Season 2, Episode 45 "A Private Little War"

"A Private Little War"
Production Number: 45
Air Order: 48
Stardate: 4211.4
Original Air Date: February 2, 1968

So my friend KaraokeMama got a label maker. Do you know what happens when people get label-makers? Everything in their vicinity suddenly requires, and receives, a label. Seriously. I watched KaraokeMama make a label for the label maker. So while I was engaged elsewhere, Roomie and Dubs used the maker to label my keyboard. Should I mention that this my work keyboard? I suppose it's fortunate that my coworkers are all cats.

*******

We open outside this week, and despite the fact that every planet with outdoor shooting looks expressly like Southern California, I really don't care. It allows the actors to move around in the space, and it's got to be cheaper to film out there than to build sets inside.
Bones and Spock are gathering plant and soil samples. Kirk, part of the Trio Landing Party, whines to Bones over the comm how he's bored, and could Bones please science faster?
Probably sick of hearing "are we there yet?", Bones tells him 30 minutes, and goes back to what he was doing.
Kirk hasn't got anything better to do than chat up Spock while Spock collects plants, so they make small talk about the inhabitants of this planet, the hill people. There's also some kind of monster-thing, the mugato.

No, not him.

He says that the hill people are primitive bow and arrow types, so of course right on cue so villagers sneak through the rocks with flintlock guns. They don't see the trio, but they clearly see the bow and arrow types  that they're about to ambush. I gotta tell you, the inhabitants are all wearing terrible wigs. I think I might actually prefer Mugatu's hair.

"Hey, I know that dude," says Kirk, of the group that's about to get their asses handed to them. "That's Tyree, I lived with him here."

Well, at least now we know why Kirk is here: he probably lived here during a fact-finding mission. It seemed like all he was doing was keeping Spock and Bones from working, and I found myself wondering why they hadn't just sent down a little unobtrusive Red in his place. Kirk has a purpose, for once.

Like a dipshit, he pulls his phaser. Spock reminds him of the Prime Directive, and he decides to throw a rock instead. It lands near one of the black-haired dudes, and his gun goes off, alerting the white-haired dudes. The white-hairs flee.

Kirk probably thinks he was being clever by not using his obviously advanced tech, but now the black-hairs wanna know who kept them from gunning down their fellow man, and they go rushing up the rock formations at Kirk and Spock.

"Aw, crap," says Kirk, and they run away.

Too late, though. One of them shoots Spock through the back. Holy shit, you guys. Someone was paying attention, and remembered that Spock has iron-based blood. Good on ya, Details Guy.

Kirk helps Spock back to Bones, and they beam up just in time.

Bones has called ahead for an emergency med team, and they start treating an unconscious Spock right there in the transporter room. Uhura calls to say that Klingons are in orbit, and Auntie Archon prays for believable Klingons this time. "Errand of Mercy" Klingons, not "The Trouble With Tribbles" Klingons. K, thanx.

Kirk rushes to the bridge, but the Klingons haven't noticed them yet. In the interim, Kirk muses on the fact that, 13 years earlier, he hung out with the hill people and they only had bows and arrows. Uhura points out that it took 1200 hundred years for humans to go from arrows to flintlocks. Scotty adds that the flintlock is the next logical step in evolution, weapons-wise, and Chekov puts in that no culture evolves at the same time as another (completely countering that bogus "parallel-culture-progression" theory from Bread and Circuses), and that the hill people may have evolved more quickly than humans. They agree that the Klingons would not have given them this tech, as the Klingons would have given them something more effective. 

"Did I ask for your fucking opinions?" demands a grouchy Kirk. There's an awkward pause, and he apologizes before going to sick bay.

HOLD THE COMM BADGE! There's a black guy in sick bay! And he's a specialist, not an intern! Go diversity!

Bones tells Kirk that he isn't sure if Spock will live or die at this point. My bet is for living, and healing just in time to either save the day, or getting better just before the credits roll. Bones tells Kirk that Dr M'benga is a specialist in Vulcan physiology. Kirk says that Bones should leave Spock with M'benga, and come back to the surface with him. He wants them to dress like natives and find out if the Klingons are doing scientific research (yeah, right), or if they're breaking some kind of treaty between the Federation and Klingon Empire. Seems that this planet with it's undeveloped inhabitants is off-limits to others.

Gonna pause here. Seriously, you guys, what if one or more races has taken a look at Earth, declared it underdeveloped, and made a treaty saying they won't mess with us until a certain point? Like right fucking now. 

Suck on that little slice of the sublime, then go back to reading this insignificant little blog.

Kirk's Log 4211.4: "Can't call Starfleet, cuz I'll alert the Klingons to the fact that we're here. Gonna say fuck it, violate orders, and make contact with the natives. Screw it all. My boyfriend has buckshot in his back. I'll just be reckless."

So Kirk and Bones beam down, and they're heading toward Tyree's village when they're attacked by a spacesquatch. Bones sets his phaser to Fucking Obliterate, and takes out the mugato. Unfortunately, the thing bit Kirk, and his system is filling with poison. 

Show some respect. This dude invented the piano-key necktie!

Bones radios the E, but Scotty has taken it out of orbit to avoid the Klingons, and won't be back until the agreed-upon rendezvous time. Bones gives Kirk a shot of something, but Bones has to find Tyree to help. Conveniently, when the good doctor stands up, there are white-haired hill people standing there staring at them.

Bones' Log 4211.8: "Kirk got himself bit ten seconds after beam-down, cuz he's a complete jackass. I don't even have anyone to bitch to about abandoning Kirk to do other important shit. In the meantime, we're waiting for Tyree, who is chief now, and his wife, who knows about mugato poison."

We cut to Tyree and his wife Nona, who works for the Department of Transportation. They see some dark-hairs with their flintlocks, and Nona tells Tyree, Lady MacBeth-style, that he needs to get some guns so he can raid them. 

"Naw," he says. "Shit will settle, and we'll be peaceful again."

"Bullshit," she replies, and she gets him high with some plant.

A white-hair shows up to tell Tyree that a really old friend has come into their village, and Nona looks interested. She tells the white-hair to bring Tyree when he is lucid again.

Nona goes to the cave and sees Bones using his phaser to heat rocks to keep Kirk warm. She backs out of the cave, and when Tyree shows up, she tells him that she needs to know everything about Kirk so that she can heal him. He hedges, saying that Kirk has secrets that Tyree promised to keep. She replies that she needs to know or he will die, but that last part comes out like a threat.

Back on the E, Christine watches Spock's vitals and decides to hold his hand. Dr M'benga comes in and she makes this movement like, "What? I wasn't shipping myself with him." He tells her that Spock is in a state of self-hypnosis, concentrating all of his willpower on healing himself. But he also thinks that Spock is conscious enough to note that she probably has a notebook filled with pages that say "Nurse Christine Spock". There's light "haha, caught you shipping" music that accompanies this, and I wonder how Majel Barrett fell so far from Number One to hopeless fangirl. *sigh*

Nona and Tyree go into the cave and perform this sort of hippie sex ritual thing set to drums. Really, the thing that probably heals Kirk is the weird root that Nona slaps on the bite, and not the fact that Tyree sliced her palm open.

Nona passes out, and Kirk comes to just long enough to realize that he missed getting to watch the one-woman drum orgy. Bones looks at the wound, and realizes that not only is Kirk's bite gone, but Nona's hand wound is as well. Kirk goes to sleep. Nona wakes up and tells Bones that Kirk belongs to her because their blood mingled within that root. She is helped to bed by Tyree. He tells Bones that Kirk cannot refuse anything she says, according to legend. Dramatic music!

There isn't a real need for this screencapture. I just wanted to
point out Bones' bed, which looks comfy as fuck.

Kirk wakes up and goes into the cave bedroom next door, where Nona and Tyree are sleeping. Tyree and Kirk are excited to see each other, and Tyree introduces his wife, Crazy Bitch in Furry Bra. Kirk asks about the flintlocks.

"We need to get some!" says Nona gleefully.

Tyree takes Kirk and Bones outside to talk, but he bars Nona. "Penis owners only."

Lookee there, he stood up to her. Good job, chief-man.

In sick bay, M'benga says that things are going well, and tells Christine that if Spock wakes up, to do whatever he says. Okay. Whatever. Moving on.

Tyree tells Kirk and Bones that the flintlocks showed up a year earlier, and that he has not seen strangers in the dark-haired village, but that he has seen them making the guns themselves. A bunch of his people have died since.

"I think we should go at night to check it out," says Kirk.

Despite the fact that she doesn't own a penis (or maybe because she owns Tyree's), Nona strolls in and tells Kirk and Bones that she knows who they are, and that they could make Tyree very powerful.

Kirk brushes her off by saying that his people used to be like them, with spears and shit, then they got better weapons and blew each other away, and it took a long fucking time to get to the point where they were peaceful with each other again.

"You all suck!" yells Nona, before stalking out of the room. "And you're a shitty friend, Kirk!"

Tyree is gracious enough to tell Kirk that Nona is full of crap, and they make plans to check out the dark-hair village that night.

Bones points out that if the Klingons gave the dark-hairs those guns, then they have every right to act.

Tyree, Bones and Kirk go into the dark-hair village, and a scuffle breaks out between them and a guard. Kirk takes him out easily, and Tyree grabs the gun. Okay, so I know that the dark-hairs have one kind of advanced technology, but how in the hell did they go from cave-dwelling to concrete buildings?

Inside an office, a dark-haired villager meets with a Klingon. He says that it took an extra long time to divide up some spoils of war, which includes one blonde hill woman. The Klingon, Krell, suggests giving her to the man who killed the most hill people. Oh, yaaaaay. More "women as gifts."

Krell then gives the dark-haired Apell a more-improved gun, saying that he'll get upgrades soon, after he's stood in line at the mall outside of the Apple Store overnight.

Krell and Apella come in, and Kirk and Bones hide. Apella tells Krell that killing the hill people is easier than trading with them, and it's more fun. This guy is totally a winner. Why are girls not lining up to suck his junk? Krell promises Apell that he'll be rich, and a governor of the Klingon Empire.  Wow, when those aforementioned girls finish fooling around with Apell, they can clean up using Krell. What a great wingman.

Bones accidentally opens his scanner, which makes a noise. Krell and Apell go to investigate, so Kirk jumps out and starts a fist fight. No need to rip his shirt - they've barely tied it in the front to begin with. Because no one in the known universe can take Kirk in a fight, Krell and Apell go down like little girls. But when Kirk and Bones attempt to run out the front door, they're confronted by dark-hairs with guns and dramatic music!

Again, no one else can fight, so Kirk and Bones easily escape out the door and are chased, along with Tyree, out of the village.

Upstairs, Spock wakes up and yells for the nurse. When Christine comes running, he requests that she beat the shit out of him to help him regain consciousness. She balks, but slaps him all the same while he yells "Harder, harder!" You know that he's talking to Christine, but thinking about Kirk. Scotty comes in and restrains her, but then M'benga follows and starts punching Spock in the face.

"Dude, thanks," says Spock. "Totally healed now. Good to go."

"The fuck?" asks Scotty.

On the surface, Kirk is showing Tyree and his friends how to shoot flintlocks. Turns out Tyree is a hella good shot, and he seems shocked. Okay, I just have to say: Tyree looks shocked at all points in time. "I have a wife? No way! My old friend from 13 years ago came back? Awesome! The sun rose again? You're kidding!"

Bones pulls Kirk into the cave to ask what the hell Kirk thinks he's doing. The captain tells Bones that he's evening the odds between the hill people and the villagers, which he feels is the only way to keep things balanced, as the Klingons have blown everything to hell by giving the villagers guns in the first place. He references "a war in the 20th century on the Asian continent." He's not saying Vietnam, but... Vietnam. Basically, two super-powers go head-to-head arming lesser groups of people, and the best way to counter it is to keep evening the score. Bones points out that this could fuck up all of the shit, and also that Tyree could die in doing this, but Kirk doesn't feel like he has a choice. Bones actually wonders out loud if Nona has put a spell on Kirk.

Kirk goes to talk to Nona, thinking that she can explain to Tyree this balance of power thing, which is kind of stupid, considering that she's the one who is pushing for Tyree to gain power over the villagers. I bet she just wants to use that power to buy herself a better fur bra. Maybe in a color that occurs in nature.

He finds her near a pond, and we know that she was just naked because we can see part of her naked torso. No side-boob, though.

"I wanna talk to you," he says in that overly-confident Kirk way.

"Smell this herb," she replies, holding a sprig of something under his nose.

Tyree happens by with his new gun, still looking puzzled. He starts to smile when he sees them, but then he realizes that Nona wants to take Kirk to Poundtown, and he raises the gun as a stoned Kirk and Nona make out. Tyree loses his nerve at the last minute, drops the gun, and runs away.

Unfortunately for Nona, stoned Kirk is too interested in her to notice the spacesquatch coming at them, and she manages to claw her way out of Kirk's arms, then roll around on the ground screaming while the mugato tries to take swipes at her. Like a dumb bitch, she fails to notice the fact that she perpetually carries a giant dagger on her belt. She waits until Kirk comes out of his daze and sets his phaser for Fucking Obliterate, then disintegrates the squatch.

Kirk kind of stumbles post-high, and Nona knocks the back of his head with a big rock in order to steal the phaser. She takes off.
Tyree ends up back in his camp, where Bones gives him shit for leaving the gun. He leads Bones and several others back to the gun, and they encounter an injured Kirk.
"That bitch took my phaser," he groans.

Nona runs through the rocks and stumbles upon some dark-hairs, and yells "I bring you a victory for Apella!"
Whoa, plot twist.
She declares that Apella will be strong enough to use the new weapon, and tells them to take her to them. Instead, they decide to rape her. Kirk and the others run over the rocks, and yell to Nona. The villagers decide that it's a trap, so they stab Nona and shoot Bones.

Now taking bets on that city in the background - LA? Burbank?

A brawl breaks out between everyone, and the villagers mostly ignore the fact that they have guns. I got into this debate about magic the other day, too: why the hell would you reach for a more powerful tool when you could just put your fist through someone's face? It's more satisfying.

When the smoke clears, Nona is discovered to be dead. The remaining villagers have run off, and Tyree tells Kirk that he wants more guns, because he has to avenge his bitchy, cheating asshole of a wife.
"Sooo, you got what you wanted," Bones mumbles to Kirk.
"So that sucks," Kirk replies.
He radios Scotty, and he and Bones are pleasantly surprised when Spock answers.
"I guess you can't kill a computer," Bones says.
"How long for you to replicate 100 flintlocks?" Kirk asks Scotty. "I gotta give them to this guy I know, so he can kill a bunch of innocent people because this bitch wanted some power."

And that's the depressing end of this episode.

Death Toll:
Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 12
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 6
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 19
Total crew deaths thus far: 36

Just a bunch of civvies again. And one bitch.

*******

Everybody is sick here. I thought I might post a recipe that I have for Upset Tummy Tea. Shut up, it's good. This is what you need:

-water

-lemon juice

-ginger

-mint

Heat the water and lemon juice. Add the ginger and mint. Let it steep for a few minutes. This tea came to me in a commercial kitchen, so we had fresh ginger and mint readily, and I'm not certain how potent the tea is if you use powdered ginger or dried mint. However, lemon juice, mint, and ginger are all good for settling your stomach, so even if they aren't as up to scratch as the super-fresh items, it should still be okay.

Oreo