ST:TAS Season One, Episode Sixteen "The Jihad"

"The Jihad"
Air Order: 16
Stardate: 5683.1
Original Air Date: January 12, 1974


So unless you are living under a studio-made rock right now, you probably know that the ship goddess is part of a NASA mission:

Does it go into space? No. It's like a shuttlecraft. It hangs out in the air and collects information. Does anyone care much that Uhura is not actually in space? Why would they, when she give us photo ops like this:

I can't even, you guys. I just can't.

How can you be so badass and adorable at the same time, Nichelle?

*******

Kirk's Log 5683.1: "We're orbiting this planet because Spock and I have been called by the Vedala for some secret mission. We don't know what it is, but the Vedala are hella smart, and are the oldest-known space-faring race in the galaxy, so we're gonna trust their judgment and walk blindly into this situation."

Kirk and Spock beam down to the surface, and I just kind of sigh. The animated series is awesome for allowing Star Trek to boldly go where no live-action show has gone before, but this is one of those episodes where they take advantage of not having to pay more for special effects and costuming, and instead of being extra cool, it just looks jumbled, and pretty much like they were trying too hard to push the envelope.
For instance, our heroes beam down into a circle of aliens, and it looks more like a zoo than last week's episode, which featured... a zoo.

So first we have a Vedalan, which looks like exactly like a white Kzinti, but apparently is not. Then there's what looks to be a Gorn, but again... is not. One one side of the Gorn doppelganger is some kind of pupae-insect thing, and on the other side is a Skorr, a sort of griffon-thing. We've seen one of these before, in "Yesteryear". Last but not least, there's a human, but she obviously comes from a different Earth-colonized planet. The Vadalan introduces them around. 

The Skorr is the prince of his people, and he has a problem, in that some religious artifact of his people has been stolen. None of his people know that it's gone, and they need to get the thing back and keep it a secret, otherwise, his people might declare a jihad on the galaxy for no other reason that their thing is gone.

Like Christine Chapel, Tchar has far too many neck bones.

So each of them was called up for a reason. Em/3/Green, the pupae guy (no, I'm not fucking with you, the dude's name is Em/3/Green), is a lock picker and a thief. He was sentenced to this expedition, as he loudly complains. He's already singled himself out as a douche, so that's easy for us. Tchar the Skorr prince is there for information obviously, but the human girl Lara is a hunter. Spock is there because he's smart. Kirk just tagged along for the ride because he felt like it.

No, that's not true. They wanted him for his leadership skills and adaptability, blah, blah, blah.

We don't really find out why Sord the Gorn look-alike is there, because Em/3/Green interrupts to whine about shit.

So Tchar gives us some background on the artifact, which doesn't actually come into play at all, so there really isn't much reason to mention it, beyond how it ties into the situation: the Skorr are all civilized now, but were once warriors. Alar is the Skorr version of Serak, convincing them to be peaceful, which is good, because the Skorr breed like rabbits and could build a huge army in two years. When Alar died, they trapped his brain waves in some ugly sculpture, and that's what's missing.

Nobody knows who took the sculpture, but when Spock asks where it is, the Vedalan surprisingly roars and waves her arms. Apparently, this is how she uses her powers of conjuring and teleportation or whatever. A hologram appears of a planet, and she says the sculpture is on this shitty planet where nobody lives, and the place is some kind of geological nightmare.

The Vedalan admits that they are the fourth expedition to try to get the sculpture back, and nobody seems to flinch at this notion. They seriously lost almost twenty people to this, and nobody balks?

"How come you guys didn't just go get it?" Kirk asks the Vadalan. "You guys have better powers than us."

"We're weak little pussies," replies the Vadalan. "Besides, it's better to sacrifice you guys than us."

Somehow, everyone agrees to this plan, even that whiny bitch Em/3/Green, and the Vadalan waves her arms and roars again, and she teleports away.

We cut to the surface of the "mad planet" where the group is getting into some kind of ATV. Em says he will work the technology, and then proceeds to blow up one of the control panels.

"Fuck it," says Lara, the human hunter chick. "I know navigation, I'll just do it by hand."

You know what else needs to be done by hand? The trimming of your Klingon-esque eyebrows, Lara.

Lara also has too many neck bones.

She picks a direction, and Tchar agrees to fly overhead and scout while the others drive.

Lara is mildly annoying, and is unfortunate enough to be a weird mix of Calamity Jane and Ellie May Clampett. She dresses like Zarabeth, that cavechick that Spock fell for in "All Our Yesterdays", but she calls Spock a "cold-blooded critter" when he defends her navigational skills. She's also racist, but not in a jokey way like Bones, and she starts hitting on Kirk in an aggressive, creepy way.

"Good," I think, "this chick will give Kirk a taste of his own medicine."

That's not the way it happens, though.

He turns her down in favor of getting the job done.

He isn't even going to walk away thinking that he should treat women better.

They're driving through some crazy weather, earthquakes and stuff, and a pretty decent joke comes up:

Em the pupae guy declares, "We're all gonna die here!"

"A statistical probability," reasons Spock.

"You ever quote anything besides statistics, Vulcan?" asks Lara.

"Yes," he replies. "But philosophy and poetry are not appropriate here."

Vulcan for STFU, Lara.

Tchar flies back with the news that he's spotted where the ugly soul sculpture is, but now they 're having issues with erupting volcanoes.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

We return from the break to see... one lone shot of the E. It's not orbiting a planet, and we don't see what's going on aboard while Kirk and Spock are away. It's more like, they had seven seconds to fill and used that shot. Or they were going to add a scene on the ship there, but changed their minds just before broadcast and never removed that shot. Maybe it's just there to remind you what you were watching before you got up to pee or get more cereal.

So now they have this problem, which is that they're about to be overtaken by lava, and conveniently enough, it is making it's way toward them through a ravine. Also, even though the E is elsewhere, we ended up with a Disable the Ship: their ATV is too slow to be of any use against lava.

Pssst, hey Star Trek: lava doesn't flow that fast. How slow is your freaking car?

Anyway, they've come up with two plans that are kind of one. Spock and whiny Em are going to hotwire the car so it can go faster than the lava (zero to ten in 0.6 seconds?), while the others dump huge boulders in the ravine to block the lava flow for a short period of time. Because they've pretty much frying the car's circuitry, they only get to go fast for a few seconds. (OMG, they may get up to fifteen!)

So miraculously, Kirk and Sord and Lara manage to push a whole bunch of boulders into this ravine and of course it buys Spock and Em just enough time to hotwire their ATV. It's a good thing too, because that blockade they set up really just proves to be some kind of launch ramp for the lava coming from the ravine.

It's raining lava, you guys. It's raining lava, and they're just barely escaping it.

I'm only half-way through this shit.

Can I watch something else? I'm simultaneously bored and annoyed at the lack of science here.

There's a series of shots that show lava flowing and chasing the car and acting like lahars instead of actual, slow-ass lava, and of course the car hits a rock or something, and Spock is thrown from the ATV.

You know what comes next.

Spock selflessly declares that they go on, despite the fact that no one at this point as suggested otherwise. Or maybe he's pre-empting Kirk, who of course jumps from the car to help him up.

Now, I'm not suggesting that we should most definitely leave people behind, but can we have a different outcome sometimes? Or just stop using this cliche?

We get it. You're brothers in spirit, and no way would you ever leave the other behind.

Just stahp.

But then it doesn't matter that Kirk held them up by helping Spock, because their damn ATV can't get up the hill, they're stuck getting out to walk.

Kirk and Spock pause for a lovers' quarrel over rescuing others at a risk to the group, and you know everyone on that mission is thinking "Just kiss already!"

Sord pretty much tells them to get a room.

It starts snowing. They go back to the somehow unburied car and gather whatever equipment they need (never mentioned before, and won't be used, so who cares?) before leaving on foot.

When we cut to the next scene, the ground is covered in snow.

Really? Volcanic wasteland to Winter Wonderland?

And zero reaction between the snow and lava, which sometimes takes years to cool down?

RAWR, fuck this show!

So the ground gives way under Em's feet, and he almost falls into a chasm, which would be fine by me, but Kirk insists that they rescue the little green asshole, so Spock and Tchar pull Em to safety. Em then declares that he's too tired to keep going. No, he's not hurt. Just sleepy. But instead of drinking a Red Bull or whatever, Sord gets talked into carrying that whiny motherfucker the rest of the way to the sculpture.

Tchar goes on ahead to check out the building where he thinks the sculpture might be, and the others keep walking. At one point, Sord swears he saw something moving in the bushes. Yeah, that's right. No longer snowing, now just bushes and mountains. They meet up with Tchar again, who says he saw that building again, and why are we repeating this shit? Was the episode too short? Tchar leaves once again, and this time, Kirk and Lara break off to scout ahead.

Sord, Spock, and Em have a somewhat paranoid discussion as to whether or not they are alone on this planet, and very cheap animation gets made more cheaper by the fact that the animators select camera angles to hide mouths so they won't have to animate those parts when characters are talking. They do it to both Sord and Spock but allow us to see Em talking just so that it's not super obvious.

We catch up again with Kirk and Lara. Lara suggests that they hook up because "that would make the trip easier," and "provide us with green memories."

"I already have green memories," Kirk replies.

Sorry? Did I miss something? "Green memories"?

I had to look that shit up, and dig a bit for it on the Google.

It's like memories that are alive or young.

Anyway, Kirk says "maybe later" and Lara has decided to keep wearing him down. Way to be creepy, Lara. Also, way to muddy things, Kirk. Yes or no, dude. She's just gonna keep harassing you.

"No, thank you. I'd like to keep this professional" is nice and definitive.

But he sounds more like he's filing her away for a booty call the next time he's in her sector.

So they finally, FINALLY reach the building where Tchar thinks the soul thing might be, and Kirk remarks that it looks like a Skorr temple. The lock on the door has to be picked, and I guess this is why it was important that they save Em from being swallowed alive by this planets.

And I guess they needed a commercial break here, because why else would haul out the Dramatic Music?

We get another random shot of the ship when we return from break. I mean, I love the angle on this, but between these ship shots and footage of Tchar flying, this episode has been padded all to hell.

So Em is opening the locks, and he tells them in a panicky voice that they're on a timed trigger, and that he has to open them all correctly or the whole thing will explode. Okay, fine.

Oh, what in gay hell? Fucking dragons again! Were these things seeded? They're on every fucking planet in the known universe!

They start shooting, and the dragons blow up. Turns out they're machines. One carries off Tchar. Em announces that the door is open, and then we, in turn, get close-up shots of each person in the party, as though Em opening a door is cause to get everyone's reaction.

Em looks how I feel.

Enough with this shit. I'm pretty sure that if we removed the opening theme, the random shots of the ship, and all of the crap like this - all of the padding, basically - this episode would be about ten minutes long.

So they walk inside the building, and Kirk says the most un-Kirk-like thing ever:

"Should we rest for a while?"

...whut?

This is Kirk, the guy who jumps in without taking precautions and who is okay with running other people ragged in pursuit of something. Yet now he's suggesting a nap?

"No, fuck that," says Lara.

"Seriously, what the hell?" asks Spock.

They all walk past him, because this is not Dungeons and Dragons. You're pretty much gonna find what you want right away, and you know why? Because there's only like six and a half minutes left of this shit, so we know you're not gonna take a siesta and then go fight a Minotaur before making your way to the center of a maze. Also, mazes and Minotaurs are not Star Trek. That's  the Myceneans and Doctor Who and Harry Potter and shows with actual budgets that come from other places besides the change in Gene's couch cushions.

So here's our fugly sculpture thing, and it's clearly floating a bit off the floor, but when we swing back to the group, Kirk starts talking about how they have to figure out how to get to it from across the room.

... something didn't translate there. There doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the floor, and it doesn't look like there's any kind of force field keeping them from walking over there. nor does it seem that the thing is floating very far off the ground. So why is Kirk lamenting that the walls are not climbable?

The door shuts, and Em whines that they are prisoners, as there is no way out. Kirk has already figured out that it's a trap, because he's Kirk the All-Knowing. He's guessing based on the fact that three expeditions have already failed, and he suspects that one of the group has sabotaged the whole thing. Spock says this is likely.

Kirk notices that there's a ledge around the room, and he, Spock and Lara climb up. Sord gives Em a boost, but stays on the floor himself. Dude, Kirk just said there was no way to climb the walls. Like, ten seconds ago.

Kirk and Spock are discussing how to get the sculpture down when they are attacked by Tchar.

"You dick!" yells Kirk. "You're the saboteur! Why would you start a war like that?"

"My people are wusses," say Tchar. "I want them to die in glorious battle!"

"You're gonna start a war within the Federation for funsies?" asks Spock.

"Yup," replies Tchar.

And he turns off the fucking gravity. He's decided that the rest of the group are actually pretty hearty people, and he wants them to fight and die in the air, like some proud Skorr warrior.

Kirk turns to Spock. "How long since you did The Matrix wire-fighting thing?"

"Bitch, that was last week," replies Spock. "And then we made out in zero-g. Remember?"

Of course they work out in zero-g. Kirk wins every fight because he always seems to be familiar with every kind of fight and environment. Hell, he even knew how to expertly use the pon farr weapons the first time he picked them up. So are we shocked that he and Spock work out in zero gravity, and are then given the opportunity to fight in such a situation? We are not.

While fighting Tchar, Kirk hooks his foot on the sculpture, and yells at Lara to call for beam-out. Somehow, they are beamed back to the grove on Vadala, an entirely different planet. Either that, or they beamed up to some ship orbiting the scary planet, which then carried them to Vadala, where they all beamed down to the grove with the sculpture and Tchar, who is now encased in glass.

"Sorry we can't give you rewards or recognition or anything," says the Vadalan. "We can't call attention to this or it'll fuck up all the shit with the Skorr."

"It's all good," says Kirk. "but what do we tell people who ask where we were?"

"No worries," says the Vadalan. "After a while, you won't even remember going on this mission."

"Bye, James," says Lara. "Sorry I didn't get to bend you over the helm of your own starship."

And Kirk and Spock beam back up to the transporter room.

"The hell?" ask Sulu at the console.

"You were only gone two minutes," says the helmsman.

"Oh, um... the Vedala changed their minds," says Kirk. "Let's get the hell out of here."

And they fly away without cracking a joke that makes no sense.

You know an episode is bad when you start looking for ways to entertain yourself while you're watching it. Not in that sort of multi-tasking "must be doing four things at once" way that we've become so accustomed to, but I started wondering what else I could be watching while watching this show. Could I watch something else?

This episode is twenty-five minutes consisting of Kirk and a bunch of aliens beaming down to a planet to find a thing. They find it, then discover that the dude who took it also lured them there and has been pretending to be their friend. They capture him, and return the thing. The end. It took twenty-five minutes and five other alien species to say that.

There wasn't really anything about this episode that I actually like, which is a pretty difficult feat, considering that I can typically find something. But the extra characters were annoying (with the exception of Sord, who was almost not there at all), and the science was effed up. I'm pretty sure that lava plus snow equals chemical reaction, not Currier & Ives Christmas card. While the fight scene was short, it was almost too short. Kirk goes for Tchar and gets bounced off a wall. He and Spock grab Tchar, he grabs the sculpture, and Tchar is denied the fight he was looking for.

Plus, it was padded all to hell. 

"Let's add in still shots of stuff to lengthen out the episode," I can hear the writers say.

"That whiny dude, when he opens the door, let's get everyone's reaction."

"Okay, great. Because the door might have exploded, but didn't. We can see their shock and relief."

"No, it costs too much to draw facial expressions. Just show a shot of each. That's fine. It'll buy us another ten seconds."

You know what I'd like to see now? A live-action shot for shot parody remake of this episode. And I want the final battle to be a slap-fight between Kirk, Spock and Tchar. That would make it worth watching.

*******

I was complaining to Roomie the other day that our tea cupboard is full of tea that I only ever seem to drink one packet of, then the rest just sits there, not being consumed by anyone else.

"I don't want to keep adding to the pile," I lamented.

"You should drink that barley tea that Anim8ed gave us," she suggested.

I paused. I knew this tea existed at the back of the cupboard, but I had not touched it, because Anim8ed had given it to Roomie. It's also in a Ziplock baggie labeled with Japanese kanji.

I was also suspicious of it. It's made with roasted grains. What the hell would that taste like?

Fishing it out of the cupboard (I had to go deep, as it was buried behind 40 other things), I looked up steeping times and other information.

I guess it's really popular in Japan, and kind of in Great Britain as well, and it's got a bunch of supposed health benefits.

But it's made from barley: would it taste like beer?

Nope. It tastes like shredded wheat. Shredded wheat made with coffee rather than milk. Though it's still kind of milky as well.

I put the baggie back in the cupboard.

Roomie can have the rest.

Curie

ST: TAS Season One, Episode Thirteen "The Ambergris Element"

"The Ambergris Element"
Air Order: 13
Star Date: 5499.9
Original Air Date: December 1, 1973

Kirk's Log 5499.9: "Gonna explore the planet Argo a bit. It's covered in water, but was once more land-based, and it's really similar to another planet in the Federation. Argo became water-based due to seismic activity, and the other planet is on the verge on becoming that way as well, so we're check it out and see if there's any way we can keep the same thing from happening twice."

I'm really digging this first shot, looking over Scotty's shoulder and onto the shuttle bay, where he is opening the doors so the craft can get out. Also, this "reason why we're at this new planet" is pretty good. Often it's just, "there's some uncharted planet here that Starfleet has asked us to check out, and oops, things have gone sideways." Here, there's a specific, scientific reason that's less open-ended than usual. I like that.

The shuttle leaves the Enterprise, and lands on the planet. You guys! This craft is both space-ready and amphibious! Yes! That's awesome. I'd imagine that it doesn't get much use, but it would be pretty sweet to have on board. Probably it was loaned or given to them when they were assigned this mission.

In our amphibious craft we have an away team of four: Bones and Spock are our scientists, and the Red, Clayton, is piloting the shuttle. Kirk is there, but who the fuck knows why? Sometimes I think they pull up to a new planet, and Kirk vaults out of his chair and runs down to the shuttle bay, yelling "Shotgun!"
Also, I know what you're thinking: Random Red Clayton is gonna die. And if this were TOS, I would agree. But the Powers That Be declared that No Will Die on Saturday Morning, so everyone that's part of the crew for the TAS years gets a reprieve. Except for Chekov, who was eaten by Arax.

So our boys in blue are prepping to hop in the drink to collect samples from the sea bottom, and I guess Kirk is just going to kick it (uselessly) in the shuttle while Clayton tries to make awkward conversation with El Jefe Grande.
But then, someone unleashes the space kraken! It picks them up and tosses the shuttle quite a ways, swimming back to it to screw with the craft some more. When it tries to pick them up again, Spock uses the phasers to stun it.

Raise the roof!

Seems like earlier scans didn't pick it up as a life form, and Kirk decides that, rather than wisely leave it be, he's gonna take the shuttle down so he can poke it with a stick. Now, I realize that science sometimes means making the choice between walking away and poking unknown shit with sticks, but I'm pretty sure the correct answer here is: walk the fuck away.
Oh, well. The shuttle is submersible! Cool!
Fortunately for dipshits like Kirk, the technology is available that means that one does not actually have to have a stick or do any poking. Bones just scans it and records the data.

Too bad the stunning wears off right away. They get a cursory reading, then the cranky kraken wakes up, and they are chased to the surface. Spock tries to stun it again, but the kraken Disabled the Shuttle, so the phasers don't work. Kirk attempts to call for an emergency beam-up, but the kraken picks up the shuttle and throws it against a rock. Clayton and Bones tumble out. Kirk and Spock are shown unconscious in the wreck of the shuttle. While Clayton and Bones watch, the kraken grabs the shuttle, roars at them to get the fuck off his lawn, and disappears beneath the waves.

Ship's Log, recorded by Scotty, 5504.2: "Been five days gone now, and we can't find any evidence of Kirk or Spock. We keep looking, but we got nuthin.'"

Down on the surface, Bones and Clayton are on some kind of rescue-dinghy with Scotty, checking out the territory. Clayton spots something through the binoculars and they check it out. It's the shuttle, and the Enterprise crew is really not getting their deposit back on that. A little ways away, they spot Kirk and Spock laying face-down in the water.
"Maybe they're alive!" says Bones.
That's optimistic, yo. Your friends go missing for five days and turn up face-down in water, and you think they might still be alive? I hereby dub thee Dr Cleopatra, Queen of de Nile.

He takes some scans and finds that everything is up and working properly, with the exception of the lungs. (Yeah, no shit.) He has them dragged out of the water, and they come to just enough to complain that they are suffocating. Kirk grasps at his throat with webbed hands. They no longer breathe air.
Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Bones' Log 5506.2: "So we found Kirk and Spock two days ago, but some kind of something-er-other in their blood changed them to water-breathers, and they have second eyelids, like fish. I can't change 'em back, so they're stuck in a tank of water in sick bay, where I'm keeping an eye on 'em."

There are some cool effects used here: Bones and Scotty are talking to Kirk and Spock, who are in the giant water tank. They're used some kind of sound device to make it sound as though Kirk and Spock are talking through the water. This is also a really great use of the wavy water effect that they sometimes use for space scenes.
Anyway, Bones says that nothing in the Federation memory banks has information on the changes that were made, which were made most likely by an intelligent life form. Spock points out that there were no recorded intelligent life forms on this planet, but clearly that's crap. Kirk wants himself and Spock to go back into the ocean to find whatever changed them. He's pretty sure that they can be changed back. Right now their options are to live in a water tank, or go back and live on Argo. Neither of them like these choices. Once again, Bones tries to talk them out of doing the risky thing, but they wave him off. With webbed hands.

Our boys are dropped off in the sea again, and swim only a short way to the bottom before encountering (for lack of a better word) merpeople. They're surprised to see these dudes, who appear to be gathering food or something, but the merpeople seem to know them.
"Go the fuck away," says one. He calls them air-breathers, which I guess is merspeak for "assholes."
One lady says something about Kirk and Spock being saved by young merpeople, and the fact that that sucked. They swim away in anger, muttering about Kirk and Spock being on their lawns.

When they leave, Kirk and Spock briefly discuss the fact that those rude merpeople said that the young people saved them, and that the other merpeeps come off as total dicks.

When the merpeople left, they swam away to the right. Kirk points to this huge, dark-ass crevasse to the left and says they should go there to find answers, as though they saw any evidence whatsoever of there being people or answers in there. Spock agrees, because apparently, Spock has water on the brain.

Pro-tip: no answers can be found in dark, scary crevasses. Only serial killers and monsters.

They swim into and through the crevasse, and come out the other side into what I guess is supposed to be a merpeople village. 

"Their village is cool and technological-looking," says Kirk. "Plus, they know medical shit that we don't. How come they're afraid of us?"

"They probably think we're ugly," shrugs Spock. "We look weird, so they're afraid."

Then they have a conversation that is not supported by actions on-screen: Kirk decides that they should go into the village "over there" because there's "much less activity." 

....there's no activity in the village. They didn't bother to animate any people in this scene other than Kirk and Spock.

Then we get a cut, as though Kirk and Spock are moving to the far side of the village to enter... but then they're shown in the exact same position as they were in before the jump in scenes. They observe that one building seems more important than others, and seem to be deciding to check it out, when a net is thrown over them, and they are taken hostage by a couple of merfolk.

Our boys are taken to some kind of tribunal, and the dude in charge is an older guy named Dolmar. he insists that they are spies, and some other old dude says that their ancient records warn them that this would happened. Spock reminds the merguys that they came unarmed, and some younger people chime in that maybe they aren't enemies or spies. There's some mer-politics involved here, and the younger merdudes are clearly more progressive than their elders. Someone mentions how successful the surgery was to make Kirk and Spock merpeople (turns out they're called Aquans, but that's less fun to say that adding mer to everything).

"Hey, that was you guys?' demands Kirk.

"Yeah, you needed saving," says Dolmar. "We don't believe that anybody is 100% a dick. Then we altered your memories so that you couldn't come back here to hassle us. "

Um, hey merpeople: it would have actually been easier to just take them back and leave them with the now-rusting shell of the broken craft. Their people could have come to pick them up, and they probs would have left after collecting samples. But you grabbed them up, altered their DNA, then erased their memories so they couldn't find you again. Following all that, you dumped them back on land, where they were sure to struggle and possibly find you again. Seems like an awful lot of work, to be honest.

Despite not being shown here, there are actually females on the tribunal.

Also, the merguys seem to think that Kirk and Spock live on the surface of the planet, and that they've "come back to spy on the merdudes."

"Naw, bro, we don't live here," says Spock. "We're from other planets completely."

Up on the surface, Scotty is hanging out in the rescue boat when Bones calls. Apparently, there's some huge sea-quake due within four hours that will alter seabed drastically. Unfortunately, that is about how long Scotty gave Kirk and Spock to find the reason behind their changes and attempt to reverse it. He has no way of contacting them prior, but he did have them microchipped, and he can see roughly where they might be underwater.

Rila, a female on the tribunal, is on the side of the boys, and she wants more information before doing something rash. Another female approaches the tribunal and announces that the rescue boat with Scotty and Bones is over by where they gather reeds or something. Dolmar takes this as a sign of attack, and he proclaims that Kirk and Spock are to be dumped topside on the boulders.

Didn't he already do that?

See how well that worked the first time?

The boys are dumped on the rocks next to the wreckage of the amphibious shuttle, and a heavy net is tossed on top of them. Rila swims up to free them, but the net is impossible for her to move on her own. Kirk croaks that she should find their rescue party by the big island. Rila leads Scotty and the others back to Kirk and Spock, and they get all get the boys back in the water. Remember in "Beyond the Farthest Star" when it was too big a hassle to animate environmental suits so the E crew could walk unimpeded in space, so they created life belts that made a yellow aura around the protected characters? Scotty is using one now to duck underwater with Rila and the boys.

He tells them that there's a quake due in two hours that will change the landscape of the whole area. Spock suggests that the Aquans evolved from the air-breathers when the land sank into the sea. Rila corrects him. Apparently, when the land began to sink, some of the air-breathers elected to get the surgery to make them water-breathers, and over time, the changes became hereditary.

"Strange that such a highly-intelligent race would become violent," muses Kirk.

Ummm, violent how, Kirk? You and Spock were changed because they took pity on you. When you returned to their society looking for answers, they banished you. Nobody hit you, or practiced any kind of psychological warfare on you.

Ah, they're talking about the air-breather people. Spock says that sometimes people who are exposed to frightening things, like disaster, will become violent. Rila says that the air people hunted her people, and the water people were afraid that they would become violent as well, which is why it became forbidden to change back to air-breathers.

Now they know why they were turned down when they asked to be changed back. Rila says that there are records in some ruins nearby of how the reverse surgery can be done. While she isn't allowed to actually go there, she agrees to take them as far as the barrier and point out where they need to go.

They swim through another freaking crevasse and into some ruins that look like they came from a fish tank. I'm not gonna throw rocks at it, though, because as reader Isabel pointed out quite a while ago, all of the background scenery that they made for the live-action show looked like fish tank habitats without water. It's a Star Trek thang.

Inside one of the buildings, they spot a caduceus, one of those winged-people-snakes thing that for some reason means "medical." Interesting that the same  symbol that means medical on Earth means the same thing here, way the hell out in space. You know, like when Romulan Bird of Prey ships have birds painted on them that look nothing like birds found on Earth.

Anyway, Spock realizes that some sealed tubes have those symbols on them, and the torsos look like they've been mutated, so they grab those and get the hell out of Dodge. Or they try. They're met on their way out by an old friend.

Well, shit. Who knew this was space-kraken territory?

It looks like the creepy guy at the park who watches kids from behind a tree.

Today is apparently their lucky day. While swimming like hell, the space-kraken makes enough noise and swims too close to things that he manages to bring a building down on himself. Ten bucks says that it was the last of its kind.

Up top, Kirk and Spock are back in the tank while Bones checks out the ancient scrolls in the tubes. Bones has run the scrolls through the universal translator, and he tells them that the thing that changed them was ambergris. Ugggghhhhh. For those of you who have not seen that episode of Bob's Burgers, ambergris is pretty much whale crap. Like, whales will eat squids, which have beaks, and that beak can't be digested, so the whale's intestines make this gross earwax shit that covers the beak so the whale can crap it out safely. Peeps used to hunt whales for this stuff because it's used to make perfume. That seriously makes me want to barf. And it's in Kirk and Spock's blood.

Bones says he can make an antitoxin to change them back, but he needs the venom of the space-kraken to make it.

Kirk and Spock convince Rila and two other dudes to help them go back into the ruins to milk the space-kraken for venom. They take a big net, but it shouldn't be an issue, because the space-kraken was crushed under a building like an hour ago, right? Nope, he out and doing fine for whatever reason, so they toss the net over it, and get their venom. The space-kraken is pissed off now, so it thrashes around under than net, and brings another fucking building down on top of itself. Is this thing like really, really stupid or something? Or did the writers just run out of ways to incapacitate a giant sea creature?

Upstairs, Kirk and Spock are back in the tank with Bones and Christine, who are wearing the life belts. Bones does a bit of voice-over where he talks about how the dosage part of the scrolls is missing, but how he knows that if he give too much of the serum, Kirk and Spock will "over-mutate" and make the process irreversible. I know this is meant to add a bit of drama, but it isn't necessary, because this whole episode has been built on "what if they can't change back?" And frankly, having been a connoisseur for the last 30+ years, I'm already aware that they have 30 minutes to solve the problem so that the slate is blank for the next episode. Star Trek is not a serial soap, and I doubt they would make changes like that permanent, so saying that the serum may or may not work is moot. It was always in that state of flux. Putting it into more of a flux is a waste of time. Get on with it already.

So Bones gives him the first shot, and reacts by turning some colors, and the hand webs go away. Then he administers the last half of the serum, and Kirk passes out, getting his webs back as well as a fin and a shit-ton of scales.

But then it passes, and he's fine. Now they have to do Spock, which makes no sense, because as the first officer, he should have gone first. Whatever. Kirk prefers to do things back-assward, anyway.

Up on the bridge, Kirk tells Dolmar and Rila that they're going to shoot their phasers at some unpopulated area of the planet to change the epicenter of the quake, so it won't alter the landscape where there are people. I feel like this is another one of those things where Star Trek tries to wrap up a storyline by having something or someone (*cough, cough, Spock, cough, cough*) do something far outside of their/it's capabilities. Do I think a phaser can change the epicenter of an earthquake? Noop. But I wasn't invited to the writer's meeting for this episode, so I just gotta suck it up and roll with the animated punches. 

So they do their little thingy, and Spock reports that the earthquake hit in the northern polar sea, which is uninhabited. They beam down a few hours later when the seabed has settled, and arrive on a beach across from a new island with the raised ruins on it.

"Look! A new-old city!"

Okay, so... you changed the epicenter of an earthquake so that it would strike someplace else, but magically, it raised the city that sank previously? What the hell kind of tectonic plates does this planet have?

Rila says that the young merpeeps have decided to live in the ruins and make the place inhabitable again. The oldsters can't adjust to the idea, so they'll stay in the city.

"Make sure you keep in contact, so there isn't an issue like before, with your ancestors," warns Kirk.

"It's cool," says Dolmar. "We plan to pass ordainments forbidding non-contact so that doesn't happen again."

And I guess that's supposed to be the ending joke because all the Aquans ever did was pass ordainments forbidding things.

Ba dum tiss?

Despite some goofy story issues, I actually really liked this episode. While they used plenty of scripts that had been written for the live-action series, episodes like this would not have been possible, and the writers are really taking advantage of the fact that they can expand on ideas that they would not have been able to do without animation. Some of these episodes have been better than others (this one versus the shrinking crew), but at least they're bothering to try. 

Plus, bonus points to the Budget. the Filmation people traced swimming shots from their old Aquaman show when Kirk and Spock are swimming, which is a cheat that I totally approve of, because it looks legit, and who is going to notice?

******

So this week I tried Tazo's Berryblossom White, which sounded good, but also tasted familiar. It tastes familiar because Celestial Seasonings makes a Blueberry White, and despite the fact that the Tazo ismade with white cranberry and huckleberry, it still just tastes like blueberry-white tea. Both are good, though, with the delicate white tea blending nicely with the berry. I'd recommend, either, but if you're looking for cranberry, I'd suggest looking elsewhere, as you're not getting much here.

http://www.tazo.com/Product/Detail/24

This is how a seven-pound cat takes up an entire couch.