Season 2, Episode 37 "The Changeling"

"The Changeling"
Production Number: 37
Air Order: 32
Stardate: 3614.9
Original Air Date: September 29, 1967

So wandering the webs for a while now has been a brief article that gives one a glimpse into the Star Trek TOS character Bible. As in, the booklet given to people who might be interested in writing episodes. As much as I like the idea of  a group of writers hanging out around a table offering things like, "what if Kirk gets trapped on a some planet and bangs a chick and saves the day at the last minute?", that's not the full story. Sometimes they asked established sci-fi writers to take a crack at it. Sometimes they used unsolicited materials or bought short stories. Either way, the treatment would then go to their head writers, who would edit or change things, or just ensure that it was keeping with the full flavor of Star Trek. The character Bible gives brief information about the characters, situations, sets available, and who to contact in order to talk about science stuff.
Earlier this week, I was randomly telling Roomie and Dubs how I'd like to have a copy, just for funsies. Unbeknownst to me, Roomie then discovered online that she could get PDFs of each page, to be sent to FedEx to be printed and bound. She returned triumphant that night, telling me that having the booklet in her possession had earned her a nerdy conversation with not one, but two, gas station pump jockeys. Handing it to me, she stated, "I'm doing this for blog cred." Okey-doke, Roomie. You get a Command Gold Star.

And I now have the TOS nerd-cronomicon. Mwahahahaha!

*******

We start out with a mystery - the E can't seem to raise any of the 4 million people in the sector where they are currently located, including the Starfleet science team on one of the planets. Oh, no! Maybe it's a zombie windsock!

Sulu reports that they are being fired upon, and the viewscreen shows a wobbly white fireball making its way toward the ship. They take a hit, and the bridge crew does one of their exaggerated tandem tumbles. This time, though, the fixtures seem even more tilted, the falls a bit less rehearsed. I wonder if they've mounted the bridge set on a platform that can shift as needed... that'd be cool.

When they've righted themselves, Spock reports that the bolt of energy that hit them was the equivalent of 90 photon torpedoes, and that it traveled at warp 15. Kirk asks Sulu for evasive maneuvers, but the helmsman can't comply, as Scotty has diverted power from the warp drive to the shields.

They fire a photon torpedo at whatever-it-is that is firing on them, but the thing just absorbs it. Kirk is astonished. Really, dude? You gave it one where it gave you 90, and you're shocked that there was no damage? My 6-year-old nephew could do that math, and he didn't spend years in Starfleet Academy.

They take another hit of 90, and Scotty reports that they're toast if they take one more, so Kirk decides to try talking. You can't run it, outmaneuver it, or outgun it, and now you're going to try talking. Good choice.

While Uhura works on opening a channel, Spock reports that the thing is heavy, but is only like three feet tall.

"What the hell kind of intelligence could you have being that small?" asks Scotty.

"Size is no indication of intelligence," Spock reminds him.

Yeah, no shit. Ever hang out with toddlers? They're ridiculously smart. Good thing they aren't able to learn quantum physics. We'd be so screwed.

After a few bumps in the road regarding translation, Kirk is able to tell the thing that he's Capatin James Kirk of the Enterprise, that they're peaceful, and mean it no harm. It replies back that it is Nomad, and is also peaceful. Nomad asks Kirk if he will step outside to chat.

"Um, no?" says Kirk. "But you can come aboard my ship." 

"Cool," says Nomad, and Kirk grabs Spock, Scotty and Bones to come with him to the transporter room. They beam Nomad onto the E. I think it's a Kirby vacuum cleaner. That hovers.

 Dramatic music!
Nomad asks Kirk where he's from, and Kirk replies that they're with the Federation.
"No, dipshit," says Nomad. "WHERE are you FROM?"
"Come out and talk to us," says Kirk.
"It's not full of tiny people," says Bones. "It's a machine."
Kirk, why are you so stupid this week? Have you been chugging the Saurian brandy in sick bay?
"Lemme see your star charts," says the thing. It keeps ending every few sentences with "I am Landru Nomad." Maybe it's for Kirk's benefit. Maybe, because Kirk is being so unbelievably thick this week, it thinks it might need to keep reminding the captain of who he is talking to.
Spock says that there was a probe sent from Earth in the early 2000's named Nomad, but it was thought to have been destroyed.

Kirk takes the hovering Nomad to a room to look at star charts, dragging Spock and Bones with him. 

Ha! Pluto is listed on that star chart. I'm just gonna go ahead and declare that, in the future, Pluto has been reinstated. Suck it, IAU. Star Trek says it's a planet, so it is.

Nomad asks Kirk if he is from Earth. When Kirk replies that he is, Nomad refers to him as the Creator, the guy who programmed him. Bones asks what Nomad's function is. Nomad tells Kirk that his job is to sterilize things, to destroy imperfections.

"The fuck?" demands Bones. "You killed all of those people?"

Nomad calls Bones irrational. When Kirk replies, "yeah, kinda", Bones gives him a nasty look.

"How come you keep calling me Creator?" asks Kirk.

"Dude, let him," says Spock.

They leave Nomad with a confused Red, and move into the corridor to talk.

"Been looking up stuff in the computer," says Spock. "I think the Nomad was damaged in a meteor collision and repaired itself. It has mentioned an accident, and the Other. Also, I think Nomad thinks that you're the guy who made him, Jackson Roykirk. It's destroyed memory banks probably picked up your name, thinking you were Roykirk, and that's why it stopped firing on us. Nomad was designed to be a thinking machine, and to seek out new life-forms. But now it seems to be seeking out perfect life-forms, and destroying everything that doesn't meet its higher-than-high standards."

"Awesome," says Kirk. "It'll kill us all."

Mr Singh, the Red that was left with Nomad, gets a comm call from Uhura. While he's fetching her information, she sings "Beyond Antares" to herself. Nomad goes off in search of her when Singh turns his back. Can't say I blame Nomad. If you had the chance to hear Nichelle Nichols sing "Beyond Antares" in person, wouldn't you?

Scotty quietly calls Kirk to tell him that that weird vacuum cleaner is on the bridge. The OT3 heads off in that direction.

Nomad confronts Uhura, demanding to know what she's doing. Uhura attempts to explaining singing and music, but Nomad gets impatient, and scans her head instead.

"The fuck?" yells Scotty. And in an action of chivalry and grave stupidity, he grabs Nomad. Nomad then blasts him backward.

A dazed Uhura is hauled off to sick bay while Bones looks over Scotty. Apparently, he's dead, Jim.

"Nomad, what the hell?" asks Kirk. "I needed him!"

Nomad keeps referring to the crew members as "units". It thinks Kirk built his crew, like Dr Korby. Silly Nomad. If Kirk had built his crew, none of them would look like Scotty. They'd all look like Andrea. They'd probably be (un)dressed like her, too. (Although the female crew uniforms certainly look as though Kirk picked them out.)

"I can fix the unit Scott," says Nomad. "It's super out-of-date, though."

They upload all of the tapes on human physiology, and Scotty in particular, to Nomad's memory banks, and it follows Bones back to sick bay.

There's a cool shot here of the camera following Nomad as it follows Bones. I like this. It mixes things up nicely. Always welcome when they take a chance on a new camera angle.

Down in sick bay, Christine scans Scotty while Nomad hovers nearby. She tells Bones that there isn't any change, and he snottily replies that he can see that for himself. Christine treats him to the briefest eat shit look before all of Scotty's vitals shoot up. Scotty wakens and asks how the hell he got to sick bay.

Kirk tells Nomad to repair Uhura, but Nomad replies that she is undamaged. It just "wiped her memory banks".

Spock suggests that Uhura just needs to be re-educated. Kirk asks Bones and Chapel to do it, then tells Nomad to go with the nice Reds to the "waiting area" in the brig. Goodbye, Reds.

Later, Spock is trying to scan Nomad for information, but it refuses to allow him to do so. Kirk orders Nomad to drop it's shields and let Spock look at it. So far, Nomad has told Kirk that all of his biological units are chaotic, irrational and unpredictable. It calls Spock "well-ordered". Spock decides to take the compliment, which is to say that his eyebrows go up. Nomad agrees to the probing.

Meanwhile, Christine is teaching Uhura to read. I like that when Uhura gets frustrated, she lapses into Swahili. But I hate the wig that they put on Majel Barrett. It looks like a ratty tribble, and it's not even the same color as her hair.

Spock isn't getting anywhere with his scans. There's too much buried and inaccessible. He suggests a mind meld. Kirk tells Nomad that Spock is going to communicate by touch. When Spock talks during mind melds, he typically tosses out words or phrases that have to do with the other person. This time he mentions the name Tan Ru, and he struggles to disconnect from Nomad, even when he steps away. Kirk has to bark at Nomad to let go. Stepping out into the corridor to talk again, a shaky Spock tells Kirk that Nomad was damaged in a meteor collision, and encountered another probe (Tan Ru), whose directive was to sample and sterilize soil samples from planets, probably with the idea of colonization in mind. (Yes, Tan Ru is Wall-E. Heh.) Tan Ru and Nomad helped repair one another, merging programs, so that Nomad's new directive was to seek out life, and sterilize "biological infestations".

Kirk compares it to the mythological creature known as a changeling, wherein a fairy replaces a baby with a fairy child, and the new creature grows up as a human. "The only thing that's been keeping us from being "sterilized" is the fact that it thinks that I'm it's mother." They take off down the corridor for no reason other than to progress the story.

Nomad breaks through the force field in the brig and starts to float off down the corridor. When the Reds fire on it to get it to stop, of course it vaporizes them. Two down.

It floats down to engineering, ignoring Scotty yelling at it.

"Your ship is inefficient," Nomad tells Scotty. "I'll fix it." It interfaces with the control system and begins pushing the E to warp 11. The engineers are not able to stop it.

Kirk, who has been alerted to the situation by an engineering Red, strides into the room and demands that Nomad stop. When the robot replies that it is making the ship more efficient, Kirk replies that the E can't take the stress of warp 11 and will break apart. Funny that this stupid machine couldn't figure that out.

Spock comes in and reports that the other Reds from the brig are missing, and presumed dead. Nomad tells Kirk that his biological units are inferior. In his dumbest move of the episode, Kirk shouts back that he is a biological unit, and that he is the creator. Nomad pauses. Kirk makes a great "oh, shit" face as he realizes what he's done. Spock gives Kirk a look that says he'd like to slap the captain upside the head.

"Um, I need to think about some stuff before I return to the launch point," says Nomad.

Kirk orders him to go with another pair of Reds, who are now rethinking their choice to get dressed and report for duty this morning. The camera follows Nomad again as it heads through the engineering doors, toward the waiting Reds, who are backing uncertainly into the corridor.

"That was kind of the dumbest thing ever," says Spock. "It now views you as inferior. Also, it probably figured out how to get back to Earth based on those star charts, which means it'll kill everyone on the planet. Good job, moron."

"Yeah," Kirk admits, "that was a pretty dumbshit move." Knowing is half the battle, Kirk.

Kirk's Log 3614.9: "In my infinite wisdom, I set a killing machine loose on my ship and let it know that Earth is full of innocent people ripe for the picking. It would have been better not to come to work high today."

Nomad gets off the lift with the Reds. It starts to wander off on it's own, and the Reds call it back. When it doesn't respond, they shoot at it. It then vaporizes them. Reds are dropping like flies this episode.

Nomad takes a Jeffries tube down to sick bay. Kirk and Spock are paged there, and when they open the doors, Nomad strolls out, ignoring Kirk's orders to stop. Bones tells Kirk and Spock that it got into the medical and personnel files, and shocked Christine when she tried to stop it.

"It probably looked at your files and figured out that you're full of shit," Spock tells Kirk.

Scotty calls Kirk to report that life support systems are going out all over the ship, and manual override is blocked. Kirk tells Scotty to meet him in engineering with anti-gravs, then high-tails it down there himself.

Nomad is there. It tells Kirk that, by switching off life support, it can get rid of the biological infestation without harming the ship, which is not perfect, but can be made so. It is also refusing to answer to Kirk anymore.

This is, of course, where Kirk gives Landru Nomad an existential crisis, because that is how one handles a sentient machine hell-bent on killing you. Someone should have told Sarah Connor. That would have been helpful.

He says that, as an imperfect being, he created Nomad, but how can something imperfect create something perfect? (Let's hope Nomad is completely unaware of Renaissance art, shall we?) Kirk also reiterates that Nomad must destroy things that are not perfect. Kirk yells that he is not Roykirk the Creator. Roykirk is dead. This means that Nomad made a mistake in identifying him as such, and another in not recognizing it. Two errors makes Nomad imperfect. The fact that he then did not sterilize himself means that he made a third mistake. Nomad loses it's mind, screaming in helium-laced tones that it is in error, and must sterilize, and analyze.

Scotty and Spock rush forward to slap anti-gravs on Nomad, and haul him up to the transporter room. You know, when moving between decks during an emergency, I always wonder about un-filmed scenes in the lifts. 

Spock and Scotty hauled the anti-grav'd Nomad into the lift with them, struggling to keep it centered and balanced. Kirk bounced in after them, barking at the computer to close the doors post-haste.

"Transporter room! Now!"

The computer, sensing the urgency in his voice, propelled the lift in that direction, bars of light sliding past the frosted window panels. The men grabbed the handrails to keep from falling over.

"Error, error!" chirped Nomad. It did not struggle in the anti-gravs, but Scotty could smell a distinct burning scent wafting from the inner workings of the metal beast. He tried to focus on something else other than the impending explosion of Nomad and the possible destruction of the ship and everyone on it. He zeroed in on the music playing faintly through the lift's speakers.

"Which song is this?" he asked, more out of the necessity of having something to do than out of interest.

Spock paused, directing his hearing at the speakers. "I believe that is a slow, instrumental recording of "Carry On My Wayward Son" by the Earth band Kansas. The original is not quite this apathetic, however."

Scotty nodded. The song that he recall included guitar solos that spoke of youthful rebellion rather than a skip through a meadow. There was another pause, long and painful, as the lift made it's way forward, and the air continued to fill with the sound of dying machine and the smell of frying circuit boards.

"Captain," he said suddenly, "have you had your hair cut recently?" 

Kirk touched the back of his head. "Yes, um, last week. A little shorter than usual, but I thought maybe if I cut it shorter this time, it would be a little longer before I had to schedule another."

"Efficient," said Spock.

The others nodded, and time stretched out before them. The bars flashed past the window panels, but they seemed to be no closer. Scotty had decided that he hated this song.

"Soooo..." Kirk fished for something to say as Spock and Scotty shifted Nomad between them. "Spock, have you spoken with T'Pring lately?"

Spock's illogical human half wanted to ask Kirk why the fuck he would ask about the woman who had been screwing around on him and had forced him to kill his best friend so she could get him to divorce her, but his Vulcan half recognized Kirk's effort to pass the time. "I have not," he replied. "I assume she is well."

In another moment, the lift slowed to a stop and the doors opened, the computer announcing the deck. All three tumbled out as though they had been trapped inside with a gaseous Vogon poet.

"Slow-ass fucking lift," they each thought silently.

They haul ass into the transporter room and dump Nomad on a pad. Kirk eggs it on a bit more to commit suicide, and they beam it out into space, where it explodes.

I in no way received deja vu from this scene in comparison with last week's episode, where they beamed Piglet the Ripper out into space in order to keep him from killing everyone on board the ship as well.

On the bridge, Spock congratulates Kirk on his logic of using the same damn plan that he used against Landru. Kirk jokingly suggests that Spock didn't think he had it in him. Spock truthfully replies no, and it takes Kirk a second to realize what Spock just said. Bones enters the bridge to say that Uhura's education just hit college-level, and she should be back to work in a week.

Spock remarks that it's a shame that they had to lose Nomad, which was a cool instrument.

"Meh," says Kirk. "It was going to exterminate us all. Besides, why are you crying? That thing thought I was it's mother, which makes it my son. I should be sadder than you. It showed promise as a doctor when it fixed Scotty. My son, the doctor."

And Spock makes a face that clearly says that he wishes he had gone with Nomad, rather than continue to be trapped on this tin can with these weird-ass humans.

Death Toll
Red deaths this episode: 4
Red deaths this season: 1
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 2
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 8
Total crew deaths thus far: 24

There were two Reds down in engineering in that last scene, but I'm counting them as knocked out, because when Nomad killed the previous 4 Reds, he completely disintegrated them. Also, Kirk is seen taking one man's pulse, and then other Reds rush in and try to revive them.

*******

Took a trip to a restaurant this week where they served Numi tea, which I haven't found anywhere else. It must be other places, though, as you can order it online. I tried the Orange Spice, but the leaf base was white rather than black. The difference is pretty small, but with the white, which is less bitter, the spice and orange citrus flavors were a little more pronounced. It was nice. Bonus: it was pretty late, and I didn't want to be awake all night, which I would have been with a black base. Also, it's organic. Niiiice.

http://shop.numitea.com/Orange-Spice/p/NUMIS-10240&c=NumiTeaStore@Teabag@White

"I help you iron?"

Season 1, Episode 10 "What Are Little Girls Made Of?"

"What Are Little Girls Made Of?"
Production Number: 10
Air Order: 7
Stardate: 2712.4
Original Air Date: October 20, 1966

Kittens go in for surgery Wednesday. Just so that I can say I did my part for fundraising, gonna leave this here: http://www.petcaring.com/animal-rescue/rescued-vulcan-kitties-need-surgery-/35765

We're trying to raise a little extra so that we can pay it forward to other kitties with eye problems :)

******

We start this episode with the Enterprise in orbit over some blue planet (no, not our blue planet) and Nurse Christine Chapel is on the bridge. They've changed her hair so that the front is now a light blonde instead of the silver from before. It's much more flattering. Kirk says something about her giving up a career in bio-research, and she replies that she knows "he's alive down there." Kirk says that "his" last message was 5 years ago. Turns out they're looking for Dr Roger Korby. Two expeditions have failed to find him, but because this is the USS Mary Sue Enterprise, they'll totally find him. Unless, of course, dude radios in right after Uhura announces that she's been getting no response from the planet.

Captain's Log: 2712.2 They're orbiting planet Exo III. The Enterprise has been contacted by Dr Korby, who has been living in underground ruins with other survivors.

Korby requests that Kirk beam down alone, as he has made important discoveries of a sensitive nature. Kirk says that he's beaming down with Christine, and Korby sounds excited. Seems they've been engaged this whole time. Kirk is only acquiescing to Korby's weird request because Dr Korby's work is required reading at the academy. He seems to have a man-crush on Korby. Just before Christine leaves the bridge with Kirk, she catches an "I'm so happy for you" hug from Uhura.

Here we have two women who are friends and talk to one another, who have names,
but this hug is about a man. Bechdel fail. *sad trombone*

The pair beam down, but Korby is not there. As a precaution, Kirk calls up and requests a pair of red shirts. They leave one at the beam-down and take the other, Mathews. The trio makes their way through the caverns where they're greeted by Dr Korby's assistant, Dr Brown. Unfortunately, the red shirt falls to his death while no one is looking. They rush back to the ledge and Kirk stupidly asks if there's a path down there. No, dude. The bottom of this bottomless pit is lined with memory-foam mattresses and the sort of soft, freshly-laundered towels that the Snuggle bear likes to jump in. Maybe if Mathews subscribes to the Alice theory, he'll fall straight through the center of the earth and come out the other side, where people walk upside-down.

Christine calls him Brownie. Why do all guys named Brown end up with that nickname?
Do they secretly hate that nickname?

There's a furtive shot of some mysterious big guy, and - holy shit, you guys! It's Lurch! He disappears down some tunnel. Clearly in this Whodunnit, he dunnit.

Brown remarks "Aw, well. Sucks to be that red shirt. Who the hell are you, now?" Then he says "Oh, yeah. You're Christine. Let's go see Korby." Kirk is suspicious of Brown and radios the other red shirt to check in every hour. As soon as the red shirt signs off Lurch grabs him from behind. 

While Brown takes them to Korby, he talks about how the former inhabitants of Exo III were forced underground as their sun dimmed and the planet iced over. They became super-mechanized.

The trio enters a cavern full of furniture and they stop to wait. But when the door slides open, it's not Korby. It's a young dark-haired girl. She's wearing the same overalls a Brown, but without a shirt. The straps on the overalls serve as a shirt. It's a bit like a more-covered version of female game characters' costumes, and most definitely like something you'd see cosplayed at a comicon. I read a smallish interview, years ago, with one of the costumers of this show, who said that conveying sexiness was not about how much skin was showing, but where. It was about exposing skin that would usually be covered.

This new girl introduces herself as Andrea. Dr Korby comes in, and seeing Christine, immediately begins to make out with her. He introduces himself to Kirk, who asks him to list the items and personnel he needs to beam aboard the Enterprise. 

Korby is played by Michael Strong, who is one of those guys who's in everything. I swear I know him from somewhere, but typically, when I look him up, it turns out that the only thing I've seen him in is the thing I've just finished watching.

Kirk tries to contact his other red shirt, who is not responding. He goes to call the ship, but Brown pulls a weapon on him and forbids Kirk more contact. Korby agrees. He insists that his work is crazy-important, and then orders Andrea to grab Kirk. But the captain ends up grabbing her instead, and not in the way that seems part and parcel to his character. Turns out she had a little hand weapon, which he steals. He pushes her away, and when Brown won't back down, Kirk fires on him. Lurch rushes in and disarms Kirk. Christine screams. There's a hole in Brown's torso filled with smoking wires and burned machinery. Oops. Robot city.

Kirk supposedly checks in with the ship, telling them that everything is fine, but when we cut back to the caverns, we see that Lurch has thrown his voice to sound like Kirk. Korby warns Kirk that if he struggles, Ruk may hurt him. (I guess Lurch's name is really Ruk.)

Ruk is played by the awesome Ted Cassidy. While I'm sure he didn't get many "leading man" roles, dude had the market cornered when it came to giant, scary guys with deep voices. IMDB also says that he did the voice of Balok's puppet on The Corbomite Manuever.

None of this, of course, explains why Ruk is dressed like a Golden Girl on steroids. He's already huge, and they padded out the top of his costume. He's wearing what I can only describe as a lavender floor-length robe over a pink patterned dress. They went to the trouble of getting a big intimidating guy, then put him in bad drag.

Korby has Ruk imitate Andrea's voice, somehow thinking that this will convince Kirk that he is trustworthy. Korby is unaware of the definition of non sequitir. Ruk imitates Korby next, and finally, Christine. Korby gets pissed off at this last one, and chastises Ruk. He tells Ruk that he is not to imitate or harm Christine and a quick-thinking Kirk adds that Ruk should follow her orders. Korby pauses, then agrees.

Kirk demands to know what happened to his red shirts, and Korby admits that Ruk was programmed to protect his experiments, and killed the both. The captain then asks if Ruk is an android like Brown, which seems to offend Ruk, who declares himself superior to Brown and states that he was left behind to tend to the machinery built by the "Old Ones". Korby used Old One knowledge to reprogram Ruk, and build Brown. Kirk declares him nuts and tries to escape, but Ruk picks him up like a fucking rag doll and throws him across the room. Korby keeps Ruk from killing Kirk.

Andrea is confused as to why Christine is unhappy, seeing as how she's gotten her man back. Andrea uses the name "Roger", which appears to piss off Christine, and Korby requests that she address him formally as "Dr Korby".

Korby gets down to explanations. Andrea is an android. Andrea the Android? How terribly Stan Lee. He tells them that Andrea is a marvel, that she has a life-like pulse and physical sensation. Christine replies sarcastically that he built one assistant and one "mechanical geisha".

You live with a half-naked girl, and you can't figure out why your fiancee is pissed off.
For a smart guy, you're a dumbass, Korby.

Yes, let's talk about mechanical geishas. There's a conversation in season 2 of The Big Bang Theory that sums it up nicely:

Sheldon: Okay, then, riddle me this: Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year-old killer robot?

Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I dunno.

Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.

Now, I know this is kind of a one-shot throw-away gag, but Sheldon has a point. Why would anyone bother to make a hot android if the point wasn't to seduce someone (ie, the Fembots from Austin Powers or the "machine man" Maria from Fritz Lang's Metropolis), or to get some robot-lovin'?

Built for sexy times (and killing)

Built for killing

Built for seduction

Built for innocently helping Dr Korby with his work

I mean, it would be one thing if Korby had made two assistants, one male and one female, and made Andrea average-looking. Is it bad that she's attractive? No. But it seems like a waste of time to make her extra-attractive if you're only going to be treating her like an assistant. 

Now we come to the question, "Why do androids exist?" If it's a machine, and an intelligent one, why make it look like a person and not, say, a Cyberman? Comfort. People are more comfortable in dealing with AI when it looks like themselves (ie, Data from Next Gen). Okay, I get it: Korby wanted assistants that would be palatable to others. Would Christine have the same reservations about Andrea if she were fully-clothed and wearing a lab coat? Possibly, but it seems like her complaints would be fewer if ANDREA WAS WEARING A FUCKING SHIRT. I mean, damn - Korby fully-clothed Brown. He couldn't be bothered to find a shirt for Andrea? Like this, she offers "easy access", and being an android, she's probably programmed to just let you have it. Christine is suggesting that Korby is kinky like Skynet. I agree. She straight-up asks if he fucked Andrea. Korby replies that she's incapable. Bullshit. I'll bet she's fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques. (Yeah, I know. He meant that she's incapable of love, but you know he's playing semantics to sidestep Christine.) 

Korby tries to make his point by ordering Andrea to kiss Kirk, then slap him. "She only follows orders. She's totally logical." No one is convinced, so he takes them to the lab.

...Very innocently

"This is how you make an android," Korby announces. The lab has some machinery, but instead of an operating table, there's like a playground merry-go-round. A creepy dummy is strapped down on one side. It's lumpy and green and has no features and lacks the bottom half of it's limbs.

Asked and answered: this is what little girls are made of.

A naked Kirk is strapped down on the other side. (We got no shirtless Kirk last week, so they made up for it by featuring a naked Kirk instead.)

Hey kids! You too can have your very own android! Simply strap your friend to a piece of
playground equipment, add a foam dummy, and spin!

While the machine spins, making another Kirk, Christine complains that old Roger wouldn't have done this, that he considered life to be sacred. Korby completes the process by syncing New Kirk to the mental synapses of Kirk Classic. "I could replace the captain and no one would know," says Korby cheerfully. Kirk makes a rude, derogatory statement about Spock (really? Spock?), and to prove they are the same, the android repeats it.

They switch scenes. Chapel is sitting down to a meal served by Andrea, who declares that she is now programmed to please Christine as well. "Great. Could you put on some clothes, please? kthxbye." Kirk comes in and they sit down to talk. Christine is convinced that Roger is really Roger, that he's just acting oddly. Kirk broaches the subject of her possibly having to choose between Korby and taking orders from her captain, and she admits that she'd rather go hang out with Mathews than chose between them. Kirk pushes away his plate and declares that androids don't eat. 

Oh noes, you guys! Christine got duped!

The real Kirk comes in with Ruk and Korby, and he sits down next to himself. They've put New Kirk in the Starfleet uniform and Kirk Classic in their ugly coveralls. The two Kirks have a pissing contest about gastronomic delights, and Kirk Classic grills New Kirk on details of his own life. New Kirk answers correctly and Korby dismisses him.

Then Korby starts monloging, which is how you know he's the villain in this piece. He tells Kirk that he has the ability to transfer consciousness and soul into an android so that essentially a person could live forever. He needs "raw material", and wants Kirk to drop him on a planet with a smallish population so he can secretly churn out androids. That's why he was being subversive - he felt simply showing up on the Enterprise with his android-making kit would get him tossed into Bellevue.He wanted to give Kirk a demo and an explanation. He wants to do this crap in secret because he feels that if he introduces his plans too soon, there will be backlash from "uneducated minds". Now, I have to agree with him in part here. If you're going to introduce something new to a population, it's best to do so slowly and offer up information along the way. There will be some backlash, but you won't have wide-spread panic. This is the correct method for introducing new things. BUT it is not how one takes over a planet with androids. Especially when dealing with a race that prizes uniqueness.

See, kids? You can paint pretty much anything with the logic brush, but the crazy shows through in the end. This is why you find yourself nodding along half-way through Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal", but growing more disturbed the longer you think about it.

While Korby is talking, Kirk has unwound a piece of braided twine from the base of the chair he's sitting in, and he pretty much says "Yeah, fuck you, doctor," before lunging at Korby and trying to garrote him. They struggle and Kirk runs out into the cave system. Korby sends Ruk after him.

Christine is torn. Roger is injured, but Ruk is going to kill Kirk. She runs through the caverns screaming at him not to harm Kirk, and reminding him that he agreed to obey her. Lady, Ruk has zero fucks to give for you or the captain.

In the caverns, Kirk has hidden behind a wall and is pondering a stalactite. After some thought he snaps it off with a loud crack. You can't disguise this thing, you guys. It's a big pink schlong. And it appears, however subtly, to be anatomically correct. I have to wonder... did William Shatner piss off the writing staff? The prop guys?

Anyway, Ruk hears the noise and calls to him in Christine's voice. Kirk gives his position away and Ruk sneaks up on him. They struggle, and Kirk stumbles down a precipice, hanging on with one hand. Ruk considers him for a bit, then pulls him up.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk struts down the hall and into his quarters, surprising Spock, who was not expecting him back so soon, and who follows him. Kirk gets some stuff from a safe. The first officer asks him a simple running-of-the-ship question, and Kirk barks out the derogatory statement from before: "Mind your own business, Mr Spock! I'm sick of your half-breed interference!" Shit, dude. I know that bros rag on each other, but damn. Spock takes it in stride, but is suspicious enough to order a security landing party to beam down after Kirk.

On the planet, Kirk gives Korby the stuff from the safe and says that he's located a planet with a small colony that will fit the doctor's needs. I'm creeped out by the fact that Korby refers to people as "raw materials". Also, his plan has holes. In a small colony, does he think that no one will notice that gradually, everyone will have a doppleganger? Or is he planning to dispose of those "raw materials" once he's made each duplicate?

So of course the one on the ship was New Kirk, who is still wearing the command gold uniform. I want to say that his calling Spock a half-breed wasn't so bad because he's an impostor, buuuut... Kirk Classic said it first.

Stuck in his cavern quarters, Kirk Classic decides to seduce Andrea. She pushes him away, telling him that she wasn't programmed for him. He kind of forces a kiss on her, and she escapes just as Ruk comes in to intimidate Kirk.

Ruk admits that saving Kirk was illogical, and he's clearly pissed off that he had to follow Christine's orders. Kirk decides to fuck with Ruk's head. He asks about the Old Ones and Ruk recalls that the emotional creatures that built androids like himself became fearful of them and began turning them off. He admits that he destroyed what was left of the Old Ones, but that Kirk brought this new chaos, not Korby. Then Ruk has a revelation: survival cancels programming, and Korby invited Kirk into their world. Korby must be destroyed rather than protected.

Speak of the devil, Korby and Christine enter. Ruk prepares to kill Korby, but the bad doctor pulls out a hand weapon and disintegrates Ruk. Remember in The Man Trap when Dr Crater was talking about the salt monster and an ancient Earth animal? Yeah, Ruk was another space buffalo.

There's s truggle between Kirk and Korby, and some skin is scrapped off the back of Korby's hand. Christine screams. Ba-ba- BUUUUUMMMMM! Korby's an android. Show of hands: who's surprised?

Korby tries to convince them that he's the same dude but Christine isn't buying what he's selling. His impassioned plea is interrupted by an alarm and he pages Andrea to get a weapon and deal with it. She meets New Kirk in the corridor and offers to make out with him. When he refuses on the grounds that it's illogical, she vaporizes his ass. Interesting. We completely skip the "I want to live" speech given by the double this week because... he was offed by another double first.

(Aside: if they need an original person to make an android, and Brown was made from the first Brown, and Korby from the first Korby, where did they get Andrea's "raw materials"? Was she part of Korby's original team? She doesn't seem to have the same... depth as Korby. Korby mentioned that his own "raw materials" were dying when he was "saved". Was the original Andrea already too far gone for soul and consciousness transfer? Was she already dead?)

Andrea bursts in and reports that she killed New Kirk, thinking he was Kirk Classic, and Kirk Classic gets self-righteous on Korby, saying that his image of perfect beings is flawed because his machine men are running around killing others. To prove that he's not a machine, Korby challenges Kirk and Christine to test him, but all he can come up with are computations and transmissions. #androidfail

Feeling broken, Korby gives Kirk his weapon, but Andrea refuses to do the same. In her weird, convoluted way, she tries to tell Korby that she loves him, but he tells her that she is not a human and cannot love. That was kind of a dick move. I feel bad for Andrea. Presumably the first female she's ever met is bitchy to her (though for a good reason); Kirk tries to force himself on her and confuses the hell out of her in the process; and when she admits that she loves a guy, he tells her that she's incapable of such a thing. They kiss, and he pulls the trigger on her weapon, vaporizing them both.

Technically, as an android, you're not capable of love either, you asshole.

Christine sobs. This has been a shitty day for her. She gave up a promising career to join a starship in the hopes of going to the planet where her fiance was last seen. She miraculously finds him only to discover that he is some kind of freakish self-aware robot who makes out with a mechanical geisha before committing suicide in front of her. If that doesn't give you intergalactic PTSD, nothing will.

Back on the bridge, Christine tells Kirk that she's staying with the ship rather than pursuing that aforementioned career. Good. I like Nurse Chapel. She has gumption. Actually, most of the women on this show have some kind of backbone. (Yes, even Rand. Sometimes.)

Spock confronts Kirk about his use of the phrase "half-breed". He calls it an "unsophisticated expression", which is Spock-speak for "You're a douche-weasel, Jim. Don't talk shit about me again or I'll put your head through the communications console."

 They prepare to leave, and I am once again wondering what Kirk's reports back to Starfleet look like. I bet half the time they assume that he made that shit up.

******

This week's tea is Wild Sweet Orange by Tazo Teas. I think it's available in grocery stores. I had mine at an eclectic restaurant known for their cocktails and unusual cuisine. It's not super-heavy, but plenty flavorful. However, if you're looking for a hint of orange flavor, this is not your tea. But I would like to say that it's not Tang, either. I tasted a bit of lemongrass mixed in, and just the right amount of licorice (the right amount being "barely present"). It's available online as well if you can't find the one you want in-store. http://www.starbucksstore.com/tazo-wild-sweet-orange-filterbag-tea/000151598,default,pd.html?&srule=Featured&start=0&sz=16&prefn1=teaForm&prefv1=filter-bag&cm_mmc=Tazocom-_-WhereToBuy-_-BuyOnline-_-Evergreen&cgid=tea