Dog With A Blog: Season One, Episode One "Stan of the House"

Dog With a Blog: Season One, Episode One "Stan of the House"
Production Number: 101
Air Order: 1
Original Air Date: October 12, 2012

We start out like every sitcom ever, with an establishing shot of the house. I don't hate the lead-in music.
On off-screen voice introduces us to the characters as they enter the scene:
Some douche-bro is trying to schmooze a ditzy cheerleader on the couch, and the tired old archetypes have already made me hate this series a few seconds in. He's Tyler, and thinks highly of his looks and charm, says the voice.
Will he grow up to accost a girl at a frat party, but will get off with a slap on the wrist because he's a white boy with a pretty smile? Highly likely.

At about the 30 second mark, some little she-beast coming storming downstairs, screaming about rules, and we're made to know by her portrayal that she's a shrew. She's mad because she made a sign-up sheet to use the living room today from 3-6 pm, and Tyler and his "study buddy" are about to infringe on her assigned time to discover the joys of the teenage STI.
The Voice says this is Avery, Tyler's stepsister, and if you hadn't already guessed, she likes rules. She tells Tyler that if he doesn't vacate the living room, she will tell everyone that he wears a wig, and she yanks on his hair.
"I'm not wearing a wig!" he yelps.
"I know, but that hurt, right?" She seems overly pleased with herself.
Asshole.

Through exposition, we learn that Avery's mother has been married to Tyler's father for about a year, and the kids hate one another. More jokes about the fact that Tyler intends to coast on his looks. More jokes that Avery thinks Tyler and his cheerleader friend are both dumbasses.
She finally relents and tries to compromise by saying she wants the living room on Tuesday, which is actually fair. But he interjects that he needs that space on Tuesday, because he somehow convinced the cheerleading squad to come over to film his new production of "Homeschool the Musical."
OMG, I love that movie, with its relatable toe-tapping ditties like "Can't Wait Until I'm 18 To Sneak Out And Get Vaccinated," or "I Think Jesus Is Just Okay But Don't Tell My Parents," and who can forget the show-stopping "Why Do All Homeschooling Stereotypes Either Involve Socially-Awkward Kids Or Ones That Read At A College Level in Kindergarten?"

She hears the ocean!

He asks why she wants the room on Tuesday, and she reveals that her school's Tolerance Club is coming over to figure out how best to support the really pale kid at school who smells like pizza dough.
...seriously?
The cheerleader makes more dumb jokes. Is it because she's blonde? Can I shoot myself?
They argue about Avery posting a bathroom schedule.
The parents come in from the back patio, and the action switches to them. Mom Ellen says she knows that the dad (Bennett) wants to give it some time, but the kids have not stopped arguing since they got together, and she wants to intervene.

She's about to do it when Bennett puts a finger to her lips, and she gets in a joke that I actually like:

Bennett, don't... don't fucking do that. It's patronizing.
They go back out to the patio, and he mansplains child psychology to her, holding up a book to show her that he literally "wrote the book on child psychology."
Oh, fuck me.
No no no.

Ellen, why did you marry this asshole?
A third kid comes running out, and she's got long curly red hair, because of course she does. We're about to get another archetype: the craaaa-aazzzy redheaded kid. They always talk in exclamations and catch phrases, and people think they're funny and adorable, written that way in an effort to make the other kids look sane.
The Voice tells us that this is Chloe, Bennett's younger kid, and acknowledges that the children of child psychologists always come out a little underdone.
"She's okay," says The Voice.
"Daddy! A monster is chasing me!"
"I said okay, not great," the Voice points out.
What is this kid, six? "A monster is chasing me!" is a perfectly logical thing for a six-year-old to declare. Get off your high fucking horse, Voice.
Bennett gets down to Chloe's level, presumably to speak rationally to her, and instead roars in her face. She runs off screaming, and he makes up some bullshit about her not being afraid of monsters anymore.

Bennett then tells Ellen that he thinks that leaving Avery and Tyler alone to work out their own problem-solving is the key, and cringingly, I agree. But he does it in such a sanctimonious way that I want to disagree vehemently.
Bennett tells Ellen that he has a plan to "bring the kids together," but we're supposed to get the feeling that this plan is garbage, based on the fact that Chloe runs by screaming again.
So what is Bennett's big plan?
He got a dog. Without telling Ellen.
Nope, nope, nope. You never introduce a new animal into a home without talking to the other occupants, especially your partner.
Avery is stoked, as she's always wanted a dog, but was never allowed to have one.

Now is when we find out that The Voice is Stan the dog, a rescue from the local shelter.

Ellen reveals that she's more of a cat person, and Stan introduces her by saying he'll eat her slippers. Switching back from narration, Ellen asks Bennett why the fuck he didn't talk to her first, and he tells her that she wouldn't be so surprised if she'd read chapter nine in his book.
STFU, Bennett.
Fortunately, taking him down a peg is exactly what Ellen seems to be doing most of the time.

Stan introduces Bennett now as "a little full of himself."
A little? That's generous.
Anyway, the other half of Bennett's plan is that the kids all have to take care of the dog, or he's going back to the shelter, and now my rescuer Spidey Senses are tingling.
YOU DO NOT. ADOPT AN ANIMAL. FOR A CHILD. WITH THE STIPULATION. THAT IF THEY DON'T CARE FOR IT. YOU WILL TAKE IT BACK TO THE SHELTER.
You adopt an animal as a family, knowing that you, as the adult will probably take over more of the care and feeding of the animal as the novelty wears off.
Fuck you, Bennett.

Stop winking like you're clever. You're just an asshole.

Tyler throws a ball for Stan and yells "fetch!" Chloe runs after it on all fours. The laugh track thinks that's hilarious.

We flash forward to some time in the future (who the fuck knows when), and Stan is sitting at a computer in the living room, typing while narrating, "and that's how the kids found out I can talk."
Oops! He says out loud that he isn't at that part in his blog yet, while hitting the backspace button. That's pretty clumsy writing, considering that the show we're watching is called "Dog With a Blog." No one is leaping to their feet and exclaiming "Holy shit! I thought I was watching Hannah Montana! Now I'm very surprised to learn that this dog not only talks, but writes a blog, too! Wow!"
And just to remind us that Stan is a dog... who writes a blog... he plays with a squeaky chew toy.

The sound guy hits the laugh track for the 33rd time since this episode began. (Not shitting you. We're five minutes in.)

Laugh track! Opening Credits Break!

Ugh, the opening sequence is a bunch of family photos being bombed by Stan, who is added in with awful CGI and Photoshop.
Sliding down the banister....

Stealing barbecue...

Hitting some kind of button on the television screen...

We when we return to the show, Stan is sitting at the island in the kitchen, on a chair. Ellen comes in and yells at him for eating her sandwich, which is a pretty fucking stupid moment for her.
You live with a dog now. He will eat your shit. Figure it out.
CGI has Stan roll his eyes.
Avery comes in and catches her, and Ellen then accuses Stan of taking five bucks from her purse. Whut?
"I have thumbs!" she threatens him, just before exiting the kitchen.
What is this, King Lear?

Avery decides that Stan is her new therapist, and laments that Tyler is still having the cheerleaders over today, and she can't cancel on the Tolerance Club, because, "don't let the name fool you - they are vicious!"
PREACH, sister.
Meanwhile, she's getting out dog food in preparation to feed Stan, and his inner monologue says that he wants to just ask her for the food, but he can't, because PROBLEMS.
There's a flashback to a previous owner being hauled away by what are clearly supposed to be mental health workers, while he screams that he's not crazy, and his dog can talk and "tell them that joke you told me!" But of course the joke here is that Stan couldn't talk just now because he had a mouth full of peanut butter.

The inner monologue has Stan promising to tell the family that he can talk, just as soon as he figures out when he can trust them.
Tyler comes in, saying he's willing to compromise on who gets the living room tonight, and the compromise is that she can sit in her room with the door closed, listening to him have a fun time downstairs.
Get fucked, Tyler.
They argue some more while Avery holds the dog food bowl, and Stan reminds himself to stay quiet. But it doesn't work.
"GIMME THE FUCKING FOOD ALREADY!"

The kids are shocked. There's a terrible sight gag here where we focus in on the clock above the door, and show that a whole hour has passed where the kids just stare at the dog.
"WTH?" demands Tyler.
"It's a freak thing," says Stan. "I don't know how I talk. I just do. I always have."
He excuses himself to go bark at the delivery guy who is bringing Bennett a package, then comes back. And we get another flashback, this time where a mad scientist exposits that he will take Stan apart to find out what makes him talk, and he will somehow become rich or some shit. Stan, strapped to the table, remembers that he is a dog, and chews his way through the straps. Last minute, he tells the scientist that he's taking his poodle, because they have a thing going.

Avery and Tyler tell Stan that they would never do anything to harm him, but they can't tell their parents. Chloe comes in (remember her?), and exclaims that Stan can talk!
The others try to convince her that she's dreaming and sleepwalking, and she replies "... okay."
Stan, voice of the audience, asks, "Are you shitting me? You're buying that?"
Nope.
She runs into the living room to tell her parents that "Stan can talk!"
Ellen praises her for having a good imagination. Bennett chides her for lying.
"Now go upstairs. There's a pony waiting for you up there."
She runs upstairs, excited, and Bennett tells Ellen that if she learns to associate lying with disappointment, she won't do it anymore.
Ellen, why did you marry this guy?
Once again, she brings the burn:

Upstairs, Avery and Tyler discuss with Stan how Chloe almost blew their cover. Avery hugs Stan too hard, and he leaves to pee.
What follows is a shitty manipulation scene. Avery has told Stan that she couldn't bear to live without him, and Tyler decides that this is the best way to get the living room for his cheerleader musical crapola - he'll tell his dad that Stan can talk and Chloe isn't crazy. She calls his bluff, and says she doesn't actually give a shit about Stan, and if they get rid of him, she'll just get a new dog. Eventually, they end up confessing that they're both lying and really like Stan, but because this is "wacky sitcom hijinks," guess who hears only the shitty part? Stan, of course.
He trots downstairs and encounters Chloe at the door, yelling at her that he's out of here, because no one in this family cares about one another and they're all just assholes.
Okay yeah, I agree.
As he exits, she yells out "In cartoons, talking animals are happy!"
Y'all.
Stop telling talking animals to smile, Chloe.

Warning: bullshit tropey film noir scene coming.
Stan, now a lost dog, walks the means streets of Pasadena (lol), complaining in voice-over about how awful humanity is, and that family in particular, while lonely sax music plays in the background.

Chloe tells Avery and Tyler that Stan ran away, then runs out of the room to demonstrate Stan leaving.
*sigh* I'm not going to blame the child actor. She didn't write this shit.
Avery is immediately upset, and she and Tyler get into another shouting match. She accuses him of never acting like a brother to her.
This is the part of the show where I pull Avery into a big hug and stroke her hair patronizingly, and tell her that that's not how blended families work. Instead, you tell your own parent what shitty thing your new stepsibling said or did, in an effort to get them into trouble. The endgame is to break up the marriage. Getting your "real parents" back together is optional, depending on whether your other parent is okay, an asshole, in jail, or dead.
Anyway, Avery flings herself dramatically on the bed to cry tears that the actor isn't able to conjure, and Tyler comforts her, suggesting maybe Bennett might leave the bathroom where he is smelling his own farts, to drive them around looking for the dog.
She points out that Bennett said they can't keep Stan if they can't take care of him.
Tyler says they should find a dog who looks like Stan, and teach him how to talk.
"We have to find him ourselves," Avery corrects.
"Okay, if you wanna do it the hard way," he replies.

The actor didn't write this shit. The actor didn't write this shit.
They come to the conclusion that they need to check the animal shelter.

They go down to the shelter (I guess calling never crossed their minds?).
Stan's narration introduces the shelter worker.

This joke is... okay.
Glen tells them he can't release Stan (who is apparently there already) until an adult pays for the $500 in damages he did.
Then we get a flashback of Stan strolling up on a pen of poodles up for adoption.
I shit you not, he somehow has a welding set, and cuts the lock off this way.
The poodles run out.
He protests that he is adopting them.
The poodles belonged to the shelter.
A shelter would never house a bunch of strange dogs together in a pen outside. Overnight. Also, no shelter has a "you break it, you bought it" policy. Bad show, bad. *smacks show with rolled-up newspaper*

Avery asks if she can leave some things for Stan - a chew toy, and a bottle of bacon-flavored spray,  things I wouldn't mention unless they were coming back to feature in the plot. Glen tells her no, gives them a business card with the shelter's number, and tells them to have their parents call and arrange payment. Then he leaves the counter, because the plot says he needs to. So the kids can sneak into the shelter, which you saw coming a mile away.
Avery balks at sneaking into the back, because the script says she's uptight about rules, but she gives in and follows.

They go in, and behold! Stan is in a stand-alone pen right up front, no need to waste precious sitcom seconds where they frantically search for the dog.
The dog who is wearing a collar with an ID tag.
And a phone number.
Did the shelter call Bennett and Ellen to let them know they had picked up their dog? Nope.
Stan is salty. Avery apologizes and tries to convince him that they didn't mean what they said. He tells her to fuck off. She offers him a treat, and he immediately changes his tune.

They're all excited to go home, then Avery remembers that it's Tuesday, and holy shit, wasn't her Tolerance Club coming over? And oh, noes! What about the cheerleaders?!
(Okay, one point given for that plot twist, as it were. One expects this crummy sitcom to use the Tolerance Club vs Cheerleaders conflict to just be used as a reason for arguing, one that will never be seen on screen. Here, it is a bigger part of the story. Good job, Show.)

I can't shake the feeling that this living room set is a reuse from the one from
"Two And A Half Men."

Oh, wait. It's all for a sight gag and lousy physical comedy. Point revoked.
Bennett whispers to Ellen that teens often have trouble in social situations (not in this case), and they should break the ice by dancing to rave music that he finds on his phone.

No.

NO.

Tyler texts a cheerleader to call off their thing while she watches his parents dance like Elaine Benes. Then he gives his phone and the business card to Stan and tells him to call Glen, the shelter worker.
That's not awful, show. Partial credit.

Stan calls Glen, and then stupidly, pretends to be Glen's boss.
Glen, who has presumably talked to his own boss once or twice, tells Stan to bite his ass.
Tyler reaches around Glen and hits some button marked "cage release," because a button that opens all of the cages at the animal shelter is definitely something that exists. Animal shelters are rolling in dough and can absolutely afford an electronic system of that nature. One that allows all of the cages to open simultaneously, freeing all of the animals at once.

Tyler pats Glen on the back and says they'll be taking their dog now. Glen whips around to face them. Avery sprays him down with that bacon-flavored spray crap, and when they run, they're followed by a stampede of dogs, who all target Glen.

The kids declare themselves home-free and try to leave with Stan, but Bennett and Ellen walk in to bust them.
Um, where is Chloe?

At home, it is revealed that the cheerleader read out Tyler's text about getting his dog from the shelter, and the parents are disappointed. Ellen suggests that they sell Stan as punishment, and oh look! She has 1000 fliers, ready to go!
Tyler interjects that Avery loves Stan, and they can't do that.
Avery smiles and thanks him for sticking up for her.
"It's about time I started acting like a brother," he says.
VOM.
They hug. The parents get in on that hot family hug action.
"We should find Chloe!" says Bennett.
But Chloe has magically appeared from nowhere to announce that she is already in the middle of the hug.
Hooray! Everyone is laughing and happy and all problems have been solved in 30 minutes or less, like it's a fucking pizza delivery. Then Stan jumps into Bennett's arms, and there is more laughing.
I throw up on my roommate's laptop.

More voice-over from Stan, who is drawing his blog post to a finish with a photo of his new family and writing about togetherness or some shit.
I wonder how long he has been writing his blog. Did he have access to Glen's computer?
He switches over from blogging to dog porn.

Ellen walks through to the kitchen. Then she realizes that she walked past Stan blogging, and leaves the kitchen to check. Stan is now lying on the rug, supposedly asleep.
She notices the doggy porn, assumes her husband is shopping for another dog, and goes upstairs to yell at him.

During the closing credits, we see the family gathered around, trying to get Stan to bark "I love you" on camera. He gives them a crappy version, and Ellen exclaims that Chloe was right, and Stan can talk!
"Hey, where is Chloe?"

Both parents confess that they didn't get that stupid pony, and Avery and Tyler look at Stan.

They give him the old "Oh (goofy character)! You're so quirky!" smiles.

FML.


Sooo, this is crap. Like, can we stop pretending that this is a review of a show, and just admit that it's a review of an electronic nanny? I mean, I get it: parents want something safe to plop their kids in front of for a little while, one that they won't have to pre-screen, and Disney Channel basically makes a bunch of G-rated shows that pretty much all fit into that category. But they're all the same. Formulaic. I actually started a chart at one point trying to prove that all Disney Channel Original Programming shows are actually the same show.
This one checks a lot of the boxes that I had on that list:
Zany red-headed kid who talks in exclamation points: check
Siblings that fight about stupid shit but always end up hugging it out: check
Unusual pet: yep
Sci-fi/fantasy element: yup
Supportive parents and adults: of course

So let's talk about the characters.
Avery is made to be awful sometimes - bossy, uptight, and a real stickler for rules. But she has to be likable to the audience, so they soften her edges. Want to get a laugh? Play up her bossy characteristics. Want your audience to feel for her? Give her a soft side, where she always wanted a dog, and just lurves him sooooo much.

Tyler is a dude-bro. We've all seen how those guys turn out. Popped collars, smirks on mug shots. "It was just a joke!" Supposedly, further along in the show, he discovers that he has a hidden talent for math, so maybe that redeems him a little. It certainly didn't help him out by having him make a "Barbie sez math is hard!" joke in this episode.

Chloe: the youngest kid, with the long red curls and the sassy attitude. Chloe... was set dressing here. She would appear onscreen, exuberantly shout two lines at the other actors, then disappear dramatically. Maybe she appears more in later episodes. Maybe her actor is allowed to grow and expand her craft. Maybe Chloe becomes more irritating the more prevalent she becomes. I have no idea. I only remember vaguely seeing other episodes and noticing this red comet zooming in and out of scenes, spouting off her lines, and being zaaaaany. I'm left with the feeling that she has no relationship to anyone in the house, except her father, who will be the source of her later-life drinking problem.

Bennett (the dad) is insufferable. He's patronizing to his wife, and I honestly am at a loss as to why she married him in the first place. The show didn't say how they found themselves as single parents, but if it was through divorce on his side, I can see why. And Ellen should have seen it as well.

Ellen (the mom): I remember her most in those handfuls of scenes I caught of this show over the years. And what did I remember? That Chloe's zaniness must have been contagious, because Ellen started coming off as what happens when you marry a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. "Unstable in a fun mom way, lawls!" At least she tells off Bennett a bunch of times in this episode.

Stan the dog: meh, boring. Was not impressed with his character, and not terribly sympathetic when he talked of just wanting to belong to a family. He only reads as interesting because he's a dog. Oddly, he feels to me like a canine version of Norm McDonald. The CGI on his mouth and facial expressions was pretty good and felt more seamless than the talking animal CGI I've seen in the past. But they had the dog actor pant when they wanted to do the CGI scenes - you can tell by the way his head moves, and it becomes distracting. Am also not fond of Stan's painted-on spots. He looks like the yellow dude from "Put Me In The Zoo."

Shit that doesn't ring true:
The older kids arguing worked, but Avery thinking that Tyler should treat her like his sister? Nope. And they all collectively call Ellen and Bennett "Mom and Dad." Having spent all of my teenage years and beyond as someone's stepdaughter/stepsister, this does not happen. Your biological parents get the names Mom and Dad, and you generally call your step-parent by their first name. Is it like that all of the time? No. But it happens enough that it stuck out like a sore thumb to me.

What the hell kind of schedules do these people have? The kids seem to go to school, but when? Avery presumably barges in on Tyler and the cheerleader at 3 pm, when she "reserved" the living room, so how long had they been home from school? Seems too early.
The parents seem to be home a lot as well. If Bennett is no a practicing psychologist and just an author currently, then I suppose he could make his own schedule or work from home. But what does Ellen do?
The establishing shot of the shelter show it as being nighttime, but again, the time frame the kids were arguing over was 3-6 pm, with their guests probably showing up at 3. Was it already dark at 3 pm? Why was it not dark at 3 pm in the first scene, when Tyler and the cheerleader were "studying"? What time is it in this universe?

The low-down: crap, crap, crap. Avoid like the plague. Don't even sit your kids in front of this. You don't want them developing nostalgic feelings for televised garbage.

 Fun facts:

- Stan was originally played by a dog named Kuma, but was replaced by another dog named Mick after five episodes, after a dispute with Kuma's owner.
- Both dogs were painted to look a specific way.
- Bennett teaching Stan to bark "I love you" is in reference to an old viral YouTube video.
- The title is a play on the phrase "Man of the House."
- This episode was available for a free download on iTunes for a month.
- There were ten episodes of a "spin-off" that was not a spin-off, which were aired in 2014. Basically, they made an additional two-minute "variety show" called "Dogs Rule! Cats... Not So Much" which ran immediately after "Dog With A Blog" aired. It had an "America's Funniest Home Videos" format, where Stan would show two clips of dog videos, voice the dogs in the videos a la Bob Saget, try to crack jokes for an audience of obviously stuffed dogs, and then show a clip of a cat doing something less than graceful. Stan talks to his stuffed monkey Robert, and also a long-haired cat named Meghan, who is somehow the show's stage manager. I watched an episode. I will not get those two minutes of my life back.

- This episode was filmed during the first week of November 2011.

- This episode was simultaneously available for download on iTunes on the same date as the television premier.

- This episode aired after a Disney Channel Original Movie called "Girl vs. Monster."

- This episode premiered with 4.5 million viewers. It was one of the strongest premiers for a Disney Channel series in recent history.

- The first promo for this series aired about a month before the premier.

- These Fun Facts suck.

Number of times that we have to hear about Bennett being a writer: 4

To date: 4

Number of times that Avery bitches about rules: 3

To date: 3

Number of times that I wanted to hear Avery bitch about rules: 0

To date: Also zero

Number of times that Avery wears a tie to indicate that she's preppy and likes rules: 3

To date: 3. Four costume changes, and three involved ties.

Numbers of times that Tyler flips his hair: 3

To date: 3

Number of times that Ellen indicates that she doesn't like dogs: 6

To date: 6

Number of times that Bennett makes shitty child psychology remarks: 4

To date: 4

Number of times I wanted to punch him: Every time he opens his mouth

To date: same

Number of times that I had to listen to a fucking laugh track: 126

To date: 126

Amount of time that I wanted to turn this shit off: 21:16

To date: 21:16

Number of times that Chloe did something craaa-aazzy: 6

To date:

Rats make fucking great pets.

Season 3, Episode 68 "Wink of An Eye"

"Wink of An Eye"
Production Order: 68
Air Order: 66
Stardate: 5710.5
Original Air Date: November 29, 1968

Oh, Star Trek. Just when I'm pretty sure I want to unfriend you, you suck me right back in with a ridiculous plot and terrible costume choices. Let's be social media acquaintances with a three-like-per-month minimum.
Speaking of which, I made a Tumblr. It's stayinalivejim and you can follow it if you want. Or not. I'm not here to make your social media choices for you.

*******

See Chekov in his chair on the right? Walter Koenig didn't actually
shoot any scenes for this episode. Wherever he appears in  "The
Wink of an Eye," it's stock footage. Also, check out that fabulous
matte painting behind the Scalosians. I think it's a re-use from a starbase?

Scotty-as-captain Log: 5710.5: "We got a distress call from a city on the planet of Scalos. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and some random Reds beamed down to check it out. The thing is, there's no one actually in the city where they beamed down."

Kirk calls Uhura to ask if they beamed down to the correct coordinates, and she confirms that they did. He's baffled, as the city is deserted. Bones takes some scans and says that there are no animals or people. Kirk bats at a buzzing insect. Behind them, a Red takes a water sample. (Shouldn't a science officer be doing that? Oh, wait. He'll probably be dying later. Never mind. As you were, Reddy.)
Spock approaches to give his report.
"Wherever these people are, they're hella smart. They left behind all kinds of awesome cultural stuff. I can see traces of them living here recently, but there are also places that have been abandoned."

Check out this yummy three-tiered fountain with the bronze Scalosian
statue on top. Don't know where they got the money for this, but it
was worth it.

Behind Bones, the Red has finished his sample-taking, and proceeds to wash his hands in the fountain, then wipe his mouth. I facepalm. Okay, I don't science for real very often, but even I know that that was a dumb move. You don't wash your hands in a substance that you're sampling. Never send a Red to do a Blue's job, kids. It results in shoddy science like this.

Sure enough, there's that insect buzzing sound, and the Red vanishes. Bones kind of loses his shit like Reds don't just randomly disappear every day.

Dramatic music! Credits break!

This is an interesting special effect: they traced the dude's outline,
filled it with an abstract pattern, then vanished it.

Kirk strolls onto the bridge to relieve Scotty. Seems as though there have been some malfunctions happening all over the ship. Little ones that have been corrected quickly or have just corrected themselves. Kirk and Spock re-watch the distress call with Uhura. A blond Scalosian dude explains that their people have been disappearing, that they were once a population of nine hundred-thousand but they're now down to five, and that they've taken refuge in the city. Uhura says that the distress message was pre-recorded and is probably set to broadcast to passing ships. Sulu reports that his station has now ceased to function, and Kirk tells Scotty to get his ass in gear fixing things. Bones pages Kirk to sick bay because Kirk ordered him to have the away team checked out. Kirk tries to worm his way out of it, but Bones reminds him that it was his idea to check them over.

In sick bay, Christine's pre-requisite two lines are used to tell Kirk that someone got into the medicine cabinet and put stuff back in the wrong place. Bones begins his examination, and says that everyone else has checked out fine, and he still has no answers as to why Compton (the sample-taking Red) vanished. Kirk hears the insect buzzing noise and wonders if he is hallucinating. He then says that maybe something followed them onboard when they beamed up. 

Spock tries to call him on the PA in sick bay, but it's garbled. Uhura breaks in to say that the comm system is messed up. Kirk tells her to alert the crew to use hand-held comms and to arm themselves. He then asks Spock to repeat his message. Spock says that he has detected something alien in life support. Kirk agrees to meet him there.

Spock and two Reds catch Kirk coming out of sick bay, and Spock hands Kirk a phaser. Spock scans the area and says he is picking up traces of alien life, but he can't pinpoint where. The Reds run into a force field and get knocked back. They set the phasers for stun, and all four fire at it. It's supposedly gone, but those Reds get knocked back again, where Kirk and Spock seem to be allowed to move forward.

Could be wrong, but I think they filmed sparklers for this effect.
It's cool.

Kirk and Spock enter Environmental Engineering (they zoomed in on the name plate as the boys passed), and are shocked to see -- I dunno, what? I see one of those standard Star Trek cardboard box computer units, with some silver exhaust tubing and another little computer box on top. I'm briefly confused as to why we're getting dramatic music and surprise from the boys. I guess the little box and tubing are alien installations added to the life support machine. Spock says the installation seems incomplete. They attempt to touch the box and get electrical shocks. Then they try to shoot it with phasers, but their weapons vanish. They are physically pushed back against the wall by something invisible. They hear the insect buzzing again. Kirk yells at thin air.

"Who are you? Get off my ship!"

Now our boys do something stupid. You know the experiments that have been done where scientists attach some kind of electrodes to some small mammal, and then they offer that mammal something awesome like a treat, but then the scientists fry their nads every time that mammal reaches for the treat, and eventually their nads explode or something because they just keep going for the treat anyway? This is like that. Spock and Kirk reach for the alien attachment again, and are shocked again. I mean, come the fuck on. I expect this out of Kirk. Kirk is a dumb mammal. But Vulcans are supposed to be smarter than this. Go to your room, Spock. 

Back on the bridge, Spock talks to the computer. They now have Majel Barrett using a super-fakey "computer voice" instead of the smoother one she was using earlier when she would answer back as the computer. I don't like this new stilted voice. It's annoying. Anyway, the computer confirms that the E has been invaded, and that the invaders' ultimate goal is to control the Enterprise, but it doesn't seem to have enough information yet to form more conclusions about the situation.

It tells them that they are not in a position to resist the take-over at this stage, and recommends negotiation.
"Psshh, yeah right," says Kirk. "I don't negotiate."
"Well then, what the hell are we doing?" asks Spock.
"Dunno," he replies. "I'll pull something out of my ass that will totally work. Don't worry."
He grabs a cup of coffee from the tray of a passing yeoman then flops in his chair to form a plan. But he can hear the insect buzzing again, and the camera tilts at funny angles as the rest of the bridge crew slows way, way down around him, and finally stops.
And now there's a girl on the bridge.

Kirk walks up to her and starts to ask what the hell is going on, but she plants a giant smacker on him instead.

"The fuck?" he demands. "Who are you?"

"Deela, the enemy," she replies.

Oh, good. That clears things up. Always nice when your enemy identifies herself right off the bat.

Me, I'm an enemy of her outfit. Once again, we're treated to what can only be described as "female character on Star Trek." It's the traditional all-or-nothing combo, a bathing suit that's open on the right side, but turns into a full-bodied costume on the left. A sort of skirt-cape thing covers her bare ass in the back, and the whole thing is made from a fabric that appears to be illustrating cell mitosis. She's wearing a brooch at her collar that seems to be made from pony beads and oven-baked plastic. Hair is big and fake but okay. Make-up is long, dark lashes and mod nude lipstick: okay. But costume is standard TOS fair: weird as hell.

When we come back from commercial break, she admits that he was correct in guessing that he beamed her aboard when they returned to the ship. He asks her what she's done to his crew, and she replies that she hasn't done anything to them. They're moving at a normal rate of speed, and she has changed him to move at an accelerated speed. Now he sounds like an insect to them as well. She says that she is the queen of her people, who are on the ship making some changes, and that she is going to make Kirk her king. He asks what will happen to his ship.

"They'll notice that you're gone," she says. "Because now you move so quickly that they can't see you anymore. You can't ever go back to being with them, but they'll move on and so will you."

Kirk pulls his phaser on her, which is interesting, because it vanished in the life support room. She just laughs, but she can out-move the phaser's line of fire. When he tries to stun her, she steps out of the way.

Okay, Star Trek, you're doing iffy science again. Kirk and Deela and her underlings all move at the same accelerated pace, which is faster than "the wink of an eye." Phaser fire moves at the speed of light. Are you really trying to convince me that Deela and her cohorts move quicker than light? How the hell does that even work? But throughout this episode, Kirk will use equipment that works just fine for crew members, and it'll move at the same pace for him as well. Like the lift doors. They move at the same pace whether he or Spock is stepping from them. Also, seriously, he just shot a phaser on the bridge. You're telling me that no one is going to notice that?

Deela reveals that she also has a weapon like his, which moves at her pace (which is still the speed of light). She manages to shoot the phaser from his hand. Then she pretty much tells him to suck it up, because "they always react like this at first, and then they learn to like it." He pushes around her and gets on the lift. She pushes the brooch thing and tells someone that Kirk is on his way to see him. So the ugly brooch is a comm device.

We return to normal speed, and Uhura gasps that Kirk is gone. Sulu agrees with her story that Kirk was kicking it in his chair drinking his coffee when he disappeared. Spock decides that the coffee is the culprit.

Kirk goes back to the life support room and runs past those two security Reds who were barred from entering Environmental Engineering with himself and Spock. Why are they still there? Were they assigned to stand guard just outside the "force field"? Because they look like they did when Kirk and Spock first entered that room: surprised because they couldn't get around the "force field." 

Kirk encounters Compton, the Red who disappeared next to the fountain. Compton has been left to guard the door, I guess. He tells Kirk that he's not allowed in, that he fought the speeding up thing until he met this super-awesome girl, and now he's on their side. He has a Scalosian weapon. Kirk fakes him out by agreeing to back off, then he does this round-house kick thing and knocks Compton out.

Kirk runs into Environmental Engineering, and he's immediately dropped by a Scalosian weapon being fired by some guys in more ridiculous Star Trek couture. Compton recovers and stumbles in.

"WTH?" he demands. "That was my captain!"

He runs at the Scalosians, but then one steps forward and there's a brief tussle. Compton falls to the ground with a small-ish cut on his neck.

"Ooh, damn," says a Scalosian to the others. "Dead man walking." He turns to the girl and tells her that he'll buy her a new one later.

After Dorothy left Oz, the Tin Man joined a cabaret in an iffy
neighborhood in the Emerald City. It was the sort of place with
a $2 all-you-can-eat buffet and sketchy bathrooms.

Back on the bridge, Spock examines everyone's coffee. Scotty and Sulu are freaked out that they might disappear after having coffee too. Spock decides to take it to the lab, and leaves Scotty in charge. 

Down in EE, Kirk is sprawled on the floor, while Deela talks about how sad it is when "one is damaged." The guy with the short blond hair, Rael, is annoyed with her for forming an attachment to Kirk. She tells him not to be jealous, and that she'd like to keep Kirk for a long time.

Kirk wakes up and demands an explanation. He is invited to check out the mostly-operational add-on to the life support machine, but he is warned not to touch it. Guess what he does? I swear to Zod, this guy should be smacked with a rolled-up newspaper. He then grabs it and hangs on for dear life. Bad Kirk! No!

Deela pulls his hands off the machine and chides him like the child he is. He then spots Compton on the floor, very old and very dead.

"When you got into the fight in the corridor, you scratched him," lies Rael. "When people like you are sped up to the same level as people like us, you become susceptible to cell damage. Then you age rapidly and die."

Kirk storms out, and Deela gets all up in Rael's face for lying about who damaged Compton. She says that she likes Kirk and the human race. She touches her brooch, and somehow information comes to her that we can't hear, but now she says that he has gone to the med lab to try to talk to Spock. Maybe it's telepathy that she knows that. Maybe she planted something on Kirk that allows her to read his thoughts. Maybe other Scalosians overheard him in the corridor talking to himself about his plans, then contacted her, and it's broadcast into her ear or brain or something. Maybe it's just a quick, easy way for her to know where he's gone, and the writers can claim that it's the future, or she's an alien, as to why she magically had that information. Rael kisses her. She smiles and tells him not to be jelly before she saunters out.

Deela finds Kirk in the med lab. Spock, Bones and Christine are working there in their own time, which means that they are standing still here. Kirk makes a sort of captain's log in a recording device, telling his crew or whoever hears it that the Scalosians have taken over the ship and installed a machine that cannot be uninstalled. He thinks it is putting the ship into a deep freeze, but he doesn't know why. He also says that both he and Compton were taken, and that it seems like after being sped up, that newcomers become docile and go along with the Scalosians, but then he explains what happened to Compton. He recites all of this with Super-Deluxe Dramatic Pauses. Deela then explains that  these things are happening because the water on Scalos became polluted and sped everyone up there. It also made them sterile (towards each other, anyway) and killed the children, so now they trap passing ships, speed up a few of the crew members to their own speed, and take those people as breeding studs. They're deep-freezing the Enterprise so that they can "save them for later." Yaaaay, sex slaves.

He tries to convince her that, if they let the E go, then their scientists will figure out a way to fix the situation and move them back into regular time, but she says that they tried, and those people died. Don't worry, lady. This is the USS Mary Sue, and even though everyone else who has tried it previously has died, we'll do it with no problems.

Rael calls Deela on her Easy-Bake Oven brooch, and we hear him to tell her to go to the transporter room with Kirk so they can beam down. But Kirk has put the tape he recorded into the computer next to Spock, and slipped out. Even though she's supposedly queen, and he's just the chief science officer, he orders her to go after him. I'm pretty sure that Deela is not so much royalty as full of shit.

She finds him in the transporter room, where he just barely has the time to remove a part from the transporter before hopping up again. She tries to transport him to no avail, then she calls Rael to report a malfunction. He accuses Kirk of sabotage, but she insists that he didn't have time. 

In slow time, Spock and Bones hear the buzzing sound in the med lab. Spock says that he has been hearing it since they came back on board, that he knows what it is, and that he is now going to the bridge.

Deela and Kirk are now in his quarters. He's clearly decided that it would be best to just seduce her like always, so he's playing nice. At one point, he tries to kiss her, but she cottons on that he was going for her weapon.

"Oh, well," he fake-laments. "You caught me."

They make out some more. She notes that he ships Kirkerprise.

Spock returns to the bridge to re-watch the distress call. He speeds up the recording until there is no picture, and the sound becomes the insect buzzing noise. Then he compares it against footage from the away team, and the sound is heard there as well.

Again, Star Trek: who took this video? Did you set up a tripod to record your away mission? Was it that other Red that we've never heard or seen again?

Down in the lab, Bones has found the tape that Kirk made. He puts it in and gets that whine, then takes it to Spock. On the bridge, they watch what turns out to be a tape, which is actually just footage of Kirk talking to that recording device, and Deela supplementing information off-screen.

Star Trek: WHERE THE HELL IS THE CAMERA?

Spock asks Scotty to go down to the transporter room.

Scotty does, and he's shown as being frozen in the doorway. The Scalosians walk around him. Rael is angry because he's found where Kirk has removed a piece from the underside of the transporter. He tries to call Deela several times, but she is not answering.

Why is she not answering? Because she's brushing her hair while Kirk re-zips his boots. Now, there are a number of reasons why Kirk could be re-zipping his boots while sitting on the bed in his quarters while a girl brushes her hair. Maybe she wanted to try his boots on. Maybe she asked how high the quality was on Starfleet-issued socks. Maybe he had a space rock in his boots. Maybe... no, No, that's it. There is no other way for you to explain to your space-enthusiastic kid that Kirk did not take off his boots to have ball-slappy sex with Deela. 

Rael busts in (I guess Kirk forgot to hang a tie on the doorknob), and he tries to attack Kirk with what I can only guess is a bobbing pool thermometer. Kirk defends himself with a pillow, then a chair. Surprisingly, they cut to commercial then, in the middle of the fight, which I haven't seen on this show before. When we return, Rael appears ready to bash Kirk's face in with that thermometer, but Deela zaps him in the back with her weapon.

Subdued, he starts a lovers' spat, and she barks at him that she's allowed to like her selected sex slave if she wants to, despite how he feels. She tells him to get the hell back to work and fix the transporter. Once he leaves, Deela apologizes to Kirk for Rael's behavior, and he decides that it's best to play dumb and obedient.

"That's awesome that you're onboard with all of this, even if I did like you better when you hated it. Rael and I were in love before, and your real personality reminds me of him." A sex slave owner with a type. Okay.

She calls Rael on her Dollar Store comm to tell him that Kirk is totally down with being her consort. I'm sure Rael is thrilled.

We go back to the med lab, where the Blue Brigade has found out what to add to the Scalosian water to make it like Kirk's coffee. It's untested, but Spock takes a swig anyway. It elicits a raised eyebrow and the word "stimulating," and I can't help but wonder if these two things comprise his O face.

There's the buzzing sound, and he notes that Bones and Christine have frozen. He walks away. As soon as he is out of frame, the buzzing stops and Christine grabs Bones' arm. "He's gone!"

Down in the transporter room, Rael has finished the repairs and beams down the other Scalosians. Scotty is still standing in the open doorway. He lets Deela know that she can beam down at any point, and that he is going to EE to turn on the freezing device. She apologizes for being a giant bitch about her sex slave. He says it's kind of okay.

Kirk and Deela go down to the transporter room, but Kirk manages to snake her weapon away from her and escape. She warns Rael that he's loose and armed. That's actually a great description for Kirk - "loose and armed."

Anyway, Kirk encounters Spock in the corridor outside of EE, and gives him the briefest of smiles before they set to work defending themselves from Rael's gunfire. Rael takes a hit and collapses because apparently, he's a Stormtrooper. Another shot, and the freezing device melts. This shit is too easy, but I suppose they only have five minutes left to wrap this up, so we'll let it slide. Deela runs in and goes to Rael.

"You tricked me. You were clever," she tells Kirk.

I can't believe she fell for that crap.

"What are you going to do with us?" she asks.

"I could put you in suspended animation," he muses. Then he asks what she thinks he should do with them.

"You could leave us alone," she suggests. "But I think you'll tattle on us to Starfleet, who will quarantine the area so we can't trap passing ships anymore. So then we'll die, which will solve both of our problems."

Kirk considers this. "Yeah, I'm okay with that."

In the transporter room, Deela says she is concerned about them.

"Bitch, worry about your own damn business," says Spock.

She tries to convince Kirk to come with her, as he can't get back to his own speed. Kirk glances at Spock, who looks away. This is apparently code for "My giant brain has figured out in a few hours what their fairly advanced society has missed for years."

"No thanks," says Kirk. "You're cute and all, but I'm in love with my ship and I'm having a torrid emotional affair with my first officer."

Spock beams down Deela and Rael, then presents Kirk with a little vial of yellow liquid.

"We didn't have time to test this first, so I guess you're guinea-pigging."

Kirk throws it back, and starts to move more slowly as the buzzing noise comes up. He pops into reality just as Jimmy Doohan finally, finally walks through the door to the transporter room. (I didn't show it, but dude has been standing mid-step with his foot raised this whole time. That's dedication, yo.) Kirk and Scotty rush to the bridge.

Kirk's Log 5710.9: "We didn't discuss it at all, but Spock has stayed behind in accelerated speed to carry out repairs so we can get underway sooner."

The lights on the bridge flash, and everyone reports that things are being fixed very quickly. Spock pops back into existence and returns to his station.
The Scalosians are on the viewscreen, most likely live this time. They don't actually say anything, but they look super pissed off. Uhura apologizes and says she must have turned the recording back on, but Kirk says that it's not a recording.

He says "Goodbye, Deela," and the E leaves orbit, and Kirk is smiling because his science officer figured out how to get them back to normal speed, but he didn't bother to give it to the Scalosians because... I dunno, skewed Prime Directive?

Also, if it's not a recording, and just a live shot of Deela & Co, then does that mean that they have been "fixed"? How else can we see them unless they've slowed down or everyone else has sped up? Is that why they don't talk? So we're left wondering whether or not it's a recording or a live feed?

This episode has all kinds of problems. Supposedly, the Scalosians are so sped up that no one can see them, yet they are able to use machinery and other tech just fine. They should be living several days to one of the Enterprise's, yet this all seems to take place in one time frame. Scotty spends the last half of the episode trying to put his foot down in the transporter room, but in that same amount of time, Spock and Bones figure out what is going on and develop a drinkable cure. Even if he stopped to boink Deela and fight with Rael, they still should have left the ship long before our boys in blue figured out how to fix everything.

I also want to know why there are still five Scalosians. Do they have more someplace else on the planet that weren't showing up on scans? Because it sounds like they've been doing this siren distress call thing for a while, and they seem pretty practiced at it, which means they've done this before. Sooo, they're stealing random ships' crews, supposedly pairing them off for mating, and then what? Does it work? Presumably it does, or they wouldn't keep trying. Where are all of the half-alien kids? The other ships that were being held in stasis? It's an interesting idea, but the plot has more holes in it than your average block of Swiss cheese.

Death Toll:

Red deaths this episode: 1
Red deaths this season: 4
Gold deaths this episode: 0
Gold deaths this season: 0
Blue deaths this episode: 0
Blue deaths this season: 0
Total crew deaths this season: 4
Total crew deaths thus far: 46

*******

I've been trying to drink more water lately, which is not my thing, because it doesn't taste like anything. Like I know it's good for me, and vital to my well-being and all that jazz, but it's bland. I like the flavored ones, but not the ones that are just watery juice. The actual water with flavors, like lime and grapefruit and crap. They're usually carbonated. I also really like black cherry so I decided to try this one. Why was the Arrowhead Black Cherry Sparkling Water on sale? Because it tastes like cough syrup. It's not thick like cough syrup, but it tastes just like red Nyquil. "Hey, friends! Do you want the nasty taste of cough medicine without the benefits of it soothing your throat and stopping your cough? Drink this!"

No. No thank you.

Dear Tanner,

You started out in an abusive home, and when your first mom moved out, she took you with her, and found you a good foster home with two moms who loved you very much. Though that first mom didn't return, she had left you in good hands. You were kind to people and other dogs, enjoyed the outdoors and water play, and were kind enough to stop barking when told to shut your yap. You put up, and made friends, with the other dog in the family, who is an asshole. You were unfazed by two cats, and when your moms opened a cat rescue, you remained unfazed by twenty cats. When you got sick, your moms were determined to make your last weeks good ones. You'll be missed by your human friends, your cat friends, and that other asshole dog.

Good boy, Tanner. Good boy.