Season 2, Episode 46 "The Gamesters of Triskelion"

"The Gamesters of Triskelion"
Production Number: 46
Air Order: 45
Stardate: 3211.7
Original Air Date: January 5, 1968

There are these scientists, probably guys who watched this show as kids, who are working on transporters. Like "Beam me up" transporters. They can transport stuff like, 10 feet. I'm torn. While I really don't want the kind of shoddy workmanship that leads to soul-splitting, Mirror Universe, desert-you-on-the-planet's-surface transporter fuck-ups, I'd also really like this guy to hurry the hell up. Imagine never missing an appointment again. Or being able to get your immunizations, then being instantly zapped to an exotic destination. Me, I'd like to be able to skip the nine-hour round trip involved with family functions (especially since the drive back this time included a two-hour delay due to road construction). I could save money on not having to buy two tanks of pricey-ass gas, and I wouldn't have to spend hours on the freeway, reading alternating billboards that proclaim Jeebus to be the answer, then proclaiming pot to be the answer. (I feel like both cannot be the answer. You have to pick one, like a blue pill/ red pill kind of thing where both of the pills are blue.)
Keep plugging away, transporter scientists. I'd like to go to Catal Huyuk someday, and I'll bet the flight sucks.

Beam me up, yo

*******

Kirk's Log 3211.7: "We're orbiting an uninhabited planetoid with electronic gizmos on the surface. Gonna take Chekov and Uhura downstairs to monitor things."

Again, I question why the freaking captain must go on this goofy routine check of electronic gizmos, but I guess as captain Kirk gets his pick of any number of fascinating, important routine checks.
"Mind the store," he tells Spock as the three leave the bridge. Dude, I love it when Kirk uses ridiculous human colloquialisms and Spock just nods like it's no biggie.  Just another day at the office for him, where every cubicle holds a dorky human.
So Kirk, Uhura and Chekov hop on the transporter pad, and Scotty preps to beam them down, but they disappear... and the sound effects guys select a "boi-oi-oi-oing" noise to accompany their journey to... somewhere.

Kirk makes note of the weird sky color (copper patina, I guess?), and the three suns, and declares that they are not on the surface of Gamma II, the planet they were orbiting.
Upstairs, somewhere else, Scotty is losing his shit. He comms Spock on the bridge to tell him that the away team disappeared, and gets a facetious answer in reply.
"No, dipshit," says Scotty. "I didn't beam them anywhere. They disappeared off the pad, and the cheesiest sound effect ever occurred."

Downstairs, across the universe, Kirk attempts to raise the E and is unsuccessful. A group of mismatched people come out of the rocks and surround them, brandishing weapons. Phasers are less than useless, and Kirk orders his away team to use hand-to-hand combat. Uhura, like a bad-ass, tries to take on two chicks at once. Unfortunately, she's outmatched, as is Chekov, who got stuck with some pro-wrestler. Kirk, ever undefeated, manages to gain the upper hand and dispense with his guy, but then he's knocked on his ass by a green-haired female. Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Kirk's Log 3211.8: "Here's a recap of all the shit that just happened while you were getting a Coke out of the fridge, because you didn't realize that your show had already started."

Another dude appears with a boi-oi-oing, this one in a vampire cape. His face texture is strange, almost like someone had painted his skin with Elmer's School Glue. Or hard-water deposits. Hard-Water Deposits welcomes Kirk and Co, and tells them that they will be important additions. He introduces himself as Galt, the Master Thrall of Triskelion. No idea what that is, though. He doesn't even give them his business card.

For the record, which ever way you try to pronounce the word Triskelion in your head, it's never going to be correct. I had myself convinced that it was most definitely Tris-kuh-LEE-un, or possibly Tris-kuh-LY-un, but it's actually Tri-SKELL-yun. I don't know why that matters. It doesn't. Forget it.
Galt and the others take Kirk, Uhura and Chekov to some kind of dungeon, where they're manacled to the wall. Collars are put on them, and Galt tells them that they were selected and transported to Triskelion to be thralls (I think he means slaves).

Upstairs, in a galaxy far, far away, Scotty and Spock are trying to determine where the others have gone. There is nothing wrong with their equipment, and there are no life signs on  Gamma II. Bones, because he lacks someone to heal or something, slips back into his role as Head Bitch in Charge of Whining That No One is Looking For Kirk. Spock replies that their best option is to keep looking and hope for the best.
Bones sneers at him that hope is a human failing.  Spock agrees and replies that after living with humans, some contamination is to be expected. Scotty looks like he's holding in a laugh at the use of the word "contamination." I'm sure most people on this ship are used to watching Spock troll Bones.

Kirk, Uhura and Chekov are shown to their sleeping quarters, which have bars and their names printed on them. They come off as horse stalls. Kirk makes a half-movement, and the three attempt to make a break for it, but their collars glow, and they fall over in agony.

We find out in the next shot that Galt the Armless Wonder has been consuming the Spice, just like that dick in episode one. When his eyes clear, he tells them that was dumb, and that their shock collars should keep them in line. Frankly, where the fuck did Kirk think they were going, anyway? None of them knows this planet at all, and they have no means of escape. Anyone else would have gone along with Galt, gathering information for an escape plan. But oh, no. There's Kirk, leaping without giving so much as one thought to looking first. Dumbass.

There's a brief scene where Spock and Bones give each other some grief, but it's not important to the plot, so we'll move on.
One of the other thralls, a guy named Lars, goes to Uhura's cage with a tray of food and tells her that he's her drill thrall. Let's look at Lars, who is part of this week's evidence that the costume department is on drugs. Firstly, dude looks like Christopher Walken in drag. I know that's not the costume department's design, but it's the case nonetheless. That pompadour is a bit Johnny Bravo. His jerkin is actually an okay design, and I would be down with it if he wasn't wearing short-shorts.

The hell it's not.

Lars enters Uhura's cage, and you hear her protest and their shadows on the wall showing her struggling against him. Holy shit, is he raping her? We cut back to Kirk, yelling for Uhura. It's a super-dramatic cut just before commercial, where Kirk is shown reaching toward the camera and yelling "Lieutenant!"
I know that Kirk is responsible for her, and that if Uhura is getting raped that they can't show that on tv, but dammit, why must everything be about Kirk? Might as well re-name it The Kirk Show, starring Kirk, Kirk's Old Friends, and All The Rest.

When we return from commercial, Lars is exiting the pen, telling Uhura that she is not allowed to refuse selection, and she appears to be just fine. So dude went in to give her food, and tell her that he was going to train her, and it seems like he grabbed  her, and both she and Kirk over-reacted.
Kirk's drill thrall, the green-haired girl, shows up with his tray, but she just sits in a chair and glowers at him.

Spock's Log 3259.2: "Recap, recap. Peeps have been missing for two hours. We don't know where they went or how to find them."

A gold sitting at the science station finds an ion cloud, and when they ask the computer about it, the computer returns with "hell if I know." And it doesn't. Nothing in it's known universe matches that shit. For some reason - I guess to save money on extras - the gold who was running the science station is now the navigator.

Chekov's drill thrall comes in, and it's the yellow girl. Her name is Tamoon, and she's clearly sweet on Chekov, but he's obviously repulsed by her. She's cute enough, but they gave her super-masculine attributes, and they seem to have dubbed her voice over with that of a feminine-sounding guy. I guess the point is that they wanted Tamoon to be masculine, and this is turn-off for Chekov? He's kind of a dick to her. She's actually really nice to him.
Let's move on to her costume, shall we?
Tamoon is goldenrod, with orange and white hair. She's matched her make-up to her collar-color, which is blue. But more than this is the fact that she's wearing a romper. I just got into a mini-debate on Facebook the other day about rompers. I feel like most one-piece outfits only look good on certain kinds of people, and look ridiculous and ill-fitting on most others. It is not my favorite look. Tamoon is wearing a pink-and-orange romper that's not the end of the world, which is to say that it fits her alright, and the silver accents are okay. The thing that puts her outfit over the top (for me, at least), are her matching pink booties, and the fact that that romper is paired with the yellow skin and orange hair. It bears the mark of Star Trek Ridiculousness. "Super-yellow skin and orange hair mean alien, yes?"

Kikr's drill thrall is the green-haired female, Shahna. He wolfs down food and asks questions. She tells him that Galt controls the collars for punishment and obedience purposes, and that the Providers will buy Kirk for their teams when he has been properly trained up. The color you get on your collar indicates who bought you. Shahna admits that she was born here into slavery, and that her mother was killed in a freestyle match. Kirk tells her that she is beautiful, and I roll my eyes. Shahna asks what beautiful is, and there go the eyes again. He shows her her reflection in a chafing dish lid, and tells her that that is what beautiful looks like. Seriously, Star Trek, I'm getting eye strain here. They're interrupted by a red alert announcing the training time, and I heave a sigh of relief that this shit is over.

I hate to keep dropping the narrative to talk about costumes, but Shahna's is the worst, and a clear illustration of some of the weird shit that Star Trek churns out while trying to answer the question, "How do we make a human look like an alien?" Eventually, they'll reach the conclusion that the best answer is forehead ridges (Klingons) or funny-shaped ears (Vulcan/Romulan/Ferengi) or fucking with the bridge of the nose (Bajorans and countless others). But those are later shows, and here, it's a weird skin or hair color and not enough costume. Shahna is wearing strips of tin foil, a boob sling, matching knee-high boots and gloves. Her hair is not only large, but badly-dyed green, and that color clashes horribly with her skin tone. It looks even worse with her mod make-up. Shahna is the epitome of Star Trek Cheese, and it won't stop with her costume. They've already laid the ground-work here with that "What is beautiful?" crap.

Scene: Bones yells at Spock again.

Galt stops the training when he brings in another thrall (this one dressed in cheetah-print boxer shorts and a long sleeveless tunic) that he says was slow to obey a command. As part of training, Galt tells Uhura to attack him with her weapon. Uhura tells Galt to fuck off and die. Galt responds by trying to have Uhura tied up for punishment instead, but Kirk interrupts by insisting that he is responsible for his crew members, and he will take it. So they tie him up and Kroog, the final thrall in the group, gets ready to whip him.
Let's look at Kroog. His costume does not suck. He's huge, has tusks, and wears a fur covering and boots. He's got a neanderthal look about him that I buy, and he's got a face only... fuck it, I bet his own mother slapped him when he came out. Kroog is a well-done alien.

There's a break, and when we return, Kroog is trying to whip a constantly-moving Kirk, who does a voice-over recap supplemental log, just in case you fell asleep sometime in the last 20 minutes.
They get a rest period, and Kirk sits down next to Shahna. Like the wizened old gym rat who mentors the young rebellious boxer, she gives him a swig of some kind of restorative drink, and tells him that Kroog's left eye is weak.
Back in the ring, Kirk manages to wrangle out of his ties, and uses the thong to strangle Kroog from behind. A disembodied voice interrupts. The unseen providers start a bidding war for Kirk, Uhura and Chekov. When Kirk yells that they are free people and belong to no one, they start wagering on whether or not Kirk will be trainable, and if all three will have to be destroyed due to unbroken spirits. Galt goes to our crew members, and his eyes go Excessive Spice Consumption. The plastic markers on their collars turn the color designated by their owner, and bahahahaha! They're all Reds now. *snort* How's that shit feel, Kirk?

Episode-padding scene of Spock sort of accusing Scotty's transporters of malfunctioning. Scotty tells Spock to suck it.
And now for the scene in this episode that I hate the most: Shahna and shirtless Kirk are jogging through the landscape in some ruins. Slightly out-of-shape Kirk begs for a rest, and he asks about the Providers. She replies that she doesn't really know anything about them, but that their bodies are not like thrall bodies. He tries to talk to her about stars, but she isn't interested. Then he tells her that they are slaves, and should be free. Having been raised on Triskelion, she doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. So how does he try to talk to her about freedom? By bringing up love. No, they're not fucking with us. This is where they're headed. Kirk finds out that Shahna doesn't know about love, so he's going to set out to show her all about it. With his penis. How often does he pull this shit? He tells her that love is the most important thing on Earth. I think most politicians would disagree, Kirk.

Shahna ends the conversation by telling Kirk that she doesn't think they should be talking about this, and he asks about the Providers again. She volunteers a bit of information, but then her collar glows red, and she's obviously being tortured. Kirk yells at the sky for the Providers to stop,  that it's his fault. The Providers break in to tell Kirk that they find him interesting, and they eventually leave Shahna alone. Kirk scoops her off the ground, and she goes grateful damsel on him, and they make out. You know, Shahna used to be a bad-ass, but then she took a Kirk to the mouth.
Then Galt shows up to cock-block him and send them back to the horse stables.

Scene: Spock is following a feeling that the beam that caught Kirk and Co is in another system, and is headed there. McCoy and Scotty think the others are trapped on Gamma II. They compromise: they'll check out Spock's hunch, but will also return to search Gamma II. I can't decide if these scenes are here to illustrate that the E is actually looking for the others; if the writers have added them in to give us a reprieve of the thrall story and Kirk's Quest for Space Nookie; or if the Space Nookie story wasn't long enough, and they're padding out the episode. These scenes seem unnecessary. Of course the E is looking for them - why wouldn't they?

Spock shuts them down by suggesting that they mutiny against him
in order to get what they want.

Kirk, still shirtless, is in his stable when Shahna brings food. She's weirded out by him now, but he forces a kiss on her. When she relaxes into it, he slugs her, then apologizes to her unconscious form. I hate you so much right now, Kirk. Fuck you.
He grabs the door key off of her, and lets Chekov out. The ensign has tied up Tamoon in his stable. So he and Kirk chose to go with the dick move, and exploit the feelings of the women training them. They let out Uhura, and it turns out that she's the only one who wasn't an asshole in her escape plan: she complained about the food to Lars, who went to report her. Kirk surmises that, if they can get their phasers back, they can use those to short out the collar. I hope the phaser is set on Fucking Obliterate when you use it on yours, Kirk. They only make it as far as the arena when Galt appears. His Spice eyes light up their collars, and they writhe in pain.

Upstairs, the E has entered orbit around Triskelion. Spock and Bones have decided to beam down to look amongst the humanoid life-forms that they detect, but they are blocked from leaving the bridge. The disembodied voices of the Providers welcomes them. The voices are heard on the planet's surface as well, so Kirk hears them talking to Spock. For whatever reason, he can talk to Spock on the ship as well. He explains that The Providers transport people from other galaxies to this planet, to train and fight for the Providers' amusement. He accuses them of not showing themselves.
The Providers decide that Kirk seeing them would be okay, and *boi-oi-oing!* he is standing (still fucking shirtless) in a cave with three colored brains. And hey, they're on the same planet as those lithium mines that were invading the space of the Horta. Good times.

Kirk sees the painting and surmises that this is the power source of the beam, hidden underground. The brains tell him that they once had bodies, but have evolved into a simpler shape, because of their superior smartitude. Now they're bored, so their only way of entertaining themselves is to kidnap other people, train them to fight, and bet on the outcome. Kirk decides to trick them by offering to have himself, Chekov and Uhura fight an equal number of thralls. The stakes are, if he and the others win, everyone goes free, and the Providers will educate the thralls and teach them to govern themselves. If they lose, he'll give the Providers the entire crew of the E. Okay, seriously? Those lives aren't yours to give, asshole. You seem pretty cocky about this, wagering everyone in the vicinity. The brains agree, but switch it up so that Kirk will fight three thralls on his own.

Blue is the sexiest brain.

Boi-oi-oi-oing. Kirk is back in the arena, to fight Lars, Kroog, and some random Andorian. The rules are that Kirk must stay in the yellow areas, and the thralls must stay in the blue. If you go into the wrong color, you lose a weapon. If a thrall is injured, he is replaced with a new thrall. The fight goes up on the E viewscreen, because why the fuck not? Things start up, and immediately, no one stays completely on their own color. Kirk takes out Kroog with a spear, then the Andorian throws a spear at Kirk, which misses and gets Lars. Kirk wounds the Andorian, so Shahna is sent in. Because Shahna is the only person in the universe who can fight, she knocks Kirk on his ass. But she is unable to make the kill shot, and he ends up taking her to the ground, a knife at her throat. Shahna declares that the thralls surrender. One would think that the brains wouldn't accept this outcome, but because there are only two and a half minutes left before the credits roll on this episode, they do. The E is free, and the thralls as well. The brains will show the thralls how to make a home for themselves.

Kirk apologizes to Shahna, saying that he hopes she'll understand that he didn't lie to her, he was just doing what he had to escape. Of course she doesn't fucking understand. And now that she knows what love is, and how much it sucks ass, the next time someone suggests these kinds of activities, she'll think back to this one asshole who told her about this wonderful thing, and then ripped her heart out. She'll probably wind up in therapy, you douche. She lies and says she understands a bit, but that she would like to go with him. He replies that he can't, mostly because he was using her, and the love thing was a ruse that he doesn't want to keep up. So he kisses her again, and Scotty beams the three up.

Chekov and Uhura look like they don't buy his shit, either.

We're left with a Girl-O-Vision shot of Shahna, looking up to where Kirk beamed from, and she says "Good-bye, Jim Kirk. I will stay here and learn some shit and remember how you fucked me over, even though it's suggested that I will remember you fondly, because that's how bullshitty romantic movies work." A single tear rolls down her cheek, and I vomit copiously at this hackneyed crap.

Congratulations, Gamesters of Triskelion! You win the prize for being the Cheesiest Episode So Far! Let's see why:

-premise of slaves being used to fight for masters' amusement been done before (Bread and Circuses);

-multiple excuses for Kirk to wander around in a ripped shirt/shirtless;

-use of the "boing" sound effect, which is best used in cartoons that are not being asked to be taken     seriously;

-girl does not know what love is, and Kirk takes it upon himself to "educate" her - premise used on a semi-regular basis;

-girl who starts out as a badass turns into a damsel;

-villains turn out to be talking brains;

-costumes kind of typically "Star Trek awful";

-end shot is of single tear running down girl's cheek because fucking Kirk left, rather than girl shaking fist at sky and yelling "good riddance!"

Things that make this episode more watchable:

-Uhura given a larger part than usual;

- ...?

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 12
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 19
Total crew deaths thus far: 36

Just thralls this time. I feel like I was promised a Red bloodbath, but got a drippy faucet instead. Maybe I should switch to GoT.

*******

This week's tea is the Gold Peak brand, and I've been curious because you can find this brand in Carl's Jr restaurants. Only they're not in the fountains like Fuze or Nestea, they're in a sort of coffee urn with their logo on the front. I wondered if Gold Peak was sending loose leaf tea or even giant bags to CJ's, and having them brew it there. What's more, I wondered if GP brand was actual tea, or just tea flavor. 

I can't find any info if they brew it in-store or not, but it's not tea-flavored. While it doesn't specify the leaf base, it has the slightly bitter after-taste of black leaf, so I'm gonna guess that it's real tea. It's pretty good. I thought maybe they would have it in Hardee's, which is what they call Carl's Jr in some parts of the country, but it wasn't listed on the Hardees menu. Why is this fancy-ish tea even IN fast food restaurants? It's owned by Coke. Anyway, it comes in a bunch of flavors that I've seen in grocery stores, and also on their website (though it only comes in one flavor -unsweetened- if you get it at Carl's Jr).

http://www.goldpeaktea.com/

My grandma is allergic to cats, so she keeps this little faux kitten
on her guest bed. I think it's made from angora. It's so fluffy, I'm
gonna die.

Season 2, Episode 34 "Amok Time"

"Amok Time"
Production Number: 34
Air Order: 30
Stardate: 3372.7
Original Air Date: September 15, 1967

I feel like the title for this episode should come with an exclamation point: "Hey kids, it's Amok Time! Hooray, time to go amok!" Of course, my mind swiftly follows that thought with one of Sarah Jessica Parker jumping up and down singing "amok, amok, amok, amok..."

It was in searching for this image that I realized that not one person
on the internet knows how to spell the word "amok". My inner
grammar nerd wants to smack a bitch.

*******

We start out casually this week, with Bones catching Kirk as he climbs out of a Jeffries tube.

"Spock is PMSing," says Bones. "He won't eat, and he won't come in for a physical."

Kirk brushes it off with, "Vulcans are weird."

Christine comes by with a tray of plomeek soup for Spock, and when the boys give her shit about it, she trips over her own tongue, mumbling about finding something that Spock might eat. I guess this is supposed to be a continuation of her "confession" from The Naked Now. I still don't ship that.

Unfortunately, when she tries to give it to him, she runs from his quarters as the soup hits the wall.

"Bitch, did I say I was hungry?" he roars. Seeing Kirk, he snaps, "Your ass is dropping me on Vulcan on the way to wherever the hell we're going."

Kirk and Spock are arguing in Spock's quarters after the credit break. Spock is being super-bitchy, and Kirk is throwing fuel on the fire by yelling back.

"Why do you need a vacation now?" he demands. "You've never taken one before."

Sounds like a good enough reason right there. Just give the man his damn leave.

"Just because," says Spock tersely. He's grasping a shiv behind his back.

"Yeah, okay," says Kirk finally. And when he leans over to call the helm to get them to head for Vulcan, Kirk notices the knife.

Spock thanks Kirk as the captain leaves, then turns to his creepy display of serial killer weapons and weird statues.

Kirk's Log 3372.7: "Spock needs Midol, or whatever it is that Vulcans take. Vidol? Anyway, we're taking him home."

No go, actually. A message comes in on the bridge that the inauguration ceremony that they were headed for on Altair VI has been pushed up by a week.

"We won't have time to go to Vulcan first," says Chekov.

"Ah, well," says Kirk. "We can go to Vulcan later. Sucks to be you, Spock."

"That does suck," Spock replies.

Kirk is lying in bed later when he calls the helm to ask Chekov how late they will be in getting to Altair VI if they divert to Vulcan to drop off Spock.
"Dude, we're already going to Vulcan," Chekov replies. "Spock made it so."
Kirk redirects them back to Altair VI, and fetches Spock from the bridge, dragging him into the lift. "WTF? Why did you change my order?"
Spock is confused. "I don't remember giving that order, but if you say so..."

Kirk orders him to report to sick bay. When he gets off the lift, Spock meanders through the halls until he reaches sick bay, where McCoy is ready to examine him. Spock tries to play semantics ("I reported to sick bay, now I'm going back to my room"), but Bones shuts him down with logic, so Spock gets on the exam table.

There's a fun scene in here where Sulu and Chekov bitch about the back and forth of their journey. Chekov thinks he might get space sick. It makes me wonder what kind of barf bags they have on the Enterprise. Are they Red? Shiny? Furry? Draped in fabric? Torn in a sexy way, revealing barf bag nipples?

Bones rushes into Kirk's room and announces that if Spock doesn't get back to Vulcan within a week, he'll die.

Dramatic music! Then The Shat employs one of his world-famous pauses. "Why................... must he die?"

I mean, dude is known for these pauses. There's even a game one can play called "Shatnering", where someone calls out "Shatner!", and you have to immediately overact whatever it is you're doing. But this pause is astronomical. You know what happened during that pause? Spock died. Also, Rome was built. And Europe had time to re-populate after the Black Plague.

So Kirk asks Bones why Spock will die and (years later) Bones replies that he doesn't know, that Spock has a weird imbalance, and is aware of what is causing it, but that he won't tell anyone. Kirk rushes to Spock's quarters.

Spock tells Kirk that it's none of his business, and Kirk swears to keep his mouth shut. Spock tries to dance around a conversation about birds and bees and eagles and salmon, and I have to appreciate the skill of these two actors, because this scene is more awkward than a British sitcom. Spock finally reveals that he has to take a wife and mate with her or he'll die. Kirk pinky-swears to keep the secret and leaves.

For a guy who has as much sex as has been implied, Kirk is sure
squidgy talking about it.

On the bridge, Chekov looks at Sulu and says "This job, dude. Dude, this job." Uhura attempts to call Spock with ship's business, and he crushes the communicator screen. In sick bay, Kirk tries to convince Starfleet command to let them go to Vulcan before going to Altair VI. The admiral he speaks with tells him that it's an important diplomatic mission, and that they're not going to Vulcan. Kirk turns off the monitor.

"Fuck that noise," he tells Bones. "Two other ships are going to Altair. We won't be missed. Pack your sunscreen, dude. We're going to Vulcan."

Overhearing, Christine runs to Spock's quarters to tell him the good news. He's in a weird mood, just getting out of bed, and he says that he was just dreaming that she had something to tell him, but that he couldn't hear her. Then he says that it would be illogical for them to protest against their natures. She cries. he asks her to make him more plomeek soup. Overjoyed, she agrees, and runs off as semi-creepy bass music plays.

No, seriously: who ships this?

Kirk, Bones and Spock get into the lift, and Spock asks his boyfriends if they will both be best man. They agree and hop off the lift at the bridge. The E is orbiting Vulcan, and they've been acknowledged by the planet. The screen comes on, revealing a female that Spock calls T'Pring. They exchange ritualistic greetings of "Parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched." The first half of that sentiment is alright, but the second part is kind of creepy. They agree to meet at a pre-determined place, and T'Pring signs off.

"Who was that?" asks Uhura.

"Um, my wife," says Spock, and Kirk and Bones give him their best WTF faces. Christine does too, because remember, the writer of this episode ships that. We don't see Uhura's reaction, because who cares if Spock-Uhura is slightly more canon?

"Dude, you got married, and you didn't even let me throw you
a stag party with Vulcan strippers? Come on, pointy ears and
shapely rears!"

The OT3 beams down to the surface, and I guess the Vulcan Mardi Gras just occurred, because there's glitter all over the ground. They go inside a sort of smallish outdoor arena, and Kirk explains to Bones that in the distant past, Vulcans would fight for and win mates. Their word for "marriage" also means "challenge". (I feel like it means the same thing in English, too.) The Vulcans kind of lose their minds a bit, take a mate, and then everything goes back to normal. Bones surmises that the Pon Farr madness may be the price they pay for being emotionless most of the time.

Okay, I have to ask: if Spock knew this was coming, why did he not prepare better? Could he not have alerted Kirk that he needed leave ahead of time? Does he not own a calendar?

Anyway, Spock rings a gong to start the ceremony. He tells Kirk and Bones that his parents arranged his marriage when he and T'Pring were 7 years old. They did a little mind-meld thing.

The wedding party comes in with T'Pring and a tiny old woman on a litter.

"Holy shit," says Kirk. "That's T'Pau, the only person who has ever refused to sit on the Federation council. If you look up Vulcan in the dictionary tapes, there's a picture of her. Spock must be hella important if she's here." 

Not gonna lie, you guys. T'Pau totally looks like Rita Repulsa from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Also, T'Pring is a fox. Kirk would totally bang her if she wasn't engaged to his friend. Cuz that's the kind of stand-up guy Kirk is: "I like you so much, I won't sleep with your fiance."

Admit it. You would hit on her, too.

Spock greets T'Pau with the Vulcan hand gesture, which I think may be the first time that we see that. Leonard Nimoy made it up - it's part of a traditional Jewish hand gesture. T'Pau makes it back at him, which is to say that the actress held up her taped fingers because she couldn't make that gesture on her own. Heh.

"The hell, Spock?" she asks. "You brought humans with you?"

"I'm allowed," he says sulkily, and introduces his friends.

Kirk is awed by T'Pau. She tells the humans that they are witnessing something special. T'Pau uses the pronouns "thee" and "thou". Incorrectly. Multiple times.

Spock attempts to ring the gong again to start the ceremony, but T'Pring stops him, choosing the Challenge. Spock retreats to the corner like a naughty kid, attempting to control his blood fever.

While T'Pau explains everything to Kirk and Bones, T'Pring keeps glancing at another Vulcan dude. She readily accepts that she will become property of the victor. But when she goes to select a champion, she chooses Kirk instead.

The other Vulcan is pissed, but T'pring has made her choice. T'Pau says that kirk is allowed to leave because he doesn't practice their belief system, and this is another one of those moments when it becomes obvious that the people who make this show are Jewish. Go, Judaism!

Kirk decides to stay.

Had to grab this screenshot. Spock is supposed to be off to the side,
deep in his blood fever, but instead the camera caught him hanging out
next to the wall, herpaderp, waiting for his next cue.

Spock objects because Kirk doesn't know their ways. He's kind of growling his lines now. T'Pau insults him by questioning his Vulcanhood. She says that Kirk and Spock will fight, but she once again offers Kirk the option of backing out. Bones tries to talk Kirk out of it, saying that the heat and thin air will do him in.

"No way," says Kirk. "I'll let him knock me out, he can get the girl, and all will be well. Besides, I don't want to look like a little bitch in front of T'Pau." Careful, dude. If you admire her too much, she'll guest-star again on another episode as a villain.

Kirk accepts, and the guards bring out the weapons, a pair of Vulcan lirpa. Oh, my holy fuck. Have you seen this weapon? It's like a farming tool mated with a writing implement and had a beautiful, deadly baby. Fuck decorative swords. I want a pair of crossed lirpa hanging over my fireplace.

"Beeteedubs," says T'Pau, "this fight is to the death."

So much for your grand plan, Kirk. Maybe you should have asked that question first.

The fight starts, and right away Kirk takes a swipe to the chest from the sharp end of that lirpa. Welcome back, Ripped-Shirt Kirk! It's been a while.

Kirk and Spock move around the arena, making slicing movements with one side of the lirpa, and blunt-force strikes with the other. Jeebus. Both ends of this thing are the business end. The pair seems evenly matched, and when both lirpas are out of commission, T'Pau calls a time out. Bones calls bullshit on the fight, saying Kirk can't breathe in the thin air.

"Too bad," says T'Pau.

"Can I give him a hypo so he can breathe easier?" he asks.

"Cool," she grants.

So Bones hypos Kirk, and the new weapon is brought out, the ahn-woon. It's like a rope with two heavy balls on the ends.

Kirk has just enough time to make a "how the fuck do I use this?" face before Spock lassos his ass, and it's on again. There's more hand to hand combat, and Spock succeeds in choking Kirk with the ahn-woon. Bones rushes forward and pronounces Kirk dead.

"You're dead, Jim."

Bones calls Uhura for a beam-up, then turns to Spock. "You're in charge now, asshole. Orders?"

"We need to go to the nearest starbase so I can turn myself in for killing my CO," says Spock, who seems less murdery now.

Kirk and Bones beam up.

"T'Pring," says Spock, "what the fuck?"

"There's this other dude, Stonn," sys T'pring. She means the dude with the ears, which is saying something on Vulcan. "I wanted him, and I didn't want you, because you had become kind of a legend. If you fought Kirk and he won, he wouldn't want me. If you fought, and you won, then you would divorce me for choosing Challenge. If you won and didn't divorce me, then you would be gone all the time on your ship, and I could fool around behind your back. In all of those scenarios, I still get Stonn."

Oh T'Pring, you clever girl. That's kind of evil, but still logical. I'm sorting you into Slytherin. Good job.

"That makes sense," nods Spock. Then he gives T'Pring and Stonn the polite Vulcan version of "Well, you're stuck with each other now, so fuck you both", and he goes to T'Pau, who gives him a Live Long and Prosper.

"Yeah, fuck you guys," he replies. "You made me kill my friend. You can all bite me."

He beams up.

"No, T'Pau. I really do NOT want a high five right now."

On board the E, Spock makes his way back down to sick bay, where he tells Bones that he will be putting Scotty in charge. 

Kirk walks up behind him. "You giving my ship away, bro?"

Spock is ecstatic. "Jim!"

"Bones shot me with something to simulate death," laughs Kirk. "Something to help him breathe, my ass."

"What about T'Pring?" asks Bones.

"Meh, she was a bitch," shrugs Spock. "I ship myself with you guys."

Uhura interrupts over the comm to say that Starfleet has granted the E permission to go to Vulcan for as long as they need, as per T'Pau's request. T'Pau has a lot of clout with Starfleet.

"Better late than never?" asks Kirk. He calls Chekov to set a course for Altair VI, but the navigator is busy barfing.

"Are we not going to give Spock some shit for fangirling when he found out that you were alive?" Bones asks Kirk.

Spock brushes it off with, "I was just glad Starfleet didn't lose a good officer."

Wait, who... oh, he means Kirk.

*******

So we didn't really get a Hmmm Moment this week, unless it was "always carry neural paralyzer hypos" or "sometimes arranged marriages suck". BUT we did get some cool character development with Spock, and our knowledge of Vulcan culture was enriched by quite a bit, so no complaints here.

Let's look at our costuming choices for the Vulcan guards:

I thought they were kind of flashy at first, but they're not too bad. A simple, structural tunic in silver, with a colored sash, black leggings, and ... sort-of sandals? Notice the helmets. The Romulans were wearing helmets as well. It's because the make-up involved with getting those damn ears on was such a pain in the ass. Putting on a helmet eliminates the need to craft more ears.

Then we have this dude, the executioner, who came to a wedding dressed as the Vulcan Bane. I really have no idea what that mask is about. Maybe he thinks it'll keep him from getting SARS or something.

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 1
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 1
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 0
Total crew deaths this season: 2
Total crew deaths thus far: 18

*******

Can one say that a tea smells like a Chinese restaurant? I mean, you know that smell, right? Very lightly floral, a tiny bit sweet, but very fragrant? I want to say that it tastes like a Chinese food restaurant as well, but that makes less sense. It definitely made me hungry for Chinese food, anyway. This week, Roomie blended two green teas, both from Teavana: the Jasmine Oolong and Jeju Island Green. I really feel like, out of all teas, greens smell the best. This one did, anyway. And I'll be drinking this blend again. Maybe right now, while Roomie is asleep. DRINK ALL THE TEAS!

http://www.teavana.com/the-teas/oolong-teas/p/jasmine-oolong-tea

http://www.teavana.com/the-teas/green-teas/p/jeju-island-green-tea