ST:TNG Season Three, Episode Ten "The Defector"

ST:TNG Season Three, Episode Ten "The Defector"
Production Order: 10
Air Order: 10
Stardate: 43462.5
Original Air Date: January 1, 1990

We get an unusual opening this week: we don't know right at the first that it's the holodeck, but lo and behold: holodeck. Anyway, two dudes are talking around a campfire in iambic pentameter, and the show doesn't want you to know that one dude is Patrick Stewart, because they slathered him in make-up and stuff, but there's no disguising that voice, no matter which accent he uses.

Data comes in, disguised as Henry V, who is disguised as a commoner, and he delivers some lines in a cool-ass cloak. We then see Picard off to the side, in uniform, mouthing the words as Data says them. At one point he breaks in to tell Data that he's getting better at this, and Data is forced to freeze the program, because the other two guys come at the captain with weapons, because who is the dude in raspberry-colored jammies?
Data thanks Picard and lists off which performers he plans to study and imitate, and Picard says that while it's worthwhile to study Shakespeare to get the hang of the human condition, he should find his own style, rather than imitating others.

*raises hand* Hi, that's bullshit? Because not only is imitation the sincerest form of flattery, it's also the best way to learn a technique, thereby creating one's own sense of style? And it's been done that way successfully for thousands of years? Otherwise I would have bitched more vocally about being forced to paint a bunch of Cezanne still lifes? Have things really changed so much by the 24th century that we're ditching that notion, or is it just crappy advice from the All-Powerful Picard?
(Also, how did Data get that awful bowl cut? Does his hair grow? Who cut it like that? Was it Mott, the ship's barber? "Hello, Mott. Can you give me a terrible haircut for a thing I'm doing briefly on the holodeck?")

Riker calls Picard and interrupts all of these weird musings. Scans show some ship in the Neutral Zone.
"Be there in a sec," says Picard, and they walk into the corridor
Data reaches up, and thank fucking fuck, that crappy bowl haircut was a wig.
Like a furry showercap. I can't even imagine them handing this to Brent Spiner and saying, "We're gonna open in this."
Anyway, Data asks Picard what the point is of Henry going among his own people dressed as one of them, and Picard cites empathy as the main reason.
"Can I do a show for the crew?" Data asks out of nowhere.
"Ummm... maybe later."
Does Picard want to sit through 2+ hours of Data doing Shakespeare? No.

They hit the bridge, and Riker reports that the weird ship is actually a Romulan scout.
"The hell?" asks Picard. "What's it doing in the NZ?"
Worf formally requests to verbally bitch-slap the ship over subspace communication, but Picard wants to do it.
Unfortunately, he doesn't get to do it. The scout ship hails them.
"Hey! Federation ship! I need help! Also, asylum! Also, being pursued!"
And a big-ass Romulan decloaks behind it.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

"The fuck?" yells Picard. He has Worf open the channel to the warbird. "Hey! Romulans! Why the hell are you in the Neutral Zone, and hella close to our space?"
"Being ignored," reports Worf.
Instead, they call the scout back.
"Yes! Please help!" yells the Romulan in the scout. "My ship is not great and getting less so!"
The screen goes all staticky, and the warbird fires on the scout, disabling it.
Picard calls Geordi. "Can we put our shields around that scout?"
"Um, yeah?" replies Geordi. "But it's taking a huge risk, because they we won't have the juice to keep the Romulans at bay."
"Okay, do it," says Picard, and you know that was the right choice, because we're a third of the way into season three, and why would they have the Romulans blow up the ship mid-season?
The warbird comes nose to nose with the Enterprise, weapons all powered up, and Picard begins a blustery speech to them, but then they're like "Eh," and the warbird turns away and leaves before decloaking.

"...whut?" asks Riker.
"Search me," says Picard.
"They're going back to Romulan space," reports Worf, giving all of the important exposition, and none of the juicy reactions.
"Scout ship falling apart," announces Data.
Of course they beam him aboard. They were going to do that regardless of whether or not his ship was shot to hell. They're not going to save a dude, then wave good-bye to him as they goes their merry way through space.
But they also elect to tow his ship.

Riker and Worf go down to the transporter room. A wounded Romulan stumbles off the pad and tells them he has some fucking bonkers information.

Picard's Log 43462.5: "We picked up a hitchhiker who says he's a low-ranking logistics clerk, and that he's defecting, and he has info on a secret thing the Roms are doing."

At a senior officers meeting in the Obs Lounge, the Romulan (who says this shit is too important for him to have gone straight to sick bay to be treated) tells them what he knows. It seems that quite a few of the younger leaders are still pissed off about the treaty that was signed, establishing the Neutral Zone, and they want to take all of that space and then some. He mentions an "embarrassing defeat" at The Battle of Cheron, and some kind of base at Nelvana III.

Wondering where you've seen/heard of Nelvana? Here you go.

"We have sensors in that area," argues Riker. "Did they just fucking miss a whole base?"
"I guess so!" barks back the Romulan, whose name will be revealed as Sublieutenant Setal. "The whole thing goes online in two days, and the Romulan fleet will be within a stone's throw of 15 Federation sectors."
"The Federation won't put up with that shit," growls Worf.
"Yeah. Talking about war," says Setal sarcastically. "If you get rid of that base, there won't be any more threat."
Picard has had some interesting body language for this scene. He's in that end chair, but it's swiveled toward the window, so Setal is mostly getting his profile. He's listening, but not giving Setal his full attention.
Now he turns to the guy and says, "Okay, well, you're probably tired. I'll have Worf take you to sick bay, and we'll see about getting you some quarters in the meantime."
The Romulan is surprised. "Oh. Um, you want to ask me more questions later, right?"
Picard blinks. "Duh."

Setal and Worf leave.
Riker thinks Setal is lying, that the Federation would never allow the Roms to build anything in the Neutral Zone.
Data makes a good point: "Commander, that would not be an atypical Romulan ploy."
Apparently, the Romulans like to test the waters, let other people strike first.
Riker thinks that Setal is faking it, and that he's drawing them into the Neutral Zone to check on this supposed threat, so that the Romulans can then pop up and go "A-ha! You broke the treaty, so now we can blow you out of the sky!"
Data: "That would also not be an atypical Romulan ploy."
"Sneaky motherfuckers," mutters Picard.
"Eh, at least we can check out his ship," muses Geordi, right before the damn thing gets blown to hell.

"Lol, of course I set it to auto-destruct," laughs Setal when Riker confronts him. "Wouldn't you?"
Riker, standing in sick bay with Setal as Crusher fixes his face, is pissed as hell. "I thought you were defecting?"
Setal makes a good point: "Yeah, but I'm not a traitor. All you can see is the opportunity to exploit me."
Reminder from the show: the Federation is not as squeaky-clean as it likes to think it is. Sometimes they do shady shit for their own benefit.
"I came to you to prevent war," Setal points out, "and you guys just want to strip down my ship for secrets."
(Yeah, well, friendly reminder from Lady Archon that the Romulans would have done the same, Setal.)
Crusher barks at him to hold still while she knits his face back together again.
He remarks in return that it's awesome that she knows about Romulans.
"I gained some knowledge recently," she says, shooting some side-eye at Worf.

"Oh yeah, Galorndon Core," replies Setal.
Worf is suspicious, because how does this lowly clerk know about that?
"Common knowledge," says Setal shiftily.
Worf implies that Setal is a spy.
Setal replies by calling Worf a bunch of Klingon swears.
Sassy Riker tells Setal that only a Romulan veruul would use such phrases in public. Setal is amused.
Riker dismisses Worf, who is now pretty pissed off. Setal admits that he likes Worf, and understands what kind of guy Worf is. Unfortunately, he also thinks "the kind of guy that Worf is," is the kind of guy who will get everyone killed in this war.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Riker shows Setal to his room, perfunctorily introduces him to the food dispenser, then nopes out of there. Setal requests some cold water from the dispenser, and as we saw just last week, the dispenser is picky enough to ask for an actual temperature.
"12 onkians," he murmurs.
"Bitch, this is a Federation ship," says Majel. "We don't do onkians."
Sassy Guest Star Moment: "Any temperature at all on the cold side of whatever your system is."
Setal drinks his water and looks around his quarters which, as ever, is decorated in Twenty-First Century Mid-Range Hotel style.
Then he sits and takes an orange SweeTart out of his boot and stares at it while suspicious music plays.

Picard and Data check out the Nelvana system star charts at the science station on the bridge. Nothing is coming in as far as bases go.
"Hey, you got a decoded message from Starfleet," says Majel.
Picard goes to his ready room after finding out that there's a two-and-a-half hour delay between his ship and where the message was sent from.
When he opens it, we see that, once again they've changed the freaking admiral uniform. It's not my favorite.

Admiral Haden tells Picard that the Romulans asked for Setal back but that Starfleet told them to fuck off. No one is sure if Setal is lying or not, but they're kind of leaving it up to Picard to decide. Sounds like a cop-out, Starfleet, but okay. Anyway, they're sending the E to a part of the Neutral Zone border that's kind of close to Nelvana III so Picard can check it out.
Picard shuts off the communique and calls Worf to the ready room.

Later, Picard is at the science station again with Data, but this time they're joined by Crusher and Geordi. Geordi shows them, from some data they recorded, that the warbird had three opportunities to capture the scout ship and didn't.
"But they fired on it," Crusher points out.
"Sure," says Data. "but like us, they have the ability to regulate their weapons fire so as to disable instead of destroy."
"Do you think Setal's wounds were self-inflicted?" Picard asks Crusher.
"They were pretty bad..." she replies uncertainly.
"But, yes," Picard finishes.

I love shots like this. The uniforms look amazing together.

Picard's Log 43463.7: "Okay, so we're at the border near Nelvana III, and if Setal's info is correct, we only have 21 hours left until the base goes live."

Another communique comes in for Picard.
"Two more Federation ships are coming," says Haden, "but they won't get there in time. We also warned all of the outposts along the Neutral Zone border."
Data comes in, called by Picard.
"Set up a probe," says Picard. "I want Nelvana III hella scanned."
"Cool," says Data, and he turned to carry out Picard's orders.
"No, wait. I want your take on this. But more than anything, I want you to keep a record of what's going on, like a dispassionate view for posterity. Because what happens in the next 24 hours could lead to war." He pauses, and then asks the question that he should be asking Troi, which is weird: "How is the crew feeling?"
"Nervous," says Data, "but confident." Then: "Do you not see that?"
Picard in-joke: "Unlike Henry, it is not easy for me to disguise myself and walk among my troops."

Data leaves, and Picard quotes Henry V: "Now if these men do not die well, it will be a black matter for the king who lead them to it."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Riker and Troi are interrogating Setal, and it is not going well. Troi accuses Setal of hiding something. Riker accuses him of being a spy.
"I told you everything I know!" yells Setal.
"Who is your CO?" demands Riker.
"Admiral Jarok."
"What's the size of the Romulan fleet?"
"Like I know anything like that!"
"I'm not playing this game with you," says Riker.
"This is dumb. I came looking for courage in a lair of cowards."

 Picard is on the bridge when Majel tells him that there's a priority message coming in from a Klingon vessel, and for some reason, he asks Worf to take the message on some other station on a lower deck. Then he asks Data to get the probe info from Nelvana III, and sync it up with Geordi's info. He wants to be able to send all of it to Starfleet.
Later, Data and Geordi are working down in Engineering, and they get into a discussion about facts versus gut feelings. Data thinks that Setal is not a defector. Geordi thinks they'll catch the Romulans in the act. They take a look at some info coming back from the probe, and find something suspicious.

In the ready room, Data explains to Picard that the probe is picking up low-level radio transmissions.
"Our scans are too far away to have picked them up," he says. "It took the probe being right there to find them."
"Are they Romulan?"
"Dunno. We couldn't decode them. Maybe."
"Did you see anything on the surface?"
"Nope," says Geordi. "I guess they could hide something there. Hard to tell. We'd have to go down to the surface to actually look."
"Well, crap," says Picard.
Dramatic music, but no commercial break.

Setal and Data are in Ten Forward, but not together. Setal is sitting near the window drinking synthehol, while Data stares at him.
"Dude, WTF?" demands Setal after a minute. "Never seen a Romulan before, right?"
"No, I totally have," Data replies. "I'm trying to figure out what my gut reaction is to you."
Setal smiles. "You're the android. I know a lot of Romulan cyberneticists who would love to get their hands on you."
Sassy Data Moment: "I do not find that concept particularly appealing."
They talk for a moment about how the stars in this sector are different from the ones on Romulus, and how Setal misses Romulan ale.
"We could make some in the replicators, but we don't have any of the original with which to gather the information," replies Data.
Bullshit. For being an illegal substance, the Federation is hydrated by Romulan ale.
Setal waxes nostalgic about his home planet, and Data asks if he's regretted what he's done.
"No, I needed to do it," says Setal. "But the price is pretty high. I can never go home."
Data does a kind thing here, using the holodeck.

Setal seems appreciative of the gesture, but tells Data to turn it off. When the grid reappears, he resolutely says that this is his future, and he asks Data to make an appointment for himself and Picard. He says to tell Picard that Admiral Jarok wants to talk.

Picard gets yet another communique from Haden.
"So we confirmed that he's Admiral Alidar Jarok. Tread carefully. He may be an unreliable narrator."
Picard has a security Gold bring in Setal/Jarok.
"Please have a seat," he tells the Romulan courteously.
"We don't have any more time!" says Jarok impatiently.
"Bitch, I said sit down!"
Jarok sits.
"Okay, look," begins Picard. "you come to me with a bunch of conjecture, and say that your people are going to possibly start a war with my people in less than two days. Now you tell me that you aren't even the dude you said you were in the first place. How the fuck am I supposed to know that you're telling me the truth?"
They get into it. Apparently, Jarok's military record is well-known, as he lead what the Federation calls the "Norkan massacres."
"What one group calls a butcher, another calls a hero," points out Jerok, an interesting call back to "The Battle."
"I have this huge problem," says Picard. "How much are you willing to help us? You say there's a base on this planet, but you won't give us more info. Are you going to help us keep your people from starting a war? Are you going to help us overpower them?"
Jarok sits for a moment. "I can't betray my people."
"Dude, you're already a traitor."
Jarok tells Picard that is doing this for his daughter, because he saw the Empire making all of the wrong decisions, and he wanted his daughter to have a better life. He tried to convince the higher-ups not to go through with this crap, but they just shunted him into running a do-nothing sector. By defecting, he is trying to make a change, but he's aware that his daughter will grow up being taught that he is a traitor.
"But she'll grow up," he finishes sadly.
"I'm not helping you unless you help me," says Picard firmly.

The senior officers are gathered in the Obs Lounge when Picard comes in.
"Jarok has given me everything," he announces. "The locations of the Romulan fleet, the specs of warbirds, things like that. But his field experience is worth more. We're gonna go to Nelvana III."

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Data's Log 43465.2: "Heading into the NZ, totally breaking the Treaty of Algeron. Kind of working under the assumption that cloaked warbirds are nearby and watching us, so we'll probably run into them as we get closer to Nelvana III."

Well into the Neutral Zone, and no one has shown up.
"That makes me nervous," remarks Riker. "You'd think they would have come around by now."
"Reminds me of Custer," muses Picard.
"Yeah, thanks for that."

They reach Nelvana III, but find nothing. Data says he's picking up those faint radio transmissions, but can't locate the source. They call Jarok up to the bridge, and while they're waiting, Riker tries to come up with reasons why the planet could be just another rock in space.
"Did they leave after Jarok defected?"
"No evidence of them having been here and moved anything away," shoots down Data.
"Could it be cloaked?"
"Naw, that would give off distortions."
Jarok enters the bridge.
"There's nothing here," Picard tells Jarok.
"Not possible," protests Jarok. "I saw the communiques, the timetables, the plans and blueprints."
"Yeah," says Picard. "About that - didn't you say you were censured months ago? What if they've been feeding you disinformation this whole time? Could they have been testing your loyalty?"
"No!" says Jarok. "Not possible!"
"They let you escape," says Picard. "They fed you a bunch of lies, and let you come to us with them."
Jarok is staggered.

"Let's GTFO," says Riker quickly.
"Agreed," said Picard.
They turn the ship around and guess who decloaks in front of them? Two warbirds, who start firing. The shields are holding.
"I wanna see what'll happen," says Picard. "If they wanted to, they could have destroyed us."
The Romulans call. It's Mr Smiley himself, Commander Tomalak.

"Hello, Captain Picard! It looks like this time, I'm finding you in the Neutral Zone."
"Yeah, I'm here because I heard there was a base on Nelvana III, which I suspect you know," replies Picard. "And while we're talking about bullshit in space that doesn't exist, what about the subspace radio transmissions?"
"Oh, that's just our cloaked orbiting probe," says Tomalak carelessly. "We're checking out Nelvana III for archaeological purposes."
"Whatever," scoffs Picard. "Tell me what you plan to do next."
"Haul your ship back to Romulus, and display it's broken hull in the capitol as inspiration to others, so they'll praise the might of the Romulan Empire and cheer us on to war," he says cheerfully.
Jarok steps forward to address Tomalak. "So it's true, that you made up all that stuff and fed it to me as a loyalty test."
Tomalak admits nothing, but sighs in irritation. "Captain, I'll need you to give us back the traitor Jarok first. Then you'll surrender as a prisoner of war."
"Fuck off," replies Picard.

                      

They exchange some barbs, and Tomalak suggests that Picard make this easy on everyone, and just surrender.
"Yeah, not doing that," says Picard.
Klingon cruisers decloak behind the Enterprise.
Fuck yeah, a coup!
"You won't survive our attacks," says a startled Tomalak, trying to save face.
Sassy Picard Moment: "Yeah, but you won't survive ours. Shall we die together?"

"Until next time, then," smiles Tomalak.

The warbirds turn and head back for their own space.

Picard gives the order to return to Federation space, then has Worf thank the Klingons.

Jarok stands and laments that he had abandoned his life and family for nothing.

Picard and Data are called to Jarok's quarters, and Crusher tells them and Riker that Jarok took some kind of poison, most likely that SweeTart he had in his boot. She apologizes, because there isn't an antidote to the poison he took, and Jarok is dead. Riker hands Picard a padd, saying that it's a letter that Jarok wrote for his wife and daughter.
"He must have known that there was no way we could deliver this," says Data.
"Yeah," says Picard quietly, "but maybe sometime in the future, if there are more courageous men like Jarok, we might be able to."
And the Enterprise quietly moves back to their own space.

Have you ever watched or read something that you thought was good, but still made you want to punch something? Yeah, that's this episode. This is the Star Trek equivalent of anything written by Orwell. It leaves me frustrated beyond belief, but I can't say that it wasn't good quality content.
So here's my problem: I can't stand when a character does something with the best of intentions, gives up everything, and it all falls apart. Jarok literally destroys his life in order to prevent a war from happening, but it was all for naught. What's more, his future was fucked either way. If he had not prevented war and it had happened, his daughter might have not had a future. If he had defected and prevented it effectively, he would be a man without a country, probably not welcome in Federation space, and definitely not in Romulan space. If he had defected and war was not prevented, he probably would have had the same outcome. But then his information was no good. He did not prevent anything, he only succeeded in telling the Federation that the Romulans might be planning something, then it turns out that they weren't planning anything solid, just heavily thinking about it. So he succeeded in telling the Federation that the Romulans are dicks... which they already knew. His actions were useless, and the Federation got dragged into this weird stand-off wherein they told a guy that he couldn't sit with them anymore. No wonder he killed himself. What choices were left to him?

This crap is infuriating. Mostly this episode reminds me of why I hate the Romulans. Typically, they're all talk and no action. People just talk about how terrible the Romulans are, but we never see any of these terrible things. Then the Romulans talk a big game, and... nothing happens. They just drop idle threats and walk away. Here, they did it to one of their own. They talked a big game, and when he went running to their enemies, they were all, "Nope, no base. Do you see a base? There was never a base here. Don't know what you're talking about. Oh, beeteedubs, you're a traitor now for running to the Federation." That's some straight-up fascist doublespeak bullshit.

And so... nothing happened. A dude wouldn't stop bugging them about not starting another war with their enemies, so to shut him up, they banished him to bureaucratic hell, fed him misinformation, banked on him going to the Federation, and then dragged two large groups into a possible skirmish. In the end, they spent months essentially leading a guy to suicide, all to what end? To send a message to their people that they too will be ruined if they speak up?
Fuck the Romulans and their stupid head games.

Fun Facts:

- Writer Ronald D Moore describes this episode as "the Cuban Missile Crisis in the Neutral Zone."
- In the original pitch, the two-hour delay would have come into further play, as the message not to cross into the Neutral Zone would have arrived after the showdown at Nelvana III.
- At one point in the rewriting process of the script, there was a love story between Crusher and Jarok. Thank freaking everything that was thrown out.
- The teaser originally started out with Data as Sherlock Holmes again, but they ran into legal problems, so Patrick Stewart suggested Henry V.

Brent Spiner, LeVar Burton, Jonathan Frakes, Patrick Stewart

- I was totally not joking about that Nelvana III thing. The Nelvana system was named after the little Canadian animation company, which has both created and distributed popular cartoons. (Not to be outdone, the Star Wars series Clone Wars had Anakin Skywalker travel to a planet Nelvaan.)

- The script called for three Romulan warbirds to decloak, but it was later changed to two, giving the Federation-Klingon fleet a bigger advantage.

- This is the second of four appearances of Tomalak.

- This is the first appearance of James Sloyan (Jarok). He will later appear as a Klingon in this series, and will play several more characters in Voyager and DS9.

- This marks the first of two appearances of Admiral Haden.

- The Henry V scene was an homage to the recently-released Henry V movie. Six Degrees of Star Trek: That film was directed by and starred Kenneth Branagh.Patrick Stewart appeared in Hamlet with Derek Jacobi, who appeared in Henry V. When Data lists his inspirations for Shakespeare studies, he cites Branagh.

- Ronald D Moore, who also wrote for Battlestar Galactica (2004), wrote a similar episode to this one for that show.

- Several locations within the Neutral Zone are named after production staff, most of them from the special effects crew.

- This is the first time we see a Romulan scout ship.
- Possible mistake: the Klingon cruisers appear to be the same size as the Enterprise. Cruisers are considerably smaller than Galaxy-class starships.

- This was the first episode of Star Trek to air in the 1990's.
- This is the third time they've changed the admiral's uniform.
- This is the first time that the TReaty of Algeron and the Battle of Cheron are mentioned.
- The Battle of Cheron was a defeat of the Romulan Star Empire against an alliance of humans, Vulcans, Andorians, and Tellarites. It was initially named after the planet in TOS' "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," but star charts shown later indicated that it had taken place in the Cheron star system.


Red deaths: 0
To date: 0

Gold deaths: 0
To date: 0

Blue deaths: 0
To date: 1
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 0
To date: 8

Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 0
To date: 3

Sassy Riker Moments: 1
To date: 8

Sassy Picard Moments: 1
To date: 6

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 1
To date: 3
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0
To date: 1
Sassy Troi Moments: 0
To date: 4
Sassy Guinan Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 1
To date: 1

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 1
To date: 8

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 1
To date: 15

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date: 4
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 2
Picard Maneuvers: 2
To date: 15
Tea, Earl Grey: 1
To date: 1

Don-Don

ST:TNG Season Three, Episode Nine "The Vengeance Factor"

ST:TNG Season Three, Episode Nine "The Vengeance Factor"
Production Order: 9
Air Order: 9
Stardate: 43421.9
Original Air Date: November 20, 1989

This week, we start out with a sweet matte painting. It's some rocky alien landscape, and it's bathed in lime green. Then we find out that we're seeing it through the window, and we pan across the inside of some space station, which is completely destroyed. We know something really bad happened because there's scary music, and also lime green is like, the official color of evil.
Some of our guys beam down - Riker, Worf, Data, and Crusher. They pick through the debris and notice that some kind of "reactor" is missing. Riker reveals that they've been trying to reach these people for two days, but that they couldn't have answered because everything is trashed.
"Life signs behind this door," remarks Data.
Crusher finds a piece of sharp metal with comically terrible blood on it. Like, it looks like a thing you'd find in a middle school haunted house.

Worf tries to pry the busted door open, but cannot.
Data waltzes up and just pushes the doors apart.
I kind of wonder how he feels about being bested by Data. Is it okay because he knows that Data is a machine?
Inside, they find two people who are knocked the hell out.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Later, we're in sick bay while Crusher scans the unconscious people. Get this: they're actually so unimportant to the story that they don't get names. When Picard comes in to check on them, Crusher calls them "the two scientists." Anyway, she says they're fine, and they'll recover, but they were hit by multiple stun beams, so they'll be out for a while still.
She'd really rather talk about the middle school haunted house blood. Apparently, it's Acamarian. Dun-dun-duuuuun!
She says that like we should know who she's talking about.
"Oh, that means Gathers," suggests Picard.
Dun-dun-duuuun!
No, seriously, who the fuck are these people?
Oh, Data to the rescue with the exposition:

Riker chiming in:

Picard requests that Wes take them to the Acamar system.

Picard's Log, 43421.: "These Gatherer raids suck. We're gonna talk to Sovereign Marouk, the leader of Acamar III."

We don't get to go to Acamar, so Marouk is in the Obs Lounge. She doesn't seem keen on hearing Picard's complaints about how the Gatherers are raiding trading vessels and fucking up all the shit, but she's super excited that "the Starfleet" (whut?) is here to help hunt them down for her.
"Hell, no," corrects Picard. "That's not my job."
She guesses that he wants her to take them back. She says they're tried a bunch of times, but it's never worked out.
Hmmm, these people don't seem pre-warp, so they don't qualify as Prime Directive candidates, but it seems kind of invasive for him to just march in there and demand that the Acamarians reconcile with their estranged kin. Doesn't it seem kind egotistical for someone to insist that they can bring some people together, just by being them? Like on a sitcom where one of the main characters says to a secondary character, "oh, it's so sad that you're fighting with estranged (family member/friend), but I think I can bring you together again, even though nothing else has worked so far!"
I know it's screwing things up for The Starfleet, but mind your own beeswax, Picard. I'm kind of surprised that Marouk doesn't tell him that it's an "internal matter," then complain to his boss about his terrible customer service.

After some go-round, Marouk finally drops the rest of that exposition on us: a hundred years earlier, the Acamarians were violent people, and would wage bloody wars against each other. Apparently, they're divided into clans, and the clans would duke it out. Collectively, they stopped fighting and opted for peace, but the Gatherers didn't want any part of that, so they broke off and became Space Renegades. They've been years on the lam and have a high price on their heads.
The other Acamarians were all, "Come home, and live in peace," and the Gatherers were all, "no, fuck you!" so the rest of Acamar went "eh" and returned to their lives.
"You need to do the thing." advises Picard.
And Marouk is still all "eh."
But she agrees. She doesn't seem convinced at all, but maybe she thinks she'll get a fun ride in a cool spaceship if she goes along with it.
Picard asks when she can leave Acamar to go with them, she says no time like the present, and requests two more servants. Riker leaves to get her some quarters.
"I think they might be hiding in the Hromi Cluster," she tells Picard, and he has Wes plug it in.
Data tells Picard that The Starfleet has charted that cluster but not explored it, and maybe they could be on one of several class-M planets there?

Riker takes Marouk to her quarters. These are obviously in the front of the ship, as Marouk stands at the window and marvels when they make the jump to warp. (See? A fun ride in a cool spaceship.) She then asks a servant girl, Yuta, to make her a meal in about 20 minutes.
Yuta asks Riker where the kitchen is.
"We have one," says Riker. "But I don't think you'll need it. We have food dispensers."
He shows Yuta the replicator, then asks Marouk if she wants anything to drink. Marouk specifies cold water.
Riker looks straight at Yuta with a slightly raised eyebrow and a rakish James Bond confidence and says, "Water, five degrees."
When it arrives, she drinks out of the glass. Not only is she the chef, she's also the taster. She then presents the water to Marouk, and returns to Riker, telling him that the Sovereign will want to try a bunch of the stuff that's in the food dispenser, but will also probs want some Acamarian food sometimes.
"Cool," says Riker. "I'll have one of the techs show you how to program in those meals. I'd also like to try your food. What's your specialty?"
"I don't really have a specialty," she shrugs.
He's been polite and friendly and diplomatic, but Yuta is young and cute, so he decides to flirt with her a little.
"Aw, c'mon, I'm sure you make something that's amazing?"
"I have this spiced parthas recipe... it's a fleshy vegetable?"
"Awesome, can't wait to try it!"
He excuses himself and leaves.

The E hits Gamma Hromi III, and Data says there are life signs and also "several small areas of thermal radiation and carbon dioxide emissions indicative of combustion."
"Campfires," laughs Wes.
"I just said that," Data replies.

Riker takes Data and Worf and they beam to the surface with Geordi. ("I'm gonna check out some people and campfires, so I'll need to take the chief engineer"?) And now we see why they met with Marouk in the Obs Lounge, and we never see Acamar: this set is freaking amazing. I thought at first that it might be a redress of Worf's calisthenics program (and maybe they used parts of it), but it's actually a new set, basically a huge jungle gym and some scavenged junk. Nice.

They take a look around. Because Data isn't the only walking encyclopedia, Geordi recognizes some equipment, and which species built it. Then Data and Riker find some kind of metal, and Data assesses the value.
"It's crap metal."
"Guess it doesn't pay to be a Gatherer," replies Riker.
Geordi calls them over. He's found something, and judging from Riker's livid reaction, this is probably what was stolen from the whatever-that-was with the cool matte painting, and the Two Scientists.
"Ambush!" calls Worf, and they all duck just before some phaser fire goes off near them.
There's a shoot-out in the Gatherer Corral while our boys hide behind some bins.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

The jig is up, the news is out, they found the Gatherers.
The away team continues to hide behind the barrels while the Gatherers shoot at them, even though Data says their shit is weak.
Riker tries to yell that they came to talk, but Worf yells at him that talking is not going to do any good.
"We came here to talk," Riker points out.
He asks Data what temp that crap metal melts at, and when Data gives him the answer, Geordi says the seventh setting on their phasers could produce that. So they all fire at the crap metal, which smokes profusely, and Riker yells, "Four to beam up!"
The Gatherers jump down and put out the fire quickly, but then Worf steps out from behind one.
Sassy Worf Moment: "Your ambushes would be more successful if you bathed more often."
Lol, Riker never hit his comm badge before yelling for that beam-up. Fake-out!
Riker tells the head Gatherer guy that they've brought the Sovereign, who wants to talk to him.

The Gatherer guy is pretty incredulous, but in the next scene, he's brought some other Gatherers, and they're standing talking to Marouk and some E officers. For some reason, Marouk is standing in Captain Morgan pose, and it's really weird.

Anyway, Yuta takes a sip of some drink before giving it to Marouk, then Marouk drinks, and Yuta takes the cup to the head Gatherer, Brull. I guess this is some kind of communal cup-sharing thing. Either to mock Marouk, or because he's serious, Brull shoves the cup into the chest of another Gatherer, and demands that he taste it. When the other Gatherer looks at him like WTF? Brull pushes him down and pours the drink on his face. The Gatherers all laugh like dumb frat boys.
Picard barks at them to grow the fuck up.
But when Marouk is showing signs of also giving up, Picard remembers his manners and uses the magic word.
They all sit down to talk.
Picard says that Marouk wants to talk to the Gatherers about coming back. Brull says she wants no such thing and suggests that maybe Picard forced her to do it. Marouk and Picard exchange glances, because that's exactly what happened. But Marouk is all," Nobody forces me to do anything!"
Brull says that Marouk doesn't care about them, and she argues that she does, and that the Acamarians are some kind of intergalactic embarrassment, because they can't get their shit together. She reminds him that the clan wars are over, and that it's time to come home.

Something in her supplication appeals to Brull, who sends everybody away but Picard and Marouk.
The others leave, and Troi tells Riker quietly that Brull is ready to talk, but sent everyone out so he doesn't look weak in front of his guys.

On her way away from the group, Yuta encounters an old Gatherer. She smiles at him as they both walk to a deserted area.
"Hi, you're from the Lornak tribe, right?"
"Yeah, so what?" he asks.
He peered at her.
"Do I look familiar?" she smiles.
"Yes, but... you can't be..."
"I'm Yuta, of the clan Trelesta, and though I'm the last of the Trelestas, my tribe will outlive yours."
He starts to object, but she touches his cheek, and he gasps and falls over dead.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

We go back to the meeting. Brull has decided that Marouk's offer is worth taking to the leader of the Gatherers, Chorgan. (Ugh, what a fucking terrible name.)
"I'll go to him, and bring you an answer in 20 days."
"Oh, hell no," says Picard. "I haven't got 20 days to dick around with this."
Marouk wants to talk to Chorgan herself, and Picard says they should all go in his sweet-ass ship to talk to Chorgan. Brull starts to put someone in charge of the Gatherers while he's gone, but then the body of the old man is found, and everyone runs to that spot.
Riker calls for emergency medical help.
Brull says the guy was old, and there's no reason to suspect foul play. The dude who found the body points out that there are no Lornak clan members here, so he can claim the old guy's stuff. Brull allows it. Dude raids the body.
Crusher beams down, and Riker boots the looter away.
"Been dead too long," announces Crusher. "Can't revive him. He died of a heart attack, but everything the scanner shows says he shouldn't have had a heart attack at all."
Suspicious music!
Riker: *narrows eyes*

So everyone gets on board, and the E leaves orbit. Brull is shown to the bridge by Worf, and Picard requests that Brull show Wes where to pilot the ship to to reach Chorgan.
Brull laughs. "A kid? You're kidding, right?"
Wes mad-dogs Brull.

Picard, in a rare show of solidarity with Wes, also mad-dogs Brull.

Brull slinks over and gives Wes the coordinates.
"Um, that takes us through an asteroid belt?" replies Wes.
Brull laughs. "Can't you fly the ship around some rocks?"
Really? You wanna fuck with the ship's wunderkind, Brull?
"I can do it," says Wes casually, reprogramming the console input. "But if we go this way, we avoid the rocks, and only lose twelve minutes."
"Sure, we could go that way."
Brull walks away quietly, properly chastised.

Marouk and Picard are having a drink in Ten Forward. Yuta pours Marouk's drink from a pitcher while the pair discusses more Acamarian history. The Sovereign explains that one misstep by one person against another would result in generations of people getting revenge on each other's clans, very Hatfield and McCoy-style. Picard admits that similar things lay in the history of humans.
Yuta sees Riker and Troi come in and asks if she can be excused, because Riker asked if she would make him an Acamarian dish. Marouk grants it, and Yuta leaves.
This sets off a cool chain of segues, where we move from group to group in Ten Forward.
As she exits, Brull enters.
He sidles up to the bar and just fucking takes some dude's drink... out of his hand.
Dude makes a WTF face. Bartender makes a WTF face. Because WTF?

Brull goes over to a table near the window, where Wes is frowning at a padd. Brull just straight-up takes the padd from him.
"What is this? What are you doing?"
I get the feeling like Brull is being a giant asshole for the sake of gaining or maintaining a reputation. But no one is buying it, and just sees him as an asshole. Like that dude you went to high school with. You know the one.
"It's math homework," says an annoyed Wes, taking the padd back.
Brull asks Wes what he even knows about him, and Wes replies that he's a thief, prompting Brull to yell at him that he steals to survive, not because he likes it. "We Gatherers value our freedom!"
"Then why are you helping Marouk?" demands Wes.
They get into a conversation where Brull says he has kids, and one Wes' age, who doesn't like math.
He and Wes both laugh, no longer angry at one another, and I get the feeling like Wes was supposed to learn something about judging books by their covers. but when you pick up a book entitled "This Book Fucking Sucks," how tempted will you be to read it?

Yuta brings a plate of her spiced veggies to Riker and Troi's table, and they try it, declaring it delicious. Riker asks Yuta to join them, but she demures. Sensing she is accidentally cock-blocking Riker, Troi gives some BS excuse for leaving. Yuta sits down. She calls Riker Commander, and he asks her not to, saying she should call him William, because she says "Commander" like she says "Sovereign."
"Like a servant," she guesses. "Does it bother you that I'm a servant?"
"I'd rather meet people as equals," he explains.
She says acting like equals is a tough thing for her, as she's been a servant for so long. She says her life is good, and when he suggests that she's property, she protests that she's not Marouk's slave.
"What about freedom?" he asks.
"I can never be free," she answers cryptically.
"You have no place to go?"
"No, my path is all too clear."
"You speak in riddles," smiles Riker.
Marouk calls her back to their table, and she excuses herself.

Crusher pages Riker to sick bay.
"Check this shit out," she says when he gets there, and he walks over to look at her laptop.
"So I figured out that the old guy's heart attack was caused by a microvirus so specific, that it would only kill one Acamarian in a million."
"That's real specific," he replies.
"That's murder," she answers.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Riker is in his quarters, trying to sleep in a chair instead of his bed (?) when he starts having the same kind of day that Troi had last week.
Data calls to tell him that the Acamarian database he requested is all set up.
"Rad. Send it to Dr Crusher," he snips. "Riker OUT."
He closes his eyes again, and now the door chime goes off.
"Who the hell is it?" he demands.
The door opens, and it's Yuta.

And suddenly, he's okay with the world again, because he's not sorry to see her. When she asks if she's disturbing him, he replies "not at all," but there's a little too much enthusiasm to it. Comes off a bit creepy.
The rest of this conversation is just as creepy:
"The Sovereign doesn't need me for a while, so she suggested that I come see you," she says.
Why your employer gets a say in who you see is strange, but alright?
"She appreciates the affection you've shown me."
That's a little weird, Yuta.
DUDE:

Riker chooses to ignore it, because he likes Yuta. "Was I that obvious?"

Cheesy line: "I've already dined. Maybe you know a good dessert recipe."

And he kisses her, and I continue forever my total bafflement as to why "dessert" is somehow code for "sex." Also coffee. Enough with the fucking food euphemisms. If you say dessert and then strip naked, I'm gonna angrily drive to the store to buy Oreos for myself while you catch a cold.

Wait, where was I? He kisses her.

Another red flag:
"Does that not please you?" she asks when the kiss ends.
That's... odd.
He kisses her again instead of asking what she means.
After that second kiss:
"Tell me what you want, William. I'll do whatever you wish."
And now Riker...

Took him a few minutes, but he's finally found this as creepy as the audience does.

"You're lapsing back into servant stuff. I only do equals, I told you that."

"Even in matters of love?" she asks.

"Especially in matters of love," he replies. He smiles, and I think he thinks that this isn't deeper than just this weird moment, but he's about to get slapped by the cold hand of strange reality.

She pulls away. "I offended you."

He explains that she deserves some reciprocation here, but she gets teary and tells him that she totally doesn't, that she doesn't feel pleasure or passion, and hasn't for a long time.

He assumes that someone hurt her and tells her that it can get better, and I guess that it's nice that he wants to comfort her, but if what she's offering is submissive sex when he didn't ask for sub/dom stuff, then she's probably got bigger problems than he alone can solve. She seems to wish that he could solve it, because she does actually like him, but states that he really can't.

We're all saved by red alert.

Both Brull and Riker end up on the bridge around the same time.
"Found Chorgan's ship," says Picard calmly, as they're fired upon multiple times.
"Call Chorgan and tell him we brought Brull to talk," says Picard to Worf.
"No response," reports Worf.
"Can we take out his shields without damaging the ship?"
"Totes," says Worf.
"Make that shit so," says Picard.
"Done," says Worf, and he hits the phasers.
A moment later, guess who calls?
"Brull!" bellows Chorgan. "You're a traitor, and you're letting them destroy us!"
"Dude, I could have blown you out of the sky if I wanted to," sighs Picard. "We have Marouk onboard and we want to talk."
"It's worth talking to her," interjects Brull.
"Fuck off!" answers Chorgan.
"Yeah, no," replies Picard. "We're beaming over to your ship, and you better fucking receive us."
Picard hangs up. Riker objects to Picard going alone, but Picard is pretty set in stone on the idea.
"Meh. We have better weapons, and his shields are down. He won't pull anything."

Chorgan's ship is kind of a dump. And LOL at those chairs, which appear to be common rolling office chairs decorated with fake animal furs. Chorgan also appears to be acting like an asshole to keep up some reputation. Unfortunately, these guys are perpetuating some kind of Hell's Angels-stand up comic vibe that makes you want to punch them so they'll stop laughing obnoxiously at their own jokes.
Chorgan starts out by telling Picard that he could take them prisoner, then adding that he has no intention of doing so. Lame threat.
"I want to offer you guys amnesty," starts out Marouk.
"You mean slavery!" yells Chorgan.
And I am confused, because no? These words are not alike. Does Chorgan know what amnesty means?
"We need you back," says Marouk.
She doesn't give a reason, but it's a smart thing to say all the same.
Chorgan is quiet, and she offers him Acamarian brandy. He declines, and Yuta gives the brandy to Picard.
Marouk continues on about how they won't arrest the Gatherers, and they'll be welcomed back as free men.
Chorgan snorts. "You gonna feed and clothes us, too?"
"No, but we'll give you the means to do so yourself. We set aside land for you -"
Chorgan starts laughing again, and demanding to know if they look like farmers.
Marouk is losing her patience, as am I.
"So don't fucking farm! Like I give a shit what you do with it!"

Data is at the science station on the bridge, looking up the old guy's records. All he can find is a birth record.
Crusher enters, and tells Riker that she's been digging through that database as well, and found someone else who died of the microvirus, 53 years earlier, some guy named Penthar-Mul. Data notices that they were both from the Lornak clan, and they look up Penthar-Mul. Guy was a Gatherer who was captured during some raid and put on trial, but he died of a heart attack before the trial ended. Our trio guess that someone is hunting the Lornak clan, and Data pipes up with "Chorgan is also a Lornak." Crusher chimes in to say that the virus could be carried by anyone who is not a Lornak, and could be transmitted any number of ways.
"Found a thing," announces Data. "Eighty years ago, the Lornaks ended a 200-year feud with the Tralesta clan when they wiped out the Tralestas completely."
Crusher and Riker talk about missing links and Crusher asks the computer about Tralestas in government positions, but because the computer has told them the Tralestas are dead, nothing pops up.

"Found another thing," says Data. He pulls up a photo of Penthar-Mul being lead into his trial by guards. He points to someone whose face is mostly covered by someone else's shoulder. "Look familiar?"
"Of course not," says Riker. "You can't see their face."
"But we can zoom in, remove the person in front, and the computer can reconstruct the face," says Data.
(They can do that in the 24th century, because they have the technology. We do not have this now. Please stop believing crime dramas that pretend that's currently possible.)
So Data hits a few buttons. The computer does it's thing, and...
"Fifty-three years, and she hasn't aged a day," says Riker.

Dramatic music! Commercial break!

Back on Chorgan's ship, Marouk and Chorgan are arguing over how much representation the Gatherers will get in government. Picard, mediating, reminds Marouk that if their places were switched, she would be asking Chorgan for equal representation. She apologizes, and Chorgan finally requests that brandy. While they're busy chatting away, Yuta refills their glasses and heads around the table toward Chorgan.
Riker beams into the room.
"A Federation trick!" yells Chorgan.
One of his dudes rushes forward with a weapon, and Riker stuns him.
"It's cool!" calls Picard. "That's my first officer, and he has a good explanation for what he just did." He looks at Riker. "You do, right?"
But instead of saying, "She's a serial killer who targets Lornak clan members," he tells Yuta to back away from Chorgan.
She plays dumb. "What's this about?"
"Let's talk about Penthar-Mul," Riker replies.

Dude, quit being enigmatic. Serial killer. Lornaks. You don't know how she gives these guys the virus, but there's nothing in her hand besides a glass of brandy. No weapon. Take her into custody.
"How do you know about Penthar-Mul?" asks Chorgan, confused.
"You were with Penthar-Mul when he died," accuses Riker.
"That was 50 years ago," she protests, taking a step toward Chorgan. "I couldn't have."
"Don't move," he tells Chorgan. "She's going to kill you."
Ah, at last!
He tells her to step back, and she drops her dumb act.
"You're not involved in this," she says shakily.
"Now I am," he replies. "You're trying to commit murder."
This unleashes angry Yuta. "It's not murder! It's justice!"

Confused, Chorgan asks who she is, and she tells him.
"But there are no more Tralestas."
"Five survived the attacks," she explains. "And they picked me to have my DNA altered, to slow my aging, so that I could go out and kill the rest of the Lornaks."
Marouk fills in the blank: "You took this job with me to get at the last few you couldn't reach yourself."
Yuta admits it.
Chorgan tries to threaten her, but she laughs it off.
"You're the last Lornak, I don't care what happens to me after you die."
"You don't have to do this," says Riker. "I know that you regret what you've become."
"You don't get it," she says sadly. "I'm sorry."
She steps toward Chorgan. He yells stop and shoots her, but it's not enough to stun her, either because the setting was too low, or because maybe her altered DNA won't let her be stunned? I dunno. He should have just knocked her the hell out. She doubles over in pain., but gets up and moves toward Chorgan again. He dials up the settings and shoots her again. Apparently, it hurts a lot more this time, but it still doesn't knock her out. Or slow her down, I guess. Because she goes for a third time, but he's got the setting dialed all the way up, and when he shoots her again, she disintegrates.

Picard stares at Riker. Marouk sobs just a tiny bit. Chorgan looks stunned. Then he gets up and tells Riker that he's in the Commander's debt. Riker gives him a glance that says "whatever."

Later, Riker is giving a death stare to the surface of the Ten Forward bar and ignoring his drink when Picard comes in.
"New orders from The Starfleet," he says. "We're gonna stop at a starbase to pick up medical supplies. We won't need a full ship's complement, so I think I'll offer extended shore leave to anyone that wants it."
Hint, Riker, hint.
"Cool," says Riker flatly. "I'll tell the crew."
Picard leaves. Riker goes back to his death stare.
Just another day in space paradise.

So this one isn't awful. I actually kind of like the story where this serial killer is carefully making her way through an entire family out of revenge. I'm even willing to buy the bit where she had her DNA altered to slow the aging process so she perpetually looks like she's in her twenties. Okay, maybe they can do that in the 24th century.
No, my issue is with the ending. Why was it necessary that Yuta die? Because here's the thing: phasers come with stun settings, which are pretty much supposed to be the default, you know? Only here, when Riker shoots Yuta (and Chorgan's guy), neither is stunned, just kind of knocked back. And okay, maybe there's a lower setting on the phaser that just knocks the wind out of you, but if that's the case, why did Riker bypass the stun setting and go for Kill instead? I get that he was trying to stop her from killing someone else, but why was it necessary to kill her? Stun her. Throw her in the brig. Get more info from her. They obviously have a justice system on Acamar. Turn her over to the authorities, and let them deal with her.
Now Riker feels like shit because he almost hooked up with a serial killer, then he actually killed her, and he still feels bad for her, because he saw that she didn't like what she had become and probably wished she were different. There will most likely be an inquiry because he killed a civilian.
I'm also kind of wondering if she was suicidal. She certainly seemed depressed in Riker's quarters, and hinted that she felt trapped by her mission. Either way, it was coming to an end. She would kill Chorgan in front of all those people and be taken into custody, or she would fail and be caught by Riker. Did she make the decision, while getting shot, that this was going to end with "kill all Lornaks or die trying"? She had plenty of opportunity to stop while Riker begged her not go through with it, but she persisted in trying to kill him, knowing that Riker would shoot her again.
I'm sure that for the story's sake, they wanted her to die at Riker's hands so he could be introspective at the end of the episode, and to maybe point out that sometimes it was necessary to kill people while serving in Starfleet. But it seems like they could have gotten the same kind of thing by just arresting her, and having his mood be "Damn, I thought she was okay."


Fun Facts:

- Picard doesn't react to the killing of Yuta, even though it happens right in front of him. Director Timothy Bond thought it would be cool to have Yuta standing between Picard and Riker when she gets shot, so that you could see Picard when she disintegrates. Unfortunately, because of the disintegration effect, Patrick Stewart had to stay perfectly still so they could line the shots up. Stewart even actually asked, "shouldn't I be reacting to this girl's death?" In hindsight, Bond decided that Stewart should not have been in the shot, because it looks strange when Picard does not react.
- This was the last Star Trek episode to air in the 1980's.
- The planetscape matte painting from the first scene came from the 1956 film "Forbidden Planet."

- The Gatherer ship was a reuse of the ship from "Samaritan Snare."

- Marc Lawrence who played the old guy (Volnoth) will be seen again in DS9.
- Part of Volnoth's costume was a Romulan tunic from TOS. Also repurposed: a spiky shoulder pad used as part of a Parrises Squares uniform in "11001001" and as part of K'Eylehr's exercise outfit in "The Emissary."

Red deaths: 0
To date: 0

Gold deaths: 0

Blue deaths: 0
To date: 1
Unnamed color crew deaths: 0

Obnoxious Wes moments: 0

Legitimate Wes moments when he should have told someone to go fuck themselves: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Geordi moments: 0
To date: 8

Sassy Wes Moments: 0
To date: 0

Sassy Worf Moment: 1
To date: 3

Sassy Riker Moments: 0
To date: 7

Sassy Picard Moments: 0
To date: 5

Sassy NPC Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Data Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy O'Brien Moments: 0
To date: 0
Sassy Crusher Moments: 0
To date: 1
Sassy Troi Moments: 0
To date: 4
Sassy Guinan Moments: 0
To date: 2
Sassy Guest Star Moments: 0
To date: 0

Number of times that it is mentioned that Data is an android: 0
To date: 0

Number of times that Troi reacts to someone else's feelings: 1
To date: 15

Number of times that Geordi "looks at something" with his VISOR: 0
To date: 4
Number of times when Data gives too much info and has to be told to shut up: 0
To date: 2
Picard Maneuvers: 0
To date: 13

Uhura is pretty sure this is helpful/