ST:TNG Season Five, Episode Thirteen "The Masterpiece Society"

ST: TNG Season Five, Episode Thirteen "The Masterpiece Society"
Production Order: 13
Air Order: 13
Stardate: 45470.1
Original Air Date: February 10, 1992

Picard's Log 45470.1: "We're going to the Moab sector. Our scientists have been tracking the stellar core of a neutrino star, to see if it fucks with any of the planets it passes."

Picard enters the bridge, and Riker tells him that they have a problem: the core fragment will pass by Moab IV in six days, and while that was expected, they were not expecting a colony to be on that planet. And they're human.

"The hell?" asks Picard. "There shouldn't be humans here."

"They're in an artificial environment on the surface," Data confirms.

"Ships reported missing in this sector?" Picard asks.

Nope, none. And hails are getting no response.

"How'd they get here?" Picard is baffled.

"Pretty sure they know we're here," La Forge calls from the Engineering station. "I can see some activity."

"Let's try the lower EM band channels from the last century," Picard suggests to Worf, who opens the channels.

"Hey, this Picard from the Enterprise, the ship in orbit? Sorry to ring your doorbell, but we need to talk to you. Kind of urgent here."

"The defensive shield went up," Worf announces.

"Okay, we're not here to hurt you," Picard says. "Hella earthquakes coming to you in less than a week. Like, real bad. Everything-coming-down bad. Please answer."

And now they wanna talk.

A human named Aaron Conor shows up onscreen, and see that guy hovering in the background? That's Martin Benbeck, and he is not happy.

"Look, not to be rude," says Conor with diplomatic patience, "but we're not into chit-chat, and we don't like outsiders."

Huh, same. A whole colony of introverts?

"We only answered because of your warning," he adds.

"Yeah, this core fragment -"

"Cool," says Conor. "Listen, we've also been tracking that thing, and we're fine. Our structures have been designed to handle 8.7 on the Richter scale."

"Here's the thing," says Data. "Given the core's size, and what kind of quakes this will cause... y'all gonna die."

"We need to evacuate you," Picard says.

"Ooh, that's not gonna happen."

Like, flood waters are rising here, and you're all gonna drown, and they come by in a lifeboat, and you say No Thanks?

"Okay, we can find alternatives." Picard is losing patience. "You wanna come on board our ship, and we can figure something out?"
"Our environment is sealed," Conor argues. "Nobody can come in or out."

Picard smiles a Not-A-Smile. "We have matter/energy transport."

Conor has an "ooh, shiny!" reaction to that. He doesn't want to leave. He's the HBIC, and he's needed there. But he will consent to a few E crewmembers beaming down, if nothing more so than he can see it in action.

Benbeck's face has a "the fuck you say!" look now. We have no idea who this guy is, but he's pissed, and wondering how Conor has the audacity to let these people beam down.

We go down to the surface of Moab IV and get a nice matte painting of the surface:

Kinda scary, and... Mars-like. Not inhabitable outside.

Inside the biosphere, Benbeck follows Conor to berate him: outsiders are not allowed, period.

The away team - Riker, Troi and La Forge - beam down in a courtyard, and Conor has another star-struck moment.

But Benbeck is having none of it.

Dramatic music! Opening credits break!

In the courtyard, Conor and Benbeck tell the away team about how they have a closed society, which has been completely genetically-engineered: each person has been engineered to be the perfect specimen of their job and part in society, and their environment has as well, which is why leaving would fuck up all the shit.

"It would be suicide," argues Benbeck.

Getting a bit hyperbolic there, buddy. Have you all been genetically-engineered that you breathe a slightly-altered form of oxygen that's only available in this biosphere? No? Then it wouldn't be suicide to leave, just difficult. And it would leave an imbalance in the system, but no one would die.

Conor explains that the founders of their society selectively-bred its members to be without flaws, and to build a paradise.

"We've evolved," marvels Benbeck, "beyond..."

He stumbles in his thinking, because he's looking at La Forge, who is standing before him, physically disabled with a prosthesis.

"Beyond us," La Forge finishes in disgust.

You expect Benbeck to push back a little at that, to declare that that isn't what he's saying at all, but he says the quiet part out loud, possibly because good manners wasn't part of his genetic menu.

"Well, yeah. No one in our society would be blind. No offense," he adds.

Sassy La Forge Moment: "I can see you just fine, sir."

Benbeck starts to argue, but Conor cuts him off to say that this is an example that they haven't perfected everything yet, and they still need to work on some things.

Cooler in that shade, y'all.

Conor further explains that every living thing in the biosphere has been engineered to work in harmony with all of the others, to maintain a balance, so they can't just extract themselves.

"You being here has already affected The Balance," snaps Benbeck.

Spoiler alert: they will never show any evidence of this balance being tipped, which makes it hard to believe the struggle to evacuate is a real one, and not just something they've been programmed to think.

"If we all die, then The Balance won't matter much, will it?" asks Conor.

Benbeck closes his mouth and walks away.

Conor apologizes to the away team, but explains that Benbeck is "performing his function" exactly as he was designed. Dude is a human Data?

He explains that Benbeck's function is to interpret the desires of the founders and make sure that they're being carried out, like a judge.

HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING COMM BADGE.

Dude is a one-man Supreme Court? This is a TERRIBLE idea. Not to mention stagnating. What if the people decide to move forward in a progressive way, and Benbeck tells them no? Is there any way to enforce that, or is that the be all, end all? What The Founders Wanted isn't the only way to live. Just... this idea is awful. Maybe there are 8 other Benbecks who meet and make a judgement? I don't know. I just hate this system so much.

Conor says that he was designed to be the leader of the people, and that everyone knows exactly what their role is, and what to do. He launches into a defense of their society that's definitely still an issue here: are there people who go their whole lives without knowing their purpose? Are there people who are listless because they haven't figured out what they're good at? What if there are amazing poets stuck in deadend jobs, who can never become those amazing poets because of the aforementioned unsuitable work?

Now, I think about this a lot, because the things I am good at are not deemed worthy of paychecks in the current system.

But they took one problem, and genetically-engineered a solution? An entire society full of people who have been designed to never be unhappy at work, with a Benbeck to make sure they're smiling through it all? What if their scientists want to take up music as a hobby? Are they allowed hobbies?

Anyway, Conor says they treasure their way of life, and Troi tells him that they'll help him preserve it.

Conor takes the away team to a science lab and introduces them to Hannah Bates, a theoretical physicist. She and La Forge start comparing notes right away on the stellar core and what they can do to protect the colony.

Riker beams back, but Troi asks to stay to see more of the biosphere.

When Riker beams out of the lab, Bates also has an "ooh, shiny!" moment.

Spoiler alert: they're going to have Troi and Conor fall for one another.

Also spoiler alert: nobody ships this.

Troi and Conor walk through a garden, and she worries (but not a lot) that being there has fucked up all of the shit, but he shrugs it off as "damage done." He admits that today has been exciting, meeting new people, and meeting her. She tells him that this place is great, and that if they had a hotel, she'd book her next vacation there.

"I'll have them build a hotel," he tells her cheerfully.

Meh.

In the lab, La Forge and Bates agree that the magnitude of the earthquakes caused by the stellar core fragment would destroy the biosphere enough to ruin the careful environment set up inside. Bates asks La Forge what kind of power the E can generate, and she shows him a theory she came up with when they first noticed the fragment headed their way: that they can move the fragment just enough to pass by them without impacting the planet. She tells La Forge that the colony doesn't have the power to move the fragment, but the E might.

La Forge and Bates tell Troi and Conor about their plan, and of course, Benbeck is there. He needs to be so he can tell them sternly that the founders would not approve.

Basically, Bates needs to transport up to the E to help La Forge alter the ship's tractor beam.

Conor notes that, prior to this day, no one had ever left or visited.

Benback tries to convince Conor not to let her leave, but does so in a plaintive voice rather than a lecturing one. He talks about The Balance again. And he's worried about how transporting Bates will affect her DNA.

La Forge is over this ableist asshole. "It won't! We have more than 100 years proof of that!"

Conor agrees to let Bates transport up, and she goes with La Forge and Troi. But not before Troi gets permission from Conor to come back. Because, you know, she like-likes him.

A shot of Benbeck looking disapproving! Dramatic music! Commercial break!

What is this, the animated series? He stood like this 
through the entire scene

Picard's Log, supplemental: "La Forge and Bates have been working on their plan, but they have to get it done within 48 hours, or we'll have to evacuate the colonists instead."

  In the ready room, Picard asks Troi how likely it is for the colonists to evacuate. She tells him honestly that they're very attached to their environment, and some will choose death over leaving.

He makes an irritated comment about how the colonists have taken "dubious science and turned it into dogma."

"You don't approve?" she asks.

"Eugenics was a crappy idea, and it should have been left in the past." 

When she notes that the colonists have seemed to make it work for them, he remarks that genetic manipulation has done away with all of the things that make a human a human: uncertainty and struggle and the like.

"I wouldn't want to live like that, with my future having been written before I was born. Would you?" he asks her.

She admits that she's been thinking about that a lot, but doesn't have an answer.

When he asks about Conor, she waxes poetic about how he's "the perfect administrator."

"Could you talk him into leaving, if need be?" he suggests. "If he's a good leader, he should be able to see reason, and the others may follow."

Downstairs in Engineering, things are not going well. Bates and La Forge keep trying to beef up the power to the tractor beam so they can shift the fragment, but the system keeps overloading.

La Forge sits down at a console, tired, and takes off his VISOR.

Bates is stunned to see his eyes. "Were you always blind?

Girl, how did you not know? Did you think he was wearing a banana clip on his face for fashion?

La Forge apologizes - he thought she knew, and didn't realize he'd dropped a bomb on her. But when he starts to put the VISOR back on to cover up, she quickly tells him not to, that she didn't mean to embarrass him.

 At least she's not a jerk like Benbeck is.

He tells her that he's never been embarrassed by it, and that he was born blind.

She asks to see his VISOR out of scientific curiosity, which he allows.

"I would never have been born on your planet, would I?" he asks.

"No," she admits.

"I would have been eliminated as a fertilized cell," he continues.

Bates explains that it was the wish of the founders that no one should suffer with disabilities. She isn't defending it, per se. Just stating facts. But she's lived her whole life with these facts, and no one has ever challenged them in her very small world.

"Who gave them the right to decide that I wouldn't have something to contribute?"

Bates is stunned. She doesn't have an answer to that, and says so. She's being far more open-minded about the situation than Benbeck. Handing La Forge his VISOR, she asks how it works.

He's more than willing to explain the science behind it, and when she asks how it handles sensory overload, he has a lightbulb moment. He realizes that the answer to their problems comes through with VISOR technology - that short pulses of energy won't overload the tractor beam system like a continues stream would.

She sees the idea immediately and recognizes that it could work.

"You see the irony that a man who never would have existed in your society, is about to save it, using tech that allows him to work around that disability, right?"

A little heavy-handed, Star Trek. But it's a point in favor of disabled people that he gets to point that out directly to her.

To her credit, Bates takes it in stride, and gives him a bashful smile in return.

Troi and Conor are enjoying an outdoor concert with a bunch of others, while a kid plays the piano. The concert is interrupted by a brief earthquake, and Conor tells the kid to continue playing, then he walks away. Troi follows.

"Maybe I'm naïve," she says, "but couldn't you just remake this somewhere else?" 

He responds by citing Humpty Dumpty, and there's her answer: once broken, they can't put it back together again.

She says she's sorry she can't help more, and he tells her that she's been very helpful and supportive these past few days. Then they both agree that starting an affair would be wrong of them, and proceed to make out in the garden.

Again, nobody ships this.

Upstairs, Bates and La Forge show their progress and plan to Riker and Picard, noting the VISOR technology. They can boost the power of the tractor beam by 300% this way, with the pulses.

"But you said you needed 400 percent," Riker reminds them.

"We do," Bates admits. "We can't get that, but we can move the fragment just enough that it won't do catastrophic damage. We'll have to shore up the biosphere. Between the two, that should do the trick."

"We can beam down teams of engineers to help with that process," adds La Forge.

And now, the inevitable break-up.

It's morning on Moab IV, and Troi is picking out a song on the piano like an adult who half-learned a song as a kid and wants to see if she can still remember how to play it.

Conor approaches and says she's up early, implying that she slept with him.

"I'm going back to the ship, and I won't be coming back here," she tells him. "This is wrong, and I'm angry with myself for letting it happen."

"It's fine," he tries to tell her, but she cuts him off.

"Really? And how would Benbeck feel about adding half-Betazoid DNA to your society? A few days ago, you wouldn't talk to us, and now you're inviting me to stay here and further fuck up The Balance!"

He attempts to argue with her, saying that they don't have to continue a relationship, that he'll be a good boy, and keep it in his pants if she'll stay and help him, but they're interrupted by Bates and La Forge beaming down.

"We can do the thing," Bates reports. "But we need 50 scientists and engineers to beam down and help us fortify the shields and structure."

Conor balks. That's a lot of people messing up this unseen Balance that they keep going on about. "Alternatives?"

"None," she states.

 He agrees, and La Forge starts beaming teams and equipment down.

There's another slight earthquake, and now I'm wondering... is the earthquake supposed to represent the shift in The Balance? It's never talked about, and this whole time I've been thinking that these smaller tremors were due to the fact that the fragment is inching closer to them, but maybe these other, smaller ones were due to the balance shift. That's confusing. Is it an indication of imbalance or not?

Anyway, beam-down, tremor, dramatic music, yada yada, commercial break.

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Gonna do the thing."

They bring the ship up next to the fragment, and down in Engineering, La Forge and Bates wish each other luck before going to different stations to work on shifting the stellar core.

They start the process, and to make the scenes involving "move big ball a little bit" more tense, they're moving life support to the minimum levels, and then they lose life support completely on several decks. Worf gives evac orders to those decks. La Forge calls for more power, Riker gives it but warns that they need to use the power quickly, and some emitters shut down. They manage to move the Big Glowy Ball just enough, five seconds before all life support shuts down ship-wide.

Picard calls Conor to tell him the good news, and they also patch Bates and La Forge in in Engineering.

"That's so great!" says Conor. "Bates, we can't wait to honor you when you get back!"

And Bates smiles, but when they cut the screen, she stops smiling, and steps into the immediate foreground, with the faraway look that says "trouble brewing."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "Moved the fragment enough that, even though the colony was rocked heavily, it's in one piece."

Downstairs, La Forge and Riker are overseeing the pack-up and beam-up of the E crew and their equipment, and they say goodbye to Conor.

An alarm goes off, one that Conor recognizes as a breach warning. They all run for Bates.

We jump to Bates scanning the inside of the biosphere with a little handheld. She tells them that there's very tiny structural damage, and that the biosphere has been breached, and that they may have to evacuate in the next few hours. They begin moving very fast toward the lab to run diagnostics, and in the end, only La Forge and Bates end up there.

She starts typing frantically, telling him that there's a small crack below the surface, and includes a toxic leak.

"Uh-huh," he says flatly. "Why are you doing this? There's no leak, and no breach. My VISOR would have seen it instantly."

Ah, Bates had not banked on that. "Well, fuck. Here's the thing: I was bred to be the best scientific mind in my generation, but here I am, seeing your tech, which is so far beyond what we have. And I have to wonder if someone deciding all of my needs would be met way before I was born would lead us all into a situation where we're living in the Dark Ages."

"I guess necessity really is the mother of invention," he replies.

We jump to the Obs Lounge, where La Forge tells the senior staff that Bates wants to leave the colony.

Riker then tosses in that there are probably more than just Bates: the away teams were getting a lot of curious questions from the colonists about the World Outside.

"She wants asylum," La Forge says.

A discussion erupts about whether or not they can grant that. Starfleet basically says yes, and Gates McFadden gets paid to sit in on this one scene and deliver two lines about how genetically integrated the colony is, and how there will be big gaps in The Balance if some people leave.

"Well, we saved them from destruction," shrugs Worf.

"Did we?" demands Picard. "Fuck, I need to meet with Conor."

Troi is chosen to go to the surface with Picard, to introduce him to Conor, and they get in the lift.

"So hey," she says uneasily. "I screwed Conor. Thought you'd like to know. It was not professional at all, and I ended it, and I didn't intend to see him ever again, but here we are."

Picard pauses. "Everybody makes mistakes. Pobody's nerfect."

Awkward Elevator Conversations With Your Boss, Vol I

On the surface, we're joining an argument already in progress between Conor, Benbeck, and Bates. Bates tells an angry Benbeck that the best course of action would be for the colony to rejoin the human race. Benbeck chastises her for wanting to leave, and further upsetting The Balance. Troi and Picard come in, and Benbeck yells that they should have never picked up the phone when the E called.

"We'd be dead if we hadn't answered those hails!" Bates yells back.

"You can't take her!" Benbeck yells at Picard.

"I'm leaving, and I'm taking the dozen or so people with me that want to go!" she fires off.

Troi takes Bates for a walk while Picard and Conor talk. 

That... leaves a weird taste in my mouth, two dudes deciding whether or not a woman can leave. I know there's a bit more to it than that, but... yeah.

Benbeck does not go quietly.

Seriously, what is this TAS homage?

"He saw this coming," laments Conor.

The following argument between them is basically Conor talking about how he knows how Bates feels, because he has also been dazzled by the outsiders, but he was bred to be the leader of the colony, and cannot allow it to be destroyed by letting people leave.

"Just take your ship and go," he begs.

"I can't," says Picard. "They as humans have a right to request asylum. I can't ignore that."

"But what about the rights of others who would stay behind and have to deal with their loss in the colony? The loss of The Balance?"

"Let's have a meeting with the people who are thinking of leaving," Picard suggests. "I can encourage them to stay, but if they want to go, I'm taking them with me."

And now, another argument: Picard admits that they have been disruptive to the colony; Conor begs the defectors to stay; Benbeck yells that they can't leave, and Bates insists that she and the others want the opportunity to explore the stars, like Picard does. 

Conor proposes that the defectors wait for six months, as a compromise.

"That's six months of you trying to convince us to change our minds," Bates points out.

"Wait the six months," Picard urges. "See if you really want to leave. We'll come back then, for those who still want to leave."

"I'm not changing my mind," Bates insists.

Conor pauses. "When you want to come home, we'll welcome you."

Later, Troi and Conor walk in the garden again.

Conor ends up telling her that he's in love with her, and always will be.

She doesn't reply.

Because even she doesn't ship it.

In the last scene, Riker enters the ready room to tell Picard that 23 colonists have come aboard, and they're ready to leave now. Picard suggests that this is a good example of the Prime Directive, but Riker doesn't think it is, because the people in question are human, and the PD is about alien cultures. Picard ends the episode by stating that he thinks their presence at this colony may have been just as destructive as the core fragment might have been.

So... this episode is not really worth writing home about. Director Winrich Kolbe noted that it lacked energy, and I have to say that I agree. There are multiple takes on eugenics in Star Trek, and this is just another. Let's put it this way: you go to the library looking for a book about the Earth. You take down all the books the library has about Earth, and you look through them all, trying to find the most new information. Each book has repeat information, though some have something new. This episode is like the book that has repeat information only. It tried to have something new, but didn't succeed. The closest it comes is to ask, "we saw what happens when people who have genetic manipulation like what they got, what happens when they don't?" And the answer is... they are dissatisfied, and leave. Honestly, I think the better story here would have been to follow those people and see how they fit into the society they were re-entering, as people who had had their flaws genetically removed prior to birth. This episode is really just an entry in the category of "Star Trek episodes that deal with eugenics." And there are better entries.

The one thing this episode has going for it is the point that disabled people have something to offer society at large. In this case, La Forge's VISOR held the key to keeping the colonists alive, and without that technology, finding the answer to their problem would have been nigh on impossible. Interestingly, fans found themselves wondering if this episode had a pro-life theme. Show-runners denied this, though it is a conversation that occurs organically here.

In the end, there were several things that bugged me about "Masterpiece Society."

One was that it takes place so soon after last week's episode. Troi, Riker, and Crusher were all mentally assaulted, and the last time we saw the E, it was headed for the Ullian homeworld so those crewmembers could undergo treatment for their assaults. We have no idea how long they were there, but less than two weeks lapsed between the beginning of that episode, and the beginning of this one. Not only was the time short, but it feels like Troi would know that it was not a good idea to jump into a new relationship with someone right after that kind of trauma. And she fell immediately for a guy who's about as interesting as dry toast.

Second: the whole Balance thing was murky at best. It's never show in any tangible way, and it's never explained if those smaller quakes were The Balance trying to shift itself. The whole episode keeps telling us about an invisible boogey man, but never gives evidence. Was the evidence supposed to be those smaller quakes? It's unknown; not one line of dialogue ever indicates that the quakes were either related to the core fragment, or related to The Balance. Why not toss a line in, and clear that up?

Thirdly, this colony was established after the (in-universe) Eugenics War of the 1990's, but before Khan and his ilk reappeared on the scene in the 23rd century. (Given how isolated the colony was, they would not have known about his return either way.) This means that these founders chose eugenics for their colony, knowing only that a race of superhumans had been bred on Earth, and proceeded to take over, and fuck up all of the shit. Did the aforementioned founders decide that they alone knew how to genetically manipulate DNA to make good humans? Did they figure that being tied to a society, as well as the conditions in the biosphere, would keep them all in line? What were they using to prevent more Khans?

This could have been a pretty good episode, but it just wasn't.

* A quick note about using the name Moab here. For all of us asking, "Like the Mormon city in Utah?" the answer is no, it was named after the biblical city of Moab (MOH-ub), which was in Jordan. While digging for whether or not there might be Moab, UT connections, I found that Moab, UT was so named (as the tale goes) by a postmaster that noted that both Utah and Jordan were part of the "far country." Future residents didn't like that Moab the biblical city was known for incest and idolatry, and several attempts were made to change the name, but it remained Moab. Could some connections be made between the Moab System and ancient Moab being incestuous and idolatrous? Meh. You can make it if you want to. But the writers only cared to share enough with interested fans that they used that name to reference Moab in Jordan. (They did, however, seem to use the Moab, UT pronunciation of the name: Moh-AB.) 

Fun Facts:

- The story for this episode was titled "The Perfect Human," and featured an Eden of beautiful people and skimpy clothes. Which sounds exactly like season one's "Justice," honestly. In this case, everyone was beautiful and perfect because of genetic engineering. But there wasn't anything terribly interesting about that.

- It passed through the hands of five writers before getting to Michael Piller, who wrote the script we see here, which is... kind of nothing like the original story. Piller's struggle with this script was to figure out how to define a genetically-engineered society.

- Producer/screenwriter Adam Belanoff suggested that it would be far more interesting to have a more diverse group of people, who have each been engineered for their specific goals in life, and to have them work and exist in perfect harmony with each other and within the biosphere. Belanoff explained that, in a world where everyone is perfectly engineered, people would get bored, and things would stagnate. So, the struggle comes from one person destroying the balance if they left.

- Rick Berman wanted to make sure that the tumultuous outdoor effects could be seen through the windows of the biosphere, which proved a little tricky for the production team. It involved a lot of blue screens in the background.

- Sick bay scenes were filmed at Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. Maybe those ended up on the cutting room floor? There were no sick bay scenes in this episode.
- Ron Canada (Martin Benbeck) and Dey Young (Hannah Bates) will return again in episodes of DS9.

- John Snyder also played Bochra on season two's "The Enemy."

- Picard's opinion of eugenics being a bad idea whose time has passed refers to the Eugenics Wars of the 1990's, and Khan Noonien Singh.

- It also comes up in "Unnatural Selection," though Picard offers no criticism there.

- Eugenics will come up again in DS9 and Enterprise.

- Michael Piller was apparently not loving this season up to this point, but considered this to be kind of a turn-around for him. He liked the idea that this situation featured a Kobyashi Maru, in that everyone did everything right, but things didn't turn out well in the end.

- Neither Rick Berman nor Jeri Taylor liked this episode. Berman thought it was "slow and talky," while Taylor just didn't like the concept at all.

- Berman and director Winrich Kolbe both referred to "casting difficulties" when discussing their dislike of this episode, which is a diplomatic way of saying that neither liked John Snyder (Aaron Conor) in this role. There may have more to it than that, but that was all that Memory Alpha would admit to on the subject.

- Ronald D Moore had a colorful way of expressing himself here: "This is another example of a show that doesn't really work too well. We sort of show up at a genetically perfect colony - which in and of itself is starting to bore me - and when we get there, it's "Gee, Troi falls in love with one of the people." You can't wait to get up and get a beer." Lol.

- Adam Belanoff's genetics teacher called him after watching the episode, telling him that the drama was good, but the science was "terrible."

- Found a 47:

Red deaths: 0
To date: 1
Gold deaths: 0
To date: 0

Blue deaths: 0
To date: 0
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0
To date: 0

Sassy La Forge moments: 1

To date: 0

Sassy Ro Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Riker Moments: 0
To date: 1

Sassy Picard Moments: 0
To date:  0

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Keiko Moments: 0

To date: 3
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Troi Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy Guinan Moments: 0
To Date: 1
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 1
To date: 3

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 0
To date: 31

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 0
To date: 8

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 1
To date: 2
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 1
Picard Maneuvers: 3
To date: 8
Tea, Earl Grey: 2
To date: 5

Mentions of the number 47: 1

To date: 2

Our Don-Don passed away this weekend. Gentle reminder to 
consider senior cats and those with FIV when adopting. <3

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (Part I)

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (Part I)
Original Theatrical Release Date: June 4, 1982
Rating: PG
Stardate: 8130.3, but "real" date debatable

Hey, what's up with that stardate? Don't you have a real one, Lady Archon?
Maybe? It really depends on who you ask, especially with canon being added all the time.
So for purposes of plot and real time, Khan states that there's been a fifteen-year time difference between when he meets Kirk in "Space Seed" and when he meets Kirk in this film. In terms of "real time" it's actually fourteen years, but that's close enough. In Enterprise, Kirk's exact birthdate is given as March 22, 2233. (Odd, I'd actually pegged him as a Leo.) You can then sort of guess based on that, and given that his birthday occurs during this film. Some people have placed this during Kirk's 49th year, others his 52nd. So the closest we can really come to it is "March, sometime in the 2280's," which is not very accurate, but again, close enough. Plugging the stardate given into the translator, it comes up with a date in the 24th century, which does not work with the timeline at all.
The nice thing is, Gene Rod started the stardate thing to throw people off as to how far in the future Star Trek takes place. He didn't want to be presumptuous about technology and the state of things to come in the immediate future, so he went with the vague stardate thing, saying that it could take place anywhere between the 21st and 31st centuries. But by this point, fans really wanted to know, and they kind of needed to start locking down some dates for consistency, so the film starts out by telling us that it takes place "in the 23rd century."

*******

Our opening sequence shows us moving through space, past the stars. Know how they got this shot? They went to a planetarium, set the camera so that it was pointing up, and pressed "record." That's fucking genius, friends. And it's a good budget move. Why film what someone else has already done?

Unrelated note: not my favorite font. Looks better when filled in, but still: your franchise already has a super-iconic font. Why not use it?

Captain's Log 8130.3: "Enterprise is on a training mission to Gamma Hydra, near the Neutral Zone. Everything going smoothly."

This log is made by someone other than Kirk, and our opening shot pans around the bridge. Uhura, Spock, and Bones are seen, and Sulu is at the helm. But this chick is the one they're calling Captain, and she's sitting in The Big Chair, making the log entry.

Uhura reports that she's getting a message in from a nearby ship, and the girl with the ears asks her to put it on speaker. They get a swift, garbled description of distress from the SS Kobayashi Maru. They're in the Neutral Zone, nearly 400 people aboard, and losing life support.

"Damn," she mutters, and the audience goes "whuuuuu...?" because Vulcans should not be reacting that way.

She has Sulu plot an intercept course, and he starts to tell her that they're not supposed to be in the neutral Zone, but she cuts him off. They head in, and she calls the transporter room to alert them to beam over survivors.

Oops, no. Klingons are here.

They've entered the Neutral Zone via recycled footage from ST:TMP.

She tries to get Uhura to tell the Klingons that they're on a rescue mission, to no avail. The Klingons start firing, and while she tries evasive maneuvers, it's not working. They fire again, and people start dying. Uhura, Sulu. Bones goes to check on them and also dies. Spock dies. People are running around the bridge like headless chickens.

Scotty calls to say they're fucked, and Ear Girl makes the all-call to abandon ship.

Then some kind of bay door opens, and Close Encounters of the Kirk Kind enters.

"What should I have done differently, Admiral?"

"Pray, Mr Saavik. The Klingons don't take prisoners."

Gonna pause and address this real quick: Leonard Nimoy, having not had a great time working on TMP, was loathe to do another movie, so another male Vulcan named Saavik was written in to take his place. Saavik eventually morphed into a female, which explains why her name starts with an S rather than T'(whatever) like most Vulcan females. (This naming tradition would sort of go out the window later, as more Vulcans came onto the scene with names that did not fit this algorithm. Most notably - for me, anyway - are Tuvok from Voyager, and Dr Selar from TNG.) While it isn't discussed in the films, it's sort of canon that Saavik is Vulcan-Romulan (Zod only knows how that was accomplished), which is why she is sometimes emotional. But fans have argued about the fact that she is repeatedly referred to as "mister," insisting that the script was not changed over after Saavik became female. In truth, the writers decided against Gene Rod's wishes to keep Starfleet less "militarized," and gave the uniforms, verbiage, and overall feel of Starfleet a more Navy wash. In short, all crew members onboard a ship are referred to as "mister" regardless of gender. Why not just call Saavik by rank? Because, as we are about to find out, Saavik is a cadet. No rank yet.

So Kirk calls for lights, and it turns out to be a simulator. He calls Spock "captain" and the Vulcan gets up and tells his cadet trainees to go to the debriefing room. On the floor, Bones asks if he was convincing, because De Kelley is adorable.

Saavik has stayed on the bridge set and now tells Kirk that she doesn't think the test was a fair measure of her abilities. She's pretty straight-forward and not whiny about it, but she's clearly pissed off in that Vulcan way. He tells her that the Kobayashi Maru test is a no-win situation, and that's why it's given. She admits to having had the thought that she could not wend her way out of anything, and he replies that how one thinks of death is just as important as how one thinks of life. Pretty sure she'd like to punch someone. More kolinahr for you, Saavik.

On his way off the simulator deck, Kirk is stopped when Bones asks why they don't just put an experienced crew on the E. Kirk replies on his way out the door that "gallivanting around the stars is a young man's game." Our OG crew members are baffled, because that doesn't sound like Kirk.

Kirk leaves the simulator area and encounters Spock.

"You wanna know how your cadets did, huh?"

"Pretty much."

"They destroyed the ship, and you died."

"So what? You took the test three times before coming out the other end," says Spock.

"Meh. I did something no one else had," Kirk replies.

And it kind of annoys me to no end that Kirk found a way to win the no-win situation.

He thanks Spock for the hard-cover of "Tale of Two Cities" that the Vulcan has given him. He reads the first sentence aloud, about it being the best and worst of times, and asks if that's supposed to mean anything. Spock just replies that birthdays should be the best of times, and that he got the book for Kirk knowing the latter's affinity for antiques.

Spock is paged to the shuttle bay. He has to do one more walk-through before Admiral Kirk's inspection. Kirk goes home.

Kirk has a pretty nice apartment, although I guess that's par for the course when you're a Starfleet admiral. Bones comes by with birthday gifts, and Kirk unwraps a bottle of Romulan ale, super-illegal. Apparently in the Trek universe, Romulan ale is treated much like Cuban cigars were during the embargo: illegal to buy and trade, but people in high places could get them and thumb their noses at the law.

Oh, Bones. You're so charmingly full of shit.

You know, I don't mind the rest of his outfit, but those pants on Bones... no, thank you. Are those like... space chaps?

He opens Bones' other gift while the good doctor pours some shitty beer: reading glasses. We get a little more, "I know you like antiques," but those are practical as well. Kirk has to hold Spock's gift out at arms' length to read it. Apparently, he is allergic to whatever treatment they offer to people who have vision problems.

They toast and this is the face you make when swallowing Romulan ale:

Bones wants to know what's up. He thinks Kirk is restless now that he's an admiral and doesn't get to be in command in The Big Chair. He suggests that Kirk figure out how to get back out there before he becomes part of his antiques collection.

You know what? I really like this Kirk, who has been promoted out of active-active duty, and has a new-found love of antiques. It's a metaphor for a guy who can't let go of the past, and it works here. He's older, wiser, still a bit cocky, but now more unsure of himself. He's the Bojack Horseman of Star Trek, and it's made him a better character. He's more complicated now, and less Mary Sue.

Chekov's Log 8103.4: "First Officer here. The Reliant is going to Ceti Alpha VI in connection with Project Genesis. Gonna check out this planet to see if it's suitable for testing. We need something completely lifeless for it to work."

Chekov is on the bridge of the Reliant with his captain, Terrell. The guy who plays Terrell, Paul Winfield, looks familiar. In addition to a whole bunch of other stuff, as well as voice work, he plays Dathon in the TNG episode "Darmok," which is easily one of my top five all-time favorite episodes.

So Ceti Alpha VI is almost completely lifeless, but the scanner is picking up some tiny thing. It's clear that Chekov is super over this shit, so he suggests that they beam down to check it out, because it could be nothing. Or if it is something, they could move it off-world. Terrell decides to call Dr Carol Marcus, the lady heading the Genesis project. He gives the order and -

You guys, it's Kyle! Remember Kyle, the British dude who ended up in all three colors on the Enterprise, and who became the transporter guy in TAS, only they gave him a comical handlebar mustache, and he was voiced by Jimmy Doohan? That Kyle! First Rand in the last movie, and Kyle in this one. Imagine them calling people up: "Hey, remember that recurring part you had on Star Trek a thousand years ago? You want a bit part doing the same in a movie?"

So they call Dr Marcus at her space station Regula I, and we get some more recycling. The Regula I space station is actually the space station from TMP, but flipped upside down, with the station reattached at the top. This not only keeps filming costs down, but has the added benefit of making these stations all look like they were produced by the same people.

Wrath of Khan - Regula I Space Station

The Motion Picture

Carol Marcus is doubtful that whatever Chekov and Terrell have found on Ceti Alpha VI can be moved, but she gives them the go-ahead to check it out, reminding them that if there's actually life there, they'll have to keep looking for another planet. The Reliant signs out.

Carol Marcus has a walk and talk with her son, David (also Dr Marcus, so I'll just call them Carol and David from here on out). David doesn't like that they're working with Starfleet, because he feels like they're too militaristic. He's concerned that Starfleet will take a cool, benevolent project like Genesis, and somehow make it into a weapon. He calls Kirk an "overgrown Boy Scout," and Carol, belying that she knows Kirk outside of work, laughingly tells David that Kirk was many things, but never a Boy Scout.

Costume Aside: I really like the Project Genesis uniforms. They're partially recycled from those expensive-ass uniforms from TMP that everyone hated, only here they're been refitted to look like futuristic lab coats. (Admit it: David looks a bit like Dr Horrible here.) I'm also really digging the little feminine twist on Carol's sleeve.

Okay, back to the story: Terrell and Chekov beam down to Ceti Alpha VI, and it's this shitty backwoods desert planet with windstorms. We get a fabulous Chekov moment here:

Terrell: "Chekov, are you sure these are the right coordinates?"

Chekov: "Captain, this is the garden spot of Ceti Alpha VI."

Pav, can I just say how excited I am that you got a better part in this movie than the last?

After wandering around for a bit scanning stuff, they come across an intergalactic trailer park some dilapidated cargo carriers. This shot is really nicely framed by rocks, Terrell, Chekov... and their quilted booties.

They go into the cargo carriers and have a look around. Empty food tins... a game of checkers set up for another match... some kind of plastic container that houses a thing that's moving under a layer of sand. Terrell is confused as to where the rest of the ship might be, if someone crash-landed here. Chekov goes to a shelf and checks out the books there.

It's a whole shelf of foreshadowing, friends.

He reads the buckle on that seatbelt and it takes him a second, but he suddenly grabs Terrell.

"Fuck! We have to leave, like right fucking now! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!"

They put their helmets back on and fly out the door... into the arms of Jawas.

Dramatic music! Everyone is fucked!

Naw, just screwing with you. Those aren't Jawas. Everyone is fucked, though.

Just to build the anticipation, we cut back to the Reliant in orbit, where Kyle is trying to raise Terrell and can't.

Back in the carrier, Chekov and Terrell are being held by refugees of a Pat Benetar video while the guy in front of them strips off all his protective gear. You know they're drawing out the feeling of unease that Chekov must have going, but the guy's name is in the title of this film, so you know who's under all those layers of clothing.

Khan admits that he doesn't know Terrell, but says he never forgets a face, and that he never thought he'd see Chekov's again, which is hilarious, because I don't think Ricardo Montalban and Walter Koenig ever met before working on this film together.

Let's pause the movie here for a sec and talk about this controversy.

"Space Seed", the Star Trek episode that first features Khan, aired in season one, while Chekov did not join the Enterprise crew until season two. 

Writer Nicholas Meyer was aware that this was a continuity problem, but decided to ignore it, citing Sir Arthur Conan Doyle putting continuity issues into Sherlock Holmes stories, and brushing them off, saying that continuity matters less than engaging your audience. Yeah, no. I'm calling cop-out on both of your asses. Firstly Meyer, Conan Doyle was writing a series of loosely-interconnected stories that could almost be slotted interchangeably into the timeline. Star Trek has a specific timeline that one is working toward. It is all connected, and you can't just ignore that for the sake of making a story better. And frankly Arthur, you can have continuity and reader engagement at the same time. The two are not mutually exclusive, and you don't have to sacrifice either to get a better story.

Meyer admits that he could have put Uhura on the Reliant instead of Chekov, and that that would have been a way to keep the continuity, but he liked the idea of Chekov and Terrell better.

The thing is, Walter Koenig solved this continuity problem while joking with fans at conventions. He told them that while Chekov was not a bridge officer that first year, he was a lowly, "off-camera" Security Red, and had invoked the wrath of Khan by holding up the line for the guys' bathroom.

Yes, it's funny. But that shit works. Walter solved your problem, Meyer, and while you didn't need to include the bathroom part, you could have explained this gaffe by having Chekov tell Terrell that he was working "below decks" at the time of Space Seed. Especially considering that Terrell specifically asks Chekov right then and there who this guy is.

Chekov tells Terrell that Khan is a criminal, produced by 20th century genetic engineering.

Khan monologues about how Kirk marooned him and his crew fifteen years earlier, and the fifteen or so that are left are all that remain out of the seventy that Kirk sent to the planet. He asks if Chekov ever told Terrell his story "for amusement," and again, this would also be a good place for Chekov to interject how he met Khan, but it doesn't happen. Khan gives a bit of exposition on his backstory for the audience members who have never watched that particular episode, and Terrell admits that he has never met Admiral Kirk. Khan repeats the word "admiral" a few times, as though tasting it. He accuses the admiral of marooning them there to die, and Chekov loses his shit, yelling that there was life on Ceti Alpha V, and they could have done well there. This is where Khan also loses his shit, screaming that they are currently on Ceti Alpha V.

He then exposits that CA6 exploded shortly after they arrived on CA5, shifting the orbit of CA5 and completely destroying everything else. He modestly admits that his giant brain kept them from dying, but no one knows any of this because Kirk never bothered to check up on them. Then he grows all nostalgic and talks about the good ol' days on Earth when he was the Indian Hitler.

"You're a dick," spats Chekov.

It then occurs to Khan that his existence there was not expected, because Chekov and Terrell thought they were exploring CA6. He wants to know why they've come. When neither will say, he goes to that container with the sand, and tells them that he is going to introduce them to CA5's final remaining native, and then he uses a small-ish cattle prod thing to pull this shit out:

He says it killed twenty of his crew... along with his wife. If you were looking for Marla McGivers among the Pat Benetar rejects, you can stop looking. Girlfriend is dead.

Using some long-handled tweezers, he pulls these little worm-things from between those armored plates on the creature's back. Those are it's young, and guess what? They crawl in your ears, wrap around your cerebral cortex, and make you "susceptible to suggestion." Living truth serum. Got it. Oh wait, there's more? Oh, it seems that eventually you go mad and die. Yay. He drops one in each man's helmet, and the helmets are then secured back on their heads. We get some close-ups of the worm-things as they sliver in Chekov's ear while he and Terrell scream.

What lovely family fun this film is!

We switch back to Kirk, who is using his new-old reading glasses to read his new-old copy of Dickens while riding a shuttle up to the Enterprise. We get another series of loveletter shots of the E in dock (many of which were snagged from TMP), and Sulu, who is piloting the shuttle, says he's pleased anytime he gets to go aboard the E. 

While it didn't make the cut in the final film, what Sulu is referring to is the fact that he is about to be promoted to captain and will be getting his own ship soon. I really like that they allowed our crew to progress over the years. It would really suck if Commander Uhura was still stuck at lieutenant level for more than a decade. Allowing the cast to age gracefully and move up in ranks just proves that they were top of their game earlier, and they're still top of their game now. At an early stage of this film, The Shat tried to convince the producers that he could still play young Kirk through make-up tricks and movie magic. I'm so glad they told him no and decided to embrace his age instead. It would have cheapened the film, in my opinion.

Kirk tells Sulu that he's glad to have him at the helm for the next three weeks, and little by little, things are falling into place: rather than put an experienced crew on the E, Spock is training up cadets to run this ship specifically. His friends are helping him out, which they can do because they're the crew of the muthafuckin' OG Enterprise, and no one tells them no. Here, they are going to be doing a three-week training mission to get things running smoothly. Then the whole crew will probably graduate Starfleet and set off on a five-year mission.

They dock with the E and enter through the shuttle airlock, where they meet Spock, Saavik, and all of the cadets, lined up on either side of the torpedo bay, which is a feature never seen before, and is actually a re-dress of the bridge of the Klingon ship. Kirk is going to inspect the crew and ship, and as he walks past Uhura, he hands her his book. There's an almost imperceptible look on her face like, "Bitch, I am not your maid!" but it was impossible to catch in screencapture.

Kirk may be an admiral, but as Ship Goddess, she outranks his ass.

He talks briefly with Scotty, who says he had "a wee bout" but "Dr McCoy helped me through."

"Shore leave," says Bones.

It's a goofy joke, but they were actually referring to Jimmy Doohan's heart attack, which occurred shortly before filming.

They agree to meet in the engine room to start the inspection.

"You'll find everything in perfect order," Scotty declares.

"That'll be a welcome surprise, Mr Scott."

Interpersonal relationships: check!

Everyone scatters (Uhura reading the book as she goes), and Saavik steps up to Spock to gossip about Kirk in Vulcan. This is another scene that was shot with human dialogue and then re-dubbed in Vulcan.

Down in engineering, Kirk pulls out a whiter handkerchief and runs it over a console. Scotty gives him the best look ever. "Really, asshole? Really?"

Kirk asks if Scotty's training crew is ready, and Scotty says to give him the word. 

"The word is given, Mr Scott."

He climbs into the lift and when Bones asks if he's going to continue the inspection, Kirk makes a slash gesture with his hand and mouths "Later."

Clearly, he's enjoying the perks of being admiral.

The lights go on all over the outside of the ship, and we get more loveletter shots of the ship. Kirk and Bones enter the bridge, and Spock tells Saavik that he'd like her to take the ship out of dock. Kirk and Bones exchange looks. Bones asks Kirk if he'd like a tranquilizer. But the ship moves smoothly out into open space, and when Sulu requests a heading, Spock replies that he should indulge himself. Sulu grins like he intends to take the E and all of its cadets to Risa.

Back on Regula I, the Marcuses have gotten a call from Chekov. He tells them the CA6 checks out, and that they'll be at the space station in three days to collect the Genesis device and all of their work. The Marcuses lose their shit and demand to know who gave that order. Chekov's unwavering smile falters for a moment, and there's an awkward pause before he answers, "Admiral Kirk."

Then we swing back and see that Chekov has become kind of brainless and Khan has pretty much told him what to say. Apparently, that brain worm thing is doing its job.

Next, we get to share an awkward turbolift ride with Kirk and Saavik. He comments on how her hair is different. She says it is still regulation. She stops the lift and he guesses she is still troubled by the Kobayashi Maru test. She asks how he handled it, and he brushes her off with a joke. She says that humor is a difficult concept, and that it is not logical.

Seriously? Who wrote this shit? I get irrationally angry at people who declare Vulcans to be humorless. VULCANS ARE NOT HUMORLESS. Vulcans have a dry sense of humor that tends toward sarcasm. And the people who understand this are the ones that play the best Vulcans. I'd like to punch a bitch.

Okay. let's pretend she didn't spout that crap. Let's pretend she answered back with sarcasm.

He restarts the lift, and when the doors open a moment later, there's Bones, bitching about how "someone is holding up the damn elevator." Saavik ducks out. Bones climbs in. They briefly discuss Saavik's hair. Then Uhura pages Kirk to tell him that he's getting a call from Dr Carol Marcus.

He opts to take it in his quarters.

"Oh, damn," laughs Bones. "A call from your ex is never good."

Kirk serves up a fabulous burn here:

"As a physician, you of all people should recognize the dangers of opening old wounds."

He leaves the lift goes to his quarters, where the viewscreen reception is terrible.

Carol is trying to ask Kirk why he gave the order to take Genesis away from her, but she's only getting part audio, and does not understand his confusion. Kirk calls Uhura, but she tells him that the signal for the call is being jammed on Carol's end. He asks her to patch him through to Starfleet command.

We get a brief scene here on Regula I, where everyone is arguing about what's going on. David is anti-Starfleet and claims that scientists are the pawns of the military (which is often true, sadly), but Carol has more faith than that. She doesn't think Starfleet is up to anything nefarious. The other scientists are chiming in, but there only seem to be a dozen or so altogether. It seems like they're running on a skeleton crew while a bunch of their colleagues are on shore leave.

Kirk hassles Spock in his quarters. Dude was trying to meditate, and Kirk is all "Call from my ex! Super drama!"

Spock is probably annoyed as hell, because maybe he had almost achieved kolinahr, but he takes it in stride. Kirk says Regula I is in trouble, and we get a bit of Ship Disabling here, because of course they're the only ship in the quadrant, and of course, the ship is being run by green cadets.

"Okay," says Spock. "I'm giving you command."

Kirk tries to brush it off. For once, he's kind of being humble about it AND HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH MORE I LIKE THIS NEW KIRK?

"Bitch, don't be illogical," says Spock. "You're the CO here. Take the Big Chair and quit complaining."

He also tells Kirk what Bones told him in that earlier scene, which is that he should not have taken that promotion to admiral.

"I would not presume to debate you," says Kirk.

"That is wise," replies Spock.

VULCANS ARE HUMORLESS, MY ASS.

"Logic dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few," he continues.

"Or the one," Kirk finishes.

"You are my superior officer," Spock says. "You are also my friend. I am, and always shall be, yours."

I really like the composition of this shot, with Kirk framed in the infinity mirror
behind Spock, and that crazy spangly IDIC wall hanging on the left.

Kirk goes to the bridge to announce that he is taking over, because they have some shit to do. He calls Scotty and tells him to prepare for warp. Scotty sounds almost relieved. He apologizes to the trainee bridge crew for cutting their training short, and they warp away.

On the bridge of the Reliant, Khan and his followers have stolen several Starfleet uniform coats and have taken over. Their little brainless slaves - Chekov and Terrell - stand by the side at the ready. Khan's second-in-command, Joachim, gets up and suggests to Khan that they are free now, they have a ship, and can go wherever they damn well please, and wouldn't it be better for pretty much everyone involved if they didn't go after Kirk? Because really, dumb revenge plans rarely result in profits of any kind. Khan responds by quoting Moby Dick. You probably know it. "Perdition's flames" and all that.

Back on the E, Uhura is trying to do her job, to no avail. No one on Regula I is picking up the comm.It's no longer jammed like before, there's just no one picking up. Poor Uhura. How often do we see this happening to her, where all she's trying to do is make contact, but there's interference or someone ignoring her calls or the translator is broken?

Spock suggests to Kirk that Regula I is either unwilling or unable to respond. Kirk mutters about Project Genesis, and when Spock asks for more information, Kirk has Bones sent to his quarters and gives Saavik the conn before giving Spock this smile that says he'd like to invite his friend to join him in his quarters for some Netflix and chill.

Once in his quarters, Kirk has his retina scanned, because I guess this is either the new level of security in Starfleet in general, or because the Project Genesis stuff is hella classified. What he unlocks is the project proposal video by Carol Marcus.

Carol explains that she's developing a device that will restructure matter so that they can grow life where there was none before. They did some stuff in the lab, and (at the time of the recording) are going to do some stuff underground. The last stage is finding some kind of lifeless planet on which to unleash Genesis, and make it into a place to cultivate life. Basically, it's a terraforming device. She hopes it will solve some problems like overcrowding and food shortages.

Spock and Bones start an argument about the moral implications of such a device. Bones is pretty sure that it's not cool to create life in six minutes. But Saavik interrupts over the comm system to tell Kirk that the Reliant is on an intercept course and coming up fast. Our boys return to the bridge. Khan, on the Reliant, tells Joachim to slow the ship down so they can "be friends." 

Saavik, on the E, tries to quote General Order 12 at Kirk, about what to do when communications have not been established. Spock interrupts her with his own version of "Are you serious? That's James fucking Kirk you're quoting at. STFU, Saavik." They attempt to communicate, but the Reliant isn't answering.

The Reliant was originally meant to look just like the Enterprise, but it was felt
 that if they were too similar, the audience might get confused as to which ship
was which. So the Reliant's warp nacelles were lowered so that they appeared
be sled blades. Thus were different classes of ships born. The Reliant is a
Miranda-class ship. 

So now we get this weird game of chicken that's actually fairly well done. Each ship approaches the other, one trying to establish communications, and the other ignoring the attempt. Both are watching their viewscreens as a group, Khan's rag-tag bunch of trailer park geniuses and Kirk's "ready-at-their-stations" cadets. Kirk is apprehensive. Khan is ecstatic.

The shields on the E have not gone up. Khan has one one of his lackeys send an audio message to the Enterprise saying that some kind of something-or-other is keeping their ship from using their comms to respond. A quick scan reveals this to be untrue. The Reliant raises their shields, locks phasers on target and fires. The E tries to raise shields, but too late. The Reliant's phasers punch holes in the hull of the ship. Engineering cadets go flying.

A bay door lowers, blocking off a damaged part of the ship. Cadets scramble for breathing equipment while some attempt to evacuate. The ship rocks. Kirk calls the chaos that is engineering and tells Scotty he needs auxiliary power. Spock shows Kirk the damage on a chart, and tells him that the Reliant knew exactly where to fire to take them out. they also cannot do anything on auxiliary power. The Reliant appears to be flying away, but as Kirk is ordering Sulu to try putting the shields up again, the Reliant fires a torpedo, and the E bridge crew braces for impact. An explosion on the bridge. More flying cadets.

The Reliant circles back around. Kirk calls Scotty, who says they're on battery power. Uhura reports that the "commander of the Reliant" wishes to discuss terms of the E's surrender. Stunned, everyone turns to the viewscreen.

And then this smiley motherfucker appears.

I kind of like the fact that he's wearing a broken Starfleet belt buckle as a pendant.
But it would have been more effective if the prop department had waited until
after he had taken the Reliant to start wearing that, rather than giving it to him
before he had encountered any Starfleet officers.

Kirk is surprised. This is a dude that he marooned fifteen years ago, and then forgot about. It wasn't even "sometimes I wonder what he's up to in the Ceti Alpha system." He just totally forgot that guy existed. And now here he comes, in a fucking Starfleet ship, punching holes in engineering. And he looks like he's about to sell Kirk some cheap QVC jewelry.

"Khan! WTF?"

"I plan to kill you, I just wanted you to know that it was me first," smiles Khan.

"If you want me, I'll beam over to your ship," Kirk offers. "Spare my crew."

"Cool," says Khan. "But I also want all the info you have on Project Genesis."

Kirk tries to play dumb, but quickly gives in. "Gimme a few minutes to pull it up in the computer."

Khan and Joachim turn their backs to the viewscreen to talk, and Kirk and Spock do the same.

Kirk quietly asks Saavik to pull up the code for the Reliant.

So Khan starts hassling him after a minute or so, and Kirk is trying to stall for time. Saavik pulls up the code on her screen, and Kirk does this comical "is anyone watching?" gesture before putting on his old man glasses.

Saavik is confused. Kirk and Spock begin punching in numbers and Spock explains quietly to her that every ship in Starfleet has this prefix code that other ships can use in a pinch to take over the controls of another ship. It's a defense mechanism to be used in situations like this, where Kirk can tell the Reliant to lower its shields from the Enterprise console.

"How do I know you'll keep your word?" he asks Khan.

"Who said I gave you my word?" counters Khan. "You just have no choice. You have to go along with what I say."

Instead of yelling something rashly, Kirk just smiles and replies, "I see your point."

This Kirk, you guys. This Kirk is awesome. He's smiling and humble and friendly to Khan, even though he knows that he's about to fuck shit up.

He quietly tells Sulu to lock phasers on the Reliant, and when Khan asks for the info on Project Genesis, he says "It's coming... now."

Spock dials in the code, and the Reliants shields drop

"The hell?" yells Joachim. "I can't raise the shields."

In that split second, Sulu has fired phasers at the warp drive, the photon controls, and the dome on the bridge. Parts of the ceiling collapse. Khan shakes Joachim like a rag doll. The Reliant is dead in the water.

Sulu tries to congratulate Kirk, but Kirk is having none of it, saying he "got caught with my britches down." He tells Saavik to go ahead and quote regulations anytime at him, because that shit sucked and it was kind of all his fault.

NEW KIRK, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY, NEW KIRK?

He starts to ask about casualties, wants to know what on the ship has been damaged, and then the lift opens.

This, friends. This is the shit that happens when you serve on the Enterprise.

Saavik gasps. Spock closes his eyes. Holy shit.

Sick bay is filled with bloody and wounded engineering cadets. Kirk walks through into a private exam room, where Bones is treating Preston, the kid that Scotty was carrying. Preston reaches out and grabs the white part of Kirk's uniform.

"Is the word given, Admiral?" he rasps.

"The word is given," smiles Kirk gently. "Warp speed."

"Aye," whispers Preston with his last breath.

Scotty can barely keep it together, saying that Preston remained at his post when everyone else ran. Cut from the final film: that kid was Scotty's nephew.

Oh my fuck, Star Trek.

Sometimes I think this franchise hates me.

*******

Facts and stuff, because I can't bring myself to refer to them as "fun" after that last scene:

- Despite fan suspicions, Ricardo Montalban is not wearing a prosthetic chest piece. That is his real chest. Dude is built... really, really built.

- The part of Carol Marcus was originally written for Janet Wallace, Kirk's "old friend" from the episode "The Deadly Years." 

- When the uniforms changed again, so did the colors. An all-red and white uniform now has different colored turtlenecks to indicate divisions. White is command, grey is science, gold is engineering, light green is medical, red for cadets and trainees, and black means enlisted. The rank insignia now goes on the shoulder strap.

- There is a fan theory that I kind of like that says that the "little blonde technician" that Gary Mitchell sets up with Kirk at Starfleet Academy was actually Carol Marcus. ("Where No Man Has Gone Before")

- Why kill off Marla McGivers, Khan's wife? Originally, Madlyn Rhue was meant to reprise her role as Marla in this film, but by 1982 she had developed multiple schlerosis, and used a wheelchair. Though she still worked, it would have been difficult for her to do the part. The writers felt that recasting the part was disrespectful, so they killed off Marla entirely, and made her death part of Khan's driving madness. Interestingly, Rhue would guest star with Ricardo Montalban on Fantasy Island the same year this film was released.

-Both Bill Shatner and Ricardo Montalban had to juggle multiple film schedules, as Montalban was in the middle of filming of filming his show Fantasy Island, and The Shat was working on TJ Hooker.

- In the film, Khan and Kirk never meet face-to-face. All of their contact is done by viewscreen. This was due in part to the fact that Montalban could only film his scenes at night.

- Star Trek once again ran into the Star Wars franchise with this film. After countless title changes, this film was called "The Revenge of Khan," which posed a problem, as the third Star Wars film was then-titled "Revenge of the Jedi." Eventually, both titles would change, and no further problems would occur.

- This is the only TOS episode ever to have a film as its sequel. Executive Producer Harve Bennett had not watched Star Trek before, and watched tapes of the show to familiarize himself with it. He ultimately settled on Khan's fate as being interesting enough to follow with a film.

-While The Motion Picture had done well, it had burst the bank by costing approximately $45 million to make. Not wanting to spend that much again, the production company asked Harve Bennett if he could make a Star Trek movie for that much. "I can make five for that much," he replied. They gave him the job. Wrath of Khan ended up costing only $11 million to make, thanks in part to the recycling of sets, costumes, models, and footage.

*******

I was in Whole Paycheck the other day looking for a morning beverage, and because they don't sell Coke, I grabbed an Honest Tea. I've only had a few of these, and they seemed pretty good, so I selected one that I hadn't seen before: the Peach Oo-la-long. I like that play on words and that it still described what it is, an oolong base with peach added. They use peach puree to get the flavor, and that's great because you get a nice subtle peach flavor rather than a thick syrup. What's more, you can taste the tea, rather than the company using tea as the vehicle to move the added flavor. It's very lightly sweetened with cane sugar and agave, and while it's not as sweet as I usually prefer my tea, it seems like just the right balance of sweet to bitter.

This is a good one. I recommend it.

https://www.honesttea.com/blog/products/peach-oo-la-long-tea/

Curie and Bratty get along like Klingons and tribbles. But she really
wanted to sleep there, and for some reason, he allowed it.