Season 3, Episode 79, "Turnabout Intruder"

"Turnabout Intruder"
Production Order: 79
Air Order: 79
Stardate: 5928.5
Original Air Date: June 3, 1969

Conversation that I keep having:
Me: "I'd like to get a job that involves maybe content writing and proof-reading. I have all those skills already, and I know that I'm pretty good at it, but the places where I've applied all turn me down because I don't have professional experience."
Other Person Who Is Trying To Be Helpful: "You should list your blog!"
Me: "No, that's really not a good idea."
Other Person: "Why not? You've been doing a weekly blog for nearly two years now. You have a small but relatively stable readership. It should count. You should add it to your resume."
Me: "No, it's really unprofessional."
OP: "I don't see why you won't. It proves that you have experience."
Me: "Because it's not good experience? I write that blog anonymously because I don't want it tied to me on a professional level. I can't put it on a resume. It's not appropriate."
OP: "I still don't see why you won't do it!"
Me: (tired of dancing around the main issue) "Maybe because of the frequent F-bombs and insinuations that Kirk has a physical relationship with the Enterprise?"
OP: "........"
OP: "........"
OP: "...yeah, maybe don't list that blog."
Me: "...yeah. I won't."

*******

Kirk's Log 5928.5: "Got a distress call from Camus II, where scientists are exploring a dead civilization. Among the survivors are the doctor, Coleman, and the expedition leader, Dr Janice Lester. Heads up, I banged this chick a while back. May get awkward."

According to the stardate, this episode takes place before the previous episode. Way to pay attention, people.

Our intrepid trio beams down to the surface of Camus II to be greeted by Coleman, who is watching over Lester, who is asleep in the bed. Bones asks Coleman what is wrong with Lester, and Coleman replies that it's some kind radiation poisoning, but he doesn't know what kind. Spock says there are other survivors nearby. They make like they're all going to go check it out, but Lester wakes up and makes this urgent moaning noise like she doesn't want Kirk leaving. She grabs his arm, too. Since she's supposed to be keeping quiet, he elects to stay behind while the others go check out the rest of the expedition.

"I wish you weren't here," says Lester. "I loved you for that year we were together at Starfleet, but you went away. I wanted to be a captain, but girls can't be captains."
"And you were a bitch to me because of it," says Kirk.
Now wait - hold the motherfucking comm badge. What's this "girls can't be captains" bullshit? Is Starfleet some kind of old boys club? Does having a vag mean you lack leadership skills? Does Number One's position as second in command mean that that's as far as she'd be able to proceed? Did she not get the Enterprise when Captain Pike was removed from command? What kind of crap was that? Once again, Star Trek is advocating for women in science, then telling them that they'd only get so far. Mixed messages, Star Trek. Fortunately, Good Guy Gene Rod agreed. He later regretted including that line because he thought it was sexist. Because it is. This was later rectified in the fourth movie, where a female captain is shown. That movie takes places approximately seventeen years after this episode, so even if girls couldn't be captain earlier in Starfleet, they certainly could by 2286.

Anyway, Kirk and Lester seem to have had a tumultuous love affair. She had wanted to be together with him, even though they were kind of crappy together.
Kirk gets up and walks around the room, checking out the ruins and stuff. When he moves close to a wall covered in carvings, Lester sits up and presses a button on a remote. The wall becomes a Lite Brite, and Kirk is stuck to it. Then Lester, who is clearly not sick, gets up and goes to the next section of wall, flipping some switches and standing in place. Then a special effect occurs which tells us that Kirk and Lester are switching bodies.

Wowie-zowie! What sorts of Freaky Friday hijinks will we get up to this week?

Kirk-Lester wakes up against the wall, and switches off the machine. For whatever reason, Lester-Kirk is out cold. "He" picks "her" up, and carries "her" to the bed, where he drops her and begins monologing about how now she's in charge, and how weak Kirk is, yada, yada. This body/gender swapping thing is going to be a bitch to write about. Okay, if I say "Kirk" I mean Kirk's body with Janice Lester's soul or whatever, and when I say "Lester" that means Lester's body, which is now housing Kirk.

So Kirk is pretty pleased with herself, because she figured out a way to get around the "girls can't be captain" bullshit, even though the better and more effective way to do that would be to take charge of a ship while the captain was out of commission, and actually prove that women are capable of leadership skills just as well as any male. But naw, it's easier to use the technology of a long-dead civilization to swap bodies with an ex-lover.                                     

She decides that she's going to kill Lester, who for some reason, has woken up, and can only whimper. She pulls the scarf from around his neck, twists it into a garrote, and starts going off about how Kirk now knows what it feels like to live with "the indignity of being a woman." Whut? Also, "it's better to be dead than live alone as a woman." Yeaaah, as an introverted female, I'd like to say that this bitch only speaks for herself. I am totes okay living alone as a female, thanks. Would my life be easier as a male? Maybe. But the plumbing strikes me as weird, and I suspect that guys have their own set of problems as well. Nobody's grass is greener. It's all just grass.
So Kirk tries to kill Lester-Kirk with the scarf, but she hears the others coming, so she's all, "Hey, guys. What's up? I wasn't doing anything suspicious."
Bones says that he and Dr Coleman differ on what they think injured the others, but they're kind of goners at this point. However, they have to be specific in how Lester is treated, or she'll be as good as gone, too.
Coleman goes to Lester, who is slipping in and out of consciousness, and I don't get how this is supposed to be feasible. I get that Lester in Lester's body was just faking, and that's how she went from mostly-unconscious to dashing across the room to steal Kirk's body, but here we have Kirk in Lester's body, a body that was never weakened by illness. Lester should be able to sit up and be all, "That bitch stole my body!"
But Lady Archon, maybe Lester's body was weakened by the switch! Yeah, maybe. But then, wouldn't Kirk's body be weakened as well? They shrugged off the science/medical stuff to satisfy the story. As someone pointed out me yesterday, this is an acceptable thing for science fiction. But it has to make sense in some way other than "it works for the story that Lester can't tell the others what happened."A hypospray filled with sedative would have worked nicely here. Take the two seconds to reconcile the science with the story, please.

So Coleman and Bones go to Lester, and determines that s/he is near death. Bones recommends that they beam him to sick bay. Coleman doesn't seem to like this idea, but Kirk suggests that Lester hasn't gotten better because she is concerned for her staff. Kirk calls Scotty for a beam-up, and uses oddly formal titles ("Captain Kirk" rather than just Kirk, and "Mr Scott" rather than Scotty). She gives Coleman pointed looks. Coleman stops protesting.
They beam up, and some medical workers take Lester to sick bay on a gurney. Bones stays behind at Kirk's request, and Kirk says that she used to bang Lester, but then left when it got serious.
"I was a total dick to her," she says, laying it on. "I was young, but that's not a good excuse."
Bones promises to work with Coleman to find a cure.

In sick bay, Kirk enters to see Coleman standing over Lester. Lester is unconscious, but moaning like Meg Ryan in the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

"We can't let her become lucid enough to tell anyone what happened," says Kirk.

"It's cool," says Coleman. "Nobody will believe this shit, anyway."

They start an argument. Lester killed her staff by sending them into a place where there was high radiation and crappy shielding, and Coleman had purposefully left Lester and Kirk alone long enough for Lester to switch bodies and then kill Kirk. He accuses Lester of not doing the job because she loves Kirk. Kirk loses her shit and yells at Coleman that that's stupid, that Kirk was too strong to kill, and anyway, who cares, because she's Kirk now. Coleman says he won't murder Kirk for Lester. Kirk yells back that Coleman is responsible for the deaths of Lester's staff because he knew about the radiation and didn't treat them.

Are you following this shit? Lester wanted Kirk's life, so she and Coleman put her crew in danger, then she pretended to be sick as well, and they issued a distress call to the Enterprise. Then Lester switched bodies with Kirk and tried to kill Kirk, who inhabits Lester's body. So Kirk is trying to kill Lester. Got it?

Bones and Christine come in. They changed Christine's hair again, like to a light brown, with maybe a reddish tinge? I dunno how I feel about that. For me, Majel Barrett will always look best with dark brown hair. 

So Bones says it's weird that Lester is delirious, because she shows zero signs of radiation poisoning. Coleman argues that Lester has been under his care for two years, and he knows best how to treat her. Kirk appears to consider both arguments before turning complete treatment over to Coleman. Coleman orders Christine to give Lester a sedative, because Lester is waking up. There's an interesting shot from Lester's point of view, where Kirk comes into focus. There's then a quick series of flashbacks showing Kirk and Lester switching bodies before Christine reluctantly knocks Lester out. Bones storms out of the room.
"...can't believe I'm losing control of the Enterprise," murmurs Lester as the sedative kicks in. What a ridiculously obvious thing to say. It would have been less obvious and more realistic for her to mutter something along the lines of "...Lester, switched bodies, I'm Kirk..." Either way, Christine looks at Kirk weird.

Kirk's voice-over thingy: "Fuckin' sweet! I'm captain now! I plotted for years and studied the schematics and goings on of the Enterprise for years, so no one will be the wiser. I'm so awesome."

Kirk goes to the bridge and sits in the captain's chair. Then she tells Chekov to set course for the Benecia colony.
"Um, that's the opposite direction of the way we need to go," says Spock. "We have a rendezvous to make."
"Dr Lester needs medical care, so we're going to Benecia, because we can get there in two days," says Kirk.
"Okay, but Starbase 2 has better medical facilities. with specialists, and they're on the way to our appointment," says Spock. "The Benecia colony has witchdoctors and Band-Aids."
"No, it's three days to Starbase 2," argues Kirk. "Coleman says she'll die before we reach there."

"If we go faster, we can get to Starbase 2 before her time is up," replies Spock.

Bahahaha, you may have read schematics, but you didn't wager on having to argue with Vulcan logic, you bipolar bitch.

The red-headed communications officer asks if Kirk wants her to inform Starfleet of the change in course, and she blows up at this new girl. Spock points out that it's policy to let Starfleet know if they're changing course, or will be late for a rendezvous.

"Then you should have done it!" Kirk yells at Spock. "Do your fucking job, Spock!"

"That's your fucking job," Spock points out calmly.

"Fine!" barks Kirk. "Tell Starfleet!" she yells at the comms officer, before storming off the bridge.

Hey, friends. Who recognizes this comms officer? Yep, that's the same girl who played Angela Martine from "Balance of Terror" and "Shore Leave", both in season one. There, she was a brunette in a command gold tunic who is widowed on her wedding day, and is chased by a tiger made of plant material. Now she's a red-headed comms officer who's just trying to do her job.

Bones goes to see Kirk in her quarters. Kirk is filing her nails. Now, I know that's supposed to indicate that Kirk is actually being piloted by a female, but let's face it: it's not all that weird. Kirk is kind of metro. I really wouldn't be surprised if Kirk did that when he was not female.
So Bones is pissed off about being usurped by Coleman, so he did some digging and found out that Coleman is a fucking quack. Like, Starfleet removed him from his ship because he's incompetent. (Okay, then how'd he get the job with Lester? Was it strictly civilian?)
"Whatever," shrugs Kirk.
"Fine," says Bones. "I'm ordering you to take a battery of medical tests."
"Why?" demands an angry Kirk.
"Because you're acting weird," Bones replies. Kirk implies that Bones is doing this to punish her for giving Lester over to Coleman, but Bones reminds him that he can have Kirk relieved of duty.
Sulu calls Kirk to say that Starfleet wants to know why they're delaying their rendezvous, and Kirk stomps off to the bridge.

In sick bay, Lester wakes up and tries to figure out why he is in sick bay. It dawns on him what has happened, and he shouts for Bones. Coleman comes in instead, and when Christine enters a few moments later to find Lester ranting about being Kirk, Coleman tells Christine that Lester suffers from the delusion that she is Kirk. He says it started six months earlier, was exacerbated by the radiation, and she know requires sedation. Christine leaves to prepare a hypospray. Lester sees himself in the mirror and has flashbacks about being on the surface of Camus II and swapping bodies with Kirk.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

We return to sick bay a few minutes later. Lester has been put back into bed, and a thick strap has been fastened over his thighs. Honestly, that still seems pretty easy to get out of, but I guess we're supposed to believe it's keeping Lester in bed.

Lester's Log, stardate unknown: "I'm in a weird body. FTS."

Christine comes in with a drinkable sedative. Why that's needed when they have them in hyposprays, I don't know. I mean, for the story, yes. But most people watching this show will recall a few minutes earlier that they administered sedatives through a spray, so...

Lester asks to see Bones, but Christine says that that isn't possible. So Lester asks to see "that nice Mr Spock." Why that doesn't send up a red flag with Christine, I don't know, but she smiles and says "maybe." Lester convinces Christine that he will drink the rest of the sedative, and the nurse leaves. Lester then empties the sedative on the floor (subtle), breaks the glass (again, subtle), and uses it to saw through the seat belt keeping him in bed. No need to mention that there's a buckle on the freaking belt.

Meanwhile, in the next frickin' room, Spock and Bones are talking about how Kirk is acting weird, and Bones needs to figure out what's wrong with him. Spock says he thinks that whatever changed Kirk happened when the captain was briefly alone with Dr Lester, so he'll ask her. Kirk reports in for her physical, all smiles.

Lester comes running down the hall with that broken glass in hand. Good lord, how big is sick bay? Shouldn't he be just in the next room? He busts through the door and yells, "Spock! Bones! You've got to help me!"

Kirk advances on him, knocking the glass from his hand, and chopping at the back of his neck. Lester crumples in the hall. Bones catches Lester and gives Kirk a dirty look while a pair of Reds come running.

Kirk orders that Lester be locked in his quarters, and be allowed to see no one. Then she gleefully marches into the sick bay, while Bones glares at her and the Reds carry Lester off down the corridor. Sooo... that neck-chopping thing... is that a Starfleet-standard move, taught to all officers? Or is that Kirk-specific, as in "Lester should not know how to do that move"?

Spock shows up at Lester's quarters and requests to be let in.

"No can do," says one of the Reds. "Captain said no one can see her."

"Does that sort of command usually apply to senior officers?" logics Spock.

"No, I guess not," replies the Red cheerfully. He accompanies Spock inside.

Back in sick bay, shirtless Kirk is doing that exercise where you lay on the table on your back and pretend like you're running, while pressing these blocks into the wall with your feet.

"Fine, you're healthy," grumps Bones, who was probably hoping that his job would be made easier when an alien burst through Kirk's chest.

Kirk goes to get dressed again, but Bones puts a stop to it: "Don't get dressed yet. I need to run an optical test that will tell me about your emotional health."

Sorry... you need Kirk to be half-naked to test his eyesight?

Back in Lester's quarters, Spock has been brought up to speed, and is repeating the story back to make sure he got the facts right: Lester switched bodies with Kirk, and is now masquerading as him.

"Body-switching isn't possible," says Spock.

"It is," says Lester. "The people who died out on Camus II a long time ago could do it. Lester was able to figure it out, and made it happen between us." 

Spock says it still sounds like crap, so Lester tries to convince him by talking about some of their past adventures. The Vulcan then points out that paperwork was filed with Starfleet about those adventures, and that Lester might have learned of them that way.

"Fine," says Lester. "Let's mind-meld."

So far, that Red has just been standing by the door observing this whole weird convo without comment.

Okay, so I guess that Lester was in quarters before instead of sick bay.
So that means that there are quarters somewhere on the ship that
contain medical beds with straps, and medical read-out screens, and
also look exactly like the sick bay.

"Okay, you're Kirk," says Spock. "But no one is going to believe us. We should talk to Bones."

The Red stops Lester from leaving.

Down in sick bay, Bones declares grudgingly that Kirk is fine.

Spock pinches the Red, who calls out to the Red in the corridor. The Red in the corridor calls Kirk in sick bay to report an escape attempt, and Kirk calls security to Lester's room. Spock and Lester exit the room and Spock pinches that second Red just as Bones, Kirk, and two more Reds come running.

"There's no need to be a dick," Spock tells Kirk. "We're not gonna fight you."

Kirk walks to the nearest comm panel and turns on the PA.

"Hey, all. I'm arresting Spock for mutiny. We're gonna have a hearing to see if we can court-martial his ass."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Kirk's Log 5930.3: "Haha, fooled McCoy's dumb tests. Totes the captain now."

At the court-martial hearing, Scotty is examining Spock.

"So you mind-melded with Dr Lester, and determined that she's actually Captain Kirk?" asks Scotty, who is pretty sure that Spock is high or something. "Where's the evidence?"

"The evidence is Dr Lester," says Spock. "But that dumb bitch in the gold tunic locked her up."

"She's crazy," laughs Kirk. "She's locked up for everyone's safety."

"She's nuts according to you," says Spock. "Bring her here and have your officers talk to her."

"Pssht, fine," says Kirk. "Then everyone will know she's crazy."

So Kirk sends a Red to get Lester, and examines Bones in the meantime. Bones grudgingly admits that all of his tests turned up nothing.

The Red returns with Lester and Coleman, but Kirk boots Coleman. Lester takes the stand. Pretty sure Lester's eyes are burning a hole straight through the back of Kirk's head.

Through semantics on both sides, it comes to light that whatever essence makes Kirk "Kirk," is currently trapped within the body of Janice Lester. All of the audience members, including the security Reds, exchange smirks. Kirk is also snickering. Lester explains that he was forced into something on Camus II, and that's when the switch took place. 

"Why would Dr Lester want to switch?" Kirk asks, laughing.

"Because Janice Lester is a giant bitch who wants power, and hates being a woman. Living with her was fucking impossible," snarls Lester. "Also, she wants to kill Kirk."

Kirk gets kind of manic then, and accuses Spock of trying to remove her from power so that he can run the ship in Kirk's absence.

"You should drop this crap," says Kirk. "I'll get rid of these charges. And Dr Lester will be cared for for the rest of her life, because I was a dick to her forever ago, and I owe her that much."

"Bitch, you're not Kirk," says Spock. "I'm gonna figure out a way to prove it."

"Mutiny!" shrieks Kirk.

It's a rainbow of bullshit: Kirk is spewing it, but neither Scotty nor
Bones is buying.

She starts screaming about mutiny, and how Spock is going down. Then Kirk calls a recess for an hour and declares that a vote will be taken when they come back.

A bit later, Scotty joins Bones in the corridor.

"Man, I seen the captain do some crazy shit," says Scotty, "but that was some seriously, seriously crazy shit."

"I know," says Bones. "But we can't prove anything, and Starfleet is only gonna be interested in things we can prove. A mind-meld isn't proof, even if I do believe Spock."

"If we both vote with Spock, what will the captain do?" asks Scotty.

"Flip his shit," replies Bones with some hesitation.

"And then we have to mutiny," says Scotty.

"I guess we do," Bones admits.

They go back in to vote, and Kirk orders that girl-who-was-Angela-Martine to play a tape. Apparently, Kirk engaged in some illegal bullshit wire-tapping or something in the corridor, and we hear Scotty and Bones' conversation again.

"You guys are conspiring with mutineers!" yells Kirk. "The penalty is death for both of you!"

"Fuck that!" yells Chekov. He and Sulu spring to their feet.

"That's illegal! We don't use the death penalty for anything but General Order Four!" says Sulu. (Remember General Order Four? Spock violated it in "The Menagerie".)

Kirk barks at them to get back to their posts, then has Scotty and Bones taken into custody until he can have them executed. Along for the ride: Spock and Lester.

Back on the bridge, Sulu and Chekov are discussing how the captain has lost his shit, because now he's talking execution.

"This crap is not happening," says Sulu firmly.

Chekov agrees, as does she-who-was-Angela.

Kirk enters the bridge and starts barking orders about how he wants a representative from each group of workers on the Enterprise on the hangar deck to witness the executions. And he still wants to go to Benecia colony, so he can get rid of Lester, and bury the bodies of Scotty and Bones. In an act of civil disobedience, Sulu and Chekov let their hands slid down the panels and into their laps. The helm is now a lunch counter, and these boys move for no one.

Kirk throws a fucking tantrum like a giant child. In the middle of screaming about how everyone on the ship will be charged with mutiny, she suddenly has some kind of seizure. It's interspersed with shots of the brig, where Spock is manipulating the neck and head of Dr Lester. The transference is briefly broken, and Lester said he was on the bridge for a moment.

"Cool," says Bones. "Looks like we can get rid of this."

Kirk rushes off the bridge and runs down to the medical lab, where she encounters Coleman.

"The transference is weak," she complains. "How do I make it permanent?"

"You have to kill Kirk," Coleman answers.

"I can't," whines Kirk. She talks Coleman into doing the dirty work by saying they could both be exposed as murderers.

Coleman agrees and loads a double-lethal portion of some kind of something in a hypospray, while handing Kirk a phaser.

They go up to the brig ana announce that they're moving everyone into separate spaces to prevent more mutiny-type activities from taking place. Lester is let out first, and he immediately struggles with Coleman.

"Kill him!" shrieks Kirk, who is standing behind Lester and could easily take care of that job.

Instead, Kirk is thrown against the wall, and rolls across the surface of it, making funny faces. Janice Lester's transference ghost thing floats out in front of Kirk's face, and we go through that series of flashbacks again.

Suddenly, Lester is crying and screaming, "I've lost to the captain! I've lost to James Kirk! I want you dead! I'll never be the captain!" She wrestles with Kirk for a moment, then falls sobbing into the arms of Coleman, who declares his love for her.

Bones is fairly certain that he's getting too old for this shit.

Coleman says he'd like to take care of her, and he and bones walk Lester back to sick bay.

"I didn't want to hurt her," Kirk says to Scotty and Spock. "Her life could have been as rich as any woman's... if only..."

If only what? What the fuck does that mean? If only she wasn't raging against a sexist organization? If only she wasn't ambitious? If only she hadn't lost her marbles? If only she had dated your lame ass?

Kirk, Scotty and Spock get on the lift, and so ends Star Trek.

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 6
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 0
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 7
Total crew deaths thus far: 49

This episode is shockingly similar to "The Enemy Within" and a bit like "Mirror, Mirror", where we get evil or slightly-off versions of Kirk.

This is the way the series ends
This is the way the series ends
This is the way the series ends
Not with a bang but... not necessarily with a whimper, either.
As a series finale, this episode doesn't work. As a season finale, it doesn't work, either. It just doesn't have enough oomph. BUT -- it works okay as a mediocre middle-of-the-season episode. There are three kinds of Star Trek episodes (awesome, okay, and crap), and while most of them fall into the category of okay, the season/series finale really should have fallen into the awesome slot. While they might not have known ahead of time that it would be the series finale, they did know that it would the season finale, and I feel like other episodes were much stronger and should have been made as the finale. And maybe our friends at Star Trek had too many irons in the fire to plan very far out, but it seems to me that the best plan of action would be to take all of the approved episodes and put them order in terms of strength. Bookend your season with stronger episodes so that people will want to stay and watch, and then remember how good it was. I know that these episodes were often filmed and shown in different orders, and I'm pretty sure that was the fault of post-production, but these last three episodes were filmed and shown in the same order, which means that this episode was maybe selected as the final episode. It's okay as science-fiction goes, and has elements of classic Star Trek, but isn't strong enough to be the finale.

Edit: Turns out this episode wasn't actually intended to be the last. Reader Robyn sussed out what my IMDB hunts did not: production of the last episodes ground to a halt as the budget was first severely limited, then cut completely. This makes sense, as we only got 24 episodes this season, rather than the standard 26.

*******

So Lipton has come out with these canned teas that are "sparkling," and when I saw that a pizza joint was selling all of the flavors out of the cooler for cheap last week, I grabbed one of each. I started with the raspberry. Here's the basic low-down on this tea: it tastes just like their raspberry tea. Really. I mean, all they've done is carbonate their raspberry tea. So if you like their raspberry tea, you'll like this. I guess the carbonation makes it a bit lighter, but if you opened it and let it go flat, it wouldn't taste any different.

http://www.liptontea.com/product/detail/927942/sparkling-raspberry-iced-tea

Why do these cats think that using my wrist as a pillow makes it easier for me to type? 

Season 3, Episode 67 "Plato's Stepchildren"

"Plato's Stepchildren"

Production Order: 67
Air Order: 65
Stardate: 5784.2
Original Air Date: November 22, 1968


Hey, friends. If you have, say, rape or abuse triggers, I'm gonna suggest that you not watch this episode. Cuz I don't really have those, and even I found this episode un-fucking-pleasant to watch.

*******

Kirk's Log 5784.2: "Responding to some distress calls from an unknown planet, which is weird because scans shows no life here. But it does have rich deposits of kironide or something or other that Spock says is important. I dunno. Science. He and I and Bones are beaming down because it's too hard to answer their distress calls from the bridge first to determine what might be in store for us planet-side. Plus, it's more fun to just beam down to an unknown planet. Maybe there's something there that will eat us. Maybe it's covered with beautiful women. Being a space captain is awesome!"

They beam down to the surface, which is actually covered in columns and statues, and we're clearly on a Greco-Roman planet (again). A booming voice and a tall shadow demands to know if they came from the Enterprise. Kirk answers in the affirmative, and the shadow gets smaller as the person moves forward until we see that he's actually a little person. He says that he's Alexander, and that he's entertaining and a good loser. That can't bode well. Dude is friendly, but why does he want them to know that he loses well?

He says they're Platonians, and they were native to the Sandarian system until their sun went nova, and they relocated here. Their founder was all into Plato, and their current philosopher-king Parmen says they're like "Plato's children," though Alexander says he thinks of them more like "Plato's stepchildren." He says that they're wanted somewhere, then he stiffens and sorts of hops away, like he's being pulled by something invisible. They follow him into a room with a dais, where a guy in a fancy toga is lying on a couch. A woman in green asks which of our boys is the doctor, and Bones answers that he is.
He goes to Mr Toga and asks how his leg got gross and infected. Toga replied that he scratched it and things just got out of hand. Bones goes to give him a hypo to ease the pain, but the hypo floats out of his hand, and Toga asks where it needs to go.
"Arm," mutters Bones, and the hypo is given in the arm.
Can I give a quick fist-bump to whatever prop person put together Bones' hypo kit? It's awesome, with little vials of colored water to indicate different medicines.

We flash over to the chick in the green toga, Philana, and Alexander. Think you've seen this woman before? Congratulations, you have. That's Barbara Babcock. She was Mea 3 in "A Taste of Armageddon", did a bunch of uncredited voice work for TOS, and has been in pretty much everything since the late fifties.
"This sucks," Alexander tells Philana. "They came here to help, and you intend to kill them."
She tells him that he talks too much, and gives him a death stare, and he bites his own hand. The dramatic music leads us into the theme song.

Just a quick note because I always seem to talk about this, and won't have time later: none of the costumes on this episode suck. A+ costume team. No one looks ridiculous. Hair is excellent as well, and good job to the set guys. It's a bitch to paint marble, and they painted a lot of it. The furniture is all awesome as well.

Okay, back to it.

Kirk's Log 5784.3: "So after their sun went nova, these people actually ended up in ancient Greece. But after Plato died, they moved here, and continued to live as the ancient Greeks."

This is the voice-over that we get while we watch Alexander play some kind of game with another Platonian. It looks like a large-scale chess game, but the board and pieces are different. Alexander has to heft the heavy pieces into place while the other guy directs them to float into place with his mind.

Meanwhile, Bones is telling Parmen, the Toga guy, that he will have to think about how to cure him, but in the meantime, to please let him run his own hypos, okay?

Bones tells Kirk and Spock that Parmen's illness is different from what he's seen before, and that he'll have to compare and contrast it with things that he knows. Philana gives them a run-down on things: there was some dabbling in eugenics on Sandara all those millenia ago, and they are the product of it. There are only 38 of them. When they arrived on Plutonius, they developed psychokinetic powers. They're actually all like, 2300 years old. The problem is, not doing anything because they're lazy shits has made them susceptible to everything under the sun, so now Parmen is dying from a scratch.

Right on cue, Parmen starts moaning and thrashing about on his couch. Stuff goes flying around the room. Spock remarks that it's a physical manifestation of his delirium.

Guess what, friends? It Disables the Ship. They're locked in orbit and suffering through nasty turbulence.

But look! Look who's on the bridge! Another black woman! And she's wearing blue! Blue on the bridge means she's probably science! And she appears to have a full stripe on her cuff, which makes her rank Lieutenant. YUSSSSS.

Star Trek marketing: "Look, kids! We're flying through space! Whee!"

Star Trek subtext: "White or black, male or female, you too can do science. Everyone is equal in the future."

The only problem with making such a cool little subtextual statement is that it happens to have come attached to this episode, which is skeevy, and not so much appropriate for kids.

Anyway. We swing back to the throne room or whatever it is, and Parmen is still flipping out. Bones tries to give him a hypo to sleep, but Parmen is making Bones jerk and fly up against the wall. He's also making Alexander choke himself on the other side of the room. Kirk throws himself in front of Alexander, hoping to shield him, but it doesn't really work. Philana grabs Parmen and holds him long enough for Bones to rush forward and hypo him. Alexander is saved from death by self-asphyxiation. Kirk wants to leave, but Bones wants to stay until Parmen's fever has broken, so Kirk agrees. Alexander shows them to their room.

Grateful that they helped him, he offers to get them whatever they need. Kirk asks if there are other Platonians like him.

Alexander is immediately guarded. "What do you mean, like me?"

Yeah, Kirk. What the hell are you asking about?

"People without psychokinesis," says Kirk, and both Alexander and I relax.

"Naw, just me," he says cheerfully. "They call me a 'throwback.' I was brought here to be the court jester, to get them stuff, and not do anything right." Um, why is this dude okay with being crapped on for being small and not having powers? He asks if there are people in Kirk's world who are small and have no powers.

Kirk smiles. "Dude, we are all different sizes, and nobody has powers."

Alexander smiles back. But then he stiffens up and sort of dances out of the room again, saying that "somebody wants me." And now we understand that these a-holes are psychically calling him, physically forcing him to come at their beck and call.

"I wanna GTFO," says Spock. "This place is creepy as hell."

Bones rushes in to say that the meds he mixed have worked, and that Parmen's powers have lead him to heal at a super rate.

"Awesome," says Kirk, and he calls for a beam-up.

"Sorry," says Scotty. "Everything is frozen, for no reason. And we can't get a hold of Starfleet."

"Call me when we're good to go," answers Kirk.

Alexander is entertaining Parmen when Kirk strolls in. He starts to give Parmen the due respect and all, but Parmen interrupts him.

"Philosopher-kings have no need for titles."

Um, you just gave yourself one?

"Let my ship go," says Kirk.

"Bite me," says Parmen. He floats Kirk's phaser out of his hand and immediately starts making Kirk slap himself across the face. I want so badly to make a "stop hitting yourself" joke here, but in this episode, Kirk isn't being the giant douchecanoe he usually is. He treats Alexander nicely, and ...well, shit goes down later that reminds me that I don't completely hate Kirk all the time.

The boys are all in their room later, Kirk trying to contact an unresponsive Enterprise. Spock surmises that Parmen intends to keep them. They suddenly stand straight up and do that same sort of forced-danced that Alexander often does. They find themselves in the throne room, where Parmen and Philana are waiting. Philana says they have thank you gifts for our boys. Kirk gets Pericles' shield. Spock gets a harp. Bones gets some scrolls written by Hippocrates himself.
"These are nice," says Kirk, who trusts this guy as far as he can throw him. "Has my ship been released?"
"Not yet," says Parmen. "So... hey, sorry. I lost my temper earlier. I'm sure that happens to you sometimes, only when it happens to me, other stuff goes down."
Creeper. He sounds like a batterer. "Hey, baby. Sometimes I hit you, but it's only because I'm so passionate."
"Yeah... thanks for the gifts," says Kirk. "Gonna go now."
"Um, Dr McCoy stays," says Parmen. "We thought we didn't need a doctor, but I guess we do."
"No thanks," says Bones. "I already have a job."
Parmen is pretty insistent. He goes from zero to asshole in six seconds, and now Bones can't move.
"We'll persuade you," says Parmen, and he forces Bones to stand next to him on the dais.
Then he forces Kirk and Spock to drop their gifts and put on laurels. Then they dance to Alexander's drum-beating and recite rhymes from Through the Looking Glass.

Kirk ends up being tortured on the floor, then Spock is forced to get up and dance the flamenco around his head. That bitch Philana is totally enjoying all of this.

Spock collapses on the floor and begins laughing hysterically.
"The hell?" says Bones. "You can't just unlock all of a Vulcan's emotions. That'll seriously screw him up."
Parmen says that Spock shouldn't die laughing, so he forces him to cry instead.
"Asshole!" yells Alexander.
Parmen forces Alexander to climb on Kirk's back and ride him around the room like a horse. "You're a total d-bag for allowing your friends to be tortured like this," he tells Bones.
I'm instituting a name change. From now on, Parmen will now be known as Abusive Boyfriend.

Back in their rooms later, Spock is sitting in quiet contemplation while Bones and Kirk talk quietly. Bones says that Spock must sort of "cure" himself. He then tells Spock directly that the release of emotions is a healthy thing. Spock replies by saying (truthfully) that a healthy release of emotions, while good for that person, are often not good for those around them. He's concerned that he now feels enough hatred toward Abusive Boyfriend and his wife (Sadistic Bitch) that he might be a danger to others. Spock then crushes a cup in his bare hands. Bones tells Kirk that he will stay on Platonius so the others can leave.

"No way," says Kirk. "They won't let us go free. They know we'll come back for you with Starfleet in tow. So they'll say that they'll let us go once you agree to stay, then they'll blow up the ship or something."

"He's right," says Alexander. "They've been telling me for years that I'm shit that they scraped off their shoes, and this whole time I've been saying "thank you sir, may I have another?" Now they're treating you the same way. You can't stay here and let that happen to you too." Alexander is getting worked up. "It's not me! I'm not shit, they are!"

He smashes a vase and grabs a sharp pottery shard. "I'll cut 'em all! I only have to get each one once, then they'll die of infection!"

Kirk manages to talk him down, and Alexander says this is the first time someone has been nice to him. He says he'll help them in any way he can. Spock asks how long they had been on Platonius before the others developed their powers. Alexander says about six months, and admits that they had only brought three or four months' worth of supplies with them.

"So they probably got it from eating the native food," says Spock.

Bones scans Alexander and says the difference between his blood and Abusive Boyfriend's blood is that AB has a build-up of kironide in the pituitary glands, which regulates growth. The same thing that made Alexander small also kept him from getting the powers when he ate the same food as the others.

"So that sucks," says Alexander.

'Can you give us shots of kironide to build it up in our bloodstream so we can get the powers, too?" Kirk asks Bones.

"Well, yeah," says Bones. "But there's more of them than us. What if they like, combine powers to become MegaZord?"

"They can't," says Alexander. "They tried to combine powers forever ago, and it fucked up all of the shit. Everybody's powers operate on a different frequency."

"Cool," says Kirk. "Let's do double the amount in Abusive Boyfriend's system. Also, let's give some to Alexander. He could take over AB's spot and run the whole place." 

"Fuck that!" yells Alexander, backing away. "I don't want those creepy powers. I don't wanna be like that. Just say that if this works out, you'll get me the hell away from here."

Kirk is about to agree when the air shimmers on the other side of the chamber, and Uhura and Christine appear.

"The hell?" asks Kirk.

The women silently turn and walk away.

"Guess we weren't entertaining enough," he replies.

I never noticed until now what a height difference there was between
Majel Barrett and Nichelle Nichols. Also, please take note of the fact that,
even though they have very different figures, they both look killer
in those ridiculous tunics.

Uhura and Christine walk into a dimly-lit room in new clothes. Uhura's dress looks kind of like jammies, but she still rocks it. Christine looks good, too. Remember earlier when I said that all of the costumes on this episode are awesome? Not taking it back, but... here come our boys.

 When I watched this the first time, I laughed so hard I almost choked. Like, on nothing. Nice gams, gentlemen. And welcome back, Shirtless Kirk. It's been a little while.

Kirk and Spock try to see if their new powers have kicked in by trying to lift a plate of fruit nearby with their minds. Nothing doing. There's the sound of clapping and laughter coming from somewhere, and a wall is removed to real that Abusive Boyfriend, Sadistic Bitch, and all of their friends have taken seats behind the wall to watch. Abusive Boyfriend stands up and says that today they are welcoming a new person into their community, and he gestures at Bones, who is sitting next to him.

Bones grumbles his dissent, and Abusive Boyfriend says that he is ruining the festive mood of the ladies, so now they should have a serenade.

Alexander is made to play the harp while Spock sings to Uhura and Christine a pretty, flourish-y, romantic-sounding song about... a drunken one-night stand. There's a thinly-veiled allusion to stolen virginity and cum-guzzling. Lovely.

Then Christine and Uhura are made to lay on couches, and the boys are made to go back and forth between them, the a-holes behind the wall laughing and calling them fickle. Then they pair off, Kirk with Uhura, and Spock with Christine.

Alexander looks like he wants to cry. Christine begs Spock to make them stop.

"For so long I've wanted to be close to you," she says. "Now all I want to do is crawl away and die."

He apologizes earnestly, saying that he doesn't have the power to stop what's happening.

This is killing me to watch this, you guys.

Spock and Christine kiss, shaking from the effort of trying to stop the action, while two of the Platonians make icky remarks about them. They continue to make out while the focus shifts to Uhura and Kirk. Uhura tells him that she is thinking back to all of the times on the ship when she was afraid of what was happening, but then she would look over at Kirk in his chair and see that he had things under control, and she would take strength from that. He tells her not to be afraid. They kiss. He scowls over her head at the Platonians. 

Sadistic Bitch is treating this like her own private booth at the back of the video store. Clearly, she's a Watcher of the highest caliber. She tells Abusive Boyfriend to "get on with it." AB is running this show, remember? Everything is going according to his script, and I guess he knows what Sadistic Bitch likes. And Sadistic Bitch wants him to bring on the hard-core fucking.

Abusive Boyfriend chides her for being impatient, and cites Bones' patience for the "piece de resistance." Yes, you're right. Bones is being patient while he waits to watch his friends be forcibly raped. Is it possible to reach through the screen and punch these people? They fucking deserve it.

Weapons come out. A red hot poker for Spock and a whip for Kirk. Oh, I see. We're going to do some kind of gladiator-Pon Farr thing beforehand. Charming.

Look how excited Sadistic Bitch is. She just loves her some
sexual violence.

And then... they fucking turn back toward the girls.

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF FIFTY SHADES OF BULLSHIT IS THIS?!

Kirk manages to turn back to the Assholians and yell at them that they're all dead inside. Abusive Boyfriend turns his powers up full blast to make Kirk turn around and crack that whip right near Uhura's face. You can see the embers falling off the poker that Spock is brandishing at Christine. Sadistic Bitch is eating it up. Bones is yelling at Abusive Boyfriend to stop, that he'll agree to pretty much anything at this point if AB lets them go. Nobody notices that Alexander has a knife, until just before he tries to stab Abusive Boyfriend. Sadistic Bitch stops him, and then calmly points it out. Abusive Boyfriend decides that Alexander should stab himself instead.

Sadistic Bitch is now fascinated by this instead. Rape, torture, forcing one to commit seppuku, it's all good. She'll get off on most anything, apparently. But then -- the knife is slowly moved sideways, away from Alexander's chest. Abusive Boyfriend is stunned.

"Who did that?' he demands.

Kirk drops his whip and laughs. "Ha! Fuck you, Abusive Boyfriend! Fuck you sideways with a katana! I have powers now, and I did that!"

I'd complain about the convenience of Kirk and Spock gaining their powers just in the nick of time (like always), but I'm so fucking done with this episode and this scene specifically that I no longer give a shit. Alexander is not bleeding out. Uhura does not have whip marks on her face and Christine will not have burn scars on her body.

"I have twice your powers, Abusive Boyfriend!" crows Kirk.

AB makes Alexander hop off the bench and run at Kirk with the knife. Kirk makes Alexander run back to AB. Okay, knock it off, Kirk. I'm really not cool with you playing with Alexander like this, even if it is to get back at Abusive Boyfriend. But there's the knife at Alexander's chest, and he's realizing that Kirk does have better powers than he does, and he starts begging for mercy. But Kirk spins Alexander around.

Alexander protests about not being able to make his kill shot.

"Dude, you didn't want to be like Abusive Boyfriend," Kirk reminds him. Alexander drops the knife.

Kirk makes AB climb over the wall.

"Sooo... heh. You guys knew that I was going to kill you and destroy your ship," says Abusive Boyfriend. "...how come you saved me?"

"Because we're not fucking assholes like you," answers Kirk. "But hey, you can't live in a vacuum anymore. We're sending Starfleet in to check you out."

"Oh, um... that's not necessary," fumbles Abusive Boyfriend. "You're totally safe, and also, I think that lately we're become freakish with our powers, and lazy and also unkind and stuff. We're gonna change."

"Your breath smells like manure," says Kirk.

"Yes," agrees Spock. "I too believe that you are full of shit."

"Beeteedubs, we know how to get the same powers as you, and in higher doses," Kirk reminds him. "Try anything and we'll be back on your ass so fast. now get the hell out of my way."

He calls Alexander over to him and then flips open his comm. "Scotty, I have a little surprise for you. Beam us up."

And I'm so glad that this episode is over that I'm not even going to bitch that he smiles at Alexander right when he says "little surprise."

And then they fly the fuck away from there because oh my God.

So I usually watch each episode all the way through once before re-watching while I write and take screencaps. This way, I can get a better feeling for the episode "overall," think about how the episode fits in with the series and canon, and compare and contrast it to see if it's similar or not to other episodes. Certain episodes fall into my "can I just not?" category, where I've done my initial watching, and have filed the episode away as one that I would rather not see again. Two that come to mind are "Space Seed" (creepy) and "City on the Edge of Forever" (feels trip). One viewing for any episode that falls into this category is more than enough. I feel this way about this episode.
Khan Noonien Singh ogled me at the bus stop. Parmen approached me on the street and licked my arm. In both cases, my skin crawled.
They actually banned this episode initially in the UK, not for the interracial kiss, but for the sadistic violence that Parmen shows to the crew of the Enterprise.
I gave myself several days between viewings to digest the content and really think about it, but no. Upon returning to the DVD, I found that I was loathe to fire it up again, this time having to proceed slowly through each scene, a bit at a time, getting just the right screencapture and creating just the right description and reaction. It takes roughly 4-5 hours to do each review, and because other stuff is going on at the same time, I usually just reserve all of Sunday to get the thing done because I'm also checking facts and pushing cats off my keyboard, and dealing with other on-going projects and convincing other people not to hold long conversations with me while I'm typing. A whole Sunday of "Plato's Stepchildren." *shudder* Not to mention the fact that this past weekend was the one where "Fifty Shades of Grey" came out, and my Facebook feed was full of arguments about BDSM, abuse disguised as romance, and terrible fanfic. I'm gonna have to shower for a week to get this creeper vibe off of my skin. Then I'm gonna watch a shit-ton of cute kitty videos, because kitty videos are good for what ails ya.

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 3
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 0
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 0
Total crew deaths this season: 3
Total crew deaths thus far: 45

Can I count myself? I died a little inside watching this.

This episode is shockingly similar to: Space Seed, for manipulative, controlling assholes; "Where No Man Has Gone Before" for assholes who have creepy super-human powers that they use for evil; "Who Mourns For Adonais?" and "Bread and Circuses" for alien civilizations based on Greco-Roman models.

*******

I can't always recall which teas I've reviewed, and which ones just taste really similar to some that I've had before. That being said, the Apple Cinnamon Spice tea by Celestial Seasonings that I drank this week gave me tastebud deja vu. Namely, this tea tastes like liquid Red Hots, and I swear I've had tea like that before. Maybe it was another cinnamon tea. I don't know. But anyway, this one tasted like liquid Red Hots, which is not really my thing. Gonna be honest: was expecting something closer to apple cider, and when it wasn't, I was a bit disappointed. Yeah, I know: if you want some fricking cider, then make cider and not tea. But when you call something Cinnamon Apple Spice, you expect some apple, right? So, yeah. If you like cinnamon, this is the tea for you. If you like more apple flavor, make some cider, I guess. 

http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/herbal-teas/cinnamon-apple-spice

You're working on a sewing project? Awesome, I'll help!
You don't need my help? That's crap, yes you do. No, I'm
not moving. This is my pattern now.
TOUCH ME AND
I'LL BITE YOU, BITCH!