Season 2, Episode 39 "Mirror, Mirror"

"Mirror, Mirror"
Production Number: 39
Air Order: 33
Stardate: Unknown
Original Air Date: October 6, 1967

"Geez, how often does Star Trek do episodes about parallel universes?"

-Rumor

Every time the transporter malfunctions, sir. Every. Fucking. Time.

We open on a alien planet planet, where an away team of Kirk, Bones, Scotty and Uhura is attempting to convince the natives to trade their dilithium crystals to the Federation. this alien race - the Halkans - are less than enthusiastic to trade, as they are thoroughly pacifistic, and fear that giving the Federation dilithium may end in violence for someone, and they would literally rather die than than allow that to happen. The Halkans have little to no bearing on this story, and it's obvious: this scene takes place in a generic garden setting, and the Halkans are dressed in a basic bohemian way. (Actually, I think these costumes may have been recycled from the "Errand of Mercy" episode. Points to you, Budget.) You know how we know that they're aliens? They have blue dots on their foreheads.

Kirk has decided to cut their talk short, due to the magnetic ion storm brewing. He assures the Halkans that he will not use force to take the crystals, then the away team gets into formation, and they beam up. There's a weird series of shots, strobe-style, where the E is facing right, then left, while lights flash. Then the away team appears on the transporter pad in altered uniforms.

There are stencils on the walls of a planet with a sword through it. And Spock is sporting a beard.

Spock asks a confused Kirk what kinds of weapons the Halkans have, and when Kirk mumbles "None", Spock contacts Sulu and orders him to train phasers on the Halkan cities, saying that it's a shame that the Halkans are choosing suicide over cooperation.
The away team looks weirded out.
"Rough beam-up?" Spock asks
"Um, yeah," says Kirk uncertainly.
Spock turns to the transporter tech, Kyle. He accuses the tech of not compensating correctly for the ion storm, and demands Kyle's "agonizer". Kyle begs for forgiveness, but gives Spock a small device from his belt. Spock then places it on Kyle's chest, which shocks him. The away team tries to hide their WTF? faces.
Dramatic music!

Kirk's Log, stardate unknown: "There was some weird shit with the beam-up process, and when we got back to the E, everything was changed. Spock is a psycho. This is bullshit."

Kyle scrapes himself off the floor and hesitantly tells Spock that there was a "jump" in power during the beaming process. It gives Kirk the opportunity to say that he feels strange, and that the away team should be checked out in sick bay.
On their way there, they encounter other crew members, who are all wearing gold sashes, daggers, and knee-high boots. They all give Kirk this sort of creepy Hitler salute, which he hesitantly returns. When they arrive in the supposedly empty sick bay, they openly discuss that some things are the same, but different. Kirk surmises that the storm must have switched them with their counterparts from a parallel universe while they were in the transporter.

You know, I didn't think that Kirk's wrap-around blouse could be anymore ridiculous, but clearly, this parallel universe has set out to prove me wrong. It's kind of obnoxious sleeveless, sparkly, and embellished like that.
And what the fuck is wrong with Uhura's boobs? She looks like a badly-drawn comic book character. I figured it would be difficult to make the female uniforms more revealing than usual, but again, I was wrong. Her ass is fully covered this time, but her skirt is really short in the front. I can live with her thigh-high boots, and her crop top isn't the worst thing that I've seen on this show. But her boobs are sitting in her throat, which is just awful.

Anyway, they try to figure out how to get back to their own Enterprise. Kirk asks Scotty to fuck up the phasers in such a way that it seems like they were damaged by the storm. He sends Uhura to the bridge to find out what his orders are from Starfleet. Then he and Bones go through some tapes to find out how this universe functions.
On the bridge, Uhura makes for her station, and is immediately accosted by the scarred Parallel Universe Sulu, who has all the charm of Khan, and you know how much I fucking love that guy. PU Sulu wants to hook up with Uhura.
"Bitch, get back to your station," she barks. She almost hits him, too.
All hail the Ship Goddess!

Kirk arrives on the bridge and Uhura whispers to him that his orders are to kill the Halkans if they don't give up the goods. Sulu already has phasers locked onto their capital city.
Scotty enters engineering, intent on screwing with the phasers, but a security Red says that the order to check the phasers has to be cleared through Sulu, who is head of security here. Scotty reports back to Kirk that the phasers sustained no damage from the storm.
Spock enters the bridge, demanding to know why the Halkans aren't dead.
"I wanna talk to them again," says Kirk. He has Uhura contact the Halkans, and he gives them 12 hours to change their mind and give them the dilithium before he destroys them. He plays the part pretty well, too, being a total dick to the Halkan leader.

"That was against Starfleet orders," says Spock. "I'll have to report you."
"Whatever, bro," says Kirk.
He asks Uhura to have Bones and Scotty meet him in his quarters, then he gets on the lift with Chekov. Because everyone in this universe is an asshole, Chekov and some cronies jump Kirk as he gets off the lift. Apparently, assassination is the way one gets promoted here. But the fight is short-lived, as one of Chekov's henchmen is a double-agent. He disintegrates Chekov's Gold friends, and when Kirk-loyal reinforcements arrive, they haul Chekov to "the booth".

Bones and Scotty meet Kirk in his quarters. They ask the computer if it was possible for them to have switched with parallel universe dopplegangers during a beam-up with a bonus ion storm. The computer agrees that it is possible, and they ask it to provide instructions on how to replicate the condition to switch back. While Scotty goes over the instructions, Kirk Googles himself. It seems he murdered Pike to get the captaincy. It's then followed by a list of murders and genocides committed in the name of the Federation.
"Wow, you're a douchecanoe," Bones tells Kirk.
"Wonder what our copies are doing in our Enterprise?" muses Kirk.
They're in the brig, that's what.

Because Spock is fucking smarter than everyone, he figured it out right away and tossed the Evil Away Team behind a force field. Evil Kirk screams like an animal and tries to bribe Spock.
"Bitch, please," scoffs the Vulcan before walking away.

Goatee Spock catches up with Kirk in the corridor.
"Heard about Chekov, glad you're not dead. I like you, and I don't want your damn job."
They pass Chekov, who is in the Agony Booth, which is pretty much an all-over agonizer. Kirk hides his "so, that sucks" face.

"You're acting weird," says Spock. "I don't really want to report you to Starfleet, but you didn't kill the Halkans. You have to do that to maintain control."
"I'll do what I want," says Kirk. "Also, I could beat your ass."
"Yeah, ditto," says Spock, and he walks away.

Meanwhile, Scotty and Bones break into engineering to recreate the ion storm conditions.
Kirk ventures back to his quarters. There's a girl in his bed who turns out to be the Captain's Ho. She's clearly part of the crew, but pursuing advancement through the vajayjay rather than murder. Marlena has hair of Rand caliber, if less ridiculous.

They discuss power plays and make out a bit before Spock calls to cockblock Kirk. Spock has gotten a secret message from Starfleet saying that if Kirk doesn't kill the Halkans, then Spock must kill Kirk, take over as captain, and kill the Halkans himself.

Kirk's Log, stardate unknown: "............. fuck."

Marlena asks Kirk if she should turn on the Tantalus field to monitor Spock. He agrees and Spock appears on a screen behind a sliding panel. This is the thing that gives Evil Kirk his power. If he presses a button on the Tantalus field, Spock will disappear without a trace. Kirk tells her not to pres the button. He says he intends to find a way that he and Spock can both live, and escape the wrath of Starfleet command. She drifts off into another room, and Scotty calls.
"Scotty, I'm screwed," says Kirk. "I have to kill the Halkans within three hours, or Spock will kill me."
"Forget that shit," replies Scotty. "We have a 30-minute window to get the hell out of Dodge, or we're stuck here permanently."

This shot is awesome. They added some kind of platform
high up in front of the engineering set. It's totally believable,
and I bet it didn't cost that much to frame it up.

Meanwhile, Spock has noticed a lot of extra computer activity going on in engineering. He asks the computer about it, and the computer replies that it's a project involving Kirk and Scotty, and that it's blocked from outsiders. Spock catches on to the fact that Sulu has been listening to his communications, and he calls the security lead.
"You got a message from Starfleet," oozes Sulu. "I can guess what it says. I'm excited. You kill Kirk, and then I become second in command. You're pretty weak. I could take you out."
"Listen, you evil little fuck," says Spock. "I have friends. Some are Vulcans. And they will rain the pain on your skinny ass."

In Kirk's quarters, Marlena comes out of the back room, and Star Trek once again tries to convince us that floaty, shapeless, and oddly patterned equals sexy. It doesn't. Stop it, Star Trek.

STAHP.

They make out. He says he has to go. She gets angry and assumes that they're breaking up, insisting that she'll pack her things and ride another man to promotion. He tells her that he's not ditching her, and then kisses her again. She says he seems different. He leaves her to ponder on that.

In the corridor, Kirk relays the plan to Uhura through a scrambled comm. She has to keep Sulu distracted so he won't notice the extra activity in engineering being reported on his security board.

There's a brief, awesome shot here of Scotty working in the Jeffries tube.

Uhura approaches Sulu and flirts with him. He gladly slides back into Khan mode until she notices that a certain light on his board is no longer blinking, then she backhands him, keeping him away with the dagger that appears to be a standard-issue Starfleet uniform accessory. She backs into the lift, barking at some random Red to take her place at the comm before the lift doors close. Uhura is a badass.

Oddly, the Reds in the background of this scene just sort of lounge throughout the whole thing. Apparently, sex and violence is a spectator sport on the bridge.

Bearded Spock catches Kirk in the transporter room, screwing with the equipment. Pulling a phaser on him, he accuses Kirk of acting weird since the beam-up, and that he will now be escorting Kirk to his rendezvous in sick bay.

Almost as soon as they get in the door, a four-on-one fight breaks out. There's another cool overhead shot of sick bay and the fight. They finally win when Kirk brains Spock with a skull. Heh.

Helloooo, obvious stunt doubles!

They only have 15 minutes left to get on the transporter pads, but Bones insists that they treat Spock, or he'll die. He says that it should only take a minute. This Spock is much like their own Spock (despite using an agonizer on Kyle earlier), so Kirk agrees.
Marlena watches them on the Tantalus field screen from Kirk's quarters. But uh, oh. Here comes Evil Sulu and a trio of Reds. Sulu's new plan is to kill Kirk and make it look as though Kirk and Spock killed each other in a fight. Then Sulu can take control of the ship.

Marlena aims the Tantalus at each of Sulu's back-up singers, and one by one, they disappear. Ooh, game changer! The away team easily takes down Evil Sulu. Bones sends the others up to the transporter room while he finishes up with Spock.
Spock is up within moments, and performs a mind meld on Bones to try to find out why Kirk let him live. Shit, dude. Spock didn't even ask. You couldn't even take him out to dinner before probing him, Spock? Damn, that's cold.

The others rush down to the transporter room, where they encounter Marlena. She wants Kirk to take her along. But he refuses, as the system was only set for four. She pulls a phaser on him. Uhura quickly disarms her, and everyone who was hoping for a drawn-out Dallas-caliber cat fight sighs in disappointment.

The power is cut. Scotty can bypass to auxiliary power, but then they won't be able to use the neat little delay that Scotty set up. Of course someone will now have to stay behind to work the transporter. (Seriously, Star Trek. That plot device is getting old.) Kirk volunteers. Because of course he does. Scotty tries to get away with calling him "Jim!", but he walks away, knowing that shouting that is something that's only allowed to the captain's boyfriends.
Bones enters at Spock's phaser-point. He had switched off the power, which he now switches back on. He will work the transporter, and send the others back. Kirk attempts to talk him into taking over the ship and sparing the Halkans.
"Maybe," says Bearded Spock.
The beaming process goes smoothly this time, and the away team returns to their ship in their regular uniforms.
Back on the bridge, Kirk and Bones trade their usual racist barbs with Spock.

The lift doors open, and guess who? It's Marlena, and her giant hair has now become a giant beehive. She's only been on board about a week. She gets Kirk's signature and moves on.

"Do you know her?" asks Spock. 

Yeah, he almost did her.

"No," says Kirk. "She just seems nice. I think we could be ...friends."

With benefits.

And he moves off to hit on her.

*******

Some thoughts:

- Kirk has worn that green wrap-around blouse pretty much every episode this season. Were these all filmed on Casual Fridays, or have they decided to switch him over to that shirt permanently? They seem to have made it slightly more official by putting black piping along the inside edge of that neckline. The funny thing is, in all of the official promos for the franchise, not once is he ever shown in that green shirt. It's always the plain gold.

- When the away teams switched places, the correct uniforms stayed in the correct universes. Since I kind of doubt that it was a special thing where only the clothes were not affected, it seems like their consciousness was switched over rather than their physical bodies. Let's imagine that. You switch over to the physical body of someone who is essentially you, but who has lived a different life. Maybe that body is slightly different. I can imagine that at least one person on that away team said at one point, "Hey, where did this scar come from?" or  "What the -? I was circumcised! How did that grow back?"

- I've never actually talked about Kyle, but he's kind of been there in the background since last season, showing up rather randomly. He has an accent that I've been unable to place, but the actor is British. Here's the thing about Kyle: he just kind of fits in wherever. He's been filmed in all three tunic colors, on the bridge, in sick bay, in engineering, and as a transporter tech. Kyle is a Fill In The Blank.

And now, awesome things I found out about this episode, from imdb:
In the wake of this episode, a group of child fans started a neighborhood-wide letter campaign suggesting that the concept of a "Captain's Woman" be carried over into the series as a whole, and requesting that Stefanie Powers be cast in that role. Eventually Gene Roddenberry's assistant had to write to the group's two "ringleaders", telling them to ask their parents exactly what a "Captain's Woman" was. 
That, my friends, is the sound of parents exclaiming, "You're never watching Star Trek again!"

It has been said that Star Trek was not allowed to show women's navels, but Uhura's navel is visible in the mirror universe. Reportedly, this was accomplished by filming while a PA took the Standards representative to lunch.
Not just Star Trek - it was every show. Watch all the "I Dream of Jeannie" you like. You'll never see Barbara Eden's bellybutton. Maybe the standards guy ate at the kraft services table on that show. Or maybe those guys were warned about that ploy, because Star Trek is sneaky as hell.

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 3
Red deaths this season: 9
Gold deaths this episode: 2
Gold deaths this season: 4
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 17
Total crew deaths thus far: 33

I'm totally counting the people who died on on the Evil Enterprise in this count, because, parallel universe or not, taking a commission with Kirk is dangerous as hell.

Season 1, Episode 16.5 "The Menagerie, Part 2"

"The Menagerie, Part 2"
Production Number: 16
Air Order: 12
Stardate: 3013.1
Original Air Date: November 24, 1966

I come from a service family, so I'd like to give a shout out to friends and family who have been in the service, have given their lives to the service, or are still in the service.

And a poppy for our mates across the pond

*******

So a lot of people argue whether this two-part episode is one episode or two. The DVD lists both parts as production number 16, which is certainly true, because both halves of the envelope were shot at the same time, and then edited together. But one could also argue that it is two, as together, it is two hours long, and required two one-hour blocks to view on television. Frankly, given that it's one episode, split in two, and enhanced with other scenes, one could also make a decent argument for it being three episodes. But just to illustrate how few fucks I give, and to make the blog easier to access and read in order, I'm labeling this episode as 16.5. Deal with it.
So in case you missed last week's post and are too lazy to scroll down and read it for yourself, here's the low-down:
Gene Rod and Co had a budget so tiny you couldn't find it with an electron microscope, and they were forced to utilize the un-aired original pilot episode, which had a completely different crew, and would make no sense when set within the rest of the series. So they cut it in half, wrote some scenes to go around the old material, and made two episodes very cheaply. It's brilliant in both story and budget.
So for the story, Spock has quasi-kidnapped the previous captain of the Enterprise, who is now a  thinking vegetable after being injured while rescuing orphans from a burning building. Spock has also hijacked the Enterprise to take this captain - Christopher Pike - to the planet Talos IV. To go to Talos IV rates one the death penalty within Starfleet, so dude is risking both his career and his neck by doing so. Kirk and a commodore - Jose Mendez - catch up with him and begin to court martial Spock. Spock's testimony for these deeds is shown on a projector in the make-shift courtroom, and is, in fact, footage from that original pilot. When we left off, the Enterprise was still under Spock's control, still hurtling toward Talos IV, and Spock's fate (along with Pike's) rests in the hands of Kirk and Mendez.
*A side note: the un-aired full-length pilot, "The Cage" was aired on television in 1986 under the production number "episode 0", creating a third chronology within the series... because they really didn't hate me enough.

*******

Kirk's Personal Log (because he's been relieved of duty by Starfleet command) 3013.1: Kirk recaps last week's episode, scarcely believing that Spock would act in that way. Mendez is butthurt because Starfleet has ordered no contact with Talos IV, but Spock tells him to suck it up because the Talosians have control over the screen.

We pick up on the broadcast where Pike awakens to find himself in a glass enclosure underground. An elevator in front of his case opens, and some Talosians get out.

I have to mention here what sound the elevator makes when it opens and closes. Do you remember those storybooks for kids that came with records or tapes or CDs or whatever they come with these days, that would read the story to you as you followed along? Do you remember when, at the beginning, the narrator explains that "You'll know it is time to turn the page when you hear the chimes ring like this"? THAT IS THE SOUND THE ELEVATOR DOORS MAKE. THIS MAKES ME IRRATIONALLY HAPPY, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. Nostalgia is a powerful drug, kids. Yay, storybook chimes!

Wait, I'm digressing: Talosians approaching Pike in the mime box. He's pretty pissed off, and he tells them who he is and that his ship is on Talos IV peacefully. Instead of answering, they communicate telepathically, calling him stupid, and admitting that they lured him in (like a pike, ha!), and trapped him there under an illusion. Of course Pike can hear all of this, because we're using this convo to establish that the Talosians are douchecanoes. They guess what he'll do before he does it, talking about him as though he wasn't there. Then they mention an "experiment".

In the briefing room, the crew gathers to discuss the situation. The surface of the planet is too barren to support life, so the crew is guessing that the Talosians live underground. They also guess exactly what the Talosians admitted to Pike, about reading human minds and creating illusions from them. A young gold shirt with an engineering badge suggests putting the might of the ship behind them to blast through the door in the mountain. The first officer Number One pretty much tells him to Make It So. Number One is a badass. Did I mention that? Yes? Well, not enough. I would totally follow her on an away mission. I would even wear a fucking red shirt, despite the fact that this crew does not wear red.

Down on Talos IV, the Talosians are watching Pike on a monitor, because Pike must never do anything that isn't witnessed by at least one or more people. So far, this episode is like a living Rococo painting. The Talosians see the recent Rigel VII mission and decide to recreate it. The background shifts behind Pike, and he's back on the surface of Rigel, which is played by this awesome matte painting.

A girl runs up to him, frantic that they need to get inside the fortress, and she tries to pull him there.

"WTF?" says Pike. "This was like, two weeks ago! Am I still in that damn cage?"

We switch briefly back to Spock, who confirms that the Talosians control Pike's brain and can create any illusion they want, using any or all of his senses. Make a note of this, kids: the Talosians run The Matrix.

Thirteen-years-ago Pike recognizes the girl in the Matrix as being Vina, the crash survivor. A giant scary dude in fur comes out of the fortress, and he and Pike engage in hand-to-hand combat. (I don't know why the execs complained that there was not enough action. We almost got Ripped-Shirt Pike here.) So the costumes are awesome, the sets look hella good, and even the music sounds more expensive. I can totally see why the network execs said "This is fantastic, but way too pricey."

The furry dude goes after Vina, and Pike kills it, only to have the Matrix melt away into the cage again. Vina is in the cage with him, wearing this cute-as-hell dress that I'd totally wear. They're being watched by Matrix agents Talosians.

The screen in the Enterprise  courtroom shuts off, and Spock explains that the Talosians can sense that vegetable Pike is tired, and are concerned about him. I'd like to point out that it was mostly just a good place to put a commercial, but they worked it in as motivation in the plot. Slow clap, writers. Slow clap.

Kirk's Personal Log 3013.2: I guess Pike took a nap or something, because he appears rested. Somebody probably watched him sleep, too. Anyway, the Enterprise is only an hour out from Talos IV.

Getting back to caged Pike, he asks Vina if she's real. "As real as you want me to be," she answers, but he calls her on that shit. She continues to try to sell him on the idea of having any dream he wants, as though she's got them all stashed in a giant trench coat that she's wearing. He asks if there's any way he can keep the Talosians from reading his mind, but Vina keeps her trap shut.

Meanwhile, Number One and some crew members are outside setting up a laser cannon. They turn the cannon on full-blast using power from the E, and shoot at the door in the side of the mountain. There's a cool bit of animated effects here, but the door remains intact. Dr Boyce* suggests that they blasted through it, but the Talosians have implanted the suggestion that they haven't.

(* Last week I identified the doctor from The Cage as being Dr Royce, which I got from the subtitles on the DVD. This is incorrect. He is listed on IMDB and in The Star Trek Encyclopedia as Dr Boyce. My bad.)

Pike and Vina strike a deal - if she answers some questions, he might pick a fantasy that they could act out together. Vina reveals that the Talosians can't make him do what he doesn't want to do, and that he can be punished for lack of cooperation. She says the Talosians moved underground hundreds of thousands of years earlier, when the surface was destroyed by war. It was over this time that they developed their mental capabilities. But their own dreams became stale enough to start a zoo of sorts, where they could relive and feel right along with their specimens. Pike correctly guesses that they need a matching pair of humans to start their own family unit. The head Talosian (Agent Smith) comes in as Vina is admitting that she's human, and they are meant to be Adam and Eve. Oops. Said too much. She screams "Don't punish me!" as she disappears.

Pike is trying to figure out how to break out of the menagerie later when a vial appears at his feet. Agent Smith (using his mouth this time) tells him that it's a "nourishing protein complex". He tells Pike to drink up or he'll be punished. Smith flexes his atrophied muscles, and suddenly Pike is surrounded by fire, his arms covered in what is either maggots or cooked oatmeal. Either way, it's pretty clear that it sucks to be him just then.

"I was hoping for the kind in the packets with the freeze-dried fruit!"

Pike grudgingly drinks the substance, then runs at the glass of the cage. Smith jumps back and Pike guesses that primitive emotions block mental telepathy. Smith leaves and the Matrix shifts again. Pike is back home, in a clearing with some horses, a picnic lunch, and a freshly-punished Vina. He keeps trying to wheedle info from her, and she keeps trying to make small talk about the weather and living inside dreams. He asks if primitive emotions block thoughts, and she admits that they do, but that it's not possible to keep it up. Girlfriend has been here for 18 years and tried it all. Now she's totally broken it, saddled and looking for a rider. Whether she's fishing for sympathy to win him over, or she actually does feel badly about it, it's effective. He feels for her, and says he's attracted to her. The thing is, the Talosians read her mind long ago, and selected him based off of her thoughts about the perfect man. Then she wonders out loud if he's not buying into the dream thing because  Rigel VII and home are both "been there, done that" situations for him.

Check this out: detailed foreground, cool painted backdrop, and actual horses. In the series that followed, with it's tiny budget, those horses would have been stagehands in horse costumes.

So the voyeuristic Talosians waves their hands and now Pike is an Orion trader. His fellow traders are skeevy, like casting directors with super-comfy couches. And there's Vina, dark-haired and green, as the Orion slave girl, dancing rhythmically to the music. It's probably one of the most often cosplayed female characters, right up there with bikini-top Princess Leia. Pike clearly wants her, and his fellow traders are pretty much egging him on to give into the Talosians.

He leaves out of frustration, and finds himself back in his cage. Green Vina appears behind him, and her look isn't so much "come hither" as it is "praying mantis."

Upstairs, Number One confidently gathers her team. "This could suck a lot," she says, "so if you want to stay here, no one will give you shit later." She's awesome, so no one backs out. But when they try to beam down, only she and a ginger female disappear. The Talosians have beamed them both into Pike's cage, and left the sausage fest behind on the transporter pads. Vina, now blonde and people-colored again, is hella pissed. She knows what's up. Pike isn't taking to her like the Talosians wanted, so they're presenting him with alternatives. Dude, I'd be pissed, too. "We found you the perfect man, but he doesn't seem interested, so we're giving him to some other chicks instead."

(Side thought: what if Vina had turned out to be a lesbian? "Find me the perfect woman to take as a mate. Then go out and find us the perfect donor man." The Talosians would have been so fucked. This thought makes me laugh so hard.)

Pike rips open the away mission jacket of the ginger girl, and she seems surprised. Don't lie, you were, too. We all thought he was gonna pull a Kirk. But he grabs her phaser instead, which doesn't work. Vina starts a bitch fight with the new girls, declaring the ginger to be stupid, and implying Number One is a computer. The irony of that line is delicious, as the actress playing Number One (Majel Barrett) provided the voice of pretty much every computer on pretty much everything attached to the name Star Trek. Smith comes in and tells Pike that he now has more selection with Number One and the ginger girl.

Smith says that Number One would give Pike super-smart kids, and that the ginger girl has "unusually strong female drives" and has recently decided that Pike is do-able. That must seriously suck for the ginger girl. It is not cool for a telepathic alien to announce to the whole cage that you are DTF. Tact: the Talosians lack it. Pike tries to block his thoughts with hate (probably because he's imaging a four-way), and Agent Smith punishes him. In the corner, Vina facepalms.

I think this might be the first recorded ST facepalm. It has since been perfected over the years...

Later, everyone in the cage is sitting around apathetically when Smith slides a panel in the wall open to collect their phasers. Pike grabs him and tries to throttle him, but Smith becomes what I can only describe as South Park's ManBearPig.

The Talosian threatens to destroy the Enterprise. Pike tries to blast a hole through the glass cage to no avail. He then turns the phaser on Smith and asks if he actually blasted a hole in the glass but Smith has covered it with an illusion. "Maybe," says Smith, and the blasted hole appears. They escape with Smith in tow.

The screen goes unexpectedly blank, and the court decides to take the opportunity to vote Spock guilty. Dramatic music! Commercial break!

The bridge calls Mendez to let him know they are orbiting Talos IV. Spock tells him the Talosians control the ship now. The screen comes on again.

Pike and the others come through the elevator on the mountain, where they now see that the laser cannon worked. Smart, smart Dr Boyce was right.

"Haha! We wanted you up here!" says Smith. "Now pick a bitch, hit that thing, and then get your asses downstairs to bring up plants to reclaim the planet's surface."

Damn. They have to be zoo specimens and help build their own cage.

"That's bullshit," says Number One. She sets her phaser to overload.

"Wow, okay," says Smith. "Hadn't banked on you choosing death over liberty. You're no good to use in our menagerie. GTFO."

"You're shitting me," says Pike. I guess that was all it took.

Smith tries to give him some kind of "you've doomed our race!" guilt trip, which doesn't make much sense to me, but Pike shrugs it off. 

"Let's get the hell out of dodge," he says.

The make-up budget for this episode must have been awesome. The head Talosian had air bladders just under the skin of the "skull cap" (ha!) to inflate and collapse to show that he was thinking very hard.

Number One and the ginger beam back to the Enterprise. Pike offers to take Vina, but she refuses, and time-lapse photography shows us that Vina is old and deformed. She was an adult when the ship crashed, the only survivor, but the Talosians had never seen a human before, and rebuilt her into FrankenVina.

Upstairs, Pike beams aboard. He tells his crew that Vina has a right to stay where she is, with her glamour intact, and they leave.

The screen goes blank. Kirk thinks for a moment, then turns to Mendez, who promptly disappears.

"Dafuq?" says Kirk.

Agent Smith comes onscreen to tell Kirk that Mendez was an illusion both on the Enterprise and on the shuttlecraft. Essentially, Kirk has been talking to himself for two days. That's fucked up. Smith says that the fake court martial seemed like a good enough distraction while they took over his ship.

Kirk is pretty pissed. "Spock, what the hell? You couldn't just explain? I mean, shit - I'm reckless enough to just agree to go along with it!"

"Naw, cuz then you'd be put to death, too," says Spock.

Then, in what can only be described as fucking convenient, Uhura patches through to read off a message from Mendez at Starbase 11. Given the historical information and Pike's current situation, they've decided to okay Pike's transfer to Talos IV, and nobody will get into trouble. Spock receives no court martial, Gryffindor wins the house cup, and the USS Mary Sue triumphs again.

Spock takes Pike to the transporter room, and far too soon for the transfer to have taken place, Pike is shown on the screen as whole again, going into the mountain with with a young, beautiful Vina.

In The Cage, Pike sees Vina go into the mountain with an illusion of himself, which will keep her happy. In this way, kindness is being shown to Vina. In The Menagerie, Pike is beamed down to become an illusion himself with Vina, and the kindness is done to both of them. 

Agent Smith bids Kirk a kind farewell, and all is right in that corner of the universe.

*******

Today's killer artwork is "Vina (The Longing)" by Isabel Samaras

http://astrocat.com/samaras/new_vina.html

I like that she's holding a photo of Pike. 

Can't afford a Samaras painting? You should get her book "On Tender Hooks", then you can have lots of her paintings!

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/listing/2689813795815?r=1&cm_mmca2=pla&cm_mmc=GooglePLA-_-Book_25To44-_-Q000000633-_-2689813795815

Or, if you're stupid-broke like me, you can get a postcard book. Take them out, tack them up on your wall, and when people ask about it say "I'm an art patron."

http://www.amazon.com/On-Tender-Hooks-30-Postcards/dp/0811866254

*******

And now it's time for a rousing round of "Are You As Awesome As Uhura?"

Champion Uhura

Are you moderately attractive? +1

Are you good at your job? +1

Are you a team player? +1

Do you have a innate sense of style? +1

Do you have a talent? +1

Are you immune to Damsel in Distress Syndrome? +1

Are you sane? +1

The score to beat is lucky number 7.

Challenger Number One

Are you moderately attractive?  Yep. She's a bit like Vivien Leigh - classic beauty, with slight Bitchy Resting Face. Also, Majel Barrett is foxier with dark hair, IMHO. For evidence, please access files for Lwaxanna Troi. +1

Are you good at your job?  Hells yeah! +1

Are you a team player? Runs that shit, but accepts suggestions from other crew members. +1

Do you have a innate sense of style? Rocks those Starfleet-issue pants and cowl-necked sweater. +1

Do you have a talent? Leadership skillz. Pike trusts her to run the ship while he's gone. +1

Are you immune to Damsel in Distress Syndrome? She actually offers her away team an opportunity to back out if they need to, while making it clear that she will not. +1

Are you sane? Absolutely. +1

Congratulations, Number One! You are as awesome as Uhura! Unfortunately your prize, as dictated by television executives, is to be demoted to ship's nurse. *sad trombone*

*******

This week's tea came from the Adagio Juicy Slices Sampler ( http://www.adagio.com/teabags/juicy_slices.html ). I tried the Citrus Green green tea, which is available on it's own as well.

http://www.adagio.com/teabags/citrus_green.html

So the tea is pretty light, but the citrus is pretty refreshing. It very loudly says LEMON & LIME, but it's heavier on the lime than lemon, which I liked. (I dunno, sometimes lemon seems super-cliche when it comes to tea. Also: lime kicks ass.) Try this if you enjoy green teas, and when you want something a little less delicate than a white tea.