Season 1, Episode 26 "The Devil in the Dark"

"The Devil in the Dark"
Production Number: 26
Air Order: 25
Stardate: 3196.1
Original Air Date: March 9, 1967

We're setting the scene with a matte painting. Yesssss.

We open this week by zooming in on a planet and cutting to some caverns under the surface. men in yellow and orange coveralls move through the caverns, tracking a "monster" that killed 50 people. A hapless guy named Schmitter is being left on guard with a phaser, and he asks the chief if the Enterprise will be arriving some time within his shift. Already this episode is awesome. I love it when they start straight-away with the conflict rather than dilly-dallying around with the E and a captain's log. In those cases, we have to hear about the conflict from Third-Party Kirk.

The chief and crew leave, and they're maybe one cavern away before an antsy Schmitter turns toward a noise, and screams "Nooooooo!" The others come running to find that Schmitter is toast. Burnt toast. Thank you for not showing Schmitter's burned husk, Star Trek. *shudders* That shit freaks me out.

Kirk's Log 3196.1: The E got a distress call from the pergium production station on Janus VI. Kirk, Spock and McCoy have beamed down to talk to Chief Vanderburg. (BTW: pergium is another element made up by Star Trek. Apparently, we won't discover it for another ten years or so.)

Vanderburg tells our boys that the planet is rife with minerals of all kinds, which get shipped all over the Federation. They opened a new section for mining, and their equipment started eroding. Then men started being attacked by some thing that burns them to a crisp. The creature has been moving up the mining levels, corroding machinery and killing miners. One of the miners, Ed Appel, comes in and says that he got a glimpse of the creature, which was big and shaggy. Vanderburg says that if  the federation wants the pergium so bad, they can just take care of the problem themselves.

Bones leaves to examine Schmitter's body, and Spock asks about a shiny playground ball on Vanderburg's desk. The chief growls that it's a silicon nodule, and that there are millions in the caverns, but that they're worthless. When Bones returns, he says it looks like the body was thrown into a vat of acid rather than burned.

Down in the reactor room, another guard is killed. An alarm goes off, and everyone rushes to that room. A corrosive has eaten through a door and a pump in the device that provides the station with life support has been stolen. Like most government-run operations, everything hinges on the functionality of an out-dated piece of tech.

Kirk pages Scotty, who says that no way in hell do they have spare parts for the planet's antiquated mining equipment. He might be able to jury-rig together something from spare parts he has lying around, but it will probably only run for two days.

Unless he's talking, all shots of Scotty look like this.

In Vanderburg's office, Spock brings up a theory that the monster might be silicon-based rather than carbon-based. Bones thinks he's nuts, but Kirk entertains the thought. The miners are armed with low-level phasers that would be ineffective against such a thing, but Enterprise crew members have a higher phaser setting, and Spock could alter them further to work better against silicon. He is still pondering the silicon nodule. He thinks that the missing pump may be the creature's way of saying "Humans, GTFO."

Scotty has beamed down with a junk drawer of spare parts and is building a replacement pump. Kirk tells him to treat the pump like he treats the E. (I dunno, Scump is a creepier ship that Kirkerprise, if you ask me.) Then the captain goes upstairs to inspect his crack-team of Red Shirt monster bait. He's sending them down to level 23, where the shiny playground balls were discovered.

Kirk and Spock go down to 23 with the Reds. I want to say that at least Kirk is willing to take on the same task as the Reds, but who will run the ship when your ass gets fried, Kirk? Spock is scanning for silicon-based life when they hear a scream. They go running to find a smoking, charred pile. Down one Red.

Kirk and Spock are investigating the scene when suddenly - the thing appears! Dramatic music! They phaser it, knocking a chunk from it, but it quickly scoots into a tunnel and disappears. Spock scans the tunnel and says it was only made in the last two minutes. They surmise that the monster secretes a super-corrosive acid that melts through rock, machinery, and Red Shirts. 

And you just pissed it off. Good job, you guys.

So the monster looks like Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs. Go on. Tell me I'm wrong.

I'm actually kind of hungry for pizza now. As goofy as it is, though, I can rag on it too hard. This is the first time Star Trek has really attempted to create a non-humanoid alien that's more than just a hand-puppet plant or a dog with antennae.

Think of the logistics of this thing. It has to move, so it probably has someone inside moving it, or else being controlled by remote (IMDB says that a performer built it, and the producer liked the costume so much that he actually wrote this episode to feature it). Parts on the outside move, which means hidden bladders and pumps. It's more than just putting make-up and a costume on an actor.

Spock scans 100 miles out in a circle. His tricorder finds all of their men, the miners, thousands of tunnels... and one creature. He says that to make that many tunnels, the creature is either very old, or else it is another space buffalo.

"It would suck to kill it," says Spock.

"Man, fuck that noise," says Kirk. "My space buffalo record is 2-0. It's silicon-based head will grace the walls of my quarter. Besides, the pergium from these mines powers the life support systems for half the federation."

"I guess so," says Spock, pouting in the way that Vulcans pout.

Red Shirt reinforcements have arrived, and Kirk tells them to aim their beefed-up phasers at what they guess it the creature's head, and then everyone should fire together for maximum damage. Spock tells the Red Shirts to capture the creature, but Kirk gets mad and tells them to kill it. When the Reds disperse, Kirk confronts Spock.

He gives the Vulcan some passive-aggressive bullshit about wanting him to help Scotty with the pump. Spock immediately calls him on it, stating that Scotty knows more about nuclear reactors that he does. Kirk then tries to say that it's not a good idea for both the first and second in command to be on the same mission. Really, Kirk? Then go back to the fucking ship. Spock counters with the calculated odds of them both being killed, which are 2000+ to 1.

"Okay," Kirk concedes. "You got me."

OMG, you guys. Just kiss already.

Scotty interrupts their interlude to say that the pump has finally broken. Kirk gives the order to evacuate most of the miners.

(Fun fact: it was this scene, with Kirk's passive-aggressive rank-pulling, that convinced me to start this blog. I really, really wanted to make fun of Kirk. He has not disappointed.)

The six remaining miners are assigned to the two teams of Reds, and Spock and Kirk encounter a pair of tunnels that merge further on.

"Let's split up," says Kirk, who has just told groups of men not to go anywhere alone.

So if Kirk and Spock split up and go into separate tunnels, which one will meet the serial killer? I think it's Kirk, who is simultaneously The Jock and The Slut. According to Joss Whedon, killing Spock is optional.

Kirk's tunnel is filled with shiny playground balls. Spock tells Kirk over the comms that he has a theory, and warns Kirk not to harm the playground balls.The Pizza Creature moves in the shadows, creating a cave-in. Spock is concerned, but Kirk reminds him that the tunnels meet up further down. Only - dramatic music! - the Pizza Creature tunnels out of the wall and traps Kirk!

Not The Shat. Totally a stunt double here.

There's a stand-off between Kirk and the Pizza Creature, and Spock radios in to tell Kirk to kill it. When Kirk asks why Spock changed his mind, Spock replies that Kirk is in danger.

Aw, Kirky. He luuurrves you. He wants to have your gaybies.

Spock comes running down the tunnel to find Kirk and the Pizza Creature kickin' it. Kirk says that the creature has not attacked him because it is injured. Yeah, you guys did that...

"I have an idea," says Spock. "What if I mind-meld with it?"

This is totally a screen capture of Spock doing a mind-meld. It
only looks like Leonard sneezing.

Spock does a touch-less mind-meld with the creature and ends up yelling "pain!" before stumbling backward. recovering, he tells Kirk that the creature is a Horta, is highly intelligent, and that it's in extreme pain from the wound they inflicted upon it. The Pizza Horta moves over a flat rock and corrodes it to say "No Kill I". Apparently, it's a quick learner, although it has a terrible grasp on grammar.

Kirk pages Bones to get down there with his bag of tricks. He hopes to patch up the wound that they gave the Horta.

Spock does a second mind-meld while Bones scans the wound.

"It's like rock," Bones complains. "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."

"You're a healer," argues Kirk. "Work your magic and shit."

Spock, through the mind-meld, directs Kirk into a side tunnel where he can find the pump, and Kirk ends up in a room full of the silicon nodules, some broken open.

he brings the pump part back and drags a tearful Spock away from the Pizza Horta. Now this is an emotional Spock that I can buy. He's upset because he's essentially absorbed the feels of another being. So much more believable than "Tra-La-La, I'm High" Spock.

The miners, which suddenly number far more than 6, are angry at the Pizza Horta, and come barreling down the tunnel to kill the creature.

Kirk and Spock explain to them that every 50,000 years, the entire Horta race dies, leaving one female and thousands of eggs. The remaining Horta was cool with sharing the planet with humans until they busted up her nursery, and she had to go all Mama Bear.

"Here's the deal," says Kirk. "The little dudes will hatch. They ingest rock, and tunnel. You will then have access to minerals that you didn't have access to previously, and you'll be a million times more efficient." Really? You're choosing compromise and diplomacy over phaser fire? Is that a first, Kirk? You also let a space buffalo live! I'm shocked.

"Wait," says Spock. "We fatally wounded her."

"Naw, we're good," says Bones, who is up to his elbows in gray stuff. "I had the E beam down the silicon-based compound that we use to build emergency shelters. I made a plaster from it. She'll be fine, cuz I'm the shit."

Up top, Vanderburg calls the bridge to report that the Horta juniors are all hatching, tunneling, and opening up scandalously rich pockets of minerals. he says that the Horta aren't so bad once you get used to their appearance.

"Mama Horta said the same thing about humans," Spock remarks.

Kirk and Bones try to give him some crap about being a Vulcan and being less attractive than humans.

"Whatever, ho," says Spock. "She liked my ears."

*******

RIP Roll-Call

This dude Schmitter

This blond miner

This Red

Surprisingly, out of all the Reds we had on this episode, we only lost one.

*******

This week I wasn't thinking too much and bought a box of Safeway brand tea, Amaretto Rooibos. I guess if you live in an area where they have Safeway grocery stores, you can possibly find this tea on the shelf. I was attracted to two things: 1. It's a rooibos, always a winner with me; and 2. It's amaretto-flavored (almond and vanilla). Curious, I opened the box and the inner bag to smell it. It smells like tiny, expensive, fancy cookies. The tea bags were the pyramid ones, and they included a string, which I like. It's much heavier on the almond flavor than vanilla, but not unpleasantly so. It's a bit like liquid biscotti. It's tasty.

Season 1, Episode 25 "This Side of Paradise"

"This Side of Paradise"
Production Number: 25
Air Order: 24
Stardate: 3417.3
Original Air Date: March 2, 1967

Our little Spock passed away this week. He was the underdog, the kitten with the worst eye deformities, and the one that gained the least amount of weight over the months. He was a fighter though, coming through his eye surgery like a champ, overcoming litter box aversion, and making friends with the resident house cat at the home where he and Kirk had been adopted. The thing is, sometimes when a whole slew of vets look at a kitten, none of them notices that he has a weakened heart that won't carry him through his first year. Sometimes you tell yourself that weak hearts happen, and that you helped three kittens, and that two have survived, and that he lived a good eight months after being abandoned in a field. And sometimes you sit in the corner and cry because your Rockety died, and that's really unfair. Do Auntie Archon a favor, friends: when you take your furry friends to the vet, ask them to listen to that friend's heart for a full minute rather than just 5 or 6 beats. Heart problems cannot always be detected in 5 or 6 beats, and I don't want more friends going down because of it.

*******

We open this week on the bridge, all dramatic music as the Enterprise approaches a green planet. They're looking for a colony of people who settled there three years earlier, but these people settled under the threat of berthold rays, a form of radiation known to break down living tissue within weeks. Kirk puts a landing party together and they beam down to the surface. The settlement they end up in features fences and barns.

Kirk remarks that it's sad that the colonists traveled a year from Earth and set this up, only to die.

"Naw, we're good," says a voice, and the away team turns in surprise as three guys welcome them to the colony. Dramatic music!

Kirk's Log 3417.3: "Those guys that were supposed to be dead are not dead... I hope phasers work on zombies..."

The head colonist Elias Sandoval offers them a tour, and when he walks away, the team speculates on the colony's Schrodinger-like existence. They decide that the colonists are alive, and Spock tells the away team that they're okay wandering around in the berthold rays for about a week before they'll all get sick and die. Remember that, kids. It's probably this week's Disable the Ship.

Sandoval takes them to his house. All of these sets look like they were re-purposed from Anne of Green Gables, and I again find myself wondering how heavily the stories for this show are affected by what pre-built sets were cheapest to rent. Sandoval tells the away team that their group of 150 people split into three colonies so that if one group got sick, the other two colonies would still be fine. Okay, props to them for being smart.

Sandoval is interrupted by a blonde girl who is introduced as Leila Kalomi, a botanist. Leila gets some Girl-O-Vision, but instead of the Pretty Girl stripper music, she gets some gentle flute-based music that indicates that she's a love interest instead. She admits that she and Spock have met before, 6 years earlier on Earth, but he clams up.

Sulu and a Blue Shirt go looking for things that don't fit - anything that might tell them how the colonists survived for three years when they shouldn't have survived for three weeks. They notice that the colony has no animals, even though the manifest says that they brought some.

Sandoval asks Leila about her fling with Spock . She says that she was in love with him years ago, but that she never knew how he felt. Then they discuss how Spock will now be living with them. Only, you know, they don't bother to tell him. I feel like Surprise Co-Habitation goes over just as well as Surprise Wedding, or Surprise Enema. People need notice, you know.

Bones is doing medical exams on the colonists, every one of which is in perfect health. He decides to look at the medical records of the colonists before they arrived on the planet. Spock calls to say that his tricorder is picking up only people and planets, no animals.

Sandoval takes Kirk out to the fields to show him their small farming plots, and tells him that the soil grows anything that they plant in it. Another Gold Shirt confirms it and says that the colony only grows enough to sustain itself.

Bones calls Kirk back to the house to tell him that Sandoval's medical records pre-colony registered some scar tissue and an appendectomy. But when he scanned Sandoval an hour ago, the scar tissue was gone, and the colonist had grown a new appendix.

Outside, Spock scans the crops. He tells Leila that it's weird that they have no insects or animals, but the plants grow. When he asks how the colonists have survived, she counters with questions about his feelings.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Kirk tells Sandoval that the Enterprise has been ordered to evacuate the planet.

"We're good," says Sandoval.

"Um, those rays are going to kill you," points out Bones.

"Also, you have no animals," says Kirk.

"Meh," says Sandoval. "We don't want to leave."

Leila is leading Spock somewhere, saying that she will explain everything. She says not to worry, that this thing brings life, peace and love.

Now taking bets! Cult? Computer that runs the planet? Chip implantation? Mass hypnotism?

Spock guesses Xanax. He steps too close to a tall flower, and it sprays him with confetti. Happy Birthday!

Spock drops to his knees in pain, and when Leila goes to him, she tells him that she loves him. They kiss. It's weird.

Kirk's Log, supplemental: "We're supposed to evacuate. They don't wanna."

Sandoval and Kirk argue, and Sulu shows up with the other Blue. Kirk tells them to round up the colonists, and they notice that Spock and Gold Shirt DeSalle are missing.

Kirk pages Spock, who is lying on the grass with his head in Leila's lap. They're cloud-watching, and somehow, Spock has changed his clothes. He's now wearing a colony jumpsuit. He waxes rhapsodic about clouds and - I shit you not - rainbows, while Kirk tells him that they're going to evacuate.

"Nah, I don't wanna do that," says Spock, and he drops the comm in the grass so he and Leila can make out some more.

I'm imagining a writers' meeting, you guys.

Writer 1: I think we should do a Spock-centric episode. We've only done one so far, and I think there are some cool things in the Vulcan mindset and lifestyle that we could explore.

Writer 2: Ugh, boring. I say we make him do something completely out of character, like bang a girl.

Writer 3: Or get him high as a kite?

W2: Yeah, I like both of those. Let's do both.

W1: No, I really don't think those are good ideas. We set up Spock in a really specific way, so that he could vocalize the logical side of Kirk. Is this story going to be about Kirk no longer having Spock to rely on for logic?

W3: No, that's boring, too. We'll have Kirk work out shit on his own, but the juicy bits of the story are Spock banging a blonde and taking drugs. The rest is background noise.

Bones is concerned about Spock, who doesn't sound like himself. Kirk assigns Bones to the evac, and sets off to find Spock with Sulu and the Blue Shirt in tow. They use his comm as a homing device, and find him hanging from a tree, laughing.

"You didn't come when I called," says Kirk.

"I didn't feel like it," says Spock, who is smiling too much.

Kirk tells Sulu to arrest Spock, but instead, Spock and Leila lead the others to a patch of plants, which shoot confetti on Kirk, Sulu, and the Blue Shirt.

Kirk is unchanged, but Sulu and the Blue Shirt are instantly high.Why is Sulu so susceptible to this shit? First it was the illness that makes you act drunk. Then it was Landru. Now it's the Confetti Plant. Dude cannot catch a break.

Sadly, DeSalle brought Confetti Flowers to the evac site. Now everyone but Kirk is high. When Kirk approaches Bones, Bones has slipped into a Southern accent. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be funny, or character development. He's stated all along that he's a simple country doctor, so it kind of makes sense... I'll give the writers the benefit of the doubt here.

More bad news, friends. Bones and DeSalle have been beaming the plants up, and the spores have been spreading through the ship via the ventilation system. Uhura Disabled the Ship by short-circuiting Communications. And Kirk beams up to find that the crew is lining up outside the transporter room so they can beam down and join the colony. Kirk is the only sober dude standing at the corner of Haight-Ashbury.

Kirk's Log 3417.5: "Everyone is high but me, and the crew has deserted the ship."

Kirk attempts to call Bones, to get him to analyze the effects that the plant has on the body, but the good doctor just chuckles and drawls that his tonsils have grown back. Then he talks about mint juleps.

Kirk bursts in on Spock and Sandoval having a tea party. McCoy has wandered off to make a mint julep. Spock has enough sense about him to tell Kirk that the plants drifted through space until they landed on Omicron Ceti III. They thrive on berthold rays, and then the confetti spores look for a human host. In return the spores provide the host with perfect health and peace.

Kirk gets angry and points out that the colony is stagnant, that without ambition man has no reason to better himself. I feel like this is really important, like it's the whole point of a Just Say No episode, but instead it's kind of two throw-away sentences before Kirk storms out to go back to the ship... while Spock talks about how wonderful it is to live in love on the planet.

Kirk's Log 3417.7: Kirk is trapped on the ship. He can't pilot it by himself, and he has no way to radio for help. He can only stay in orbit for a few months, and then I assume he'll fall into the atmosphere and hit the ground in a fireball.

He's sitting introspectively at the helm when a plant pops up and sprays confetti in his face. Now Kirk is high, too. He calls Spock.

"Yay!" says Spock. "Beam down!"

"Okay!" says Kirk, who runs off to pack his stuff.

While he's packing, Spock and Leila are probably making plans to open a business. Leila will make Confetti Plant edibles, and Spock will tend to their crop. ("This strain is called The Jolly Vulcan.") Then they'll sit around all day and watch the clouds and talk about how someday they'll hop a space cruiser and go to Amsterdam, even though they'll never go to Amsterdam because they spent all of their money on plant food.

Meanwhile, Kirk is annoyed that he has to leave his lady behind. It makes him feel angry enough to destroy his high, and he determines that the spores are ineffective against strong emotions.

It's always violence, Kirk. Can you please tell me why anger is always the answer with you?

He makes a supplemental log entry about how Spock's physical strength could kill him, but he has a plan and will have to risk it. He calls Spock and says he needs help moving some equipment, and Spock beams aboard, where he is met with insults about his heritage, questions about his loyalty, and accusations about being a living computer. Spock finally snaps, and there's a fight scene which includes obvious stunt doubles.

Spock's head clears, and Kirk explains why he started the fight. Then he says that he needs Spock's help to build a subsonic transmitter to save the crew, which creates my favorite line of this episode:

Spock: Striking a fellow officer is a court-martial offense.

Kirk: Well, if we're both in the brig, who's going to build the subsonic transmitter?

Leila uses Bones' comm to call Spock while he works on the transmitter. She's missed him in the thirty minutes he's been gone, and she wants to beam up, because she's never seen a starship before. Apparently, Leila apparated to Omicron Ceti III. Even being an emotion-eschewing Vulcan, Spock knows that it's not right to comm-message break-up, so he beams her aboard.

She's aware right away that he is his old self again, and she cries and says that she still loves him. Honestly, I don't ship this. I buy her emotions, but this possible previous relationship seems forced. Anyway, Leila's strong emotions break the spores' hold on her.

They turn on the transmitter, which broadcasts impulses over the comms. There's this brief, awesome fight between DeSalle and Sulu, and then our extra Blue and Gold Shirts get into it as well.

Bones is chewing a blade of grass and drinking his homemade julep. Sandoval approaches him about assigning him a new job, as they are all in perfect health, and do not require the services of a doctor. Bones gets pissed off and hits Sandoval, snapping them both out of it.

Sandoval looks around. "Fuck. We've been high for three years. We haven't done jack. Um, can we relocate, seeing as how we can't survive without the spores?"

The rest of the crew checks in, and they evacuate the colony. Back on the bridge, Kirk, Bones and Spock have a philosophical discussion about how humans have a hard time accepting "paradise", that they always lose interest in the concept eventually, and end up craving the struggle. Spock admits that for the first time in his life, he had been happy.

I'm shaking my head, Star Trek. Instead of celebrating the things that make Spock Spock, you tried to force him into a human mold... again. Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

Plot holes and loose ends:

A lack of animals is mentioned like 5 times, but none of the colonists talks about it, except when Sandoval says that they're all vegetarians. Is it important that there are no animals, or not? If they died from berthold rays in the first few weeks because the spores can't use them as hosts, then say so.

What happened to the two other groups? Did the E take those people away as well? Did they die because they didn't live near plants? Did they decide to stay?

Why does Starfleet keep sending the Enterprise to check on dead people? This is at least the second episode where they are sent to investigate a missing group of people long after it's suspected that those people are dead.

Lastly, Kirk asks at the beginning of the episode why people would try to colonize a planet that was known to be exposed to bethold rays, making the life expectancy of the colonists three weeks. Seriously, why would you waste resources on this expedition, knowing that it meant your time there would only be three weeks?

*******

I forgot to buy new tea this week, so I fished through the cupboard until I located something that I hadn't had before, and uncovered a box of Bigelow English Teatime. This tea annoyed me before I brewed a cup.

Me: "This doesn't say what kind of tea it is. It just says "English". No mention of flavor palette or leaf-base at all."

Roomie: "It's English flavor."

Me: "That's not a flavor. That's geography."

At best, if you were going to assign countries a flavor based on what they made best, the US would probably be cheeseburger... and England would be fish and chips. Nobody makes fish and chips like England. I mean, they can't, because that's really the only food that England does right. Fish and chips, and tea. Only not this tea. Which is American, anyway.

I flipped over the box, looking for a description that didn't begin and end with "English". Not only did it not exist, but there was a typo on the back of all of the bag wrappers. So far, they had no flavor description, and a lazy copy-editor.

I brewed a cup. Clearly, the leaf-base was black. That's about all I can say for flavor. It's a black tea, and it's not Earl Grey. Also, it does not taste like fish and chips. The end.

If you're looking for a basic black tea that doesn't taste like fish and chips, here is the link:

http://www.bigelowtea.com/Catalog/Product/36/1/21/English+Teatime.aspx

It's not terrible. In fact, I'll probably drink it again. And they were kind enough to make a decaf version as well. But seriously, Bigelow. Descriptions, okay? Thanks.

Season 1, Episode 24 "Space Seed"

"Space Seed"
Production Number: 24
Air Order: 22
Stardate: 3141.9
Original Air Date: February 16, 1967

 Ricardo Montalbon seems to be best known for two roles, this guy:

And this guy:

The first dude is a guy in an ice cream suit with a Mini Me named Tattoo, and when that show appeared on television during the day when I was a kid, I got bored and did something else because it fell into the category of No Thanks (Perry Mason, Andy Griffith Show, Love Boat, Fantasy Island) rather than Yes, Please (The Addams Family, The Munsters, I Love Lucy, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, Gilligan's Island, The Carol Burnett Show, Mama's Family). In truth, I'd like to believe that when I turned off the tv, it means that I went outside to play, but I gotta tell you, the odds aren't very good.

The second guy makes my skin crawl, and I've been dealing with him all day for the sake of this blog. You're freaking welcome.

*******

This week, we open not with a log entry, but a mystery - the Enterprise has come upon an old space vessel that Spock estimates is from the 1990's. Score! I love it when old sci-fi shows talk about the future as though it's the past. Yesterday, Classic Doctor Who informed me that in the year 2000 we all read a comic strip about a strong man named Karkus. And you won't believe what happened in 1984! Okay, Star Trek: tell me what happened during my teen years.

Kirk's Log 3141.9: The Enterprise has been floating alongside the vessel for an hour, checking it out, but they're being ignored by the occupants. Scans of the new ship are showing that some equipment is working.

Bones comes onto the bridge to report that there are 70-80 heart signs on board the ship, but no respiratory signs. Spock reveals that the ship is called the SS Botany Bay, but he can't find any records for it because record-keeping was spotty during WWIII. A world war? Awesome! I guess I missed it. Friends must have been really good that week.

Apparently, it was a eugenics war, where people attempt to build better people through selective breeding, like the America Human Kennel Club. Spock and Bones argue over which of them would be more likely to dabble in eugenics.

Kirk rolls his eyes. "God, just kiss already."

He forms an away team that includes the ship's historian because "it'll give her something to do."

Down in the transporter room, Bones makes his first on-camera complaint about hating the transporter process. He, Kirk and Scotty are joined by Lieutenant Marla McGivers, the red-headed ship's historian.

Her last name is pronounced like the guy from 80's tv who can make
gadgets out of paperclips and crap.

They beam aboard and find rows of sleeper compartments filled with people. While Scotty nearly wets himself over the old-school technology, McGivers explains that people were put to sleep for space travel back in the day because of how long it took to get to each planet. Sweet! Real science! She also says that they stopped doing this around 2018, when space travel became easier. Make a note, friends: Star Trek says that in 4 years' time, we can all go live happily on Mars with Captain Adelaide Brooke!

Wait...

Query: why is "historian" lumped in with security and communications?
Is red the catch-all color for anything that isn't command, science or medical?

Scotty flips on the lights, which triggers one compartment to start the wake-up process. McGivers says that the system was designed to waken the leader first. There's an electrical short, and dude starts dying, so Kirk breaks the compartment open to get him out.

Kirk's Log: The guy is transported to sick bay, where Bones is amazed by his regenerative abilities and perfect health. More away teams are sent over to examine the ship and take note of any problems.

Spock looks up historical info on the 1990's, and describes it as a "strange, violent period in... history." It certainly was. So many mosh pit injuries...

Kirk surmises that, Botany Bay being the name given to an Australian penal colony, Earth may have been dumping it's convicts in space. Spock says that theory is stupid, as humans were entering a Dark Age, and groups of people were being bombed out of existence; it would not be worth the trouble to ship convicts into space. Either way, they decide to tow the SS Botany Bay to the nearest starbase.

In sick bay, Kirk and Bones marvel at the perfection of the sleeping leader of the other ship. McGivers comes in to see how the patient is doing, and Kirk reads her the Riot Act for taking too much interest in the guy. She insists that it's professional interest only, and he tells her that it's good that it's professional rather than personal, because men were more adventuresome and bold in the past.

"Hi, kettle? It's Kirk. You're black."

When Kirk and McGivers leave, the stranger gets out of bed and acquires a medical knife. He grabs Bones by the throat and holds a knife to him. Because Bones is a bad-ass, the good doctor then tells his patient that the best way to kill him would be to cut his carotid artery, located beneath his left ear. The stranger kind of laughs and asks to speak to the captain.

Kirk comes down and tells this guy that he's been asleep for 200 years, that they are taking his ship to the nearest starbase, and that they will revive his people once there. The stranger admits that his name is Khan, but deflects more questions with the bullshitty "Oh, I'm really tired." Despite being threatened with a knife not ten minutes ago, Bones insists that Kirk let Khan rest. Before he goes, Khan says that he used to be an engineer, and asks if he can see the Enterprise's technical manuals. Because, you know, that's not suspicious AT ALL. Kirk stupidly gives him access to the whole library before leaving.

On the bridge, Spock tells Kirk that in 1993, a bunch of those selectively bred individuals attempted to take over 40 nations at once, and succeeded to some extent. But 100 of them went missing when they were finally rounded up. Kirk says that wasn't in the history books. That's because in the mid to late nineties, everyone was too fixed on the Monica Scandal to pay attention to missing power-hungry supermen. Duh, Kirk.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the subplot that is the reason why I hate this episode so much. So fucking, fucking much.

Marla McGivers goes down to sick bay to see Khan, who immediately hits on her. When she tries to ask him about his ship, he declares that her hair is unattractive, and leads her to a mirror, which has been conveniently placed on the sick bay wall because it was necessary to prove to the audience how creepy this guy is. He re-styles her hair, then tells her to remember to do it this way next time. She says she has to go, but he grabs her arm in a menacing way, to tell her that he's glad she stopped by, and hopes she will again.

Run, honey. Run.

Later, Khan goes to McGiver's quarters, asking her to escort him to the lavish ship-wide welcome dinner she's arranged for him. She's wearing her hair down.

"I approve," he says. "Next, we'll work on your sandwich-making skills."

McGivers is a painter. She's painted historical male figures, and Khan uncovers a work-in-progress of himself.

"Powerful men often take what they want," he says, kissing her.

Translation: "I'll be raping you soon. You'll probably enjoy it, but if you don't, I kind of don't care."

Oh, Marla. You are a history buff and an artist. I had such high hopes for you. But here you are, sucking the face of this douchebag, and perpetuating the stereotype that all girls want bad boys.

At the dinner party, Spock pointedly asks Khan why he and the others left, suggesting that they were after world domination. Khan says that they were "unifying" the people "like Caesar in Rome". Kirk diplomatically (and uncharacteristically) keeps his fool mouth shut. Khan then accuses Kirk of letting Spock attack him so that the captain may suss out Khan's weaknesses. When the questions get too heated, he claims fatigue again and leaves.

Khan is in his quarters when the door slides open, and guess who it is? It's McGivers, hell-bent on her downward spiral into an abusive relationship. She apologizes for her shipmates, and compares him to Leif Ericksson and Richard the Lionhearted. He tries to kiss her, but when she says "Please don't", he pushes her away and barks that she should go. If she's gong to stay, she must ask his permission first. She does, and he grants it, then he squeezes her hand so hard that she drops to her knees. He tells her that he intends to take over the Enterprise, and he needs her help. She begs him not to hurt anyone, and he throws her across the room. On the floor, she promises to help.

In the briefing room, Kirk, Spock, Scotty and Bones discuss what they have discovered about Khan Noonien Singh. Apparently, dude was the last of the Eugenic Tyrants to be overthrown, and ruled a quarter of the world. Scotty admits admiration for Khan, and Kirk and Bones agree, much to Spock's surprise. Kirk says that humans can both admire and be repulsed by someone at the same time. Spock says it's illogical, and while it kind of is, I feel like humanity gets points for being able to see both sides of the coin in that way. While admitting that he was a tyrant, they also point out that no wars occurred in Khan's area of the world while he was in power. It's like discussing the various civil projects that Hitler completed in Germany before his defeat. Pros and Khans. (Beeteedubs, kids - never join a discussion of Hitler's Good Qualities on the internet. You will lose hours off your life and the conversation will devolve into all parties "yelling" at one another in caps lock.)

Kirk goes to see Khan in his quarters. They've dumped Khan in a Red Shirt, which makes me snicker. Kirk again asks the reason why Khan and the others left Earth, and Khan replies that they wanted to start a new life... and also other reasons that Kirk wouldn't get because the humans in this time are all physically and mentally inferior to himself. Kirk leaves, and Khan musters his super-strength to pry open the door and knock his guard across the corridor. He then drops the transporter tech, and he and Marla revive and beam over the rest of the survivors from the Botany Bay.

Better stretch out. You'll need to be limber if you're taking over the ship.

On the bridge, Kirk discovers that all operating systems have been re-routed through engineering, that the lifts are dead, and that life support to the bridge has been cut off. I guess that there are no Jeffries Tubes on the bridge, or any emergency escape at all. You're kind of screwed if the lifts are out and the bridge catches fire or something.

Kirk's Log 3142.8: A breathless Kirk tries to make a log, describing the takeover of the ship. He takes full responsibility and recommends commendations to his bridge crew before passing out.

In the briefing room, Khan tries to get the newly-revived bridge crew to join him. When Uhura refuses to turn on the view screen for him, one of Khan's cronies drags her to a console and hits her. The look she gives him tells him that if he does so again, he'll be eating his meals through a tube.

He tries to hit her again, but McGivers yells "NO!" and turns on the viewscreen for her. Khan has put Kirk into a medical decompression chamber and is slowly killing him. If someone from the bridge crew agrees to fly the ship to a planet with a conquerable population, Khan will let Kirk go.

"Do I have to see this?" asks McGivers.

"No, but you're spineless for not wanting to watch your fellow crew members die," Khan replies.

The viewscreen goes blank again, and McGivers exits to fuck up some shit.

Down at the decompression chamber, McGivers hypos the guard and frees Kirk, begging him not to kill Khan. Another super-human is escorting Spock to the chamber, and together, Kirk and Spock take him down. They form a plan to gas every deck but engineering.

The briefing room fills with smoke (gas), and Scotty pauses in his escape to punch a guy before running out, but totally forgetting to collect the other guy's phaser.

Bad news, guys: Khan left the briefing room and went down to engineering to Disable the Ship. In this case, he set the engines to overload. Kirk comes in and some fighting ensues when Khan crushes his phaser with one hand. I'm gonna give some points to whoever choreographed this fight, because they certainly utilized the equipment in this room, hanging off of the chain-link fence that closes off the engines, and banking off the consoles. Kirk finally ends the fight by beating Khan with a piece of the ship. And you know the drill: he shuts off the overload Just in Time.

Captain Kirk with the Lead Pipe in Engineering. I win!

Kirk's Log 3143.3: "Got my ship back - yay me! But now I have to figure out what to do with the people from the Botany Bay, and also McGivers."

This is not hard, Kirk. McGivers should be court-martialed and she, her boyfriend, and his buddies should go to prison for hijacking your ship. But Kirk thinks it's a "waste" to put the superhuman mutant tyrants in prison. So he drops all of the fucking charges.

"Say what?" demands Bones, which is a valid complaint.

"We're near a planet where we could dump you, to start over. It'll be rough-going because you won't have access to anything, but you can rule the planet," offers Kirk.

"Cool," says Khan.

So I guess he'll rule the mob. With no other "inferior" species, it'll be interesting to see how that plays out. I imagine the phrase "Et tu, Brute?" being uttered often in that community.

Kirk tells McGivers that her choices are court-martial, or shacking up with an abusive ego-maniacal asshole.

Court martial, court martial, court martial...

"I'll shack up with the asshole," she replies, disappointing me for the last time.

"A superior woman," says Khan. "I'll take her." (No, seriously: that is quoted dialog. That asshole said that.) Shut up, Khan. A woman is not superior because she agreed to let you stick it to her.

The group files out of the court proceedings, and Scotty asks about the Milton allusion that Khan made.

"It is better to rule in hell than serve in heaven," Kirk quotes.

Spock says that it would be interesting to visit that planet in 100 years in the future "to see what had grown from the seed he just planted."

Oh, Kirk. You should have gone down to the planet's surface and dropped a giant rock slab on him. If you had, we wouldn't be stuck dealing with Khan's shit later in a two-hour film. You suck.

*******

"Hi, mom! So it looks like I won't be making it home for Christmas this year, or any year, really. I met this abusive psycho yesterday who is super-cute, and we're running off together to colonize this harsh planet in the middle of nowhere. He's kind of the leader of this group of superhumans, and they'll probably kill off quite a few of each other in the first year - fingers crossed that I don't get caught in the crossfire! (smiley face) Don't worry, I know that this one is serious about our relationship because he's already hit me a few times. Packing shouldn't take too long, as Khan doesn't really have anything after being frozen for 200 years, and he's telling me what I can and can't take, and then Captain Kirk will beam us and the others off. The captain was kind enough to offer me this, or court-martial, as I aided in the takeover of the ship. I think I got the better deal!

So long forever,

Marla"

I know this episode is supposed to be about superhumans, but I can't help but feel like this is an hour-long PSA about avoiding abusive relationships. He did nothing but give her red flags, and she just collected them all to hang in her quarters. Why does this woman have no friends to warn her? Am I really supposed to believe that out of the 400+ people on board the Enterprise, she didn't have one single friend to pull her aside and say "This guy is bad news, honey. Stay away from him"? No female friends? No sassy gay friend? Come on! Sulu is sitting right there at the helm!

I would almost - almost - declare this to be a worse lovestory than Twilight, but then I decided that they are too similar, and are closer to even-footing. In fact, they should double-date. Khan and Edward can talk about how strong and powerful they are. And Marla, whispering quietly so as not to disturb The Men, can talk to Bella about history and art. Of course, Bella will just have to listen, as she has never had a hobby or interest to talk about.

Gross. I think I need to shower with steel wool to scrub all of the Khan-cooties off of me.

*******

Despite the fact that I care for neither gingerbread or chai, there was a canister of Gingerbread Chai in the cupboard that I decided to try. I expected to be overwhelmed with the dual spice palettes, but it was lighter and more subtle than that. While I won't be chugging a gallon of it, a cup is nice every now and again.

http://www.zhenas.com/gingerbread-rooibos-chai-tea-loose-leaf.html