ST:TNG: Season Two, Episode One "The Child"

ST:TNG Season Two, Episode One "The Child"
Production Order: 27
Air Order: 27
Stardate: 42073.1
Original Air Date: November 21, 1988

I didn't go on holiday hiatus and not tell you guys, I swear.
Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while already know that technology hates me, and that most of the time when I don't post, it's because there was some dumb tech problem involved. In this case, my laptop broke. Or rather, it no longer turns on. If I could hack into the case and figure out how to get the mofo to turn on, it would work perfectly.
Okay. Gonna get a new laptop earlier than anticipated. In the meantime, I'm a week behind in posting, so Roomie has agreed to let me use her laptop, which she doesn't use very often as she is mostly a phone person. I put in five hours of work on this post on Christmas Eve, and am pleased that it will go out on the 26th. I minimize the window I am working in with the post mostly completed. Because the laptop isn't used very often, it has updates backlogged from forever, and on the 25th, it starts running updates. It gets half-way through, then claims that it can't finish the updates it started for some reason, and that it is now going to undo the changes it made. Hours later, I open the laptop to find that it has finished whatever the hell it was doing, and I go to put in that last twenty minutes or so of work on this post before setting it to drop on the 26th.
And it is gone. All of the work I put in on the 24th is gone, despite the blogger program being set to save my post every sixty seconds or so.
I throw a pity party. I hate having to re-do shit.
Eventually, I suck it up and decide that I will just have to do it, or leave the blog forever. I tell myself that I will be getting a new laptop soon.
Then my car died.
FML.

*******

*I don't always do this, but I know that grieving parents get some crazy PTSD, so heads' up: Child/Infant Loss trigger warning, okay? Skip this one if that's in your cards*

Okay, so it's 1988. Despite some setbacks, the ratings were pretty good for TNG, and they get green-lighted for another season. But much like the end of season one, there's a problem: the Writers' Guild Strike. No one's allowed to write anything new, so instead of starting out the fall at the beginning of September, our first episode airs after the strike ends, during the week of Thanksgiving.
We got some changes this season - some good, some bad, and some where you see the change and think, "Why the hell did that take so long?"
Anyway, I'm behind schedule, so let's just jump in, shall we?

*******

Right off the bat, we get some shots of the E in space, parting ways with another ship, then a launch of a shuttle from the shuttle bay, all overlaid with some triumphant music, like, "Awww, yeah! We got a second season and weathered the writers' strike! This do this shit, muthufuckuhs!"

Then we go straight to the bridge, where we get to see the new Worf, and unlike Strawberry Shortcake, these revamps are welcome.

Dude is now officially the new Head of Security, with a gold uniform, a sash that reads as being more Klingon than the first, and well... a new head for the new Head.

...they changed his forehead ridges.

Old Worf...

New Worf.

The forehead changes are pretty subtle, but the sash is bad-ass. (That gold sash, BTW, is a throwback to the ones worn by TOS Klingons. I guess the second one reads as being "more Klingon" to me because I'm used to TNG Klingons more than TOS ones.) Now all I'm waiting for is for them to ditch that weird page-boy-ish haircut they have on him. #TeamPonytailedWorf

Anyway, dude is now Head of Security, which is where it always felt like he belonged. He's a big, strong, scary guy. If you run a bar, and you have two friends that you want to hire, you don't make the scary, strong dude your bathroom attendant. You make him bouncer.

Worf was already doing security stuff with Yar, anyway.

So we pan down...

Fuck, yeah! Welcome to the party, Bearded Riker!

(A weird side-note: I am not into beards. There are only like, two guys in the world that I think look better bearded, and Jonathan Frakes is one of them. Season One Riker is not a bad-looking guy by any means, he just... Bearded Riker is better.)

So how did we get Bearded Riker? Did the costume people decide that so many changes were taking place, that they thought Riker should change a bit as well? Did some executive suggest that a beard would make baby-faced Riker seem more forceful and commanding? 

Nope. The hiatus between seasons was longer than usual because of the strike, and Jonathan Frakes doesn't like shaving. That's it. It stayed because Gene Rod thought that it looked kinda nautical. Good choice, Gene. I absolutely believe that Bearded Riker has a more commanding look now.

And check out Wes' new uniform - still a grey unitard, but the colored bands around his shoulders are gone. Instead, his uniform looks like a drab version of the uniforms worn by crew members. It signals that he's not a full crew member, but still part of the team. It's crisp and simple. I like it.

Also, dude finally got his own combadge - moving up in the world!

Riker enters the ready room, where Geordi is showing Picard some little plastic doo-hickey. Riker's report serves as some exposition here: the ship they rendezvoused with is leaving, and "Dr Pulaski" is being shown to her quarters. Picard says that his Chief Engineer is showing him the containment units he designed. Riker says that "chief engineer" still sounds awesome when applied to Geordi. You remember that I said some changes were good, some were bad, and some were, "took them long enough"? Making Geordi the chief engineer took them long enough. Much like Worf, Geordi spent all of season one feeling like he should have been someplace other than the pilot's seat. We saw three different chief engineers over the course of the last season, but somehow, Geordi always seemed smarter and more capable than any of them. Clearly, the writers were moving in that direction with him for quite some time. They just waited until season two to do something about it.

(Also, not gonna lie: I think LeVar Burton and Michael Dorn both look better in that Ops gold than the Command mulberry color.)

ANYWAY, Geordi tells Riker that each of the little plastic doo-hickies is it's own little environment, and that all 512 of them will go into a larger containment unit. The fact that he has to use the replicator to make those things means that he has to divert power from the warp engines, so they'll have to cruise on impulse for a while. 

Some little ball of light flies through space behind the E, then ducks inside through the walls. Data sees a blip or something on his console at the Science station on the bridge, and he calls Geordi in Engineering. 

"I don't see anything," says Geordi, checking his sensors.

The little ball of light keeps darting in and out of the ship at places, so that Data, watching it, can see the energy fluctuations, and someone like Geordi, checking his own stuff momentarily, cannot. We briefly get a camera shot from the ball's POV, floating through the corridors behind people, which is cool, then it goes into someone's quarters to watch the hairiest guy ever sleeping. You do you, Bear Guy.

But it's not into Bear Guy, and it takes off through the wall.

What we get next is a mixed bag of a scene that I think is mostly designed to make the audience squirm and go "WTH?"

The light goes into Troi's quarters, only we have no idea that's where it is. It moves in a suspiciously slow way, and we start to get some "creepy-crawly alien" music, as though we're watching the tentacles of some horrible plant crawl across the floor. It slips up under the covers on Troi's bed and makes it way upward toward her. She's clearly sleeping in a restless fashion, and of course we can't see anything because of the blanket covering Troi, but well... the ball of light doesn't know what consent is, and Troi wakes up breathing heavily.

Dramatic music! Opening credits break!

Picard's Log 42073.1: "Okay so, there's this plague in this one system, and we're going to this other place to get specimens of it so we can take it to another science station so they can hopefully make an antidote."

Did you catch all that? That's our B-plot: the E is going to Location 1 to pick up a plague and drop it in Location 2 so they can make a cure to administer to Location 3. In the meantime, the plague is going to be held in those plastic doo-hickies that Geordi is replicating.

Cool?

Cool.

Given that this is a medical-science thing, Picard tries to find the new CMO, Dr Pulaski. He calls sick bay, but is told that she's in Ten-Forward. Picard is unimpressed.

"A few hours on board and already she's found Ten-Forward?" he asks Riker.

Picard gets up and stalks to the lift, hell-bent on yelling at Pulaski in Ten-Forward. 

Worf gets a Sassy Moment: "Not the best way to meet your new captain."

Wes climbs out of the lift as Picard is getting in, but then he ducks back inside with Picard. What follows are snatches of conversation, surrounded by awkward silences. There's a bit of exposition here in the form of that convo: Dr Crusher is now the Head of Starfleet Medical, and Wes will probably be leaving to join her. So that wraps that up neatly with a bow - we have a new CMO because the last one was promoted. Wes says it's going to be extra hard to leave the E because the E is something really special. Picard agrees, and exits. And wussy Wes never works up the courage to say what he wanted to when he hopped back into the lift.

Picard goes into Ten-Forward. Ten-Forward is a new set, you guys. I love me some Ten-Forward. And who's that tending bar?

Fuck yeah, it's Guinan!

I can just hear the writers' meeting: 

"I think we need a bartender to administer wise advice."

"Why the hell do we need a bartender? They're out in space."

"We could have a bar. And you know who we could get to play the bartender? LeVar's friend."

"I thought that was a joke...?"

Yeah, no: Whoopi Goldberg, fan of both TOS and TNG, had been hassling her friend LeVar Burton to get her a part on the show. They thought she was joking, but came to find out she was serious. So they made her the alien bartender. Good choice.

Picard goes to a table, where Troi is sitting with Pulaski.

Picard introduces himself to her, and starts to give her a tongue-lashing about protocol, but she interrupts him to say that he needs to hear something.

He sits down to talk to her and Troi, and thank the entire pantheon of gods that they changed Troi's look. I was so sick of her green jumpsuit and severe updo with Bedazzled headdress thingy. It looks like they recycled that Bedazzled thingy into a headband, so that's not terrible.

I don't know how I feel about that orange-y lipstick, but I guess we'll see. I'm willing to accept that in place of her crappy season one hair.

They go into a senior officer meeting in the observation lounge, and Troi sits as far away as humanly possible. Picard gives a super-quick intro to the others regarding Pulaski, then jumps into it.

Troi is pregnant.

Pulaski says she's done two exams in the last few hours, and the fetus is several weeks old, despite the fact that Troi was knocked up only 11 hours earlier. Pulaski says that the typical Betazoid gives birth after 10 months, but that she thinks Troi will have her kid in 36 hours.

"WTH?" everyone asks.

"Dude, who's the dad?" Riker demands angrily.

"I dunno," admits Troi. "I was impregnated by a presence."

"The baby is half-human/half-Betazoid, like Deanna," says Pulaski.

"We have to figure out what to do about this," says Picard. "It's an alien life-form breeding within Troi."

So everyone starts discussing what they should do. Worf is in favor of termination, because they don't know what kind of life-form knocked her up, and what its intent might be. Data is in favor of allowing it to come to term, and studying it as a new life-form. They argue back and forth for a bit. Both make good points.

Meanwhile, Troi is looking at the big screen where her ultrasound is being shown, and the voices fade as you can hear a heartbeat, and it's like she's being hypnotized or something. She kind of stares off into space.

Then she interrupts the discussion: "Hey, so, you should do whatever you feel is necessary to protect the ship, but I'm gonna have this kid." 

"Oh," Picard is surprised. "Okay. Discussion over, then."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Made it to the place where we're picking up the plague samples. Pretty freaking dangerous, but it's important, so we're doing this."

Troi enters the bridge, and she's hella pregnant at this point. Also, her clothes are not terrible. I remember what maternity clothes looked like in the eighties, and these are not like that. It's not a floral muumuu, and there's not one damn bow anywhere to be found. Picard and Riker are already treating her like a delicate thing, and it's mildly annoying, but also not.

They ask her how she's feeling, and she says that she should feel like shit, seeing as how she's going through ten months worth of pregnancy in a day and a half, but she says she actually feels awesome.

Wes swivels in his chair at the conn to look at her, and Riker barks at him to put the ship in standard orbit. I have no idea why that was in there.

They open hailing frequencies, and the medical specialist guy Picard talks to, Hester Dealt, is one of those weirdos that probably doesn't leave his own lab very often. He wants to look at the containment set-up on the ship, and Picard grants it, as long as Picard can look at the manifest of what Dealt is bringing onboard.

"Cool," says Dealt, and signs off.

Another freaking supplemental Log: "Been here 14 hours while Dealt looks at our system, and he refuses to go anywhere until he's certain that there won't be any growth during the voyage. In the meantime, Location #3 has been begging us to get a move on, because they need the antidote."

Would like to point out here that they're hauling the specimens to a lab (Location #2) to work on said cure, not that they have said cure already. As far as anybody knows, that cure could take years to develop, not hours, and in that case, looking over a containment system for a full day is not going to make much of a difference. Really, this would work much better if they were hauling both live plague specimens, and the cure, and there was no Location #2. Then you'd have sufficient urgency in the matter.

Data is making his way through the corridor when he comes across Troi, who is in labor. She asks him to help her to sick bay, where she informs Pulaski that "it's time."

Data calls security, so they can be present. When Pulaski objects, Data lets her know that Picard security be present for the birth, just to be on the safe side. Remember, doctor: Troi gave Picard permission to take whatever precautions he thought were best, because, you know... she's growing an unknown alien in her abdomen.

Pulaski says that the father is usually present for the birth, but this is a weird one, as Troi was impregnated by some presence - is the father the child and vice versa?

Data offers his services, and here comes the reason why I hate Dr Pulaski:

Pulaski: "Counselor Troi is going to need the comfort of a human touch and not the cold hand of technology."

Troi briefly gets this look on her face like, "Bitch, did you just insult my friend?"

But she smooths it over by jumping to Data's defense.

"It's your party," shrugs Pulaski.

 Later, Troi is in the birthing chair, and Data starts asking her questions. He's mostly uncertain of the bond between mother and fetus - he wants to know if she is aware of the baby's thoughts. I'm not sure if he's asking about humanoids in general, or Betazoids specifically.
Also, this pale pink lipstick is way more flattering on Troi than the orange. Let's just do the pink, okay?
She stops him mid-interrogation to tell him that she needs to have the baby now.
He calls over Pulaski, and much like in "We'll Always Have Paris," Data displays a panicked emotional response that he probably shouldn't, especially given that we've established that he doesn't have that capacity.

Pulaski asks if she wants painkillers for her birth, and Troi says she isn't in any pain.

Worf and the Gold Shirts show up, and Pulaski says it's fine they're there, but not to get in the way.

The baby is born, a little human-Betazoid male.

Pulaski asks if easy births are normal for Betazoids, and Troi quips, "Not according to my mother."

Then the doctor invites the security team in to look at the baby. Worf seems disappointed that the kid isn't going to try to eat his face. They leave.

Data sincerely thanks Troi for allowing him to witness the birth. Want somebody to appreciate your hard work? Invite Data to your shindig. 

Troi says she will name the baby Ian Andrew after her father.

Riker, who has been standing near the door this whole time, enters the room and genuinely congratulates Troi on the birth of her baby. I don't know how much Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis were friends in real life, but I completely buy that their characters were friends after a romance. It's a really lovely moment.

The next day, Pulaski visits the bridge, where she is greeted warmly by Picard, She sits with him and explains how Troi's pregnancy was different than any other she's encountered (other than the obvious, of course): she says that Troi had her kid yesterday, but if she were to do an examination today, she wouldn't be able to tell that Troi had ever had a kid. She also notes that the experience was both effortless for both mom and kid.
"Like it never happened."
Picard decides to "pay his respects" to Troi, so he and Pulaski go to her quarters. After Troi calls out that they should enter, Picard and Pulaski go inside.
"Hey, Deanna. Just wanted to stop by to check on you and... your four-year-old?"

Pulaski scans the kid, and says that he's chronologically one day old, but appears to be about four.

Everybody looks unnerved, including Troi.

"Ian, say hello to Captain Picard."

"You mean he talks?" blurts out Picard.

Rude. The kid is standing right there.

Of course, what he says next is kind of creepy.

"Hello," he says cheerfully. "Please don't worry. Everything is okay."

Way to make sure that everyone in the room is worried, Ian.

Pulaski closes her eyes momentarily as though praying for strength. 

Rude. Again, he's standing right there.

Picard makes a mildly terrified face.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

I have two things to say about Ian here.

Number one: how the bloody hell did he go from newborn to "looks like 4yo" without anybody knowing? How did Picard and Pulaski just find out about this? Like, sure, maybe Troi asked for some privacy, because she didn't want her kid poked and prodded in sick bay for the rest of his life, but how did she not contact someone about the fact that her kid was aging very, very rapidly? "Hey, sick bay, my 6-hour-old baby just taught himself to walk"? Or "the kid I gave birth to yesterday speaks in full sentences." Did she not keep personal logs? Contact friends on the ship? And let's face it: whenever someone gives birth, people are quick to flock to that person's home to fuck up the eating/sleeping schedule they're trying to establish with a newborn, just so they can look at the new baby and spread their germs all over the living space. Are Picard and Pulaski really the first ones to come see her?

Number two: holy shit that kid is gorgeous. Was the casting director told to hire a demigod to play Troi's kid? "Find me a kid with striking eyes and better hair than 90% of the population."

Another supplemental Log: "Rehash of what just happened while you were getting another Coke out of the fridge."

Data and Pulaski are down in sick bay going through the manifest of diseases that they're going to start beaming on board.
She calls him Dah-tuh rather than Day-tuh, and he corrects her.
She snorts.
"What's the difference?"
And Data gets a Sassy Moment: "One is my name. The other is not."
And then, because I didn't hate her enough after that initial insult, she does something that makes me want to punch her.
She is smiling, which makes it worse. "Is this possible? With all your neural nets, algorithms and heuristics, is there some combination that makes up a circuit for bruised feelings?"
AND THEN THAT BITCH SCANS HIM.
There isn't much of anything that would show up on a medical tricorder where Data is involved, so she's scanning him for comedic effect... for her own amusement.
Her "pleasantly surprised" attitude at the idea that Data would correct her when she mispronounced his name puts me in mind of an SS doctor telling a colleague in the same tone, "Did you know that Jews have feelings, just like regular people?"
Data briefly makes a WTF face?
His WTF face is politer than mine.

Then, like she didn't just do something that would earn her a trip to a room filled with rabid dingoes, she sits back at the laptop and tells him she doesn't recognize a certain symbol next to a disease. And because it's Data, he lets the insult just slide off of him and he informs her that the symbol is indicative of a genetically-engineered biological life-form.

Yay, Monsanto-brand Plague!

She mutters that it's "eager beavers at play," but he is unfamiliar with the term eager beaver. She explains that some doctor fucked around with the specimen just for the fun of it, "to see how bad bad can get."

She calls Picard to let him know the risks: if the most harmless of the specimens gets out, it will kill everything on board in hours.

He thanks her for the info, and lets Data know that he's needed in the transporter room to begin the transfer process.

Data excuses himself, and her parting words are to accidentally mispronounce his name again. Then she laughs and says "whatever," and I fight the urge to stab her through the screen.

Our next scene takes place in what I guess is probably a school of some kind, because there are alphabets on the wall. And just in case you forgot that this is a Star Trek show, they've used the TOS font on the English alphabet.

Ian is about 8 now, and Troi has dropped him off at the school so he could pet the litter of puppies they have there.

This scene doesn't really have any function, besides Ian engaging in some tactile experience, and the audience getting to see some shots of adorable puppies. Then Troi comes in to pick him up, and the teacher talks about how much he's enjoying his experiences, and OMG, she thinks he might have grown since he showed up! Then they leave because it's time for Ian to have dinner.

Okay, I have a quick bitch here about something probably unrelated, but which falls into the category of Were the Writers Not Paying Attention? To wit: why the fuck is there a litter of puppies on the Enterprise? I'm gonna give the 24th century the benefit of the doubt here and guess that people have wised up about the overpopulation of pets, and that, in general, they get their pets the Bob Barker Treatment. (And really, if they don't, how did the mom dog get knocked up? Are there packs of stray dogs wandering the corridors of the E? This will come up again in a later episode of TNG, and I'm equally angry-baffled by that episode as well.) So if most pets are speutered, that means this was probably a breeding program in action. But again: who the hell is breeding dogs on the Enterprise? Are these puppies cargo? Do they intend to drop them off with new owners at planets they visit? Or was it the plan to find people on the E to adopt these puppies? Assuming for an average litter of seven (given that these dogs appear to be Golden Retrievers), that means that the owner of the mother dog needs to find seven people out of a thousand willing to take in a large dog. While I know it's possible to live in a tiny space with a big dog (my friend had a Great Pyrenees in a two-bedroom apartment, FFS), the average quarters on-board the E appear to be about the size of a generous hotel room, which means finding homes for those puppies is going to be difficult. Further, where the hell does one walk a dog while living in a space ship? The holodeck? The arboretum? Do they anxiously await the ship stopping over at different planets so their dog can drop a deuce on alien terra firma? Data will get a cat eventually, but that kind of pet makes more sense on a ship, because it goes in a box. And there's a later episode that features two people living on a space station with a dog, but again: where does it crap?

It just... sets off my Spock radar. That shit is illogical.

Hooray, it's Chief O'Brien! Okay, technically, he's not Chief O'Brien yet - he doesn't even have a name. But he is doing a job on screen with lines. He and Data transfer the plague samples to the containment thingy down in the cargo bay.

Picard and Pulaski make another trip to Troi's quarters to see Ian. Troi is making dinner (read: she pushes a button on the replicator) while Ian plays with blocks at the table. Ian politely invites Picard to eat with him, then asks if he's ever played with puppies. Picard says he hasn't, but he's probably lying - who hasn't played with puppies? When Troi puts his soup down, Ian purposefully sticks his finger in the soup, burning himself. Pulaski rushes forward and hits his finger with the dermal regenerator while Troi hugs Ian. He's surprised that his face is wet.

Pulaski and Picard whisper about how Ian burned himself for the experience.

Picard decides to ask Ian about why he's there.

"It's dinner time," he replies.

"No, why are you on the ship?"

"I live here?"

"No," says Troi,"Captain Picard wants to know if you want to tell us why you came to the Enterprise."

Ian thinks. "No, not yet."

Troi walks Picard and Pulaski to the door, where she tells them quietly that he has the answer, but doesn't yet have the developmental capacity to articulate it.

We go back to Ten-Forward, where Wes stands in front of the window, watching the ship pull out of orbit. Guinan approaches him and asks if he wants anything. He replies in the negative and she asks about a specific beverage. Again, he says no. Then she remarks that he's leaving the E. He doesn't seem pleased. So she asks what he sees when he looks out the window, and he starts naming off astral bodies.

"You don't see your future?"

"It'll still be there," he shrugs.

And she asks again if he wants anything, and he gets pissed off.

"Why do you keeps asking me that?"

"It's expected of me. Don't you always do what's expected of you?"

"Yeah, because you have to think of others before yourself."

"Fuck that," says Guinan wisely. "Be selfish sometimes."

On the cargo deck, an alarm goes off.

"Fuck," says Dealt. "Something is growing."

"Crapcrapcrap," says LaForge. He calls Picard. "Malfunction! We're screwed!"

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

I only make supplemental Logs now: "Rehash of what we just saw."

Nobody can figure out why that plague sample is growing. Riker and Data go down to the cargo deck and Picard pages Pulaski there as well.

Hey, look! 3-D chess!

Wes and Guinan are now talking at the bar, and Wes seems much happier with his drink or dessert, or whatever the hell is in that giant glass.

They start talking about Guinan, and Wes says that everyone on board is curious about her, that she knew Picard before coming aboard the E, that she's really old, and that she's from Nova Kron. She replies that she only met Picard when she came on-board, but then dances around the other stuff. After a bit, it seems like he's flirting with her. But then they're interrupted when Picard calls Wes, and while I want to know more about Guinan, I'm okay with this, Having Wes flirt with her is kind of weird. But then he thanks her for helping him work through some stuff, and it's genuine and not weird.

Pulaski joins Riker, Data, Dealt and LaForge down in the cargo bay. They determine that the plague sample they have is most definitely growing, but they can't figure out why. Pulaski suggests that they destroy it, but Dealt says that isn't possible. Riker asks if they can just shoot that shit into space, but Dealt points out that it'll turn into a spore, and just float there until it hits a planet or another ship, then it'll kill all of those people. The bottom line: the E is super-fucked. In twenty minutes, it's gonna bust out of those fancy little containers, and within a few hours, it's gonna break out of that bigger, fancier cage thing. Riker calls Picard and recommends that if they can't get this shit under control, they separate the ship.

Pulaski asks to see the record on that particular sample, and they figure out that the sample grows when exposed to low levels of Eichner radiation. Dealt takes a scan, and says it's there.

"Then why did you bring that crap on board?" demands Riker.

"That radiation wasn't here before," replies a mystified Dealt.

But there isn't anything on board that produces Eichner radiation.

Troi is putting Ian to bed.

"People are worried," he says, reminding us that he's half-Betazoid.

"Yeah, I feel that too," she agrees.

"It's me," he says, sighing. "I have to go now, or it will be bad for everyone."

"What are you talking about?" she asks, confused.

But remember: half-Betazoid. She figures out that he's going to die and loses her shit, as you would too if your kid told you he was going to die right the fuck now.

She screams for Pulaski with her comm badge and grabs the now-inert body of Ian.

Pulsaki bursts in with Data and Riker. The doctor asks the normal questions - "what did he eat? Did he fall?" - but Troi says no. There isn't really a good explanation for "he said he was going to die, then he did."

Pulaski and Data both scan Ian with their respective equipment. Pulaski gives Ian a hypo, but Data says that he's the source of the Eichner radiation that's causing the plague sample to grow. A tearful Troi confirms that Ian said he was the cause of the ship's problems. After a moment, Pulaski gives her the sad eyes and steps to the end of Ian's bed with the others to give Troi some semi-alone time.

Troi holds Ian's hand, but then he disintegrates into that ball of light again, and floats into her cupped hands.

She holds it there for a moment, and it's obvious that we're meant to know that they're communicating telepathically. Then she smiles and the little ball floats away, out of her hand and through the wall, out into space again.

The others stare at her, then LaForge calls Riker to say that the plague sample stabilized. Riker thanks him, and they resume staring at Troi expectantly. She finally turns to them and gives them Ian's story:

He's an alien presence, floating in space, and got curious when the E passed him. He decided that the best way to get a handle on humans was to go through the experience: to be born and live as a human. He never meant any harm.

Riker asks about the moment when she smiled, and she says that he thanked her, and she told Ian that they would miss him.

Up on the bridge, Picard gives the order to transfer the plague samples to the lab at Location #2. He tells Data and O'Brien to get it the fuck off of his ship, ASAP.

"Good riddance," says Riker.

Wes grabs Picard, who is on his way to his ready room, and asks to see him. Picard grants it.

Down in cargo bay 5, LaForge talks to Dealt about the process of creating a vaccine.

"We may never develop one," admits Dealt.

And there you go, friends.

There was never any freaking rush beyond getting the samples from Location #1 to Location #2 in a timely manner. Basically, it's like filling an empty ice cube tray - the odds that you will spill the water in the tray go up the longer the tray is in your hands. So you move quickly from faucet to freezer. But you also recognize that if you're not careful, you're gonna spill it anyway. The fact that there's someone in the living room, whining that their drink is getting warm, is immaterial. You can't speed up the ice-making process by rushing the water-filled tray to the freezer.

The plague-ridden Location #3 calling the E was just a bit of lame Ship-Disabling.

He wishes Dealt good luck, then Dealt beams off the E, followed by his samples.

Picard is in his ready room when Wes enters. The acting ensign gets right to the point this time: he wants to stay on the Enterprise.

Picard asks if Wes has talked to his mother about this.

"No," says Wes. "I wanted your permission first."

"It's more complicated than that," says Picard. Riker chimes in to say they're ready to leave Location #2, and Picard shoos Wesley back to the conn.

A bit later, Picard leaves the ready room and takes his seat on the bridge, beginning a loud conversation of Sassy Moments.

"Wesley wants to stay on-board the E. I didn't say he could, because it takes a village. What do you think, village?"

"That could suck, with his mother gone," suggests Riker. "Who will make sure he does his homework?"

Troi, clearly feeling better, smiles at their goofy conversation.

"I bet Data could do it," says Picard.

"But who will tuck him in at night?" Riker asks.

Wes swivels in his chair, knowing they're ribbing him. "Come on, Commander."

"I will assume that responsibility," answers Worf stoically.

("Good night, sleep tight. And if the bedbugs bite, take them down like a motherfucking warrior.")

"Who volunteers to do everything else?" Picard asks. "You, Riker?"

Riker scrutinizes an anxious Wes before saying, "Yeah, I guess I can do that."

"Okay," says Picard decisively. "Tell your mother you're staying. She gets final word, though. Now let's get the hell out of here."

And a jazzed Wes pulls the ship out of orbit.

Okay, so there's a bunch of stuff to talk about with this episode.

Let's cut to the chase with the beginning: Deanna Troi was raped by a ball of light. And it was both treated that way, and wasn't. It wasn't violent, and she didn't struggle, but it was clearly invasive and disturbing, as we got the creepy-vibe music while she tossed restlessly, then woke up in a cold sweat. And she's unnerved by the whole thing... until she decides to keep the pregnancy. Then she suddenly forgets that a ball of light got non-consensual with her, because it pretty much told her that it wanted to be born. To recap: a ball of light floated through the ship, selected her as good breeding stock, entered her, got her pregnant with... itself, then encouraged her to keep the pregnancy so it could be born in another shape.

We briefly touched on the contentious issue of abortion, and notice that two guys who had nothing to do with the situation argued whether or not she should keep it. Granted, each of these men made good points, and each seems to have been carefully selected to raise those specific points. (Worf, as security chief, notes that the unknown alien presence could be a threat to the ship; Data, himself an unusual life-form, wishes to allow it to live and be studied.) Presumably, Picard called this meeting to discuss the implications of the situation, because it wasn't just a normal pregnancy they were dealing with. However, it is telling that two men immediately jumped in, ready to decide the possibly drastic turn her life might take. It isn't until she interrupts to say that she's decided to keep the pregnancy, that she's afforded any part of the conversation at all. Then it's all," Oh, Okay, then."  

Very interesting here that it became a Hmmm Moment: early chat rooms for fans hosted discussions of episodes as they aired, and the chatroom hosts allowed a civil discussion of abortion to occur, as long as everyone played nice and kept it Trek-based. Fans eventually got into a discussion about whether Picard was pro-choice or pro-life. (We never find out the answer to that question, of course. No one in that discussion is given a preference, not even Worf or Data, as we have no idea how they'd react to a normal pregnancy.)

Then there's the story of the ball of light itself: an alien decides it wants to check out the humans, so it impregnates a female with itself, is born, and later dies to save everyone on the ship.

And this is where I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose.

Really, Star Trek? Really?

Did you seriously write a Christmas episode disguised as sci-fi? I mean, it's less obvious than when TOS opened their second season with a Halloween episode populated with aliens who shape-shift into witches and warlocks. But did you really start out season two of TNG by writing a script about Space Jesus?

(All the more reason that I'm sad that I wasn't able to post this episode earlier, as you too could have spent your holidays reading about Space Jesus.)

Apparently, I'm not the only one with this same conspiracy theory, as TrekMovie.com suggested it two years ago.

As sci-fi goes, it isn't terrible. A bit like my least-favorite Ursula K LeGuin story, but the concept of an alien being born and living as a human in order to get the full experience is interesting.

Not gonna lie, the B-plot was just okay. I was mostly annoyed that they threw in a Disable the Ship that was completely worthless and added nothing to the story overall.

So that brings us to our changes. Almost all of the changes made were welcome. Troi, Wes, Riker, Geordi and Worf all received new looks/uniforms. And Geordi and Worf received promotions, Worf to Head of Security, and Geordi to Chief Engineer. And it's about damn time, too. They'd been doing those jobs all last season.

Not everyone was okay with those changes, though. One fan wrote that there used to be someone on the bridge who looked like him (Geordi), but now that character had gotten a promotion, and was sent off the bridge to Engineering. (This is assuming that that fan was not counting Michael Dorn, as he played an alien with a darker skin tone.) And suddenly, we have a problem: if you don't count Worf (alien), the senior bridge crew are now almost all white humans. Marina Sirtis is Greek, but plays a half-alien, and we aren't certain what her human heritage is supposed to be. Picard, Riker, and Pulaski are all white, and Data is modeled after a white male. Geordi is no longer part of the bridge crew, though he is certainly a senior officer, and his presence at the senior officer meetings reflect that. It seems like TNG was determined to have POCs present on the bridge, and peopled their non-speaking and minor roles with POCs, but I can see where that fan had a point: sometimes Star Trek goes a bit whiter than it intends.

This leads me to my most un-welcome change: where the fucking FUCK is Dr Crusher?

We got three versions here:

A.The official Star Trek story (told to the fans) is that Gates McFadden left to pursue "other opportunities."

B. Gates McFadden says she got a call from her agent saying that the show was "going in a different direction with the character."

C. She later joked at a con that she "disagreed with the writers, and got fired."

Either way, they got rid of Crusher, but now had loose ends to tie up. For instance, where did Dr Crusher go? 

"To head up Starfleet Medical." 

Ah, she was promoted.

What about her kid?

"He's staying to continue his experiences with the E."

(And let's not beat around the bush here: I'm sure there were plenty of fans who cried foul at the thought of Beverly exiting, but Wesley staying.)

Okay, and who is CMO now?

"A new doctor, Katherine Pulaski. She's older, has no romantic interest in Picard, and will sometimes break protocol because she's a scrapper. Oh, and she tussles with another character sometimes. A character that lacks emotion. She struggles to understand him. Also, she dislikes too much technology. Especially the transporter. Okay, she's a McCoy clone."

No, seriously. They tried to make another McCoy, because they had another Spock. But the Spock-like character here is very different from Spock, and they did not adjust Pulaski to fit with him, making her come off as a cold, robophobic bitch with the occasional sympathetic moment, rather than a cuddly curmudgeon. It seems rather fitting then, that Diana Muldaur would request to be listed as "Special Appearance By" rather than a regular cast member, despite the fact that she would remain a regular player throughout season two.

Dear Mother,

I've had a really weird week. I was impregnated by an alien presence, and then gave birth to it like the next day. Surprise! You're a grandmother! Just for feelsies, I named him after Dad. I'd send you baby pics but he was out of diapers before I could change the first one, and had reached age eight by the next day. I really had no time to take pics or sit down to write to you. Anyway, his being on the ship was dangerous, as it was going to cause a plague to break out and kill everyone. I'm still a bit fuzzy on that part. Anyway, he killed himself (sort of) to save us all, and then he turned back into a ball of light and floated off through the wall and out into space. It's a bit all over the place, and I swear I'm not drunk. It super happened, even if there really isn't any evidence.

I guess it's just easier to recommend that you read the second half of a Terran book called the Bible.

Still trying to figure out what the hell happened,

Deanna

Red deaths: 0

Gold deaths: 0

Blue deaths: 0

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 0

Sassy Wes Moments: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 2

Sassy Riker Moments: 2

Sassy Yar Moments: 0

Sassy Picard Moments: 2

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 1
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 2

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 2

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0

Fun Facts:
- The skant, only seen during the first season and a few episodes of the second, has morphed into another uniform option in this episode. Dr Pulaski's preferred uniform is a tunic over pants rather than the jumpsuit, but here we see yet another option: the skant worn as a tunic over dress pants.

- Some of the other powers-that-be on this show didn't like Riker's new beard as well as Gene Rod did, and they requested that he shave off 18% of it. That's not a typo. The actual number is 18%. How the fuck does one even measure out 18% of a beard to shave that much off?

- Along with robophobia, Pulaski's shitty treatment of Data might also be called automatonophia (fear of things that falsely represent human beings). Isaac Asimov referred to it in his work as the "Frankenstein Complex."

- Wes' new comm badge is all silver, rather than the silver delta over gold ellipse that everyone else wears.

- Troi's "pregnant belly" was filled with birdseed.

-This is the only episode in season two to reference Dr Crusher. She will be seen later in archived footage on a clip show, but will shoot no new footage for season two.

-The warp speed visual effect, seen by Wes and Guinan in Ten Forward, is debuted in this episode. DS9 will later add a flash at the end.

- From this episode on, the transporter will be energized by running the hand up a column of lighted bars on a touchscreen console. The TOS transporter was also run this way (sliding a bar up a lighted column on the console), but no effort was made to do this extra step in TNG's first season.

-The con and Ops stations in the front of the bridge now have upright, swiveling chairs instead of the reclined bucket seats from season one.

-The "triumphant" music from the first scene of this episode is from "Encounter at Farpoint." It is called Picard's Theme.

-This episode was actually a script rewrite from the aborted Star Trek: Phase II show. In that script, Chekov and Uhura are considered as hosts by the ball of light before it chooses Ilia.

Season 3, Episode 60 "And the Children Shall Lead"

"And the Children Shall Lead"

Production Order: 60
Air Order: 59
Stardate: 5029.5
Original Air Date: October 11, 1968

I realized tonight that my condiment choices actually match the level of awesomeness that I assign to Star Trek colors. The best condiment, which goes good with pretty much everything, is bleu cheese dressing. Second-best is mustard, which is good on hot dogs and sandwiches. Dead last, collecting mold in the back of the fridge, is ketchup. You're expendable ketchup, and you should be phasered off the planet.

Also, apologies for skipping a week. I meant to post this sometime in the middle of last week, but my wi-fi caught ebola or some shit. My friend Boy has examined my laptop and assures me that my connection is now operating at maximum efficiency.

*******

Kirk's Log 5029.5: "Got a distress call from this planet, Triacus. Gonna beam down."

The trio beams down. I can see the need for McCoy if it's a medical emergency, and maybe for Spock, if they have some kind of scientific problem, but Kirk is superfluous here, and I notice that they're walking into an unknown situation with zero armed Reds. We pan across the studio-built scene, which an outdoor space littered with seven adult bodies. And what's that I spot? Two of the females are wearing the clothing made for Dr Janet Wallace, one of Kirk's Old Friends. Good job recycling, Budget.

One guy stands up with his phaser. He's Dr Starnes and he doesn't seem to recognize Kirk before falling down dead. Bones finds a container in one woman's mouth and declares it to be poison. Kirk plays Starnes' last log entry, where the doctor rants about taking their own lives to rid them of the "alien presence within."

A group of kids coming running out of a nearby cave, laughing and playing. The oldest kid spots the trio and introduces himself as Tommy Starnes. Then they all join hands around Kirk and play Ring Around The Rosie in an area containing their parents' dead bodies. The writers probably picked that game as an association with the Black Plague. ISWYDT, Star Trek.

Kirk's Log, supplemental: "Buried the dead people. We're super sad about it, but the kids have zero fucks to give."

Bones thinks that the kids are in denial and that it could do permanent damage to them if they don't deal with the situation. He beams up with them. Kirk and Spock remain on the surface talking about things. Spock thinks that the scientists were encouraged to commit suicide by some outside influence.
"How come the kids weren't affected?" Kirk muses.
"Maybe those little shits were being threatened, or were promised some kind of reward for cooperating with said outside influence," suggests Spock.
They go into the cave. There's some random equipment, and Spock says he is getting some weird readings. Kirk says he is getting a creepy feeling from the cave. Because this is Star Trek, I'm gonna go with alien-disguised-as-haunting.

Back on the ship, Christine has been put in charge of the kids. Oh, Majel Barrett. You went from second in command to ship's babysitter. 

She hands out replicator tapes to the greedy kids, who pull them out of her hand like savage little monkeys, and who then run to the replicators to collect ice cream sundaes. She tells Stevie, the kid in blue, that she has a surprise for him, and she hands him a random tape for the replicator. He eagerly inserts it. When the ice cream comes out, he is disappointed, saying that he got coconut and vanilla, which are both white. She comforts him, saying that life is full of surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant. This is a good learning moment, but unfortunately, it goes to shit very quickly.

"That's your unpleasant surprise," she tells him. "Now you can pick your ice cream flavor and get a pleasant surprise." (It's not a surprise if you let him pick, Christine. That's a "choice." Learn what words mean.)

He asks for chocolate wobble (whatever that is) and pistachio. She starts to hand him the tape that's colored brown on one half and light green on the other, but then he adds, "Also peach!" She hands him the tape with the brown stripe, the green one, and a peach one. Okay: chocolate and pistachio actually sounds pretty good. Lots of people mix chocolate and nuts. But who the hell adds peach to that? Apparently, enough people that they actually have to have a tape for it. This is the future, friends. And in it, they eat gross ice cream combinations.

Stevie gets his new ice cream, which is much larger, and skips off to join the others.

I hate this tiny scene. It's bullshit. A woman (and a relative stranger) offers a kid some ice cream, and he bitches when he receives it because both ingredients are white. WTF? Is this Calliou In Space or something? I rewrote this scene because it needed to be done:

Christine offers Stevie a surprise, to which he eagerly agrees. He gets the ice cream out of the replicator and his face falls, because both the ice cream and the topping are the same fucking color.

"Life is full of surprises, Stevie," says Christine. "I offered you ice cream and you are disappointed. Now you are in for a unpleasant surprise. For being a total twatwaffle about the ice cream and for  being ungrateful, you now get nothing. Suck it up, buttercup."

And she walks the hell away, because that is how one deals with a complete Calliou.

 Really, Star Trek, if you wanted a small-ish situation to arise with the ice cream without making Stevie come off like a tool, all you had to have him say was, "but I'm allergic to coconut." Now he looks like a dick.

In the corridor, Bones tells Kirk that the kids are fine physically, but he wants to take them to a starbase to get them checked out by a shrink. Kirk refuses. He wants to continue investigating Triacus, to see what else they might glean from this situation.

Kirk enters the rec room and asks the kids if he can have ice cream with them. Christine brings him a dish, but he doesn't eat it. So she's a waitress now as well. Lovely.

Kirk asks the kids about Triacus. They tell him that the planet sucks, and that they're glad to be away, and that their parents loved it there. They give him a brief stare-down, then start chanting "busy, busy" before getting up and running in circles. Kirk suggests that Christine take them to their quarters to get some rest.

Tommy, the tall ginger, declares that grown-ups are assholes. The kids go with Christine, but Kirk keeps Tommy back.

He asks if Tommy's father was upset today, and Tommy says yes, but he doesn't really care either way how his father was feeling. He says that his parents loved it on Triacus, but that he hated it, so now everyone is happy, because his parents are staying on the planet (you know, cuz they're dead). Then he rudely tells Kirk that he's leaving to go to his quarters. Kirk asks security to post a detail on the kids.

In their quarters, the kids join hands and chant to a "friendly angel." An alien hologram thing appears.

"Good job getting on board the Enterprise," it tells them. "Now we have to get to Marcus XII, where there are millions of people. Some will be our friends, but everybody else must die, like on Triacus. We'll also kill everyone on board this ship, because they are not our friends, either. But first you have to control them to get the ship to Marcus XII."

The kids excitedly agree.

This is our premise, Trek fans: creepy kids try to take over the ship because they are being brainwashed by an evil alien presence. Good writing will save a shitty story, but unfortunately, this isn't one of those times. Would you care to rubberneck this traffic collision of an episode?

Spock enters the bridge with Professor Starnes' log entry tapes to show to Kirk. Starnes says that he and the other adults are anxious on the planet, but the kids seem to be fine. As the logs progress, he talks about how some excavations have been done on the planet, and that the previous race, which died out long ago, had perished from some natural disaster. But now they are starting to think that there may have been more to it than that. Tommy enters the bridge for some reason, and sees that they are watching the logs. He gets angry and shakes his fist a few times, as though he is pounding it on an invisible table. The log entry goes fuzzy and stops. Are you paying attention, friends? These creepy kids now have magical powers.

"Weird," says Spock. "It should continue."

Tommy steps forward and asks Kirk to take them to Marcus XII, because he "has family there."

"Nope," says Kirk. "Going to a starbase that's closer to us."

Tommy then asks if he can hang out on the bridge and watch, promising to be quiet. Kirk agrees, which is stupid. Then he and Spock leave, which is also stupid, and which you know was done to further this terrible plot.

Tommy walks up behind Sulu and shakes his fist again. Sulu, who is susceptible to drugs and suggestion and every other thing in the universe, quietly charges their heading so that they move out of orbit and toward Marcus XII. Mary, the little blonde creeper with the pigtails, enters the bridge and asks if Sulu and Chekov think they are still orbiting Triacus. Tommy replies that the viewscreen is showing them that they are still in orbit. Uhura looks up and starts to yell to Sulu that they are off-course, but Tommy shakes his fist at her, and now she thinks that they are in orbit as well.

Down in engineering, an altercation breaks out between Scotty and his crew because the cute little black kid now controls that section of the ship, and many crew members believe that they are still in orbit.

The trio is in Kirk's cabin watching the remaining Triacus entry logs. Starnes says that he actually called Starfleet to request a ship but couldn't recall what he wanted one for, and that's when he realized that his mind was being controlled. He tried to call Starfleet to warn them, but they realized that they had to kill themselves to get rid of the alien within. 

Spock says a warning was never sent to Starfleet, and that they made the decision to kill themselves quickly. Kirk asks about the dead race that Starnes and the others were investigating. Spock tells them that the old race was a band of marauders who were eventually taken down by some evil of their own making. According to legend, the evil is waiting for some new catalyst to awaken it again.

Is this horror, or sci-fi? Because it's trying to come off as both, and isn't succeeding as either.

Kirk thinks that the alien presence was trying to get Starnes to call it a ship, and that Starnes canceled it because he realized that he was being controlled by the alien. He plans to send down an away party to gather info on the surface.

Hope you weren't too attached to those Reds. Kirk beams them to the surface then realizes that they aren't in orbit around Triacus anymore, so he actually beamed them out into space.

*Pac-man death noise*

He then requests that the transporter chief beam up the security detachment, but there isn't anyone to beam up. Query: did one of those kids think to go into the transporter room to screw around with the mind of the transporter chief? Or did he just not bother to look at his instrument panel before beaming two guys into outer space? Spock checks the panel and sees that they are no longer in orbit. Then they check the bridge screen, which confirms it. Also, please note that they never again mention the security detachment, or go back for them. Kirk calls Sulu to ask why the hell they've left orbit, and Sulu tells him that they haven't.

On the bridge, the kids hold hands and turn a circle while chanting to the angel guy again.

And here comes the armless creeper angel again. Dramatic music! Commercial break!

The angel guy tells the kids that they've hit a snag because Kirk and Spock have figured out that they've left orbit. But he tells the kids (in front of everyone) that this is no big deal, because the kids control the ship now, and if they have to, they can call upon the "beasts" of the crew. He explains that the "beasts" are the fears of the crew, and that the kids possess the magical powers to make the crew afraid. Then he disappears.

Tommy sends the boys back to the rest of the ship to ensure that they keep going forward to Marcus XII, and Kirk eyes him. Then Kirk tells Sulu that they aren't actually orbiting Triacus, and that he needs Sulu to set a course for Starbase 4. Tommy shakes his fist, which I guess calls up Sulu's "beast," which appears to be... I dunno, knives floating in space or some shit.

Soooo, Sulu is afraid of this, or...? 

Kirk turns to Uhura and tells her to contact Starfleet and report that they have some little creepers that he think might be aliens or something. She agrees and turns back to her station, which for some reason has a mirror at eye level. Why the hell is there a mirror there? Oh, wait. Because they needed one there, to show Uhura as a very old woman. Apparently, she's really conceited or something, because her fear-beast thing is "getting older." Whatever. It's not as stupid as "stock photos of knives floating through space in a circular pattern."

Kirk tells Spock to send the message to Starfleet instead, but Tommy shakes his fist.

"No, that's lame," says Spock. "Everything is under control."

Um, not sure how Spock's regular behavior with him just refusing to call Starfleet is in any way a fear of his (he fears being insubordinate?), but that's his thing. Kirk tries to ask a Red shirt to take a terrified Sulu to his quarters, but Tommy shakes his fist and now Kirk is speaking gibberish. Tommy looks smug as fuck. Spock seems to shake the effects, but Tommy shakes his fist and now Kirk is afraid that he's lost command. Spock pushes Kirk into the lift and Kirk clings to him in a Spirk moment.

But then he just kind of gets over it. He and Spock exit the lift normally, and head to engineering, where Kirk tells Scotty that he needs to alter course. Scotty replies that the instruments are delicate, and that altering course could mess them up and that they "be lost forever." Is that really what the cute little black kid has convinced them? That they can't steer the ship at all, or they'll get lost in space? The kid shakes his fist menacingly, and Scotty growls at Kirk to get out, or he'll kill him. Kirk says that an alien has control of the ship, and an altercation breaks out between Kirk, Spock, and the engineering crew. Of course Kirk and Spock manage to throw off three Reds at once, because Rules, and they back into the corridor.

Spock tries to convince Kirk that they are still in danger, even if he himself is not feeling the "beast blood" thing. Kirk argues that they're just children and that children are innocent, but Spock gives us a fairly decent Hmm Moment here: "They are followers. Without followers, evil cannot spread." This gives Kirk pause, and he realizes that unless they stop the kids, they will be forced to kill them.

This is an opportune time for Tommy to come down the hall with Chekov and two Reds. Chekov claims that he has to place Kirk and Spock under arrest, by order of Starfleet.

Of course there's an altercation. And of course Kirk and Spock win. Spock takes Chekov and the two Reds to the brig by phaser-point.

Kirk returns to the bridge to find that little freckled fucker sitting in his chair. He removes the kid bodily, and they get into a shouting match over the crazy alien hologram thing. Spock enters the bridge and Kirk tells him to turn on the angel chant recording. When did they record that? Oh, well. Of course the lift opens and the rest of the kids conveniently show up. They stand there while the recording plays, and the angel shows up.

"Get the fuck off my ship," Kirk tells it.

"Make me," the angel replies. "Y'all are weak. The crew is too gentle, which is why we will have to destroy you, like we destroyed the parents. They were also too gentle to be followers." (No, seriously: he used the word "gentle" several times. What a weird word choice.)

Kirk shows the kids some video of themselves playing games with their parents at a picnic or something. Everyone is laughing and smiling, and happy music plays. The kids seem to be enjoying the video, until it ends with shots of their dead parents' bodies, which is kind of a douchey thing to do. The kids turn to look at the angel dude.

"It's cool," he tells them. "We killed them because they were getting in the way of our plans. They wouldn't have helped us."

Spock then shows the kids their parents' graves. They start to sob.

"No, it's good that they're dead," continues the angel. He's dug so far down that he can barely see out of his hole now. "They were weak, like the ship's crew." The angel's face starts to develop sores or something, and melt, I guess.

"Now that you're not receptacles of evil anymore," Kirk tells the kids, "all of the evil resides in him. See how ugly he is?"

That's... what? That's a kind of half-assed explanation of things, Star Trek. Where did that even come from?

"Fuck you guys!" yells the angel. He fades away.

Bones comes onto the bridge and sees the kids crying. He's overjoyed because now he feels as though the kids can be successfully rehabilitated. He's grinning from ear to ear. Bones, I understand that you're glad that the kids can be treated now, but your timing is terrible. He leads them off of the bridge.

Sulu and Uhura are clearly over their "beasts" and acting normally. Kirk gives the order to go to Starbase 4, and everyone poses for the credits.

The story for this episode feels sloppy to me. There's a "creepy kids with powers" thing going on, and then it's revealed that the kids allowed their parents to be killed because they're in league with some alien, for whom we never get any real information. Then this alien gives these kids the power to not only control the thoughts of the crew members, but also call up their fears. I get that Uhura is afraid of getting older and dying and disease. That kind of makes sense. As does Kirk's fear of losing control of his command. But Sulu - the fencer - is afraid of floating knives? What? And Spock just becomes lackadaisical...? The thing that kills me here is that Sulu, Uhura, and the engineering crew continue to cower for the rest of the episode while Mary Sue Kirk and Mary Sue Spock immediately snap out of it. What's the point in Disabling the Ship that way if you're not going to use it? And what makes Kirk and Spock such hot shit?

So this is how this breaks down: the science team is on the surface, studying the ancient race that died out. Some alien force that may or may not be part of that race shows up and convinces the kids to work for it. It drives the adults mad, and they kill themselves. The Enterprise picks up the kids, and the alien tells them to drive the crew mad and get them to take the ship to Marcus XII. It fails and Kirk shows the kids how ugly the alien is. The kids are sad. The end. The story sucked. Like seriously. It sucked hard enough that it could coax an elephant up a straw. We get one Spirk moment in the lift, but very little other times when the characters related to each other. There was one brief moment where Spock offers a Hmmm Moment by talking about how evil needs followers in order to maintain that evil, but there was no exploration of it. We didn't even get a moment at the end where the trio, or even Kirk and Spock, stand on the bridge and discuss it for a few. And that's all they had to do, just break it down a bit. But there was no follow-through. They didn't give a shit, so why should we?

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 2
Red deaths this season: 3
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 0
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 0
Total crew deaths this season: 3
Total crew deaths thus far: 47

So there's poster art of this terrible, terrible episode (as there are of many TOS episodes, both awesome and crappy alike). You can buy it on glasses and t-shirts and things. The question is, why? Why would you want a t-shirt of this awful episode? They also have t-shirts of "City on the Edge of Tomorrow." That was a great fucking episode. Get that shirt instead.

*******

Bought two more of those Tea of a Kind teas (they have four flavors, but there were only three offered at the store). Opted this time for the Pomegranate & Acai, which is made from a blend of white and black teas. This time I paid attention when I opened the bottle. A kid I was hanging out with at the time took a video as I twisted the cap off, and we laughed pretty hard at the video when the liquid squirted into the water in the bottle and we both instinctively went "Whooooaaaa...". As for the tea, I could taste the tea, the pomegranate, and the acai, but unfortunately the combination tastes like a cheap, watered down Grape Kool-Aid. Not great.

Before

After

This is the super-weird cap for these teas. All of the flavoring
is stored in there until you twist the cap.

http://teaofakind.com/