Season 3, Episode 78 "All Our Yesterdays"

"All Our Yesterdays"

Production Order: 78
Air Order: 78
Stardate: 5943.7
Original Air Date: March 14, 1969

Last week, while perusing  a fancy organic grocery store for something both edible and affordable, Roomie and I stumbled upon this book:

We stood in the impulse gift section, reading each page and snickering.
Roomie dropped it in our basket. "Rumor has decided that you require this book. Rumor is buying it for you," she stated, whipping out their joint debit card. "Thank you, Rumor."
So it's not that I want to shake the hand of the author of this book. It's more like I want to make the Vulcan hand sign at him. I want to tell him to Live Long and Prosper. Then, while my hand is still in that formation, I want to high-five him. A Vulcan high-five.
You guys should read this. No, really. I'll wait. Go do it.

*******

Kirk's Log 5943.7: "So the sun in the Beta Niobi system is going nova in a few hours. The last report we got about the only planet in that system said that there was intelligent life living there, but now our scans say that there's no one on the planet. We're gonna check it out, even though past experience says that we're gonna get trapped on the planet just before nova-time, and that we'll have to struggle to escape. I hope the sound guys are ready with the Dramatic Music button."

*hand goes up* Hi, I have a question? What about the Prime Directive? Are you allowed to just stumble upon some planet and beam down? Seems intrusive to me. Also, if your earlier reports said that there was life, and now there is not, do you have reason to doubt said report? Otherwise, why are you beaming down to check it out? Is your equipment malfunctioning?

So our Golden Trio beams down into a building on the surface. (Beyond the establishing shot of the E in orbit, all of this episode takes place on the surface. We hear Scotty over the comms, but never actually see him.) The reason they picked this beam-down spot is that they picked up some kind of energy signature and want to check it out. Curiosity killed the Starfleet officers, I guess. They only pick up one life-form here on the surface, and Kirk wonders where everyone went. He posits that it could be any number of reasons, including mass suicide.
YES. That is a good guess, Kirk. Go with that and warp away from there. Then nobody has to use the Dramatic Music button.
Spock mentions that this civilization is pre-warp, so they didn't just leave. Nobody seems to think about how a star going nova could affect its own planets, and that maybe the place became uninhabitable in the intervening time. Anyway, upon looking around, they notice that they seem to have beamed down into a library or archive of some kind. A dude approaches and offers them help. He calls himself Mr Atoz. Get it? Mr A to Z. He runs a library. Yes, Star Trek, you're very clever.

He asks if he can help them.

"Where are the people?' asks Bones.

"I can't tell you where individuals are," Atoz replies. "That's confidential."

"No, people in general," Bones corrects.

Atoz says he understands that they are having trouble selecting a place, and that our boys are a bit late, but he has a "better late than never" attitude, and invites the trio to browse through the library. They turn a corner without Atoz, and run into... Atoz. He asks if he can help them as though he's never seen them, and says they can select from thousands of tapes.

"You have recent history?" asks Kirk, trying to figure this shit out.

"Naw, nobody was interested, sorry. But you can ask at the reference desk," Atoz replies, pointing.

So they go into another room, where they encounter... Atoz.

"You're very late!" he scolds, like some Lewis Carroll character.

"The fuck?" demands Kirk. "How many are there of you?"

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

So after some long, round-about conversation, Atoz says that he sent everyone on the planet to safety, and when the time comes, he will join his own family, who are also safe. They have been aware of the sun going nova and sent everyone to safety in time. In order to accomplish this, he made replicas of himself. One replica smiles at them from the drawers. Atoz the First (Bones scans him to be sure he's not a replica) tells them that he can set them up, and leads him to the drawers. Apparently, they pick out a disk from the drawers, put them in players, and see what they chose. They can select any time or any place. Atoz leads Kirk back to the reference desk and tells him to check out the disks he has there. Kirk places a disk in the player and sees a little scene of a town with some horses. He seems pretty impressed.

Actually, I'm kind of impressed, too. That's an awesome little bit of cut and paste filmography.

Bones puts a disk in a reader, and it shows him scenes of a frozen tundra. Spock wanders over to Atoz, who is working at another machine. Are you paying attention, friends? Because that machine is the Beta 5 computer that Gary Seven uses in "Assignment: Earth". Good on ya, Budget. Re-using that probably allowed them the money to make that little special effect with the disks.

"I'm still confused," says Spock. "What am I choosing again?"

"A time and place," repeats Atoz. "Then I use this machine, the Atavachron, to prepare you."

This is getting a bit taxing. Rather than just straight-up telling Atoz that they're aliens from another world, and are wondering where the population has disappeared to, they just keep playing along, as though they're actually members of this species who are late in reporting to the library. And so instead of giving them the info they want, he just keeps repeating that they need to pick out disks, and that they're very late. Speaking of which, they have a little over three hours until the sun goes nova, so they better quit dicking around and just ask outright.

Spock thanks Atoz for the non-info, and goes back to stand with Bones.

Kirk hears a woman scream while he is watching his disk. He looks up like a cat looking up at the sound of a can opener. He yells to Spock and Bones. When he hears the scream again, he turns and runs through the nearest archway, presumably to go outside and find her. Instead, lights flash in the archway, and he disappears as Atoz yells, "Wait, I haven't prepared you!"

Kirk appears on the other side of a brick wall, and finds out that the screaming lady is some chick who is being hassled by some drunken musketeers, or something.

Pretty sure they raided the studio's costume department for these.

Without stopping to think - and they really should have stopped to think - Spock and Bones run through the archway as well, with Atoz yelling at them that they "have to be prepared first!" The lights flash again, and they disappear.

Only they don't end up where Kirk is. They end up in the land of Spray-Painted Papier-Mache Soundstage.

It's actually not the worst thing I've seen on this show.

Wherever Kirk is, he decides to come to the lady's rescue, so he beats down the first drunk dude, and is then challenged to a sword fight by another. He's not as good as Sulu is, though. No one is as good at drunken sword-fighting as Sulu. Somehow he beats the guy with the sword, and then he fucking spanks these two guys with the rapier as they run away. The other drunkards laugh. The chick Kirk saved turns out to also be drunk as hell, and she talks like the pirates on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. She thanks Kirk for getting rid of those guys for her. Apparently, she was attempting to steal from them, and they caught her and figured they'd mess with her in turn. Kirk has now noticed that there's no opening back into the library.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Back in the papier-mache tundra, Spock and bones have determined that their phasers do not work, so they can't use them to heat rocks to stay warm. They start yelling for Kirk, who it turns out, can hear them when he's standing right next to the wall that he came through. Spock yells that he figured out that the people on this planet escaped from the sun going nova by opening up windows to the past and going to live there instead. This way, they could live out their lives without ending them in a fiery ball of death. That... that's kind of clever. Unfortunately, when Spock and Bones tried to follow Kirk, they ended up someplace different. Bones went to their ice age, and because Spock stepped through at the same time, he did as well. The chick is completely freaked out because she can hear Spock and Bones talking to Kirk.

This doesn't bode very well for Kirk, because those drunk musketeers come back with the cops, who then arrest Kirk on suspicion of being a witch. They arrest her because she's a purse-cutting hussy.

Spock and Bones look for shelter from the ice storm. Bones collapses in the snow, yelling for Spock to just leave him and go, to save himself. Spock yells back that they both go, or neither does. It's the sort of Spockoy moment of a caliber that I haven't seen since their tender moment in jail during "Bread and Circuses". Spock holds Bones and tells him that he will carry him to shelter, because Bones is starting to suffer from frostbite.

It's here that they encounter what is clearly a Jawa that has mated with a Wookie. It just kind of looks at them like, "Just kiss already!" then it turns and walks away. They follow it. Maybe it is going back to its lair. Maybe it will eat them. Who knows?

It does go to its lair, but then it helpfully points out a kind of bed and some animal furs. Spock lays Bones down, covering him with the furs, and then he scans Bones with the tricorder... which magically works, despite the fact that the phasers don't.

The thing takes off its hood, and shocker! It's a gorgeous girl with dimples. She is friendly, and asks if Spock and Bones are prisoners, too. When he says no and asks why, she replies that this is where Zorcon likes to exile prisoners. He says they arrived by accident and admits that they are aliens. She's stoked. Suddenly, she loses her shit.

"Oh, no! I'm imagining this! I'm going insane!"

Spock convinces her that he is real, and she buys it immediately, apologizing because she has been alone so long that she thought she might have made them up.

Kirk is asleep in a jail cell. The hussy is in the cell across the way. A dude in fathered hat unlocks the door to Kirk's cell and wakes him up to talk to some official. Kirk tells this new dude that he is not the hussy's accomplice, that he heard her screaming, and came to her aid when he thought she was being attacked.

The official is on Kirk's side, nodding thoughtfully, until Kirk mentions the library. Then we get this comical zoom-in on the ridiculous face that the official makes at the mention of the library.

"Um..." says the official. "I think you're innocent."

The hussy starts screeching that Kirk is a witch. In fact, the way she does it reminds me so much of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, that I ask myself why I'm watching this so-so episode when I could be watching movie instead. In fact, she makes an accusation against Kirk putting a spell on her, and I half-expected her to lamely finish with, "I got better." Here's a thought: let's toss Kirk in a lake and see if he floats.

The jailer agrees with the hussy, because he also heard Kirk talking to a spirit called Bones. Kirk tries to explain to the official that he was talking to his friends in the library, and the official hurriedly tells Kirk that he's going to get an expert in witchcraft to come down and talk to Kirk, and he and the jailer rush out. The hussy hisses that they're going to burn Kirk.

Back in the cave, Bones has woken up. The girl tells him that her name is Zarabeth. Spock says they are still in the tundra, but safe, only he isn't certain how they're going to get back, or find Kirk.Bones goes back to sleep. Spock goes into another room in the cave, and Zarabeth follows. She says Spock's name to get him turn around, and when he does, she makes rather a show of disrobing, revealing what appears to be a rip-off of Raquel Welch's costume from One Million Years BC. Surprisingly for Star Trek, Zarabeth's costume actually covers more than Raquel's did. Either way, it's clearly supposed to be a "Dayum, girl!" moment. Spock, being Spock, gives no fucks.

She asks about Kirk, because Bones mentioned him, and Spock says that Kirk got stuck in another time period. He begins trying to logic himself out of this situation. His main goal in staying in the cave was to ensure that Bones would live, and now Bones will be fine. But if he leaves now to find Kirk and the library, he will possibly trap Bones in the tundra. But if he doesn't go, there may not be anyone to free Kirk. He actually gets pissed off when he can't find the solution. 

Out of curiosity, he asks why she was exiled. She replies that she picked bad friends. Yeah, I've done that, and you don't see me sitting in the Slushy version of Elba. I guess these friends tried to kill Zorcon, so Zorcon killed her friends, and scattered her family to the four winds using the Atavachron. Spock says he remembers the name Zorcon from the data tapes in the library. Zorcon was a tyrant, and apparently, a dick who exiles people. After this quick lesson in Zarabeth's personal history, Spock announces that he has a plan: they will carry Bones back to the portal site, and carry him into the library. Scotty will beam up both her and Bones while he goes looking for Kirk. That's when Zarabeth drops the bomb on him that the "prepared" that Atoz was yelling about meant that the Atavachron changed their systems so that they could live in the new time. But it meant never being able to go back without dying.

Bones gets up and demands to know why Spock has not gone to look for Kirk. Spock breaks the news to him that everyone is now trapped in those time periods, and they cannot go back through the portal, because they've been physiologically altered, and they'll die if they attempt it.

Kirk's Log 5943.9: "Just in case you forgot about me while you were busy scoping the fine honey in the animal skin skirt that they're pushing on Spock, I'm stuck in jail staring at this Monty Python bitch, and I'm about to be tried as a witch."

The jailer comes back and lets the hussy out. Then a dude comes by with a bucket of slop. He asks for Kirk's cup, and Kirk fumbles it awkwardly. It's a ruse, of course, and he manages to get the guy twisted around and sort of head-locked. They he grabs the dude's keys, unlocks the door and drags him in, chopping the back of his neck and pulling him into the shadows. Poor slop guy. Kirk will probably pretend to teach him about love, then abandon him when he gets free. He closes the door, and when the official comes down to see him, they argue through the door. Kirk tries to convince the official to let him go, as the official came from the future as well, and knows that Kirk is innocent. He actually drags the official into the cell as well, where he can see that Kirk already got the slop guy.

"Don't hurt me!" he cries. "I promise I'll plead your innocence to the inquisition, but you can't talk to your friends ever again."

"Yew got a perty mouf."

"You have to get me back to the library," Kirk demands.

The official tells Kirk the same thing that Zarabeth told Spock: they can't leave, or they'll die. The Atavachron prepared them to live in the past, so they can't live in the future anymore.

"Hey, I was never prepared!" says Kirk. "I just leapt before I looked, like usual."

"Oh," says the official. "Well, in that case, you're fucked. You have to be prepared, or you can only live a few hours in the past."

And suddenly, he's in a huge hurry to get Kirk back to the portal.

Back in the cave, Bones is awake and drinking and insulting Spock. So... normal. He notices that Zarabeth is sweet on Spock, and Spock doesn't care either way, so he hits on her. She leaves, and Bones muses about Kirk. Spock says that hopefully Kirk is fine where he is trapped. Because it is somehow in Bones' job description to bitch at Spock whenever Kirk is missing, he does so now, and demands to know (again) why Spock didn't go looking for Kirk.

"What part of "we can't get back" don't you understand?" asks Spock.

"You like it here!" Bones lashes out. "You want to stay, which is why you're not trying harder!" He calls Spock a "pointy-eared Vulcan," which is about the most redundant insult ever.

Spock loses his shit, grabbing Bones by the collar and yanking him to his feet. "Bitch, what did you just call me?"

And Bones suddenly remembers that Vulcans possess far more strength than humans. Oops.

Spock drops Bones and walks away, but Bones is weirded out that Spock is being so emotive. he's clearly getting an idea as to why the Vulcan is acting differently, though.

Back in Witch-Hunt Time, the official takes Kirk back to the portal area, and Kirk feels the wall until he reaches a place where his hand disappears.

"Awesome," says the official. "Have a nice life." And he runs the hell away.

Kirk goes back through the portal and yells for his friends. Not finding anyone in the library, he calls Scotty.

"Um, yeah, you got seventeen minutes to get your asses back here before the sun blows up," says Scotty.

"Spock and Bones are missing," relays Kirk.

He closes the comm and calls for Atoz.

Atoz comes out, and he says he's glad Kirk is back, that he can process him, and send him along to the witch hunt again.

"Fuck that shit," says Kirk. They wrestle, and he locks Atoz in a closet.

Another Atoz approaches, but Kirk chops his neck, and the guy passes out.

"You replicated asshole!" Kirk yells at the third guy.

"I'm the real dude," says Atoz. "What the hell is your problem?" 

He zaps Kirk with some weapon, and the captain passes out.

Spock and Zarabeth talk about how she can't leave, and how she's acclimatized to this time, and she offers him some food. He pauses when he realizes that she only has "animal flesh" to offer him. Spock is a vegetarian? Was that information given before, because I don't remember him eating anything but those weird little colored cubes they serve on the Enterprise? Anyway, she says that the cave is heated by hot springs, and he says that after a while, he can set up a greenhouse to grow veggies and stuff. Sorry, how's that? You got a multitude of seeds in your pocket? She says that Zorcon set her up in this time with the things that she would need to survive, but only just. Spock remarks that it is cruel to exile a beautiful woman to the ice age with no companionship. Then he pauses and apologizes for his emotional outburst, saying that the cold must be affecting him.

"I have eaten animal flesh and I have enjoyed it! What is wrong with me?"

Of course they make out. I mean, my God, we haven't had an emotionless guy falls for beautiful woman story in over three episodes! He carries her over to the bed and waxes poetic about how beautiful she is, and he smiles.

Back in the library, Atoz has gotten a passed-out Kirk onto some kind of cart, which he tries to push through the archway. Kirk rolls off in time to see the cart go through and disappear. A few quick questions here: did Atoz remember to hit Kirk with Atavachron machine to change him physically to fit into the past? Or was he just sending him blindly back, knowing he would die within a few hours? Kirk had admitted to the replicated Atoz that he and the others were aliens - did the replicated Atoz tell the original, and did the original want to then get rid of him? Would that not possibly destroy part of his planet's history, to send an unknown alien back into their time? And what of that stupid cart? The damn thing just went sailing off into Witch-Hunt Time. It was probably more modern than anything than anything they had at that time - could this not have wreaked (at least some) havoc on the development of his culture, thereby changing part of the future? Am I asking too many questions? Should I just shrug it off and go along with the story?
So Kirk rolls off the cart, it disappears, and Atoz tries to bodily push him through the archway. But remember, no one is allowed to win against Kirk, so he gets Atoz tin that same headlock that he put on the slop guy. Scotty comms in, and because Kirk is an efficient multitasker, he takes the call while beating on an old man. he tells Scotty to stand by on that beaming action, but to get ready to warp out when the star goes. Yeah, pretty sure you don't get time to leave when a star blows up. I think you should leave now to save the ship. Actually, it would have been wisest to leave your asses on the planet an hour ago.
Kirk tells Atoz that his friends are in a frozen wasteland, and a struggling Atoz agrees to help him look for the disc.

Bones finds Spock and Zarabeth canoodling, and starts yelling about how Spock lied to him, by not probing Zarabeth for more information. He has also figured out that he and Spock can go back because they were not zapped by the Atavachron or whatever, but that Zarabeth cannot go with them. he's angry because Zarabeth wants to keep Spock with her, and would sacrifice the E and its crew to get him. He grabs Zarabeth's face, and Spock in turn, grabs him and slams him against the wall.

"Ha!" says Bones. "You're being emotive! You've devolved into what your ancestors were like because we've traveled 5,000 years into the past on some other planet! That totally explains why you're acting this way, even though that makes no sense whatsoever!"
"Oh, crap, you're right," says Spock, letting him go. "That doesn't make sense, even though it works for the story!"
Zarabeth isn't sure if the boys can go back, just that she knows she can't.
They go back out to the portal.

Kirk and Atoz try some disks in the reader, with Kirk going to the portal to yell into the arch. They find the right one, and the boys must step through the rock face. Spock says goodbye to Zarabeth, and I'm sure they were trying to make her into another Edith Keeler, but I'm just not buying it. Step through the fucking portal already.

Spock asks how much time they have, and Bones relays it to Kirk, who asks Scotty.

"Fucking none!" yells Scotty. "What the hell is your problem?"

Our boys in blue step through the portal. Atoz yanks the tundra disk from the reader, inserts another disk, and pushes the boys out of the way to leap through the portal at the last minute.

"That's where his family was waiting," Kirk tells them.

"Quit staring at me, I'm fine now," Spock tells Bones.
"Yeah, but it happened," says Bones.
"Dude, that was five thousand years ago," Spock replies.
Kirk calls for their ride, and we see the E warp away as the star explodes.

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 6
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 0
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 7
Total crew deaths thus far: 49

So an entire planet full of people sort of died? Or maybe didn't? Schrodinger's Planet? I dunno. It's a fuzzy grey area.

This is one of those episodes that  would file under "good premise, so-so execution." Also, "story got buried under Spock romance." First, the premise: escaping your planet's demise by going back to live in your planet's past is actually really interesting. According to IMDB, there were two Star Trek books based on this idea, and they might actually be good reads. The problem with this episode is that it's kind of boring. Kirk is accused of being a witch for talking to his friends through technology. That could get interesting, but it didn't. He talked another guy from the future into helping him get back to the portal. Lame. Spock and Bones get stuck in a frozen wasteland, and the writers fell back on the old reliable "there's something wrong with Spock because he's being emotional." It's become cliche at this point. And I can't tell you how sick I am of the "Spock romance" troupe. In the end, it was kind of anti-climactic. The boys beam up just in time, and the E gets away as the star explodes. Really, the thing that I might be saddest about is the complete loss of a culture. Or I would be if it wasn't another "let's go back in Earth's time" episode like the gangster planet or the Nazi planet. Really? There are planets in other systems that had development and culture just exactly like ours? You don't say!

*******

So this little kid I watch was like, "I really want some Starschmucks. If you fly, I'll buy." (I say little, but this kid already has two inches on me. Make no mistake: I'm a short little sucker.) So I let a pre-teen buy me a Starschmucks tea. I don't recall if I reviewed the Peach Green Tea Lemonade last summer, but I had one today, and it was pretty good. It's not terribly heavy on the lemonade, but it was really sweet, which could be a combo of the lemonade and the peach syrup? Dunno. It was good. Check it out if you like your tea really sweet.

Also, they better bring back that Blackberry Mojito. Just sayin.'

Momo would like to thank you for these lovely flowers.

Mea Culpa

I'd like to apologize for the blog posts going up late in the last few weeks. Roomie and Rumor have started planning for their wedding, and being that I am the live-in Maid of Honor, I'm being dragged every weekend to some thing or another, most notably numerous dress "auditions," a venue viewing, and an inexplicable registry appointment, where I argued with the wedding coordinator that there is no need for them to register for a 12-piece dining set of anything, because we/they don't do fancy dinner parties. ( I did acquiesce to 12 margarita glasses, though. We are definitely blended drink people.)

I'm losing my mind. Send help.

Season 3, Episode 77 "The Savage Curtain"

"The Savage Curtain"
Production Order: 77
Air Order: 77
Stardate: 5906.4
Original Air Date: March 7, 1969

Happy Star Wars Day!

I'd like to take this opportunity to use the fandom to discuss

an issue floating around the geek world.

Namely:

The lack of Black Widow in Avengers merch has all of geekdom demanding "WTF?"

Let's use our old friend Leia to poke holes in the arguments as to why no one wants Black Widow merch:

"Boys won't wear t-shirts with girl characters on them, even if they're in a group."

Gee, that sure looks like Leia on the bottom right next to Han. On a men's t-shirt.

"No one buys action figures of girls."

Which is why there are 36 different action figures of Leia.

Clearly, no fan wants Leia merchandise:

http://www.people.com/article/disney-adds-leia-toys

Dear Merchandisers,

Maybe you should try asking the fans what merchandise they want, rather than telling them what they want. Or, you know, maybe you should go on Etsy or TeeFury sometime. Fans know what they want. They problem is, you don't.

*******

We open this week on the bridge, with Sulu and Chekov at the helm. Kirk is looking pensive in his chair. He glances over at Spock, who is bent over the equipment at his station, and I swear to God it looks as though the captain is scoping the ass of the first officer.

There's some mystery afoot, as they're orbiting a planet whose surface is molten lava, yet they're reading scans that say there's not only carbon-based life, but also artificial power. Bones storms in and says it's impossible for this planet to sustain life, and that Starfleet should ignore the "space legends" that surround this planet having life.

Uhura tells Kirk that she's been hailing the planet and getting no response. He replies to send Starfleet their scans and data gathered, but fuck it, there's nothing here, and they're leaving.

Oops. Remember the dummy light that's affixed to the helm and will blink when there's something wrong with the ship? It begins blinking. 

"Being scanned," announces Sulu.

The planet disappears from the viewscreen, to be replaced with some glowing shape that's coming toward them.

It's... it's...

Oh, fuck you, Star Trek.

It's Abraham Lincoln, seated in the same pose as he is in the Lincoln Memorial. And floating at them in space. You know, this show boasts some great episodes, and some great moments. It also offers plenty of reasons why it got canceled after three seasons. This moment is part of that latter list.

Lincoln addresses Kirk by name and says he is pleased to meet him, and there is no need to check their scanners, because he is most definitely Abraham Lincoln. The crew gives him their best WTF faces.

Kirk asks Spock for his best guess.

"They scanned us, and got this image from our minds to make this illusion," Spock replies.

Fake-ass Lincoln seems insulted. "I'm not an illusion!"

Nope, you're right. Guys who have been dead for centuries routinely float around in space without suffocating or freezing. They also know the names and biographies of the crew of passing spaceships.

"Can I come onboard?" asks Lincoln. "You can use your technology to check me out."

Oh, yeah, totally. That's not suspicious at all.

"We'd be honored, Mr President," gushes Kirk.

"Cool," says Lincoln. "You'll be over my position in twelve or so minutes."

He disappears, and the planet reappears, and then a space of about a thousand square kilometers manifests on the surface of the planet. It's got an Earth-like atmosphere and is basically a class-M island in a sea of molten lava.

Kirk calls for a contingent of Reds to the transporter room, then announces that he wants them, Spock and Bones to all wear full dress uniforms.

"Do you really believe he's Lincoln?" demands Bones.

"He does," shrugs Kirk.

Sooo, you didn't wear dress uniforms for Elaan of Troyius, who was pretty much confirmed royalty, but you'll jump to wear that shit for a Lincoln cosplayer?

Down in the transporter room, Scotty is standing around in his kilt bitching about having to wear these uniforms for some weirdo who thinks he's a dead president. I find it interesting that Scotty is the only one whose dress uniform is indicative of the land where he originated. Nobody else's uniform is different. One time Spock wore an IDIC pin, but he simply pinned it to the front of his dress jacket with his insignia.

Anyway, Kirk and Spock hustle in after Bones, and he barks that this person, whoever he is, is more powerful than they are, and if he wants to play Dead Presidents, then they'll play along.

Chekov calls to say that Lincoln is ready to beam up, and Spock checks the equipment. Lincoln is morphing from some kind of rock-thing with claws into human. When he finally registers as full human, Scotty beams him up. The Reds have set their phasers for heavy stun just in case, and Spock has started up some honor band music.

 This screencapture sort of says it all: Kirk looks awed. Spock looks mildly interested. And everyone in a Red uniform is clearly questioning the life choices that brought him to this moment.
Fake Lincoln steps off the pad, and inquires why he hears music but sees no musicians.
"It's taped," says Kirk. "Can't carry a full band with us." Then he explains beaming technology and introduces Spock, Scotty and the security chief, Dickerson.
Lincoln says that he would like to talk to each of them, but has to chat with Kirk first. They exit with the Reds, who have been dismissed.
"The scan I took said that guy was human," Bones tells Scotty. "What did you equipment say?"
"Spock says he's living rock," Scotty answers.
They both look nonplussed.

Kirk's Log 5906.4: "Dunno if this dude is Lincoln or not. Totes an alien, but acts like the real thing."

Kirk and Spock have taken Lincoln to the bridge. Uhura steps down to give Kirk a message from Scotty, and Lincoln calls her "a charming Negress." He then quickly apologizes, saying that, "in my time, that word is often used to refer to someone who is considered property."
Are you paying attention? This is the one redeeming part of this episode.
"Why should I take offense?" asks Uhura. "In our time, we have learned not to be bothered by words, and to be proud of who we are and where we come from." In other words, Uhura owns being a strong black woman, as she should.
*low whistle* I feel like we're moving toward that notion, but it's really, really slow-going. I'd like to skip forward to the time when we just are. Is that possible? Will I have to sling-shot around the moon to get there?
Anyway, Kirk points out that the Vulcans reached that notion far before the humans did, and Lincoln spouts off some Vulcan philosophy. Then he's puzzled, as he doesn't know why he knew that. He's also not sure why he knows that Spock will meet the foremost Vulcan philosopher in the galaxy, once he goes down to the surface.

Uhura finally gets around to telling Kirk why she's there, which is to relay the message that Scotty has been waiting for him in the briefing room for two hours.

"Oops," says Kirk.

He leaves the rest of the tour up to Uhura, and scampers off to meet with Scotty.

One: Lincoln has really been onboard for two hours already?

Two: why didn't Scotty call Kirk himself? They have communicators and a PA.

So Kirk and Spock make their way to the briefing room, where an annoyed Scotty is waiting with Bones. 

"Why are treating this dude like he's actually Lincoln?" Bones demands, getting right to the point. "And why aren't you sciencing?" he asks Spock.

"I am," replies Spock. "Sciencing involves observation. I am observing the alien."

"Are we agreed that he's an alien?" Bones asks.

"Well, yeah," says Kirk. "There's no way he's actually Lincoln. But he's a dead-ringer anyway. And why'd he pick Lincoln to begin with?"

"Because Lincoln is your hero," Spock answers. "They scanned us. They found Lincoln, and are using him to talk to you."

Good Lord, here we go again with Kirk and his heroes. Nothing good ever comes from this guy saying he admires someone.

"So anyway, Spock and I have been invited to go to the surface," says Kirk.

"That's dumb," says Bones. "We watched a patch of class-M land and atmosphere appear on the screen. It's probably molten lava. You should not go."

"Meh, we're supposed to be explorers. I'm going," says Kirk. "Spock should stay."

"Aw, hell naw!" says Spock. "I got an invitation, too!"

"You're both nuts!" yells Bones.

"And you're flirting with insubordination!" Kirk yells back.

You know, sometimes I wonder if the people writing these episodes are actually bothering to watch the show first. Sure, they get many things right, but then there's stuff like this. Insubordination? Bones yells at Spock and Kirk - his higher-ups - in practically every episode. Is the writer not paying attention, or did Kirk just get so furious with him at the drop of a hat that he needs to yell back that Bones is being insubordinate? If so, Kirk is being kind of irrationally angry over this. Bones just warned him against beaming down to an unknown planet with an unknown alien who is trying to convince them that he's Abraham Lincoln. Kirk even paused a moment ago to consider his words because they make sense.

Anyway, Kirk and Spock are gonna go.

Kirk and Spock, now in regular uniforms, beam down with Lincoln, much to the chagrin of Bones and Scotty. When they are gone, the doctor and engineer are horrified to find that the phasers and tricorders did not beam down with them, but were left behind on the transporter pads.

Downstairs, Kirk and Spock have re-materialized with Lincoln, and Spock has noticed that all their stuff is gone. They have comms, but those are not working. 

Upstairs, Scotty tries to raise them, to no avail. Power begins going out all over the ship. He and Bones run back up to the bridge, where Scotty takes command from Sulu, but no one there knows what's going on with the power, and no one in engineering does, either. The ship has been disabled.

Back down on the surface, Lincoln is again trying to convince them that he's the real deal, even though he kind of knows that them not having their stuff is as it should be. So he knows about technology, and doesn't. He knows about the situation, and doesn't. Abraham Lincoln, are you actually an android?

Oh, here comes a new dude. It's Surak, father of the modern Vulcan. The guy who decided that they should all repress their emotions. I'd like to repress my emotions for the God-awful tunic that he's wearing, but alas, I cannot. He greets Spock like Lincoln greeted Kirk: by name, with a full understanding of the person is meeting for the first time, and with the Vulcan hand gesture.

"It's not logical that you're Surak," reasons Spock.

"Bitch, is it logical to leave me hanging, or is it rude?" Surak asks.

"Truth," says Spock, and he returns the Vulcan greeting. He then apologizes that he was emotive when he saw Surak.

"It's cool," says Surak. "You were surprised. Also, it's pretty awesome that you have Terran friends. We didn't have Terran friends in my time."

They're interrupted a moment later when a nearby rock morphs into some... I dunno, like a Rock-Biter, only human-sized. It's got five glowy eyes and what kind of amounts to arms, legs, a head and a torso. It's sort of amorphous, but also kind of humanoid. I'm gonna give some props here to Star Trek for attempting another non-humanoid life form. Those are more difficult, and don't appear as often, so I'm always kind of excited when they do come up.

What it's most important to know about Yarnek the Rock Guy is that he's a complete dick. He seems to think that Kirk and Spock should be honored that he's essentially kidnapped them, and then he introduces some "friends:" Ghengis Khan; Colonel Green, who started some shit in the twenty-first century that lead to WWIII; Zora, a woman from Tiburon who fucked around with genetics; and Kahless. Rock Guy says these people are evil, and I'm taken aback. Really? That is so not how Kahless is portrayed on TNG and beyond. Also, Kahless is supposed to be from waaaay the hell back in the day - why is wearing a modern uniform? This is my problem with watching everything back-asswards, you guys. Nothing makes any sense.

I've got nothing to say about Ghenghis Khan. Nobody is questioning Khan's bad qualities, and frankly, neither he nor Zora have any lines, so I can't judge that at all. But Zora comes from the same planet as Dr Sevrin from "The Way to Eden". Both seem to be super-smart, and slightly off their rockers, so I have to wonder if that's kind of just a trait of their people.

Colonel Green will soon prove to be a total douchewaffle, but for now, let's just enjoy his uniform/onesie jammies...

...which will later be re-purposed into the flight suit for Mork from Ork.

Nanoo-nanoo, motherfuckers.

Yarnek spells it out: his people are unfamiliar with the concepts of good and evil, so he's gathered up these evil people from history, and intends to pit them against Kirk, Spock, and their own historical friends, Lincoln and Surak. They'll battle it out to the death using only things they can find, and whichever group is the winner, the Rock People will declare it to be superior. Kirk and Spock only get to leave if they survive. Just to make it extra fun, they're going to broadcast the fight on the viewscreen of the Enterprise bridge. He might even make them popcorn. (Actually, I get the feeling that if the bridge crew were offered popcorn to eat while watching this crap, only Chekov and Sulu would take him up on it. Not sure why, I just feel like they would snack through a massacre.) In fact, due to the power outage, he's lowered the lights like a movie theater. Nice.

On the bridge, Bones is going into manic mode, just like he always does when Kirk is in some kind of trouble (and ostensibly landed himself there). He asks Scotty if they can beam phasers down, and when Scotty replies they cannot do anything but watch, Bones turns to Chekov at science.

"But they're figments of imagination!"

"Naw, y'all. They're life-forms," shrugs Chekov. "Dunno what kind, but they do exist." 

Back downstairs, Kirk declares that he and Spock are opting out.

"Yeah, right," says Yarnek, and he morphs back into solid rock again. 

Colonel Green steps forward to talk to Kirk. "Hey, so, none of us want to fight. We should all work together to get the hell out of here."

Kirk remarks that Green seems different than historical accounts make him out to be, and Green laughs it off, because historical accounts never seem to get things exactly right.

"Um, I recall history saying that you tended to strike down your enemies in the midst of negotiation," Kirk muses.

"Naw, that's not me," says Green.

But his comrades have been sneaking in the rocks behind Kirk and the others, and in the next instant, a fight breaks out. Because no one else in the known universe can fight, history's greatest villains are quickly defeated, and retreat.

Yarnek comes back and gives Kirk some bullshit about how Kirk 'n them are his teachers, showing the Rock People how good and evil function. He gives Kirk the ability to call the E.

There's some straight-up time-wasting crap where Kirk comms the Enterprise, and Uhura is trying to patch him through, but Scotty is busy talking to someone in engineering, and it takes a moment for him to finish his conversation so he can talk to Kirk. He relays that something is wrong with the matter/anti-matter containment units, and that if they don't get them fixed in the next four hours, that the ship will blow up. The others on the bridge turn and look at him in surprise. He hadn't shared that with them yet.

The comms stop working.

"Okay, so I noticed that you probably needed a cause to fight for, so I gave you one," says Yarnek. "Instead of just fighting for your own lives, you now fight to save your ship and her crew. Neat, huh?"

Doooouuuche.

Scotty's Log 5906.5: "Kirk is fucked. We're fucked. T-minus two hours and counting."

Down on the surface, Kahless reports in to Green, saying that he's been spying on the others, but they aren't doing anything. Really? They've done nothing for two freaking hours? Green's team now have sharpened stick spears, but Kirk & Co are just hanging out.

Meanwhile, Kirk's group is walking through the landscape. He finds a rocky overlook and claims that it's defensible. He wants to make some simple weapons and attack, but have a place to retreat to if need be.

Spock and Surak pull Kirk aside to talk strategy. Surak says that once upon a time, Vulcan was riddled with war. They began sending advocates to their enemies, wanting to talk peace. It took a while, but eventually succeeded, and they hadn't had problems since. Kirk isn't into the idea, but Surak says that he'll go to the other group on his own to talk with them. If it works, they don't have to fight. If it fails, they can move forward with their plans. Spock tells them both that he's on their side. He will stand and fight with Kirk, but as a Vulcan, he wants to try Surak's approach first.

"Okay, go for it," says Kirk. 

Surak leaves, and Kirk directs Spock and Lincoln to fashion crude weapons from branches. I can't tell you how ridiculous I feel typing "Kirk asks Spock and Abraham Lincoln to make slingshots and spears from trees." Frankly, I blame Gene Rod. This is his obnoxious teleplay.

The others are prepping their weapons as Surak approaches. They hunker down behind a big rock while the Vulcan talks to them.

"I've come to talk peace," says Surak. "I've come on my own, but if you want peace too, then the others in my group will follow suit."

"Bullshit," says Green. "What's in it for me?"

"Living, you moron," answers Surak. "We fight, you might not live. We don't fight, everyone lives."

"Maybe," replies Green. He keeps Surak talking so that Khan and Kahless can sneak up behind Surak and capture him.

Across the landscape, Kirk, Spock and Lincoln hear Surak cry out, "Help me, Spock!"

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Whoever did Kahless' make-up read the instructions wrong.
It's spelled "klingon," not "coal miner."

When we return, it is to hear Surak yelling "help me, Spock!" a few more times. Also, Green dickishly taunting them. "Help your friend, Spock! He needs you! He's in anguish!"

"We should go!" says Kirk.

"No way," says Spock. "How long have we been friends? You seriously think, after all this time, that Vulcans would cry out in despair like that? Bitch, please."

"Oh... yeah, I guess that makes sense," Kirk agrees.

"So this is what we should do," suggests Lincoln. "You and Spock should wage a frontal assault on the others, while I slip around back and free Surak. But here's the thing: if we're going to win, then we have to match them, evil for evil." Kirk looks troubled at this. "Yeah, I'm supposed to be a gentle guy," says Lincoln, "but remember that I had to essentially sign the death warrant on a hundred-thousand men. Peace is good, but whup-ass is satisfying, too."

Ugh, who over-bronzed Lincoln? He looks like he laid in the
tanning bed for a month.

So Kirk and Spock approach the other camp, and they engage Green and his men in a rock- and stick-throwing battle. Lincoln sneaks around the back of the camp and spots Surak sitting on the ground, tied to a tree in a tiny enclosure made of branches and leaves. Lincoln unties Surak from behind, but the Vulcan falls over dead. oops. It was a big-time ruse, as Lincoln turns to see Green and Kahless standing behind him. I guess Kahless is skilled at mimicry or some crap, because he calls out "help me, Spock!" in what I guess is supposed to be Surak's voice. I have no idea if it's even close or not. Surak didn't have a particularly memorable voice, and he didn't have enough screen time for me to have taken notice. Now Kahless is imitating Lincoln's voice calling for help from Kirk. It's lower, and slower, than his Surak voice, but I really can't tell how good a match it is. Really, his best bet would be to call Kirk "Jaaaaymes" as Lincoln has been doing all episode. Looks like it isn't necessary, though. Lincoln walks out of the camp, hands behind his back, and tells them to stay away. Then he keels over dead, a spear protruding from his back. The stick and rock fight continues. Yarnek appears to be enjoying himself. Or I guess he is. It's hard to tell because he doesn't have a frickin' face.

Zora runs away. Kirk wrestles with Kahless. Kahless gets taken down, and he runs away. Spock is taking on Khan, but at one point, Khan steps back, and Kirk decides to just take over that fight, too. Geez Kirk, you can't even let Spock finish his own fight? The guy is stronger than you, and wasn't doing too badly. But because Kirk is the be all-end all, he gets a few punches in, and suddenly Khan is terrified and runs away as well. So Kirk single-handedly ran three super-villains off. Now he has to take down Green, which of course he does with ease. We don't see him finish off Green, because Green falls between some rocks. But Kirk pretty much declares himself the winner, anyway.

"Okay, so, you win," says Yarnek. "Everybody else ran off. Really, you wasted like, three and half hours doing diddly-squat, then you threw a few punches and everybody turned tail. You could have saved yourself and your crew all that time. What's more, I didn't see a real difference between the good and evil methods. You guys used the same tactics, and you won. Does that make you good or evil?"

"You established the parameters, you a-hole!" Kirk yells.

"So what?" says Yarnek. "You can go."

Kirk is all indignant that Yarnek would steal people from space and pit them against each other so they can learn about stuff, but Yarnek is already melting back into his rock shape. Yarnek has zero fucks to give. His experiment ran its course, but no conclusions were reached, saved for "Both sides used the same tactics, and was victorious because the others ran away."

"Ugh, fuck that guy," says Kirk. He flips open his comm. "Sulu, beam us the hell out of here."

Back on the bridge, everyone is reporting that everything is now fine with the ship. The Earth-like spot on the planet's surface is returning back to the molten-lava normal.

"What do you think happened?" Kirk asks Spock.

And Spock gives the explanation that everyone guessed, because they really don't need to sum up after they've already given little bits of that explanation already: that Yarnek's people scanned their minds, found Lincoln and Surak, and fashioned them out of living rock people. So basically, Yarnek said, "Today you're going to play the part of an alien leader from the past. He's been dead a long time, but here's your character worksheet." And all of the rock people rolled ones for strength and fighting skills.

"Seemed real," says Kirk. "Like dude was the really-real Lincoln."

"Meh," says Spock. "They pulled Lincoln and Surak from our minds. Of course they seemed real. They were those people as we perceived them."

And so Kirk climbs into his big ol' chair, and gives Sulu the order to get the hell out of Dodge, and they do.

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 0
Red deaths this season: 6
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 0
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 1
Total crew deaths this season: 7
Total crew deaths thus far: 49

A bunch of self-aware illusions died, I guess.

This episode is shockingly similar to "Arena", the season one episode that features Kirk fighting the now-iconic Gorn for the amusement of the Metrons, a higher life form. In both episodes, Kirk is fighting against other aliens while a third alien watches, and while they are on a planet where they are only allowed to use their surroundings as weapons. Each of the "higher life form" aliens are smarmy douchebags, telling Kirk & Co that they are inferior beings, and they want to know a bit more, so are challenging them. In both cases, the fights are broadcast on the bridge of the E so that the crew can potentially watch Kirk die. Then, the alien declares that humans are inferior but show promise or some shit, and all is well with the universe. The difference is, "Arena" was pretty good, and this was just... kind of awful. "What stuff should I include in this episode? How about Kahless and Abraham Lincoln in a fight? Sounds great!"

*******

So I haven't finished my Adagio fandom sampler yet, mostly because it requires getting out the stool and hauling my short ass up to the highest shelf, where my tall-ass roommates think it's fun to stash my tea strainers. tl;dr: I was too lazy to get the strainers down and fill them with loose-leaf, so I reviewed a bunch of bottled tea in the meantime. 

I forgot to do that this week, and found myself needing to review a tea. I had already covered the millions of other blends we had in the cupboard, so I resignedly climbed onto the counters to get my punched-tin Tardis. I selected the Nine blend, this time, but was not looking forward to it, as the base is Gunpowder green, which I'm not terribly fond of. It also lists Irish Breakfast as a base, as well as aniseed, chestnut, and cinnamon.

It's not the worst thing ever (I tried a small amount of Sweet Corn soda this weekend, which was far worse than this), but because it contains so many things that are not my favorite... well, it isn't my favorite. The aniseed is strong, but actually not overpowering, because it's blended with so many other things. Despite having a strong taste, it's fairly mellow. The after tatse was bitter, but I suspect that I once again steeped it too long, rather than it being a combo of black and smoky bases, though that probably contributed. The cinnamon was actually a nice touch, which is interesting, as I don't really care much for cinnamon, either. The whole thing feels fairly balanced. If you enjoy anise, you might give it a shot. As for me, I'll probably give the rest of the sample tin to someone who appreciates that blend more than I do.

http://www.adagio.com/signature_blend/blend.html?blend=29454

Curie claims the padded table.