ST:TNG Season Three, Episode Nineteen "Captain's Holiday"

ST:TNG Season Three, Episode Nineteen "Captain's Holiday"
Production Order: 19
Air Order: 19
Stardate: 43745.2
Original Air Date: April 2, 1990

So we're not on the ship for the opening this week. We're someplace else where apparently, clear plastic counts as a shirt?

Two humanoids beam down and -

No.

NO.

I'm sorry, is this 1950's sci-fi? Very old Doctor Who? These aliens are cheesy AF. And they're costumed in left-overs from last week. And they're wearing fucking oven mitts.

They go to a computer nearby, which turns out to be some kind of automated concierge, and it welcomes them to Risa. (You remember Risa, right? It's a fuck planet.)
"I wanna know the room for Captain Jean-Luc Picard," says the female alien.
Excuse much, rude or anything? That's private information.
"Picard isn't here, and hasn't ever been here," replies the computer.
She asks when he'll arrive, which again, isn't any of her business.
"Not scheduled to arrive," the computer answers.
"He will, though," the female assures the male.

Riker's Log 43745.2: "So for the past two weeks, the captain has been mediating a dispute between two alien races. We're leaving now."

Troi enters the bridge, where she tells Riker that she's kind of surprised that Picard was able to get through the negotiations, because the whole thing kind of sucked. Picard then enters.
"Dude, get us the fuck out of here," he tells the conn.
He asks Riker how things went while he and Troi were gone, then barely waits for an answer before saying he's going to chill in the ready room.
Riker: "Sir? Congratulations."
Picard (turns): "About what?'
Riker: "The trade agreement."

You know what? I'm really into this thing where the crew members have a crappy day. No one enjoys their job so much that they're a basket of puppies every day, not even members of Starfleet. I'm reminded of Troi's crappy day in "The Price". It's good. It's relatable.

Picard disappears into the ready room.
Riker asks Troi if there's something wrong with Picard, and she replies that he was super stressed during this trade agreement thing.
"I think he needs a vacation, but I doubt he'll agree to go."

Oddly upbeat music! Opening credits break!

Picard is still in the ready room when Dr Crusher comes in.
"I have this problem with a crew member," she says. "It's classic overwork. He's totally stressed out, and it's affecting his health."
"Cut the shit," replies Picard. "I know you're talking about me. What do you want?"
"Take a vacation."
"Jump up your own ass. I hate vacations."
Yeah, I know that feel.
"Naw, there was that one vacation you liked," she protests.
"I lied." He puts away his padd. "Okay, look. We have some kind of retrofit or something coming up, and I promise to just hang out for the week we'll be doing that, okay?"
"Nope. I could order you to take a vacation," she reminds him.
"Don't you fucking dare." He pauses. "There's this conference on stars I wanted to check out..."
"No way. No serious thought."
  WTH, Beverly? You told him to go away for a week and stress less, and when he suggests something he'd like to do, you shoot him down? You don't get to choose how he spends his off time.
"Go someplace pretty, where you can be pampered."
Okay, that's what you'd want.
Sassy Picard Moment: "I'll give it serious thought."

Picard and Riker get into the lift at the same time and Riker starts cheerfully hassling Picard about taking a vacation.
"Not going," says Picard firmly.
"You should go to Risa," Riker ignores him. "It's great, and the girls are pretty. I'm sure you'd enjoy their sybaritic lifestyle."
And now, Riker's Word of the Day:

"Hey, boss! You should have some sexy times on a fuck planet! Very relaxing!"
Inappropriate workplace topic.
Also, that's clearly your idea of a great vacation, Riker. Don't force your interests on others.
They get out of the lift at the bridge, with Riker all disappointed that Picard doesn't want to go to Risa, and Troi decides to take matters into her own hands, by lying through her teeth.
"Will, great news! My mother is coming to visit the ship!"
"Really?" asks Picard. He asks Riker to join him in the ready room.
 Troi looks hella pleased with herself.

In the ready room, Picard asks Riker if everyone on the ship knows about the scheme to send him on vacation.
Sassy Riker Moment: "I think there are two ensigns on deck 39 who know absolutely nothing about it."
Picard realizes that people are going to be hassling him for the next week, and gives in.
"Fine, fuck it. I'm tired, and I don't have time for this shit."

Later, Picard is packing, and even though he's said he's going, Riker and Troi have decided to continue bugging him.
"You're gonna super love it on Risa."
"I'll have your bags beamed to your room."
"Hey, are you taking all these books?"
"In case I guess bored," Picard shrugs.
He packed Ulysses by James Joyce. Guess what he thinks of Risa and their sybaritic lifestyle?
"Have I mentioned how awesome Risian women are?" asks Riker in protest.
Sassy Troi Moment: "... too often, Commander."

Walking through the corridor, Riker requests a souvenir: a horga'hn. For those of you reading at home, that word is pronounced "whore gone."
Picard agrees. They reach the transporter room, where Worf really wants to give Picard a gold shirt for safety, but Picard refuses. He beams down, and Riker smiles about how Picard is going to have an awesome time.
Again Riker, quit assuming.

A calypso shirt and khakis, Picard?

Picard beams down to Risa. A woman bumps into him, then spots...
...ugh, a TNG Ferengi.

Why is he dressed like some recent retiree on a cruise? I'd place money on his
ensemble being completed by socks with sandals. 

Clearly, she wants to avoid this dude, so she kisses Picard.
"I think I'm not who you think I am," frowns Picard.
"Yeah, you're probably right. Welcome to Risa." And she takes off.
"...could have shaken my hand," mutters Picard.

He walks past those old-school aliens who can't seem to mind their own beeswax.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

When we come back, we get a camera shot that I can only describe as a "sexy sweep." We pan down some chick's supple body

then another woman in one of those plastic raincoats replaces the sexy woman's drink, then we see some couple sucking face in a chair

then the camera disappears into a raincoat girl's nipple.

Stop searching. They're wearing pasties.

Picard is trying to read his book, but he keeps getting interrupted because this area (presuming a pool nearby that's unseen) is pretty busy. He gets sprayed with water, and then this hovering ball keeps buzzing around him like a big freaking bug.
A Raincoat Girl named Joval is controlling the hoverball, and she apologizes before asking him if he needs anything.
"No!" snaps Picard. "And five other girls have asked me that this morning. I just wanna fucking read my book and be left alone."
"Okay, but... you have a horga'hn."
Then, of course, he cottons on. "Does it mean something?"
"Yeah, it means that you're looking for jamaharon which is nasty sex."
He realizes that Riker has been inappropriate again, and hides the horga'hn under a towel. "It's for a friend."
"Someone you love?"
Sassy Picard Moment: "I wouldn't go that far."

...is Joval pagan?

When she leaves, that freaking TNG Ferengi walks up to him, and does that thing where someone suspicious acts like they aren't talking to a person when they actually are, and it's really obvious that they're secretly talking to someone.
The Ferengi tells Picard that he knows that Picard is working with some mysterious "her" and you know from earlier that he's talking about the chick that kissed Picard when he first arrived. The Ferengi also demands to know where some disc is.
"Go the fuck away. I'm trying to read."
"You should not trifle with the Ferengi!"
Despite that threat, dude jumps when Picard impatiently snaps his book shut.
"What the hell did I just say? G...T...F...O."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna get the disc. And also the girl!"

Picard settles back on his chair to take a nap in the suns (sunblock? hello?), and then a shadow falls over him. It's that chick who kissed him, who was sitting nearby getting a massage, but I guess not close enough that the Ferengi could see her right there?
Picard assumes this chick is here to help him find nasty whore gone sex and tells her to go away, but she tells him to find said sex on his own time. Instead, she's here to apologize for macking on him earlier. She introduces herself as Vash (Vawsh, but she'll never pronounce it like that again), and he tries to go back to his book, and Dear God, is she still talking? Asking him about himself? It should be legal to punch people who interrupt you when you're reading. Books should come with giant soundproof shields that spray knock-out gas. Bitch actually pulls his book down to make small talk. Fucking small talk!

He tells her grudgingly that he's a Starfleet captain, and she says that explains the giant stick up his ass. He guesses that she's the woman the Ferengi was talking about.
Picard gets up and walks away, but Vash follows him. Rude.
They immediately run into the Ferengi, who Vash calls Sovak. They all bicker. Sovak wants Vash and the disc. Vash tells Sovak she doesn't have the disc, then she's close enough to Picard to slip a tiny-ass CD into his robe pocket. Picard wants both of them to go the hell away.

For some reason, all of Picard's downtime clothes are unexpectedly sensual.

Picard finally escapes and goes back to his room, presumably to read without people trying to talk to him all the damn time. But who's that in his room, scanning shit? It's those terrible alien-things in the bad outfits.
"Oh, come the fuck on!"
That's a perfectly valid response, IMHO.
"We're Vorgons," says the nosy female. "I'm Ajur, and this is Boratus."
How polite. Maybe more burglars should introduce themselves.
"We're a security team from 300 years into the future."

Dramatic music for some reason! Commercial break!

Why does Risa look like the set of Golden Girls?

Picard will never get through his book. Accepting this, he encourages the Vorgons to explain themselves. It seems that, in the 27th century, some dude invented some thing that does something to a star. Criminals want it. It's called the Tox Uthat (tawks oo-tat), and supposedly, it ended up in the 24th century somehow. Picard knows the legend, because thieves tookthe thing back to the 22nd century and hid it. The Vorgons (not to be confused with poetry-reading bureaucrats) went back to their own time, looked through historical documents for clues, and figured out that Picard would have it in the next few days on Risa.
"And if I find it?" he asks.
"You will. It's part of history," they assure him. "And when you do, please give it to us so we can take it back."
"Yeah, okay," he shrugs.
They teleport away.
Picard puts his hands in his pockets and finds the disc Vash put there.

Picard somehow magically finds Vash's room (maybe that stupid concierge computer gave up the goods). It's pretty trashed, and she explains that Sovak keeps searching through her stuff.
Is there no fucking security on this planet? No privacy? You can just find someone, and destroy their hotel room?
Picard pulls out the disc. "He looking for this?"
"Yeah, sorry about that." She holds out her hand, but he doesn't offer her the disc.
"Does it have shit on it about the Tox Uthat?"
"Yeah, actually."
Vash reveals that the professor who spent half his life looking for the artifact was her boss of the last five years, and that she helped him look for it. Just before he died, he found evidence that it was on Risa, and she is continuing his work. Sovak was sometimes hired by her boss to help them, especially if what they needed was shady or illegal. But Vash and Sovak are not working together.
Picard threatens to use the disc to find the Uthat himself, but she tells him the discs are encoded, so they better go together. Then she'll give the artifact to the Daystrom Institute for study.
They flirt, then decide to look for the Uthat, about 27 km away in some caves, together.

They're walking through the lobby a little later, dressed like 24th century Indiana Jones fans. It's clear they're going off on an archaeology adventure. (Maybe they will get to punch some Nazi aliens. You can laugh, but remember - we've seen that shit before.)
But oops, here comes Sovak. He comes up behind them and shoves a phaser in Picard's back.
He demands the disc, and Picard and Vash turn to face him. Sovak tells Picard that he paid Vash to steal the disc. Vash throws her heavy-ass backpack at Sovak, and he drops the phaser. Picard picks it up and punches Sovak in the face, dropping him. (Not quite a Nazi, but TNG Ferengi are irritating, so Russian judge allows partial points.)
Picard and Vash grab the backpack, Picard pitches the phaser over the fence, and they take off.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard and Vash are now in the caves, chilling and reading the digital map. They decide to crash there for the night, and they flirt some more.
"We're making good time," Picard remarks.
"I'll take that as a compliment," she smiles.
I... that's not a compliment? It's a comment on how fast they're traveling.
"I intended that as a compliment," he confirms.
Still not a compliment.
Vash: "I haven't been completely honest with you."
Sassy Picard Moment: "Forgive me if I don't act surprised."
"So I totally took Sovak's money. Like, I didn't steal the disc per se, because the professor had already died, but I took the money. It was the only way I could get to Risa."
Picard is impressed. "You beat a Ferengi at his own game."
They decide to go to sleep, and she teases him while setting up their bed roll.
"You would still be lying in the sun if you hadn't met me."
"I came here to relax."
"Sounds boring. You're not that kind of guy."
She gets him to admit that this intrigue and archaeology is a much better vacation for him.
They lay down under the blanket, and mofo rolls over, taking the whole damn thing with him.
I would not have expected Picard to pull a dick move like that.

She pulls the blanket back, forcing him to lay on his back, then she teases him about the fact that he initially thought at their second meeting that she was offering him a Risian sex rite.
He protests that that was a misunderstanding, they bicker, then he kisses her.
You knew that was coming.
They probably proceed with the sex rite.
Brown chicken, brown cow.

In the next scene, they reach another cavern that looks like an old cistern or well. Vash scans the cavern, gives an approximate location, and they go there. But then her equipment starts beeping in a weird way, and she tells him that she thinks there's some kind of specific ore in the rocks, which is messing up her reading. He takes two collapsible shovels from the backpack and they begin digging.
There's a wide-angle shot here, and you know what that means: visitors in the upper right corner.
Surprise.

"The hell?" demands Vash.
"Yeah, they're from the future, and they're here to take the Uthat back when we find it," Picard admits.
"Dude, are you kidding me? You knew about this?"
"Would you have brought me here if I told you?"
She considers this. "Yeah, probably not."
"Surprise, motherfuckers!"
They all look toward the entrance. Of course it's Sovak.
"I found the disc in your room, and used it to follow you here!"
Picard looks at Vash.
"I made a copy of the disc," she explains, "but then I burned it before we left."
Dude... why did you not take it with you?
"Only the outer casing was burned," crows Sovak. "Keep digging!"
He's got a new gun, bigger and shinier, which he's brandishing it at them. And the Vorgons are egging them on, so Picard and Vash carry on digging, now with a weird audience.

Dramatic music mixed with Sovak's creepy laughter! Commercial break!

When we return, it's clear that Vash and Picard have been digging for a while, because now they're standing in a big-ass hole.
Picard puts down his shovel. "It's not here."
Vash is disappointed, but has to agree. "We should have reached it hours ago, according to the disc."
The Vorgons say this is not possible, because the historical documents say that Picard should have found it, but they beam out anyway.
Sovak is livid. He keeps dancing around with his gun, insisting that they keep digging, but they're 100% done. They climb out of the hole, and Sovak climbs in, certain that if he digs a bit more, he'll find the Uthat.

Picard and Vash go back to her room at the resort. She's disappointed that she wasted all that time, and even though he tries to console her, she asks to be alone. He leaves.

Picard is in his own room when Riker calls to say they've finished their repairs and are in orbit, ready to pick him up.
"Cool," Picard replies. "Could you guys stand by, and initiate Transporter Code 14 when say so?"
Riker is nonplussed, but agrees.

Vash is walking through the lobby of the resort with her bag when she's surprised by Picard, sitting at a table.
"I was just coming to say goodbye."
Bullshit.
"Sure," he agrees.
"I want to put this behind me, move on."
"Okay. Can I ask a favor?" He leans in to whisper in her ear. "Tell me where you hid the artifact."
She protests, but he makes several guesses: that she found the Uthat right away after arrival, that she's been leading Sovak on a wild goose chase, that she staged not finding it so he would go away, that she didn't fully burn the second disc on purpose, so Sovak would show up in the cave and see her finding nothing.
She smiles, picks up a nearby horga'hn statue, and opens the top. There's a big-ass crystal inside. He takes it out, and she marvels at the fact that they have a piece of the future. When he asks if she really intended to give it to the Daystrom Institute, she admits that she was probably going to sell it to them.

Guess who beams in.
"Awesome, you found it. Give it to us."
Vash objects, asking how Picard can trust them. "Where's the proof that they are who they say they are?"
"The fact that we're here is all the proof you need," replies Ajur.
No... that's not how that works. Can some teen show up at a nightclub and say, "I must be 21, because I'm here"? Hell no. Demand to see some ID.
"I was gonna ask the Vorgons for ID," Picard tells her.
"Hold the motherfucking comm badge," says Vash. "The professor's notes said that two Vorgons, one male and one female, tried to steal the Uthat in the first place. Maybe this is them!"
That puts a damper on Picard's enthusiasm. "Yeah, maybe. Seriously, you guys got ID?"
Ajur is still holding out her hand. "You said the Uthat belongs to our time."
"Yeah, but maybe not to you specifically," he points out.
Boratus points a weapon at Vash and shoots her. It mostly just stops her in her tracks.
"Riker, Code 14 with a two-second delay where I'm standing!" Picard yells over the comm.
He drops the Uthat, then dashes to Vash's side.
There's a flash, and the Uthat blows up.

Picard checks on Vash, then turns to the Vorgans. "GTFO."
Then they drop a truth-bomb: apparently, Picard was always supposed to destroy the Uthat. I guess they figured they could talk him into giving it to them before he did so. They beam out.

Later, Picard is packing up his stuff in his room while Vash watches.
"You got any openings on the Enterprise for an archaeologist?" she asks.
Girl, no. The last woman we saw who fulfilled a role like that was this chick, and you do not want that shit.

"Eh," Picard replies. "There's not enough adventure on starship for someone like you. You'd get bored."

And he saves her from a fate worse than ceti eels.

"You're probably right," she agrees. "Think I'll go explore the ruins on Sarthong V instead."

He's kind of pissed hearing this. "You'll get yourself killed! Those people are nasty to trespassers!"

Yeah, she's just teasing. "Awww, you like me."

They flirt some more, and kiss some more. They say their goodbyes.

Back on the bridge, Riker reports that all went well with the repairs to the ship.

"Did you have a nice, relaxing vacation?" Troi asks Picard.

Picard smiles. "Uh-huh."

He disappears into the ready room.

"I knew he'd have a great time," Riker says to Troi.

Keep it in your pants, Riker.

And the ship warps away from Risa.

*******

I actually really like this episode. It's kind of goofy and light, and we get some good Picard moments. I'm kind of biased, though:
- I like Indiana Jones, and this episode is similar to movies like that series and "Romancing the Stone."
- I like archaeology. I liked this episode better than "Contagion," which also involves archaeology, but which fell a bit flat for me.
- Vash feels like a better match for Picard than others we've seen. They have an interest in common, and both call each other on their shit.
- It feels natural that some of these people on this ship would be shown to have a bad day, or to love their jobs less at time.
- I absolutely relate to Picard just trying to fucking read, and being continually interrupted. I beat the shit out of my little brother years ago with a paperback copy of "Slaughterhouse Five" because he wouldn't stop bugging me. It should be legal to punch people who can clearly see you reading, and still interrupt you with non-emergency chit-chat.

Things that I liked less:
- The design of the Vorgons. In the script they're described simply as "sleek and well-dressed." I don't know where they went sideways, but the inspiration for their design was based on shells. And I was really unimpressed with their costumes. Tights and oven mitts? Really?

- We got two Picard-heavy episodes in a row. Wish they had spaced them out a bit. Even putting one episode between the two might have made both stronger, in my opinion.
- Riker and Crusher's insistence that he take their kind of vacation was less than awesome. Not everyone wants "a swim and a massage." Some people view a relaxing vacation the way Picard did, reading by the pool, or going on an adventure. I'd get so bored with massages and swims and sipping drinks and crap. Not everyone vacations the same.
- A personal pet peeve of mine is when someone who is less emotive or receptive to romantic overtones is pushed into those situations by well-meaning friends who are not only clueless, but kind of jerks. Sometimes these things are done for the amusement of that person's friends. Often, it's written into shows because that person being in those awkward kids of situations is funny to viewers. (Please see: pretty much every fucking Spock romance, with the exception of "The Enterprise Incident," which was actually well done.) Riker setting up Picard with the horga'hn was probably viewed by Riker as a funny joke, but in truth, it comes close to being sexual harassment. And it tells viewers that treating your friends like that is not only okay, it's funny. Just a heads up: that shit is not funny when you're the person it's being perpetuated against.

Good stuff and bad stuff:
- Ugh, TNG Ferengi. Very annoying. HOWEVER, Ferengi was definitely the right species to be hassling Vash in this situation. It would have been a waste to invent another species for this episode, and it only kind of builds on the story of the Ferengi to make Sovak that particular species.
- I kept using the term "archaeology" but that term specifically refers to history. But the Tox Uthat came from the future, so... truthfully, I don't think there's a word that means "study of artifacts from the future."


Fun Facts:

- While Risa was always a part of the story for this episode, in the original script, Picard goes to the planet and stumbles upon a kind of creepy sideshow that tells the future. In this future view, Picard is a boring admiral, and Riker captains the Enterprise. It was a story about aging, and Gene Rod vetoed it because he felt humans in the 24th century wouldn't fear aging. He did like the idea of going to Risa, though, so that stayed. small elements of the fear of aging would be used in an episode in the fourth season.
- Patrick Stewart requested more "sex and shooting" for Picard, and this episode came from that request.
- Originally, the Tox Uthat was just a valuable object from the past, but Roy Moore suggested that it be from the future. The Vorgons were then created to be from the future as well.
- In an early version of the script, the Vorgons were shown to have possibly succeeded in getting the Tox Uthat, but it was pulled because it was felt that this might be too confusing for viewers.
- Gene Rod originally wanted a bunch of couples doing sexy things in the background on Risa... especially same-sex couples. The producers felt like they would never be able to float that by the censors, and were trying to figure out how to break it to Gene, but Rick Berman pointed it out to him that they couldn't afford to hire all those extras. Star Trek was trying to be cool... 
- Director Chip Chalmers was hella sick during the filming of this episode. They would shoot for a bit, he'd lay down on a cot for 20 minutes or so while they were setting up the next shot, then he'd get up and direct some more.
- The dude who plays Sovak seemed really familiar to me, especially his mouth (why I always recognize mouths, I couldn't tell you). Turns out he's played by Max Grodenchik, who will play Rom in DS9.

- Deirdre L Imershein, who plays Joval the Raincoat Girl, will later appear in DS9.
- This is the first appearance of Vash. She'll show up twice more, once on TNG and once on DS9, and both episodes will suck, leaving me disappointed.
- Wes and Geordi do not appear in this episode. Data does, but he has no lines.
- Jennifer Hetrick, who plays Vash, really liked the look of Sovak, but realized what a pain it was to sit in that make-up chair: "Thank God, I was human."
- The land mass seen on the planet's surface from orbit is actually Australia.

- There's a hard-to-see Andorian in the opening shot on Risa. This is the second and last time an Andorian will be seen on this show.

- Though it appears as though the Risians are not wearing anything on top under their raincoats, they're actually wearing pasties.

Makeup artist Jerry Quist makes pasties.
Another makeup artist, Doug Drexler, takes his photo.

Red deaths: 0
To date: 1

Gold deaths: 0
To date: 1

Blue deaths: 0
To date: 1
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0
To date: 127

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 0
To date: 9

Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 0
To date: 6

Sassy Riker Moments: 1
To date: 12

Sassy Picard Moments: 3
To date: 11

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 0
To date: 5
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy Troi Moments: 1
To date: 5
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 0
To date: 2

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 0
To date: 21

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 0
To date: 23

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date: 4
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 2
Picard Maneuvers: 1
To date: 24
Tea, Earl Grey: 0
To date: 4

Collie and Bratty