ST:TNG Season Three, Episode Thirteen "Deja Q"

ST:TNG Season Three, Episode Thirteen "Deja Q"
Production Order: 13
Air Order: 13
Stardate: 43539.1
Original Air Date: February 5, 1990

Picard's Log 43539.1: "We're in orbit around Bre'el IV, trying to work with their scientists. Their moon is about to fall out of the sky and fuck up all of their shit."

Between the active work that Data is doing and the conversation they're actively having with the Bre'el scientists, we learn why this is such a problem: the moon will drop out of orbit in about 29 hours. Can't blow it up, it has a structure that wouldn't allow for it. Can't break it up otherwise, because the destruction would rain down on the planet, just in smaller pieces. Letting it drop to the surface would destroy everything in an 800 km radius, creating earthquakes and tsunamis, and major dust clouds that could bring about an ice age. Screwed, screwed, screwed.

Picard calls Geordi. "Hey, can we push this thing?"
"Eh, we can try?" Geordi replies. "But it'll pretty much blow out the engines. Like an ant pushing a tricycle. We need like, 50 percent more output."
Riker shrugs at Picard. "Worth a try."
They tell Geordi to do it, and put out an APB to other ships in the area to come help push the moon back into place.
So they start the process of pushing with the tractor beam and blowing out the engines, but there's this weird metallic whine that they're all pretty sure isn't coming from the engines. Nobody can pinpoint the source, as it isn't registering on the sensors. It grows considerably louder.
And then -

"So in this scene, Patrick, you'll be about eye level with John's junk."

It's Q, naked as the day he was bo-
Hmm, idiom does not apply here.
I can't even get cheeky and say "balls to the wall" because he's floating in mid-air.
Anyway, so much Q skin falls to the floor, and he leers at Picard, because what else would naked Q do?

Dramatic music with a zoom-in on Picard! Opening credits break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "So we're trying to figure out this moon-moving thing, and then fucking Q shows up. Bet his sorry ass did this in the first place."

Geordi tells Picard that he's just shy of breaking the laws of physics on this problem, and he still doesn't have a good answer, but he'll keep trying. He goes back to Engineering.
Meanwhile, they found some kind of worker's jumpsuit for naked Q, and he's pouting like a four-year-old who wanted their sandwich cut into squares not triangles.
"These aren't my colors."
"STFU," snaps Riker. "We know you did this."
"What are you talking about?" Q demands.
Picard tells Q about the moon situation. Q replies that he has nothing to do with it, and anyway, let's bring it back to being all about him: he's been kicked out of the Q Continuum, and stripped of his powers.
"They think I'm a nuisance."
"You are," deadpans Riker.
"Well, now I'm human," he replies pissily.

"They made you human as part of your punishment?" asks Troi.
"No, I picked human," he admits. "I had a choice and no time in which to make it, so I picked this and asked them to bring me to the E."
"Why?"
"Because Picard is as close to a friend as I have," he grumps.
Picard has been facepalming, but now gives Q the best "are you fucking kidding me?" look.

Data scans Q and reports that he registers as human. Troi also says she's getting an emotional response from him, something in the field of "terrified." (Does Troi not usually sense emotions from Q? I don't recall either way.) Picard finally asks what the hell Q wants from them, and he begrudgingly asks for sanctuary.
"What must I do to convince you that I'm human?" he asks manically.
Sassy Worf Moment:

Riker grins at him.
Q tries to clap back, but it isn't very good: "Very clever. Eat any good books lately?"
"You wanna be treated like a human?" asks Picard. "Okay, toss him in the brig, Worf."
And Worf gleefully drags a bitching Q to the lift. Just as the door closes, Q discovers that he's claustrophobic.

In the lift, Q continues to complain about being human, questioning his choice. He lists off all of the things he could experience as a result, including losing his hair, sneezing, and being forced to wear clothes because of "some outdated concept of modesty."
Okay, dude. You're the one who uses his omnipotence for impromptu costume changes.
"Too bad," growls Worf in response.
They get out of the lift and Q keeps going on and on, claiming that he should have asked to be a Klingon, and what a good Klingon he would have made, blah, blah.
"STFU!" Worf barks. "Or disappear back to where you came from!"
"I can no more disappear than you can win a beauty contest."
Eh. Let's say 2/5. Q's insults to Worf are kind of unimaginative.
Worf pushes Q into the brig.
"If I still had my powers, would I allow you to lock me up?" asks Q, still trying to prove his case.
"You've fooled us before," Worf points out.
"Oh, geez. Do we need to talk about the story of the boy who cried Worf?"
Meh. Extra point for a pun, and because it wasn't yet another "dumb and/or ugly" joke. 3/5. Still not great.
When Worf turns to leave, Q yells "Romulan!" at his back.
Blargh.

Picard and Riker are in the ready room, entertaining thoughts that Q may or may not be lying about losing his powers. They reach the conclusion that they need to keep plugging forward with their plans to help Bre'el IV regardless. With that in mind, they call the scientists to say that the first attempt to move the moon didn't work, but they're still working on it. The Bre'el tell them that they're starting an evacuation, moving people away from the coastal regions. I guess they don't have a space program? Is full evacuation of the planet not possible? Seems like they would move everybody off-planet and then try to reposition the moon, but I know for story purposes they probably need the Bre'el to be trapped on their own planet with their impending sense of doom.
(I know part of the tenets of storytelling include putting your characters in danger and having them figure out a way out of it, in order to build interest, sympathy, and tension, but if I can think of an easy way out of this predicament, and you don't explain why that can't happen, then I'm going to be indifferent to the plight of these people. Was there not enough time to evacuate? Not enough ships nearby to hold the population? Take ten seconds from your story meeting, come up with a reason why my solution wouldn't work and present it as exposition. If nothing else, at least I'm on board with the idea that your characters considered it.)

Our boys exit the ready room for the bridge, and the whole place fills with white light.
"What the hell is that?" they ask Data.
"Berthold rays," he explains. "Non-lethal. Like a medical scan? I think we're being probed."
Everybody looks around, trying to figure out where it's coming from, but sensors aren't able to pinpoint the source.
It ends up moving from a white light that fills the space, to one little ball of light in the brig. Then it just kind of disappears over a sleeping Q.

Very light suspicious music! Commercial break!

Picard goes to the brig to see what Q knows about the probe.
Q is awake and complaining of boredom. He also knows nothing about the probe.
"Anyway, I just had a really frightening experience. My body was all weak, and I lost consciousness."
"You fell asleep, nerd."
"Oh, it was really scary."
"Eh, you'll get used to it."
(Wait - does Picard believe that Q is human?)
Picard starts to leave because this conversation isn't going anywhere, but Q calls him back. He runs into the brig's force field and makes an aside about how that's getting on his nerves, now that he has them.
Dude: STAHP.
"I can help you fix the thing! I know about moons!" Q says eagerly.
Picard considers it, then calls Data down to the brig, assigning him to Q and telling him to take Q to Engineering to work with Geordi on this moon thing.
Data tells Q that his being human now is ironic.
"What you have achieved in disgrace is what I have aspired to be my whole life."
Q tells Data that he should save his aspirations for better things, because humans are a very minor species in the grand scheme of things.
And I might believe that if he hadn't put humanity on trial in the very first episode, declaring that the Continuum had decided that they were progressing too fast. You don't decide to watch a species closely if you think they're minor characters. Q is full of shit.

Down in Engineering, Geordi explains his plan to boost some output of something, increase the power of the tractor beam, and push the moon for nine hours.
"That's a crap plan," says Q, who is leaning over one of the consoles at the pool table. "You'll rip apart your ship and the moon in the process."
"You got a better idea?" demands Geordi.
"Yes, but first, my back hurts. I can't stand up. What do I say in this instance? Is it ow?"
"Ow," the boys confirm.
"Oww!" Q howls. "I need a doctor!"
Data calls Crusher.

"Dude! Plan!" says an impatient Geordi.
"Okay, look," says Q. "They probably have this problem because a black hole passed by the system at near-right angles. So you have to change the gravitational constant of the universe to fix it."
"Change the law of gravity? Are you fucking kidding me?" Geordi throws his hands in the air and walks away.
"What's wrong with my plan?" Q asks.
"Changing the gravitational constant of the universe is beyond our capabilities," Data explains.
"Oh. Okay. I didn't know. We should not do that plan."
Crusher comes in and does a scan. "Huh. He has back spasms. Pretty fitting. He's been a pain in our backside often enough."
"I've been under a lot of pressure lately," he laments to her. "Family problems."
Oh, much better. 4/5. Plus, there was no fanfare or "ta-da!" moment with that joke like there usually is, making it that much funnier.
Anyway, she runs a thing over his back while he complains about her bedside manner.
"Oh." Geordi is standing at another console nearby. "We can't change the gravitational constant of the universe," he tells Data, "but we can wrap like a low-level warp field around the moon to make it lighter and easier to push."
Q is upright again, but now complaining his stomach hurts. "It's growling."
Sassy Crusher Moment: "Maybe you're hungry."

Data takes Q to Ten Forward, and they sit at the bar, but Q doesn't know what to order, so he asks Data... a guy who doesn't eat.
The android explains that he doesn't need to eat, but will sometimes drink a lubricant to keep his bio-functions working. "Humans frequently choose food based on mood," he adds helpfully.
"My mood right now is bad," Q grumps.
"Counselor Troi will typically order a chocolate sundae when she's in a bad mood," Data suggests. "She's usually in a better mood by the time she's finished."
"Great! I want ten chocolate sundaes," Q tells the waiter.
"I've never seen anybody eat ten chocolate sundaes," Data says.
Another Q joke that works because it's understated: "I'm in a really bad mood."
The doors open, and oops, it's Guinan.

Remember the last time we saw them together and he introduced the Borg to the Alpha Quadrant? Things go a little more in Guinan's favor this time.
"Heard you're human now, and that the Continuum kicked you out."
"The crew isn't fully convinced that he's human," Data tells her.
"Oh, yeah?"
She picks up either a fancy fork, or some kind hair ornament - a thing with tines - and stabs him in the hand with it. He screams.
"Seems human to me," she shrugs. "You're a pitiful excuse for a human. You could learn a lot from Data."
"Sure, the robot who teaches a course in the humanities."
(Lol, works both ways. 4/5.)
Guinan stalks away and the waiters bring Q's ten sundaes.
"I'm not hungry."

Up on the bridge, they've detected some kind of light and energy floating near the ship. The energy says something, which comes across as noise.
"It's intelligent," says Majel, "But I have no idea what it's saying."
They've noticed the energy ball out the window down in Ten Forward as well... everyone but Q, who is sitting and sulking at a table by himself.
"Whoa, Calamarain," says Guinan.
The energy ball enters Ten Forward and immediately attacks Q, enveloping him in energy. Data tries several times to touch him, but keeps getting zapped in the process. Finally, the energy ball lets him go and flies out the window again. Q hits the floor.
"Someone help me!"
Several people in the background scurry out of Ten Forward. Guinan makes a snarky remark.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard's Log, supplemental: "We got attacked by the Calamarain, an energy-based species that doesn't like Q. Looks like we're not the only ones."

In the Obs Lounge, Q admits to having messed with the Calamarain, who he claims have no sense of humor.
"You didn't come here because we're friends," guesses Picard. "You came here because you thought we would protect you when the people you've hassled find out you're mortal."
"Yeah, maybe," admits Q. "But you people are so quick to forgive and forget, I knew you'd help me, even after I'd messed with you."
"You've screwed with a lot of people over the years," says Riker. "I didn't sign up to be your Secret Service."
"Seriously, fuck that shit," says Picard. "I'm dropping you off at a starbase, and washing my hands of this matter."
"No, let me join your crew!" pleads Q.
"He did help Geordi with the moon thing," Data adds.
"Uh-huh." Picard calls Geordi to see if that's true. "Mr La Forge, how's it going?"
"Pretty good," comes Geordi's reply. "Gonna try another push pretty soon."
"Fine," says Picard. He reassigns Q to Data, and sends them back down to Engineering.

In the corridor, Q bitches to Data about how he's got this huge IQ, and all these skills, but Picard won't just add him to the team like he wants.
"It's nice that you have those things," says Data, "but you have to be able to work in a group, otherwise those things are no good to have."
Q pouts, but makes a good point about how the Q function: "It's difficult to work in groups when you're omnipotent."
Okay, but now you're in a different situation where you have to work in a group. Suck it up, buttercup.

Picard calls the Bre'el. They tell him that the moon being out of alignment has already caused problems, but that their people are taking shelter. They're desperate for any help he can provide, but also grateful. If this doesn't work, they'll at least be thankful that the Enterprise tried its best.

Data and Q arrive in Engineering, and Q tries to announce what everyone will be doing, but Geordi puts a stop to it.
"Everybody knows what they're doing, except you. I need you to go to station X, and monitor thing Y."
Then he walks away like a boss.
"Who does he think he is?" demands Q.
Sassy Data Moment: "He thinks he is in charge... because he is."
Everybody gets into position, and they start the warp field and tractor beam. The warp field is too small to encompass the whole moon, and Q starts an argument that it isn't going to work, that the moon will crumble into a bunch of smaller pieces.
Data has to tell Q to simmer down and cooperate.
They start to push the moon, but the Calamarain choose this moment to attack, when the shields are down. They have to drop the tractor beam and raise the shields, but the attack has knocked the E into the upper atmosphere of the planet. The hull temperature shoots up. That bright light fills the ship again, and the Calamarain grab Q, shocking him and yanking him upward toward the second story of the warp core. Data grabs his feet to keep him on the ground, but now Data is surrounded by the energy as well.
"Can we move energy to the shields?" asks Riker.
"No!" says Geordi. "We need the shield levels to be lower so the engines can bump us out of the atmosphere."
They move out of the atmosphere, the hull temperature drops, and Geordi bumps up the shields. I guess the Calamarain weren't completely inside the ship, because the energy suddenly disappears. Data and Q drop unconscious to the floor.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

When we return, Q is fine, but Data is in sick bay, being worked on by Geordi and Crusher. They tell Picard and the others that Data is completely screwed up and if he were an actual living being, he'd be dead.
"So what? He's strong, he'll survive," pouts Q. "I'm living, and I survived."
"He saved your life," Picard snaps. "How about some concern for him?"
"I love you guys, but GTFO," says Crusher.
Picard assigns a Gold security guy to Q, who hauls him off, then leaves himself. Riker pauses long enough to ask Geordi about the moon.
"Bought ourselves another orbit," shrugs Geordi. "We'll go back in when it's at it's lowest, but we'll have to drop the shields then to try again."
"And when we drop our shields, the Calamarain will attack Q again," sighs Riker.
"He's not worth it," says Geordi flatly.

Picard is in his ready room when Q comes in.
"Been thinking about this mortality stuff, and it's weird, because I'm not used to it. I can't figure out why Data would sacrifice himself to save me."
 "Because he's not an asshole?" suggests Picard.
"Yeah, I feel bad when I ask myself if I would do the same for him and answer no. I'm kind of a shitty human being, a coward without my powers. I don't really have what it takes to be human."
He leaves. Picard resumes drinking his tea like Kermit the frog.

Q makes his way down to sick bay. Geordi tells him that Data is mostly up and functioning, but they're still working on his language systems, so he lacks the ability to talk.
"Some people out there would consider you to be the height of achievement," Q tells Data, "because you don't feel emotions or pain. But if it really means that much to you, you're a better human than I am."
Then he leaves. Data looks at Geordi like, "WTH?"

Q steals a shuttle. On the bridge, Worf tells the others that a shuttle is leaving the ship, and Picard calls it.
"Q, what are you doing?"
"Leaving. This is the easiest way to do this. Without me on board, the Calamarain will give up on the ship, allowing you to do your thing."
"Don't be stupid. Get your ass back here."
"Noop, not gonna happen. I was a terrible human, and dying seems a much better idea.  And don't do the cliched thing of charging to my rescue at the last minute."
Lol, was that a partial wall break?
"Laters." Q signs off and flies the shuttle away from the ship, with the Calamarain tagging along behind.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Picard asks Worf to beam the shuttle back into the shuttle bay. Worf punches some buttons before declaring that he cannot. Then Picard asks Geordi to get a tractor beam on the shuttle, and Geordi gives the same answer: no go.
Riker aims a look at his boss.
Sassy Picard Moment: "What? It's a good shuttle."

Q is in the shuttle, piloting away from the E when a blond dude steps through the outer wall and into the cabin. "Hey, Q."
Q tries to ignore him at first, but then puts on the charm, like a Southern belle greeting someone she hates. "Q! What are you doing here?"
"Checking in on you."
"Aw, I always knew you were my friend!"
"What friend? I got you kicked out."
"Fucking turncoat." Q goes back to the shuttle controls.
"See, I have this problem," says Q2. "I convinced the Continuum to boot your sorry ass out based on the fact that you were the universe's biggest asshole. I was always cleaning up your messes. But then you decided to pull this selfless act bullshit, and now I look like a liar."
"Eh, I wasn't doing something selfless. They were annoying. I was miserable, and now I'm just gonna commit suicide."

"Uh-huh." Q2 sits in the passenger seat. "Those humans are actually pretty cool. They tried to save you by hauling you back in with their techo-dodads. I stopped them, of course. Stopped the Calamarain, too. The thing is, I feel like you've learned some kind of lesson here."
Suddenly, his suicide is leading to something he wants, and Q is fully ready to embrace the accusation handed to him by Q2. "It was a totally selfless act! I'm so glad you noticed."
Q2 snorts. "You're full of shit. "But I'm giving you your powers back."
Blondie disappears.
Q snaps, and now he's wearing a Command Red uniform. "Hell yes!" He snaps again, and the Calamarain appear very tiny in his hand. "Oh, the ways I'm gonna punish you!"
Blondie pops just his head back inside the cabin in a super-creepy way. "Still watching you!"
"Still being good!" Q grins. And he blows into his open palm, blowing the Calamarain someplace else.

On the bridge, Data reports that both the shuttle and Calamarain are gone.
"I guess that's the end of Q," says Picard quietly.
"It is not!"
Q appears on the ramp behind them with a mariachi band. He plays the trumpet, then announces that the Continuum has taken him back, and he's regained all of his powers. He snaps his fingers, and everyone on the bridge gets a cigar.

"Yay," says Riker flatly.
"It's all good!" says Q. "I have my powers back, so -"
He snaps again.

"Dude, no."
"Eh, I liked you better before the beard." Q snaps again, and the women reappear, draped all over Worf.
"Get rid of it," says Picard.
Q sighs, and snaps and the girls and band disappear. He's back in Command Red.
"Okay, so I know what you're gonna say next: GTFO.  And as a human, I couldn't thank you properly, but just know that you have my gratitude." He walks over to Data. "I have a gift for the android."
"Please don't make me human," says Data.
"Naw, I wouldn't do that. Just a small present."
He disappears.
Data breaks out laughing. The bridge crew pauses, not sure if they should be amused by this or not.
"Why are you laughing?" asks Geordi.
"I dunno," Data admits. "But it's a wonderful... feeling."

Bre'el IV calls. Apparently, the moon is back in it's correct orbit, and they want to thank Picard.
"Whut?" he asks.
When the Bre'el scientists hang up, they check it out: totally fixed, and no longer in danger of falling out of the sky.
"Huh. Maybe Q has a tiny piece of humanity in him after all," notes Picard.
He's about to give the order to fly away, but a cigar appears in his hand, with Q's head in the smoke.
"Don't bet on it," says Q.
The Enterprise takes off.

So some good stuff and some bad stuff.
Bad stuff first: Q's jokes suck, for the most part. They're like Dad jokes, specifically the kind that only dads laugh at, but like, Evil Dad jokes. I can't tell if the writers think these are genuinely funny, or if they write these knowing that they're awful, and that Q tells awful jokes to amuse himself. There were a handful that were actually pretty good, but really only when they were down-played quite a bit. The part at the end where his head appears in the cigar smoke was stupid.
Good stuff: With the exception of that evacuation question that was never answered, the story was pretty good. The science, too. The idea of a guy in power getting cut down to humble circumstances and still receiving compassion from his inferiors is nothing new, but using Q as "the king who would be man" (as he put it) was a good idea. Q is an asshole, and as we find out from Q2, it is not aimed exclusively at humans. We get a tiny glimpse into the workings of the Continuum, and we find out that not only is Q's behavior not indicative of all Q, but it isn't condoned by them, either. It's a character flaw, and one that gets him booted from their ranks. In this case, the members of the Continuum aren't so callous as to make him human as a punishment (implying that to be human is a punishment in itself), but instead make him mortal and strip him of his powers. He then spends the rest of the episode trying to convince the humans that being human is the real punishment. Classic Q assholery. However, he reaches the end of the episode with his powers and immortality in place again, and does a solid for Data. I don't recall if it's this episode or a general lessening over time to make him less of a jerk, but I'm not fond of early Q. he comes off as... well, like Sid from Toy Story: destroying things for his own amusement. Later Q will do more of the same, but it'll be tempered with less selfishness on his part. He'll become more palatable.
I really liked this pairing of Former Omnipotent Being and Android Who Aspires To Be Human. Somehow, Data must be a guide to Q, despite the fact that he himself is not human. It works comically because neither has any experience in what that might be like, but it also works on a more philosophical level, because the teacher has spent 30 or so years studying humans and constantly questioning their actions in order to gain knowledge. Data actually cares about humans and how they function, and unlike everyone else on the ship, actually seems to believe that Q might make a decent human being in the future. The others are biased, and uncertain if Q is telling the truth or not. Data, possibly being naive, is willing to give Q a shot at this whole human thing; and Q probably would not have taken any of this seriously had he been assigned to anyone else who would have given him a hard time. Two great scenes that illustrate this: the scene where he tells Geordi that he needs to change the gravitational constant of the universe, and the scene following, where he and Data discuss what to eat. In these scenes, he drops the condescension a bit, and simply understands when Data explains. Again, if anyone else had tried to explain, they would have got huffy with him, and he would have trotted out the asshole tendencies. Here, Data's patience is an asset, allowing Q to understand without getting defensive. Good stuff, Maynard.

Fun Facts:

- They tried unsuccessfully to film fake-outs of the nude scene at the beginning, but none of the fake stuff worked. John de Lancie is totally, totally naked here.
- In the original script, Q had faked losing his powers, and there was some trouble with the Klingons. Gene nixed the faking lost powers thing and said "Just have him lose his powers."
- Maurice Hurley thinks that Q exists to give lessons on things. Melinda Snodgrass thinks of Q like Loki.
- The song the mariachi band plays is "La Paloma." In English it's called "No More," and was popularized in the movie "Blue Hawaii" with Elvis Presley.
- This is the first time we see another member of the Q Continuum.
- This episode contains the still that's most commonly used in the Picard Facepalm meme.
- Sandra Wild, the blonde girl who drapes herself on Riker and Worf, was a Playboy model. She'll show up twice more in DS9, as a Dabo girl.

Red deaths: 0
To date: 1

Gold deaths: 0
To date: 1

Blue deaths: 0
To date: 1
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0
To date: 1

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 0
To date: 9

Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 1
To date: 4

Sassy Riker Moments: 1
To date: 10

Sassy Picard Moments: 1
To date: 8

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 1
To date: 4
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 1
To date: 2
Sassy Troi Moments: 0
To date: 4
Sassy Guinan Moments: 2
To date: 4
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 0
To date: 1

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 3
To date: 13

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 0
To date: 19

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date: 4
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 2
Picard Maneuvers: 2
To date: 19
Tea, Earl Grey: 1
To date: 2

RIP, Harvey