ST:TNG Season Four, Episode Two "Family"

ST:TNG Season Four Episode Two "Family"
Production Order: 4
Air Order: 2
Stardate: 44012.3
Original Air Date: October 1, 1990

Picard's Log 44012.3: "So we're docked at McKinley Station, and the E is getting repaired from that thing that happened with the Borg."

Um, does McKinley Station look like...?

Riker is in the Obs Lounge doing ship's business when Worf comes in.

"We're done with the phaser upgrades, and we're gonna start working on other stuff," reports Worf.

"Well, you're just too damn efficient," jokes Riker. He hands Worf a padd. "Here's the list of people taking shore leave, and also the personnel transfers."

Oh, God. Can you imagine the mass exodus of personnel from the E following the Borg incident? I bet the ships doing sleepy scientific missions in BFE, Space suddenly got real popular.

"Reason for transfer: Captain became a fucking cyborg and killed 11,000 people. Did not sign up for this shit."

WHAT? Holy shit, me too!
Worf is just as surprised as we are.
"WTF you talking about, Willis?"
"They're on the visitors' list," explains Riker.
"Ugh, that's super inappropriate, a Klingon's family visiting while he's on duty." Worf does not seem happy about this new development. "As humans, they don't understand."
"Yeah, probably because this isn't a Klingon ship," points out Riker.
Also dude, your dad was in Starfleet. If anyone understands Starfleet protocol, it's gonna be him.
"You want more time off while they're here?"
"Fuck no." A pause. Oh, yeah. Supervisor. "Sir."
"Are you afraid they'll find out about your discommendation?"
"No, I already told them about it through correspondence." Another pause. "Humans really don't get the whole Klingon honor thing."
He leaves.

Picard is in his quarters packing for some shore leave, and Deanna Troi appears. She does this weird thing where she walks the line between nosy friend and therapist, telling him that she thinks it's "interesting" that he's choosing to go home to Le Barre, France, a place he hasn't returned to in 20 years.
He looks her square in the eye. "Seriously?"
They talk briefly about how his time with the Borg has caused some mental damage, and how she's been a lot of help, but he feels that he's healing, and the nightmares have stopped, so...
"Is that what you believe?" she asks.

She says that it's normal for him to spend a lot of time "looking for himself again," and his reply is to ask "what better way than in one's own hometown?"
"Interesting," Troi says again. Then she wishes him a good trip, and she kisses him on the cheek, which is okay for a friend, I guess, but totally inappropriate for a subordinate and one's own therapist.
Troi leaves, and both Picard and I are left wondering what the fuck that conversation was about. Was she trying to warn him that he wouldn't find what he needed in Le Barre? Was she being supportive and telling him to go? For a counselor, she sure did send a lot of mixed messages just now.
Picard closes his pack, takes one last look around his quarters, then leaves.

Semi-concerned music! Commercial break!

Worf goes to the transporter room and asks O'Brien if his parents have signaled that they're ready to beam up.
"Not yet," says O'Brien cheerfully.
"My mother is always late," complains Worf. "It's so... human of her."
Excuse the fuck out of me, you're telling me that Klingons are always perfectly punctual?
"You know women," jokes O'Brien.
Really? It's the 24th century, and "women are never on time because they take longer getting ready" jokes are still persisting? Your 20th century writing is showing, Show.
Worf bitches some more about his parents coming, and O'Brien sympathizes, because his father is a womanizer and harassed a female crewmember.
The station on the surface calls to say they're ready, and O'Brien does the Transporter Slide, and a pair of aging Russians beam aboard.

Worf pretends well enough that he's happy to see them, and his father asks if he's put on some weight.
"Looks good on you! Still working out with those holodeck monsters?"
Yeah, hooking up there, too.
Sergey Rozhenko immediately greets O'Brien. ("Another chief petty officer, like me!")
They shake hands.
"Nice to meet you, sir," says O'Brien.
"Don't call me "sir," I used to work for a living," quips Sergey.

They laugh, and Helena tells O'Brien that Sergey is joking, and that his proudest moment was when Worf earned his commission. Worf is 1000% already over this visit.

Helena reveals that Sergey has been looking forward to this trip for a while, and Sergey says he has all the specs and diagrams for the E, and wants to see everything.

Worf protests that he can't give Sergey a full tour, because they're here for repairs. Sergey tries to push it, saying that Worf can ask Picard for special favors in this case, but Helena interrupts to say that they came to see Worf and not the ship. Sergey looks disappointed, but agrees. They head out, but not before Worf throws one last "save me" look at O'Brien.

I love these people. Rozhenkos forever.

Whoa, shit. Look at this shot!

That's lovely. I love shots like that.

Picard is walking to his ancestral home in Le Barre, and the bushes around him keep rustling.

"You can come out now," he says.

A little kid pops out, and the scene that follows is kind of cute.

Picard raises his hands in surrender. "Good Lord, a highwayman!"

"I'm not a highwayman. You're my nephew, Jean-Luc."

"Then you must be my Uncle Rene."

"No, that's backward. I'm not your uncle."

Sassy Picard Moment: "Too bad. I rather enjoyed the idea."

The conversation that follows drops a bunch of exposition: we know that Picard has been away for 20 years, so he's just now meeting his only nephew. But apparently, Jean-Luc's brother Robert (Ro-bear) doesn't think very highly of him, telling Rene that Jean-Luc doesn't like it there.

Rene: "What does that mean, arrogant son-of-a -"

"Let's talk about that later," Jean-Luc interrupts.

You know, they've made it canon that Picard is uncomfortable around little kids, but apparently, he's okay with Rene. Their interactions are pretty sweet, actually.

Rene runs forward to get his mother, and the show wants to remind you that Picard grew up on a vineyard, because there are huge wine casks nearby.

Jean-Luc greets his sister-in-law Marie warmly and they both say how nice it is to finally meet.

"I feel like I'm imposing," he admits. "I could stay in the village."

He probably feels like this could be really awkward.

But she insists that he stay there with them, so he agrees.

They talk a bit about how hard Robert has worked to keep everything the same as it always was, and how their father was the same way.

"I'm going to be a starship captain," says Rene cheerfully.

Hmmm, bet his father loves that.

Picard gets a bit nostalgic, then asks where Robert is.
Always in the vineyard.

We cut to a guy dressed like Paul Newman from the bicycle scene in Butch Cassidy. He grabs a fistful of grapes and shoves them into his mouth, a la Augustus Gloop eating chocolate. It's sloppy and gross.
Jean-Luc comes up behind him.
"Heeey, brother."
Robert never turns around.
"The captain returns home. You meet the others?"
"Yeah, they're awesome."
"Good for them. Dinner's at 8. I have work to do. Goodbye."

Worrisome music! Commercial break!

Not just a weird screenshot: Robert's mouth often looks like that.

Beverly and Troi are in Beverly's quarters having a friendly chat about the possibilities of going on shore leave while here, when there's a chime at the door. Some random extra hands Beverly a box. She opens it up, and we see from the label that it belonged to her husband Jack.
"What's that?" asks Troi.
"Some stuff I put in storage on Earth after Jack died," replies Beverly. She takes out an old-school uniform and looks at it.
Troi teases her about a book that's called, "Advancing Your Career Through Marriage," and Beverly explains that this was Jack's way of proposing. He sent her the book while she was in medical school. It's a cute touch, I like that.
Unfortunately, there's also a little USB-looking thing in there, and she reveals that it's a recording that Jack made after Wes was born, and that he had intended to make a bunch and give them to his son for his 18th birthday. But he died when Wes was 6, and never made any more.
"I don't know if I should give this to him," says Beverly thoughtfully. "He's just kind of getting over Jack's death now, and I don't want to open up any more new wounds."
"Sure, but he has questions about Jack that you can't answer," points out Troi.

Down in Engineering, Sergey Rozhenko is regaling Geordi with Tales of Lil' Worf. Apparently 5-year-old Worf beat the shit out of a bunch of teenage boys, and the principle begged the Rozhenkos to tell him that Worf was an only child.
Geordi finds this as funny as Sergey, and Worf suggests that they can't do any more tours today, because Geordi is a very busy guy.
"Naw, we're ahead of schedule," says Geordi, who is enjoying the crap out of this.
"Fuuuuuuck."
They end up agreeing to let Geordi show Sergey the warp core, while Worf and Helena go to the arboretum.
As soon as Worf and Helena leave, Sergey says he wants to ask Geordi about Worf.

It's dinner time at the Picard household. Marie tells Jean-Luc that his friend Louis wants to see him while he's here, and they talk about Louis' job, which is raising the sea floor to create a new subcontinent. Robert thinks it's kind of dumb, but Jean-Luc, ever the explorer, thinks it's cool to explore a new place on their own planet.
"Oh, yeah. The mayor wants to throw you a hero's parade, and give you the keys to the city," Marie tells Jean-Luc.
"Fuck that," he replies.
He then guesses the vintage of the wine, and Robert tells him that synthehol has ruined his palette. Jean-Luc responds that synthehol gives one an appreciation for the real thing. Sounds like an old-ass argument.
Then we start another old-ass argument that starts out with replicators, and devolves quickly into retaining old traditions versus adding a few conveniences. And this is the basic gist: Robert and their father were very much into the retaining, while Jean-Luc broke tradition, and went off to Starfleet because he isn't a Luddite.
Marie points out that this is unfun to witness, and could they kindly STFU?

Rene switches to another old argument by telling Jean-Luc that he wants to pilot starships when he gets older, and that he wrote a paper on it and won a ribbon.
"That's cool, uncle," says Jean-Luc. "I wrote a paper about that when I was your age."
"Yeah? Did you win a ribbon, too?"
"Uhhh... I don't remember," replies Jean-Luc evasively.
"The hell you don't," Robert mutters. "You won all the ribbons."
Marie tells Rene that he should go get his paper to read to his uncle, and which point Robert chastises Jean-Luc for encouraging Rene.
"Let me raise my son how I want, and you can raise yours how you want."
Mmm, salty. Pairs well with the wine.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Jean-Luc is walking through the vineyards with his friend Louis. They talk a little bit about Robert's need to reach for the past, and Jean-Luc's need to reach for the future, and Jean-Luc insists that there's room in life for both. Then they get onto the topic of Louis' project, raising the sea floor.
Jean-Luc admits that he's been following the project in the science journals.
Sassy Picard Moment: "There's something I don't get though, Louis. You were such a rotten swimmer."
He asks about a specific problem the project is having and mentions how he solved a similar problem.
"Damn, you know, the government is looking for someone like you to take over the project. I mean, I know you'd never leave Starfleet, but..." Louis trails off. "How about this: since you're interested, I'll send over some info to you while you're here, and if you want to, you can take a look and give us your input."
"Cool," agrees Jean-Luc.

Worf is in Ten Forward with his parents, and they tell him how much the crew seems to admire him. He admits that he wishes they were more reserved in public. They tell him that they're just excited to be there, which is really freaking adorable. Worf gets called away, and the Rozhenkos get into a small tiff.
"He's fine," insists Sergey.
"He's not," argues Helena. "And I'm gonna worry, because I'm his mother."
They end up standing in front of the big windows, staring out, and Guinan interrupts from nearby to introduce herself to them, and to say that everyone eventually comes to this window to find their home star.
"I have a question: why have you never given him prune juice?"
The Rozhenkos are astonished, and explain that Worf always insisted on being fed Klingon food growing up.
"I had to learn to make rokeg blood pie!" says Helena.
"But we never learned how to eat it," quips Sergey.
I love these people.
They tell Guinan that things were tough on both them and Worf while he was growing up, but they let him explore as much of his heritage as he wanted, and they let him forge his own path.
"He's pretty sure we don't understand him," they add sadly.
"I don't think that's entirely true," says Guinan. "Because when he looks out that window, looking for home, he's isn't looking for the Klingon Empire. He's looking towards you."
D'awwwww.

Downstairs, Jean-Luc has a computer open, but he's staring off into space. Marie comes in and asks what the matter might be.
He doesn't answer right away, then: "I seem to have made a rather disturbing discovery."
Oh, God. Is it the Borg? Did you find a fatal flaw in the sea-floor-raising project? WHAT?
"I'm thinking of taking that director job with the Atlantis Project."
Are you kidding me? You're thinking of switching jobs? That's not a disturbing discovery, Jean-Luc!
And Marie is visibly relieved, because why the fuck would he use that terminology right after a traumatic experience, to describe how he's thinking of turn in his two weeks' notice?
"That makes sense," she concedes, "after what you've been through."
"I don't think it's that," he says. "Or maybe it is?"
"It would be nice to have you back home," she points out. "You and your brother might actually find you like each other."
We find out that he and Marie are friends, and they've been pen pals this whole time.
"You made me feel like part of the family," he says.
That's kind of sad.
"You are family!"
The doorbell rings, and it's Louis.
"I've set up a meeting with the board of directors of the Atlantis Project. I mentioned you were interested, and they were super on board with the idea of you taking over."
"The fuck, Louis? I'm not taking over!"
"Just a little meeting? Tell them your ideas? No pressure."
"Ugh, FINE."

In the CMO office, Beverly gives Wes the USB thing.
"I don't know what's on it," she admits. "But he felt like it was important to say certain things right then, before he forgot to say them later. He meant to give them to you when you turned 18."
Wes is intrigued, and takes the USB.

Worf is comically checking his hair in a little mirror in his quarters when the chimes go off. It's the Rozhenkos. They come in and everyone settles on the couch.
"I kind of didn't want you here at first," admits Worf, "but now I'm glad you came."
"We had to come," they interrupt. "When you talked about your discommendation... we know who you are, and while we don't quite understand the politics behind the action, we want you to know that we are on your side. You're our son."
They grasp each others hands.
You wanna make me cry, Show?

Jean-Luc is sitting at the table by himself, killing a bottle of wine. Robert comes in with what I'm pretty sure are dollar store flowers, cleaning non-existent dirt off of plastic stems, and he pours himself the rest of the bottle.
"What happened up there?" he asks Jean-Luc.
"Brotherly concern?" Jean-Luc replies sarcastically.
"Curiosity," shrugs Robert.
At least he's honest. Be ready for it. We're about to get a shit-load of Picard realness.
"Did they humiliate and violate you?"
DUDE.
"I always thought you needed some humility. Or just humiliation."
Damn.
Jean-Luc gets up and walks away.
Robert follows at his heels, like an annoying dog hassling you for treats. And Robert sure seems to be enjoying himself. Jean-Luc keeps trying to walk away so as to hold his temper, but Robert has latched on and is refusing to let it go.

Finally, it comes out: Robert is jealous of Jean-Luc. Sounds like he's been sitting in Jean-Luc's shadow since they were kids, and he's pretty fucking sick of it. He describes Jean-Luc as some kind of Golden Boy, always getting the kudos, while Robert describes himself as "Jean-Luc's brother."
Ouch. Too real.
"I was the elder brother, I had to be responsible. I couldn't take risks, like you," he spits at Jean-Luc.
"You bullied me!"
"Sometimes... maybe."

WTF, Robert?
"Did you come back because you wanted me to look after you again?"
Harrrrsh!
It sets Jean-Luc off, and he fucking punches Robert. (I may be totally wrong but it feels like the first time this particular captain has punched someone on camera.) Robert falls back into the vineyard, and Jean-Luc POUNCES on him. They wrestle in the mud. They take out a bunch of grape vines. And they end up laughing, covered in mud.

"You were asking for it," laughs Jean-Luc.
"Yeah," agrees Robert, slinging mud. "But you needed it. You've been really hard on yourself."
Jean-Luc's laughter turns to sobs. "You don't know what it was like. They took everything that was me... made me hurt and kill others, and I couldn't stop it, because I wasn't good enough!"
"So you're human after all," says Robert quietly. "This will be with you for a very long time, and you're going to have to learn to live with it."
They help one another up.
"Maybe I did come back so you could help me," remarks Jean-Luc.
"I still don't like you," grins Robert.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Marie enters the house later to find a pair of drunken Picard boys (the elder, not Rene) sipping that wine they poured earlier and singing some song in French. They haven't bothered to clean up, so they tracked mud all through the house and are now sitting in chairs, which are probably also covered in mud. (Robert was smart enough to wrap himself up in a blanket, but now the blanket is probably muddy as well.)
"What the hell...?" she demands.
They stumble to their feet and fumble their way through apologies and explanations, which she immediately sees through.
Marie wipes blood off Robert's forehead. "Have you seriously been fighting?"
"Nooooo.... nooooo," they reassure her.
"I think I found what I was looking for here," Jean-Luc announces. "I'm gonna go. And I'm going to cancel the meeting I made with Louis. I appreciate your hospitality, and I feel as though the next time I think about leaving Starfleet, I'll know where to go."
She smiles.

Wes puts the USB device into the holodeck programmer and hesitates before asking the computer to run it. He has no idea what's on that recording.
Inside, it's just Jack. He's about 24 on this recording, so only about five years older than Wes is now. And he's wearing the uniform that we saw on members of the Enterprise-C, the same one that Beverly pulled out of storage. Another pause, and Wes turns it on.

"Hi, Wes. I wanted to let you know who I was because by the time you watch this, this Jack Crusher won't exist anymore."
Ouch.
"Hopefully, I'll be older and wiser."
OUCH.
"I hope you won't grow up resenting the fact that I was gone so much."
Why do you do this, Show?
Jack talks about the father-son bond he already feels for his infant, and how he can see all of the people he has loved in his family when he looks at Wes.
"I'll always be a part of you, Wesley."
This show hates me.
Wes steps forward and reaches out for Jack, but Jack disappears.

STAHP, SHOW.

The Picards walk Jean-Luc out to the road. He is already wearing his Starfleet uniform again, and Rene says that someday, he'll leave to board his own starship.
"Maybe, uncle," says Jean-Luc. "But you may change your mind again before you grow up."
Rene glances at his father, then gives a tiny shake of the head. This has clearly been discussed and discouraged, even if it isn't working.
Robert steps forward and gives Jean-Luc a bottle of wine from their vineyard, with the advice that he "not drink it alone." They do a stiff formal version of that French double cheek-kiss thing, then hug one another rather fiercely. When they part, Robert gets this stoic look on his face like, "I didn't hug my brother, you can't prove anything."
Jean-Luc sets back off again, down the lane.

Upstairs, Worf is walking his parents back to the transporter room. When asked if he wants them to send him anything from home, he declines, then requests some of Helena's homemade rokeg blood pie. She laughs and says she will make it happen.

Picard exits the the transporter room just as they reach the doors. Worf introduces him to his parents, and the Rozhenkos beam and shake his hand.
"You got the full tour, yes?" Picard asks.
"Actually - " starts Sergey before his wife and son push him through the door.
"I have all the specs and diagrams!" he calls before the doors close.
Picard smiles.

Downstairs, Marie and Robert sit at the dinner table by themselves.
"He's still outside, dreaming about starships," she remarks. "It's getting late."
"Let him dream," says Robert.
D'awwww.

*******

I feel like this episode gets lost in the fray quite a bit, despite the fact that it's actually pretty good. Michael Piller had wanted to do a third Best of Both Worlds episode, but had been shot down. He ended up appealing to Rick Berman while they were writing the second script for BOBW, pointing out that something as traumatic as being kidnapped and altered by the Borg would change a person, and wasn't the whole point of this show to delve deeper into the human condition? Eventually Berman would agree, and Pillar would set out to write about the fall-out of trauma.
While not a popular episode, I like that they took the time to do it. One cannot simply return to work after that kind of situation occurs, and it is important that we see the infallible captain trip every now and again. It feels like the smart move.
Did Picard make the right choice in going back to Le Barre? Yes. He had gotten good mileage from Troi's counseling, but that was only going to go so far. Here, Jean-Luc is challenged by his brother. It's fueled by old arguments and admitted jealousy, but sometimes we must be broken to heal, and Robert was the perfect person to push Jean-Luc's buttons. He was a jerk, but it had to be done, and it worked well. Robert gets things out in the open by admitting to jealousy and bullying, and Jean-Luc is able to punch and fight at least one bully therapeutically, even if it is not the one who has hurt him the most recently.
I liked Worf's subplot as well. We get to meet the people who would be crazy enough to adopt a Klingon child, and while we find out they're probably tough as nails, they're also incredibly endearing. Backstory is always a-okay in my book. It rounds out the character and makes them more relatable - everyone has been embarrassed by a parent before, and Worf is no exception. I would be happy to see the Rozhenkos again.
While I liked the little scene with Wes and Jack in the holodeck, that particular subplot felt a bit shoe-horned in to me. It had originally been part of a larger spec script and was chopped up so that smaller bits could be included in this episode. Again, I always welcome backstory, but it seems added at the last minute, and while it helps fill in the blanks with the Crushers' story over the intervening seasons, it comes off as a little "also, here's a related C-plot." Really, we could have had a bit more Worf backstory here, and saved the Jack Crusher holodeck scene for something else.

Ah, well. Cie la vie.


- Fun Facts:

- The song the Picard brothers sing is "Apres de ma blonde." It's possible I'm reaching here, but here are some things that the song talks about that match up a bit to the situation: it is sung in two parts, a male and a female, and the female sings of her father's garden (the Picard vineyard, passed down to Robert from his father); the male part mentions "how good it is to sleep" (Picard defeated the Borg by having Data give them the command to "sleep"); the female's husband is off to war, in Louis XIV's campaign against Holland (Borg invasion) and the Dutch have taken him prisoner (Locutus).
- It was probably selected because it was a popular folk song, though.

The Picards behind the scenes.

- Jack Crusher's uniform was that of the Enterprise-C, but his insignia was TNG-era to show a bit of transition between the two. The crewmembers of the Enterprise-C wore the uniforms and combadges of the later TOS films.

- Riker's uniform features the rank and insignia of a commander, despite the fact that in the first episode of this season, he had been given a field commission to captain. This suggests that he either rejected the commission after Picard returned, or that it was rescinded by Starfleet.
- Director Les Landau and writer Ronald D Moore both thought this episode was fantastic. But Gene Rod hated the script, and this episode turned out to be the lowest-rated from the fourth season.
- This episode was nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Cinematography.

Filming "Family." Director Les Landau in the white shirt.

-Theodore Bikel (Sergey) and Georgia Brown (Helena) were both well-known in Yiddish theater and the producers were afraid that the Rozhenkos might appear "comically Jewish," but it turned out that those scenes read as fairly universal. Oh, man. I would be so tickled if Worf was Jewish.
- This is the only episode of TNG in which Data does not appear.
- This episode aired second in the season, but was filmed fourth.
- This is the first episode to feature Chief O'Brien's full name (Miles Edward) and his rank of chief petty officer. Making him a non-com gave him something in common with Sergey Rozhenko, and opened up a new facet of Starfleet to explore.
- Ron Moore has said of the discrepancy of Chief O'Brien's lieutenant pips that O'Brien was originally a bit player with no lines who just kept showing up more and more. They hadn't really planned to do anything with him, so they had just put the pips on his uniform.
- This is the first episode to feature no scenes on the bridge.
- A deleted scene from this episode reveals that Wes' middle name is Robert.
- Rick Berman was not interested in extending the Best of Both Worlds arc to another episode, but agreed to it with the stipulation that a sci-fi element be added. Several were suggested, but none fit. One of the sci-fi plot ideas would be reused as the fifth episode of this season, "Remember Me." After the sci-fi elements failed to fit, it was decided that they should do a purely familial show.
- Robert's clothing was meant to be rustic, so they made it more 20th century, but with patches and things to suggest that he worked hard in the fields. His costumes came from the tailor the same as the others, so in order to make it appear "lived in," staffers attacked it with sandpaper and other tools.

Patrick Stewart and Samantha Eggar between scenes.

Red deaths: 0
To date: 0
Gold deaths: 0
To date: 0

Blue deaths: 0
To date: 0
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0
To date: 11,000

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0
To date: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 0
To date: 1

Sassy Riker Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Picard Moments: 2
To date: 2

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 0
To date: 1
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Troi Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 0
To date: 0

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 0
To date: 1

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 0
To date: 3

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date: 0
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 0
Picard Maneuvers: 0
To date: 4
Tea, Earl Grey: 0
To date: 1

Alber says fuck the gym. Short and round is where it's at.