worf to do her exam, and that blue, glowy light crackles up her arms and away from him. Troi comes in and sees that Worf's numbers are reading normal, and when she asks what Crusher did, Crusher says nothing. Worf wakes up and can't remember anything past being in the little sensor room with Geordi. Crusher mysteriously leaves sick bay without saying anything to either of them.

There's a brief scene where Data advises Picard to check into the mysterious cloud-thing, and while Picard says that he digs a mystery, they don't have time now. They have to get those Redwall guys to the peace conference.

Crusher goes back to her quarters to find Wes studying. In that same goddawful orange bedspread - why? He tells her that, in class, they've been looking at Dr Important-Sounding's research into dilithium crystals and their possible further applications regarding warp theory and beyond. This is very clearly Wes' jam, and really not Crusher's, because when she asks him to tell her about it, he gets this look on his face that I got last weekend when a guy at a party asked my about my Oswald the Lucky Rabbit shirt. (Because, you know, who doesn't want to know about the biggest coup in animation history? ONLY EVERYONE, THAT'S WHO!)

So Wes starts fangirling about this research, and Crusher pays attention to what he's saying, right up until the part where she realizes out loud that this has nothing to do with helm control, and she promptly gets up and leaves.

Ruuude.

She gets off the lift on the bridge and goes to Geordi's conn. Picard spots her and asks about Worf.

"Naw, he's good," she mutters. "He can go back to work now. He just had a thing, you know?"

"WTF?" demands Picard. "That's a bridge officer, so you need to give me a better explanation!"

Oddly-acting Crusher comes up with a pretty good reason to rummage through the E's computer banks: "I'll have to cross-check with the computer. Klingons are so different in their physiology, you know."

"Cool," he shrugs.

She goes to Science Station 2. Data is at SS1, still checking out the info on the cloud-thing, and he notices that she's looking at stuff on helm control rather than medical things. She ignores his inquiry, and a moment later, the blue glowy light runs down her arm and into the computer bank.

Crusher sort of stumbles against the computer bank, and when Picard and Data ask if she is alright, she mumbles that she is, and that she's going to go work in her office. She trips back to the lift and leaves. Data tells Picard that SS1 and SS2 no longer work. calls start coming in from all over the ship, saying that certain things no longer work. Warp drive is down, as is one of the transporters. Picard suspects foul play.

A meeting is called between senior officers. There are a number of people we've never seen before, and which we'll probably never see again. Mr Singh, who called the bridge about the warp drive being down, is present. He suggests that it was some kind of short that hopped from station to station, then righted itself. but none of the affected systems generally interact with one another, so everyone in engineering is completely baffled. Riker looks like he thinks this meeting could have been covered just as easily through email.

Picard tells Singh that he wants some answers by the time they reach Parliament.

In the next scene, Riker puts the smack-down on N'D'D. It seems that some Security Golds found some Anticans loitering around the Selay quarters with weapons.

"No, these are tools used to get food," says N'D'D. 

His explanation seems flimsy, especially when Riker points out that the animals brought on board for them to eat are nowhere near the Selays' quarters.

 "We're taking your weapons," replies Riker. "All of them."

N'D'D assures him that they will not start anything with the Selay while on board the E, and satisfied, Riker and Yar leave.

"But we'll finish it," N'D'D finishes as soon as the door has closed.

Geez, N'D'D. Be more cliche.

Up on the bridge, Worf reports that they are falling out of warp. Picard calls Singh in engineering, who says they lost the link to the computer - warp still works, they just can't tell the ship as much.

"Well, fuck," says Picard. "Data, tell Parliament we're gonna be late."

"Yeah, no," responds Data. "Subspace radio is out, too."

So Picard calls another meeting, this time with just Data and Riker in his ready room.

They agree that it must be a saboteur, because the E is too new to be breaking down.

Star Trek, are you telling me that, in the future, manufacturers are going to stop this BS where they purposefully build things with shoddy parts so you'll be forced to upgrade?

"Well captain, it seems that your warp drive link is down, as is your subspace radio. Together, those things will cost more to repair than the ship is worth. I recommend you scrap it and get yourself a new Enterprise. We'll go ahead and send this one to a third-world planet, where kids can roam through the junkyard and pick it apart for scrap."

Picard thinks too highly of his crew to suspect any of them, so they wonder if it might be the Selay, the Anticans, or Ferengi, who have had contact with both of those species.The topic of private investigation comes up, and when data is confused, Picard explains private eyes to him. This is clearly Picard's jam, and he's quick to flood Data with info just as much as Wes was willing to tell his mother about dilithium crystals. Sherlock Holmes comes up. Data is intrigued.

Down in engineering, Wes has figured out how to bypass whatever roadblock was keeping the computer from connecting to the warp drive. Singh takes over, and fails to thank Wes. Then he dismisses him, because Wes is supposed to be studying now.

Wes puts up a bit of a stink, saying that he learns more through practical application in engineering than in a classroom setting. Singh gives him a smile and an agreement, but points out in a friendly manner that it's captain's orders. I guess that kind of makes up a bit for the fact that Singh is probably going to take credit for Wes' work now. As in, "We've fixed the problem," not "Wes fixed the problem."

Wes goes back to his quarters and kvetches lightly to his mother about having to go to school when he wants to be fixing shit in engineering. She's sympathetic, but tells him that he still needs to go to school. He brings up the dilithium crystal thing from earlier, but she doesn't remember them talking about that at all.

Dammit, why does everyone on this show get cool costumes, except for Wes
Crusher? Let's say yes to those brown pinstripe pants, but "oh, hellll no!" to that
orange sherbet bedspread. Also, I think Bev is wearing a Snuggie. I know this show
was ahead of it's time for all kinds of technology, but did it really predict
blanket-with-sleeves tech 21 years ahead of time?

We go back to engineering, where Singh is working by himself and get the blue glowy light up his arms. Instead of just taking over, the thing kills him. I guess I don't have to decide if he was a dick now or not. It's moot.

Worf comes by a moment later and calls Picard to report Singh dead.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log 41249.4: "Opening an investigation into Singh's death. But we still only have impulse power."

Wes, Worf, and Geordi are in engineering looking at that same console where Singh had been working. Wes says the calculations on the screen are different than the ones he plugged in. Worf and Geordi argue that Singh must have fixed stuff before dying. Wes is skeptical. He says there was an issue inside of the engines that had not been fixed yet.

"Who gives a shit?" responds Geordi. "We have warp, and that's what counts."

So they send the ship to warp and take off again.

Yar goes to question the Antican delegates. N'D'D tries to shrug her off.

"Your dead engineer isn't our concern."

"What were you doing between 1800 and 0700 hours?" she asks.

"Eating."

"Bullshit. That's like, a 13-hour span."

"It was a big-ass animal," he replies.

Yar is grossed out.

Worf reports to sick bay and Crusher asks him about his blackout period. he replies that he doesn't recall that time, and she says she had one also. Troi says she wants to do hypnosis on both of them to see if she can get any information that way. 

Wait - that was still a thing in 1987? *checks Wikipedia* Oh, it's still a thing now. But it's a hotly-debated thing as to whether or not it's actually a thing. I'm wondering about that scene, where Troi hypnotizes them, if it'll end up being like "Where No Man Has Gone Before," wherein ESP is discussed, thereby dating the episode, because the medical community doesn't think that ESP is a thing anymore.

Meh. 

We go back to the briefing room, where Data is smoking a big-ass pipe. He's enigmatically taken on this Basil Rathbone-ish persona, where he's excitable and gestures a lot. He tells an amused Yar and Riker that they can glean information from the things that the alien passengers are not telling them. Turns out our friends, who look an awful lot like Sir Didymus, stopped at a dispensary to get dressings for wounds during the time that were supposedly "eating." He concludes that they were too wrapped up in trying to kill the Selay, and vice versa, to kill any of the crew members.

Troi does her hypno-thang on Worf and Crusher, and then reports back to Picard & Co. that they both said at the time of their blackouts that there was someone else in their heads. She says that when she encountered Crusher and Worf at these times, she sensed a duality in them, which is now explained.

"How come you didn't say anything?" Picard asks.

"Well, cuz humans normally have a kind of duality in their minds. Like, you talk to yourselves in your own minds. But this was different. Not them talking to themselves, them talking to someone else."

Data pulls out his Holmes schtick again to suggest that it wasn't the delegates or any of the crew, so it has to be someone else. Picard tells him to ditch the pipe, so he pulls out a magnifying glass to examine the ready room lionfish instead.

Wes is sitting at conn complaining about how the system just "got better" for no reason, and Geordi shrugs it off again. Then helm control goes down. Picard and the others exit the ready room and get the news that helm is down again. Picard puts his hand on Geordi's station to check things out, and the glowy blue light runs up his arm. Geordi sees... something, and asks Picard if he's alright.

"Everything is fine now," Picard says.

Light dramatic music! Commercial break!

When we return, Picard asks why the ship has dropped to impulse.

"Something is wrong with warp," Geordi responds.

"Nope, check again!" said Picard brightly.

Helm control magically comes back online. Geordi is suspicious.

"Also, turn us the hell around! I want to back to the road-side attraction we passed - that cloud-thing! Fuck the peace conference - let's go get us some scans of some clouds!"

Now everyone is suspicious.

But they don't really get a say in the matter, because Picard is the boss.

N'D'D is pissed off. He's stalking through the corridors, demanding to see Picard, and being followed by He-Who-Is-Yet-To-Be-Named-O'Brien. Blink, and you'll miss him. They run into one of the Selay, and the pair make threatening gestures at one another, while N'D'D yells that he wants to know why they changed course.

We haven't had nearly enough meetings in this episode, so now Picard & Co is meeting without Picard, this time to discuss mutiny. Troi thinks Picard is off his rocker, and that he'll do something dangerous eventually. They discuss how Crusher could relieve him of duty, but she protests that she'd need concrete evidence to put in a medical log. Riker could do it, but he'd have to get the agreement of all of the senior officers. Crusher decides to look into it and they all agree to keep an eye on Picard in the meantime.

Riker's Log, supplemental: "Crusher and I are gonna chat with the captain."

They go into the ready room.

"Hey," says Crusher. "I think you should come with me to sick bay for some medical exams."

"Why?" asks Picard.

"We think you're under alien influence," replies Riker. "Troi thinks so, too."

Then that lousy motherfucker gaslights them:

"Really? Because I think you guys are under alien influence, and need a whole of the same medical and psychiatric tests to prove you aren't. Troi, too."

And they can't say or do anything, because this creepy alien a-hole hasn't actually endangered anyone.

They agree to do the tests.

Over in B-Plotland, Riker is noosed by the Selay in the corridor.

"Sorry, wrong species," they hiss.

Riker calls security to have all of the Anticans and Selay rounded up and taken back to their quarters under guard.

Crusher returns to the ready room with the test results on what I can only describe as a USB. Picard takes it from her and drops it on the desk, uncaring.

"Please," she says in earnest, "are you Jean-Luc?"

"He's in here," is the creepiest reply ever. "We're going home. It's going to be awesome."

The sound effects guys made Picard's voice echo ever so slightly, as though he's speaking with two voices. It's kind of effective.

Psychological thriller music! Commercial break!...

Riker's Log, supplemental: "Back at the cloud. Kind of screwed, because we think there's something in the cloud that's also in the captain's mind, but, you know, he hasn't done anything but detour the ship, so we can't take him down."

Picard exits the ready room.

"I have an announcement," he says to the bridge crew. "The last time we were at this cloud, the ship came too close and it scooped up a life form, which got caught in the energy matrix of the ship. Then it went from person to person, looking for a way to get out, and no one helped it. Beeteedubs, sorry about Singh. Didn't mean to kill him. That was an accident."

"Are you like, Picard plus the entity?" asks Troi.

"Yep," says Picard. "We have a lot in common. We're both explorers and such. We're going to explore."

"I get it," says Data. "As an energy pattern, the captain could go anywhere at any speed. But you can't go, sir. It's a bad idea."

Troi, who can sense his thoughts, says that Picard and this entity plan to beam themselves into the cloud.

"You can't do it! You'll die out there!"

"Naw, it's cool," says Picard. "The transporter doesn't have to beam me out as matter. It can beam me out as energy. This is who I am now, Mom. I'm going to travel the universe with Jeremy the energy pattern, and we're gonna settle on land near Woodstock and raise non-corporeal goats. I've already sent my resignation to Starfleet."

"The hell you have!" yells Riker.

"How am I hurting anything by going with Jeremy?" asks Picard. "I'm not."

Crusher starts to relieve him of duty, but he just turns, grabs the computer consoles, and shoots blue glowy light at everyone on the bridge.

I guess that's one way to incapacitate everyone in the room.

He gets in the lift while they're still trapped by the glowy blue light, and arrives shortly thereafter in the transporter room. The transporter chief (nope, not Almost-O'Brien) is on the floor twitching with the light as well. I guess he passed that shit onto every console in the ship, which means that everyone, including little kids who were working at consoles in the school rooms, is now lying on the floor twitching. Asshole.

He sets his coordinates and transports out of there.

Riker's Log, supplemental: "Been an hour since Jeremy and Jean-Luc beamed out into the ether, energy only. Been scanning, and we can't find a damn thing."

Yar says the transporter chief has no idea what the coordinates were. I guess there was no record or something? Seems like a thing that the computer would do automatically, but I guess if Jeremy the energy thing was in the computer too, it could just erase it? Whatever. I don't care enough to pick it apart.

"We can't just give up!" says Geordi.

"What do you want me to do?" demands Riker in frustration.

I KNOW! YOU SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER MEETING!

Riker finally says they have to go, and he tells Geordi to set their heading for Parliament, but then Troi says she "found" him, and he's out there alone because the combination of Picard and Jeremy "wasn't possible."

Some of the consoles crackle with energy, and a P appears on Geordi's console panel.

Ugh, that's so cheesy. I'm not sure what else they might have done instead to alert the crew that Picard was in the computer circuitry, but posting a P to a console panel is so goofy.

Data rushes to the transporter room with Riker and Troi in tow. His hope is that Picard will recall that the transporter has his physical form on file, as he was the last person on the pad, and that he will go there to be inserted back into his own body. Everyone is all, "Is this going to work?" but there's like, two minutes left in this episode, soooo... yes.

"What the fuck am I doing in the transporter room?" Picard demands, stepping off the pad. "I remember being in here, and I was going to transport... somewhere... but I don't remember."

Everyone is like, "Yay, the captain's back!"

"Dr Crusher says you should go to sick bay for a rest," Riker tells him.

Then the door opens and Yar bursts in.

"There's blood on the floor outside of the Selay delegates' quarters, and one of the cooks says the Anticans want them to cook up a reptile, and it looks like a Selay!"

"Yeah, I do need a rest," says Picard. And he exits.

Yar looks at Riker. Riker looks at Troi. Troi is smiling like she's holding back a laugh. And light, playful music plays, and the credits roll.

What?

HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING COMM BADGE.

Are you kidding me, Star Trek?

You're ending on a cannibalism joke?

Really?

You're heading to a peace conference, and a dude ate another dude, but this is hilarious?

WTF?

OMG. Is this better or worse than ending with a racist remark about Vulcans?

You lost me, Star Trek.

I just... damn.

*******

Dear members of the Singh family,

This is to regretfully inform you that one of your own (first name) Singh, has been killed in the line of duty. He died well, doing his job admirably at his post, but unfortunately, was fried by a runaway entity that stowed away with the ship when we flew through some cloud-thing in the middle of nowhere. I was personally possessed by this entity for a while, and it assures me that your family member's senseless death was a total accident, and he totally didn't mean to do it. I'm sure it would have written this letter itself if it had hands... or a body, or corporeal form of any kind.

Sincerely, 

Jean-Luc Picard,

No longer joined to Jeremy, the errant energy pattern

Fun Facts:

- First instance of a crewman dying on board the Enterprise-D.

-This is the only episode where we see Tasha Yar in dress uniform.

- Colm Meaney shows up for the second and last time in season one on TNG. He won't actually get a name until season two, when he shows up in more than half of the episodes.

- Because Marc Alaimo's first Star Trek role included heavy make-up, a cast was taken of his face. This would come in handy later, as the make-up department would use it time and again to create new  facial appliances and make-up for other characters he would play.

- James McElroy, who played several bit parts and background characters in TNG and Enterprise, started out on Star Trek as one of the Selay delegates. He noted that his make-up call for the Selay delegate character began at 4:30 in the morning.

- Marc Alaimo's long, strong neck muscles were influential in creating the look of the Cardassians, as this was the inspiration for the neck ridges of that species.

- This episode marks the first time Data plays at being Sherlock Holmes.

- First appearance of the PADD. Though similar devices appeared on TOS, those were actually electronic clipboards, and did not interface with the Enterprise's computers the way the PADDs did. PADD designer Rick Sternbach has said that he didn't necessarily think the PADD was a direct influence on Apple's iPad, but rather that the PADD was a natural continuation of technology as imagined by people before and after himself. He notes that today's devices are actually less limited in their uses than the way PADDs were used on-screen in Star Trek.

- The role of N'D'D is uncredited to Marc Alaimo. He did that on purpose, not knowing if it would add to his resume or take away from it. But he later said the role was "fun."

- "Lonely Among Us" is TNG's first so-called "bottle show." These episodes are created with mostly already-existing sets and very few guest stars. This way, the budget can be contained and the money that would have been spent on these things could be given over to other, more expensive episodes. TOS episodes that were bottle shows include "The Naked Time" and "The Doomsday Machine."

*******

I went into a Whole Paycheck this week, looking a certain kind of lemonade, which I don't think that particular store carries. But I found new tea, so that works. This time, I grabbed a few bottles of Third Street. Because it's Whole Paycheck, the label is covered in declarations like "organic Fair Trade non-GMO." Also, it's gluten-free! Yay!

Anyway, beyond the ridiculous, the tea is pretty good. The first one I tried was the Peach Black Tea, because I'm apparently addicted to peach tea.Here's the thing about the sweetened Third Street teas: they're pretty freaking sweet. It's made with actual peach juice and cane sugar, so it's not sweetened garbage, but if you don't take your tea sweet, avoid the peach tea.

Either way, the art on the bottles is bad-ass, and worth a look even if you don't end up buying it:

https://www.drinkthirdstreet.com/

Uhura, Bratty, Mo

"Star Trek: The Motion Picture" (Part 1)

"Star Trek: The Motion Picture"
Original Theatrical Release Date: December 7, 1979
Rating: G
Stardate: 7410.2

Okay, bear with me, cuz it gets complicated fast here.
So in 1976, it was proposed that they do a film called Star Trek: Planet of the Titans. Basically, the TOS characters get into it with the Klingons, and there's some stuff about an extinct mythical race called the Titans. They end up going back in time to an Earth thousands of years in the past, and after the crew teaches primitive Terrans about fire, they figure out that they happen to be the mythical Titans. The project got the axe in '77.
That same year, an idea was floated to turn "Titans" into a reboot of TOS. They called it "Star Trek: Phase II," and they were going to reuse a bunch of the same costumes and stuff from TOS. Paramount was aiming to start a new television network (which much later ended up becoming Fox), and they wanted to do another Star Trek, because why the hell not? That series had a built-in fandom that did not show signs of fading. They brought most of the principle players back, with the exception of Leonard Nimoy, who felt he got the shaft on royalties and was not interested in playing with CBS or Paramount anymore.

David Gatreaux as Xon

They also brought three new crew members aboard, including William Decker, son of Commodore Decker, the dude from the TOS windsock episode. Also included: Ilia, a Deltan; and Xon, the young, Vulcan first officer who would replace Spock. These characters were cast, and scripts drawn up, the first of which was called "In Thy Image" and which was to be a feature-length pilot. But near the end of 1977, they again gave the project the axe, and decided to do "In Thy Image" as a film. Two scripts that had been written for Phase II were recycled and used in TNG instead ("The Child" and "Devil's Due"). The remainder of the Phase II scripts were later used to make a fan series originally called Star Trek: New Voyages but the name was later changed to Star Trek: Phase II. So now, when you look up Star Trek: Phase II, the search engine asks if you want the defunct series that never aired in the late seventies, which came from the ideas of one movie proposal, and ended up becoming the idea for another film; or if you're looking for the fan-made series from the early 2000's that was made with scripts from the aforementioned scrapped late-seventies show.
Confused yet? I did warn you.

Early poster for TMP, utilizing Phase II concept art

The director of this new film, Robert Wise, was told by his wife that Star Trek is not Star Trek sans Spock, so Wise went to Nimoy with a check in hand for the amount of the lost royalties. Nimoy joined the cast, which meant that they no longer needed Xon the younger Vulcan, and actor David Gatreaux received the part of Commander Branch instead. Xon's fascination with humans was then recycled into a character trait for TNG's Data.
Let's check back in with Gene Rod, shall we?
From early on, our boy was kind of obsessed with his characters meeting God, and we know by now that the network was not down with that idea at all. Meeting God was blasphemous, but meeting the Devil was perfectly fine, which is how two Enterprise crews meet the Horned One (TAS: "The Magicks of Megas-Tu" and TNG: "Devil's Due"). Because Star Trek is nothing if not green, Gene kept recycling this "meeting God" idea until several films and episodes had shades of the idea, and we finally got the most literal version of the story in the unfortunate-as-hell fifth film "The Final Frontier." Oh, Gene. The idea of meeting God is not going to work well, now matter how you write it.

In the meantime, dude kept getting shunted sideways out of his own projects. The networks found him difficult to work with because he wanted to retain a lot of control over his characters, and so they would give him bullshit titles like "Executive Consultant in Charge of Hanging Out in that Office Upstairs, And No You Don't Have to Take His Advice or Input Seriously."

tl:dr: film, not film. Show, not Spock. Not show, Spock. Film, not Gene. Maybe God? Definitely Chekov.

*******

So we start out with a receding shot of space, passing stars on either side, and a selection of music known as "Ilia's Theme." Star trek was one of the few Hollywood productions, and one of the last, to include the practice of playing a minute or so of music before an "epic" film. It's a lovely selection, but I wonder what audiences were doing during that time? Were they wondering when the movie was going to start? Whispering to one another? If this was playing today, phones would be popping out.

Then we get the Paramount screen and finally the title screen, and the music switches over to what became the TNG theme.

After the rousing romp we enjoyed with the cheery TNG music, the movie then sets the mood to be a little darker and more mysterious. Then - 

fuck yeah, Klingons!

That's some iffy green-screen, but I'm shrugging it off because it's 1979, and those models are hella sweet. We get some close-up shots, which is what happens when the studio has money to spend on your production. Then we see them flying into some blue cloud thing.

We go inside one of the cruisers, where it's dark and dingy, and actually kind of the sort of ship you'd expect to see flying around in space. And these Klingons, man. I lurves me some Klingons, and we jumped light-years ahead in design with these guys. 

Gene Rod always wanted the Klingons to look more "alien" but with his crappy little budget, it wasn't possible to do anything but... well, brownface. Here, we got cranial ridges, sharpened teeth, and full-on armored uniforms. These new Klingons are awesome as hell.

I know it's not the case, but with everyone on board this ship having the same
 cranial ridges, my brains wants to declare them all clones. This film, of course,
falls before the time when they decided that cranial ridges are like Klingon
fingerprints.

Okay, so if you go way back and read these reviews from the beginning, you'll note how baffled I was at those first Klingons. I'm pretty much a straight TNG girl, and being used to TNG-era Klingons, I could not figure out how we had gotten from TOS Klingons to TNG Klingons, because as it turned out, this was my missing link. I imagine I sounded like a full-on noob back then. Oops. Really, all I knew of it was Worf muttering "We do not discuss it with outsiders" once, which I took to be a huge cop-out and a missed opportunity for some cool backstory. There again, I had not watched any of the TOS-based shows or films, so I had no idea that a backstory actually existed, and only I was not in on the joke. Womp-womp. The backstory goes like this: Klingons posted in places very near humans, who might be coming into contact with said humans, were surgically altered to appear to be more like humans so that it might ease relations with them. The practice was later dropped when it was discovered that human would treat Klingons the same either way. Another backstory says that an illness ripped through the Klingon Empire, one that left victims deformed and ridgeless. This second backstory comes from several episodes of Enterprise. So, backstory one or backstory two, that shit gets explained either way.

Also, notice the subtitles? They're speaking Klingonese! Gene was over the idea that Klingons should speak English all the time, so he hired a linguist to invent a Klingon language. He was dissatisfied with the outcome, and Jimmy Doohan actually created the Klingonese used for this movie, coaching the actors on how to pronounce their lines just before the scene was shot.

Anyway, back to the film: our Klingons have fired torpedoes into the blue cloud thing, but were not met with success.

We switch over to some kind of station, where humans pick up what appears to be a distress call from the Klingon ships. It seems that firing weapons into the blue cloud thing was fucking dumb, as the cloud is now taking down the cruisers with lightning bolts. The commander of the remaining cruiser attempts to fire another torpedo at the approaching lightning bolt thing, but too late. The lightning bolt eats torpedoes for breakfast, and the Klingons fry.

The humans in the space station watch the cruiser disappear.

"Well, fuck."

"Um," says one girl at the control panel, "went ahead and plotted the course of that cloud. It's headed for Earth."

Weird-ass dramatic music!

Guess where we're going next? Yes, yes, yes! Vulcan!

Ack! God! Spock with long hair! No, no, no, no!

Spock is supposed to be at some monastery or something, practicing kolinahr. He approaches what I guess is a sacred area or something, and a woman in white tells him that he done good with the kolinahr. She tries to put a necklace on him, which is probably the Vulcan gold star or something, but he stops her. He looks weirded out, and she melds with him to find out what's wrong. Turns out he hasn't actually achieved kolinahr, and that the answers he needs to find are out in space. She says his human half is calling him back out there. She sort of smirks when she says it, too. Bitch. So humans are racist against Vulcans, and Vulcans are racist against humans. Spock just came out to achieve some peace, and honestly, I think he's being so attacked right now.

Also, didja notice that we got more subtitles? Yup, they're speaking Vulcan. The scene was filmed in English, but apparently it felt weird, so remember that guy they hired to create a Klingon language? He also created a Vulcan language. This time, though, the language he made worked well, and then they reordered the wording so that what they were saying in Vulcan sort of synced up to the scene as filmed in English. It's standard procedure for dubbing a lot of foreign films these days.

"Later, gator," she tells him, and she and her two boy toys take off.

We cut over to San Francisco, and the integration of flying vehicles and futuristic buildings is actually pretty fabulous.

 It's about two and half years since the end of the five-year mission, and Kirk has been promoted to admiral. He gets off a shuttle and starts a convo with another Vulcan science officer, but there's clearly some kind of stick lodged up his butt, because he's being all "I outrank you, pleb," like all admirals on this show tend to be. God, are all admirals like that IRL? Is "insertion of stick" the procedure that follows your promotion ceremony to admiral in Starfleet?

Clearly, the science officer feels the same way, because when Kirk walks off, the man cocks an eyebrow at him, which we all know is the Vulcan version of giving someone the finger.

We go up to a space station in orbit around Earth. This film clearly spent a mint on their model shops, and it shows. They obviously want to get their money's worth, so each time a model is involved, we get a slow close-up shot of it. These scenes are a little slow, but the models are really awesome, so let's check out the station:

This is where Kirk beams to. He hops off the pad and is met by a mustachioed Scotty. That 'stache is not my favorite, but that seems to be Scotty's look going forward, so I guess I don't get a vote. Let's talk about these uniforms for a sec: Kirk's is not bad. It has some accent color to it, and it's pretty straight-forward. But Scotty's is the color of muddy clay, and the uniforms for this movie were difficult to get in and out of because the shoes were attached to the pants. They seriously hired a cobbler from Gucci to come in and make the shoe-pants by hand. One stipulation that each of the cast members made when agreeing to do the second was, "Please get rid of those fucking uniforms!" 

So how did we get these, anyway? The powers that be decided that the red, gold and blue were too garish for the big screen, and that the ladies' tunics were sexist. (Really? I'm shocked.) So they switched to drab, form-fitting uniforms with "futuristic" pants-shoes. No, thank you.

As soon as Kirk sets foot in the space station, he starts bitching at Scotty, who bitches back. Seems that the E was redesigned and refitted, and they still have another 20 hours worth of work, but Kirk wants it done in twelve. Also, he's pissy because he has to be shuttled over, because the E's transporters are down.  He reveals to Scotty that they have to get the E up and running in twelve because the blue cloud thing is going to reach Earth in three days, they need to be ready. Then he tells Scotty that he managed to be reinstalled as the guy in the captain's chair. Scotty's congratulatory arm touch is so sweet that I found myself saying, "Just kiss already!" Hmmm, never really considered a Kirk-Scotty ship before now.

We get a lovely action shot next where the shuttle pod comes up on the Enterprise, still in it's docking bay, and there are multiple angles and music that I can only describe as being a "Star Trek Suite." It's slower and more nostalgic than the regular TOS theme. I think it was meant as a love letter to both Kirk and to the audience of Trek fans who had probably spent ten years waiting to see that ship again. For those who watched the animated series, the wait was closer to five, but either way, the wait is unfun. I know. I've been waiting 19 years for the third book in a trilogy to be released. After a while, you just stop hoping. As near as I can tell, the time spent between the end of TOS and the animated series is the longest between old and new Trek content that has ever occurred. People absolutely were ready to see that ship again.

While it's funny to note that here, Kirk is only being shuttled to the ship because the transporters are down, the decision was made that captains of new ships should approach them for the first time via shuttle. I think that decision was actually a good one. Not only could you get in some awesome establishing shots of the ship, but in-universe, the captain is allowed to view the ship in all its wonder before boarding. Simply beaming over means that you don't really get a look at the bigger picture.

Kirk and Scotty, dock, and Scotty is called down to Engineering right away. Kirk takes the fancy-pants lift to the bridge, which is in chaos, because they now have eight fewer hours to complete work on the thing before it goes live. He's greeted by Uhura, who is already sitting at communications.

Nichelle Nichols hated these uniforms especially, saying they "weren't Uhura."
While I agree with her, the uniform does look pretty good on her. But let's be
real: Nichelle could rock a burlap sack.

The dude in the chair behind her gets up and -

YAAASSSS.

Kirk asks where Captain Decker is, and Sulu says he's in Engineering, and oh, BTW, he doesn't know that Kirk is now in charge. Sucks to be Decker. Kirk tells them to gather on deck at four am, because he's gonna tell them about the blue cloud. Ugh, I know they're running on twenty-four time-tables, but shit. I'm going nowhere at four am, unless it's to the bathroom.

Kirk climbs in the fancy lift again to go give Decker the crappy news that his command has been... commandeered.

Decker does not take the news well. He was all happy to see Kirk at first, but then Kirk is all, "You're being temporarily demoted for this mission because I have five years' experience with this ship."

"Um, it's a brand new ship?" points out Decker.

"Yeah, that's why you're the first officer," says Kirk. "Sorry," he adds.

"Lying motherfucker," says Decker. "When I got this post, you said you were jealous and wanted another commission for yourself. Well, good job, you got it."

Damn. Tell it like it is, Decker.

Kirk pulls rank and tells him to report to the bridge.

Scotty gives Kirk a sad look, but then a panel behind him explodes. Someone is trying to beam over, but there are still problems with the equipment. Scotty and Kirk run to the transporter room.

Y'all... it's Rand.

And she's not wearing that fucking wig! Yes!

A quick thing about Rand: it's no secret that she was not my favorite TOS character. But I liked Grace Lee Whitney, who seemed like a nice lady. She was well-liked by the cast and crew, and when she was let go in season one, people were never told why. Rumors surfaced about substance abuse later on. Either way, I'm actually kind of glad to see her back. As long as she doesn't fall back into her old habit of hitting on Kirk, we're good.

Kirk and Scotty try to help Rand boost the signal, but only part of the pattern gets through and Rand whispers, "Oh no, they're forming." She turns around so she doesn't have to watch. We are not so lucky. The two people beaming over become these human-shaped blobs shielded by the sparkle of the transporter, at which point they start screaming and vanish. Kirk calls Starfleet and asks if they re-materialized.

"Enterprise, what we got back didn't live long... fortunately."

FUCK, DUDE.

So one of the people who died on the transporter pad was that Vulcan science officer that Kirk was rude to in that earlier scene at Starfleet headquarters. Kirk encounters Decker in the corridor and tells him that because no one else is available, he's going to have to double as first officer and science officer instead. Decker seems thrilled.

At four am, Kirk shows the assembled crew the footage of the Klingons getting fried by the blue cloud. He says their mission is to intercept it, and possibly take it down. At the end of the video, Epsilon 9, the station that got the footage originally, calls to tell Kirk that the cloud is some kind of energy field. and it's huge. They're under attack. The transmission starts cutting out, and when Kirk asks for an external view, it shows the cloud, the lightning effect, and someone doing a space walk who most likely got fried just after the camera shut down.

Good Lord. We're not quite a quarter of the way through this film, and we've already killed a buttload of people. Where is Bones? I need a really terrible Bones joke to get through this already-downer film.

On the bridge, Kirk has changed into the grey jumpsuit thing, which is not as nice as his admiral uniform. Uhura reports that the transporters are functioning normally again, and that replacement crew are coming onboard.

"Whoa," she says. "We're getting a Deltan navigator named Ilia."

Ilia enters the bridge, and both Sulu and Chekov look up because Persis Khambatta, the girl playing Ilia, was an Indian model and she's stunning, even with her head shaved bald.

(Fun fact: even though Khambatta was hired to play Ilia for Phase II, and knew well in advance that she would have to shave her head for the part, she was still paranoid that it would not grow back, and kept her hair in a box, insuring it "just in case." Surprise, it grew back.)

Ilia and Decker know each other, as Decker was stationed on her home planet years back. They are friendly, but then she asks why he is a commander. Kirk says he has the utmost respect for Decker, and that he feels that they will both do a good job and be professional. She takes this as a slight, and tells him sharply that her oath of celibacy is on file with Starfleet. Why? Because Deltans have sex constantly. Like, with everyone. And humans can't handle their appetites. So Deltans in Starfleet have to agree to not fuck the crew. This isn't actually discussed in the film, so maybe you're supposed to guess?

Uhura reports that the last of the crew is ready to beam up, but one of them is refusing to do so. She has the tiniest smile on her face, because we all freaking know who it is.

"Cool," says Kirk. "I'll take care of it."

He goes down to the transporter room, where four people are hopping off the pads. The last one tells him that the remaining crew member wanted to see everyone else's molecules scattered in the machine before he went. Kirk calls Starfleet to say that they're ready for the last guy to beam up.

This is what appears there.

I'm sorry, Bones. Did you fuse with a tribble in the transporter? That shit needs to go.

Seems Bones was retired or something, and got called back on reserve duty, so he's not exactly happy about being here.

"I got drafted!"

"No..." says Kirk. He admits that he requested the doctor. "Dammit, Bones! I need you! Badly!" And he extends his hand. Bones takes it, and they share a look.

Wow, all of the slash ships are out in full force with this film.

Now installed as the new doctor, he gets right back to good-naturedly bitching about everything.

"I heard Chapel is a full-fledged doctor, so I need a top-notch nurse, and I bet they changed up my whole sick bay, because engineers love to do change shit!"

And that is exactly what I needed after all that freaking death.

Annnnd, we leave.

Kirk's Log 7412.6: "In order to get to the cloud thing in good time, we have to risk warp drive before leaving the solar system."

Um... has that always been a problem? Because I feel like they've gone to warp in plenty of solar systems.

Bones enters the bridge, sans furry chin, and bitches briefly about his new sick bay. Kirk gets into it with Decker about needing warp drive now, without doing more simulations. Scotty complains that they need more simulations, too. Kirk goes a bit Veruca Salt, because he wants it now. Bones wisely tells him to STFU and let people do their jobs. But Kirk insists, and Sulu takes the ship to warp one. They go to plaid.

But then something goes wrong, and they go to... I dunno, rosette? It's actually a pretty cool effect.

So this hilarious thing happens: on the show, when something would happen, and the crew would get a rough ride, all of the actors on the bridge would shake. And they would shake the camera so it was obvious why people might be falling out of their chairs. Here, all of the actors shake and bounce in their chairs, but the camera is not shaken. It's funny to watch. It doesn't so much look like they're in for a rough ride as it looks like they're just shaking themselves.

Anyway, Kirk is looking around while his bridge crew tries to compensate for their fuck-up. It's hard to hear what they're saying because their voices are distorted and Ilia has a really thick accent, but time is apparently slowing down, and Kirk asks "Tiiiiime to impaaaaact?"

Ohhh, Kirk. You really have fucked up all the shit, haven't you?"

Okay, so I guess there's an asteroid or a potato in their stream, or something? Kirk wants to phaser it, but Decker yells, "Nooooooo, torrrrrpeeeedoes!"

They drop out of the rosette thing just before the torpedo goes off and destroys the asteroid. Everything goes back to normal. No damages, but Scotty reports that they entered a wormhole because there was an imbalance in the warp engine. Implying that Scotty and Decker were right about not going to warp without running more simulations.

Kirk asks Decker to his quarters, and Bones decides to tag along. That has to be the most awkward lift ride ever.

Kirk tries to ream Decker about counter-manding his phaser order, but Decker explains that the E was redesigned in such a way that phasers would not have worked, or could have possibly fucked up more shit.

"Oh, so you actually saved our asses..." murmurs Kirk.

"Yeah, I'm aware," Decker replies.

Kirk barks at Decker about not competing with him. Decker asks to speak freely, then points out that Kirk has not been in space for more than two years, and has no idea how this ship works. Basically, just because a ship is named "Enterprise," that doesn't mean Kirk actually knows anything about it. Kirk realizes this too, and asks quietly if Decker will subtly help him with this mission. Decker agrees, and is dismissed.

"Dude is right," says Bones.

Decker runs into Ilia in the corridor. It's obvious that there's some kind of unfinished romance between them, and he apologizes. She kind of brushes him off, cuz it's clear that she's still sore about it.

Back in Kirk's quarters, Bones accuses Kirk of getting this command assigned to him in order to avoid doing other stuff. The good doctor also thinks that Kirk will try to keep the Enterprise. Uhura calls in to say that a little shuttle wants to dock with them. Chekov thinks it's a courier. Kirk agrees to let the shuttle dock with them.

Bones says he's got his eye on Kirk.

The little shuttle docks with the E and Chekov goes to the docking doors. The computer announces that the shuttle holds one occupant, "Starfleet, inactive."

Aw, yeah! Time to get our Spock on!

What follows is hella awkward. Spock appears on the bridge and Kirk reacts in a similar fashion to that kid Peter at the end of "Homeward Bound" - hooray! His stoic retriever has returned! Unreactive, Spock says he has been monitoring their communications with Starfleet, and he knows of their engine troubles, and offers his services as science officer.

"Fuck yeah!" says Decker, because you know he never really wanted that job, anyway.

Doctors McCoy and Chapel burst onto the bridge, all smiles, and Bones exclaims, "I'm actually glad to see you!"

He just stares at them, then announces that he's going to talk to the engineer before disappearing in the lift.

And Chapel is brunette again, thank Zod.

Kirk's Log 7413.4: "Spock is helping Scotty repair the engines, so now we can get to the cloud thing while it's still more than a day away from Earth."

This time when they go to plaid, they make it all the way to warp seven without issue or without having to shake in their seats. Kirk winks at someone, I think Chekov. (Should I be shipping that, too?) Half of the bridge crew are wearing Casual Friday uniforms.

Kirk and Bones invite Spock into the captain's lounge for a bro-chat.

"So what's the deal?" asks Kirk. "You went to Vulcan to stay permanently, and to practice kolinahr, where you're supposed to learn how to remove all of your remaining emotions. But you stopped doing that to hang out with us. Why?"

Spock drops his "I'm so emotionless that I don't have to talk to anyone" schtick (which is nice, cuz that was getting old fast), and he tells them that he sensed an intelligence with perfect thought patterns out in space. He thinks the being might be the blue cloud, and that it might have the answers that he was seeking with kolinahr.

"How convenient that you were able to hitch a ride with us out to this thing," says Bones cheerfully. 

"Hey, you know, if you sense these thought patterns again, could you let me know?" asks Kirk.

Spock agrees, and leaves.

"How do you know dude won't put his own needs ahead of the ship's needs when we encounter this thing?" asks Bones. "What about any of us?"

"I don't think any of us would do that," says Kirk.

Dude, I love that ship has windows, and I love that the captain's lounge is located
close enough to the warp nacelle that you can see it out the window like that.

Uhura calls to say the cloud is three minutes away, so everyone hustles back to the bridge. She broadcasts friendship messages on all frequencies in all languages. Spock reports that they are being scanned, but Kirk says not to scan the cloud-thing back, or it might think they're being hostile. Spock says the energy is coming from the very center of the cloud, and is some kind that's unknown. Decker wants to raise shields, but Kirk thinks that might be misinterpreted as well. Spock says he thinks there's an object at the center of the cloud. Kirk decides to fly into the cloud and check out the object.

Dramatic music! Will they get fried?

Spock pauses, then says he senses the intelligence in the cloud thing.

"It's contacted us, but wants to know why we haven't answered back," he relays.

The cloud-thing fires its weapon, which Spock reports is plasma-based. Kirk orders shields up. The lightning hits the E, this time green instead of blue.

Scotty reports engine systems are overloading, and shields are hella down. Chekov's station electrifies, and he burns the crap out of his hand. The lightning stops. Chapel rushes on the bridge to treat Chekov, but Ilia says she can stop the pain.

She puts her hands on his shoulder and concentrates, and he says it feels better. It's probably because all of the blood rushed to his other head, but whatever. Christine treats his burn.

Going back over the recorded info from the encounter, Spock figures out that the message from the cloud was actually broadcast at one million megahertz, and at a rate too fast to comprehend. He is working on a way to send a message at the same speed. The cloud sends another lightning bolt. Spock manages to send a message just before it's due to hit. The lightning dissipates.

Kirk has a convo with Decker and Spock about the fact that they're going to fly into the cloud. Decker wants to use caution and not go in, Spock recommends they keep moving forward. After a few minutes' discussion, Kirk decides to keep pushing through to the middle.

They hit the perimeter and keep going.

Hey, cloud. Were you designed by the same guys who animated "The Magicks of Megas-Tu"? Cuz I'm pretty sure that the answer to that is "yes."

Then - what the hell is that?

Kirk asks Uhura to transmit pics of the "alien" back to Starfleet, but she tells him that anything she sends out is reflected back at them. He tells Sulu to take them in closer.

So then we fly over looks like random machinery for about ten minutes, in this never-ending fashion. Remember how, in Spaceballs, we fly over Spaceballs I for a million years at the start of the film, and it just keeps going on and on, and you're like, are we ever going to reach the end? This was my question for this part of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Are we ever going to reach the center or brain, or whatever we're trying to reach?

That blue light in the back is not the light at the end of the alien tunnel, just like those yellow lights in the foreground were not, either. It's just some lighted part that they'll fly over, and another light will appear on the horizon. tar Trek wants you know that the cloud-alien thingy is really big, so they'll spend ten minutes flying through computer-generated fractal patterns and call it clouds. Then they'll spend another twenty flying over random machinery. Then we hit some kind of space sphincter.

Now there's one of those annoying as hell fountain fireworks on the bridge that's too fucking bright to look at. No really, I think that might actually be the base of it on the floor in front of the viewscreen.

"Um, is that one of their crew?" asks Chekov.

"No, it's a probe," says Spock, who is scanning it.

Kirk tells the bridge crew to just let it scan the ship, and he's cool with the situation until it links itself into the computer and starts scanning through files. Then he assumes the worst and says that the alien is learning about Earth's defenses and Starfleet's secret crapola, and he wants the computer turned off. Decker tries to do it, but Spock pushes him out of the way, and does this two-handed club move to break the console. The scanner gets its revenge by attacking Spock.

Ilia stands in front of Spock. It attacks her. It attacks Spock again when he tries to protect Ilia. It attacks Decker for trying to move toward Ilia. Then it zaps her completely, and she disappears.

The scanner is gone, and so is Ilia.

"And that, you stupid asshole, is why I didn't want to come in here," Decker barks at Kirk.

Oops, now they're being pulled into the space sphincter by a tractor beam. There's no way to break free.

Once inside, the sphincter closes behind them, and now they're trapped.

What is the alien-cloud-thing? Is there a center part to it? How many licks will it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center? Can the Enterprise crew find a wise old owl in time to tell them?

Find out next week, when I watch the second half of this slow-ass movie.

*******

I was pretty sure I had tried all of Snapple's tea selections when I came across their Peach Green Snap Tea this week. It's in one of those cans that's not quite as large as the Arizona teas, but the suggested retail price is still blatantly printed on the can as part of the design, so it'll probably fall into the same quality categories. For proof, take note of the fact that tea is listed fifth in the ingredient section. I also failed to notice that, while this tea is primarily sweetened by corn syrup, it also lists sucralose, something I steadfastly avoid because it has a weird, fakey sugar taste.

Bottom line: is it any good?

Well... it's sweet. Like, really sweet. Like sweet tea sweet, but apparently, they also make a sweet tea flavor, so I have to wonder if the sweet tea flavor just tastes like this minus the peach, or if it's actually sweeter.

Does it tastes like tea? Nope. tastes like peach. Not the gross earthy peach that I've had in some teas, but like a ripe peach. It's like peach nectar. 

If you don't like sweet, and you really just want some freaking tea, this is not your can. If you like peach flavor, this might be your thing. I'm not sure I'd buy it again, but I wouldn't say no if you offered me some like at a party.

Actually, I bet this would make a good mixer.

http://www.snapple.com/products/snaptea-peach-green-tea

Animal eye doctor: "Bratty isn't going blind. He
just has eyesight similar to humans who need
bifocals."
Me: "I want to see Bratty in bifocals."
Everyone else: "Me too!"