ST:TNG Season Five, Episode Seven "Unification"

ST:TNG Season Five, Episode Seven "Unification"
Production Order: 7
Air Order: 7
Stardate: 45233.1
Original Air Date: November 4, 1991

I realized this week that we are stuck in the world's longest bottle show.

No guests stars, existing sets only.

Just in case that's not depressing enough for you, TNG wants to remind you that Gene Rod is dead.

This isn't the first episode following his death, as The Game was aired four days after that, but it's probably better that it landed here: they may not have had the time to add the card onto The Game, and the first of a two-parter story arc where a major character from his first show is featured in a political plot enmeshed with his final show was probably more meaningful.

Picard's Log 45233.1: "We were scheduled to do a thing, but we've been recalled to a starbase instead, and Admiral Brackett wouldn't say why over subspace channels."

Brackett, now in the ready room, tells Picard that one of the Federation's most trusted ambassadors has gone missing, and nobody knew where he went. Then two days ago, he was spotted on Romulus.
"Do you think he defected?" asks Picard in surprise.
"We'd be fucked if he did," Brackett replies. "He has hella secrets."
She shows him some crappy video stills from Romulus, and then tells the computer to zoom and enhance, because this is the future, where you can do that.

Dramatic-Ass Music! Opening credits break!

Picard's Log 45236.4: "This is... kind of tough. Like, I mind-melded with Sarek a year ago or so, and now I have to use what I learned through him to find his son."

Riker joins Picard in the Obs Lounge to tell him that they're coming up on Vulcan, that Perrin has been told of their plans, and that she'll be beaming up to the ship to talk to them.
"What about Sarek?" asks Picard.
"Too sick to travel, she says."
"Fuck me," sighs Picard. "He's dying, and I get to be the one to tell him that his son may have betrayed the Federation."
"Have you met Spock?" asks Riker.
"Just the one time."
(Ugh, he's talking about when he mentioned that he had met Spock at his wedding. Remember that little slice of not-canon that Spock married Saavik, because she was pregnant with the kid that teenage Spock had squirted into her while going through pon farr on the Genesis planet from movie 3? For some reason, they left that crap in TNG even though they decided against making that the eventual outcome. Spock is listed on Memory Alpha as being divorced... from T'Pring.)
"Do you know a lot about him from the mind-meld?" Riker continues.
"Not a lot," Picard admits. "They had kind of a strained relationship..."
"Yeah, I get that," replies Riker.
Because he does.
"Oh, hey," says Picard. "Got a B-plot for you. Starfleet found metal fragments in a box marked "medical supplies" on a Ferengi ship. Looks like they're Vulcan. Starfleet wants us to look into it."

Later in the ready room, Picard gets himself and Perrin a couple cuppas of mint tea. She seems pleased until Picard asks about Spock.
"He didn't even say goodbye to Sarek," she says.
"Do you think he was kidnapped?"
"No, he left on purpose. He wrapped up all of his affairs before going."
Picard is struggling a bit. He feels the need to tiptoe, and knows he doesn't have the time.
"Okay, look: can I ask what happened between you and Spock?"
"Nothing between us," she insists. But it's crap. "Between Spock and Sarek. They always argued, and that was fine, but then when there was the question of the Cardassians, Spock came out in opposition of Sarek publicly."
"And Sarek was offended?" asks Picard.
"No, I was offended," she corrects.
So it is between you and Spock. Quit playing games, lady.
"I'm really protective of my husband," she replies. "Nobody sees him like I do. He's wasting away in his bed, whispering to himself. He wants to see Spock, and make amends."
"Can I see him?" asks Picard cautiously.
She pauses. "If anyone else asked, no way. But you're a part of each other."

Riker goes down to one of the cargo holds to see La Forge about those possibly-Vulcan metal fragments, and holy shit, didn't Picard say these were found in "a box"? WTF kind of box was it that could hold these huge metal fragments? Also, those are not fragments, those are ship parts. You say "fragments," and it conjures up archaeologists digging up pottery the size of your pinky nail.

So the Vulcans don't know what this was, but they've figured out that it was definitely theirs and definitely made for space travel, based on the kind of metal it's made from. Sounds like it was on the Ferengi cargo ship, then that ship went down in an asteroid belt.

Down on Vulcan, Perrin has brought Picard to Sarek's chambers, where the elder Vulcan is tossing and turning on an uncomfortable-looking bed.
Picard's face is very "well, shit."

"He's like this most of the time," she tells Picard. "All emotions, all the time. I'll see if I can get him to acknowledge you." She grabs Sarek's shoulder and shakes him, yelling his name. "Sarek! Picard is here!"
"Go the fuck away," he growls back.
"Okay, I'll leave you to it," says Perrin almost cheerfully to Picard. "He'll either talk to you or ignore you."
I want to like Perrin because Sarek liked her well enough to choose her, but I don't. Fuck off, Perrin.
She leaves, and now Picard is shouting at Sarek.
The guy is having emotional health problems. Nobody said that Bendii Syndrome leads to deafness.
"Sarek! It's Picard! I need to talk to you! About Spock!"
Sarek starts telling Picard to go away at first, but the magic word here is Spock.

He rolls over. "Picard? That you? On Vulcan?"
"Yeah." Fortunately, no one is shouting now. "I need to talk about Spock. He's been seen on Romulus. Do you know why?"
"No."
"Was he going to meet someone? Did he know someone on Romulus?"
Sarek wracks his emotion-addled brain. "Um, Pardek?"
"Who is that?"
"A Romulan senator? I think they met at the Khitomer Conference? He came home all excited because he thought maybe we could open and maintain communications with the Romulans, but that's nonsense. Pardek didn't have any support in the senate, and Spock was always impressionable. He never listened."
Picard is stoked. This is pretty good info. "You think he went to meet Pardek?"
But Sarek is no longer clear-headed. "Pardek? The Romulan senator? How do you know him?"
"I've... heard of him," says Picard. "What do you think they met about?"
Sarek starts rambling. "I dunno. He never tells me anything... he used to go into the mountains as a boy and be gone for long periods of time, and I'd ask him what he was doing, but he refused to tell me. I would forbid him to go, and he would ignore me. Then I would punish him, and he would just take it. Secretly, I admired him. Very stubborn."
Sarek lays back down, and Picard realizes that that's probably all he's getting.

"Hey," says Picard quietly. "I know you struggle with him, but I also know that you love him."
"Tell him," says Sarek quietly.
He tries to make the ta'al sign, but cannot. Picard helps him to shape his fingers the right way, and makes the sign back.
"Peace, and long life."
"Live long, and... and..." Sarek turns over and begins sobbing. "Spock... my son..."
"... and prosper," Picard finishes quietly.

This show hates me

Picard's Log 45240.1: "Okay, so I gotta go to Romulus, and to get across the Neutral Zone, I need a ship that can cloak. Gonna ask my buddy Gowron. I did him a bunch of favors in the Klingon civil war, so he owes me, right?"

The E has been hailing Qo'nos for three days without an answer. Gowron is ignoring them.
"Um, speak candidly?" asks Worf. "Gowron is rewriting Klingon history, claiming that his courage and prowess won the war, and that he pretty much did it singlehandedly."
"So us showing up would be a reminder that he had help," says Riker.
"Ugh, I don't give a shit," says Picard. "I just need a fucking ship. If he won't answer, Worf, get me someone who can, like someone from the High Council?"
Worf agrees, and goes back to his station to see if he can find Picard a ride.
Data calls Picard over to the science station: he has found video footage of Pardek, the senator that Sarek mentioned. Together, they do the zoom-and-enhance on the blurry photo of Spock and another person, and discovers that the other guy in the photo with Spock is definitely Pardek.
"Do we have info on this guy?" asks Picard.
"Yeah, he's been in the Senate for about 90 years." (Holy fuck, how about some term limits, Romulus?) "He's considered to be kind of a radical by the leadership because he advocates for peace. He's thought of as a man of the people."
Picard nods. Sounds on brand for someone Spock would be friends with.
"Where can we find him when the Senate is not in session?" asks Picard.
"He represents the Krockton Segment, and has a house there," replies Data. "Also, I did some extra credit homework: He has relatives in that sector, and the Senate does not meet on the third day of the Romulan week, so he'll probably be there on that day."

"I got someone on the phone?" says Worf.
"Gowron? Someone from the High Council?"
"Nope. He's the junior adjutant to the diplomatic delegation. His name is B'ijak."
Ah. An assistant with a title, an over-inflated sense of self-importance, and little to no salary. A gatekeeper.
And that he is.
"Hey, so, the Council and Gowron are both super busy right now."

"Yeah, we've been calling for three days," says Picard, irked.
"Still busy," says B'ijak. "If you want, I can give Gowron a message for you?"
You little shit.
"Cooool," says Picard. "So this is the message to take to Gowron, leader of the High Council of the Klingon Empire: Jean-Luc Picard, his Arbiter of Succession, needs a favor."
B'ijak is now curious, in spite of himself. "What kind of favor?"
"I need a cloaked ship."
And now B'ijak is laughing and being an asshole. "Uh-huh. And how would this benefit the Klingon Empire? Cuz you know he's gonna ask."
Whatever, B'ijak.
"He would earn our gratitude," says Picard smoothly. "And if he isn't able to do us this favor, then I can find... others in the Klingon Empire who would help out the Federation here, and then they would have our gratitude instead."
B'ijak looks uncomfortable.
"Also, please tell Gowron that I'm pleased to hear how well he's doing. Clearly, he's a great leader." And Picard smiles a "fuck that guy" smile.
B'ijak hangs up with signing off.

Down in sick bay, Crusher is taking scans of Picard and Data, to fit them with prosthetics so they'll look Romulan. She says altering Data's skin to be the right color shouldn't be a problem, as long as they can make him gold again later.
Riker comes in to ask Picard if he can spare a moment to see the progress that La Forge has made on those metal pieces, but Crusher tells him that it'll have to wait, because he and Data have appointments with Mott the barber to be fitted for Romulan hairpieces.
I really like this weird little scene of Crusher cheerfully measuring their heads and facial features while referring to herself as a tailor. We get to see the behind-the-scenes parts of Starfleet officers becoming spies.

It also segues nicely into Riker and Picard going back to the cargo hold.
"What we have here is what's left of a Vulcan deflector array," La Forge tells them. "It came from a ship called the T'Pau, which was decommissioned years ago, and has been sitting in a starship junkyard at Qualor II."
Worf calls: "There's a decloaked Klingon ship off our portside, compliments of Gowron."
"Oh, wow, how nice of him," says Picard. "Thank the captain of that ship and tell him that Data and I will be over shortly."
Riker says that he wants to take the E over to Qualor II to check out that B-plot, and that's how we part ways.

Picard and Data transfer over to the Klingon ship (no ship name given cuz they want to make my job harder), to meet with the captain, K'Vada. K'Vada is pissed off because he doesn't want this assignment, but would any Klingon? Really? They all appear to be pissed off to be helping the Federation, regardless of the assignment or timeframe.
"I wanna know what this mission is about!" K'Vada roars.
"Classified," says Picard cheerfully.
"You going after the defector?" he demands. "Ambassador Spock? Everybody knows he defected to Romulus."
"The mission is to take us to coordinates near Romulus," says Picard. "Can't say anything else."
"If the Romulans catch us, we could all be killed."
"Yep."
K'Vada gives the orders to start for Romulus, and I can't tell if he's still grouchy about the whole thing, or if he's been placated by the idea that they might all die playing spy games with the Romulans.
The Klingon ship and the E part ways in different directions.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

K'Vada shows Picard and Data around the ship, clearly intending for them to complain about the lack of amenities: they will be sharing quarters, as there is a lack of space.
"Cool," says Picard.
Picard's bed is just a metal slab, because Klingons don't "soften" their bodies with a pad.
"I like it that way," Picard replies cheerfully.
K'Vada seems disappointed. Clearly, he's never met Picard.
"You're gonna eat with us," he tries one last time.
"Sweet, fresh gagh! Been a long time," he smiles at Data.
Someone from the bridge calls to tell K'Vada that they're at the Neutral Zone, and K'Vada asks if Picard intends to follow through with this plan.
"Yep."
K'Vada cloaks the ship and tells them to head in. He seems confused as to how he feels about this little bald guy.

Picard would smile and tell anyone that their crappy accommodations are
presidential suite-level, because he's a diplomat. But here, he's straight-up
fucking with K'Vada.

Riker's Log 45240.6: "On our way to the junkyard at Qualor II. It's run by the Zakdorn. Trying to find out why the Ferengi had parts off a decommissioned Vulcan ship from this yard."

Worf tosses up an open line on the viewscreen, and it looks like they caught a guy off-guard, because he wasn't even looking at the screen when the line opened.
"Hi, I'm William Riker from the starship Enterprise," says Riker in a friendly voice. "I'm looking for info on a Vulcan ship, the T'pau, and I'm told it's here."
The guy turns to the camera. "Klim Dokachin, quartermaster of this surplus yard. Do you have an appointment?"

"Um, no?"
"Then you need to talk to scheduling." And Dokachin just closes out the chat.
Wow, this episode is gatekeeper-heavy.
Riker is taken aback. "Who does he think he is?" he asks Troi in surprise.
Troi is amused as hell: "The quartermaster of the supply yard with information you need."

Riker has Worf open the channel back up, and immediately mispronounces the Zakdorn's name. Good start, buddy.
"The reason I'm here is of the utmost importance to the Federation. We need access to your files and computers and things. My people can do it."
"Yeah, I don't let others into my computer system," says Dokachin stubbornly.
That's fair, I guess. If you hand your phone to your friend to show them a funny meme, and they start scrolling through your nudies, you'd be pissed too.
"Okay, your people."
"Oh. I really don't have people to spare for that activity. Wish I did."
Riker is annoyed. "Then what do you suggest?"
"Dunno. Call me back when you're in orbit." He closes out the chat again.
"Come the fuck on," sighs Riker.
Troi is still heavily amused. "He's king of his hill. You're gonna have to treat him like that."

....yaaaaay.

They hit orbit, and Dokachin comes on board.
He looks around and starts waxing poetic about how he doesn't usually get to see starships in condition this good, and they're always falling apart by the time he gets them.
"We really do need this info on the T'Pau," says Troi earnestly.
He turns and asks who she is, and she gives him her name and position on the ship.
He addresses no one in particular, and talks about Riker as though he isn't standing right there: "He probably thinks we don't get a lot of handsome women out this way, and that I'd cooperate more with someone like you... he's right."
Grins between Troi and Riker as Dokachin sits at the science station, where the E has been tied into the junkyard's computers. He locates where the T'pau is docked, and tells the helm where to go. Then suddenly he's all smiles, and asking Troi if this is her first visit to a junkyard, and how she'd be surprised at what one might find on old ships.

He starts telling her that he found a 14-foot eel in someone's locker in a freighter, and if she wants, and there's time, he'll show it to her, because he nursed it back to health, and is keeping it as a pet.
I like this guy. He's a little too full of himself, and a little too into Troi just cuz she's cute, but he did rescue an ailing animal and seems to be keeping it as a companion. Like, would I want to deal with him in real life? Hell no. But he makes for someone interesting to watch on television.
So they roll up on the coordinates, and... empty space.
"It's missing?" asks Riker.
"The fuck?" Dokachin starts frantically typing at the science station, telling them that he's never lost a ship. Also, he has each of his ships cross-categorized four ways, and he'll find that fucking ship if it kills him.
"Okay, think," says La Forge. "Was stuff stripped from the T'Pau when it came in? Things that could be used on other ships?"
Dokachin replies in the affirmative, and says that those things would be on the Tripoli.
"Great, because we have the T'Pau's deflector array laid out in pieces on our cargo hold floor," snaps La Forge.
Dokachin was not expecting this answer. He insists that he's never lost anything in the junkyard as they rush to where the Tripoli is docked.
Empty space again.
He's about to lose his mind. Up in here, up in here.
"But... we beam things to the Tripoli on a regular basis!" he splutters. "We beamed stuff here yesterday! We're supposed to beam stuff here today!"
"'kay, when are you beaming stuff to the Tripoli spot today?" asks Riker.
"Two hours?"
"Yeah, I bet someone will park themselves right there and pick up that shipment of stuff that you're beaming," guesses Riker. "Let's move into a spot nearby and shut down everything but sensors and life support so we look like a derelict."
Y'all're a pretty shiny derelict, but go on then.

Back on... K'Vada's ship, Picard and Data have reached a rest period, and Picard remarks that the Klingons probably thought it would be funny to put them both in the same quarters. Data responds that he doesn't need to sleep, so Picard should take the... shelf.
Picard lies down and turns on his side, but Data is just... standing there. The captain turns back over.
"What are you doing?"
"Going over the files I need to prepare to impersonate a Romulan."
"Oh."
But Data had turned to speak to him, so when Picard rolls back over, Data now appears to be staring at him.
"That's unnerving, Data."
"Should I stop going over the files?"

Picard simply gets up and tells Data that he doesn't need to rest, and they should just go over those files together.
K'Vada pages Picard to the bridge. When they arrive, he hands them a padd and says that they intercepted a message that might be of interest to Picard.
Picard reads off the padd to Data that Sarek has died.

Back on the E, the time has arrived for the transfer to the Tripoli.
"I see a ship on sensors," says Worf. "But they're riding without license plates. No way to tell who the hell that is."
It's fancy, too.

"It's hella loaded up with cargo," says La Forge. "Looks like weapons?"
The ship slides into the Triploi's spot, and the depot prepares to transfer stuff.
"Let's power up," announces Riker.
Lights and engines come back online, and the other ship powers up weapons, turning to the E.
"Hey," says Riker to the open channel, "this is Commander Riker of the Enterprise. You stealing Federation shit or what?"
No response. Instead, the other ship powers up phasers.
Normally, when another ship starts posturing, there's a certain sense of LOL involved, because the Enterprise packs bigger weapons, but here La Forge is like, "Um, they match us?"
Shields go up, and the E takes a few hits.
"Hit 'em with a phaser," Riker tells Worf, "but aim for their weapons systems. I don't want to do anything but knock the gun from their hands?"
Worf does as he's told, and La Forge reports that they've taken down the forward shields on the mystery ship, and one of their phaser arrays.
Then:
"Shit," says La Forge. "There's a bunch of little internal explosions, and with as much weaponry as they're carrying -"

Riker makes his best "fuck, who was that?" face, and because Picard is elsewhere, the camera does that swoop-in close-up shot of Riker instead.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard has put the Romulan prosthetics on himself and Data, and they sit to check out their handiwork. Picard has a little box of tools he used to do it, and I thought at first that prosthetics were done surgically, but maybe not? Is the surgery so simple that Picard was taught how to do it? Or are they glued on?
"You seem lost in thought since we got that message about Sarek," Data remarks.
"Yeah, the mission has kind of changed for me," says Picard. "I was just going to Romulus to ask Spock what the hell he was doing there, but now I also have to carry the message that his father has died. It's a weird position to be in. I know a lot about Sarek because of the mind-meld connection, and their relationship was tenuous at best."
"Won't it be easier for him, being Vulcan? I mean, won't he see it as the logical conclusion to life?"
"Not necessarily," Picard answers. "It's complicated, even for Vulcans, and recall that Spock is half-human. He's spent a lot of time wrestling with that kind of thing."

They're ready to go, but K'Vada has decided to fling some shit, telling them sarcastically that they look "sweet."
"Do you know what they'll do to you if they find out who you are?" he asks. He actually, literally hisses at Data.
"Yeah, we do," states Picard.
"Whatever. Just so you know, this assignment doesn't include rescue missions!"
They roll their eyes and follow him to the transporter room.

Hellooo, pretty matte painting!

Meanwhile, back on Vulcan...

Pardek walks into the pro-consul's office, and Neral (said pro-consul) shows him a pic of Captain Picard of the Federation and asks if Pardek knows him.

"No? I've never seen that guy before."

"I got word that he was coming here, and might be here already," says Neral. "I want you to circulate his picture around, and let the security forces know. He's probably disguised as a Romulan if he's here."

"I'm right on top of that, Rose."

Data and Picard are in the city, looking around at the buildings, and Data uses their surroundings to figure out where Pardek and Spock were photographed,the doorway to a legal intercessor's office. The name on the wall is close to Pardek's, and Data guesses that it's a relative. After knocking, then trying the door handle, Picard guesses that the office isn't open for business this early. Data's pretty sure that he knows Pardek's schedule well enough that Pardek will be there within a few hours, so they elect to go to the restaurant across the way to get something to eat.

So they go into the restaurant, and wouldn't you know it, Romulus has a Soup Nazi. She serves them some slop in a bowl and interrogates them, after Picard asks if she knows when the intercessor's office opens.

"Why do you want to know?"

"I need his services. He was recommended."

"I haven't seen you here before."

Holy shit, lady. He just told you he was in the neighborhood because he wanted to talk to the guy across the way. Like, I know Data and Picard are technically spies, but she seems overly suspicious for someone serving soup at a restaurant.

"We traveled here from Rateg," Data offers.

"You don't have a Rateg accent," she insists.

Data being Data, he starts telling her that it's a myth that people from Rateg speak with a specific inflection, blah blah blah, and Picard jumps in to stop him by saying they come from just outside that city.

"Or maybe you're from security forces, come to pick up that intercessor. Is he in trouble?"

Crap, what a vulture. She seems pretty excited about the idea that she might see some action.

"Yeah, we're not security forces," says Picard.
She switches tactics so fast I get whiplash.
"Doesn't matter to me. I don't know when he opens. Eat your soup, courtesy of a loyal establishment. Jolan tru."
Ugh. I want to ask wtf is wrong with her, but I know what's wrong with her: Romulans tend to be shitty, suspicious people who churn out more shitty, suspicious people. Remember Jarok, the Romulan who defected to the Enterprise to prevent a war that was never going to happen, because his own people had been feeding him false information the whole time?
Also, jolan tru is a greeting/exit term, like "aloha." It means "find peace" or "may your day be filled with peace," but the way she spit it out, clearly she didn't mean either of those things.

As soon as she leaves, our boys notice that there are a pair of Romulans watching them in military uniforms. Are they security forces? I don't know. Those are starship uniforms, and maybe they all wear the same thing.
"I don't think we can stay here for very long," says Picard quietly.
"It's cool," says Data. "Isn't that Pardek over there?"
It is indeed. They ditch the soup, and turn to leave, but now those uniformed assholes are all up in their faces with guns. I bet that Soup Nazi is just wetting herself with excitement, preparing to gossip to all of her friends and neighbors about how she saw two spies, who were claiming to be from Rateg, hauled off at gun-point, and didn't that just serve them right?

Our boys have no choice but to go with the gun guys, who lead them into a cave.
Pardek follows them in. "We had to get you off the street quickly, Captain Picard. Romulan security  knows that you're here. You're okay, we're friends."
The two gun guys start stripping the uniforms off, and it's clear that they must have nicked those uniform coats from actual security to pull off the ruse of taking Picard and Data off the street.
"I'm on an important mission for Starfleet," says Picard. "I have to find Ambassador Spock."
"You have found him, Captain Picard."
And this magnificent mofo steps from the shadows.

This is a great episode.
Maybe you're a fan of the old show but not the new, and you find out that a beloved character from the old show is going to be on the new one, so you tune in. Maybe you weren't a fan of the new show, but decide to give it another view after this episode.
Or maybe you're a fan of the new show but not the old, but still have some respect for those older characters. Maybe based on this arc, you decide to check out the old show.
It's a nice passing of the baton, even if it didn't completely make the fandom into a melting pot. They'll do it again with the films, in 1993. It won't create that fandom harmony there, either. There will probably always be divides in the Trek fandom, based on personal tastes. TOS and TNG have very different tones, and attract different audiences, though like Doctor Who, will always encourage fans of one or the other to give a fair shake to other parts.
But let's take a look at this episode: we jump right in, feet first, by announcing that Spock will be appearing. No doubt Star Trek probably announced this to the fans ahead of the episode coming out, either telling them that a TOS character would be appearing, or that it was Spock specifically. So right away, the audience is excited. But now the writers are tasked with maintaining that excitement, especially knowing that Spock will not appear on camera. What to do? Have Picard formulate a plan to go to Romulus, a place where the audience has never actually been, to play spy games. And have him check in with another beloved old TOS character, Sarek. We've already seen Sarek on this new show, and he's developed a horrible Vulcan disease. That episode was powerfully driven by Mark Lenard, and while he doesn't star in this episode, Lenard turns in another magnificent performance as the dying Vulcan struggling with Bandii Syndrome.
The similarities between Bandii and Alzheimer's are striking, with Sarek vividly recalling his son't childhood, 100 years or more ago, but failing to realize one breath after the fact that he had told Picard about Pardek. he shakes and mumbles to himself, at times incoherent, and his trembling on his bed, in his pajamas and bare feet, give him an air of a strong man crumbling. That Picard must help him form the ta'al is not only heartbreaking, but speaks volumes about Picard, aiding an old man in preserving some dignity. You know that Sarek must perish soon, but you want his outcome to be different.
You mutter "dammit" when he dies.
Picard's story continues to be interesting after this encounter: he must still find Spock, but must now also tell him that Sarek has passed. But what of Spock? Has he defected? What is he doing? Does this spell doom for the Federation?
What is Romulus like? Will he and Data be able to pass as Romulans?
When they arrive, it seems as though the common person is just as suspicious in general as the military members that the Federation has encountered over the years. Their whole culture is based on these ideas of "trust no one."
(Something that I really like: Memory Alpha states that one of the first things that the Romulans did when splitting from the Vulcans, was to ditch the Vulcan language and develop their own. Yet, both groups have a greeting/departure term that is the same whether one is coming or going, and both means "peace" essentially. Yes, yes - you're very different.)

Another part of this episode that I love is the B-plot.
Not all B-plots are created equal, but I feel this one is pretty strong. First, the mystery of the decommissioned Vulcan ship parts on the Ferengi cruiser, in a box marked "medical supplies." Then, the mystery of the missing decommissioned ship, followed by another missing decommissioned ship: where are these ships, and who is that taking their place? And why? When the new battleship goes up in flames, it kills the leads the E crew had of finding out what happened to the T'Pau. These are all compelling reasons to tune in for the second part, and while I'm not sure this B-plot was strong enough to stand on its own as an A-plot, it does make for a solid B. I'm glad they didn't wrap this plot up with this episode, and simply have another B-plot with the second half of this episode. I'm also glad they didn't skimp on the B-plot. There have been plenty of episodes where the A-plot was interesting, but I couldn't have cared less about "what everyone else was doing." A strong Star Trek episode is made stronger with a solid B-plot.
Writer Jeri Taylor was afraid that this episode would not be successful, as people would have to wait the entire episode for one shot of Spock at the end, but I think she hit it out of the park. Qa'pla, Jeri.





Fun Facts:

- Frank Mancuso Sr, who was chairman of Paramount Pictures, suggested the idea for this arc. 1991 was the 25th anniversary of Star Trek, and it was thought that a crossover would tie the two series together nicely. Rick Berman and Nicholas Meyer worked with Leonard Nimoy to insert TNG references into Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, and Nimoy agreed to appear on TNG. Berman: "We structured a deal with him: he got very little, a little more than scale [union salary minimum]. But with Leonard as executive of Star Trek VI, what you had in essence was a cross-promotion. It made everybody happy."
- This was not the first Spock-on-TNG story pitched to Leonard Nimoy. In the second season, a two-parter was pitched to him called "Return to Forever," and would have been written by Tracy Torme. It fell through.
- Leonard Nimoy didn't like the idea for the first story pitched to him, and the idea of a Romulus and Vulcan reunification came up in talks between Nimoy, Berman, and Michael Piller. Nimoy liked the idea of a peaceful story arc rather than a warlike one.
- The inspiration for this episode came from the reunification of East and West Germany in 1990.

- To Michael Piller, the title also meant a unification of TNG and TOS, which he felt were separated in the minds of the fans. Rick Berman agreed: he felt that the fans saw TOS and TNG as competing entities.
- Once the story was in place, it was determined that it was too expensive to try to film as one episode, and split it, having Spock appear at the end of the first episode.
- Michael Piller wanted to write both episodes, but found that he couldn't. He gave her the first part to Jeri Taylor to write, and she remembered that part of the tough aspect of that first episode was keeping the audience's interest going when the reason they were tuning in was to see Spock, and he doesn't appear until the last moment of that first episode.
- Ronald D Moore, as a fan of TOS, gave Taylor insight into Spock, and especially the relationship between Spock and Sarek.
- A plot to kill Jeri Taylor via exhaustion: Pocket Books approached her about doing a novelization of "Unification." Wanting to break into novel-writing, she agreed. They gave her a 30-day deadline (WTF?), so she wound up writing the novelization at the same time as she was writing the script. All Unification, all the time. "It was like an endless finals week."

- Because of Leonard Nimoy's schedule, "Unification II" was filmed first.
- This was the first time that a recurring original series cast member died... permanently. Lots of main characters from TOS died, but were then brought back to life through weird sci-fi crap or life-saving measures. Here, Sarek just dies.
- Mark Lenard only read the part of the script where he had lines, and had no idea his character had died off-screen until he saw a viewing at a convention later. He wasn't thrilled, but Jimmy Doohan joked that, because it was off-screen, they could bring him back at a later date.
- Fran Bennett (Fleet Admiral Shanthi) was scheduled to reappear in this episode, but for reasons unknown, was replaced by Karen Hansel as Admiral Brackett.

- Though Brackett is labelled as a Fleet Admiral in the script, her pips seem to denote that she is a Vice Admiral instead. It is suggested that she is indeed a Vice Admiral, but calling her Fleet Admiral is about a position instead of her rank - she might actually be in charge of a fleet of ships.
- This is the first time a Star Trek episode visits Romulus.
- Sarek tells Picard that Spock would disobey him as a kid, and run off to the mountains on Vulcan. He's talking about "Yesteryear." And now I really want to binge TAS again.
- The Unification arc were the highest-rated episodes of TNG since "Encounter at Farpoint."
- Berman and Piller both thought that Part I was better than Part II. Jeri Taylor was pleased with how it turned out, saying that she thought that it might have gone sideways, as the audience was waiting "for the good stuff to happen [in part 2]." Moore thought the scenes with Sarek turned out well.
- Jonathan Frakes seems to be the dissenter here: he felt the audience was cheated, expecting Spock to show up the whole episode, and only getting that one shot at the end. He did, however, enjoy the comedic aspect of Data unintentionally staring at Picard while the captain tries to sleep.
- One of the shots of the Enterprise-D flying through a field of derelict ships is a recycled shot from "The Best of Both Worlds."
- This episode was nominated for an Emmy for Dramatic Underscore.
- The novelization of this episode by Jeri Taylor expanded on K'Vada's backstory: he was grouchy during this mission because he got into a nasty argument with his wife prior to leaving, and she had dislocated his shoulder. His ships' doctor had not done a good job healing the injury, and it was bothering him. He was also impressed enough by Data's abilities to consider mentioning to the Klingon fleet that they should think about adding androids to their ships.
- Malachi Throne (Pardek) played in three episodes of TOS, and was with Leonard Nimoy for both his first and last appearances on Star Trek television episodes: he played the voice of The Keeper on the unaired pilot "The Cage," and played Pardek in both parts of "Unification." Throne was originally offered the part of the doctor on that pilot, but turned it down because "he didn't want to play the third to the hero and his sidekick." He wanted to try out for Spock, but the part had already gone to Nimoy. He was finally offered the part of the voice of the Talosian Keeper. Later, when filming for the "envelope" portion of "The Menagerie" began, he was cast as Commodore Mendez. His voice-over work on "The Cage" was pitch-altered so that it was not obvious that Throne was playing both parts.

- Neral was described in the script as "a Romulan Bobby Kennedy." He was played by Norman Large, who will show up again as a different character in season 7, then as others in DS9 and Voyager.
- On DS9, Neral appears in a wanted poster in Odo's office, and it was made canon that he was now a wanted man. Why? Because they used his make-up continuity photo for a wanted poster.

- Neral will later be played by a different actor (Hal Landon Jr) on DS9, for reasons unknown.
- Erick Avari (B'iJik, the guy who can "give Gowron a message from Picard") has been in everything, but it's hard to recognize him under all of that Klingon make-up:

- Erick Avari will appear later as different characters on DS9 and Enterprise.


Red deaths: 0
To date: 1
Gold deaths: 0
To date:

Blue deaths: 0
To date:
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0
To date: 

Sassy Geordi moments: 0

To date:
Sassy Ro Moments: 0
To date: 1

Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 0
To date: 

Sassy Riker Moments: 1
To date: 4

Sassy Picard Moments: 0
To date:  

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date:
Sassy Data Moments: 0
To date:
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 1
Sassy Keiko Moments:
To date: 3
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0
To date:
Sassy Troi Moments: 1
To date: 2
Sassy Guinan Moments:
To Date: 1
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 0
To date: 2

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 3
To date: 17

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 1
To date: 8

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date:
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 1
To date: 1
Picard Maneuvers: 1
To date: 2
Tea, Earl Grey:
To date: 2
Mentions of the number 47:
To date: 1

That's just rude, Pie

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Part 2

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Part 2
Stardate 8454.1
Release Date: June 9, 1989

Lady Archon's Blog, -305574.319298833: "So this shit-tastic movie started out last week with a guy forming some kind of cult on a backwoods planet in BFE, Space. The dude is a Vulcan named Sybok, and according to Spock, he rejects Vulcan logic and goes with emotion. He kidnaps a Terran, a Klingon, and the world's peppiest Romulan, all so he can get a starship to the planet to take them away. This dude gets people on his side by telling them he knows of their secret pain, like everyone in the galaxy is an emo teenager. The Enterprise crew were on leave in Yosemite while Scotty fixed up their new ship (cuz remember? They blew up the old Enterprise in movie 3 and then stole a Klingon cruiser to hang out in in movie 4). They're called away from shore leave to go get the hostages, but it's a fucking coup, and the hostages all have Stockholm Syndrome, and they take the E crew hostage. Also some Klingon d-bag wants to kill Kirk for funsies. Also also, Spock has fucking hover boots.
We left off at the part where Sulu has flown the shuttle back to the E with his crewmates and some cult members, Spock has refused to kill Sybok, and Sybok has the Golden Trio tossed in the brig, while saving out Uhura and Sulu for his own purposes. The only one on board the E who realizes what is going is Scotty, because he was spying on all of the shit going on in the shuttle bay when it arrived full of cult leaders."

Kirk is irate as he, Bones and Spock get tossed in the brig.
"WTF is wrong with you?" he demands. "I told you to kill Sybok. He was standing there with the barrel in his chest, and you responded by doing nothing!"
"I couldn't kill my brother," says Spock simply.
"Dude, screw Vulcan brotherhood!" rages Kirk.
"Naw, you don't get it," explains Spock. "Sybok is literally my brother from another mother. Like, we got the same Daddy."
"You fucking liar," snaps Kirk.
"Wait, really?" asks Bones, who seems oddly Team Spock.
"Yeah, his mother was a Vulcan princess," Spock tells Bones. "When she died, we were raised together."
"Bullshit," growls Kirk.
"STFU," says Bones. "Spock could no more kill you than Sybok." Sassy Bones: "I mean, what are you gonna do? Throw him in the brig?"
Kirk makes an "ICWYDT but I'm still annoyed" face.
"Bigger fish to fry," says Bones. "How the fuck do we get out of here?"
(Side note: seriously? Vulcans have a monarchy? Are you fucking kidding me? Sounds like bullshit.)

Uhura and Sulu enter the bridge, but there are others with them.
"WTH?" demands Chekov.
"It's okay," says a blissed-out Uhura. "Sybok will explain everything."
Sulu plots out a new course, and Chekov demands to know what he's doing, but then Sybok comes in and starts whispering those sweet "share your pain with me" nothings in Chekov's ear.

We go back to the brig, where Kirk is standing on Spock's shoulders, removing ceiling panels and tinkering around. Each time he reaches for something, Spock advises him that that particular action will not end well. Tired of hearing "no" Kirk finally grabs something that shocks the shit out of him and does a controlled roll to the floor.
"Could've warned me," he complains.
"He did, asshat," says Bones.
"This new brig is escape-proof," Spock tells him.
Then he explains that, for some unknown reason and at some point in the past, the designers of this new brig invited him to break out of it, and he wasn't able to do so.
That makes no fucking sense, but whatever. Moving on.

The new course is laid in, and the E is well on her way... somewhere. Sybok decides to broadcast to the entire ship where they're going and why. So he climbs on the PA, and the audio is piped into the corridors while the video plays on all of the screens. Kirk, Spock and Bones watch the video just outside of their brig cell.
"So hey. I hijacked this ship because we were chosen, and now, so are you. My Vulcan ancestors believed in emotions and a religion, but modern people say it's bunk. I say it isn't, which is why we're going to Sha'Ka'Ree at the center of the galaxy, beyond the Great Barrier."
"Whoa, shit," says Spock. "Sybok got kicked off of Vulcan for looking for Sha'Ka'Ree. Everybody thinks it's a myth. Maybe he found it."
"Dude, who gives a shit?" asks Kirk. "Let's focus on getting out of here, and putting Sybok IN here, then you guys can talk about whether or not Sha'Ka'Ree is real." He pauses. "What's that noise?"
They all go to the opposite wall.
"Morse code," says Spock.
They can hear someone or something banging out morse code on the metal walls, and guess correctly at the letters.
"Stand Back?" asks Kirk. "What the hell does that mean?"
A big hole gets ripped in the wall via explosives and Scotty sticks his head through. "It means stand the fuck back!" he yells.

Sybok enters the brig, confidently telling Sulu how he intends to break up the Golden Trio to get them on his side, then he sees the gaping hole in the back of the cell. Oops.

Scotty takes the trio through some wide, horizontal Jeffries tubes. They need to send a distress signal, but it's way up near the bridge.
"You can take turbo shaft 3," says Scotty. "Closed for repairs. But the climb sucks, and it's dangerous."
Sassy Bones (about Kirk): "Some of us get off on that sort of thing."
Scotty points them in the direction of the shaft. As they're running away, Kirk yells back, "You're amazing!"
Cheap laugh time:
"Nothing amazing about it," says Scotty. "I know this ship like the back of my hand."
He then promptly walks into a beam and knocks himself out cold.

They reach the turbo lift and look up. It's a cool shot.

However, it's also a long climb. Kirk and Bones begin climbing diligently. Spock turns and heads out the door.

Scenes here are interspersed with shots of army members running through the corridors looking for the trio.
One, along with Baldy and Sulu, come across Scotty, who has a bleeding head wound. Sulu directs them to take him to sick bay.

Long about the time that Kirk passes the Level 12 turbo lift doors, they realize that Spock is not with them.
Then -

No.

NO.

FUCK YOU, MOVIE.

They start to sink.
"Too many marsh melons," says Kirk.
They drop down near the floor as Sulu rushes in with Baldy.
"Rocket boosters!" yells Kirk.
"That will shoot us to the top with no brakes," points out Spock.
"Fucking rocket boosters!" screams Kirk.
So Spock hits the rocket boosters, and they're launched to the top of the shaft, somehow managing to stop inches before the ceiling, though I have no idea how, because if they simply turned off the boosters then they'd start sinking again. Anyway, Spock drops them down just far enough that they get to the level where they need to go, and end up in some small, dark room, which turns out to be the Obs Lounge.
Kirk goes to a radio and calls for help. No answer at first, then a woman comes on the line and says she's with Starfleet Headquarters. He gives her the coordinates and tells her to send help to them, because some d-bag has taken over their ship and intends to fly it into the Great Barrier.

Turns out it was Vixis on the line, and for some reason, she has a perfect Terran accent. She gives the coordinates to Klaa, who says they will go where Kirk goes.

What follows is the bullshittiest, most gaslight-y scene from any Star Trek film ever.
Sybok, Baldy, and two armed army members have tracked down Kirk & Co. Looks like he's gonna play Little Emo Vulcan Boy again. He starts spouting off some crappola about how humans once thought certain things to be impossible, but then those things were proved to be possible.
"Some people used to think the world was flat!"
Some people still think that now.
"But then Columbus changed all that."
Columbus was a giant dick, and you're not making any friends here, Sybok.
He then goes on to say that the fear behind the unknown is what keeps people from going through the Great Barrier.
Nope, pretty sure it's cuz it's a barrier, moron.
He says he wants Kirk's understanding and respect.
Okay. *pinches bridge of noses and closes eyes* You don't get that through kidnapping and hijacking. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions say, "I'm an intergalactic con man." Like, haven't we done this before? Isn't this a longer version of "Whom Gods Destroy"?

There's a quick cut over to sick bay, where Scotty wakes up and demands to know where he is.
"You hit your head," soothes Uhura. "but you're okay now."
In this scene, as in the scene where we first see them, she strokes his cheek tenderly, and I keep wondering if we're supposed to be shipping them together. It's weird.
"I had a terrible dream, that the ship was being taken over by a madman," he insists.
"He's not a madman," she replies. "Come see him, he'll tell you all about it."
Scotty realizes that she's hypnotized or Stockholmed, or something, and he fakes his condition.
"Ohh, nooes, can't do it. Not in my condition."

We dash back over to Sybok and the boys. Sybok says that Sha'Ka'Ree is Heaven, or Eden, and describes it in terms of other alien cultures who also have a place of paradise, and when Kirk asks how he's controlling the minds of his crew.
"By helping them confront their deepest pain, and drawing strength from it."
This guy wants you to believe that he's some kind of drive-thru therapist, but he's full of shit.
"Sounds like brainwashing," says Bones.
Sybok descends upon him, saying that Bones' pain is deepest of all, and we hear a voice calling "Leonard..." faintly, and a city skyline appears behind Bones, as seen through some high-rise windows.
"No!" shouts Bones, recognizing the scene.
.We have no idea if Bones' friends can see this or not. My guess is no. How could Sybok create holograms from nothing like that? Also, we never saw any of the other experiences that the others see when he works his flim-flam man magic.
Anyway, Bones' deepest pain is derived from his father dying slowly and painfully from some disease. He struggles with it, trying to make the older man comfortable, but in the end, his father is begging for death, and Bones, not wanting to see him suffer needlessly, pushes a button that leads to that outcome.

Bones is stuck reliving the whole thing, and is obviously traumatized by the memories of it. Sybok keeps pouring salt on the wounds, telling Bones that the medical support system will keep his father alive, and when Bones presses the button to help his father die, Sybok asks why he did it. But Bones seems satisfied that he did the right thing, even though he agonized over it, so Sybok steers him away from the scene and says, "But that wasn't the worst of it, though, was it?"
"No! Shortly after, they found a  cure!"
"This is your deepest pain! Hug me!" And Sybok forces a hug on Bones, who is distraught that his father might have lived if he hadn't helped him die.
This is straight-up mental abuse. And forcing a hug on a person to convince them that you are right is sociopathic.

This next part is extra shitty.
Now having turned Bones, Sybok approaches Spock.
"Bring it," says Spock. "I got nothin' you want."
"Fine," says Sybok.
But then I guess everybody can see these illusions, because Kirk and Spock walk into a scene where Amanda Greyson is giving birth while being watched by a Vulcan high priestess. And Amanda is creaming because she just gave birth to a three-month old baby. The priestess takes the baby to a younger Sarek, how takes a look and says, "So human."
Spock walks away to stare at the wall.

"WTF did you do to my friends?" Kirk demands of Sybok.
"Nothing. I unleashed their greatest pain so that they wouldn't have to carry it around anymore."
Um, no. Spock was unaware of that little scene you just put together. You conjured that shit (who knows how) to make him feel bad, so you could convince him that you and only you, know how to kiss it and make it better.
"Just go along with it," Bones urges Kirk.
"Fuck that," says Kirk. "I know that I've made mistakes in my life, and I know that I have regrets. But that kind of thing shapes who we are, and who we become. And you can't just hug me and make it disappear."
"Cool," says Synok casually. "You can stay here while Spock and Dr McCoy and I leave to go to the bridge."
"Noop," replies Spock. "You think I'm still that little outcast kid? Like, that sucked, but I'm not torn up about it. Go fuck yourself, brother."
"Yeah, I'm out, too," says Bones.

Sybok smiles. "Okay, that's cool, But when we get beyond the Great Barrier, you'll see my vision was right."
"TF are you talking about?" demands Kirk.
"I'm on a mission from God," he says, but it's not in the laid-back way that you get from The Blues Brothers. "He's waiting for us on the other side."
Like, this sorry bitch either believes this crap, or he's perfected how to say it so others think he believes it. Either way, dude is nuts.
"You're bat-shit crazy," says Kirk quietly.
And Sybok actually appears to be taking stock of his own mental capabilities. "Maybe." But then he fucking smiles again, and they leave.

So Sybok goes back to the bridge, and they start moving beyond the Great Barrier, and you guys, it's like the first terrible film, where they get past one kind of mist, only to find another kind of special effects mist. And each one looks like a different form of dropping-colored-water-into-vegetable-oil. We get shots of the E going through these mists, shots of the bridge crew and the army on the bridge, watching the ship move through these mists, and shots of our boys in the Obs Lounge, also watching the ship move through the mists. Chekov reports that none of the instruments are working, and he's getting no info.

Boring, boring, boring. Fortunately, it doesn't last as long as that scene from the first film. We only go through four or five layers of mist before it clears, revealing a small, glowing ball of a planet. Each of the Stockholm Syndrome reps whispers the name of their own Heaven-Eden place.
Now Chekov reports that the instruments are back online, and also that the planet has it's own energy force.

"Whoa," says Kirk in the Obs Lounge, touching a brass plate on the front of the wooden steering wheel.
Cheesy, Movie. Very cheesy.

The people on the bridge are all ogling the planet when the trio exits the lift,
"Ship needs a captain," says Kirk.
"All yours," says Sybok. "I won't interfere."
"I could turn it around and leave right now," says Kirk.
"But you won't," replies Sybok.
Dude, this is too easy. Really? Sybok is just going to give up the ship, just like that?
"Okay, cool. Away team. Chekov has the conn, and I'm taking Bones, Spock, and Sybok." The others start forward, and he's all, "No. None of the rest of you bitches are going anywhere, until we figure out what the hell is down there."

The shuttle goes down. More special effects mists. Then like, mountain ranges.
Spock looks up at Kirk. "I'm not working the controls on the ship anymore. We;re being guided in."
Sybok seems charmed.
They land, and Kirk opens a drawer of weapons, but Sybok places a hand on his shoulder and gives him this look like, "You know better, little boy."
"Fine," says Kirk. "Unarmed."
They leave the shuttle to stand outside, and they line up so that we get a shot of their profiles. This was obviously important to Shatner, so here it is: the trio with some forgettable character from an awful film.

"It's so beautiful," says Sybok.
They're all marveling. Wanna see what they're staring at?

It's the fucking desert. It's nice for like, five seconds, then you run out of things to look at.
Everyone on the bridge steps closer to see the planet, and I have no idea where the camera is that's supposedly catching this footage.

Anyway, everyone is super-amazed by some view you can easily Google.
We get a bunch more gratuitous landscape shots when Kirk & Co and also Sybok climb some rocks, just kind of meandering around. there's like, "wondrous" music playing like, "isn't this amazing?"
No, mofos. They're wandering around outside. The people on the bridge are still transfixed, presumably because they're being made to watch this rotten movie on the viewscreen, and pretend that it's not weird that there's no way they could get those shots.

Uhura tells Scotty that he needs to check out these magical things that are happening, but Scotty is taking the opportunity of not being brainwashed to fix the damn transporter. Also, because nobody is watching any of the equipment, nobody has noticed that the Klingons seem to have passed the Barrier as well.

They come out the other side of the mountains, and there's like, nothing. Not The Nothing from The Neverending Story because that would have been interesting, but nothing as in... dirt. Some rocks. Sybok looks disappointed.
"Here we are," he announces to the dirt and rocks. "We came by starship."
Spock gives him a pitying look. Kirk opens his communicator to call the ship, but doesn't know what to report. Bones shrugs at him.
Then there's an earthquake and the sun goes out. (Why is there a sun here? I saw no sun when they pulled into orbit. Just the glowing planet.)
(Also, didn't have Sybok have long hair pulled into a ponytail? Now his hair is short. WTH?)
So the earthquake is because the planet is making it's own little Stonehenge, popping curved rocks out of the ground to make a circle.
The baffled-looking away team steps inside.

Some more swirly blue mist appears on the ground, and some voices whisper.
"Are you God?" asks Bones.
"Totes magotes," answers a deep voice. It shows them some faces carved from rock (sadly, none of them Monty Python's God), then settles on one that looks like Zeus, because... you know why. "Is this face good?"

"Hooray!" says Sybok. "I traveled a long way to find you, and I brought a starship..."
"Can the starship be used to carry my wisdom beyond the barrier?" asks Mist Beardo.
"It could!" says Sybok excitedly.
"Rad! A starship!" says Mist Beardo.
And now, a kind of funny part:
The trio exchange glances, and Kirk puts his finger up, stepping forward politely.
"Excuse me. I'd like to ask a question."
Sybok and Mist Beardo look at him like he's interrupted their plans for a Second Reckoning.
"What does God want with a starship?" asks Kirk.
Mist Beardo ignores Kirk and tells Sybok to bring the ship in closer.
Kirk is not to be deterred, and asks louder.
Bones: "Kirk, WTF are you doing?"
"Asking a question," says Kirk simply.
Mist Beardo gets mad and demands to know who Kirk is.
"Don't you know? Aren't you God?"
Sybok tries to cover the misstep. "He has some doubts."
"Let's see some fuckin' proof that you're God," says Kirk.
Bones: "Jim, what are you doing? You don't ask the Almighty for his ID."
"I got yer ID right here," says Mist Beardo, and he shoots frickin' lasers out of his eyes like an ill-tempered sea bass.
They hit Kirk, and he goes flying.

Then, because apparently, everyone on the bridge can see what's happening, they all jump in surprise and concern because God struck down Kirk.
Sybok is confused, "Why have you done this to my friend?"
Friend? Seriously? You a crazy bitch, Sybok.
"He doubts me," growls Mist Beardo.
"Dude, where's the answer?" asks Spock. "Why does God need a starship?"
Mist Beardo strikes him down, too. Then he's all like, "What about you? Do you doubt me?" to Bones.
And Bones says that he doubts any God that inflicts pain for their own pleasure.
Sybok looks like he's coming around to the idea that he's getting cheated here. "The God of Sha'Ka'Ree wouldn't act like this!"
"Sha'Ka'Ree? Bitch, you made that up. I've been imprisoned her for eternity. Now give me your fucking ship."
Spock gets up and tells Sybok what he already knows: Mist Beardo is not THE God, or any God, he's just a Beardo made of mist, and who is probably stuck behind the Great Barrier for a good fucking reason.

"Reveal yourself to me!" says Sybok in one last attempt to prove that Mist Beardo is not also a con man.
And Mist Beardo turns into Evil Mist Sybok, who yells at the emotive Vulcan to bring him the fucking ship already.
Kirk quietly calls the E on his communicator.
Sybok runs to Spock. "OMG, I fucked up!" Then: "You guys need to save yourselves."
Spock spends half a second trying to convince Sybok not to sacrifice himself, then they do this like, Vulcan high-five with the ta'al.

"I noticed you have some deep pain," Sybok tells Mist Sybok. "Share it with me, bitch!" And he lunges into the mist at his non-corporeal doppleganger. They fight like season one's "The Alternative Factor."
Kirk opens his comm. "Now, now, fucking now!"
"Firing torpedo!" Sulu answers.
The trio ducks behind some rocks, the torpedo lands, and it blows up all the shit.
When they look back, the blue mist is gone, but is replaced by red mist, and some wailing.
"Let's GTFO," suggests Kirk.

Spock whispers "Sybok?" but you know he's gone. Red mist = redshirted.

They make a run for the shuttle.
I have no idea how long it took them to walk from the shuttle to wherever Mist Beardo's Stonehenge was, but apparently, it only takes them a few minutes to get back to the shuttle. And they realize that Mist Beardo guided them in, and that the shuttle no longer works properly, for whatever reason.
The shuttle rocks, and they can still hear the wailing.
Kirk flips open his comm. "Scotty, transporters ready?"
"Kinda?" replies Scotty. "Like, I can take two right now."
"Cool, take Bones and Spock," says Kirk.
"Wait - what?" demands Bones as he and Spock disappear.
They reappear on the transporter pads, and Spock orders Scotty to beam up Kirk.
Remember that Klaa is inside the Barrier also, and no one noticed?
The Klingons fire on the E, sending sparks flying from the transporter.

Kirk is chased from the shuttle when the red light enters and starts sparking up the craft's control panels.
Spock enters the bridge, with Bones at his heels, saying they can't just leave Kirk on the planet, and how many times has this scene played out over the years? It's like there's a Star Trek formula that includes certain story elements, and there's a quota you have to meet.

[x] Kirk gets kidnapped
[  ] Kirk seduces a girl as a plot device
[x] Bones and/or Kirk makes a racist remark about Vulcans
[x] Spock takes said racist comment as a compliment
[x] Kirk is abandoned somewhere, Spock assumes authority, Bones bitches at him for seemingly leaving the captain behind
[x] Scotty pulls a miracle out of his ass
[x] The day is saved with one second left until doom and/or death

Uhura tells Spock that Klaa is on the line, and wants to tell him the terms for surrendering. He agrees to talk to Klaa.
"Give me Kirk, or I'm blowing up your ship!" announces Klaa. He also speaks perfect Terran, though it's accented in some way that I can't quite pinpoint. Russian? Eastern European?
"He's not here," said Spock casually.
"You're lying!" rages Klaa.
"Bitch, did I stutter? Check the ears. I'm a Vulcan. I'm not capable of lying. He's on the planet."
"Give me his coordinates! I'll beam him directly to me!"
Spock pauses, then turns to Korrd. "Need your help here. You outrank this little shitstain."
Korrd tries to protest, because he's a fucking traitor to the Empire, even though nobody knows that outside of the E.

For some reason, Kirk ran back to the mountains. I don't know why he thought that was would be the wisest course of action, but here we are. Mist Beardo keeps wailing at him, and trying to shoot him with the frickin' laser beams.
Then hello, what's this? The Cruiser comes up over the back of the mountain, and blows away Mist Beardo. Kirk turns to face the Cruiser.
"You want me, you Klingon bastards?" he yells, forgetting that a split-second ago, they blew away the thing he was running from, but reminding us of the previous "shittiest Star Trek film of all time," The Search for Spock, where Christopher Lloyd Klingon killed David, the son Kirk had just met.
Nope. The Cruiser beams him aboard.

Uniformed Klingons wrestle Kirk off the transporter pad and haul him up to the bridge.
He's surprised to see Korrd.
"This little shitstain has something he wants to say," Korrd tells Kirk.
Klaa looks at his sneakers and shuffles his feet in the dirt. "Sorry I tried to kill you. I wasn't authorized by my government to do that."
"Also, check out the new gunner," says Korrd.
And the gunner chair swivels around, and it's Spock.
Why the fuck it's Spock, I have no idea.
Korrd could have given the order to fire on Mist Beardo, and it would have been done. It's completely unnecessary to have Spock as gunner on a Klingon Cruiser, just as it was weird and unnecessary to have Spock road-test the new brig.
But you know why they did it, besides the "fun" reveal?
So we could get these lines:
Kirk: "I thought I was gonna die!"
Spock: "You could not have died there. You were not alone."
Sarcastic D'awwwww.

Later, there's a reception in the Obs Lounge for the E and the Cruiser. Korrd downs some Romulan ale, and it appears to be not to his liking. Scotty offers his Scotch from a flask, then fangirls to Uhura that he never thought he might drink with a Klingon (which is interesting, because he kind of was drinking with Klingons in "The Trouble with Tribbles." I mean, he started a bar fight right after, but prior to that, they were kind of drinking together. Sorta).
Korrd wanders over to St John and Peppy Cheerleader Romulan. What the hell was her name again? Oh, yeah. Caithlin Dar. Anyway, they're all cozy, and I guess we're supposed to ship that. There were a few scenes on the bridge where they could be seen comforting one another, and St John doesn't look quite so slumlord as he did when they first met, so I guess maybe they actually like each other.

Vixis enters the Lounge, followed closely Chekov and Sulu, who are scoping her ass in a non-subtle way. Chekov remarks on how wonderful her muscles are. But her method for shaking guys at the club is to stand next to Klaa, and our boys immediately turn and walk away. Klaa salutes Kirk, who gives a half-assed salute back.
Wait, why is that army member serving drinks?

Kirk goes to Spock and Bones, who are standing next to the wooden wheel, staring out the window.
"Wassup?" asks Kirk.
"We're talking about if there really is a God out there," says Bones.
"Maybe not out there," says Kirk, gesturing over his shoulder. "But maybe there's one in here, in the human heart."

Spock looks sad...ish. Kirk asks what's wrong.
"Sybok," says Spock. "I've lost a brother."
Ugh, we checked off another box: create new character, making some main character care about them, then kill them off for audience feels. The thing is, I never gave a shit about Sybok, so these feels were never there. Like, I don't even buy that Spock is all that torn up.
"Ah, yes," replies Kirk. "I lost a brother once. But I was lucky enough to get him back."
The boys look at him quizzically. They know that he's talking about Spock, but they're probably also remembering that Kirk had a biological brother Sam, who died at the end of season one when he was attacked by killer flying vomit piles. Guess Kirk forgot.

In a brief scene before the credits, our boys are back in the woods, sitting around a campfire. The philistine who wrote the closed captioning for this film identifies a plucking instrument noise as a mandolin, but as the camera pulls away from the fire pit, we see that Spock has dragged his Vulcan lyre along this time.
"You gonna pluck at that thing all night, or play something?" Kirk asks.
Without a word, Spock sarcastically plays "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."
Kirk begins singing (sometimes substituting notes that don't belong there), and Spock joins in. Eventually, Bones does too. And the camera pulls away to show the whole campground, and then the rest of Yosemite is used as a background for credits.

Ugh, this movie. This fucking movie.
So this one tops my list of worst precisely because #10 involves an original plot, and this one goes back to the same tired, "the crew of the E meets God" premise that Gene loved so much. (While this is, for the most part, the last of the scripts that deals directly with that notion, there's at least one more TNG episode that deals with it indirectly.)
But here's the thing: Gene didn't write this film. Shatner did. In fact, Gene had not been involved with any Star Trek production since the first film, when the studio told him to take a backseat. Bill Shatner actually based this film on Jim and Tammy Faye Baker, a couple of televangelists. He was incensed that these two idiots were claiming that they, and they alone, had a direct line to God, and how arrogant that notion really was. So he wrote a screenplay about a dude who seemingly has this direct line to God, and the E gets pulled into his crap. He takes the screenplay to Gene to see if the big guy approves. He figured Gene would like it because Gene had pitched the idea so many ways over the years, and also, the arrogance of one person speaking for God would probably appeal to the atheist in him. However, Gene Rod was not pleased. Seems for years, he had been working on a project called "The God Thing" which he had told The Shat about, and now here comes Bill with a plot that's really, really similar. ("The God Thing" later became "In Thy Image," which later became the basis for the the first film.) It didn't help any that Gene's secretary kept walking around afterward talking about how Bill was a bastard, and had stolen Gene's ideas. Bill later admits that Gene probably did talk about that project with him, and that parts of it may have subconsciously slipped into his screenplay. So there we go: a bunch of Gene's ideas, as filtered through Bill Shatner. The same old, tired ideas, too. Gene would always consider this movie to be non-canonical, and because it was awful, many fans do as well.

And a movie about someone who meets God is tricky. If you build it up as a big thing (like they did here), then you're always going to get a disappointed audience when your version of God doesn't meet theirs. It's like the movie Contact, where they built up the fact that Jodie Foster was going to get to meet these aliens, and when she finally does, the alien chooses to take the form of her dead father, to put her at ease. But people wanted to see the actual alien, and not her father. Here, they use a "traditional" God (ie, one who is white and looks like Zeus), but he turns out to be a frickin' alien.

Then our flim-flam man is twelve kinds of wrong. First, he turns out to be related to a beloved character, and his very existence denies a favorite ship, that of Amanda and Sarek. (The wiki says that Sarek was never married to Sybok's mother, but it seems that Sybok came first? I dunno.) The idea of a non-logical Vulcan is intriguing, but it wasn't done well. Sybok is not likable, and he dances the line between villain, and anti-hero. I guess when he sacrifices himself, he's supposed to be sympathetic, and you're supposed to feel for Spock, but neither of those things occurred, so I failed to care either way. I was never really certain if Sybok ever believed his own bullshit about taking other people's pain away, and that ambivalence left me luke-warm. I neither loved nor hated him, and that's sort of needed here. It's okay to have a hated character who has some sympathetic traits so that you're a bit confused as to how to feel about them, and to also have some understanding as to why they do what they do (ie, Kahn's wife died, making him a bigger dick), but none of that was present with Sybok. What's more, none of that mystery is solved: what connection was there between Mist Beardo and Sybok? Somehow, Sybok knew where to look, how to get through the Great Barrier, and that he would need to bring a starship with him. We also have no idea how he produced those hologram-things of people's past regrets. He came, he saw, he recruited people, he did mysterious shit, then he died without explaining anything. Dissatisfying.

Okay.
Those boots.
Those fucking hover-boots.
I get it: the studio wanted a lighter-hearted film like four, because four did well. They seem to have ignored the fact that two also did well, and was not a comedy. Here's a tip to studios that make franchise movies that are one-shots, but loosely connected: if one kind of film does well, do not make every film in the franchise just like it, hoping for repeat success. That will not work. Each installment must be treated like it's own film, or you're going to have films that flounder. (I am looking at you, Marvel. You cannot make every film like Deadpool.)
Still, when the studio said "go lighter on your film about meeting God," they didn't mean "add the stupidest fucking piece of tech, ever."
Then they wrote two ridiculous scenes in which to feature said stupidest fucking piece of tech ever.

So this film fails a lot. Movie ten and Reboot two also fail pretty hard, but this one seems to fail on all levels and not just a few, which is why this one gets my pick for Shittiest Trek Movie EVAR.
Congrats, Star Trek V. You suck the most.
Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie and the blue unicorn it rode in on.



Fun facts:

- Baldy's name is J'onn, but no one ever calls him that onscreen, so I figured Baldy would work just as well.
- Paramount's president is a religious man, but he liked the story when Shatner pitched it to him, so he green-lighted it.
- William Shatner claimed that one of the reasons why this film did not do well was budgetary. He wanted more money to spend on stuff, but didn't get all the cash he asked for. This film was done for $30 mil. Two was done for $12 mil, three was done for $16 mil, and four was under-budget at $21 mil. But Executive Producer Ralph Winter felt like the budget wasn't the correct place to lay blame. He didn't think more money would have made the film any better.
- Weird continuity and plot holes "fixed" by the novelization of this film: Sybok shows the crew of the E how to pass through the Great Barrier by adjusting their deflector shields. The Klingon Cruiser scans their ship and learns this information as well. Also, the trip to the center of the universe should have taken decades, but instead takes hours. Sybok messing with equipment on the E makes this possible, though it doesn't say how it makes it possible for the Klingon Cruiser to follow them at that same rate. The novelization also included some talk between Bones and Spock about how the Great Barrier may have been created to keep Mist Beardo in, rather than keeping others out.
- The chase scene between Kirk and Mist Beardo was supposed to be longer and more complicated, but was cut down drastically because the special effects sucked.
- Here, we have another example of Star Trek picking someone to play a part, and then naming something after that person, only to have that person not appear in that role. In this case, Sha'Ka'Ree was named after Sean Connery, who was asked to play Sybok. But Connery was busy elsewhere, namely, filming Indiana Jones.
- There were supposed to be rock creatures that emerge during the Mist Beardo-Kirk chase scene, and they were supposed to attack Kirk. But again, those special effects sucked so badly that the rock creatures were cut out of the film completely. However, the idea was used in the Star Trek parody "Galaxy Quest."

- The comic book adaptation of this movie corrects Kirk's assertion that he lost a brother but got him back. In the comic, it is corrected to "I lost two brothers, but got one back."
- In the turbo lift scene, not only do the trio pass several levels that are labeled with the same numbers (they pass Deck 52 twice), but they're also counting the wrong way, as the numbers go up when they should pass the decks, when they should be counting down. (The bridge is on Deck One.) What's more, there are too many decks listed. There are only 23 decks on that ship, but they pass Deck 78.

Buried Uhura in a pile of nip-filled cat toys.
She seems pleased.