Season 3, Episode 68 "Wink of An Eye"

"Wink of An Eye"
Production Order: 68
Air Order: 66
Stardate: 5710.5
Original Air Date: November 29, 1968

Oh, Star Trek. Just when I'm pretty sure I want to unfriend you, you suck me right back in with a ridiculous plot and terrible costume choices. Let's be social media acquaintances with a three-like-per-month minimum.
Speaking of which, I made a Tumblr. It's stayinalivejim and you can follow it if you want. Or not. I'm not here to make your social media choices for you.

*******

See Chekov in his chair on the right? Walter Koenig didn't actually
shoot any scenes for this episode. Wherever he appears in  "The
Wink of an Eye," it's stock footage. Also, check out that fabulous
matte painting behind the Scalosians. I think it's a re-use from a starbase?

Scotty-as-captain Log: 5710.5: "We got a distress call from a city on the planet of Scalos. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and some random Reds beamed down to check it out. The thing is, there's no one actually in the city where they beamed down."

Kirk calls Uhura to ask if they beamed down to the correct coordinates, and she confirms that they did. He's baffled, as the city is deserted. Bones takes some scans and says that there are no animals or people. Kirk bats at a buzzing insect. Behind them, a Red takes a water sample. (Shouldn't a science officer be doing that? Oh, wait. He'll probably be dying later. Never mind. As you were, Reddy.)
Spock approaches to give his report.
"Wherever these people are, they're hella smart. They left behind all kinds of awesome cultural stuff. I can see traces of them living here recently, but there are also places that have been abandoned."

Check out this yummy three-tiered fountain with the bronze Scalosian
statue on top. Don't know where they got the money for this, but it
was worth it.

Behind Bones, the Red has finished his sample-taking, and proceeds to wash his hands in the fountain, then wipe his mouth. I facepalm. Okay, I don't science for real very often, but even I know that that was a dumb move. You don't wash your hands in a substance that you're sampling. Never send a Red to do a Blue's job, kids. It results in shoddy science like this.

Sure enough, there's that insect buzzing sound, and the Red vanishes. Bones kind of loses his shit like Reds don't just randomly disappear every day.

Dramatic music! Credits break!

This is an interesting special effect: they traced the dude's outline,
filled it with an abstract pattern, then vanished it.

Kirk strolls onto the bridge to relieve Scotty. Seems as though there have been some malfunctions happening all over the ship. Little ones that have been corrected quickly or have just corrected themselves. Kirk and Spock re-watch the distress call with Uhura. A blond Scalosian dude explains that their people have been disappearing, that they were once a population of nine hundred-thousand but they're now down to five, and that they've taken refuge in the city. Uhura says that the distress message was pre-recorded and is probably set to broadcast to passing ships. Sulu reports that his station has now ceased to function, and Kirk tells Scotty to get his ass in gear fixing things. Bones pages Kirk to sick bay because Kirk ordered him to have the away team checked out. Kirk tries to worm his way out of it, but Bones reminds him that it was his idea to check them over.

In sick bay, Christine's pre-requisite two lines are used to tell Kirk that someone got into the medicine cabinet and put stuff back in the wrong place. Bones begins his examination, and says that everyone else has checked out fine, and he still has no answers as to why Compton (the sample-taking Red) vanished. Kirk hears the insect buzzing noise and wonders if he is hallucinating. He then says that maybe something followed them onboard when they beamed up. 

Spock tries to call him on the PA in sick bay, but it's garbled. Uhura breaks in to say that the comm system is messed up. Kirk tells her to alert the crew to use hand-held comms and to arm themselves. He then asks Spock to repeat his message. Spock says that he has detected something alien in life support. Kirk agrees to meet him there.

Spock and two Reds catch Kirk coming out of sick bay, and Spock hands Kirk a phaser. Spock scans the area and says he is picking up traces of alien life, but he can't pinpoint where. The Reds run into a force field and get knocked back. They set the phasers for stun, and all four fire at it. It's supposedly gone, but those Reds get knocked back again, where Kirk and Spock seem to be allowed to move forward.

Could be wrong, but I think they filmed sparklers for this effect.
It's cool.

Kirk and Spock enter Environmental Engineering (they zoomed in on the name plate as the boys passed), and are shocked to see -- I dunno, what? I see one of those standard Star Trek cardboard box computer units, with some silver exhaust tubing and another little computer box on top. I'm briefly confused as to why we're getting dramatic music and surprise from the boys. I guess the little box and tubing are alien installations added to the life support machine. Spock says the installation seems incomplete. They attempt to touch the box and get electrical shocks. Then they try to shoot it with phasers, but their weapons vanish. They are physically pushed back against the wall by something invisible. They hear the insect buzzing again. Kirk yells at thin air.

"Who are you? Get off my ship!"

Now our boys do something stupid. You know the experiments that have been done where scientists attach some kind of electrodes to some small mammal, and then they offer that mammal something awesome like a treat, but then the scientists fry their nads every time that mammal reaches for the treat, and eventually their nads explode or something because they just keep going for the treat anyway? This is like that. Spock and Kirk reach for the alien attachment again, and are shocked again. I mean, come the fuck on. I expect this out of Kirk. Kirk is a dumb mammal. But Vulcans are supposed to be smarter than this. Go to your room, Spock. 

Back on the bridge, Spock talks to the computer. They now have Majel Barrett using a super-fakey "computer voice" instead of the smoother one she was using earlier when she would answer back as the computer. I don't like this new stilted voice. It's annoying. Anyway, the computer confirms that the E has been invaded, and that the invaders' ultimate goal is to control the Enterprise, but it doesn't seem to have enough information yet to form more conclusions about the situation.

It tells them that they are not in a position to resist the take-over at this stage, and recommends negotiation.
"Psshh, yeah right," says Kirk. "I don't negotiate."
"Well then, what the hell are we doing?" asks Spock.
"Dunno," he replies. "I'll pull something out of my ass that will totally work. Don't worry."
He grabs a cup of coffee from the tray of a passing yeoman then flops in his chair to form a plan. But he can hear the insect buzzing again, and the camera tilts at funny angles as the rest of the bridge crew slows way, way down around him, and finally stops.
And now there's a girl on the bridge.

Kirk walks up to her and starts to ask what the hell is going on, but she plants a giant smacker on him instead.

"The fuck?" he demands. "Who are you?"

"Deela, the enemy," she replies.

Oh, good. That clears things up. Always nice when your enemy identifies herself right off the bat.

Me, I'm an enemy of her outfit. Once again, we're treated to what can only be described as "female character on Star Trek." It's the traditional all-or-nothing combo, a bathing suit that's open on the right side, but turns into a full-bodied costume on the left. A sort of skirt-cape thing covers her bare ass in the back, and the whole thing is made from a fabric that appears to be illustrating cell mitosis. She's wearing a brooch at her collar that seems to be made from pony beads and oven-baked plastic. Hair is big and fake but okay. Make-up is long, dark lashes and mod nude lipstick: okay. But costume is standard TOS fair: weird as hell.

When we come back from commercial break, she admits that he was correct in guessing that he beamed her aboard when they returned to the ship. He asks her what she's done to his crew, and she replies that she hasn't done anything to them. They're moving at a normal rate of speed, and she has changed him to move at an accelerated speed. Now he sounds like an insect to them as well. She says that she is the queen of her people, who are on the ship making some changes, and that she is going to make Kirk her king. He asks what will happen to his ship.

"They'll notice that you're gone," she says. "Because now you move so quickly that they can't see you anymore. You can't ever go back to being with them, but they'll move on and so will you."

Kirk pulls his phaser on her, which is interesting, because it vanished in the life support room. She just laughs, but she can out-move the phaser's line of fire. When he tries to stun her, she steps out of the way.

Okay, Star Trek, you're doing iffy science again. Kirk and Deela and her underlings all move at the same accelerated pace, which is faster than "the wink of an eye." Phaser fire moves at the speed of light. Are you really trying to convince me that Deela and her cohorts move quicker than light? How the hell does that even work? But throughout this episode, Kirk will use equipment that works just fine for crew members, and it'll move at the same pace for him as well. Like the lift doors. They move at the same pace whether he or Spock is stepping from them. Also, seriously, he just shot a phaser on the bridge. You're telling me that no one is going to notice that?

Deela reveals that she also has a weapon like his, which moves at her pace (which is still the speed of light). She manages to shoot the phaser from his hand. Then she pretty much tells him to suck it up, because "they always react like this at first, and then they learn to like it." He pushes around her and gets on the lift. She pushes the brooch thing and tells someone that Kirk is on his way to see him. So the ugly brooch is a comm device.

We return to normal speed, and Uhura gasps that Kirk is gone. Sulu agrees with her story that Kirk was kicking it in his chair drinking his coffee when he disappeared. Spock decides that the coffee is the culprit.

Kirk goes back to the life support room and runs past those two security Reds who were barred from entering Environmental Engineering with himself and Spock. Why are they still there? Were they assigned to stand guard just outside the "force field"? Because they look like they did when Kirk and Spock first entered that room: surprised because they couldn't get around the "force field." 

Kirk encounters Compton, the Red who disappeared next to the fountain. Compton has been left to guard the door, I guess. He tells Kirk that he's not allowed in, that he fought the speeding up thing until he met this super-awesome girl, and now he's on their side. He has a Scalosian weapon. Kirk fakes him out by agreeing to back off, then he does this round-house kick thing and knocks Compton out.

Kirk runs into Environmental Engineering, and he's immediately dropped by a Scalosian weapon being fired by some guys in more ridiculous Star Trek couture. Compton recovers and stumbles in.

"WTH?" he demands. "That was my captain!"

He runs at the Scalosians, but then one steps forward and there's a brief tussle. Compton falls to the ground with a small-ish cut on his neck.

"Ooh, damn," says a Scalosian to the others. "Dead man walking." He turns to the girl and tells her that he'll buy her a new one later.

After Dorothy left Oz, the Tin Man joined a cabaret in an iffy
neighborhood in the Emerald City. It was the sort of place with
a $2 all-you-can-eat buffet and sketchy bathrooms.

Back on the bridge, Spock examines everyone's coffee. Scotty and Sulu are freaked out that they might disappear after having coffee too. Spock decides to take it to the lab, and leaves Scotty in charge. 

Down in EE, Kirk is sprawled on the floor, while Deela talks about how sad it is when "one is damaged." The guy with the short blond hair, Rael, is annoyed with her for forming an attachment to Kirk. She tells him not to be jealous, and that she'd like to keep Kirk for a long time.

Kirk wakes up and demands an explanation. He is invited to check out the mostly-operational add-on to the life support machine, but he is warned not to touch it. Guess what he does? I swear to Zod, this guy should be smacked with a rolled-up newspaper. He then grabs it and hangs on for dear life. Bad Kirk! No!

Deela pulls his hands off the machine and chides him like the child he is. He then spots Compton on the floor, very old and very dead.

"When you got into the fight in the corridor, you scratched him," lies Rael. "When people like you are sped up to the same level as people like us, you become susceptible to cell damage. Then you age rapidly and die."

Kirk storms out, and Deela gets all up in Rael's face for lying about who damaged Compton. She says that she likes Kirk and the human race. She touches her brooch, and somehow information comes to her that we can't hear, but now she says that he has gone to the med lab to try to talk to Spock. Maybe it's telepathy that she knows that. Maybe she planted something on Kirk that allows her to read his thoughts. Maybe other Scalosians overheard him in the corridor talking to himself about his plans, then contacted her, and it's broadcast into her ear or brain or something. Maybe it's just a quick, easy way for her to know where he's gone, and the writers can claim that it's the future, or she's an alien, as to why she magically had that information. Rael kisses her. She smiles and tells him not to be jelly before she saunters out.

Deela finds Kirk in the med lab. Spock, Bones and Christine are working there in their own time, which means that they are standing still here. Kirk makes a sort of captain's log in a recording device, telling his crew or whoever hears it that the Scalosians have taken over the ship and installed a machine that cannot be uninstalled. He thinks it is putting the ship into a deep freeze, but he doesn't know why. He also says that both he and Compton were taken, and that it seems like after being sped up, that newcomers become docile and go along with the Scalosians, but then he explains what happened to Compton. He recites all of this with Super-Deluxe Dramatic Pauses. Deela then explains that  these things are happening because the water on Scalos became polluted and sped everyone up there. It also made them sterile (towards each other, anyway) and killed the children, so now they trap passing ships, speed up a few of the crew members to their own speed, and take those people as breeding studs. They're deep-freezing the Enterprise so that they can "save them for later." Yaaaay, sex slaves.

He tries to convince her that, if they let the E go, then their scientists will figure out a way to fix the situation and move them back into regular time, but she says that they tried, and those people died. Don't worry, lady. This is the USS Mary Sue, and even though everyone else who has tried it previously has died, we'll do it with no problems.

Rael calls Deela on her Easy-Bake Oven brooch, and we hear him to tell her to go to the transporter room with Kirk so they can beam down. But Kirk has put the tape he recorded into the computer next to Spock, and slipped out. Even though she's supposedly queen, and he's just the chief science officer, he orders her to go after him. I'm pretty sure that Deela is not so much royalty as full of shit.

She finds him in the transporter room, where he just barely has the time to remove a part from the transporter before hopping up again. She tries to transport him to no avail, then she calls Rael to report a malfunction. He accuses Kirk of sabotage, but she insists that he didn't have time. 

In slow time, Spock and Bones hear the buzzing sound in the med lab. Spock says that he has been hearing it since they came back on board, that he knows what it is, and that he is now going to the bridge.

Deela and Kirk are now in his quarters. He's clearly decided that it would be best to just seduce her like always, so he's playing nice. At one point, he tries to kiss her, but she cottons on that he was going for her weapon.

"Oh, well," he fake-laments. "You caught me."

They make out some more. She notes that he ships Kirkerprise.

Spock returns to the bridge to re-watch the distress call. He speeds up the recording until there is no picture, and the sound becomes the insect buzzing noise. Then he compares it against footage from the away team, and the sound is heard there as well.

Again, Star Trek: who took this video? Did you set up a tripod to record your away mission? Was it that other Red that we've never heard or seen again?

Down in the lab, Bones has found the tape that Kirk made. He puts it in and gets that whine, then takes it to Spock. On the bridge, they watch what turns out to be a tape, which is actually just footage of Kirk talking to that recording device, and Deela supplementing information off-screen.

Star Trek: WHERE THE HELL IS THE CAMERA?

Spock asks Scotty to go down to the transporter room.

Scotty does, and he's shown as being frozen in the doorway. The Scalosians walk around him. Rael is angry because he's found where Kirk has removed a piece from the underside of the transporter. He tries to call Deela several times, but she is not answering.

Why is she not answering? Because she's brushing her hair while Kirk re-zips his boots. Now, there are a number of reasons why Kirk could be re-zipping his boots while sitting on the bed in his quarters while a girl brushes her hair. Maybe she wanted to try his boots on. Maybe she asked how high the quality was on Starfleet-issued socks. Maybe he had a space rock in his boots. Maybe... no, No, that's it. There is no other way for you to explain to your space-enthusiastic kid that Kirk did not take off his boots to have ball-slappy sex with Deela. 

Rael busts in (I guess Kirk forgot to hang a tie on the doorknob), and he tries to attack Kirk with what I can only guess is a bobbing pool thermometer. Kirk defends himself with a pillow, then a chair. Surprisingly, they cut to commercial then, in the middle of the fight, which I haven't seen on this show before. When we return, Rael appears ready to bash Kirk's face in with that thermometer, but Deela zaps him in the back with her weapon.

Subdued, he starts a lovers' spat, and she barks at him that she's allowed to like her selected sex slave if she wants to, despite how he feels. She tells him to get the hell back to work and fix the transporter. Once he leaves, Deela apologizes to Kirk for Rael's behavior, and he decides that it's best to play dumb and obedient.

"That's awesome that you're onboard with all of this, even if I did like you better when you hated it. Rael and I were in love before, and your real personality reminds me of him." A sex slave owner with a type. Okay.

She calls Rael on her Dollar Store comm to tell him that Kirk is totally down with being her consort. I'm sure Rael is thrilled.

We go back to the med lab, where the Blue Brigade has found out what to add to the Scalosian water to make it like Kirk's coffee. It's untested, but Spock takes a swig anyway. It elicits a raised eyebrow and the word "stimulating," and I can't help but wonder if these two things comprise his O face.

There's the buzzing sound, and he notes that Bones and Christine have frozen. He walks away. As soon as he is out of frame, the buzzing stops and Christine grabs Bones' arm. "He's gone!"

Down in the transporter room, Rael has finished the repairs and beams down the other Scalosians. Scotty is still standing in the open doorway. He lets Deela know that she can beam down at any point, and that he is going to EE to turn on the freezing device. She apologizes for being a giant bitch about her sex slave. He says it's kind of okay.

Kirk and Deela go down to the transporter room, but Kirk manages to snake her weapon away from her and escape. She warns Rael that he's loose and armed. That's actually a great description for Kirk - "loose and armed."

Anyway, Kirk encounters Spock in the corridor outside of EE, and gives him the briefest of smiles before they set to work defending themselves from Rael's gunfire. Rael takes a hit and collapses because apparently, he's a Stormtrooper. Another shot, and the freezing device melts. This shit is too easy, but I suppose they only have five minutes left to wrap this up, so we'll let it slide. Deela runs in and goes to Rael.

"You tricked me. You were clever," she tells Kirk.

I can't believe she fell for that crap.

"What are you going to do with us?" she asks.

"I could put you in suspended animation," he muses. Then he asks what she thinks he should do with them.

"You could leave us alone," she suggests. "But I think you'll tattle on us to Starfleet, who will quarantine the area so we can't trap passing ships anymore. So then we'll die, which will solve both of our problems."

Kirk considers this. "Yeah, I'm okay with that."

In the transporter room, Deela says she is concerned about them.

"Bitch, worry about your own damn business," says Spock.

She tries to convince Kirk to come with her, as he can't get back to his own speed. Kirk glances at Spock, who looks away. This is apparently code for "My giant brain has figured out in a few hours what their fairly advanced society has missed for years."

"No thanks," says Kirk. "You're cute and all, but I'm in love with my ship and I'm having a torrid emotional affair with my first officer."

Spock beams down Deela and Rael, then presents Kirk with a little vial of yellow liquid.

"We didn't have time to test this first, so I guess you're guinea-pigging."

Kirk throws it back, and starts to move more slowly as the buzzing noise comes up. He pops into reality just as Jimmy Doohan finally, finally walks through the door to the transporter room. (I didn't show it, but dude has been standing mid-step with his foot raised this whole time. That's dedication, yo.) Kirk and Scotty rush to the bridge.

Kirk's Log 5710.9: "We didn't discuss it at all, but Spock has stayed behind in accelerated speed to carry out repairs so we can get underway sooner."

The lights on the bridge flash, and everyone reports that things are being fixed very quickly. Spock pops back into existence and returns to his station.
The Scalosians are on the viewscreen, most likely live this time. They don't actually say anything, but they look super pissed off. Uhura apologizes and says she must have turned the recording back on, but Kirk says that it's not a recording.

He says "Goodbye, Deela," and the E leaves orbit, and Kirk is smiling because his science officer figured out how to get them back to normal speed, but he didn't bother to give it to the Scalosians because... I dunno, skewed Prime Directive?

Also, if it's not a recording, and just a live shot of Deela & Co, then does that mean that they have been "fixed"? How else can we see them unless they've slowed down or everyone else has sped up? Is that why they don't talk? So we're left wondering whether or not it's a recording or a live feed?

This episode has all kinds of problems. Supposedly, the Scalosians are so sped up that no one can see them, yet they are able to use machinery and other tech just fine. They should be living several days to one of the Enterprise's, yet this all seems to take place in one time frame. Scotty spends the last half of the episode trying to put his foot down in the transporter room, but in that same amount of time, Spock and Bones figure out what is going on and develop a drinkable cure. Even if he stopped to boink Deela and fight with Rael, they still should have left the ship long before our boys in blue figured out how to fix everything.

I also want to know why there are still five Scalosians. Do they have more someplace else on the planet that weren't showing up on scans? Because it sounds like they've been doing this siren distress call thing for a while, and they seem pretty practiced at it, which means they've done this before. Sooo, they're stealing random ships' crews, supposedly pairing them off for mating, and then what? Does it work? Presumably it does, or they wouldn't keep trying. Where are all of the half-alien kids? The other ships that were being held in stasis? It's an interesting idea, but the plot has more holes in it than your average block of Swiss cheese.

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 1
Red deaths this season: 4
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 0
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 0
Total crew deaths this season: 4
Total crew deaths thus far: 46

*******

I've been trying to drink more water lately, which is not my thing, because it doesn't taste like anything. Like I know it's good for me, and vital to my well-being and all that jazz, but it's bland. I like the flavored ones, but not the ones that are just watery juice. The actual water with flavors, like lime and grapefruit and crap. They're usually carbonated. I also really like black cherry so I decided to try this one. Why was the Arrowhead Black Cherry Sparkling Water on sale? Because it tastes like cough syrup. It's not thick like cough syrup, but it tastes just like red Nyquil. "Hey, friends! Do you want the nasty taste of cough medicine without the benefits of it soothing your throat and stopping your cough? Drink this!"

No. No thank you.

Dear Tanner,

You started out in an abusive home, and when your first mom moved out, she took you with her, and found you a good foster home with two moms who loved you very much. Though that first mom didn't return, she had left you in good hands. You were kind to people and other dogs, enjoyed the outdoors and water play, and were kind enough to stop barking when told to shut your yap. You put up, and made friends, with the other dog in the family, who is an asshole. You were unfazed by two cats, and when your moms opened a cat rescue, you remained unfazed by twenty cats. When you got sick, your moms were determined to make your last weeks good ones. You'll be missed by your human friends, your cat friends, and that other asshole dog.

Good boy, Tanner. Good boy.

Season 2, Episode 41 "I, Mudd"

"I, Mudd"
Production Number: 41
Air Order: 37
Stardate: 4513.3
Original Air Date: November 3, 1967

Spock and Bones are in the corridor pre-credits, and pass a Blue Shirt, who greets them cordially before moving on.

"That dude is weird," says Bones. "I know he's new, but he never smiles, or talks about himself - only about work."

Spock walks away, all butthurt.

Bones runs after him like a husband who has admitted that his wife does indeed look fat in those jeans, and he needs to now fix it if he doesn't want to sleep on the couch.

"C'mon, baby. You know I didn't mean it like that." Then he adds, "Your ears are super-sexy today."

"Blow me," says Spock. But it's an insult rather than an invitation.

"That weird guy missed two physical exam appointments," muses Bones.

"He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles," Spock deadpans before walking away.

The aforementioned Blue Shirt (Norman) enters Auxiliary Control and takes out a Gold Shirt. Then he alters the course of the ship.

On the bridge, Sulu alerts Kirk to the fact that they are changing course. The controls are jammed. Kirk sends a trio of Reds to Aux Control, who find the Gold and put out an alert for an intruder.

Norman then goes down to engineering, quickly Chuck Norrises all of the Reds working there, and gives the E some gas.

"Going pretty fast," reports Sulu. "Can't do a thing to change it, either."

Hey, look. It's Friday again.

"This is BS," says Kirk.

He starts to run off to catch the intruder himself, but the lift opens, and Norman steps out.

"We need your ship," he tells Kirk. "We don't mean you any harm, but we totally put a bomb in the system, and if you try to alter course or slow down or drop below 55 mph, everyone will die."

It's the real deal, too. No freaking corbomite this time.

"Who's this we?" asks Kirk.

And Norman opens a panel in his abdomen, revealing a bunch of circuitry. 

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Kirk's Log 2513.3 "That new crewmember Norman is an android. He hijacked the ship, and we've spent the last four days en route to the planet that we are currently orbiting."

 When they reach their destination, Norman comes out of hibernation and his screen saver turns off. He then specifies an away team: Kirk, Spock, Bones, Chekov and Uhura.

They beam down with Norman, and are immediately shown into a throne room. Hey, look who it is! Pirate-carny!

"WTF, Harry Mudd?" demands Kirk.

"Dude, I'm king of the androids! Cool, huh? I have 500 Alices!"

Ooh, let's talk about Alice(s). They're wearing shimmery peach fabric with foil flowers. It's draped so that it's one-shouldered, with one long sleeve. Then we get short-shorts, with a sort of pant-skirt on one side. The whole thing is literally tied together with silver rope that starts in her hair, crisscrosses the chest, circles the waist, causing a tripping hazard by winding behind the knee, and ties around the left wrist.  It's accessorized with iridescent tights and fucking Lucite kitten heels. What the hell is up with you and those Lucite kitten heels, Star Trek? Does your costuming department only own one pair of shoes? Those are the epitome of vomitous. Also, ditch those short-shorts. Make the bottom half a long skirt with a slit up the side. No more sparkly tights, rope belt only, and please lose those foil flowers.

I wondered: multiples, or split-screens? Both. One set of twins, with Twin #1
playing Alices 1-250, and Twin #2 playing 251-500. And you can totally
see the split-screen here.

So Mudd tells Kirk that he got caught selling alien tech to other cultures, and was jailed and awaiting the death penalty when he escaped in a stolen spaceship. The ship was damaged in the getaway, and he limped through space until he landed on this android planet.

"Here's the thing," he says. "They won't let me leave, and I'm fucking bored. So I got them to bring your ship here. You guys will stay behind so the androids will have humans to study, and I'll take your ship and fly away."

Good plan, dude. I bet you can fit hundreds of space hookers in the E with you. And more if they're dead!

Just to underscore how certifiable Mudd is, he shows them the android copy he had made of his naggy wife Stella, a woman he thoroughly hates. Because she's a machine, he can just tell her to STFU, and she has to obey.

And yes, that is one of the actresses that played Aunt Hagatha
on Bewitched.

Norman and two Alices escort the away team to some quarters, and Kirk asks about Norman's creators. Norman says that they all died out eventually, but that he is one of the original androids from that time period. They're kind of grateful to Mudd because his stupid commands give them purpose, which they need. The Alices tell the humans all about the wonderful facilities they have, and then Kirk gleefully tells the to take a hike.
Left alone, Kirk turns to his team for ideas. Spock suggests that there is one central intelligence ruling over the androids, so it must be located somewhere. Everyone splits up to look for a way to get off the planet.

Spock heads for what seems to be the control room. Norman, now wearing the typical male android outfit, sports the number One, and gropes some kind of glowing crystal. He confirms to Spock that the crystal is the central control system, and that there are more than 200,000 androids on the planet, but when Spock asks if the crystal controls the androids, he gives the old "I am not programmed to respond in this area" that they all give when asked something they shouldn't answer.

Mudd and a pair of Alices show Kirk and Uhura another android series, and once again, they're chicks in slinky, sparkly dresses. Mudd declares that he designed several series of female androids. When Kirk asks him about designing males, Mudd fumbles around the fact that he really can't fap to male androids as easily. Alice 263 tells them that human brains are placed in android bodies, which then function for 500,000 years. Uhura seems thoughtful, which appears to worry Kirk, but the skeevy Mudd silkily tells her that she could remain young and beautiful forever.

Kirk and Spock are conspiring quietly in their quarters when Bones and Mudd stumble in. Bones is excited because their science labs are awesome. Kirk starts to tell Bones not to get comfortable when another Alice pitches Scotty into the room. Scotty says that an Alice forced him into a transporter beam, and then Mudd admits that he's been quietly replacing the crew with androids, beaming the Starfleeters down onto the surface. (Okay: wait. How were they beaming up in the first place? "Hey, Enterprise. This is an android. Beam me up. Your captain said it was cool.") Kirk goes Homer Simpson on Mudd.

Mudd points out that he'll totally get away with stealing the E, because he has an army of loyal androids, and the E can outrun everyone, even other Starfleet ships.
Kirk finally says, "You're an asshole," and lets Mudd go. Mudd and that last Alice slink out.
"This sucks," Kirk tells the others. "The entire crew is down here, and this place is awesome. The androids here are programmed to give the humans anything they want, in whatever amount. All they have to do is ask."
So of course there's a cut-away to Chekov on the throne. He chats up a pair of Alices, who give him the old "fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques" speech. He realizes that that perv Mudd programmed them, and decides that life would be grand as the cream filling in a Chekov-android Oreo.

Kirk returns to their quarters to find that his bridge crew is thinking that staying on the surface is a great idea. He's angry that Mudd has been pimping out the planet to make it more appealing to the crewmembers. Chekov has clearly gotten a healthy serving of cookie. An Alice comes in to ask if they want anything.

"I want my ship," says Kirk.

"A ship is not a want, a ship is a machine," she replies.

Kirk roars at her that the E is not a machine, but a beautiful lady. Welcome back, Kirkerprise. It's been a while since Kirk shipped himself with the ship.

"I'm unhappy," he tells this Alice.

She is confused, and asks for the meaning of the word unhappy. When he gives it, the number medallion that she's wearing flashes and beeps, which indicates confusion. She asks for help from Norman, and after a while, she replies that the androids need to study the word "unhappy", before exiting.

Kirk and Spock go into the throne room with Mudd. Mudd asks Alice One to put his bags on the the E, and the androids all steadfastly refuse. It seems that in studying humans, the androids determined that they were destructive and needed to be stopped. The new plan is for the androids to take the ship, abandon the humans on the planet, and go out into the universe, finding humans to control. How will they control the human tendency to destroy? By offering themselves up as servants. Subversive, behind-the-scenes control, and the humans won't suspect because they love being waited on.

That's actually a really great plot twist. Kudos, Star Trek.

In their quarters, the group hatches a plan. Spock believes that Norman controls the hive mind of the androids, seeing as how there are lots of other series of androids, but only one of him. The flashing of the medallions is the hive mind thinking. Kirk thinks that the androids will expect an escape plan from them. Bones hypos Mudd, and Kirk summons Alice One to tell her that Mudd is dying and needs to be treated in sick bay. Uhura interrupts.

"He's lying. It's a ruse to escape," she tells Alice One.

"Uhura, WTF?" demands Kirk.

"I want an android body," she tells him. "I want to live forever."

"Ooh," says Alice One. "You guys are so denied access to the Enterprise. Mudd's sorry ass can die. The pretty chick helped us. We're gonna make her a kick-ass body before we leave."

Alice One sashays away, and Kirk turns turns angrily to Uhura. Then he grins. It was a ruse, yo. A ruse within a ruse. Ruse-ception. (Yeah, okay. Sorry for that. Couldn't resist.)

Kirk goes into the throne room and takes a seat. A pair of Alices ask if he requires something. The door opens, and Scotty and Bones come in, playing imaginary musical instruments. Then Uhura and Chekov dance in.

"They are celebrating their captivity," Kirk tells the androids. "Isn't the music great?"

The Alices are confused. When Chekov and Uhura finish dancing, she backhands him "because she likes him." Kirk orders Chekov to get up and stand perfectly still. So Chekov gets up and begins dancing again. The lights on the medallions flash, and the Alices freeze. Bones scans them and says that they're totally preoccupied.

Spock is down in the lab with two other Alices. He attempts to pinch one, but it doesn't work, so he tries another tactic.

"I love you," he tells one. He turns to the other. "But I hate you."

"But we're the same," protests the hated android.

"Yeah, I hate you because you're the same as her," Spock replies.

These Alices also freeze, and Spock walks away.

The scene that follows is awesome. The away team (plus Scotty and Mudd) goes into the control room to talk to Norman and a pair of Alices. Only they don't talk. They launch into a series of theatrical skits that make zero sense, but basically get the point across that humans are unhappy simply being served. At one point, they all aim finger guns at Scotty and whistle as he falls. Bones pronounces him dead.

This whole scene reads like terrible, hilarious improv. The medallions on the confused androids light up, and Spock tells Norman that logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell bad. There's a bit with an invisible bomb that Mudd pretends to tee off like a golf ball, and the Alices finally freeze up because of all of the WTF? in the room. Kirk marches up to Norman and announces that Mudd always lies.
"I'm lying now," says Mudd cheerfully.
Norman attempts to determine if Mudd is lying about lying, and appeals to Kirk concerning the logic of the problem.
"I'm not programmed to respond in this area," says Kirk sarcastically as smoke pours from Norman's ears. The android turns off.

Everyone is once again in the throne room, androids and all. Kirk tells Mudd that the Enterprise is leaving without him, that he's been sentenced to probation on this planet, and that the androids have been reprogrammed to not treat him like a god. In fact, they've been taught to hold him as the worst of humanity, and to learn from him in that way.
"Well... that was kind of a dick move, Kirk, but I am still surrounded by gorgeous, partially-dressed female androids, so I guess it's not so bad," admits Mudd.
"Cool," says Kirk. "I got you an assistant to keep you on track."
Of course it's Stella. Mudd protests loudly over her yelling, but his voice is drowned out by the second and third Stellas, who surround him. The medallion on the third reads "500". The away team exits to the sound of Mudd protesting.

I was totally looking forward to this episode for the prime reason that it's funny. When Star Trek goes out of it's way to be funny, it really does a good job, whether it be awkward funny, sarcastic funny, or just silly in general. I also really liked the plot twist used here, which seemed more original than others I've encountered, and the fact that they used the same old tired "give the sentient machine an existential crisis" in a new way. Rather than tell the androids that they aren't behaving logically, the humans convince them that the humans are in fact behaving logically, and that the androids themselves were not making the connection. A new twist on an old Star Trek theme is definitely welcome.



Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 12
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 19
Total crew deaths thus far: 35

Random IMDB story: Gene Rod was having trouble locating identical twins to play the parts of Alice. Nearing his deadline one night, he spotted Alyce and Rhae Andrece walking along the sidewalk. He pulled over and said something to the effect of "Guess what? You're gonna be on tv." Fortunate that Gene Rod wasn't a total creep.

*******

Roomie brought home a case of Canada Dry Sparkling Green Tea Ginger Ale this week. I had to try it, of course. Those are two of my favorite things. But like any time items are mixed like that, I was cautious. It could either be awesome or awful. Turns out it's more in the middle. I was concerned that the green tea or the ginger ale was going to be overpowered by the other taste, but neither was. I feel like you taste a bit of the green tea first, and it finishes with the ginger ale. Not overpowering on either end, and actually kind of a nice complement. As always, though, it's canned, which means it tastes like tea flavor rather than tea.

Seems like it's available in some places more readily than others, and according to some places on the interwebs, it might be discontinued soon? Oops.

Season 2, Episode 30 "Catspaw"

"Catspaw"
Production Number: 30
Air Order: 36
Stardate: 3018.2
Original Air Date: October 27, 1967

So, you remember how the last episode of season one ("Operation -- Annihilate!") was actually pretty good, and there was not that much to mock, and so the review was not terribly funny, and I almost outright apologized for the fact that it was a well-done episode?
Yeah, fuck that.
This week's episode sucks.
While I can't tell you that whatever drug the writers were taking while writing this were either good or bad, I can assure you that they were effective.

It might be worse than "Shore Leave". I'll keep you posted.

*******

We open on a frustrated Kirk, who is trying to locate his missing landing party. Uhura finally hears back from a crewman Jackson, who says he is ready to beam up. Kirk is pissed off because neither Sulu nor Scotty has checked in, but he and Bones go to the transporter room to meet Jackson.

Jackson falls face-first off the transporter pad. He's dead, Jim. Alright, startin' a new season with a crew death! Let's get this party started!

A voice booms out of Jackson's open mouth, addressing Kirk and telling him that his ship is cursed so they better GTFO. You can see Jackson breathing as they zoom in on him. Heh.

This season we get a slightly altered opening sequence with a faster flight shot of the E, and music that is more... Tropicana-y? I dunno how to describe it except by saying that it sounds like it was played by Ricky Ricardo's band. At any rate, I think they switched it up so they could add DeForest Kelley to the credits.

Movin' on up, De

Kirk's Log 3018.2: "Jackson is dead without a reason, and Sulu and Scotty are missing. I'm going down to the surface to get lost myself, and I'm leaving assistant engineer DeSalle in charge, even though we haven't seen him in forever, and even though I'm pretty sure Lt Uhura ranks next in line. In truth, I'm really not certain how the chain of command works on my ship."

So the OT3 beams down, and it's discovered that there's a discrepancy between what is there, and what is being picked up by the scanners. A wailing rises up from nearby, and the landing party find themselves being addressed by three floating heads of old women, who warn them in rhyming couplet that they should leave. It prompts my favorite line of the episode:

Kirk: Spock? Comment.

Spock: Very bad poetry, Captain.

"Those weren't real," says Spock. "But I'm getting life-form readings in that direction."

They move off in "that direction" but are blown off course by a gust of wind, and we get a good look at Kirk's sex hair.

A castle appears. Dramatic music! They stand around outside debating why their scanners didn't pick it up and why the tricorder is registering two life-forms, but the ship doesn't register any, blah, blah, blah. Kirk tries to contact the E, but no luck. 

So... ghost heads, a mysterious castle, some thick-ass fog, and lost communication. Dammit, did I accidentally switch over to Scooby Doo?

They finally go inside and are hissed at by a bad-ass black cat wearing a glass pendant. Kirk says that if he didn't know any better, he'd say that someone was "playing a trick-or-treat" on them, which is a weird way to phrase that. Spock asks what "trick-or-treat" means, and Kirk, sizing him up, replies that Spock would be a natural at it. Was that racist? It feels racist.

Upstairs, Chekov reports that the OT3 is no longer registering on the ship's equipment. DeSalle, who recognizes that he hasn't been seen in 20 episodes, and that how he plays his temporary captaincy role could earn him more screen-time, is a dick to Chekov. He condescendingly asks the newcomer if he needs help calibrating his equipment, to which Chekov indignantly replies, "No, sir. I'm not that green." You tell 'em, Chekov. You may not have any stripes on your cuffs, but you're awesome. You and that uber-Beatles haircut.

Nope, not a tribble. Dude was growing his hair out so they stuck a wig on him.

Downstairs, our boys follow the kitty in the necklace down a corridor filled with dust and cobwebs before falling through a trapdoor and getting knocked out. Oh, no! How will Scooby and Shaggy ever find them now?

When they come to, they are manacled to the wall in a dungeon. Kirk asks if his boyfriends are okay, and there's s sight gag where the camera angle shows McCoy looking at a skeleton. Kirk's line is "Bones? Doc?" Heh.

They start another convo about how this stuff might have gotten on an uninhabited planet, when the door opens. It's Scotty and Sulu! Hooray! No, wait! Dramatic music! Scotty has his phaser aimed at them!

They give no reply when spoken to, beyond Sulu nodding when Kirk asks if Sulu knows who he is. Bones thinks they've been drugged. Sulu unlocks the manacles,and everyone turns to leave. The OT3 attempts to jump Sulu and Scotty, but suddenly the scenery changes, and a guy yells "stop!"

They're all in a throne room with a bald guy in shiny robes.

The bald guy is Korob, and he assures the OT3 that their shipmates are simply under his control. He talks to the black cat, and Spock makes a remark about wizards and familiars. Korob says that Spock seems different, that he doesn't buy the illusion.

"He doesn't know about trick-or-treat," smirks Bones.

"I don't understand that reference, so it is not important," shrugs Korob.

That's... a rather unintelligent notion. People have probably died from such assumptions.

He waves what is either a wand with a crystal on the end, or a very short pimp cane, and a banquet appears on a table. When they are unimpressed, he tries to bribe them with jewels. Again, they tell him to fuck himself.

"You passed our tests," he says, which sounds like BS that he made up on the spot to cover the fact that he can't get a handle on them. He tells them that they are loyal and brave for coming to the scary castle for their friends, and that they have integrity for not accepting bribes.

The cat leaves, and a woman comes in. Ugly outfit, ugly wig, wearing the same necklace as the cat. Korob introduces her as Sylvia. Blech, just go back to the cat form.

Pretty sure that's the lace bodystocking worn by "Ruth" in Shore Leave.
It's not cute here, either.

She and Korob admit that they are not natives to this planet, and that they are controlling Sulu and Scotty with what Sylvia calls "sympathetic magic". She says she made an image of Jackson, and when she thought of him as dead, he was. Sylvia gives Kirk his comm and pulls out what is clearly an Enterprise Christmas ornament on a chain.

And every Trek fan screams "OMG, WANT!!!!!"

He calls the bridge while she holds the ornament over a lit candle. DeSalle reports that they are being cooked alive. Once Kirk gets Sylvia to move the ornament, his comm stops working. Korob asks about human technology. Kirk counters by asking about their technology or magic or whatever. Sylvia verbally bitch-slaps Korob about how much they should tell the humans, and his response is to make a face into the camera. It's freaking weird. He's not breaking the fourth wall per se, but it's almost as if, post-shoot, they decided they wanted shots of his response, but none of the other actors was on-set anymore. It's also hella Scooby Doo.

He's now in the position of facing the throne instead of standing next
to the table.

Korob prevents the E from sending down a search party by encasing the ornament in crystal. Up top, Chekov reports to Acting Asshole DeSalle that they have been surrounded by a forcefield.

Sylvia, who comes off as more of a tired soccer mom than a scary witch, orders the boys back to the dungeon before deciding to keep Bones behind.

In the dungeon, Kirk and Spock have a long-winded conversation wherein they guess that Sylvia and Korob attempted to create an environment from the consciousness of the humans, but didn't do a good job, as they conjured fog, castles, dungeons, black cats, and sorcerers, thinking that this was a normal human situation. Were all of the humans thinking about Halloween and B-movies at the exact same time as their minds were being probed? I must apologize here. If I had better Photoshop skills, I would have 'shopped a jowly Great Dane into every one of these screen-captures.

Bones comes in with Scotty and Sulu, and because we've forgotten about the plot from "Return of the Archons", we're all shocked to see that Bones has become One of Them. They take Kirk away.

Poor Sulu. His whole part in this episode consists of silently unlocking
manacles. And least Georgie and Jimmy were paid for this crap.

Sylvia and Korob are bickering like an old married couple. Or like Spock and Bones. Whatever. Same thing. Apparently, in their real forms, they don't feel physical sensations, and Sylvia has become kind of a glutton about it. Korob tells her that she's forgotten why they are there, and about their instructions from the Old Ones. Spoiler alert: we will never find out why they are here, and we will never hear more about the Old Ones. Sylvia calls Korob a fool, and says that he's a puppet. Spoiler alert: yes. Yes, he is.

Again, his responses are recorded looking straight into the camera. And it's pretty much the same shot as before. WTH?

When Kirk arrives, Sylvia boots everyone else, though Korob watches her and Kirk through patterned holes in the wall like a guy in a Rococo painting. Sylvia wants to ride Kirk's D-Train. She thinks he's a real E-ticket. Shut up, that was kind of funny. Kirk gropes her and tells her that she's sexy (no). Then she "changes form", even though it's just her in different outfits. There's this:

What?

and this:

Oh my fuck, no.

and he tells her that each of those forms gets him hot. They make out while Kirk asks about their tech. She admits that a transmuter gives them form. Suddenly, she realizes that he's been pumping her for info, and she screams at him. He points out that she was doing the same. Sylvia has him hauled away. Silly Sylvia. Did you really think that Kirk was going to pick you over the Lady E? 

Upstairs, the bridge crew has been slowly melting a dent in the forcefield, and DeSalle is actually polite to Chekov.

Korob returns to the dungeon to free Kirk and Spock, giving them their stuff back and telling them to leave. He's taken the forcefield down, and he says that the stress of being in human form has taken it's toll on Sylvia, who is losing her mind. They make their way through the castle, and shots of the cat in a model of the corridors are supposed to read as Giant Pissed-Off Sylvia Cat. Kirk, Spock, and Korob end up in the room beneath the hole in the floor, and Korob closes the door. Kirk and Spock try to climb up through the hole, and Sylvia Cat knocks the door in on top of Korob. Then we get this:

This shit is terrible. Points for trying, I guess?

Kirk takes the transmuter and he and Spock climb up through the hole. There's a fight scene between them and the Mind Control Gang which may have been added because they still needed to fulfill their weekly fight quota. When everyone is subdued, Kirk tells a giant cat shadow that he has the transmuter. Sylvia the woman appears and tries to seduce him. When he doesn't go for it, she grabs her necklace, and they are transported to the throne room. She makes another bid to get him on her side. Sylvia really wants to go where many a girl has gone before. He tells her to go fuck herself (which actually would have solved a lot of her problems), then smashes the crystal on the end of the Pimp Cane wand.

The scene melts and Kirk finds himself outside on a rocky outcropping. The others come running and they all stare at the ground. Kirk had pulled the masks off of Sylvia and Korob and discovered this:

"I've got no strings -"
Wait...

They created everything with a transmuter, coming to this planet to do Zod knows what, and they would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling Starfleet officers. And then the tiny puppets die.
So this was it, kids. This is what happens when Star Trek makes a Halloween episode. I hope that sometime mid-December, we get one where Kirk teaches Khan the true meaning of Christmas.

They didn't even leave me anything to think about later, the assholes.

*

Gonna go ahead and give points to this episode for again attempting to create aliens that were not humanoid. They weren't especially well-done (they seemed to be going for Ray Harryhausen but fell short) but it was something. Also, the title: "Catspaw" makes a nod to the cat in the episode, but the term mostly refers to a person who is used as a tool (Sylvia and Korob use Sulu, Scotty, and Bones as tools; Sylvia attempts to use Kirk, he attempts to use her). It can also refer to the Cat's Paw Nebula, which is part of the Scorpius constellation.

Attempted cleverness: they switch back and forth between long-haired cats and short-haired cats. The fandom cried "inconsistency!", but the producers insist that they were trying to show Sylvia's shape-shifting capabilities. Points for that, but it was way too subtle to read that way. This may be the only thing I've encountered where crappiness was not made up for by the inclusion of a black cat (the coolest kind of cat there is).

Bonus trivia: I learned through IMDB that Jimmy Doohan lost one of his middle fingers during WWII. It's usually not visible because of clever blocking and camera angles, but in this episode, there are places where it is more obvious.

I'm staring this new thing: death counters. I got the idea from the King of Counters, Andrew from Frasier Denied . I had been thinking of adding in death counters for a while, but it reached a critical point last week when I realized that I wanted a tally for Red deaths in season one and had no way of getting it besides slogging through seven months' worth of back-posts.
Without further ado:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 0
Gold deaths this episode: 1
Gold deaths this season: 1
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 0
Total crew deaths this episode: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths thus far: 17

I'm suddenly glad that I don't write a Game of Thrones review blog.

*******

I fell off my "no soda" wagon a bit this week and paid for it by being awake too late for far too many nights. It was mostly for that reason that I grabbed a box of Sleepytime Peach by Celestial Seasonings. It's caffeine -free, and boasts chamomille, spearmint, lemongrass and "more". I'm not sure what the "more" bit is, but I kind of taste banana. Sounds kind of weird, but it's not. Maybe it's just my imagination. It's good, though. Fruity. And sweet. I feel like it's naturally sweet enough that I could back off my regular dosage of Probably Too Much.

http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/sleepytime-teas/sleepytime-peach

So far, I don't think I feel sleepy, but I do feel relaxed. Good job, tea.