Season 3, Episode 77 "The Savage Curtain"

"The Savage Curtain"
Production Order: 77
Air Order: 77
Stardate: 5906.4
Original Air Date: March 7, 1969

Happy Star Wars Day!

I'd like to take this opportunity to use the fandom to discuss

an issue floating around the geek world.

Namely:

The lack of Black Widow in Avengers merch has all of geekdom demanding "WTF?"

Let's use our old friend Leia to poke holes in the arguments as to why no one wants Black Widow merch:

"Boys won't wear t-shirts with girl characters on them, even if they're in a group."

Gee, that sure looks like Leia on the bottom right next to Han. On a men's t-shirt.

"No one buys action figures of girls."

Which is why there are 36 different action figures of Leia.

Clearly, no fan wants Leia merchandise:

http://www.people.com/article/disney-adds-leia-toys

Dear Merchandisers,

Maybe you should try asking the fans what merchandise they want, rather than telling them what they want. Or, you know, maybe you should go on Etsy or TeeFury sometime. Fans know what they want. They problem is, you don't.

*******

We open this week on the bridge, with Sulu and Chekov at the helm. Kirk is looking pensive in his chair. He glances over at Spock, who is bent over the equipment at his station, and I swear to God it looks as though the captain is scoping the ass of the first officer.

There's some mystery afoot, as they're orbiting a planet whose surface is molten lava, yet they're reading scans that say there's not only carbon-based life, but also artificial power. Bones storms in and says it's impossible for this planet to sustain life, and that Starfleet should ignore the "space legends" that surround this planet having life.

Uhura tells Kirk that she's been hailing the planet and getting no response. He replies to send Starfleet their scans and data gathered, but fuck it, there's nothing here, and they're leaving.

Oops. Remember the dummy light that's affixed to the helm and will blink when there's something wrong with the ship? It begins blinking. 

"Being scanned," announces Sulu.

The planet disappears from the viewscreen, to be replaced with some glowing shape that's coming toward them.

It's... it's...

Oh, fuck you, Star Trek.

It's Abraham Lincoln, seated in the same pose as he is in the Lincoln Memorial. And floating at them in space. You know, this show boasts some great episodes, and some great moments. It also offers plenty of reasons why it got canceled after three seasons. This moment is part of that latter list.

Lincoln addresses Kirk by name and says he is pleased to meet him, and there is no need to check their scanners, because he is most definitely Abraham Lincoln. The crew gives him their best WTF faces.

Kirk asks Spock for his best guess.

"They scanned us, and got this image from our minds to make this illusion," Spock replies.

Fake-ass Lincoln seems insulted. "I'm not an illusion!"

Nope, you're right. Guys who have been dead for centuries routinely float around in space without suffocating or freezing. They also know the names and biographies of the crew of passing spaceships.

"Can I come onboard?" asks Lincoln. "You can use your technology to check me out."

Oh, yeah, totally. That's not suspicious at all.

"We'd be honored, Mr President," gushes Kirk.

"Cool," says Lincoln. "You'll be over my position in twelve or so minutes."

He disappears, and the planet reappears, and then a space of about a thousand square kilometers manifests on the surface of the planet. It's got an Earth-like atmosphere and is basically a class-M island in a sea of molten lava.

Kirk calls for a contingent of Reds to the transporter room, then announces that he wants them, Spock and Bones to all wear full dress uniforms.

"Do you really believe he's Lincoln?" demands Bones.

"He does," shrugs Kirk.

Sooo, you didn't wear dress uniforms for Elaan of Troyius, who was pretty much confirmed royalty, but you'll jump to wear that shit for a Lincoln cosplayer?

Down in the transporter room, Scotty is standing around in his kilt bitching about having to wear these uniforms for some weirdo who thinks he's a dead president. I find it interesting that Scotty is the only one whose dress uniform is indicative of the land where he originated. Nobody else's uniform is different. One time Spock wore an IDIC pin, but he simply pinned it to the front of his dress jacket with his insignia.

Anyway, Kirk and Spock hustle in after Bones, and he barks that this person, whoever he is, is more powerful than they are, and if he wants to play Dead Presidents, then they'll play along.

Chekov calls to say that Lincoln is ready to beam up, and Spock checks the equipment. Lincoln is morphing from some kind of rock-thing with claws into human. When he finally registers as full human, Scotty beams him up. The Reds have set their phasers for heavy stun just in case, and Spock has started up some honor band music.

 This screencapture sort of says it all: Kirk looks awed. Spock looks mildly interested. And everyone in a Red uniform is clearly questioning the life choices that brought him to this moment.
Fake Lincoln steps off the pad, and inquires why he hears music but sees no musicians.
"It's taped," says Kirk. "Can't carry a full band with us." Then he explains beaming technology and introduces Spock, Scotty and the security chief, Dickerson.
Lincoln says that he would like to talk to each of them, but has to chat with Kirk first. They exit with the Reds, who have been dismissed.
"The scan I took said that guy was human," Bones tells Scotty. "What did you equipment say?"
"Spock says he's living rock," Scotty answers.
They both look nonplussed.

Kirk's Log 5906.4: "Dunno if this dude is Lincoln or not. Totes an alien, but acts like the real thing."

Kirk and Spock have taken Lincoln to the bridge. Uhura steps down to give Kirk a message from Scotty, and Lincoln calls her "a charming Negress." He then quickly apologizes, saying that, "in my time, that word is often used to refer to someone who is considered property."
Are you paying attention? This is the one redeeming part of this episode.
"Why should I take offense?" asks Uhura. "In our time, we have learned not to be bothered by words, and to be proud of who we are and where we come from." In other words, Uhura owns being a strong black woman, as she should.
*low whistle* I feel like we're moving toward that notion, but it's really, really slow-going. I'd like to skip forward to the time when we just are. Is that possible? Will I have to sling-shot around the moon to get there?
Anyway, Kirk points out that the Vulcans reached that notion far before the humans did, and Lincoln spouts off some Vulcan philosophy. Then he's puzzled, as he doesn't know why he knew that. He's also not sure why he knows that Spock will meet the foremost Vulcan philosopher in the galaxy, once he goes down to the surface.

Uhura finally gets around to telling Kirk why she's there, which is to relay the message that Scotty has been waiting for him in the briefing room for two hours.

"Oops," says Kirk.

He leaves the rest of the tour up to Uhura, and scampers off to meet with Scotty.

One: Lincoln has really been onboard for two hours already?

Two: why didn't Scotty call Kirk himself? They have communicators and a PA.

So Kirk and Spock make their way to the briefing room, where an annoyed Scotty is waiting with Bones. 

"Why are treating this dude like he's actually Lincoln?" Bones demands, getting right to the point. "And why aren't you sciencing?" he asks Spock.

"I am," replies Spock. "Sciencing involves observation. I am observing the alien."

"Are we agreed that he's an alien?" Bones asks.

"Well, yeah," says Kirk. "There's no way he's actually Lincoln. But he's a dead-ringer anyway. And why'd he pick Lincoln to begin with?"

"Because Lincoln is your hero," Spock answers. "They scanned us. They found Lincoln, and are using him to talk to you."

Good Lord, here we go again with Kirk and his heroes. Nothing good ever comes from this guy saying he admires someone.

"So anyway, Spock and I have been invited to go to the surface," says Kirk.

"That's dumb," says Bones. "We watched a patch of class-M land and atmosphere appear on the screen. It's probably molten lava. You should not go."

"Meh, we're supposed to be explorers. I'm going," says Kirk. "Spock should stay."

"Aw, hell naw!" says Spock. "I got an invitation, too!"

"You're both nuts!" yells Bones.

"And you're flirting with insubordination!" Kirk yells back.

You know, sometimes I wonder if the people writing these episodes are actually bothering to watch the show first. Sure, they get many things right, but then there's stuff like this. Insubordination? Bones yells at Spock and Kirk - his higher-ups - in practically every episode. Is the writer not paying attention, or did Kirk just get so furious with him at the drop of a hat that he needs to yell back that Bones is being insubordinate? If so, Kirk is being kind of irrationally angry over this. Bones just warned him against beaming down to an unknown planet with an unknown alien who is trying to convince them that he's Abraham Lincoln. Kirk even paused a moment ago to consider his words because they make sense.

Anyway, Kirk and Spock are gonna go.

Kirk and Spock, now in regular uniforms, beam down with Lincoln, much to the chagrin of Bones and Scotty. When they are gone, the doctor and engineer are horrified to find that the phasers and tricorders did not beam down with them, but were left behind on the transporter pads.

Downstairs, Kirk and Spock have re-materialized with Lincoln, and Spock has noticed that all their stuff is gone. They have comms, but those are not working. 

Upstairs, Scotty tries to raise them, to no avail. Power begins going out all over the ship. He and Bones run back up to the bridge, where Scotty takes command from Sulu, but no one there knows what's going on with the power, and no one in engineering does, either. The ship has been disabled.

Back down on the surface, Lincoln is again trying to convince them that he's the real deal, even though he kind of knows that them not having their stuff is as it should be. So he knows about technology, and doesn't. He knows about the situation, and doesn't. Abraham Lincoln, are you actually an android?

Oh, here comes a new dude. It's Surak, father of the modern Vulcan. The guy who decided that they should all repress their emotions. I'd like to repress my emotions for the God-awful tunic that he's wearing, but alas, I cannot. He greets Spock like Lincoln greeted Kirk: by name, with a full understanding of the person is meeting for the first time, and with the Vulcan hand gesture.

"It's not logical that you're Surak," reasons Spock.

"Bitch, is it logical to leave me hanging, or is it rude?" Surak asks.

"Truth," says Spock, and he returns the Vulcan greeting. He then apologizes that he was emotive when he saw Surak.

"It's cool," says Surak. "You were surprised. Also, it's pretty awesome that you have Terran friends. We didn't have Terran friends in my time."

They're interrupted a moment later when a nearby rock morphs into some... I dunno, like a Rock-Biter, only human-sized. It's got five glowy eyes and what kind of amounts to arms, legs, a head and a torso. It's sort of amorphous, but also kind of humanoid. I'm gonna give some props here to Star Trek for attempting another non-humanoid life form. Those are more difficult, and don't appear as often, so I'm always kind of excited when they do come up.

What it's most important to know about Yarnek the Rock Guy is that he's a complete dick. He seems to think that Kirk and Spock should be honored that he's essentially kidnapped them, and then he introduces some "friends:" Ghengis Khan; Colonel Green, who started some shit in the twenty-first century that lead to WWIII; Zora, a woman from Tiburon who fucked around with genetics; and Kahless. Rock Guy says these people are evil, and I'm taken aback. Really? That is so not how Kahless is portrayed on TNG and beyond. Also, Kahless is supposed to be from waaaay the hell back in the day - why is wearing a modern uniform? This is my problem with watching everything back-asswards, you guys. Nothing makes any sense.

I've got nothing to say about Ghenghis Khan. Nobody is questioning Khan's bad qualities, and frankly, neither he nor Zora have any lines, so I can't judge that at all. But Zora comes from the same planet as Dr Sevrin from "The Way to Eden". Both seem to be super-smart, and slightly off their rockers, so I have to wonder if that's kind of just a trait of their people.

Colonel Green will soon prove to be a total douchewaffle, but for now, let's just enjoy his uniform/onesie jammies...

...which will later be re-purposed into the flight suit for Mork from Ork.

Nanoo-nanoo, motherfuckers.

Yarnek spells it out: his people are unfamiliar with the concepts of good and evil, so he's gathered up these evil people from history, and intends to pit them against Kirk, Spock, and their own historical friends, Lincoln and Surak. They'll battle it out to the death using only things they can find, and whichever group is the winner, the Rock People will declare it to be superior. Kirk and Spock only get to leave if they survive. Just to make it extra fun, they're going to broadcast the fight on the viewscreen of the Enterprise bridge. He might even make them popcorn. (Actually, I get the feeling that if the bridge crew were offered popcorn to eat while watching this crap, only Chekov and Sulu would take him up on it. Not sure why, I just feel like they would snack through a massacre.) In fact, due to the power outage, he's lowered the lights like a movie theater. Nice.

On the bridge, Bones is going into manic mode, just like he always does when Kirk is in some kind of trouble (and ostensibly landed himself there). He asks Scotty if they can beam phasers down, and when Scotty replies they cannot do anything but watch, Bones turns to Chekov at science.

"But they're figments of imagination!"

"Naw, y'all. They're life-forms," shrugs Chekov. "Dunno what kind, but they do exist." 

Back downstairs, Kirk declares that he and Spock are opting out.

"Yeah, right," says Yarnek, and he morphs back into solid rock again. 

Colonel Green steps forward to talk to Kirk. "Hey, so, none of us want to fight. We should all work together to get the hell out of here."

Kirk remarks that Green seems different than historical accounts make him out to be, and Green laughs it off, because historical accounts never seem to get things exactly right.

"Um, I recall history saying that you tended to strike down your enemies in the midst of negotiation," Kirk muses.

"Naw, that's not me," says Green.

But his comrades have been sneaking in the rocks behind Kirk and the others, and in the next instant, a fight breaks out. Because no one else in the known universe can fight, history's greatest villains are quickly defeated, and retreat.

Yarnek comes back and gives Kirk some bullshit about how Kirk 'n them are his teachers, showing the Rock People how good and evil function. He gives Kirk the ability to call the E.

There's some straight-up time-wasting crap where Kirk comms the Enterprise, and Uhura is trying to patch him through, but Scotty is busy talking to someone in engineering, and it takes a moment for him to finish his conversation so he can talk to Kirk. He relays that something is wrong with the matter/anti-matter containment units, and that if they don't get them fixed in the next four hours, that the ship will blow up. The others on the bridge turn and look at him in surprise. He hadn't shared that with them yet.

The comms stop working.

"Okay, so I noticed that you probably needed a cause to fight for, so I gave you one," says Yarnek. "Instead of just fighting for your own lives, you now fight to save your ship and her crew. Neat, huh?"

Doooouuuche.

Scotty's Log 5906.5: "Kirk is fucked. We're fucked. T-minus two hours and counting."

Down on the surface, Kahless reports in to Green, saying that he's been spying on the others, but they aren't doing anything. Really? They've done nothing for two freaking hours? Green's team now have sharpened stick spears, but Kirk & Co are just hanging out.

Meanwhile, Kirk's group is walking through the landscape. He finds a rocky overlook and claims that it's defensible. He wants to make some simple weapons and attack, but have a place to retreat to if need be.

Spock and Surak pull Kirk aside to talk strategy. Surak says that once upon a time, Vulcan was riddled with war. They began sending advocates to their enemies, wanting to talk peace. It took a while, but eventually succeeded, and they hadn't had problems since. Kirk isn't into the idea, but Surak says that he'll go to the other group on his own to talk with them. If it works, they don't have to fight. If it fails, they can move forward with their plans. Spock tells them both that he's on their side. He will stand and fight with Kirk, but as a Vulcan, he wants to try Surak's approach first.

"Okay, go for it," says Kirk. 

Surak leaves, and Kirk directs Spock and Lincoln to fashion crude weapons from branches. I can't tell you how ridiculous I feel typing "Kirk asks Spock and Abraham Lincoln to make slingshots and spears from trees." Frankly, I blame Gene Rod. This is his obnoxious teleplay.

The others are prepping their weapons as Surak approaches. They hunker down behind a big rock while the Vulcan talks to them.

"I've come to talk peace," says Surak. "I've come on my own, but if you want peace too, then the others in my group will follow suit."

"Bullshit," says Green. "What's in it for me?"

"Living, you moron," answers Surak. "We fight, you might not live. We don't fight, everyone lives."

"Maybe," replies Green. He keeps Surak talking so that Khan and Kahless can sneak up behind Surak and capture him.

Across the landscape, Kirk, Spock and Lincoln hear Surak cry out, "Help me, Spock!"

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Whoever did Kahless' make-up read the instructions wrong.
It's spelled "klingon," not "coal miner."

When we return, it is to hear Surak yelling "help me, Spock!" a few more times. Also, Green dickishly taunting them. "Help your friend, Spock! He needs you! He's in anguish!"

"We should go!" says Kirk.

"No way," says Spock. "How long have we been friends? You seriously think, after all this time, that Vulcans would cry out in despair like that? Bitch, please."

"Oh... yeah, I guess that makes sense," Kirk agrees.

"So this is what we should do," suggests Lincoln. "You and Spock should wage a frontal assault on the others, while I slip around back and free Surak. But here's the thing: if we're going to win, then we have to match them, evil for evil." Kirk looks troubled at this. "Yeah, I'm supposed to be a gentle guy," says Lincoln, "but remember that I had to essentially sign the death warrant on a hundred-thousand men. Peace is good, but whup-ass is satisfying, too."

Ugh, who over-bronzed Lincoln? He looks like he laid in the
tanning bed for a month.

So Kirk and Spock approach the other camp, and they engage Green and his men in a rock- and stick-throwing battle. Lincoln sneaks around the back of the camp and spots Surak sitting on the ground, tied to a tree in a tiny enclosure made of branches and leaves. Lincoln unties Surak from behind, but the Vulcan falls over dead. oops. It was a big-time ruse, as Lincoln turns to see Green and Kahless standing behind him. I guess Kahless is skilled at mimicry or some crap, because he calls out "help me, Spock!" in what I guess is supposed to be Surak's voice. I have no idea if it's even close or not. Surak didn't have a particularly memorable voice, and he didn't have enough screen time for me to have taken notice. Now Kahless is imitating Lincoln's voice calling for help from Kirk. It's lower, and slower, than his Surak voice, but I really can't tell how good a match it is. Really, his best bet would be to call Kirk "Jaaaaymes" as Lincoln has been doing all episode. Looks like it isn't necessary, though. Lincoln walks out of the camp, hands behind his back, and tells them to stay away. Then he keels over dead, a spear protruding from his back. The stick and rock fight continues. Yarnek appears to be enjoying himself. Or I guess he is. It's hard to tell because he doesn't have a frickin' face.

Zora runs away. Kirk wrestles with Kahless. Kahless gets taken down, and he runs away. Spock is taking on Khan, but at one point, Khan steps back, and Kirk decides to just take over that fight, too. Geez Kirk, you can't even let Spock finish his own fight? The guy is stronger than you, and wasn't doing too badly. But because Kirk is the be all-end all, he gets a few punches in, and suddenly Khan is terrified and runs away as well. So Kirk single-handedly ran three super-villains off. Now he has to take down Green, which of course he does with ease. We don't see him finish off Green, because Green falls between some rocks. But Kirk pretty much declares himself the winner, anyway.

"Okay, so, you win," says Yarnek. "Everybody else ran off. Really, you wasted like, three and half hours doing diddly-squat, then you threw a few punches and everybody turned tail. You could have saved yourself and your crew all that time. What's more, I didn't see a real difference between the good and evil methods. You guys used the same tactics, and you won. Does that make you good or evil?"

"You established the parameters, you a-hole!" Kirk yells.

"So what?" says Yarnek. "You can go."

Kirk is all indignant that Yarnek would steal people from space and pit them against each other so they can learn about stuff, but Yarnek is already melting back into his rock shape. Yarnek has zero fucks to give. His experiment ran its course, but no conclusions were reached, saved for "Both sides used the same tactics, and was victorious because the others ran away."

"Ugh, fuck that guy," says Kirk. He flips open his comm. "Sulu, beam us the hell out of here."

Back on the bridge, everyone is reporting that everything is now fine with the ship. The Earth-like spot on the planet's surface is returning back to the molten-lava normal.

"What do you think happened?" Kirk asks Spock.

And Spock gives the explanation that everyone guessed, because they really don't need to sum up after they've already given little bits of that explanation already: that Yarnek's people scanned their minds, found Lincoln and Surak, and fashioned them out of living rock people. So basically, Yarnek said, "Today you're going to play the part of an alien leader from the past. He's been dead a long time, but here's your character worksheet." And all of the rock people rolled ones for strength and fighting skills.

"Seemed real," says Kirk. "Like dude was the really-real Lincoln."

"Meh," says Spock. "They pulled Lincoln and Surak from our minds. Of course they seemed real. They were those people as we perceived them."

And so Kirk climbs into his big ol' chair, and gives Sulu the order to get the hell out of Dodge, and they do.

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 6
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 0
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 7
Total crew deaths thus far: 49

A bunch of self-aware illusions died, I guess.

This episode is shockingly similar to "Arena", the season one episode that features Kirk fighting the now-iconic Gorn for the amusement of the Metrons, a higher life form. In both episodes, Kirk is fighting against other aliens while a third alien watches, and while they are on a planet where they are only allowed to use their surroundings as weapons. Each of the "higher life form" aliens are smarmy douchebags, telling Kirk & Co that they are inferior beings, and they want to know a bit more, so are challenging them. In both cases, the fights are broadcast on the bridge of the E so that the crew can potentially watch Kirk die. Then, the alien declares that humans are inferior but show promise or some shit, and all is well with the universe. The difference is, "Arena" was pretty good, and this was just... kind of awful. "What stuff should I include in this episode? How about Kahless and Abraham Lincoln in a fight? Sounds great!"

*******

So I haven't finished my Adagio fandom sampler yet, mostly because it requires getting out the stool and hauling my short ass up to the highest shelf, where my tall-ass roommates think it's fun to stash my tea strainers. tl;dr: I was too lazy to get the strainers down and fill them with loose-leaf, so I reviewed a bunch of bottled tea in the meantime. 

I forgot to do that this week, and found myself needing to review a tea. I had already covered the millions of other blends we had in the cupboard, so I resignedly climbed onto the counters to get my punched-tin Tardis. I selected the Nine blend, this time, but was not looking forward to it, as the base is Gunpowder green, which I'm not terribly fond of. It also lists Irish Breakfast as a base, as well as aniseed, chestnut, and cinnamon.

It's not the worst thing ever (I tried a small amount of Sweet Corn soda this weekend, which was far worse than this), but because it contains so many things that are not my favorite... well, it isn't my favorite. The aniseed is strong, but actually not overpowering, because it's blended with so many other things. Despite having a strong taste, it's fairly mellow. The after tatse was bitter, but I suspect that I once again steeped it too long, rather than it being a combo of black and smoky bases, though that probably contributed. The cinnamon was actually a nice touch, which is interesting, as I don't really care much for cinnamon, either. The whole thing feels fairly balanced. If you enjoy anise, you might give it a shot. As for me, I'll probably give the rest of the sample tin to someone who appreciates that blend more than I do.

http://www.adagio.com/signature_blend/blend.html?blend=29454

Curie claims the padded table.