ST:TAS Season One, Episode Six: The Survivor

"The Survivor"
Air Order: 6
Star Date: 5143.3
Original Air Date: October 13, 1973


Blargh. I hate late postings. Like, really really hate them. This one involves a hiccuping modem in my laptop, several library computers that didn't want to play Hulu episodes of TAS, another library computer that doesn't support Netflix, and a system-wide library computer time cap of ninety minutes, coupled with four-hour production times.

tl:dr: Technology really sucks sometimes.

*******

Kirk's Log 5143.3: "We're patrolling the edge of the Neutral Zone, and we've spotted a one-person ship that's been damaged by meteors. I don't find this suspicious at all, finding a damaged spaceship on the cusp of Romulan space. So we've changed course to help this person out."

Kirk, Spock and Bones go down to the transporter room to greet the pilot, and Spock tells Kirk that he may be surprised when he finds out who it is. He tells the boys that the ship is registered to Carter Winston, and Bones says that that can't be right, because Winston has been missing for five years.
"Bitch, did I not just say you would be surprised?" asks Spock.
A guy appears on the pad, and Bones agrees that is, most definitely, Carter Winston.

Introductions are made all around, and Bones mentions that his daughter Joana was going to school on some planet where they hit some kind of crisis, and Winston used his personal fortune to have supplies shipped to the planet to keep the people alive. (This is actually the only time Bones mentions his daughter. She was supposed to be featured heavily in "The Way to Eden", but she was scrapped in favor of Irina.) Anyway, the gist is that everyone thinks that Winston is the bees' knees, and that they admire him. Really, this should send up a red flag, because remember every other time on this show where someone says "I admire that guy" and then he goes nuts, or turns out to be some kind of psycho?
So then Spock mentions how awesomely coincidental it is that Carter Winston's fiancé from back in the day is on board the ship, a security Red named Ann Nored. Winston is surprised. I would be, too. What are the freaking odds? (It's Star Trek. The odds are astronomically in favor.) Spock says he will tell Ann that her guy has essentially returned from the dead, just as soon as he can see Winston's space passport.
"That's really shitty," says Bones. "This guy is  some kind of minor hero, and you want to see his credentials?"
"Dude was missing for five years," shrugs Spock. "Protocol says we check him."
Because Starfleet needed to have instructions for "what to do when you find someone that everyone thought was dead." Clearly, Kirk was not following the rules when he stumbled upon Zephram Cochrane and didn't ask to fingerprint him against identity theft.
"Naw, he's right," says Kirk.
"It's cool," says Winston. "Here's my identity tapes, and I'll totes consent to a medical check-up."

Later, in the debriefing room, Kirk and Spock are going through the identity tapes, and Kirk is talking about how awesome Winston is, being a successful trader, who then gives all his money to good causes. The computer confirms that Winston is who he says he is, matching fingerprints, voice records and a bunch of other stuff.
Winston is in sick bay, being checked out by Bones. Bones is a bit confused, because he says that the instruments read as being slightly off for a human. Winston jokes that maybe he is not human, and Bones brushes it off, saying his equipment needs to be recalibrated.

Christine enters to tell Bones that Winston's ID has checked out, and that she's informed Nored that her guy is alive and onboard ship. While she's here, I have to complain briefly about her animated anatomy: to wit, her giraffe neck. Now, I know that having a swan-like neck is thought to be an asset in Western females, and I know that Majel Barrett has that to some degree, but this is ridiculous. Has Bones documented how many extra vertebrae Christine has?

She and Bones leave, and an excited Ann Nored comes in. Winston is hesitant. When she asks what's wrong, he says that when he left five years earlier, he was totally ready to marry her. But now he's a different person. he crash-landed on Vendor, and gradually got his health back, but now he's a new man, and she should just forget him.
"It's not you, baby. It's me."

Ann has that neck thing too, though not as badly as Christine.



Kirk is in his quarters when Winston comes in. They briefly discuss Winston's damaged ship, and when Kirk looks away, Winston morphs into some kind of space kraken, who then does like a Vulcan neck pinch on Kirk and knocks him the hell out. The kraken rather tenderly lays Kirk out on his bed, then assumes the form of the captain.

There's a short scene in sick bay here where Christine tells Bones that she's double-checked all of the equipment, but everything is working fine. She asks about the tests results, and he says that some tests were off by a small amount, and others were just fine. Clearly, Winston is an honest human, so it must be the instruments.

The kraken-Kirk arrives on the bridge, and orders Sulu to change course to go to Rator III. Sulu points out that going to Rator III means crossing into the Neutral Zone.
"Sulu, STFU and do it," says kraken-Kirk. "I know what I'm doing, and I know that means breaking a treaty."
"Yeah, I think that's a bad idea, too," says Spock. "My instruments says there's a ship in the Neutral Zone right now, and we have no idea what it is. Could be nothing, could be bad news bears."
"Dude, whatever," kraken-Kirk brushes him off. "I talked to Winston, and he says that it's totally safe and there are no Romulans, and also, that Rator III needs help desperately, so we're going."
Kraken-Kirk leaves the bridge.

Spock's Log 5148.7: "We're going hella into the Neutral Zone, but you already knew that, unless you got up to get more cereal just before the commercial break."

So non-kraken Kirk wakes up in his quarters and goes back to the bridge. He notices that some time has passed and remarks to Spock that he must have fallen asleep while writing his report to Starfleet. Then he notices that they are balls-deep in the Neutral Zone, and demands to know who the hell gave the order for the E to go there.
"You," says Spock.
"Like hell I did!" Kirk argues.
And then they do that thing that drove me nuts on TOS as well: they play back earlier footage from the show (Trek-ception!). I suppose this is the easiest way to do it, but seriously, where the hell are the cameras on the bridge that are recording this footage? And who is splicing the different angles together? On closed circuit tv footage, there aren't different camera angles involved. And how does Spock have access to it that quickly?

So Spock plays back the earlier footage showing Kirk ordering Sulu to fly into the Neutral Zone, and Kirk has him shut it off, ordering Sulu to warp the fuck out of the NZ, because he has no idea why they're even there in the first place. Kirk and Spock get in the lift.
"Dude, I don't remember giving the order to fly into the Neutral Zone," Kirk admits.
Spock suggests that he go see Bones, and Kirk agrees, noting that if he's susceptible to blackouts, then he's a danger to the ship. What's this? Kirk being reasonable? Wowie-zowie.

Bones is in sick bay going over Winston's test results again when Winston comes in. He waits until Bones looks away to become the kraken, pinch Bones, and drag him away.  So when Anne shows up a moment later, she is greeted by kraken-Bones. (Heh.)
"I need to talk to someone," she admits. "I'm all messed up about this thing with Carter."
"Yeah, he told me about that earlier," says kraken-Bones. "Let's chat."
Okay, this is a little creepy: Anne is about to get counseling about Carter from Carter, only she thinks she's talking to Bones. That's kind of effed up.
"I'm still in love with Carter," Anne admits.
"Yeah, but people change, as he has," kraken-Bones states. "And he asked you to forget him and move on. You should probably take that as him being kind and concerned for you, and just forget him as he asked."
Bones isn't a jerk about it, and you kind of get the impression that the kraken's suggestion is based on the feeling of "it's for your own good." Anne is a little put-off though, because let's face it, she's dealing with an "easier-said-than-done" situation here.

Kirk and Spock come in, and Anne excuses herself.
"Hey, can I get an exam?" Kirk asks Bones. "I feel off, and some shit went down that I don't remember."
"Yeah, later," says kraken-Bones. "I have tests to run and stuff. Gotta process more stuff on Winston."
"About that," says Spock. "Do you think you might have made a mistake or something on Winston's tests?"
"It's possible," admits kraken-Bones. "You guys should leave so I can get work done."
Kirk says he'll report back later for that exam, and he and Spock step into the corridor.
"Bones was humble just now," says Spock. "That's weird. Bones is not humble."
"Agreed," says Kirk.
They go back into sick bay to find no Bones. But then they hear him moaning from another room, and when they open the door, they find Bones sitting up on the floor.
"I think I took a nap?" mumbles Bones.
Spock's line here is awesome: "You are a man of curious habits, Doctor, but I have never known you to nap on the Labratory Room floor."
Kirk goes back into the room with the sick bay beds, and notices that there is one too many. He addresses the extra table.
"Okay, Winston or whatever-you-are. Show yourself."
"Kirk, have you lost your shit?" asks Bones. "You're talking to a table."
Kirk grabs a vial of acid from a medicine cabinet and threatens to pour it on the table. The table shimmers and becomes the kraken, who looks agitated as hell.
(Am I the only one who thinks that Spock should have been the one to figure this out before Kirk? Spock had way more information, and had been present for more stuff than Kirk. Let's face it: Kirk is a Gryffindor, suited for jumping in without looking, and Spock is a Ravenclaw, suited to solving puzzles. I don't question Kirk threatening the kraken with acid, but I do question him being quicker on the uptake than Spock.)

"The hell is that?" demands Bones.
"It's a Vendorian," says Spock. "Their planet is quarantined, so very few people know what they look like. Peeps don't like them because they can shapeshift, and they're known liars."
Kirk yells for Spock to call for security, but the kraken grabs them with its tentacles and throws them against the wall before escaping into the corridor, where it morphs back into Winston. Spock makes a general call over the PA, warning the ship that they have a shape-shifting intruder aboard.
Winston steps through a door, only to find himself on the wrong end of Anne's phaser.
"Heeeyyy, Anne. What's up?"
"I'm not dumb," she answers. "You're the only stranger on board. You're the shape-shifting alien."

But she's distracted by a noise in the corridor, and when she glances away, he karate-chops the phaser from her hand. She grabs it just as he's going back through another door, but she pauses. Kirk runs in in time to see Winston disappear through the door.
"Bitch, why didn't you shoot him?" he demands.
Anne looks thoroughly miserable. "I couldn't. He looks like Carter."
"Carter Winston is dead," he says in an unfeeling way.
"I know that now," she replies in a small voice.
I totally feel for Anne here. Just today, she found out that her fiance, a guy she thought was probably dead, was actually alive. Then he dumps her. Then she finds out that he really is dead, and that a shape-shifting alien has taken his form. She has a moment where she isn't able to do her job correctly because she has a major case of The Feels, then Kirk comes in and yells at her. The stardate says that this date is a Friday, but Anne is totally experiencing Monday-type problems here.
The ship goes to red alert, and Kirk calls the bridge to find out what's up. Scotty reports back that they're being approached by a pair of Romulan ships.

Deceiver, dissembler, your trousers are alight.  Those are Klingon battle cruisers.
But they're not. Remember way back to "The Enterprise Incident"  when an assistant stepped on the Romulan ship model, so they used Klingon ships and added in a line for Spock about how the Romulans were now using Klingon ship design? Apparently, they've decided (probably for budget's sake) to make that canon or something, because it appears that they're going to just use the Klingon ships for both. It's cheaper for them to pay Jimmy Doohan to specify Romulan or Klingon, and just use the same ships than it is to design and animate Romulan ships as well. *sigh*
So anyway, dramatic music and commercial break.

Kirk's Log, supplemental: "We're still in the freaking Neutral Zone, thanks to this dumb kraken on board. And according to the treaty, the Romulans now have legal claim to impound our ship. Feels like a Monday."

Kirk goes back to the bridge to talk to the Romulans on the viewscreen, and guess what background they use for the Romulan bridge? Yup, the same ones as the Klingons.

Kirk tries to tell the Romulan commander that they've crossed into the Neutral Zone by mistake, and the commander replies snidely that it never seems to be on purpose when the Federation crosses into the NZ. He says that when Kirk surrenders the ship, he'll take Kirk and the E crew back to the nearest outpost that's guarding the NZ. That... actually seems pretty fair, to be honest. They're not declaring war, or taking prisoners, they're just escorting trespassers back off their land. It sounds like they intend to keep the Enterprise, which would suck, but no lives would be lost in the process.
Kirk replies that this is acceptable, and asks for five minutes to alert the crew. Once the viewscreen is off, he calls Nored to find out if they've caught the kraken, but they haven't been able to catch him yet. Then he turns to Spock.
"The kraken is a Romulan spy," he says. "It took Winston's shape and his wreaked ship, and they dropped him off at the edge of the NZ, hoping we would take him on board. We were baited. It works nicely for them to use a shape-shifter because I'm pretty sure that when I was in my quarters and "fell asleep" it was because the kraken took my shape and ordered us into the Neutral Zone."
Again, it seems like a stretch to me to have Kirk put this puzzle together with nearly no pieces. Are we having him make this huge leap because there's less than ten minutes left in the episode, and we have to get this wrapped up?
"Lieutenant M'Ress, open a channel so I can talk to the Romulans," directs Kirk.
And we get our first look at M'Ress, a Caitian communications officer. Where is Uhura? Voicing Anne Nored. Who voices M'Ress' purry lines? Majel Barrett. I guess Anne got too many lines for them to have Uhura on during this episode, so they used M'Ress in her place.

Interestingly, though, each time they used an overhead shot of the bridge, they showed Uhura at communications. Most likely stock footage.

So M'Ress opens the channel again, and Kirk tells the Romulan commander to blow the surrender out of his ass, because the Roms lured the E into the Neutral Zone (a violation of the treaty) by way of a Vendorian spy (further violation of the treaty). The Romulan commander says that Kirk is nuts.

Down in engineering, Scotty has come across some random Red, who has opened a panel and is gleefully ripping wires out of it.
"The hell?" he demands.
The random Red gives him a regular old Vulcan neck pinch, and continues with his wire-ripping.
Up on the bridge, Sulu reports that the deflector shields are down.
When Kirk calls engineering, another Red responds that Scotty is missing.
And now Sulu is yelling that the hangar doors are opening in the shuttle bay.
Kirk gives the bridge to Spock, requesting that he stall the Romulans, and goes to engineering himself. Security Reds are sent to the hangar deck.
Scotty explains that he found the random Red ripping the panel wires out, then he doesn't remember anything after that. he says it'll take two hours to repair the deflector shields.
This scene is framed by the open panel with the ripped wires, which is awesome. More of these shots, please.

Down on the hangar deck, Anne has cornered the kraken, who looks like Carter Winston again. She's determined that he will not get away this time.
Winston-kraken starts to tell her his story. It seems that the real Carter Winston crash-landed on Vendor, and was cared for by the kraken that is standing in front of Anne now. He lived for a year, telling the kraken how much he loved Anne, and what kind of person she was. Because the kraken spent so much time in his presence, the kraken absorbed a lot of Winston's thoughts and feelings, enough to where he could imitate him completely. The kraken cares for Anne now as well, but shows her his true form, asking, "Could you love this? This is why I told you to forget me."
And this, friends, is why this is Star Trek, and not just some cheap cartoon.

Kirk comes in. The Romulans choose to fire on the E at this point because they have not surrendered.
Kirk goes back up to the bridge with Nored, and M'Ress puts the Romulan commander on-screen. There's some general alien dick-waving, then Sulu reports that one deflector shield is up, the one that's immediately between themselves and the Romulans. Kirk orders him to fire on the Romulans, but only to take out their propulsion systems. The Romulans take some shots, and Sulu takes some shots. He disables one ship, and the other moves off.
"Awesome job on that deflector shield," Kirk congratulates Scotty.
"Wasn't me," says Scotty. "I told you two hours, and like, ten minutes have passed."
"It was probably the kraken," says Spock. "Dude was an exam table, he could have become a deflector shield."
"That's nuts," says Scotty.
But then the lift opens, and the kraken enters the bridge.
"Sorry if I put the ship in danger," he says.
"How come you helped us?" asks Kirk.
"On my planet, I'm kind of a nobody, not really good for anything," the kraken explains. "The Romulans asked me to help them, and my life had some meaning, because I could be useful. But I absorbed a lot of Carter Winston, and he loved Anne. So I couldn't bring myself to hurt her, or you with her."
"Cool, thanks," says Kirk. "We have to take you into custody, though. You'll stand trial as a spy, but you'll get brownie points for defending us from the Romulans."
"Can I be his guard?" asks Anne. "I still kind of love him, even if he is in a different form. I could maybe get used to the hentai. Maybe."
"Yeah, okay," says Kirk. They exit the bridge as Bones gets out of the lift.

"Oh sweet, he's under wraps," notes Bones. "I shudder to think what might have happened if we'd've ended up with two Spocks."
"Really?" asks Spock, deadpan. "Because I think two Dr McCoys might have brought the  medical efficiency on this ship up to acceptable levels."
And Bones makes a face at Spock, and they all live happily ever after, with no thoughts whatsoever for the Romulans, whose ships have disappeared.

So this episode is interesting in a few ways. While they were able to squeeze in some backstory with feels, I've noticed that that's the one thing that seems to be missing from the animated series. I don't think that it's necessarily because of people on the outside advising Star trek that kids wouldn't follow that kind of story on Saturday morning cartoons. I'm more apt to blame the lack of time. There have been a few cases where I've complained that certain scenes were added to pad the script out for time, like watching ship duties that are unrelated to the plot. But after all is said and done, they do actually add to the overall effect of "these people are serving in a starship out in space." Some of that is missing a bit with this series, but more than that are the inter-personal relationships of the characters. We have no idea thus far what Sulu thinks of Arax, because we haven't really seen them interact in a way that wasn't revolving around flying the ship. With this episode, we get back to that a bit with the relationship between Anne and (what was) Carter, and the early relationship between Anne and the Vendorian (whose name we never learn). What makes Star Trek so good (for me at least) are not the moments of "isn't it cool that we're out in space?" but how each of the characters relate to one another. It makes them more rounded and less cardboard. I feel like someone watching just the animated series would not get the fullness of Star Trek without watching TOS as well. I could be totally wrong about that, of course. I've talked to people who missed TOS by a few years, but managed to catch TAS on Saturday mornings, and were introduced to Trek through this series alone. They may feel that TAS did a good enough job portraying those relationships in 24 minutes than they did in 54 minutes using live-action.
It's also interesting to me how and where they spent money on this show. Like with TOS, there are some places where they cut corners with set design or the like, but then shoveled out some cash for a guest star. Here, we have a replay of the Romulan-Klingon ship design to (most likely) save money, but they ponied up to hire Ted Knight to play the voice of Carter Winston. (You probably know Knight as playing Ted Baxter on the Mary Tyler Moore show.) While I don't know how much voice work paid compared to other guest roles in live-action shows, I do know that he was familiar with voice work, and was right in the middle of doing The MTM Show at the time he did this episode, so I can guess that he was probably paid more than an unknown.

This episode is shockingly similar to:

"The Man Trap" An alien shapeshifter somehow manages to get aboard the Enterprise and fools everyone into believing that s/he is the long-lost love of one of the crew members. That crew member is then unable to subdue or kill the alien shapeshifter, even after said alien is exposed as such, because that alien looks like that lost love.


"What Are Little Girls Made Of?"  A successful female crew member joins the Enterprise after her fiance goes missing. Both men are found after five years, and both turn out to be now not-human, though they retain the memories and feelings of those men. In the case of this episode, Carter is an alien spy. In the case of Little Girls, Roger Korby was made into an android.

*******

Happened to be in a Starschmucks this week, and they had ads up all over the place for their new Mango Black Tea Lemonade. (Something I've come to like about Starschmucks: they always have new iced tea blends out every summer. There are some that I've come to adore, and then been disappointed when they turned out to be "limited time only" and went away, but I'm glad they make the effort all the same.) I've found that as I try more teas, that I've gravitating away from the blacks and more toward the herbals, whites and greens. But this sounded pretty good, so I figured, why not?
And it is. It's fruity, but not so much that you might mistake it for juice rather than tea. You do get some tea flavor, but you also get a bit of tartness, owing to the lemonade.
Here's where you might say "Yes, this is for me!" or "Ugh, get it away!" : the mango syrup sweetens it, which means that if you like you tea sweeter, this might be a good choice for you. But if an unsweetened tea is more your dance, you'll want to stay away.
Me, I'll have another.

http://www.starbucks.com/menu/drinks/tea/mango-black-tea-lemonade

Moe enjoys the sun.

ST:TAS Season One, Episode Five: More Tribbles, More Troubles

"More Tribbles, More Troubles"
Air Order: 5
Star Date: 5392.4
Original Air Date: October 6, 1973



I had a dream the other night that Chris Rock had three arms and three legs. I recall thinking, "Wow, this dream has really good CGI!" The moral of the story is: don't watch animated Star Trek and The Fifth Element before bed unless you want to wake up confused.

As far as I can tell, I should credit this to Masao (?) as it appears to
be from his/her Photobucket.

*******

We start out this week with a really slow, long shot of the Enterprise. Seriously. It drifts across the screen like in real time, and the 15 seconds or so it takes to make it from the middle of the screen to disappear off to the right is the longest 15 seconds ever. "Tra-la-la, waiting for the show to start."

Kirk's Log 5392.4: "We have to take quadrotriticale to Sherman's Planet in these two robot ships. Like, the grain ships are being run from our bridge. Cool, huh? I have no idea what's going to happen, even though the audience already knows. Also, Sherman's Planet is not a stupid name at all."

I don't know about the design on these robot ships, you guys. They look like buildings featured on The Jetsons, which then had warp nacelles attached to the back at the last minute. And they're not terribly aerodynamic-looking. I mean, I know there's no air in space, so they wouldn't need to be aerodynamic, but I sort of liken space travel to underwater travel, and let's face it, submarines are built to move quickly and efficiently through the water, so... whatever dynamic you need for space travel, this doesn't have it.

So anyway, the E is running these two robot ships to Sherman's Falafel Hut and Celestial Body, where they are having major issues with starvation and famine. They have a reason to rush. So why do they take a detour? They see a Klingon ship nearby, chasing a much smaller ship of Federation design. I wanna repeat that: the small ship comes from Federation space, but is not Star Fleet. Kirk dragged two huge robot ships and his own over to this other area, moving further away from the planet they are rescuing, so he can rubberneck a car chase. I get it: the E is like the sheriff of space. We already established that in an earlier episode. But you're tending to an emergency, which could mean the saving of millions or billions of lives. RADIO TO STAR FLEET FOR SOMEONE TO COME CHECK IT OUT, YOU IDIOT.

Kirk gives the excuse to his bridge officers that the Klingons are rumored to have some swanky new weapon, and this is their chance to gather some intelligence on it.

They reach the car chase, and the Klingons have begun firing on the smaller ship, which Spock reports is a little one-person affair. Kirk calls Scotty and tells him to beam the captain of the little ship onto the E.

Scotty replies back that he's plugging in the coordinates, and some shots show him (voiced with the correct accent), but it's interspersed with shots of Kyle, the Red who sometimes runs the transporter. There's budget-conscious, and then there's laziness, Filmation.

What follows is like three versions of the same scene, which makes me think that they're padding for time. Basically, Kirk asks to have the shields go up and communications open. Then he hails the Klingons and asks them to identify themselves. He yells at the Klingon ship to tell him who they are no less than four times. In one version of the scene, Sulu replies that shields are up. In another, Uhura reports that hailing frequencies are open. They're cut with shots of the battle outside; namely, the Klingon vessel firing on the smaller ship. I notice that at no point in time does Kirk try to hail the smaller vessel. He just tells Scotty to beam the lone person onto the E. Won't that other captain be surprised when he's randomly transported to another ship!

So the Klingons succeed in blowing up the little ship, but Scotty is down in the transporter room swearing at the equipment because something having to do with the Klingon ship has shut his shit down.

The Klingons turn and fire some kind of icy death ray or something at the E and Kirk is marveling at it. Spock just starts reporting on the thing, and he still is when it hits. Y'all, he reported it would hit in four seconds. Kirk couldn't have at least tried for evasive maneuvers?

Spock says it's some kind of stasis field, and after some quick checks, they determine that the weapon has knocked out all of the ship's higher functions, including phasers and torpedoes.

Uhura actually sighs and says, "Well, we could always throw rocks."

I burst out laughing. That was pretty awesome.

Kirk calls down to the transporter room, but Scotty says that while he managed to beam the pilot off the little ship, whoever it is is stuck inside the machinery as a pattern. Uhura says she is being hailed and Kirk has her put it on viewscreen. It's the Klingon captain.

"Dude, what the hell?" demands Kirk. "Why are you in space, blowing up Federation ships?"

"Chillax," says the Klingon. "We just want the captain of that ship. He committed ecological sabotage against us."

"Bite me," replies Kirk. "That dude is under our protection. Also, let my ship go."

"Hey," Uhura whispers to Spock while Kirk is arguing with the Klingon. "The robot ships are drifting off. If they get too far away, we'll lose contact with them completely."

Kirk is paying enough attention to have her mute the Klingon and explain the situation.

"Oh, I have a great idea!" says Kirk. "Sulu can navigate those robot ships back to us, and he can use them to ram the Klingons! Then we'll get away!"

"That's a dumbass plan," says Spock. "We'll lose that grain, and people are depending on it to, you know, not die."

"Shut the hell up," says Kirk. "My plan is awesome, and my ship is worth more than all of those starving people."

TL;DR:

So Kirk has Uhura bring the Klingon back up on the viewscreen, and he tells the Klingon (who turns out to be our old friend Koloth from - what else? - "The Trouble with Tribbles") that he isn't going to give up the mysterious ship captain, and that he's going to free his ship from the Klingon death ray beam.

"Yeah, right," says Koloth. He holds up a guitar pick or something, like it's threatening. (Don't worry, friends. We never find out what that thing was that Koloth was holding.) Then he signs off.

Kirk thinks Koloth is bluffing.

Bluffing in what way? About boarding your ship and strumming your musical instruments? Cuz he'll do it, Kirk. He'll not only strum those instruments, he'll gyrate his pelvis and make all the girls in their ass-bearing tunics scream with fangirl joy.

Kirk orders Sulu to bring the robot ships in from two different angles so they can attack easier.

Kirk's plan totally doesn't work. The Klingons, surprisingly, have a way to split the death ray beam into three, so that they halt all three ships at once.

NEVER FUCK WITH KOLOTH AND HIS SCARY-ASS GUITAR PICK!

Only it doesn't work. Apparently, this new weapon needs an extra frickin' huge battery, and the energy required to hold three ships at bay is too much. The stasis field peters out, and Koloth ends up firing at one of the robot ships (probably because he was pissed off, and - let's face it - throwing a tantrum). So all Kirk got for his Bigger Dick Contest was a damaged robot ship. The Klingons limp away, too weak for a fight.

Kirk finally remembers that they have someone lost in the transporter pattern buffer, and he calls down to Scotty to check in. Scotty confirms that he is materializing the captain of the little ship now. Once again, that amazing thing happens where only two seconds pass, but somehow Kirk, Spock and Bones all manage to make it to the other side of the ship in that time.

"Oh hey, we know that guy," says Spock when the new person appears on the transporter pad.

"Oh, fuck me," laments Kirk. "Did I just save Cyrano Jones, Douchebag Extraordinaire, and four big piles of tribbles from the fucking Klingons?"

Fun fact of the Day! Why are the tribbles pink? Because director Hal Sutherland was colorblind, and often mixed up pink and grey. Why the colorblind director was making decisions for the ink and paint crew, I have no idea. You'd think someone would have stepped forward and said, "Hal, did you mean for these to be pink or grey?" This is also why the normally drab tunics on the Klingons are pink. Apparently, this pink/grey problem will come up quite a few more times over the course of TAS.

Kirk's Log, supplemental: "So one of the robot ships was damaged, and now we have Cyrano Jones and a shit-ton of tribbles on board, but that detour was totally worth the lives it probably cost on that famine-stricken planet, because we kind of got a look at the new Klingon weapon, and made a bunch of guesses about it that we can send back to Star Fleet. So good job, Kirk. I should find someone to pat me on the back. I deserve it."

Kirk tells a skinny ensign to seal off the area so no tribbles get out. That ensign is actually David Gerrold, who wrote the script. He wrote himself into "More Tribbles, More Troubles" because he had wanted to be in the original TOS episode, but had been judged to be too skinny.

"WTF, Jones?" demands Kirk. "Tribbles have been deemed dangerous. You're breaking a bunch of laws by transporting them."

"No, it's cool," says Jones. "I bred these to be sterile. They don't reproduce. Also, I have this cool new thing, called a glommer. It eats tribbles."

He pulls this thing from his pocket that looks like drawings of aliens that you made as a kid. It's got four legs and two eye stalks and random fangs even though it appears to lack a mouth. 

He sets the thing on the floor next to a tribble, and he, Kirk and Bones all lean over to watch. We don't get to see it eat the tribble, we just see the men leaning over, and then we check back in with the glommer to see that the tribble is gone.

"Why were the Klingons chasing you?" Kirk asks.

"They're Klingons. Klingons are dicks," Jones brushes him off. When pressed, he replies that he sold tribbles on a Klingon planet, not knowing that it belonged to them.

"You're a dumbass," says Kirk. "And you broke like, 50 laws. Beeteedubs, while you're here, I'm confining you to quarters."

Down in sick bay, Bones is scanning tribbles to check them out. Later, he goes to a senior officer meeting and tells the others it's true that these tribbles do not reproduce, they just get fat. Pacified, Kirk turns the meeting topic back to the Klingon weapon. Scotty says that the death ray beam can immobilize enemy ships, but it drains the Klingon ships' energy. Spock wonders how long it will take the Klingons to recharge, and surmises that they'll come back after the E when they're ready, probably taking out the other robot ship to prevent Kirk from trying that maneuver again. He points out that the Klingons really just want Jones.

Scotty reports that when the robot ship was damaged, all of the barrel of quadrotriticale were transferred over to the E (because of course they were), and that the barrels now line the corridors because there isn't room, and now the extra weight is slowing them down. It now sucks more that Jones is on board with his tribbles.

"It's worth it," says Kirk. "Sherman's Gluten-Free Paleo Planet desperately needs that grain."

I'd like to take this moment to reach through the screen and punch Kirk. Just to put things into perspective, Kirk has caused a grand total of all of this drama. The E was directing two large ships of grain to a famine-stricken planet when he detoured to rubberneck. Instead of reporting the fight and going onward to the planet, he got involved. His hubris got one of the robot ships damaged, so the grain had to be transferred to the E, where there isn't room. He also, without hailing the other little ship and checking to see who was onboard, beamed the captain off, which turned out to be Jones and a bunch of tribbles. If he had actually ascertained what the trouble was before blindly beaming, he would have figured out that the Klingons probably had a legit claim against Jones. If he had passed by the fight and continued to Sherman's Terribly-Named Planet, then some other Federation vessel probably would have intervened, and no one would be late getting to the famine party. But just like every time they need to beam down to another planet, Kirk must be at the center of the action.

Up on the bridge, Spock reports that the Klingons appear to be battle-ready again, and Kirk pushes a tribble out of his chair. It's much larger than the ones Jones brought on board initially, and he mutters, "How fat do these things get?"

You're one to talk, Kirk.

They ready for battle, but the Klingon battleship veers off to the side and takes out the warp nacelles on the remaining robot ship. Koloth specifically targets the propulsion system and leaves the cargo undamaged. This does two things: one, it means that Sulu can't use the robot ship to pull that same ploy that they tried earlier; and two, Koloth doesn't give a damn about the grain. He isn't out for some kind of revenge against Kirk. He just wants Jones. So he probably has a legit claim to the trader. The bridge crew really only makes a note of the first of that, though.

With the robot ship out of commission, the Klingons fire phasers at the E.

The E fires back, and the Klingons move away. Spock surmises that the weapon isn't fully charged yet. So Koloth only waited until they had enough juice to take out the robot ship, then he limped away to continue charging. Smart.

So apparently, the barrels of grain in the corridors got knocked over during battle, and of course they spilled everywhere. And of course it is now being eaten by the tribbles, which have grown to like, three feet.

Kirk tells Sulu that they will have to tractor in the other robot ship. Spock points out that that will slow them down by a lot, and make them less maneuverable, which is probably what the Klingons wanted in the first place.

Kirk asks if he has a plan to combat this.

"We could always throw tribbles at them," he shrugs, playing off of Uhura's earlier remark.

"I didn't think Vulcans had a sense of humor," muses Kirk.

"We don't," replies Spock, which is a complete fallacy to anyone who has watched this show. Vulcans have a dry, sardonic sense of humor and will utilize sarcasm with a dead-pan expression.

Scotty comes in to say that the grain has spilled all over the corridors, and the tribbles are eating it.

We get some shots of grain and tribbles, and this one that shows that the tribbles are now too big for the glommer to eat:

Kirk calls Jones to the bridge while Sulu keeps an eye out for the Klingons. He then yells at Jones about the tribbles eating the grain in the halls. He demands to know if introducing tribbles to a Klingon planet is the ecological sabotage that Koloth was talking about. In the course of this discussion, he pushes a large tribble out of his chair twice. Just freaking sit down, Kirk.

The Klingons return, and Kirk orders Sulu to cut the tractor beam to the robot ship, which they'll pick up later.

Kirk's Log, supplemental: "The Klingons want this guy. I have him. I don't know why they want him, or why I have him. This really could have been resolved if I'd just hailed Jones during the first battle. Then I could have just said, "Oh, it's you, muthafucka," and moved on."

So the Klingons use their weapon again, and while they're frozen, Koloth calls them.

"Dude, give us Jones, or we're gonna take your ship."

"I'd love to give you that a-hole," replies Kirk. "But he's a Federation citizen, so he has to stay with us." 

Kirk cuts the transmission, and we see Koloth on his ship, giving the orders to board the E.

On the bridge, Kirk tells Scotty that they're going with "defense plan B," which is something that Spock suggested.

Next we see Klingons lined u to board the E, but when the doors to the their transporter room open, giant tribbles flood out and into the inner workings of the ship.

Scotty turns off the transporter and reports that defense plan B has been completed.

Kirk hails Koloth and asks if he is ready to release the Enterprise.

"What the hell are you talking about?" demands Koloth. "We're getting ready to board your ship and take over."

There's an animation eff-up here, where instead of setting the Koloth character behind the viewscreen, they set his animation cells on top of the bridge cell, so he briefly appears to be standing on the bridge instead of speaking from his own ship.

Kirk tells Koloth that he has "immobilized your ship worse that you have immobilized mine" which Koloth doesn't get until a huge tribble rolls by behind his chair.

Now, suddenly, everyone is willing to talk. Jones' "eco sabotage" was actually him taking the glommer from one of their planets. The glommer was artificially created by the Klingons to kill off the tribble population, and they had intended to make more, but Jones took the only one. In truth, they're prepared to go to war to get it back, and they don't give a shit about what happens to Jones.

"Oh, okay," replies Kirk, and he calls Scotty to have the glommer beamed over.

See how easy it is when you just fucking talk to one another?

Down in the transporter room, Jones is arguing with Scotty, and trying to claim that he gets space salvage rights to the glommer, but Scotty points out that space salvage rights don't extend to landing on the surface of a planet and outright stealing shit. But if he really wants it that badly, Scotty will beam him over to the Klingon ship. Jones gives him the glommer.

The glommer is beamed over, the Klingons turn their beam off, and everyone goes their separate ways.

Out in the grain-covered corridor, Bones explains that Jones' biological tampering with the tribbles was half-assed. He shut off their fertility, but left their metabolism rates set for sky-high. What's more, each huge tribble is actually just a colony of tribbles.

On the Klingon ship, Koloth takes the glommer to what I guess is the engine room, and tells the glommer to attack the tribbles. Then he opens the door, to reveal one huge tribble. The glommer runs away in a comical fashion.

Realizing that he's in a bit more of a pickle than expected, Koloth lets loose with some swears that are super-squeaky clean for Saturday morning television ("tin-plated"? What does that even mean?) but that you know are substitutes for nastier stuff. Either way, Kirk deserves it. 

Koloth orders another Klingon to shoot the tribble, but it just explodes into a thousand little individuals, burying both Klingons.

Back on the E, Bones explains that he can give the tribbles shots of something that slows down their metabolic rate and keeps them from forming one big tribble. he gives the closest one the shot, and it breaks into little tribbles.

"You missed one," says Kirk, pointing to a huge tribble in an exposed Jeffries tube.

"No, I got that one," says Bones, and it breaks up into tiny tribbles, which then bury Kirk.

"One day, I'll learn," he mutters.

The last few scenes have been scored with this bouncy, "fun" music that lets you know that Star Trek is being goofy on purpose. I can't figure out if it's okay, or just annoying. 

Haha, isn't it funny that Kirk and the Klingons have Too Many Tribbles?

"If you're gonna have tribbles," says Scotty, "it's best to have little ones."

I think that was supposed to be a punchline, but it really isn't that funny. Kirk makes a face like he's devising recipes in which to cook tribbles.

This episode is kind of all over the place. What annoys me is that Kirk The Great is responsible for 100% of the "More Troubles" that they encounter, yet only Spock calls him on it, and even then, it gets brushed off. Beyond that, both the ending solution and a bunch of the gags were lifted directly from the original episode, including beaming the tribbles onto the Klingon ship, the gag with Kirk's chair always being filled with tribbles, and the "being buried in tribbles" gag.

One of the really interesting things about the animated series is that they frequently made use of scripts that had been written for the original series, but had not been shot. This one is one of those. It had not gone into production because TOS producer Fred Frieberger did not like the original tribble episode. One of those things that ended up being cut: the initial idea for the glommers was that they would breed as fast as the tribbles, and then members of the E crew would go missing, implying that the glommers would snack on many kinds of prey. But the powers that be decided that that would be too gruesome for Saturday morning, so they cut it back to one glommer, trying to eat huge tribbles and failing.

Here's the part where science fails me: I don't know much about colonies, but the huge tribble = many tribbles thing doesn't seem to add up very well. So they eat the grain, and rather than reproducing, they get bigger. That makes sense. But then it turns out that they're not getting bigger, they're just...snuggling? More grain = tribbles hanging out together? What?

Star Trek, are you trying to baffle me with bullshit again?

*******

I don't really select new teas to try with any kind of system (unless I'm working my way through a mixed box), so my selection usually involves looking at boxes on the shelf and asking, "What have I not tried as of yet?" If something on the label says "blackberry" I'm grabbing it. Likewise if it says peach.

In this case, I grabbed the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Blackberry Pomegranate. I always enjoy a good Sleepytime, because who wants to be up at 2 am after making the mistake of drinking java mate before bed? (Also, I like the Sleepytime bear. Sue me.)

Now, the last thing you expect to think when you open a box of green tea spiked with berries is, "Why does my tea smell like mint?" but it does. In fact, the first and third ingredients listed on the box for this tea are chamomile and spearmint. I brewed a cup anyway, and... it tastes like chamomile and spearmint. I honestly couldn't taste the berries at all. Now, I've grown rather accustomed to the taste of chamomile, and it's grown on me a bit, so it's not a bad cup of tea. But there's virtually no berry taste, so if that's what you're after, look elsewhere. If you're down with the chamomile, you may really enjoy this tea.

http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/wellness-teas/blackberry-pomegranate

Quiche also enjoys the Sleepytime tea.

Happy Fourth!

A Canadian friend posted this today.

I love you, Canada

Remember, friends: it is okay to get drunk.

It is okay to play with fireworks.

It is not okay to get drunk and do stupid things with fireworks.

Lady Archon cares about your fucking safety, dammit.

ST:TAS Season One, Episode Four: The Lorelei Signal

"The Lorelei Signal"
Air Order: 4
Star Date: 5483.7
Original Air Date: September 29, 1973

Kirk's Log 5483.7: "Going into an unexplored area of space. Over the last 150 years, A bunch of starships have disappeared here over the last 150 years, like once every 27 years or so. That won't happen to us, though, because I'm Kirk, and this is the Enterprise."

"We have twenty seconds left until something happens, and we fall off the map," says Spock.
"Okay," says Kirk. "Let's do yellow alert."
Spock counts down, and when he gets to one, Uhura reports a sub-space radio message that's actually just one long tone when played through the PA. We get some shots of the tone emanating through the speakers all over the ship, which makes me wonder: when they put subspace messages on "speakerphone," does it always broadcast through the ship like that? I thought it was only on the bridge. If they put Kor or Kang from the Klingon Empire on the viewscreen, can people in engineering eavesdrop in on the conversation?

Spock reports that they are being scanned from a star system twenty light years from their position.

"Damn, that's a long probe," says Kirk.

The guys on the bridge all think the sound resembles a summons.

Uhura says it doesn't sound like a summons to her. Kirk kind of waves her off.

They dutifully turn the ship in the direction of the signal.

Uhura pages Christine to the bridge. "All of the guys are acting weird."

They're all just kind of standing on the bridge, staring off into actual space, and acting... I dunno, super-high? Spock says that the sound reminds him of Vulcan mating drums. They show some transparent girl playing a drum over animation of Spock's face. And they use that wavy "viewing things underwater" filter-special effect thing on her, like it's a mirage or something.

He says he's hallucinating. Kirk says the same, and a wavy girl appears over a shot of him as well.

"Um, what are you guys on?" asks Uhura. "Cuz we sure as shit don't see anything."

Kirk asks Uhura to call Bones, but Bones doesn't answer because he also appears to be sitting in his office, high as a kite, muttering about magnolias in bloom.

There's some wavy-filter animation, and a planet appears on the viewscreen ahead of them.

A quick fangirl moment here: there's this animation technique that I've seen them use a few times before, using this red-orange planet. They watercolored the planet surface in vertical striations, then moved the watercolored paper behind the black background, through an unpainted circle. The striations moving across the open circle make it appear as though the planet is rotating. It's so ridiculously cool I think I made a squeaky noise the first time I saw it.

Scotty's Log 5483.8: "So we're in orbit over the second planet in the Taurean system, and it looks like there was once a really cool civilization here. We got some weird readings, so Kirk and them are checking it out. In other news, I'm hallucinating some chick's face in a flower. She's pretty hot."

So while all the guys are busy in bonerland, Uhura and Christine are checking out the sensor scans. Apparently, what Spock reported to Kirk is not what is showing up on the screens.

On the surface, Kirk is hanging out with Spock, Bones, and some random Red named Carver.

"Hey," says Spock, taking a scan, "my beeping box says our troubles may increase if we go into that building, where there are life-forms. We should not do the thing."

"Man, screw you," says Kirk. "There's non-dangerous poontang in that building. We are so doing the thing."

So of course they do the thing.

They get inside, and we learn that this is the much-touted "Star Trek meets She-Ra, Princess of Power" episode. (Fun fact: Filmation did the anmation for She-Ra as well. Color me surprised.) The head chick is named Theela, and because we have only two female cast members on this show, all of the women are voiced by Majel Barrett. I'm having flashbacks of that scene in Austin Powers with the fembots. Everyone is blonde, everyone has the same voice, they must all be the same girl, duplicated over and over again.

The girl behind Theela's left shoulder seems to have a disease that
afflicts female cartoon and graphic novel characters. It's called
"There's Not Enough Room In My Torso For Actual Organs."
Amazingly, it is not fatal.

So Theela greets all of the guys by name except for Carver (rude), and Spock scans them (rude) and reports that their physiology is different (also rude - they're standing right there!), and that they have some kind of psychokinesis as part of their body function.

"First time I've ever admired a body function," quips Bones. Rude.

Kirk asks Theela how he knew their names, and she says that the "opto-aud" told them (I'm guessing that means optical-audio, because it's basically a freaking closed-circuit tv). Then she turns to this thing that looks like the Guardian of Forever, and she makes a humming noise at it, and it turns on and shows them the E bridge, with Scotty sitting in the captain's chair.

Spock admires the fact that the opto-aud opens with a tonal lock.

Theela says they have lots of things to discuss, and that they are having a feast in honor of their new visitors.

And because we can't have a commercial break without dramatic music, they play some right after Theela says she is going to feed them. Are we assuming the food has been poisoned? Or did Theela just admit that she's a shitty cook?

Kirk's Log 5..4..8..3 point...9?: "I'm pretty baked, and so are my friends, but these chicks are super bangable, so who cares? You know what would be fun? We should take them to Amsterdam."

Everyone is enjoying themselves at the feast when Bones asks where all the dudes are at this taco fest. Theela says they're somewhere else.

"That makes sense," reasons Kirk, in that same voice that your best guy friend uses when he's trying to justify his girlfriend's crazy level against her hotness level.

One girl tosses to Spock what appears to be a huge ruby. When he stands up to catch it, he collapses. The rest of our boys try to help him, but end up collapsing themselves.

"You should go to the rest chambers and sleep," suggests Theela.

Our boys are dragged off to sleep, and Theela lets one single tear slip, because this show hates me.

A little later, Bones and Spock stumble into Kirk's resting chamber. They are now both wearing fashionable tiaras, and they've aged considerably. Kirk wakes up, sees them, realizes without a mirror that he is now also much older, and cringes.

Upstairs, Uhura and Christine have correctly identified that males are of little use at this point, and they've been investigating this weird-ass planet and inhabitants using an all-female science team. Because Majel is doing all of the voices for the females on the planet, Nichelle has taken all of the voices for the female crew members, as well as the voice of the computer. Nichelle actually does a pretty good job, changing her voice and accents slightly to make it seem like a much bigger cast was involved.

Anyway, the computer says that the probe that the planet launched at the ship affects the males onboard in such a way that they will eventually lose all energy and die.

Uhura calls for Security Red Davison, and tells her that she wants all-female crews of Security Reds at each transporter, and that no one is to be allowed to transport down.

"The hell?" asks Christine.

"Yeah, I'm taking over the ship," says Uhura.

YAY! About freaking time! When Kirk comes back, can we just stick him in engineering, or something?

Down in the throne room, Theela is sitting on her skinny ass while our boys tell her that they must leave and go back to the ship.

"You can't go," she replies. "We need you here. Pretty soon, all of the men on your ship will come to us."

"Naw... we have to go," mumbles Kirk.

"Obstruct them!" yells Theela. (No, really. She says "obstruct.")

And a bunch of girls come forward and literally toss our boys into a heap in the corner.

The next scene is awesome. It's just the E slowly, slooooowly drifting across the screen, while Scotty sings drunkenly in Gaelic. Seriously, if you're going to watch this episode for anything, watch it for this scene. You won't be disappointed.

When we actually go to the bridge, Uhura informs Scotty that she's relieving him of duty and taking over. She promptly records an acting captains log that says she's taking over because Scotty is off his rocker.

He responds with "Very thoughtful of you, love."

She then puts Christine in charge of sick bay. Lt Uhura: kickin' ass and takin' names.

So for whatever reason, the Majel clones have allowed Bones to keep his med kit, and he gives the away team all shots of some strong stimulant. I have no idea where any of the women have gone, or why they left the boys alone, but it happened, so now the boys are going to shoot themselves up. They manage to escape out the front doors, but not before Theela discovers them leaving.

Everyone runs out into the garden, and Kirk suggests that they hide in a giant urn that looks like a fancy termite mound.

Once they're hidden, the women search that part of the garden, and the tiaras on the boys glow yellow. When the women leave to search elsewhere, the glowing stops.

"Y'all, I have a theory," says Spock. "The tiaras are how the women sap our life energy. They are taking it for themselves. So they get stronger in our presence, as we get weaker. Remember how, when we first met them, they were kind of listless?"

No dude, because they were never animated that way. They're been the same, start to finish. Sure, Theela shouts a little more enthusiastically now, but there was no reason for her to shout earlier, so you can't reasonably say that she is no longer acting in a listless manner.

Anyway, we're just going to have to buy whatever it is that Spock is selling, because without that, the rest of the episode doesn't make sense.

He predicts that they're aging about ten years per day, and Bones exclaims that they'll be dead in four. So then Kirk jumps in to say that the women will need to replenish their supply of dudes with the rest of the men on the Enterprise. Spock finishes the conversation by volunteering to get the comms, because he, as a Vulcan, has a longer life and more strength. Kirk agrees to let him go with the most pronounced nod ever animated.

Back inside the castle-thing, Spock realizes that he has no clue where to look for the comms, so he decides to ask the opto-aud. He closes his eyes, and they use Christine's earlier voice work to make the sound that turns it on. How do I know they used Christine's voice? Because Leonard Nimoy's voice is too deep to make that sound.

He asks the opto-thingy where the comms are, and it shows him that they are inside the ottoman at the base of the throne. Spock crawls up the stairs, procures the equipment, and calls the E.

"Enterprise," answers Uhura. "Captain Badass speaking."

"Need...rescue team," Spock struggles. "All-female..."

He collapses on the dais, repeating the words "all-female" over and over, while the blonde bitches surround him.

Because she's classy like that, Uhura continues to put together an all-female rescue team, rather than answer "Took you long enough to figure it out, Ear Boy."

The away team beams down, mostly female security officers (have we actually seen any female security Reds before?), and oops, some painter has reassigned Christine to Ops. There's a brief catfight moment where Theela welcomes them to the still-nameless planet, then instructs them to GTFO.

"Yeah, no," says Uhura. "Those are not the hell your boys."

Theela points at the away team like she's directing her bitches to seize them or something, but the away team just stuns their asses. Then Uhura orders the team to split into groups of two and conduct a search.

In a resting chamber, Spock senses or hears the away team or something, and he decides to call to Christine telepathically.

Hold up: can he do that? I mean, I know the dude is an alien, but you can't assign every super power to him and just explain it away as him being Vulcan. I've never seen him communicate telepathically before last week, and then he had made some sort of by-proxy mind-meld thing with a cloud. Here, he's just calling out to another crew member. I mean, I guess it's canon now, but it's awfully convenient when you make something mildly impossible into canon, just to solve a minor problem like, "Where are you?" This is why Lady Archon prefers comm badges to communication devices - she could have tapped her comm badge and been "Christine to Spock" and he would have been like "Yo, I'm in the rest chamber to your right." Okay, I know that that means that any hostile can just snatch the comm badge off your chest, and you'd be in the same pickle, but as we've seen, not everyone is smart enough to realize that it's a comm badge and not just some brooch, and those communication devices are very obviously tools. But it's a hell of a lot better than saying, "Let's just make him telepathically tell her where he is."

Anyway, he calls out "Miss Chapel" and she tells Uhura that Spock is calling to her, and then he calls her Christine, which is pretty forward for a Vulcan, especially when he rarely ever calls his best friend by his first name, either.

She figures out when he's calling to her from (how, I wonder?), and realizes that she's standing right next to a panel in the wall, which, when opened, reveals Spock laying on the bed.

SHE HAS A RED SLEEVE NOW? WHO THE HELL IS QUALITY-
CHECKING THIS SHOW?!

They run in to him, and something has happened to make him age like Yoda.

Seriously. he wasn't that old when they caught him on the dais a few minutes ago, and if he looks like that now, what must the guys in the urn look like?

It starts raining outside, because of course it does. The men being kind of incapacitated didn't make enough of a difference, because there are enough women crew members to run the ship without them. Girls in Charge is not an adequate Disable the Ship sub-plot. (Thank Zod for that, I would have had to punch somebody if it was.) So the away team drowning in an urn in the garden is our new Disable the Ship for this episode.

Unable to locate the rest of the away team, they transport Spock up to sick bay. There, Christine removes his tiara, and he tells her raspily that a female engineer needs to divert all energy to the shields to block out the signal. She protests that they had tried that, but he reiterates that it must be all power, and not just a lot.

Downstairs, Uhura is tired of Theela's shit. She uses a phaser to disintegrate a vase, then pretty much tells Theela that she's gonna bust up the place if she doesn't get some answers. Seeing she's at a loss, Theela opens the opto-aud, and gives Uhura the PowerPoint presentation of her people's history.

So Theela's people emigrated to this planet when their own planet died, and things for fine for a hot second, but then the men started getting and dying at a crazy-fast rate. Turns out the planet itself beefed up some gland that the women had, making them stronger and kind of immortal. They have powers to control men's emotions, but it kills the men. Every 27 years or so, they have to get a new supply of fresh men, be it human, Klingon, or Romulan. They're essentially trapped there, unable to die, and unable to procreate.

"Okay, that's nice, but where's my men?" demands Uhura.

They decide to ask the opto-aud, and ignore the fact that they might have done so earlier, when the away team escaped into the garden in the first place. The opto-aud shows the team up to their chests in water.

They run out into the garden and destroy the urn with phasers. I have to wonder why, when the urn was full enough, they didn't just climb out. I mean, I know they were too weak to climb out because they were old and weak, but nothing was keeping them from floating in that urn. Ah, well. Whatever. Uhura and the very capable away team get the guys out of the urn, and back to the E.

Up in sick bay, Christine and some others try to restore the away team to their original ages, to no avail.

"I think we should try the transporters," rasps Spock. "They hold our original DNA sequencing, and maybe going back through the transporters again, set in a specific way, would reverse this. The odds are pretty much astronomically against us, even though everything we try has never been tested before, is almost guaranteed not to work, but always ends up working anyway."

"Yeah," says Kirk. "Enterprise FTW."

So they beam the boys down to the surface again.

"Beam us up, Scotty," says Kirk, which is actually the closest to that iconic bumper sticker that the show's dialog ever gets. (Nope, Kirk never says, "Beam me up, Scotty." Not in the shows, not in the films.)

This time, with adjustments, Kirk & Co come out as planned.

We're back on the surface again, and it's Uhura who has once again taken charge. Theela destroys this round thing on a pedestal that turns out to be how they were broadcasting that signal. She tells Uhura to let know that they did as they agreed they would do, and Uhura tells them that a ship with an all-female crew will be back to pick them up and take them to another suitable planet. These girls are super-stoked and want to know how quickly they'll go back to being normal. Uhura says that Bones says it'll be a few months.

"Awesome," says Theela. "Immortality seriously blows."

And the E leaves orbit.

So despite some issues, this episode had some good stuff going for it. For one, there was brief discussion about how immortality sucks ass. You've probably seen Highlander or Doctor Who, so you know how it goes: you stay the same, while your loved ones grow old and die, and you're forced to either move on after a while, or rewatch the same dance over and over. As a race of people who like to dream about the impossible, we were forced to face facts that immortality comes with it's own set of issues. Queen is right: who wants to live forever?

But who is this Lorelei chick? The main girl's name was Theela.

Star Trek is getting clever on us again. Lorelei are the name of the sirens in German mythology who lure sailors to their deaths, just like their Greek cousins.

The best part of this episode is that when the chips are down among the men, the females can pick up without blinking, and nobody questions it. Uhura didn't hem and haw and Hamlet like Kirk sometimes does. She picked up a phaser, pushed Scotty out of the captain's chair, and began issuing orders. She took no crap, and got the job done quickly and efficiently. I have no idea how this episode was met critically, being that it was broadcast on Saturday mornings at ten am, but it's cool to think about - a POC female took command of the Enterprise, several years after that Number One debacle. Does it help that this episode was written by a female? Maybe. (Margaret Armen also wrote "The Gamesters of Triskelion" (ugh), "The Paradise Syndrome" (noooooo), and the teleplay for "The Cloud Minders", which was actually pretty good.) What's most awesome is that no one bats an eyelash at Uhura taking charge. She's treated like any other crew member who is next in line for command and takes it.

It's not a huge part of the episode, but I'd like to give a command gold star to the writers for solving a problem with good science fiction rather than the crappy kind. The suggestion of sending them back through the transporter was excellent, because it has already been established that each person who uses the transporter has their original DNA pattern stored in the pattern buffer. There's no magic wand waved, no new machine used that we will never see again, no potion that Bones must pull out of his ass at the last minute, which will make them young and whole again. No, they return to the transporter, set it for their original DNA sequencing, and run them through it again. This is awesome! Science fiction (and Star Trek) had already established that when is transported, one is actually destroyed at the entry point, and then remade again at the destination. Science has established that, too! Good for you, Star Trek.

*******

HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING COMM BADGE: I think I found a chai that I actually like.

So Roomie (who claims that she does not pilfer things) pilfered some more tea from somewhere, and she brought home these little elongated pyramids with leaf tags that say "Tea Forte." They're actually really cool-looking, and upon further research, I discovered that the founder got himself some learning at RISD. Nice!

The tea itself is spicy, a bit heavy on the cinnamon, but some honey took the bite off it.

You want to know the shitty part? Roomie has not been able to tell me which chai it is. She took the little jacket off the bag, and now I have no idea what I drank. I tried looking it up online, but their website lists like, five thousand chais. So now I might have to Cinderella that shit, trying cup after cup of a blend that I don't normally like, all to find the one that I do.

Blergh.

Anyway, you might want to give these a shot. They seem to make a good-quality product, and the one I tried was really good, despite the fact that I have zero clue as to what it was.

Edit: After some sleuthing and educated guesses, Agent K and I have decided that it probably Winter Chai.

https://www.teaforte.com/

Mass hysteria!