ST:TNG Season One, Episode Six "Where No One Has Gone Before"

ST:TNG Season One, Episode Six "Where No One Has Gone Before"
Production Order: 6
Air Order: 6
Stardate: 41263.1
Original Air Date: October 26, 1987


So I'm just gonna put this out there: I like Wesley Crusher. I think he's an interesting character, and that he adds nicely to the cast. That being said, I'm not gonna rag on him "just because." If he's being douchey, I'll call him on it. But having watched this series a bunch of times over, I can say right now that every character on this show has a douche moment, not just Wes. So while it's kind of funny when someone says "Shut up, Wesley," there are times when he deserves it, and times when he should really respond by telling them to go fuck themselves, because sometimes dude is right.

This is a Wes-heavy episode, and I'm just letting you know that I have no intention of calling that kid an a-hole if he isn't doing anything that warrants it. Also, Wil Wheaton is a pretty stand-up guy, and will fight anyone in the parking lot after school who says otherwise.

*******

Picard's Log 41263.1: "Hookin' up with the USS Fearless so we can get a passenger from them. This guy is some kind of engine expert who's gonna look at our engines and maybe make some adjustments to make it go faster."

We open with Picard and Riker having a heated argument on the bridge. Riker doesn't trust the expert, Kosinski, because he thinks the guy is a fraud.

"Why would you think that?" Picard asks.

"Because he called me, and told me that my Windows program is full of viruses," Riker responds. "Also, the specs he sent are shit."

Riker gets Data to back him up: they fed the specs into the computer and ran some tests, but nothing happened. Picard says that the USS Ajax and the Fearless both had the upgrades and are running faster, but Riker points out that the E's engines are brand-spanking new, and that the difference on the other two ships may have been to just upgrade them to the E's levels.

Argyle calls to say that Kosinski is ready to beam over, and Picard decides to send Riker to meet him, since Riker has taken an "interest" in the matter. Riker seems a tad annoyed by this, but requests that Troi go too, so she can tell if this dude peddles space-snake oil in his spare time.

The pair meet Argyle in the transporter room, and then Kosinski beams over with a tall dude in tow. Kosinski is the douchiest douche that ever douched. Riker attempts to be polite. He's got his customer service voice on, and starts introducing everyone, but then Kosinski is all "Where's the captain? The captain isn't here? Why is the captain not here? I'm pretty much better than you, and I'm going to whine like a little bitch about it whenever I get the chance."
He didn't even fucking say hello. Riker just smiles some more and says the captain is busy. It makes me think that maybe while he was in the Academy, Riker worked a few Black Friday sales. His customer service skills are top-notch here. He hasn't strangled Kosinski, even though he's said he doesn't trust the guy, and that's saying something, because this guy rivals Bem for "Star Trek Character I'd Most Like to Punch."

Riker is all smiles and courtesy, and addresses the tall dude, who says that he's Kosinski's assistant, and that his name is unpronounceable by humans.

Ugh. That's the worst. I mean, it's fine, but it's such a bitch when you're doing some kind of write-up of an episode, and you get a character who appears often, but has no name by which you can call them. He gets a moniker later in the episode, but that gives away plot points, so I can't even call him that. I guess he has to be The Assistant for now.

So Riker says that he read in the dossier that The Assistant is from some distant planet, and he's being kind of small-talky for the sake of friendliness, but then Kosinski interrupts because no one is paying attention to him. He wants to see the engines right fucking now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW. 

Fine, Veruca. Keep your panties on. Damn.

Kosinski just pushes his way through the others toward the engine room, because he doesn't need anyone to show him where they are. Argyle reluctantly follows.

Riker asks Troi what kind of reading she gets off Kosinski.

"He's a dick," she replies. "If it walks like a dick and talks like a dick, it's a dick. But the assistant is weird. Like he's a nice guy, but I'm not getting any reading off of him. Not even a presence. He sort of... doesn't exist."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Argyle enters engineering behind Kosinski, who is walking around like he owns the place. Kosinski immediately demands to know why Wes is in engineering.

"Fuck off," says Argyle. "He's working on a school project."

Dude, I love the fact that A) Argyle hates this bastard, too; and B) he defends Wes' right to be quietly working in engineering by himself, bothering no one. This is a working ship with families on board. Certain places will be off-limits to everyone but Starfleet personnel most of the time, but you're gonna get circumstances where a teenager gets special permission to work on school projects in engineering. Suck it, Kosinski.

Attitude check:

Kosinski: "I am GOD, and you better pay attention to me."

Assistant: "Hey, there. Whatcha working on?"

"So, hey," says Argyle. "I have some questions about your work..."

"Yeah, I don't have time for that," sneers Kosinski. "But here are your questions and answers: you tested the work in the computer and it did nothing. But I'm here to actually do the thing, and I'm not gonna explain how it works, so you guys can suck it up while I fiddle around in engineering."

When he says it's been approved by Starfleet, Riker says that he and Argyle remain unconvinced.

Kosinski tries to say that Picard should look at it, but Riker pretty much tells him in his same customer service voice that he should go fuck himself. Repeatedly. Sideways. With a katana. He agrees to let them watch while he does his thing.

This whole time, The Assistant is still interestedly looking over Wes' shoulder as he works on his project. Kosinski takes our boys over to the pool table console, and starts some long-winded explanation of things, patronizingly using the smallest words he can and talking in a voice that says that he thinks very highly of himself. He tells them that he's going to be working at the pool table while his assistant puts in the calculations faster than any human could. Wes and The Assistant swap places, and this time Wes watches over his shoulder at the console.

"Looks wrong, right?" The Assistant asks Wes.

"Kinda,"admits Wes. He changes the calculations a bit, then says it has a chance of working.

The Assistant watches him carefully, but with this sort of beatific smile on his face that might be creepy when paired with the right context. In this case, he seems delighted that Wes is smart enough to get it.

The Assistant is also polite enough not to remark on the fact that Wes is wearing
an orange bedspread.

Kosinski is still blabbing on, but he's saying a lot of nonsense that lacks substance. 

"I'm gonna build this warp thing. I'm gonna build it fast, and it's gonna go warp 55, and we're gonna make the Romulans pay for it. I'm very good at building warp stuff."

Riker asks Argyle if he thinks they should let Kosinski mess with their equipment, and Kosinski gets crazy-eyed and screams at them not to talk about him as though he wasn't there.

Boy, I don't blame them for talking about you as though you weren't there. I'm trying to pretend you aren't there. Then he barks at Wes to get the hell away from the console. The Assistant gives Kosinski the amused side-eye. He knows that Kosinski is full of shit.

Riker and Argyle don't think any of this will work, so they give Kosinski permission to go ahead and try it. The Assistant motions for Wes to stand behind him so the kid can see what he's doing.

Kosinski tells the bridge that he's gonna switch in his thing when they hit warp 1.5. So they do their thing, and The Assistant punches in his calculations, and they go to warp, but something is wrong. Warning sounds go off at the consoles, and Kosinski looks at his assistant in a scared way, yelling "What did you do?"

The Assistant, clearly not expecting this, puts his hands on his console and begins phasing in and out of space.

Of course, only Wes sees it. Riker and Argyle are paying attention to Kosinski, who is shitting himself at the pool table console.

Up on the bridge, Geordi tells Picard that they are passing warp 10, despite the fact that Kosinski told them that he would switch of his whatever-it-is when they hit warp 4. 

The Assistant solidifies again and falls away from the console, hitting his head on the wall. Kosinski now looks like a little kid who's in trouble at school and waiting for his parents to exit the principal's office so he can collect his punishment. Data reports to Picard that their velocity is "off the scale."

Concerned that his ship is being shaken apart, Picard orders reverse engines. Data objects because it's dangerous, but really, what the hell else is Picard going to do? They manage to stop the thing, but in some uncharted area of space. Geordi says they left their own galaxy and blew through two others. Data adds that they've traveled 2,700,000 light-years.

"Fuck, dude," says Picard.

"Yeeeaaah," replies Geordi. "At our max warp, it's gonna take us more than 300 years to get home."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log 41263.2: "Soooo, we're screwed."

Geordi tells Picard that he has sent a message to Starfleet about the situation, and because Data is Data, he can't just say that it'll take around 52 years to arrive. He starts calculating down to the second. Picard snaps at him to STFU. We've seen Data do this a few times already, and I guess the joke is that he can't estimate. I can't recall if he ever outgrows this tendency, but I do remember that he only seems to do it when it's most annoying to his coworkers.

Kosinski enters the bridge, all smiles, traces of the scared little boy gone. Instead, he looks like he's delighted that he's stranded their asses way out in the middle of nowhere. Nice going, Gilligan. The Minnow-prise is screwed. Riker and Argyle are clearly contemplating shivving this guy when they get him alone.

"I made a wonderful mistake!" says Kosinski cheerfully. (Yep, dude actually uses the phrase "wonderful mistake.") Then he explains his mistake to Picard was (insert meaningless drivel here.)

Down in engineering, Wes is telling The Assistant he is concerned for the alien's health. He offers to get his mother the doctor, but the worn-out assistant says she can't help.

The Wes gets right to the point by asking what we all want to ask: "Is Kosinski what he seems to be? A joke?"

The Assistant smiles, because he knows what Wes means, but he answers that Kosinski knows something bigger is going on.

Then Wes asks if it has something to do with space and time and thought being all intertwined, and The Assistant tells him that such ideas are dangerous, because the world Wes lives in is not ready for those kinds of concepts yet.

Up on the bridge, Kosinski is acting like he hoped things would turn out like this. He seems super-sure that they could always go that fast, and that they'll now have to start rethinking how they measure stuff.

"How about we call it the Kosinski Scale?" asks Argyle sarcastically.

But Kosinski's head is so fucking huge, all he hears is admiration for his accomplishments.

He thinks Argyle's "suggestion" is fabulous.

"And how exciting this must be for you!" he tells Picard. "Working with me is awesome, and being an explorer, I'm sure you're pleased as punch to be stranded in the middle of nowhere!"

Picard and the others are rolling their eyes at this d-bag.

"Get us home, Gilligan!" Picard tells him.

Kosinski practically skips back onto the lift, giving the bridge crew ample time to talk shit about him.

"He thinks he's right," Troi says to Picard.

Most of the others wonder if they can trust Kosinski to get them home again, seeing as how he just owned up to getting them in this mess through a mistake. Only Data the Immortal suggests that they stay for a while and gather information on the existing area. After talking it through, Picard decides that, if Kosinski's method can be replicated elsewhere, Starfleet can send back a full research vessel.

We go back to engineering, where Kosinski is waxing poetic about how this is an historic moment, and now everyone in engineering will have their names linked with his forever. Blah, blah, blah. I really wish Argyle would just punch him already.

Wes tries to pull Riker aside and tell him that Kosinski is a charlatan but, annoyed with the situation and the moron who is taking credit for it, Riker tells Wes to fuck off.

When Kosinski tells The Assistant to get up so they can take the ship back, Wes then tries to get his new friend some reprieve. Kosinski agrees to do it by himself, but The Assistant says that he'll totes help. They set shit up, go to warp 1.5 again, and Kosinski attempts to get his calculations or whatever to kick in. When they don't, his cocky demeanor slips.

This time, Riker looks up to see The Assistant phasing in and out of space. And he's clearly not doing well. 

There are some warp special effects, and when Picard calls for all-stop, the bridge whole crew goes "WTF?"

"Um, we never went faster than warp 1.5," says Data.

"Soooo, where the hell are we?" asks Picard.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log 41263.3: "So from what we can tell, we're like a billion light-years from our own galaxy."

"Fuck this shit," says Picard. "I'm going to engineering."

As soon as he leaves, Work spots a Klingon targ on the bridge. He's super-stoked because this targ is actually his childhood pet. Yar stares in disbelief at the targ and asks, "It's like a kitty cat?"

"Yes," he replies, petting the targ. But then it disappears as quickly as it appeared.

The lift doors open and Picard starts to step out but finds himself stepping out into space. Dramatic music! Picard panics!

He stumbles back into the lift, and when the doors open again, it's just the corridor beyond.

Back on the bridge, Tasha's earlier comment of "it's a kitty cat?" now makes sense. A cat has appeared on the console in front of her. When she hugs it and whispers "what are you doing here?" the background changes. She is in ripped, dirty clothes and standing in some tunnel clutching the cat. She lets go and tells it to leave, saying that it isn't safe, as a group of scary-sounding douche-bros approach her from the tunnel entrance. Geordi touches her on the shoulder and the illusion disappears. She explains to him that she hallucinated being back on the colony where she grew up, and was being chased by a rape gang.

(A quick aside: this is the second time that Tasha has mentioned "rape gangs" in the place where she grew up. That phrase seems kind of... blunt for Star Trek. They often hint at terrible things that may or may not have happened, but always seem to stop shy of saying it outright. But instead of Tasha just referring to them as "gangs" the word rape is added, leaving very little guessing as to what they might be after when they appear in the tunnel entrance. And she seems to have had quite a bit of experience with them, which means that they probably took what they wanted from her at least once, if not several times. Philosophical ideologies, manipulative people, governments drunk on power - these are the kinds of things that Star Trek normally covers. Sexual violence is not their usual forte, possibly because the creators were aware that people might be watching with their children. For the most part, anything of that nature is covered in a consensual way. Maybe I'm crazy, and it fits in well enough with the typical Star Trek fare. But for me at least, it feels like an uneasy match.)

Picard is not yet out of the woods. He walks by a cargo bay and barks at an ensign who is dancing ballet. She's wearing a tutu and pointe shoes until he demands to know what she's doing, then the accountrements disappear. A red shirt is sitting in the mess hall, playing violin in a string quartet... until he's just sitting in the mess hall by himself. Picard turns a corner and finds that his dead mother has set up tea for him in the corridor. This hallucination seems different, as she starts talking to him about the area of space that they're in. He realizes that he can get information from this thing that resembles his mother, but before she answers his questions, Riker comes along and finds Picard squatting in the corridor talking to thin air, and like Geordi and Tasha, Riker addressing Picard makes the image disappear.

"Oh, the hell with this," says Picard. 

He sets the nearest alarm for red alert and orders general quarters on his way to engineering. When he gets there, he announces to the ship that they appear to be someplace where physical reality mixes with thoughts, and that everyone needs to control their thinking for the time being, or they're all screwed.

Then he starts to confront Kosinski, but Riker interrupts to tell him that Kosinski was never the one running the warp drive experiment, and that it was all The Assistant. The Assistant, who is currently laid out on a table in engineering, being scanned by Dr Crusher.

And Kosinski, whose head is massive, tries to argue that the experiment was all him, even though it's completely screwed them all.

"The equations he was punching in were all bullshit," says Riker.

Kosinski's ego deflates a tiny bit, and he admits that he thought he might have been operating on The Assistant's level. I'm really hoping Picard will just deck him. He looks angry enough to do it.

Riker says that Wes knew The Assistant was running the show, and that he brushed the kid off - twice - when he tried to say something about it.

"The Assistant is dying," says Dr Crusher. "I don't think he can get us back."

Quiet, serious music! Commercial break!

Bonus: skant sighting!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Recap. Also, this alien dude is dying, and we don't have the capabilities to help him."

The Assistant has been moved into sick bay. Crusher is still unsure of how to help him, and Picard is starting to panic. And how does Picard react when he panics? He becomes a bit of a douche-bag. he barks at Wes when Wes tries to enter sick bay. Riker points out that The Assistant is buddies with "the boy," and "the boy" gets pissed off.

"I'm Wes. Say my name, say my name."

Picard acquiesces to having Wes there, which is fortunate, because he let that complete peen-hole Kosinski stay in sick bay, so he better damn well let Wes in.

Then, unfortunately, against medical advice, he demands that Crusher wake up The Assistant.

Reluctantly, she agrees.

"Who are you?" asks Picard.

"Just a traveler," the alien replies.

He doesn't introduce himself as The Traveler, but now that they are talking about him as much as I have been, they need something to call him, so they've taken to calling him that.

He explains that he isn't going anywhere specific, but he's interested in humans, and his abilities give him knowledge of propulsion, so he's been trading that for rides on Starfleet vessels and letting Kosinski take the credit. Hitchhiking across the galaxy without a towel. That's bad-news bears.

"Are we like, a kajillion light-years from home?" asks Picard.

"Yeah, kinda?" replies The Traveler. "But you got here by thought, rather than propulsion. You get that thought is the basis of reality, right?"

Whoa, nelly. Are we talking solipsism here?

"That's bullshit," says Kosinski.

STFU, Kosinski. You don't get to talk anymore.

"Naw, I get it," says Picard. "The danger here lies in the chaos of thought."

"Yeah," says The Traveler. "You guys aren't supposed to reach this part of your development for a hella long time. You haven't got the right control yet."

Riker gets annoyed and demands to know why, if The Traveler and his people have had the ability to travel around and visit, have they only encountered him now? The Traveler smiles. He's kind of delighted with Riker's "arrogance."

"No offense, but you guys weren't interesting before now," he answers.

He passes out. A brief argument ensues, and Riker suggests that they only got shot out of their galaxy in the first place because The Traveler got distracted. Kosinski scoffs, saying that that's just a theory, and Picard barks at him to put up some facts or shut up.

PUNCH HIM, JEAN-LUC! PUNCH HIM!

Nope. They wake up The Traveler again. Wes protests them dragging him down to engineering to help them get the hell out of Dodge, but The Traveler says they are right, and they seriously need to GTFO right now.

But first he needs to talk to Picard alone.

"Wes is a wunderkind," The Traveler tells him when everyone has left. "He's smart as shit, and you have to encourage him, but you can't tell him I told you this, and you can't tell his mother. It has to develop on its own. He and others like him are why I and my people travel. We're on the look-out for people like Wes."

Riker helps The Traveler back down to engineering, and Picard heads back up to the bridge. There's a weird little scene here, and I'm not sure if it's padding or what: Picard can't move into the next corridor because it's being blocked by a wall of fire, behind which is a screaming crewman.
"Put it out with your mind!" yells Picard.
The blue shirt is eventually able to get the fire out, and then Picard tells him to get his shit together and report to his station, because they're getting the hell out of Dodge.
"Yes, sir!" snaps off the blue shirt, and he runs off down the corridor.
That scene seems out of place, like they should have deleted it from the final cut of the episode and ended up leaving it in. But just imagine how stoked that actor was when he got the part: "Mom, guess what? I got a part on the new Star Trek - two lines, and everything!"

Picard's Log: "... fuck it, I don't know when we are. So we're gonna repeat the warp experiment, but this time, everyone on board is gonna think good thoughts, because The Traveler says he can focus those thoughts like a lens."

The Traveler sits at the pool table this time, and he's got Wes, Riker and Argyle with him. No sign of Kosinski. Maybe they sent him to his room to think about what he did wrong. But then The Traveler says he needs Kosinski on the main computer, and Kosinski is all, "You like me! You really like me!"

No, dude. Nobody likes you. That was a pity offer. Sit yo' ass down.

Picard climbs on the PA to tell everyone that they need to focus on their duties and send good thoughts to The Traveler.

They set the heading for their previous position, and their speed for that initial warp 1.5.

They start moving at a good clip, but it isn't fast enough. Wes, sensing something is going to happen, stands and takes the hand of The Traveler. The Traveler gives it a good squeeze, then puts both hands on the console and starts to phase again. This time, he disappears completely. When the ship drops out of warp, they are back at the same place they started, back where they first beamed The Traveler and Kosinski aboard.
Riker reports back to the bridge to tell Picard that The Traveler has phased out of their time and place completely. Picard gets back on the PA.
"Hey, all. Thanks for your support. The Traveler got us back in one piece, but he's gone now."
Picard then has Riker call Wes to the bridge.
He tells Wes that he heard Wes had been helpful during this mess, and offers to let the kid sit in his chair. Riker points out that, per his own orders, Wes is not allowed to sit in the command seats.
"What about commissioned officers?" asks Picard. "Like ensigns?"
"Yeah, that would give him legit access to the bridge," Riker replies.
"Cool, officially making him an acting ensign," Picard says. "Add him to the duty roster."
Riker asks if he should call Dr Crusher to the bridge.
"Why? Somebody sick?" quips Picard. "Wes, you want your mom here right now?"
"No, thanks," smiles Wes, sitting in one of the side seats.
And they warp the hell out of there.

So this was a pretty good episode. They didn't outright copy anything already done by TOS, we got a cool Alien of the Week, some good sci-fi took place, and a character's development progressed a bit. Now, instead of just being some smart kid on the ship, Wes has been promoted to an acting position with the agreement that he learn all positions and apply to Starfleet Academy. This adds the interesting point of view of not only seeing a unique position in Starfleet (how many other acting ensigns exist out there), but it offers us the opportunity to see what the Academy might be like, and also how it might be to be a really young ensign.

Fun Facts:

- The wild Russian boar that plays the Klingon targ is named Emmy-Lou.

- When filming for this episode wrapped, Gene Rod gave Wil Wheaton his Lieutenant insignia from his Air Force days. This reinforces the idea that Gene Roddenberry wrote Picard's character as a reflection of his older self, and had cast Wil Wheaton because Wil reminded Gene of his younger self.
- When the E stops after the first jump, Geordi estimates that they had traveled 2.7 million light years to the galaxy known as M-33. While it wasn't known for certain then how far M-33 was from our galaxy at the time of filming, current estimates put it at about 2.7 million light years away.
- The man who played The Traveler (Eric Menyuk) originally auditioned for Data.
- The story for this episode was based loosely on a TOS novel called "The Wounded Sky." One of the writers for that novel also wrote this episode (Diane Duane). Many fans theorize that this story was the basis for the show Voyager.
- Chief Engineer Argyle appears for the second and last time this season, making him the engineer chief who appears most often in season one.
- Data's estimate that it will take the Enterprise 300 years to make it back to the Milky Way galaxy at maximum warp, traveling 2.7 million light years is actually not correct. It would take more than 2000 for them to get back home at top warp speed.
- The music that the ballerina ensign dances to is called "Waltz of the Chocolate Donut." Nope, not kidding. You can hear the Mozart string quartet part in the first half here, with the Chocolate Donut Waltz starting at about 38 seconds in.

- Footage from Encounter at Farpoint is used, when the E leaves the USS Hood. Here, the USS Fearless is represented by the ship used to depict the Hood, and the planet Deneb IV is removed from the background. Good job, Budget!
- Some of the special effects used for the different galaxies were made with Christmas lights and water reflections.
- Kosinski doesn't wear a communicator pin, so his lack of rank pips and his behavior seem to indicate that he's a civilian working within Starfleet.
- The string quartet officer in the mess hall is sitting in front of a bottle and glass on the table. The bottle was created for Star Trek III, so the Federation logo for that time period is featured on the bottle. Ooh, vintage!

Uhura thinks you're cute.

"Jessie" Season One, Episode One "New York, New Nanny"

"Jessie" Season One, Episode One, "New York, New Nanny"
Original Air Date: September 30, 211
Obnoxious children: 4

We open... in a cab. Jessie is in the backseat, eagerly telling an IDGAF cab driver her life story while spilling a skinny latte all over the inside of his vehicle. She tells him that she came to New York after telling her father that she has a great job, but then reveals that she is unemployed and asks if he knows where she can get one. He responds by slamming the window shut on her.

Why can't I do that? Why am I not allowed to shut her off?

The cab driver has no lines, and while I'm sure that's because it was cheaper to hire a burly actor who would just brood in the front seat rather than pay a guy to say some lines, it works. She's annoying, he's fucking over it, and his body language toward her is better acting than her spouting lines behind him. I bet his motivation for this scene was his inner monologue reminding him that he's been acting longer than she has, yet this little twit has her own sitcom.

Of course Jessie discovers that her wallet is gone. She surmises that maybe it was stolen, because that's what happens when you go to Television New York: your wallet gets stolen. Just like when you go to Television LA and you run into some starlet on the sidewalk, or when you sip coffee in a drizzle while watching guys throw fish to one another in Television Seattle.

The hapless Jessie asks the cab driver if he'll accept lip gloss and breath mints as payment, and he throws her ass out on the pavement. This is a crappy slapstick sitcom, so when the suitcase gets tossed out next to her, it springs open. I almost expected it to make a boi-oi-oing sound effect when the suitcase flopped open.

You know that Jessie is from Texas because everyone from Television Texas wears
cowboy boots. 

It's a good thing that that cab driver ditched her outside of a fancy high-rise apartment building! The doorman comes to her rescue. He's cute and young and you know he wants to bang her. 

Quiz time! What accent does the doorman have?

A) Italian immigrant

B) Italian New Yawker

If you said B, you're correct! Though from the looks of him, A is imaginable, because everyone in New York who isn't a WASP is Italian.

His name is Tony (of course it is) and he helps her up. But because this is Disney Channel Original Programming, you can't go more than a few seconds before a precocious kid shouts their lines in the middle of a scene, focusing everything in on them. In this case, it's Token Sassy Little Black Girl, who hands Jessie the bra that's fallen out of her suitcase. Jessie, embarrassed, tries to pretend it's a slingshot, because I guess this is The Brady Bunch, and no one is supposed to know what those are outside of a Judy Blume novel.

"SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S A BRA!" laughs the Sassy Black Girl. I'm shocked that she didn't double over with laughter at her own joke, or slap her knee. That's what you do when you're hilarious, right?

Is this show almost over?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M ONLY ONE MINUTE IN?

Some woman comes screaming out of the building, dragging her rolling suitcase behind her. Sassy Black Girl waves and calls out, "Bye, Nanny... Whatever Your Name Was." She then follows it with, "Hey Jessie, wanna be my new nanny?"

Yes, kid. After watching a woman run screaming from the building (conveniently packed to boot!), I want a job watching your disrespectful ass.

This is Jessie's next speech: "Oh, thank you, sweetie. But I didn't come all the way from Fort Hood in Texas to be a babysitter. I came to New York to follow my dreams, because this is where dreams come true!"

"Yeah, right," replies Sassy Black Girl.

I actually agree with SBG here. Firstly, as someone who has been a nanny before, fuck you, Jessie. Also, are you expecting to go to one audition, dazzle the producers, and get a dream part? Not gonna happen. You need to actually pay your bills, and no landlord I know of accepts dreams as currency. There's a reason why every actor in LA is also a waiter.

SBG grabs her by the hand and drags her inside.

Hopefully to her death, if I'm lucky.

Apparently, I am not that lucky.

Now, there are two kinds of opening credits: the kind where they show clips of the cast from various episodes, or the one where they just have the cast do "we're friends/family" shit and record it. This one uses the first type, but because it's the pilot, all of the clips have been pulled from the first two or three episodes. Then we can have three kinds of music: type one is just instrumental; type two is a general feel-good song that can be paired with any sitcom; type three is situation-specific, where the theme song tells you the story of how this crappy sitcom came to be. This one has type three music:

"It feels like a party ev-er-ree day

(Hey, Jess-ay! Hey, Jess-ay!)

But they keep on pulling me ev'ry which way

(Hey, Jess-ay! Hey, Jess-ay!)"

As an artist, that reverse-shadow pisses me off. How does that science?

Really? It feels like a party, but they're pulling you in different directions? What the hell kind of parties are you attending? Do they include mosh pits? And what makes it a party? The annoying main character? Her irritating charges?

Then they toss in the cliched "they took a chance on the new girl in town/ and I don't want to let them down, down, down."

They didn't take a chance. The last nanny ran screaming into the street and some little bitch plucked you off the sidewalk and shoved you into the elevator. You were kidnapped.

By the way, the elevator opens onto their apartment.

Jessie compares it to the Astrodome. Because again, she's from Texas. Just in case you forgot while dancing to the catchy theme song. (No, really. It's catchy enough to get stuck in your head, so I walk around singing "Hey, Jess-AY!" in the nastiest tone ever.)

Notice the Executive Producer? She's known for such saccharine hits as "Family Matters," "The Nanny," The Suite Life shows... and "Married... With Children." One of these things is not like the others. One of these things is actually fun.

Sassy Black Girl tells the butler, Bertram, that she found a new nanny downstairs. Remember this guy. He is the shining beacon in this swampy, muddy mess of a sitcom. He is the only thing that doesn't suck in this show. Unfortunately, he still has to work with the shitty lines they give him.

She objects to his instant approval of her without asking for qualifications. While that's a good point, I'd like to remind you that you have none, Jessie.

She cheerfully reflects on the fact that she can have this great job and a nice place to live, and all she has to do is watch one little girl.

Bitch, did you not watch the credits? Or did you get up to go pee, too? It's four children and one butler. All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.

Right on cue, three other kids run screaming into the house and tackle one another on the couch.

There's a moon (planet)/moon (naked ass) joke that fails to land, but they flip the switch for the laugh track, anyway. It's during this fight that we get a bit of barely-passable character development of Ravi, the Indian boy. You almost don't notice it because it's disguised as racial stereotypes. Firstly, he's wearing a shirt with a nehru collar. Now, I really like nehru collars. But they wouldn't put that shirt on Luke, the kid in the orange hoodie, and that's the problem. Ravi also has a thick accent, as he's supposed to have been adopted from India a month earlier. Too bad the kid playing him is from Washington state, and his accent is faker than a spray-on tan. Because the shirt and accent weren't enough, he first advocates non-violence to the others, then when he gets smacked in the face with a pillow, tells Emma that he's going to be all over her "like stripes on a tiger!" Later, he's going to gather them around to read some Just-So Stories before heading for his job at a call center.

Sassy Black Girl tells Jessie that she's the good child, then attempts to demand brownies in some kind of threatening or scary way, but she fails to muster up the enthusiasm for the line, and it falls flat. Jessie yells at the grappling kids to "release!" because it works on her dogs back home.

Cue the parents, who are making out in the elevator as it opens. The kids run to them to get hugs and financial compensations for missed parental supervision.

Jessie is star struck.

"Their parents are Morgan and Christina Ross? The famous movie director and supermodel turned business mogul?" she demands of the butler.

"No, they're sheep farmers," deadpans Bertram.

Bertram, you are a gem. I wish you were on a better show.

Then the dad announces presents and Jessie, along with the kids, jumps up and down and kiddie claps.

"Not for you. This isn't Oprah," Bertram tells her.

Damn, dude. This guy almost makes this crap watchable.

Sassy Black Girl (nope, we still haven't learned her name) announces to her parents that she found a new nanny on the street. 

They're briefly surprised that the old nanny is gone, but not enough to spend more than a moment on it or even talk to Jessie before the dad announces that he has a working lightsaber.

What, you thought I was joking? Because I was not. That is the literal progression of the conversation here: found a new nanny, old nanny quit - I have a lightsaber!

Interspersed in all of this are the creepy interjections of 12-year-old Luke, who clearly wants to bang Jessie just as much as Tony the doorman does.

In a grab for cheap laughs, Dad slices a chair in half by accident. Laugh track is added. Then he takes SBG and the boys to play with toys so that Mom has a chance to chat with Emma (the blonde) while Jessie eavesdrops from the sidelines, hoping someone might acknowledge her.

The point of this conversation is to both establish a loving mother-daughter relationship, and to build some character development for Emma. (No need to build any for Mom - she's a secondary character at best in a show about a nanny and some douchey kids.)

Sadly, that first goal of relationship status is not met. Frankly, not only do I not believe they're mother and daughter (Emma is the only biological Ross child), I'm not even sure that these actors like one another.

And while they certainly provide character traits for Emma, they're as horribly stereotyped as Ravi and Sassy Black Girl. (For the record, Luke is not a stereotype, but a trope: he's the oversexed little man-child who hits on much older women. It's been done before, and always badly.) 

Emma is the dumb, blonde teenage girl of this family. While she isn't bitching about her science project (and is actually kind of excited about it), she comes off as ditsy. Her previous year's project was a "glitter volcano" named "Mount Fabulous." And, omigod, she got like, a clipboard and everything! Super science-y! Yes, that's a direct quote. And even though she doesn't say so, I bet her favorite season ever is fall? Because cute boots and Pumpkin Spice Lattes? And tiny dogs in purses and also Sephora? I KNOW, RIGHT?

Ugh. Why can they not have given this girl some brains? There's nothing wrong with her being blonde, girly, and enthusiastic, but my little niece is all of those things, and she's smart as fuck.

Mom says she and Dad will be back in time for the science fair tomorrow, then she oddly name-drops the shitty movie that they're currently working on, "Batman vs Superman." Naw, just kidding, it's "Galactopus 2." This is an awkward thing to say to your kid. Presumably, Emma knows what movie her parents are working on, so there's no need to not only say it, but do a physical flourish as well. Maybe that was for Jessie's benefit. The nanny-come-lately uses this cue to interrupt the conversation to say that she LOVED the original, and that it was the best giant radioactive space octopus movie EVAR.

...and that's the end of the scene.

In the kitchen, Mom gets texts from her private security company saying that Jessie is a shining example of a human being. It's a pleasant twist that she actually did some background checking on the stranger her daughter selected to watch the children, but I wonder how that happened, as Jessie clearly stated at the very beginning of this episode that she lost her wallet. Bitch does not have any ID. There's a joke about Jessie shitting her pants after eating armadillo (LOL, Texas), then Mom invades her personal space to "get a read" on her.

And Jessie officially has a job, presumably one that pays well enough that she can buy health insurance.

Creeper Luke rushes in to demand to date the new nanny.

So now Jessie has to get down to some nannying. I have no idea where the parents are in this scene, so they may have taken off again. Whatever. The show has decided that they're not important, so I guess I have as well. 

Luke knocks on Jessie's bedroom door. He's wearing a tuxedo and greets her with a bouquet of roses. Then he announces that they have a date.

Dear Luke,

That's not cute when you're twelve, and it's not going to be cute when you're still trying to do that at forty. No girl has ever owed you a date. Fuck off.

Sincerely,

51% of the population

Jessie tells him to shove it and announces that they will all be having dinner together as a family. Emma, passing in the hallway, thinks this is an awful idea. Sassy Black Girl finally gets a name when Jessie knocks on her bedroom door and calls her "Zuri." And now it's time to collect Ravi. Jessie opens his bedroom door to find a monitor lizard. Because Jessie is a female, she screams and pulls the door shut.

Emma informs Jessie that the lizard's name is Mr Kipling. You know, like that white British guy that wrote all of those stories about India? At this point, I'm convinced that whoever wrote this garbage made a list titled "Shit We Know About India," and everything on that list was included part of Ravi's character development. "So Rudyard Kipling wrote stories about India. We'll give Ravi an exotic pet and name it Mr Kipling. That'll make us seem clever, because there's a connection. Much better than naming the pet Spot or Fluffy."

I hate you, show.

Downstairs at the dinner table, Ravi bitches about his lizard being excluded from the family dinner. Luke explains that Mr Kipling was the one thing Ravi brought with him from India when they adopted him a month earlier.

"Oh, I can't carry four ounces of shampoo with me on the plane, but he gets to bring a velociraptor," Jessie complains.

Dammit. That was actually a pretty good joke.

The kids pick at their food for half a second, then Emma wants to know if she can go upstairs and work on her science project. Ravi follows suit, citing some crap about his lizard. 

When Luke gets up, he complains that "this date was a waste of clean underwear." I think they're setting this up to be foreshadowing for when he gets his first restraining order. He tries to pull some playa bullshit on Jessie as he's heading out of the kitchen, and then he does this sort of dance move. That dance move is the only credit I'm giving him. He appears to be a good dancer. But instead of focusing on that, they made him a tiny douche-bro.

We end this scene with Jessie saying something about mermaids not being real. Zuri, whose best friend is her imaginary mermaid, tries to pull a crumpled face, but it's the worst acting ever. It falls into the same category as the demon-child who demanded brownies - she can't manage an emotional response that isn't Sassy Black Girl. On her way out, Zuri turns and affects this ghetto way of speaking. "Last time I pick a nanny up outta the guttuh."

Sometime later, Jessie enters the living room and announces that she made cookies. Frankly, if I was Bertram, I would beat her down for dicking around in my kitchen. But Bertram gives no fucks. He's reading a magazine whose cover features awful design, but it's mostly because they want you to notice the title: Gentleman's Gentleman Quarterly. 

Dammit. That's kind of funny, too. I imagine Woodhouse from "Archer" reading that.

Anyway, neither of them knows where the kids are, but Bertram doesn't give a shit because that's not his job. He produces a note that says that the kids are running away because they hate her. She panics and runs downstairs to ask Tony the doorman if he's seen the kids. Tony points to his camera screens and says they're on the roof playing with their dad's helicopter.

That's right - not only are the Rosses rich enough to have a beautiful apartment in a city where a closet with a toilet is unaffordable, but they also have a personal helicopter parked on the roof. I fucking hate this show.

In the next scene, she pushes the giggling kids through the elevator doors and yells at them for taking off in the helicopter, which is why her hair is teased like a mid-80's rock band. She then makes them drop and do push-ups. For some fucking reason, they do it. I don't know why. The people who write for this show have never actually interacted with kids, have they? 

Does it feel like a party now, bitch?

And that's it. Two whopping minutes was spent on the "kids run away" plot. Come to think of it, that's about how long was spent on the plot for "the kids won't eat dinner together." Is this show a series of plots that are immediately solved? So far, it feels like a sketch show where the actors are a nanny and some kids, and they get together on Saturday nights, and act out scenes for a show about a nanny and some kids.

Also, this is the end of this part. Like, zero consequences for writing her a nasty note and "running away." Zero consequences for stealing a helicopter and trying to take off.

We switch scenes again. This time, we're in Ravi's room, which features something that looks like it was stolen from a Ronald McDonald-land area. THAT is the lizard cage. Ravi is playing a video game, and sucking badly, so Jessie shows him how to beat the game. Then she says she feels bad about startling his lizard, so she made Mr Kipling chicken-fried crickets.

*sigh* Did you know that there are a lot of good shows out there, friends? Shows where a girl doesn't chicken-fry crickets to apologize to a lizard? 

You know what happens next? Jessie gets stuck in the lizard cage, crawling through those tunnels like a wussy version of Harry Potter battling the basilisk, and that a-hole Ravi plays the video game with his headphones on. And because this show isn't racist enough, the stuffed dog on the end of Ravi's bed is wearing a turban like Punjab from Little Orphan Annie.

Anyway, the lizard fucks her up, and she manages to escape out the other end of the tunnel just as Ravi finishes playing his game.

Actual fucking line spoken by this kid: "This is much more fun than playing Duck, Duck, Mongoose!" 

I wonder if the kid who plays Ravi watches old episodes and thinks, "I can't believe I said that shit."

Jessie excuses herself to change out of the clothes she just shit in.

Oh, hey. Was that another plot begun and completed in two minutes? Think it was, friends. For those of you playing the Plot Drinking Game while watching this show, please make sure you have a designated driver lined up.

Now we get another one-on-one plot, this time with Emma. She's building her solar system model in the living room. I think the thing that's supposed to be tying these plots together is that Jessie keeps trying to distribute those damn cookies. The kids ran away, now they're being rewarded with treats. And what the hell time is it? Did they eat dinner at 4:30?

Jessie asks if she can help Emma, and Emma replies, "You can pack your bags and move to this planet."

Emma points to fucking Earth.

"That's fucking Earth," replies Jessie.

Thanks for reminding us that Emma is a dumbfuck, show. Oh noes, what if I had forgotten?!

Emma gets a Skype from her parents. They want to talk about the science fair.

"We're sorry, honey. We can't make it."

"Of course not!" says Emma cheerfully. "That would be cheating!"

Dammit, is that supposed to be funny? Endearing? Because when everyone but Emma knows her parents are talking about the fair, that means that the audience is laughing at her stupidity.

Emma is crushed and ends the call. She runs out of the room.

Jessie stupidly picks up the project, calling out that she'll help Emma finish her project, and of course she trips over an ottoman and the destroys the solar system. Zuri comes down the stairs at that moment and advises her to blame it on Luke.

The next morning, Jessie sees the kids down to the street to catch their bus. Really? They're that fucking rich, and they ride the bus to school like normal children?

Emma thanks Jessie for helping her rebuild the project "that Luke destroyed" and Jessie beans the kids with their own lunch bags.

She and Tony the doorman talk about how she can't get a hold of the Rosses to convince them to leave work early for Emma's thing, and he replies that it's too bad she can't fly the helicopter to the set of the movie.

"No, wait - I can! My dad taught me how!"

No, fuck you, show.

You want me to believe that Brangelina magically needed a nanny at the same time that this bumpkin shows up in New York with no job and no place to live, fine. You want me to believe that that kid is actually from India and that he owns a fucking Gila monster, fine. I'll even buy it when she yells at them to drop and give her twenty, and they do it. But you don't get to fucking fly a helicopter.

And why does Tony have the keys? Is he also the valet? Does he bring the chopper around for Mr Ross?

Jessie shows up at the Galactopus set, and a dude tells her the set is closed. Instead of having security escort her out, he shoves her into wardrobe. How convenient. Now dressed as an extra, she's ushered on-set and directed to lie there. A mechanical tentacle scoops her off the stage, and the Rosses are loving her performance... until she breaks the tentacle, and surprise! It's your new nanny!

She tells Morgan and Christina that Emma is really bummed about their missing her science fair, and that, even if she gets fired for saying so, they need to spend more time with their kids. So the Rosses fire her.

Instead of walking away like any sane fired person would, Jessie shows up at the science fair. She tells Emma that her parents are there in spirit, and blah, blah, blah. Something about gravitational pull being like love and holding everything together.

So Emma gets up to give her presentation, and the Rosses sneak into the room behind Jessie.

Emma switches on her solar system, which lights up and spins, and she tells the judges that everything is held together by gravy. (Don't forget that Emma is dumb!) Wait, she means gravity! Right!

Christina Ross touches the ex-nanny's shoulder and says "Also known as Jessie."

Awww, how cute! This shitty sitcom tried to give me the feels!

*patronizingly pats show on the head* That's a good try, show! Good try!

The science fair judge announces that the students are a disgrace and the reason why the US is 28th in the world for science. Except for Emma and a stereotypically-nerdy dude in Coke-bottle glasses.

They go to announce the winner, and Pluto falls off of Emma's project. There's a pause. The judges huddle up.

Then they announce Emma as the winner because her project "addressed Pluto being removed from the solar system as a planet."

Dude, fuck you, show.

Also, fuck you, IAU. Your decision was based on shitty science, and you know it.

The Rosses hug Emma and tell her that they came because it was important for them to be there for her, blah, blah, blah. It's all crap. Mom shows up for a whopping seven episodes... for the run of the show. Seven out of ninety-eight. And dad is only listed on four episodes of the first season... then he disappears completely. So much for "being there" for your kids.

Mom hugs Dad, Emma hugs Mom's arm... no reciprocation from Mom. And
Luke just kind of exists.

I guess this show isn't about the parents, though. It's about the nanny and the kids, and how the nanny has to make up for the fact that the parents frequently abandon the kids to go do something else, then attempt to buy their love back with souvenirs. Though from what I've seen on the various episodes I've been subjected to over the years, the nanny isn't really there, either. She has her own hijinks to get up to in New York, and four kids would just weigh her down. So the kids are either looked after by Bertram, who doesn't get paid enough to do that shit on top of everything else, or they just fend for themselves.

During the end credits, we see the family, the nanny, and the lizard enjoying ice cream in the kitchen. Bertram is nowhere to be found, either because he has better shit to do, or because he is simply considered to be "the help."

Luke asks Ravi what his favorite kind of ice cream is, and Ravi replies, "All of them. In India, we only had one kind of ice cream: melted."

The family laughs while I groan. Mr Kipling steals Jessie's ice cream, and she grounds him, sending him to his cage.

And I finally got to the end of this bullshit.

I think my final plot count reached four: Jessie tries to get the family to eat a meal together; the kids run away; Jessie tries to bond with Ravi but ends up being half-eaten by his lizard; and the Rosses ditch Emma's science fair. All of these could be stretched out into a full episode each, but instead they ended up being laced together without cohesion. A plate of cookies was not good enough to connect these disparate plots. What's more, there's a specific way to write a plot that's compelling, and which includes build-up. None of these plots had much, which the exception of maybe the last one, because it spanned several hours and included Jessie visiting the set of the movie where the Rosses were working. My question is, why did the writers not just stick with the science fair plot and ditch the others? Was there not enough material? Frankly, I expected it to be more like "girl moves to New York, gets a job as a nanny, chaos ensues because she doesn't know what she's doing, and the kids fuck with her." Instead it ran like, "girls moves to New York and works her way through four unrelated plots."

Let's talk about these kids, shall we? So yeah, we get it: the Rosses are the Jolie-Pitts. Okay. Whatever. And they have one biological daughter and three more adopted children. Fine. One kid was adopted from Detroit, one from Uganda shortly after birth, and one from India, a month prior. That's fine. There are a lot of ways we could deal with this. We could talk about cultural differences, or how everyone is the same inside no matter where they come from. Nope. Instead, we get racial stereotypes and tropes (the ditsy blonde and the oversexed boy). Zuri is irritating as hell. Her lines are rarely funny, and shouting them at other characters doesn't make them funnier. Her mannerisms and way of talking make a person go, "Ohh, she sassy!" Hand on hip, snap snap snap. Is this it? Is this all we have to say about what it means to be Black? That if you're female, then you must be sassy? Especially if you're a kid with pigtails? Vomit. We're better than this, and our entertainment should reflect that.

Speaking of entertainment and race, let's talk about Ravi. That kid is American, and probably went into those auditions and was told "more like Apu from the Kwik-E Mart." That's pretty lousy. Now, it makes sense that if he came from India four weeks earlier, he'd have an accent. But then, why was it necessary that he just come from there? Zuri came from Uganda, but was adopted at birth. Could Ravi not have been also? Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people with accents. But it seems like anytime a character is Indian, he needs to have an accent... no  matter what the circumstances. There's actually a really interesting episode of Master of None, Aziz Ansari's new show, that deals with Indians and Hollywood. I recommend it. It's a bit eye-opening, and once you see the examples they give, you start to realize that they're right: every Indian gets the same treatment. They're cab drivers. They work in call centers.They all have accents.

This terrible show kind of tricks you into thinking that these characters have some depth to them, but they don't. After spending 24 minutes with Zuri and Ravi, what do we know about them? Where Ravi came from and how long ago; that he likes video games. And I guess that Zuri likes brownies?

Emma and Luke are not so much racial stereotypes as they are annoying acting tropes. Luke, the flirty man-child, has no other characteristics beyond a knowledge of dance and some rhythm. Emma is a cardboard cutout. Sure, she's perfectly willing to do her science project, but she isn't allowed to do it intelligently. For some reason, it's important that she come off as air-headed.

I hate this show, you guys. Disney used to be about making quality entertainment that didn't have to pander to either kids or adults. It was just good in general. Now, they make garbage like this. Watered-down, "wholesome" crappola that the Helen Lovejoys of the world can plop their Special Snowflakes in front of, and not having to worry about swear words or content. Why would they possibly want to talk to their children about things they saw on TV? Seriously, Disney. Take some fucking risks already. I'm not talking about Very Special Episodes of Full House, where someone is caught holding cigarettes for someone else. I mean, real life shit. I mean scenes of bullies where the solution to the problem is not a concert that includes the characters involved. Someone bursts into song, and suddenly, the problems evaporate? What is that? It's just mindless crap. It's safe. But safe doesn't get you anywhere. Lots of shows where cute and endearing and tackled the harder stuff as well. When the actor who played Mr Hooper on Sesame Street died, they didn't hire some look-alike to replace him. They straight-up told the audience, through Big Bird, that he died. Punky Brewster did an episode when the Challenger shuttle blew up. And Mister Rogers talked about freaking everything. By contrast, a group of rich kids took a joyride in their father's helicopter, and are given the harsh consequence of three push-ups before their nanny is joking with them again. Then she bakes them cookies, because it's real important that they like her.

I've grown to hate Disney Channel Original Programming. It's all versions of this, so formulaic that I want to scream. One of these days, I'm going to sit down and make a chart proving that they're all the same show. All variations of Outrageous Redhead, Sassy Black Girl, Foreigner With Accent, Absentee Parents, Unusual Pet, Family Secret, and my least favorite, Surprisingly Successful Music Career. While "Jessie" doesn't have this last one, it seems to hit all of the other sour notes involved in DCOP shows, and the overt racism involved more than makes up for it.

Screw you, "Jessie." You're the worst of the worst.

*******

Maybe it's because I bought an off-brand, but this milk tastes weird. Sort of chalky. Not good with Oreos. Avoid this one.